Meet the Johnsons

We are coming to you live from the comforter of Serena . Today is the draft for Serena's second fantasy baseball team "Goonies Never Say Die." I am on the side lines here, reporting in real time how the live draft will go down. We currently have two laptops working. One on my lap for the commentary of the draft for the blog and one on Serena's lap so she can choose her team wisely and win the "Shiva"

A little tid bit about this league: she's the only chick and she got stuck last year with a sh*tty ass team and took them to third! Booyah! This year, Goonies Never Say Die will rise from the shadows like the great pumpkin on Halloween night and be victorious. 

We have t minus 31 minutes left. Serena is currently putting players in her "shopping cart" if you will.

Now it's down to 18 minutes. Isn't the suspense killing you?

While we wait we will have a short recap of St. Patrick's day . We started off the night with a shot of Jameson while listening to Denis Leary's Irish song and filmed a epic video (that can only be seen on Instagram so you need to start following us cause you're missing out on major shenanigans.) Then of course we needed to eat so we stuffed our fat pie holes with loaded fries and spinach dip and some beer. We then winded up at a white trash bar that played lots of country music and a fantastic song about red solo cups. Twas a early night for us . The next day we had off and decided to be bad ass and, well, we are not saying what we did, but if curiosity is really killing you, then we suggest stalking us on Instagram and you will see what kind of trouble we got into.

7 minutes and counting people!!!

3 minutes.

Only seconds away -
10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1- it's starting!!!!!

We are now entering the live draft. Serena is waiting. She is in the 10th spot. Serena's first move is Curtis Granderson. Wise choice. Hopefully he will do her a solid and not suck since we all know that once you put on the orange and blue, your career takes a turn for the worse.

Serena has made a mad dash to the bathroom. It's a good thing she has some Flash Gordon-like skills because she came back just in time to pick Jon Lester. A lot of the guys in her shopping cart are being taken right before our eyes. A large gasp and a "You F*ck," shortly follows.

Next up a starting pitcher, Cole Hamels is the chosen one followed up by selecting Jim Johnson on her next go about.

Congratulations, Brandon Phillips you are now apart of something so much bigger.

"Short stop or pitcher?" Serena asks. I say, "pitcher you can never have enough pitchers."  CJ Wilson come on down.

Serena already knows who she is picking on her next turn, but she makes them wait like a cougar stalking its prey. Let them stew and wonder when she will attack. It's called psychological warfare. A good minute goes by and then she clicks on the draft button. She has chosen Chris Tillman.

Everth Cabrea follows up.

Wouldn't be a draft unless Serena spews out "I hope you get Herpes and die" as someone chooses a player she was eyeing. Oppa, Nick Markakis!

Houston, she has a Huston Street now. I feel that I maybe found my calling in life. It's very easy to come up with cheesy catch phrases. Maybe I should look into being a sports announcer. Something to ponder.

Another potty break and Serena hands the computer over so I can make the next selection if necessary. It's intense.

Okay. She's back just in time to select Jarrod Saltalamacchia.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss! She scored Torii Hunter.

Hunger has now set in, but we can't move. Not with what's at stake.The sounds of our stomach echo in the background.  Would anyone like to deliver us food?

Chris Johnson is selected. One always needs a man that plays the field in many different ways and you may take that dirty as well.

Add another Johnson on the team, this time, Kelly.

Kyle Lohse wins a spot as well as Eric Aybar. Ichiro Suzuki is just a short click away and the team is complete.

And here you have it folks. Let's give a big welcome you your 2014 Goonies Never say Die:

Miguel Cabrera
Prince Fielder
Lisa's Husband (aka David Wright)
Yadier Molina
Stephen Strasberg
James Shields
Curtis Granderson
Jon Lester
Cole Hamels
Jim Johnson
Brandon Phillips
CJ Wilson
Chris Tillman
Everth Cabrera
Nick Markakis
Huston Street
Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Torii Hunter
Chris Johnson
Kelly Johnson
Kyle Lohse
Erick Aybar
Ichiro Suzuki

Well, that sums up another great draft. It's been a pleasure. I bid you a good night, America .

- Lisa

Fail

Happy Saint Patrick's Day. We're still drunk.

This is kind of how shit unfolded:

• Started the night off drinking a glass of wine while listening to Denis Leary's traditional Irish song. We laugh.
• Serena drives us to Croxley's. We are sober. We drink beer.
• Manage to get a spot at the bar. Still sober. Text Brother to join us.
• More beer.
• Broken glass.
• More beer.
• Brother arrives with friend Dan.
• Lisa steals Guinness hat from fat man.
• Fat man proposes to Lisa. Serena laughs and screams, "It's funny cos' he's fat!!"
• Beer.
• Serena finds Alana and Christian on the other side of the bar. They join us.
• We send dirty text messages to random people in our contacts. We think it's funny.
• A-hole dancing and singing commences.
• Despite Christian appearing to be a nice boy, he's actually evil and forces Jameson on us.
• Jameson.
• Apparently Serena drunk dials her college softball coach.
• Beer.
• Serena suddenly has a Guiness hat too.
• Serena breaks light up shamrock ring from Party City. Sad.
• Discuss how we're pretty sure that the bartender hates us and wants us to die.
• Talk about how we miss the Hot Wing Arbitrator because he loves us. Because we're so funny.
• Serena laughs loudly again. Despite the large crowd present at the bar, her laugh still manages to be heard above the din.
• Bartender gives us a look that clearly states that he's already plotting the manner in which he's going to kill us.
• We continue drunk texting people, only these texts read more like gibberish than anything coherent.
• Brother deems it necessary for us to get a cab home. He is very smart.
• Serena leaves a Kiss Me I'm Irish necklace as part of the bar tip like it's the Crown Jewels or something.
• Lisa wants Taco Bell.
• We all want Taco Bell.
• In the cab, we fight about who is a better captain: Kirk or Han Solo?
• Cab driver laughs his ass off.
• Eventually, we decide that Darth Vader is a better leader than both Kirk and Han.
• Lisa tries to convince Brother that Taco Bell is a straight run and she's going to drive us.
• Serena thinks this is an amazing idea.
• Brother yells at us both and tells us to go to bed.
• We call Chris #2 and we think we beg him to take us to Taco Bell, but there's no way to confirm this as there is no recording of this conversation. The only definite part of this scenario is that Serena's call log definitely shows that we called him.
• Loss of time. No recollection of the remainder of the night. Black out.
• Morning.
• Serena is still fully dressed with her skirt hiked up around her boobs.
• Horrible Bosses is playing on the television.
• In fact, Serena is still wearing the rest of her St. Patrick's Day beads.
• There is money all over the living room floor like we're high rollers or something.
• We find Serena's Guinness hat.
• Lisa is hungry.
• Serena is dying.
• Serena's laptop is laying in nowhere's land because we apparently tried to order Domino's. We know this because the open internet window tells us that Domino's is closed at 2 am.
• Bed sheets are backwards and upside down.
• Lisa is still hungry.
• Lisa decides that she's going to drive Serena's car to go pick up food.
• We realize that we have to go pick up Serena's car at Croxley's. Contemplate leaving it there for all time and just start riding a bike to work.
• Serena tells Lisa to drive herself to pick up the car.
• Realize that then we'd have to go get Lisa's car.
• We lay in bed for another 2 hours bitching that Lisa's hungry and Serena's dying.
• Text AJ that we're dying.
• He has no sympathy for us because he's an a-hole. He's supposedly better than us because he's some kind of med student.
• Lisa apologizes to the people we sent naughty text messages to.
• Lisa feels helpless for not being able to get to Taco Bell.
• We finally get up and go to McDonald's, still wearing last night's clothing.
• It's too sunny.
• Continue to contemplate donating Serena's car to Croxley's Ale House.
• It's so bright. It hurts.
• Feeding.
• Begrudgingly pick up Serena's car.
• Serena's pretty sure that she's drunk driving at this point.
• We return to laying in Serena's bed fully clothed.

Which pretty much brings us to now.

The poll results from last week are as follows: 4 people want our stadium tour for 2013 to be Arizona and Texas. Only 1 person wanted us to do KC and St. Louis. Arizona and Texas it is then. Yee haw.