We're not going to waste a lot of time recapping the ridonkulous week that New York baseball has had because we're pretty confident that you're all up to date. And if you have no idea what we're talking about, you've probably been living in an underground shelter prepping for Doomsday. Today, we felt it necessary to write Robinson Cano a letter expressing our regrets in his departure.
Dear Mr. Cano,
How are you? Are you well? Physically? Mentally? How's the offseason treating you? Catch any good movies? Feed any homeless people? Truth be told, you should probably be caring for LOTS of homeless people since you've recently raped the Seattle Mariners' bank account for the purpose of feeding your ego.
We understand that each individual is entitled to pursue a higher salary and better benefits at other companies. Really. We do. We are not rolling in extra dough or anything like that, so trust us when we say that we understand the motive. That being said, you've got some set of BALLS to use money as an excuse to leave (as do all of your peers). Your salaries are not even in the same solar system as the average Joe. The average Joe leaves his company for more money because he feels pressure to pay his bills on time, feed his family, etc. You and the rest of the league are just gluttons. When your home team offers you a salary of over $160 million, you take it. $240 million is pure selfishness. Who are you? Scrooge McDuck? Do you have plans to build a vault where you can swim in your money?
Don't defend yourself by saying something along the lines of, "the Yankees didn't respect me with their negotiations" or "the Yankees tried to underpay for me." Listen here. The Yankees MADE you. You would not be anything without the Yankees. Their offer would have been the furthest thing from underpaying you. The Mariners overpaid for you. The fact of the matter is...you're f*cking lazy. You're going to be on your best behavior for the first season of your contract and then you're going to return to your lazy tendencies. Probably take a few trips to the DL for something stupid like pink eye. Furthermore, $160 million is respectable enough. It's actually disgusting that you feel (that ANY of you ball players feel) that you deserve that salary or more. The fact that you left the Yankees for a team that will most likely not see the playoffs for next four seasons (at least) is proof enough that you care nothing for "respect," loyalty, the team, your fans, or the game. All you care about is money.
One piece of advice before we go and before you relocate to a city where it rains approximately150 days of the year (226 cloudy days a year - which means you'll only see the sun 139 days each year): ditch Jay-Z. He's a rapper. Not a sports agent. He's quickly made you the next Alex Rodriguez, which makes him Scott Boras. Do you know how many people like Scott Boras? We're willing to bet that the list is probably only 5 people long, 2 of them being his parents. Even that might be a stretch.
So, farewell. We'll see you when the Mariners come to town. You'll hear us. We'll be the ones booing. We'd throw spare change at you, but honestly, you don't need it and we do.
The Traveling Baseball Babes