Dear Murphy – Part 2

Last week on the Traveling Baseball Babes, you met some of MLB’s hottest wives and their ugly counterparts. We asked which ugly man had the hottest bitch. Of 4 votes (apparently this post didn’t appeal to you so much), 2 of you felt that Brett Tomko’s former Playmate was the hottest. Honestly, we feel that you probably Googled her and got the same message we did: “These images contain graphic content that may explode your hard drive and include naked pictures of women with donkeys.” WE didn’t proceed with checking those images out because while we’re curious, we fear for the safety of Serena’s internet machine and let’s face it, if we’re going to risk hard drive safety, we’re going to do for David Beckham or some male equally as hot, if not hotter (if there is such a creature). 1 person chose Russell Martin’s bitch and 1 person chose Brad Penny’s menagerie of bitches. No one chose Johnny Damon’s.  

Before we continue with the rest of today’s post, we’d like to announce a new feature to our blog. As you know, we currently have a spot for the TBB Super Hero of the Week. Going forward, we’ve decided to add another spotlight: TBB A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is none other than the King of A-holes, Roger Clemens. On the flip side, our Super Hero of the Week is Jim Thome for smashing his 13^th career walk off home run in the Phillies’ 7-6 victory over the Rays yesterday. The 13 walk off home runs are a major league best…in history.

We know we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post this week, but we are unable to deliver on this promise. It’ll have to wait until next week. For starters, we had a really busy week (helloooooo, Fred K’s Cancer was on Saturday!) and second of all…we kind of forgot…until last night. Because we forgot, we never set up a date with our Subway Series rival fans. We’ll make it up to you, we promise. Until then, we have something better for you. A post about a moustache.  Has anyone seen Daniel Murphy yet? He has grown an offensive moustache. It’s truly terrible. It’s worse than Barry Zito’s porn-stache, which is pretty hard to top. Observe:

It’s become quite clear that Murphy needs our help, so we decided to write him a letter. He needs friends like us to tell him the truth because the Mets’ clubhouse is apparently made up of liars.

Dear Murphy,

How are you? It’s been awhile. We’ve missed you. St. Patrick’s Day was not the same without you. We had an awesome time. You would’ve enjoyed the Guinness hats we stole. You probably could’ve driven us to Taco Bell that night instead of making us go to bed hungry and in utter disarray. But we understand. You had spring training. We get it.

Since we’re such BFF’s, we feel that we can tell each other everything. We’re basically in the Share Circle 24/7. Like that time that Lisa had spinach in her teeth? And you told her? Before she took that picture? That was super awesome of you. And then that time you told Serena that her ass was getting bigger and that she shouldn’t wear yoga pants anymore? That was really enlightening as well. It is in this aspect that we’re writing this letter. Since our friendship is based on honesty, we feel that it’s necessary we tell you this. We would’ve done it in person, but you’ve been a no-show every Monday night at Croxley’s for the last few months. It might have something to do with the fact that your team is usually playing around the time we’re there, but once in awhile, Murph, c’mon. Show face. It’s us. Your besties. Do us a solid.

Back to the situation at hand. It’s come to our attention via the MLB FanCave that you are sporting a caterpillar on your upper lip. By this point, being friends with us should’ve educated you on what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like and that moustache, good sir, is NOT what proper and acceptable facial hair looks like. You look like a Peeping Tom. Or a child with a fake moustache on. Take your pick as to which simile you prefer. Since our friendship began, we’ve written a total of 4 posts regarding attractive manscaping: Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D. It’s sh*t like this that makes us think you don’t read our blog. That’s hurtful. We watch YOU play. We even supported you at the team shop at Citi Field when they put your St. Patrick’s Day merchandise on the clearance rack…in August. We insisted that they pull those red tags off and charge fans full price. Because that’s what friends are for. Yet you can’t take two minutes out your busy day to read our blog once a week? If you had, you would have realized that what you’ve grown is an abomination against mankind.

We’ll forgive you if you meet us at Croxley’s for beer and wings with that crap shaved off your face. If you show up with that creep-stache, we’re going to punch you in the balls and then dump our beers over your head, which you’ll have to pay for because you’ve upset us.

We understand that you may have grown attached to this feather boa that lays nestled beneath your nose and therefore, you may not be so willing to part with it. Allow us to ease your concern. For starters, in exchange for your shave, you’ll get to hang out with us. Why is this a consolation prize? We’re funny, have big boobs, we’re very, very funny, we’re the cherry of awesomeness on top of your awesome sundae, we have boobs (which are fun in any size so we’re told), and we’re going to be running in a zombie apocalypse 5K in October. Secondly, when your lips are feeling naked and exposed, you can always draw a moustache on your finger and hold it up to your lips. This is especially flexible because it’s temporary AND you can sport different styles of moustaches to suit your mood. It’s totally versatile. Finally, if inking your finger doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always the beer bottle moustache. As you can see, the beer bottle moustache allows you the comfort of having the moustache without the trouble of needing to shave it off. Plus, it’s f*cking hilarious. In a good way. Your current moustache is hilarious in a bad way. In a way that makes us point and laugh at you. We’re not trying to be mean here, Murph. We’re just trying to be honest. We’re just looking out for you like you’d look out for us. You’re never going to get laid with that look and as your wing women, it’s our duty to get you laid.

Please don’t throw in our faces that we like to wear moustaches as a defense for that bullsh*t that rests beneath your nose. We do not have real moustaches and the moustaches we pretend to rock are just funny. See the previous paragraph regarding the difference between funny and not funny moustaches.

You’re so lucky to have friends like us. Love you. Miss you. Kiss noise. See you at Croxley’s.

Sincerely,

Besties for Life, the Traveling Baseball Babes

PS-first round at Croxley’s is on you…you make more money than we do

PPS-Lisa wants to know if you’re coming out for her birthday. You still haven’t RSVP-ed. It’s bad enough that you missed Serena’s birthday in Atlantic City. Serena had to smoke your cigar and we had to cancel your spa appointment last minute and because it was so last minute, our credit card got charged. Please do make every effort to attend Lisa’s soiree. It’s the least you can do. Oh, and don’t you dare show up with that dirt smudge on your face.

PPPS-Barry Zito called. He wants his moustache back.