Dear New York Mets,
It’s come to my attention that your franchise is in need of some tweaking. Being an avid baseball follower, part-time supporter of your team, and that I currently hold a position on my department’s Communications’ team (which belongs to a very large, successful company), I feel like I can be of some service to you in this aspect. Below is a detailed list that I think needs to be rectified as soon as possible in order for the Mets to be successful in the future.
- The music that plays when the batters come to the plate should be chosen for them as it is clear that several of the Mets players have zero taste in music. I don’t want to name specific players because that would be mean and I’m classy, but I will say that his name sounds like Feff Jancouer.
- The list of Health Awareness days need to be re-evaluated. For example, what is with the Deaf and Hard of Hearing day? Are you serious? How about we try Fred K’s Cancer? It promotes awareness for both oral and testicular cancer, meaning you’re fighting two cancers for the price of one. Check it out at http://www.fredkscancer.blogspot.com/.
- Let’s discuss Ron Darling. I am completely horrified by your lack of appreciation for this man. There was not one single hair follicle from his head in your Mets Hall of Fame. It’s like he never played for your franchise. How could you shun him so badly? All I am asking for is one life-sized cardboard cutout of him. Is that so hard? He’s the best broadcaster in your SNY booth right now and you’ve got Keith Hernandez CRAP all over the Hall of Fame. You need to get your priorities straightened out.
- Oktoberfest is a brilliant idea. I’m only sad that you haven’t done this sooner! I commend you for this innovative way of thinking. Unfortunately, this is where your creative genius ends. You’ve created something major and didn’t bother to follow it up with a free beer stein giveaway! How could you have failed to see this opportunity staring you in the face? Furthermore, I highly recommend that Mr. Met and the Pepsi Party Patrol dress as fräuleins.
- The original home run apple needs to make a return. It’s a historical piece of Shea Stadium and you’ve carelessly relegated it to the parking lot like a garbage can. Get rid of that tomato rising from Hades in center field and bring back its predecessor. I am convinced that as long as the original remains outside the building, the Mets will never win a World Series. They need their home run apple just like we do. You shouldn’t bench the star player. I know you think that your star player is David Wright, but it’s not. Your star player is definitely the original home run apple. Might I point out that the Yankees made sure to carry the arches from the original stadium to the new one? Worked out pretty well last year, didn’t it? I’m not guaranteeing a World Series title every year. That’s just craziness. I’m saying that if you respect your history, good things will come. Follow Kevin Costner’s example. “If you build it, they will come.”
- I know that Lisa and I have already complained about this on the blog last season, but since you haven’t fixed the situation like you said you would, I am reiterating the complaint again in this letter. Your Fun Zone has the most amazing helmet garbage cans in history. Why aren’t they spread out throughout the stadium?
- Shea Stadium was the best for meeting players. Granted, it was never any Mets players, but players of the away team were guaranteed autograph signers. It was great! Sadly, the configuration of Citi Field’s infield walls is no longer conducive to meeting players. You’ve restricted fans’ access to where in Field Level they can hang out during batting practice, which consigns us to a small section near the outfield wall. I actually don’t have a problem with this. The problem is that the wall in this area gradually increases on an incline so that if you want to get an autograph, you literally have to drop your pen and item to the player beneath you. Photographs with the players are virtually impossible! I say level the wall so that Citi Field becomes as fan friendly as Shea Stadium once was.
- Demolish the Touch Boutique. It’s a disgrace to female fans worldwide and Alyssa Milano isn’t even a Mets fan. Let her open up a boutique at Dodger Stadium.
If interested, I’ll be more than happy to forward my resume for your review. I look forward to working with you in the future. I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.