Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Why Can’t We Be Friends? (Part I in a Series)

For starters, we’d like to apologize for being tardy for the party. We had an extremely emotional and disturbed Sunday and we simply could not recover from it in time to post a logical blog. Had we blogged on Sunday, it would’ve read something like this: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, CALL ME MAYBE, ALEX, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT’S GOING TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!” As you can see, that would hardly have been productive so we intelligently decided to abstain from posting…and instead, we drank beer with plastic moustaches attached to the bottles and ate Taco Bell.

We feel like we haven’t talked in awhile. It feels like 4 years ago since we asked you your thoughts on voting for the All Star Game. 3 of you said yes, you voted as soon as the ballots were released and 2 of you said that you were going on strike because you were tired of seeing TOWSNBN and Derek Jeter glistening in the sunlight. We haven’t voted yet either despite countless emails from the Yankees, Mets, and

This weekend was the first of the interleague games. Whoopiddy doo dah. Of course, here in New York, it signaled one of the two Subway Series to take place this season. It’s a very conflicting time for the TBB. We naturally want our individual teams to do well, but the Subway Series is like a battle call for all of the a-holes to come out in full Yankees or Mets regalia. People who’ve never heard of Mariano Rivera come out and talk about how full of awesomeness the Yankees dynasty is. People who think that Mr. Met is a relief pitcher out of the bull pen claim to “bleed blue and orange.” It’s a goddamn nightmare for us. The worst part about the whole thing is that these same jack wagons are always the ones to run their mouths off and pick fights. We once attended a game at Shea Stadium (back in the Bernie Williams era) and a drunken Mets fan got into our faces and threw cheese at us, claiming, “foul on the play! A Yankees fan hanging out with a Mets fan!” Not only did this statement not make any sense, it was also a waste of a good piece of cheese. Had it not been dirty, we probably would’ve eaten it. This incident (among others) prompted us to wonder why Mets fans and Yankees fans can’t be friends. It’s quite clear that Derek Jeter and TOWSNBN have dinner parties together all the time. If they can bask in each other’s golden boy glow, why can’t we, as fans, bask in each other’s blue aura? Just because our teams wear different shades of blue doesn’t mean we don’t all bleed blue. We decided to find out once and for all what the deal was.

The results of our research were somewhat inconclusive. We seemed to have found either the most relaxed fans or the most sedated. We interviewed 3 different pools of individuals: Croxley’s Ale House, Social Media Outlets, and The Main Event. Apparently, none of these pools contained angry drunks. What we HAVE found that’s interested us is that across the board (with a few exceptions), both Mets and Yankees fans tend to be disenfranchised by the idea of the Subway Series. At Croxley’s, Larry, a Mets fan, used to love the Subway Series when it first started because it was fun and the teams were competitive. Now it just seems like the players are having a good time with it. John, another Mets fan felt that if it wasn’t a World Series game, then it’s just another game. One of our online Mets fans, Randy, like Larry, also used to be excited about the Subway Series. It used to be like “a mini-World Series.” “Nowadays, we [Mets fans] want to win the series, but we no longer live and die on every pitch.” At the Main Event, Maurice, a Yankees fan, agreed with Randy and Larry that it used to be more exciting, adding that ii would be more respectable if they cycled when the Mets and Yankees play each other (similar to how rare the New York Jets and New York Giants play each other during the regular season).

Naturally, our research would be a bit one-sided if we didn’t report on the other side of the coin. Larry’s friend, Frank (also a Mets fan…and should call Lisa, maybe. Seriously. Call Her Maybe.) truly looked forward to the Subway Series each year. He felt it was good for New York and its baseball fans, the results of the games offering the winning team’s fans a chance at bragging rights (all in good fun if course). Tom from Croxley’s, a Yankees fan, also looked forward to this year’s matchup, citing that the Mets were playing good baseball, making the series much more intriguing than in past years. John’s friend, TJ (Mets fan) was the first angry fan that we met at Croxley’s.  And we use the term “angry” loosely. It was a kind of yogic anger. He was excited about the Subway Series, not to watch the games, but because he was looking forward to going into work and busting on all of the Yankees fans at his job when their team lost (it is worth noting at this time that the Mets were swept during this most recent series. We’re not sure how his Monday went, but perhaps he’ll have an opportunity at retribution when the Subway Series travels to Flushing). When Serena asked if he’d tease his co-workers in jest, he replied in a way that was more hostile than anyone else we’d interviewed for this blog post, saying quite specifically, “no. I’d do it in a very mean way.” Yes. That really was the most hostile thing we heard. Adam, a Yankees fan, was also excited for the series this year, agreeing with Tom that the matchup looked to be promising. However, he seemed to be more excited “to attend the extravaganza” and the “plethora of activities that were to take place.” Then he mumbled something about gorgonzola cheese. His low speaking voice combined with Serena’s deafness led Serena to write the following in our notebook: “…activities that will be taking place…including some nonsense about gorgonzola.”This may or may not be the breakthrough that we’d been looking for and now we’ll never know. Ryan, a Yankees fan we tapped into via our social media portals, felt that the Subway Series was always more fun for the fans than the teams. “We [the fans] enjoy the games because of bragging rights, but it doesn’t really affect the standings enough to make the games important.”

Ryan’s statement brings us to our next question. If we [Mets and Yankees fans] can’t be friends, why do we hate each other so much? The outcomes of the game hardly affect the standings too much whereas playing a Division rival has a direct affect on the Division’s standings. Why do we hate each other so much and not say, Rays or Nationals fans? Strangely enough, in a sea of Mets and Yankees haters, we were hard up to find many haters. Many of our interviewees like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, who is a Yankees fan, claimed to not be a hater at all. In fact, when the Mets do not play the Yankees, he actually roots for the Mets. Both Larry and Frank have respect for the Yankees and their history. Like the Hot Wing Arbitrator, Tom has no hard feelings for the Mets either, claiming that he has a lot more respect for the team this season in particular because of what they’ve been able to do with their limited resources. Their performance thus far has “been good for baseball.” Kevin and Pasquale, Yankees fans we met at The Main Event, weren’t Mets haters at all. “They [the Mets] are a likeable group…David Wright, David Cone, Strawberry, Gooden…” When Serena pointed out that 3 of the 4 players mentioned were all old and retired, Kevin replied, “Yeah, well, we’re old, what do you want?” Both were very adamant about not liking Jose Reyes: “Reyes. Not a likeable guy.” They guessed that perhaps some of the Mets fans’ animosity for the Yankees stemmed from the team’s wealth. The Yankees spend a lot of money to a) retain their best players and b) go out and buy players rather than invest in “growing” their athletes. Not many other teams can afford to do this so they have no choice but to “grow” their players. Then Pasquale went on a random tangent about 50 Shades of Grey and this is where we felt we had lost them for good.

Despite a claimed affection for the opposing team, many of these guys all agreed on one thing: the fans could be terrible. The Hot Wing Arbitrator seemed to have run into problems with Mets fans’ projected bitterness toward him. According to him, he doesn’t go around telling fans that the Mets suck, so they shouldn’t get in his face. He felt that they should worry about their team and he’ll stick to worrying about his own team. We tried to push him for more of an explanation, asking why he felt these fans had so much “bitterness.” He couldn’t say for sure, but guessed that since the Mets fans and their organization weren’t used to winning in comparison to the Yankees, they feel the need to “bring down Yankees fans to their level.” Tom also couldn’t quite place the source of what he called Mets fans’ “disgruntled behavior,” but assumed that it easier for a Mets fan to be disgruntled toward the Yankees because of the Yankees’ higher payroll. Maurice claimed to hate the Mets only when they were good, not because he harbored any personal resentment toward the team, but because a winning season always ignited the rise of the band wagon fans and “they’re annoying. Where were they when their team sucked?” Larry was more lenient toward Yankees fans, stating that he was “cool with true Yankees fans.” He had zero respect for the fake fans who “don’t even know Mo’s [Mariano Rivera] jersey number.” This is pretty much along the same lines as Maurice’s complaint. This is a problem seen in every single sport these days. $10 says that there’s an influx of Kings fans that crop up in California in the upcoming weeks and months.

As we mentioned earlier, there were a few haters. TJ (who we should point out was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat) truly hated both the Yankees and their fans. He said that he watches the Yankees games, hoping that they’ll lose, complaining that both the team and their fans are just too arrogant for his taste. When prodded by Serena, he admitted that he’d only root for the Yankees if they played the Phillies and Braves because while he hates the Yankees, he “really hates the Phillies and Braves (particularly the era of Chipper Jones, Javy Lopez, Andruw Jones, John Rocker, Fred McGriff, Kevin Millwood, Greg Maddux, etc.).” TJ would also never attend a Yankees game at Yankees Stadium for, as Serena put it, “sh*ts and giggles.” According to TJ, he had only been to one Yankees game and the only reason he stayed for as long as he did was that the Orioles’ pitcher was throwing a no hitter. TJ’s friend, John is also a Yankees hater, stating, “They’ve been too good for too long and their obnoxious fans [this generation] have never experienced a losing season. They can’t appreciate winning. They just expect it.” John is a little less severe than TJ, admitting he’d go to a game at Yankees Stadium, not as a fan or a hater, but as a baseball spectator. It seems we just can’t find our male counterparts. Unfortunately, while both TJ and John gave us a little insight as to why some Mets fans hate the Yankees (and their fans), it wasn’t enough for us. We wanted to really get down to the root of the problem. Brian, a Yankees fan at The Main Event, claimed that “Mets fans were whiny.” When asked to specify, he replied that the Mets were “the little brother to the Yankees.” Both Randy and Bryan, a Mets fan we met at The Main Event, claimed that they grew up Mets fans, hating the Yankees. While Randy cited growing up in a household of Brooklyn Dodgers fans, Bryan simply stated, “When you’re a Mets fan, you hate the Yankees. When you’re a Yankees fan, you hate the Mets.” BUT WHY??? Neither being a Brooklyn Dodgers fan nor being a Mets fan really answers the deep question. What prompts you to hate the Yankees so much? Serena attempted to probe Bryan further. She asked what caused this burning hatred he felt so much. He couldn’t identify it. She tried another tactic. She asked what made him hate the Phillies so much. His face lit up as he energetically claimed that Philly “had a trashy personality and no respect.” Encouraged, Serena re-asked the original question: so what’s the source of the burning hatred for the Yankees? The question was met by the sound of crickets. Clearly, we were doing something wrong here.

Having been the victims of several Subway Series hate crimes, we had to ask our interviewees about the subject of fighting. Every single person had no desire to get into a legit fight over “something as stupid as a baseball game,” however most agreed that they could probably get coerced into engaging in a fight with a real a-hole…most likely a drunk one. TJ told us that he liked to keep to himself during the Subway Series. He wasn’t interested in “any trouble.” John added, “To poke fun is okay, but to get into a legit fight over a game that doesn’t matter in a span of 162 games is stupid.” Ryan also wasn’t into fighting, but did explain that if he did get into a fight over the Subway Series, it would not be because the guy was a Mets fan. It would be because he was acting like a “f*cktard.” Also, did we mention that Ryan has a Yankees tattoo? He’s really proud of it. Maurice was adamant about the Subway Series not being worth fighting over, however, he did admit that he’d totally go to blows with a New York Rangers fan if “he was drunk and the dude’s being a huge a-hole.” (For those that are unaware, this hostility is acceptable because the Rangers and Islanders are in the same Division and have a direct influence over each other’s placement in the standings). Adam, at first, insisted on no fighting, then added, “Only Boston or MetSox fans could cause me to fight…or if the fan looked like Chris [The Hot Wing Arbitrator]…or if someone stole my hot dog.” We’re not sure if someone ever stole his hot dog at some point in his life that it caused him enough emotional turmoil to mention it here, but it’s safe to say that if anyone stole even a morsel of food from either of us, there would be hell to pay. Serena carries a softball bat in her trunk and Lisa has mace and a rape whistle.

This leads into our next subject (no…not hot dogs. We know you’re surprised by that): MetSox and Phankees fans. We’d like to specify that none of our interviewees were classified as MetSox or Phankees fans. This next paragraph is just a special little love note to you Mets fans who claim to love the Red Sox and you Yankees fans who claim to love the Phillies. If you truly love the Red Sox and Phillies, you are stricken from all titles of fanhood. You’re a disgrace. We assure you that Red Sox and Phillies Nations do not extend you the same courtesy. They hate New York. For the most part, they want us to walk into a building together and have the roof collapse on top of us. There are always rare exceptions (like Serena’s token Phillies fan, Melissa, who we’re pretty sure just loves Serena), but this does not equate to an adoration of our city’s sworn enemies. Your love for Big Papi doesn’t translate into their love for David Wright. In most cases, they’d probably gladly throw David Wright off the Brooklyn Bridge. Same goes for Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter. There is no Brotherly Love for Jete. It’s quite conceivable that they’d try to suffocate Jeter with Philly cheese steak sauce. If only you blinded fans would join us and stand united as the city of New York, we could be great. We could be unbeatable. It would be like when the Allies powers defeated the Axis powers in both World Wars. Or when the X-Men briefly partnered with Magneto and his gang to defend the rights of mutants worldwide. We could be The Avengers. Or The Justice League. Don’t you want to be a part of that? We do.

In summation:
1. Band wagon fans suck from both teams. They should be expelled from the New York Metro Area. Fans should be forced to take a quiz before purchasing any memorabilia prior to the post season so that we can verify their fanhood.
2. We don’t hate the teams. We hate each other. This miserable marriage that we’ve found ourselves in is all YOUR fault. Stop acting like a-holes and maybe we can all learn to get along.
3. The Subway Series is getting played out like Call Me Maybe.
4. Since you’re completely capable of specifically describing to us why you hate your Division rivals (Red Sox, Braves, Phillies) and you’re totally INcapable of telling us why you hate your cross town rival, it’s become clear to us that you’re just wrong. We’re right. You’re not. It’s really that simple. Get on board the love train, people. We’re not saying you have to run out and get yourself a David Wright/Derek Jeter t-shirt, but we are telling you that it’s okay to high-five a Mets/Yankees fan for a job well done OR go so far as to ask that hot Mets/Yankees fan out on a date. Just don’t let that first date be at a Subway Series game because we don’t think you’re strong enough to handle that yet. It’s like putting a recovering alcoholic next to a bottle of Jameson. You’re not sure what’s going to happen, but you’re pretty confident that it’s not going to be pretty.
5. Stop being MetSox/Phankees fans. Join forces. Your city needs you.

The End. Stay tuned for a follow-up Subways Series posting when the Yankees take on the Mets at Citi Field June 22-24th.


  1. One small correction here . . .

    We want you both to walk into a building, have the roof collapse, then the floor, funneling all the debris down upon your heads, then exploding, and turning everything into a putrid poisonous mess that floats over to Giant Stadium during a G-Man/Jets game and takes care of the rest of you.

    Nahhhhhh, just kidding. I mean, I have half a cold dead heart, after all.

  2. Honestly, when we said "building," we were thinking about MetLife Stadium. HAHAHA!