Sunday, June 19, 2011

The TBB’s Guide to Crashing Other People’s Stadiums

Sadly, only 3 people voted on last week’s poll. Kinda makes us think you didn’t like last week’s post about Ryan Braun’s Graffito AND it’s pretty clear you think we’re a-holes. We asked if you felt that we were overreacting about our Super Waiter and 2 of you actually said, “Yes. He’s just a very nice boy. You guys are bitches.” 1 person at least agreed that the waiter was a level 5 who probably collected strands of our hair after we left. You people are mean, mean, mean! And we thought WE were bad. Jeez.

So we’re assuming that everyone’s either seen or heard of the basic concept of the movie, Wedding Crashers. If not, please head to your local Blockbuster and rent it so that you’re better able to understand this week’s post. Or order the movie from Netflix. Whatever works for you. If you’re familiar, you might remember that John and Jeremy live by a set of rules for crashing weddings. During our recent trip to Minneapolis, we realized that we lived by a certain set of rules when traveling to other people’s stadiums as well, so we decided to adapt John and Jeremy’s rules to reflect our own. It turns out that John and Jeremy live by 115 rules. We’ve got ADD, so there’s no way we’re coming up with 115, but here’s what we got:

1. Honestly, John and Jeremy’s Rule #1 is pretty much the same as ours. “Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.” You know what happens when you leave a fellow Stadium Crasher behind? One of you gets roofied or worse. Then you might accidentally roofie your fellow Stadium Crasher. Trust us, it’s not worth it.
2. Never root for the away team unless they’re your REAL team. In order to really experience another person’s stadium, you have to buy into their culture and you can’t do that if you’re rooting for the other team.
3. When visiting Cleveland’s Progressive Field in the future, be adequately prepared to quote Major League I and II incessantly.
4. Always leave behind your TBB business card in key locations to draw out-of-town traffic to your blog!
5. Never let a MLB pitcher come between you and a fellow Stadium Crasher…or your significant other for that matter.
6. Do not bash the stadium or team in any way in front of the locals. Lisa complained that our tiny, wooden seats at Fenway were uncomfortable and Maria and Serena thought that the unhappy-with-life obese man behind us was going to crack a beer bottle over her head for her insult.
7. Blend in by wearing the merchandise of the home team’s heroes. For example: in Minneapolis, we wore Morneau and Mauer shirts. While walking the streets of the city, everyone and their mother asked us about that evening’s game. Why? Because we looked like ONE OF THEM!
8. Be the life of your section and participate with the local cheers and The Wave. DON’T be a party pooper.
9. Whatever it takes to get tickets to your desired game, get the tickets! Whether it be via the team’s website, StubHub, or prostituting yourself on the street corner. You don’t want to travel all the way to Toronto for a Blue Jays game only to not be able to get into the stadium!
10. Bringing your own sandwich is for pansies. If you’re traveling to another stadium, you need to truly embrace what that stadium has to offer and that includes their food!
11. Always have a camera on hand for unique stadium moments like the fireworks display during a home run or victory.
12. When it starts to rain, suck it up, cupcake. You’re in for the long haul or until they call the game due to weather. You may never get the opportunity to visit this stadium again. Enjoy it while you can.
13. If you’re offered free team merchandise in exchange for little to no effort, TAKE IT! We currently possess an assorted array of A’s, Angels, Mets, and Yankees free t-shirts and have sported Brewers and Mets temporary tattoos. Oh, yeah. We blend.
14. Be respectful of any memorial service for the dead. DON’T be an a-hole.
15. Fight the urge to tell the Phillies/Red Sox fan leading a “Mets/Yankees Suck” chant to go f*ck himself. Remember: you’re incognito.
16. Always be ready to chase a mascot for a photo opportunity. A Lou the Seal baseball card is an unacceptable alternative.
17. Everyone deserves the free giveaway, but we promise you that if it’s 14 & under night, you’re definitely not getting one. They’re pretty strict about that stuff.
18. You love the home team’s colors even if it’s the most disgusting color combo you’ve ever seen…like Oakland’s green and yellow.
19. Don’t ask foreigners to take your picture unless you can speak their native language WELL. There’ll be an utter breakdown in communication and that’s how you end up with a photo of the Phillie Phanatic’s ass and Lisa clapping instead of a nice, smiling shot of the two of you with the entire Phanatic.
20. $50 gets you “okay” seats in New York. If you can pay $50 or less and score amazing field level seats at another team’s stadium, make the investment!
21. Definitely make sure you have your tickets with you before you leave the hotel.
22. You have the entire game to seal the deal as the team’s #1 fan. Extra innings may be applicable.
23. There’s nothing wrong with having seconds provided you have enough money and appetite to go around. Eat as much as you can financially and physically handle.
24. If you get outed, calmly hand over a TBB business card and explain yourself. Do not run. The locals can sense fear. Besides, you could make a follower/fan this way!
25. You understand that you paid $15 for essentially a garbage bag, but you feel strongly that you look like a #1 fan wearing that White Sox poncho.
26. Of course you love *insert home team name*
27. Don’t over drink. It’s too damn expensive and you have to remember that you’re rooting for the Phillies/Red Sox, not the Mets/Yankees.
28. Make sure you know where your closest restroom and hot dog/desired food (whether it be Italian sausage, bratwurst, taco) stand is located.
29. Always be a team player. Every TBB needs a little help once in awhile.
30. Know the team’s lineup so you can cheer appropriately.
31. Never eat the $1 hot dog. You’ll regret it. There’s a reason they’re only $1.
32. Never commit to a player unless you know he’s still on the team or that he left on friendly terms (like when Torii Hunter left the Twins for the Angel and UNLIKE when Alex Rodriguez left the Mariners for the Rangers…or when he left them for the Yankees for that matter).

And now for last week in baseball:
Joe Mauer returned to the Twins’ lineup on Friday night and went 1-4 with an RBI and run scored. Unfortunately, Serena forgot to start him in her fantasy lineup that night…like a true a-hole.

Marlins’ manager, Edwin Rodriguez, stepped down this morning. In the interim, the team’s bench coach, Brandon Hyde, will be taking over management duties.

Albert Pujols left today’s game against the Royals with a sprained left wrist and will be reevaluated tomorrow.

TOWSNBN is still recovering from a stress fracture in his lower back. All he’s been physically able to do thus far is make 20 throws and take ground balls on his knees. He’ll be seeing a doctor later this week in order to get clearance to start a rehab program in Florida.

Lastly, Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there, especially Papadukes and Papa L.!

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