Sunday, March 4, 2012

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last week, the big news was that Ryan Braun was cleared of all performance-enhancing drug charges. We asked if you were happy about it. Surprisingly, 5 of you voted, “No. He did it! I know he did! And I’m not gonna rest until I get the evidence I need to prove it!” Only 2 of you chose, “Yes, I love him and his Italian restaurant with the creepy waiters.” We thought he had more fans than this. We’re truly shocked that more of you weren’t supportive of him. 
Among the many other things that AJ Burnett does not do well, the man apparently can’t sacrifice bunt to save his eye. AJ took a ball to the eye off his bat during bunting practice. He underwent surgery to repair the fracture and will miss 2-3 months, forcing the Pirates to change their Opening Day starter. While Lisa finds this story amusing (as AJ will most likely have to wear an eye patch while playing for the Pirates), Serena is absolutely flabbergasted. Having played softball for most of her life, she happens to be a pretty good bunter. It’s not all that difficult. It’s probably the easiest thing she learned while playing the game right after learning how to slide into a base. Even watching the replay of this accident confuses Serena (Lisa laughs at it). How BAD do you have to be at squaring off to the pitcher in order for this to happen? The bat’s supposed to be nowhere near your face. It’s still supposed to be able to cover the plane of the plate. We’ve literally watched the video 6 times. Each time, our conversation goes something like this:
*Play Video*
Serena: I just don’t get it!!!! What the f*ck is he doing?
Serena: It just doesn’t make any sense!
Serena: Want to watch it again?
Lisa: YES!

It’s at this time that we feel it necessary to break up with AJ once and for all. He’s no longer with the Yankees and now he no longer has an eye. After breaking up with him on our blog during the 2010 season, we dallied off and on with our AJ (we do share a house pet after all). For those of you who have no idea what we’re talking about, please read this. But now there’s nothing keeping us tied to him, we’ve decided that we need to cut ties and be firm about it. No more back and forth crap. It’s too much. Our hearts can’t take it anymore. It brings us great pain to do this, but it needs to be done.

Dear AJ,
By the time you read this, you will already have gotten your eye patch. Hopefully, reading this letter will not strain your remaining good eye. We all know that this relationship hasn’t been easy these last two seasons. Your inconsistent efforts on and off the field (and don’t make us spell this one out. You know what we’re referring to here) has taken its toll. Adding these issues to the fact this has now become a long distance relationship pretty much spells doom. Plus, you’re not even with a good team. How do you expect us to pretend to be happy for you when you’re playing for the Pirates? At this point, you should just head down to the minors. We’d have a little bit more respect for you. Perhaps you should consider retiring.

This brings us to the recent incident of your eye. We get that you play for the Pirates and that it’s amusing that you’re forced to wear an eye patch now, but c’mon. We enjoyed role playing together, but this is taking things too far. Now you’re living the role play. That’s not cool. That’s pathetic. Instead of being a starting pitcher, you’re the team mascot. We like mascots and all, but you don’t see us trying to go out with any of them, do you? No. That’s weird. And creepy. It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. How did that ball even hit your eye? Lisa’s father always warned us that you were an a-hole and now here’s the proof. We should’ve listened to him before we became emotionally attached. What happened to us, AJ? There was such promise. Such fire. And then you sucked, which got you traded. To a sucky team to top it all off.

It’s time for us to move on to bigger and better things. Lisa’s in love with Joey Votto now (he’s a guido after all) and Serena’s onto Justin Verlander. Turns out they have a lot in common, including the Taco Bell menu. We’re not sure we ever had anything in common with you. Now that we’ve had time to think about it, we’re not even sure why we started dating you to begin with. You’re blonde. And not that attractive. Even worse is that you cost the Yankees a sh*t ton of games! Last season, you ended the year with an ERA over 5. That’s just unforgiveable. What are we supposed to do with a man like that? Now you’re telling us that you can’t even do the one lousy thing that pitchers are supposed to be able to do in the batter’s box? You’re a pathetic excuse for a professional baseball player, pitcher, man, and most of all, lover.

Since we’re leaving you in such a heartless way, we’re going to let you have Winkie. Unfortunately, Lisa lost him, so you’ll have to find him first. She has no idea as to how long he’s been missing, but the good news is that he’s a cat, so he’s probably just fine. Rumor has it that he’s on his way to San Francisco to live with Barry Zito and his comb-over/porn-stache. At least Barry’s never hit himself in the eye during bunt practice. You know what? Let’s be real here. We don’t even like cats, so why we agreed to adopt one with you is beyond our comprehension. If you retire, you can take Winkie to Florida with you (that is, if you can find him) and live happily without us.

*Sigh* Listen, you know we love you, but we just can’t take this. You know we love you, but we’re playing for keeps. Although we need you, we’re not gonna make this. You know we want to, but we’re in too deep. Enjoy Pittsburgh. Say hello to your mother for us. We did like her despite the fact that she birthed a pansy such as yourself.

Formerly Yours,
Lisa & Serena

PS- Don’t expect us to say hello to you when you’re at Citi Field because it’s not going to happen. The pain of this relationship is too great. We can’t be friends.

Now for the rest of this week’s baseball notes:
The asinine added Wild Card round will go into effect this season. Thank goodness the MLB has another avenue with which to make money. So happy for them. We were afraid for a hot second that they might starve. The new Wild Card round will consist of a single-elimination game in each league. The 3 Division winners in each league will await the survivor of this 1-game playoff in order determine their Division Series opponents. This is just like being in Little League. Everyone gets a f*cking trophy. The teams that play the best should go to the playoffs. It’s really that simple. Also, with this new format, Division rivals will now be able to face each other in the Division Series. Confused? We’ll explain. Last year, the American League Wild Card came out of the East (as usual). The Yankees were unable to face the Rays, therefore they faced the Tigers whereas the Rays faced the Rangers. Under the new scenario, the Yankees might’ve faced the Rays in which case the Tigers would’ve faced the Rangers. Adding this extra round also eliminates potential last minute drama during the regular season. Last year, both the Cardinals and Rays advanced to the Wild Card on the last day of the regular season by defeating the Braves and Red Sox respectively. Had we had this new format, all four teams would’ve advanced to this bull sh*t new Wild Card game and we would’ve been sitting here watching baseball during Thanksgiving. F*ck the Dallas Cowboys game. We would’ve been eating turkey while watching Albert Pujols face off against Josh Hamilton.

Now that the Marlins have flamboyant new uniforms, a snazzy new stadium, and a revamped lineup, the team eyes the chance to host the 2015 All Star Game. As if that’s not enough, the team’s confident that they’ll also have the chance to host the 2013 World Baseball Classic. Sorry, but this is what we’re hooting and hollering about?
We’re not impressed. It looks like a resort from this angle and in other photos, it’s passable for an airport or aquarium. Nothing about this screams baseball. It screams “douchebag.” Kind of like their new short stop.
Jason Varitek retired. Boo hoo. Cry us a river.

Finally, enough’s enough. This has to stop. Where are you with this f*cking beard? Are you in a cave? What is this? It’s just not funny anymore. Look at us. We’re not laughing. You look like an a-hole. Oh…wait…are you having a mental breakdown? Cos’ then it’s totally rude for us to pick on you about this. It’s becoming quite clear that you’re suffering from a chemical imbalance.


  1. How do you bunt a ball into your face during batting practice? It's not like they were throwing high and tight, or spinning curves. Pretty much a fastball you know is coming right down the middle.

  2. I guess he was eyeing it up like a pool shot.

  3. Okay, I know I've been quiet lately, but I just gotta jump in here on a couple of things.

    First, this new playoff format has me longing for the hockey playoffs, where nearly every team that scores a goal in the regular season gets a shot at going to the Stanley Cup. In fact, I think they ought to eliminate the regular season entirely and just go to an all playoff format. Or maybe . . . we can just have a home run derby to decide the World Series Champion, and they can travel around the country in one big bus, and perform at State Fairs instead, and the pitchers can compete in those booths where you knock over the milk bottles.

    I mean, come on!! Yes, we all know its about money, and adding two more teams to the mix at the end of the year. And while I once thought it was great that teams that get hot at the end of the year can actually steal a Championship, I guess I am beginning to turn into an old man, and saying things that start with . . "In MY day, you had to WIN something to get into the playoffs . . ."

    I suppose, that in some scenario in the not distant future, we will have tie between the 5th and 6th best team in a league, and they will have a one game playoff, followed by a one game playoff to determine the wild card, followed by a 5 game playoff Divisional Playoff, followed by a 7 game League Championship, followed by a 7 game World Series, which will be won by the 6th best team in a league, and possibly the 12th best team in baseball

    . And while that will be great for teams that are up and coming, I don't see that it creates more drama in September and October. Instead, it creates even more teams coasting in the last week of the season, and more hyperbole on the network broadcast about what an amazing season this 86 win team had.

    I am equally sure that in the year the Phillies are the third Wildcard team, I will be excited they have a shot, but . . . in all honesty, when that happens, I should be ashamed of myself!

    The other thing I want to comment on is Jason Werth. I was a fan when he played for the Phils, but I did kinda wonder what he had living in that muff he wears. Seriously, there are critters in that thing!! It was bad enough when he had the flavor saver a few years back, but this HAS gotten out of hand, and his face is beginning to look like the cootchie of one of those hermit lesbian women living in the backwoods of Maine.

    Shave for god sake, before it runs for congress.

  4. The sad part about this, Jim, is that you wrote this long comment that has many valid points that we should address and virtually high-five you for. Unfortunately, our immaturity and attention span brought us to, "cootchie of one of those hermit lesbian women living in the backwoods of Maine." HAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious.

  5. I am so glad I added the lesbian part.