Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.
It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.
- You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
- You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
- You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
- Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
- On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
- You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.
Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.
Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.
Please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.
If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)
This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.
A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.
PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.