Sunday, December 2, 2012


Last week, we asked if you would find us annoying if you ended up stuck in seats next to us at a sporting event. Surprisingly, 8 of you said, "No, you're hilarious." WE know we're hilarious, but we were starting to doubt your sense of humor. Since no one voted for the negative options, there's no need for us to cover them. It's become quite obvious that you're falling in love with us and that you're becoming stalkers. Are we going to need to take a break? We don't like feeling suffocated.

Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.

It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.
  • You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
  • You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
  • You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
  • Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
  • On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
  • You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.
Anyway, that's all behind us now. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Let's move forward, shall we? Your birthday is coming up, isn't it? It's the big 3-0. You're finally playing on our turf now. We should celebrate together to really cement our fresh start. We'll be like the Febreeze brothers, we're so fresh. We're heading up to Foxwoods on the 20th. You should join us for some classy dress, drunken antics, cigars, really awesome shower stalls, and Blackjack. Just think of how much fun you'll have sitting at a table with us. We're even willing to join you in the high roller room as long as you let us gamble with your money.

Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.

Please email us at to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.

If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.

Gracefully Yours,
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)

This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.

A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.

PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.


  1. "Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you" damn about playing hard to get!

    I think if Serena hollered out "cup check" before d*ck punching you know who all the other players would think it's funny. And I believe cancel out any illegalities.

  2. Okay, this is just me spitballing here . . . but I am wondering about the stratagem of a conciliatory letter where the first thing you do is lay out all the reason he is an a-hole (leaving out the most obvious one, which of course is that he is a Met, after all.)

    Possibly, just possibly, starting the conversation with "You're gonna think this is hilarious, when you hear . . . " or "We are back on our meds" might open the door a bit more than threatening to mash his man-bits into paste. Just sayin'.

    Still, from a strictly personal point of view, I think you are better off without him. If he is unable to put aside his mammoth ego and see that you are, as you so clearly state, hot and hilarious, then (don't) screw him, the girly little bitch.

    I also want to point out, its getting a little sad, and all of us here, you're closest friends, are getting a little weirded out by the fact that you write letters insisting you are moving on, only to write still another letter begging for another reset or you are moving on. Have some self respect, really. You are better than this!! There are plenty of other clueless baseball players out there you you can play "Slide into Third" with.

    Look, I know its hard not to know the reason TOWSNBN is a dickwad, but you've got to accept it. Once you learn to be happy alone, you can begin to find happiness as the stalker of another.

    Be brave, it only hurts a little, given time.

    1. Jim, if Lisa could get over TOWSNBN, don't you think she would have by now? Come now. And Serena d*ck punching is more for her pleasure than anything. She wants Lisa to drop him like a hot potato too.

  3. You do realize this is a on going "Joke" on this blog. What would we write about then? The only chance of divorce would have been if he signed with The Phillies. I just threw up thinking about that...

    1. now look at what you started...

  4. Wow..remind me never to piss you girls off. Especially Serena..I don't wanna get d*ck punched, after all...And if I'm getting to 'clingy'..just let me know...

    1. Yes from what we hear it's painful! Your safe for now! :)

    2. Michael,
      If it makes you feel at all better, I serve all of my d*ck punches with a smile. Plus, if you're getting too clingy, you'll know. I make no effort to hide my irritation, so by the time I've reached d*ck punching proportions, you should've been well-prepared for it and you obviously deserved it.


  5. ummmm, duhhhhhhh . . . . yeah I GET it!!!! Now you are making me question my sarcasm skills. They say that's the first thing to go, right after your knees.

    Still, I feel your pain, really . . . and we need a third baseman, and there were some rumblings about Angel Pagan and TOWSNBN in Red Pinstripes. (gahhhh . . . I am tasting throwup in my mouth here, worse than when they traded for Dykstra.)

    Still, as I mentioned . . . we, your loving family (Lisa) hate to see you grovel for a man who so obviously doesn't deserve someone so hot, so hilarious, so Latin. ( see I "get" the ongoing joke thing, really. Its not like I'm a Pirates fan, sheesh.)

    Side note: Serena, I LIKE you more all the time!!! Punch away.

  6. never fear Philly fanatic, the Rangers are about to send their DH to be your 3B next year.

    Kevin Youkilis in a Yankees uniform maybe? what the hell?

    1. Youk will not be a Yankee because the Yankees fear Serena's utter outrage at the thought of a man with a giant pole up his a$$ playing third.

  7. Ok, girls. Thanks for the heads up. Uh, no pun intended...