Friday, December 18, 2009

Dear David Part 2

Last week, you had another solo affair with Lisa because Serena headed overseas for her own version of Vicky, Christina, Barcelona. Apparently, Javier Barden is not the run of the mill guy over there. Talk about false advertisement. While she was out of commission, Lisa asked if you considered yourselves band wagon fans. Only 5 of you answered the call. Thankfully, all 5 were smart enough to answer, “No way. Do I look like a NTAC? All of my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into my team whether or not they suck hard core.” We’re so proud of you for picking the best answer available to you. The other options (which if any of you had chosen them, you would’ve been ridiculed mercilessly for) offered were, “Yes. My favorite team is whoever is currently in first place or the World Series Champions” and “Maybe. I did just recently hang up my pirate’s patch and hat in order to sport a Phillies Cheesesteak hat.”

Two weeks ago, we wrote TOWSNBN a letter asking for forgiveness and a meeting at FAO Schwartz on Tuesday, December 15th at 2:00 pm. He didn’t show (or we may have missed him because we were admittedly, a bit late), so we’re writing him a follow up letter.

It’s us again. So…obviously you didn’t meet us at FAO like we requested. Either you really can’t stand us or you think we stood you up because we were about 50 minutes late for our date. We’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you had shown up and we missed you. Allow us to explain. For the second time in our adult lives, we attempted to ice skate. This might not sound like a big deal to a super star athlete such as yourself, but for years, we’ve visited Wolman Rink in Central Park with the intention to ice skate, only to chicken out at the last second. From 2-2:30 pm on the date of our rendezvous with destiny, we skated like slow pokes around Wolman Rink. We accomplished 4 laps in 30 minutes, only managing to fall once each. This, we feel, is quite the feat. It then took us another 20 minutes to change out of our ice skates and into our boots, and the race frantically from the park to the entrance of FAO. Unfortunately, the only person to greet us was an elderly gentleman dressed in a toy soldier’s outfit and carrying a Cookie Monster doll. Which is kind of weird now that we think about it.

We searched everywhere for you. High and low. Including the Harry Potter Zone.
Among the baseball memorabilia.
Even within the elephant herd (which Serena had to sneak into, mind you).
Finally, we had to give up the fight. We hope that we being late simply deterred you from meeting us. We apologize for our tardiness and our inconsideration for your valuable time. We’d like to make it up to you (though technically, you should’ve known we’d be late. We’re always late). We can’t take you out to dinner because we’re poor (hello, we’re saving recyclables to deposit for spare change in order to help pay for our stadium trip to LA next year), but we’d still like to have the opportunity to prove our amazing senses of humor to you. We’re quite funny together. Not separately, mind you. But together, we’re a riot. A regular slap stick comedic duo.

We will be in the city again during the second week in January. If you email us, we will arrange for a specific date, place, and time where to meet. We don’t want to broadcast this information on our blog because we don’t want to encourage stalkers. After all, we did risk our lives to publish the failed FAO meeting place and time. All for you, TWOSNBN.

We are going to repeat our promises and threats from our last letter should you email us or fail to comply with our request by the beginning of January:

“We’ll immediately remove the title of “TOWSNBN” and only give you good publicity from here on out. We may even retire your number on our blog. To date, we only have one player in our TBB Hall of Fame, so that would be quite the accomplishment.”


“However, if you do not show up, you will be stricken from TBB record for life, we’ll stop cheering for you at games, we will never vote for you to go to the All Star Game ever again, Lisa will buy a new Mets jersey, and she will burn all of her merchandise with your face, name, and number on it. Trust us, that’s a lot of Mets memorabilia. It could be the size of a bonfire. Don’t let this happen, David! Save your Golden Boy reputation! Pose for a picture with the TBB.”

TOWSNBN, this will be our last point of contact on friendly terms. The next letter, if you fail to accommodate us, will not be kind. And it will be the last letter you will receive from us. Which might actually make you really happy.

As usual, Happy Holidays!

The Traveling Baseball Babes

Now on for legitimate baseball-related news: today’s baseball notes! By now, we’re sure you’ve already heard that Chien-Ming Wang became a free agent on Saturday when the Yankees failed to offer him a contract for next season. Supposedly, he is “disappointed.” Well, c’mon, dude! What have you done for the team for the past two seasons other than be injured? Why would they re-sign you? And you should be “disappointed.” You’ll probably end up playing for a team like the Royals now. What you may not have heard, unless you’re an A’s fan, is that the A’s failed to offer Jack Cust a contract for next season as well. This hit home for the TBB in particular because when we traveled to McAfee Coliseum, our free giveaway was a Jack Cust bobblehead. He still sits proudly on our desks at work. In a crazy, multiple player trade, Cliff lee landed with the Seattle Mariners, while the Phillies scored the illustrious and highly coveted Roy Halladay. Halladay will reportedly receive $20 million/year in 2011, 2012, and 2013. His extension includes a $20 million vesting option for 2014 based on innings pitched, games started, or both. Not bad for a man who bats for “Team Jacob” simply based on supporting his own kind. Finally, the Red Sox hit big. On Wednesday, outfielder, Mike Cameron and pitcher, John Lackey were introduced to Fenway Park. Cameron agreed to a 2 year, $15.5 million deal while Lackey signed a 5 year, $82.5 million contract.

Chicago described our angst perfectly, when Peter Cetera crooned the following lyrics, “It’s hard for the TBB to say we’re sorry. We just want you to know. Take a picture with us now and we really will tell you we’re sorry.”

BallHype: hype it up!


  1. So how are you guys feeling about Melky going to Atlanta for Vazquez? I went into shock this morning, but I'm fully recovered now!

  2. I am sad because I REALLY liked Melky (and now I have a useless t-shirt that says, "Got Melky?"), but at the same time, we need pitching, not more outfielders. I hope Cano doesn't go into shock over losing his BFF!