Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear David

Last week in keeping with the Thanksgiving holiday spirit, we asked you which player you’d rather have Thanksgiving dinner with. The poll only received 5 votes. Hopefully, it’s not because we’re boring you, but it’s because last week was a holiday. 2 of you voted for “Tiny” Tim Lincecum because you could both smoke a doobie following dinner. 1 person wanted to have dinner with Derek Jeter because he’s the Golden Boy. 1 chose Joe Mauer because he’s the AL MVP and 1 shallow individual chose Barry Zito (and it wasn’t Serena) simply because he’s hot. No one wanted to sit down and eat with Albert Pujols, despite him winning the NL MVP, or Chipper Jones. We might want to do dinner with Chipper just to have the opportunity to punch him in the face, but that’s just us.

We’re going to do things a little differently and report to you today’s Baseball Notes before getting into our topic of discussion. We want to make sure you’re not bored with our relationship, so we figured this may spice things up. Grady Sizemore has asked MLB investigators to help stop the publication of hot, sexy pictures that he claims were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account and posted online. We’re not attracted to Sizemore or anything, but you tell us naked pictures and we immediately want to get our hands on him. Oh, please, please, Grady, don’t stop publication! For the sake of dirty perverts everywhere, let’s yourself be free! The Braves have reached an agreement on a 1 year contract with waste of space pitcher, Billy Wagner. This is pending a physical exam, of course. With Alex Gonzalez parting ways with the Red Sox via free agency, the Sox toyed with the idea of moving Dustin Pedroia to short stop next season. He was apparently open to the suggestion, having been an All American short stop at Arizona State. Fortunately for him, the Red Sox reached a 2 year agreement with free agent short stop Marco Scutaro yesterday. Granted, this is pending a physical exam (as usual), but it looks like Pedroia will continue to patrol the infield from the right side.

We’ve decided that if we could write a letter to TOWSNBN, this is what it would look like:

How was your Thanksgiving? Are you getting ready for the holidays or are you still bitter and thinking about how hard you and your teammates sucked last year? Will you be traveling down to Virginia to visit the family? Perhaps ride a tractor?

How’s your head doing? We were there that day that Matt Cain beamed you in the coconut with a high fast one. We were initially concerned for your well being. Lisa even attempted to hop the wall to get you in order to apply first aid, but then we remembered that we were angry with you and Lisa decided not to assist. We were also afraid that we’d get arrested and be banned from Citi Field, which would just not work for us. There are many National League ball players that we’re striving to stalk from Citi Field and if we’re not allowed through the gates, we’re not going to have a chance. By now, it’s become clear that you’re not going to marry Lisa, so she’s going to have to settle for another player. She’s totally fine with this. She’s finally accepted the thought that you hate her and she’s moved on.

Speaking of your animosity, this brings us to the real reason that we’re writing. Why do you hate us so much? Granted, you probably hate Lisa more than Serena because she is your stalker and Serena’s only along for the ride, but still. We figure you hate Serena simply based on guilt by association. If Mr. Met isn’t scared of us by now, why are you? We’ve taken dozens of pictures with Mr. Met and he continues to greet us with an enormous smile that would make toothpaste commercials jealous. Now that Lisa has relinquished her dreams of being “Mrs. Wright,” she’s focused her attention on getting one small memento from you and no…it’s not your underwear. She just wants you to take a damn picture with her. Is that really so much to ask for? For heaven’s sake, Serena has had to photo shop a fake picture of Lisa and you together and place it on a ceramic mug for Lisa’s birthday just to make her feel better about herself.

Despite countless attempts to be near you over the past 5 years, the closest we’ve come is standing beside your wax figure at the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in the city. Why are you avoiding us? What have we done that has prompted this anger? If you search our site, you will see that Barry Zito and Brad Ziegler have both posed for photos with us. Also, while the picture may not be available online, Lisa has also gotten her picture taken with Mike Jacobs. Clearly, we’re trustworthy. We’re not going to stab you if you stop and pose for a photo with us. Since we’d be in public, you should not fear Lisa mauling you because she has common courtesy.

Are you upset at the way we make fun of you on our blog? We only do it because you continue to ignore us. It’s just our way of making the wounds you’ve caused heal. If only you’d be nicer to us, we’d stop. It’s really that simple. We’d go back to calling you, “David Wright,” instead of TOWSNBN. We don’t really like calling you that. It’s hard to remember. We want to call you by your given name, so please…be kind. Rewind. Turn back the clock and let us into your hearts this holiday season.

On December 15th, we’ll be in the city celebrating Christmas. We’ve got quite the itinerary planned, including Central Park, the tree, Serendipity 3, and shopping. If you forgive us for our cruelty and mocking behavior, meet us outside FAO Schwartz at 2:00 pm. We’ll immediately remove the title of “TOWSNBN” and only give you good publicity from here on out. We may even retire your number on our blog. To date, we only have one player in our TBB Hall of Fame, so that would be quite the accomplishment. However, if you do not show up, you will be stricken from TBB record for life, we’ll stop cheering for you at games, we will never vote for you to go to the All Star Game ever again, Lisa will buy a new Mets jersey, and she will burn all of her merchandise with your face, name, and number on it. Trust us, that’s a lot of Mets memorabilia. It could be the size of a bonfire. Don’t let this happen, David! Save your Golden Boy reputation! Pose for a picture with the TBB.

Oh, and have yourself a merry little Christmas and a Happy New Year. Mets 2010!

The Traveling Baseball Babes

Next week, Serena is off to Spain with her friend Maria (whom you may recall from our Fenway Park post), so you will have another solo post from Lisa. We’re aware that our recent posts have been a little “non-traditional,” but on the 18th, we’ll be back to normal again.

For now, we will part ways with the following words, brought to you by Don Henley. “We’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter…we think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness, David. Even if, even if, you don’t like us anymore (or never did).”

BallHype: hype it up!

1 comment:

  1. It seems the photos of Grady have enhanced his standings with the ladies.