Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Murphy

Last week we inundated you with fascinating details regarding facial hair etiquette. Naturally, our poll followed the same theme. We asked you if you felt that creeptastic facial hair made you a better ball player…or not. Of 6 votes, a whopping 4 agreed that it made players perform worse because nasty facial hair makes them less aerodynamic. 1 person felt that these horrific growths actually made players better because time typically wasted on grooming was spent on practicing baseball. Finally, 1 NTAC, who we’re pretty confident is either TOWSNBN or his imposter, who posted a comment on last week’s blog, thought that this poll was the stupidest poll ever and that he couldn’t wait for the season to start so that the TBB would stop writing about retarded garbage. Well, Mr. NTAC, we’re sorry that you don’t like our off season reporting, but there are plenty of people (and by plenty, we mean 2) who find our nonsense funny. So pin a rose on your nose. Why don’t you groom your beard? Male or female. We care not.

You may have already guessed it what’s about to come simply based on the today’s title. We are going to share yet another letter with you. We simply love writing letters and not sending them. We’re content to just post it here and then force you people to tolerate it. Today’s letter is directed toward the one and only Daniel Murphy. Some of you, like Papa L., might not understand why we’re choosing to send a letter to Murphy. Papa L. is even advocating trading Murphy for a bag of marbles and a player to be named later. However, what you people have failed to see here is a man worth sending a letter to. For starters, he looks so nice on television, which obviously means he’s nice in person. Secondly, his last name is Murphy, which is definitely the best last name in history. He’ll probably party with us on St. Patty’s Day as soon as he friends on Facebook and give us a chance to invite him out. Also, he’s probably a fantastic karaoke singer. We have no proof of this, but we have a good feeling about that Murphy’s pipes. Finally, his jersey number is 28 and as we all know, Serena only likes even numbers. It’s pretty clear that this future friendship is destiny. So without further delay, we present to you our letter to Daniel Murphy:

Dear Murphy,
What’s up? How’s the off season treating you? Do you mind if we call you Murphy? We feel like we’re already such good friends and figured calling you by your last name would be acceptable. Since we know you’ve been following our blog religiously since its inception, you’re probably aware that we’re on the outs with TOWSNBN. You may think that he doesn’t like us because we’re crazy, but we assure you that are not crazy nor do we deserve TOWSNBN’s animosity. We’re good people. All we wanted was a picture and maybe an autograph. Lisa’s long ago relinquished the fantasy of being his wife. Truly, we’re harmless.

We encourage you not to believe the lies that TOWSNBN have perpetuated about us. He’s going to try and convince you not to socialize with us. That being said, we strongly feel that you should be our partner in crime. You could be the Charlie to our Angels. Let us offer you evidence as to why our friendship could beneficial to you and why you should not fear us.

  1. We are small. If you felt threatened, you could easily handle disposing of us.
  2. We know how to party. We encourage you to friend us on Facebook and check out our San Francisco photo albums (not, we emphasize, NOT our Boston pictures) as proof of this.
  3. We like sports, so we can definitely chat sports with you. You could even order some pizza and watch the Jets game with us this weekend. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Also, if you’re in slump, our knowledge in the field of baseball could perhaps assist you in shaking that funk. We’re just saying…
  4. We are very interested in clothing. We will guarantee that you’ll never commit a fashion faux paux on or off the field.
  5. We are fun companions and therefore, should you need a date to the ESPY’s, we’ll be more than happy to fill that role free of charge because we’re friends and because we’re not prostitutes. Imagine how studly you will look with not one, but two TBB’s on your arm. You big Irish stud man.
  6. Speaking of being fun companions, we also like to travel. Therefore, you can take our charming personalities on the road with you! Imagine the awesome possibilities that await us! Can we say, pillow fight? Snuggle time in your away jersey? Body shots? We think, yes!
  7. We enjoy fitness. Perhaps we can all train for the upcoming season together? We think we could also offer you valuable tips on preventing injury. For example, you should always stretch before and after a hard work out. We could demonstrate to you our stretching techniques. Think about it.
  8. We are loyal. Fear not the trade deadlines. We are willing to support you regardless of what franchise scoops your adorable face up.

In conclusion, we actually think we shouldn’t have to say anything else. This list alone should prove our worth to you. Although we would also like to point out that neither of us has ever been checked into a mental health facility and therefore TOWSNBN’s accusation that we’re insane is clearly suspect. If you choose not to be our friend, we will not hold it against you. We will still cheer for you from the stands at Citi Field.

Happy Valentine’s Day if we don’t speak to you before then.

The Traveling Baseball Babes

Whew! We feel so much better having gotten all of that off our chests! On to this week’s baseball notes: The Marlins signed Josh Johnson to a 4 year/$39 million contract. He is rumored to be one of the candidates to throw the first pitch at the new stadium the Marlins are scheduled to get in 2012. A bit weird that they’re already discussing first pitches at a stadium not yet built, but who are we to judge? 2009 AL Cy Young Award contender, Felix Hernandez, received a 5 year extension worth $78 million from the Mariners. See? You don’t have to win to profit. Keep that in mind all of you Golden Globe losers. Just being nominated really does count. Lisa’s favorite Flyin’ Hawaiian, Shane Victorino, agreed to a 3 year/$22 million contract extension with the Phillies. The Phillies have also offered Joe Blanton a 3 year/$24 million extension. Lisa’s blossoming hope wilted when the Mets missed out on acquiring more pitching yet again. The Angels landed RHP Joel Pineiro with a $16 million/2 year contract. Bengie Molina chose to re-sign with the Giants for 1 year at $4.5 million. Apparently the Mets had offered him $5 million, but the Bay Area was just too appealing for Molina to leave. Or he had absolutely no desire to deal with playing for the Mets. To each his own, we suppose. Of course, Carlos Beltran continues to astound us with his amazing ability to be an a-hole.

Well, that’s all folks! Woody and Buzz Lightyear sang our feelings for Murphy best in Toy Story when they said, “When the road trip looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice, warm bed, just remember what your TBB pals said, Murphy, you’ve got a friend in us.”

BallHype: hype it up!

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