One of our followers suggested that we chronicle a day spent with a baseball player. Since this happens pretty often, we had to narrow down which story to share with you. We chose our random Tuesday spent with Bryce Harper because we figured that none of you really wanted to hear about our special friends that play for the Yankees and Mets (and by special, we mean "imaginary"). Plus, the restraining order is official and we're not allowed within 25 yards of those guys, soooooo....yeah. That's why we have to get our seats in the upper deck all the time. We're not cheap. Just ostracized.
So anyway. Back to Bryce. Since he's a child, we picked him up early from nursery school with his mother's permission...of course. We're not kidnappers. Sheesh. From the Children of Hope Academy for the Gifted, we drove Bryce (safely buckled into his car seat naturally...we're very responsible) in our rental Prius to play laser tag. It was Pizza Party Day at Laser Tag Land, so Bryce ate an entire pizza by himself even though we told him that it was a highly illogical thing to do. Boy, were we right. After a few minutes running around the laser tag course, Bryce threw up all over one of the girls on the green team. It was gross, but truth be told, she kind of deserved it. She was trash talking Lisa all over the place. She had to go. Unfortunately, the vomit incident prompted management to escort us from the vicinity. Turns out, being Bryce Harper doesn't get you everything.
We buckled Bryce back into his car seat, intending on heading to Friendly's for some ice cream sundaes, but Bryce stopped us. He said, "Listen here, my soul sistahs from another mistah, I'm having a fantabulous time, but February IS just around the corner and I need to get some work done. Can we hit up a batting cage instead?" Serena, being that she is a professional personal trainer, had an even better idea. We decided to take him to a local mini golf course instead. At first, Bryce was skeptical, but then Lisa reminded him of the fact that we basically transformed Tim Lincecum into a sparkling peacock that wins championships and he gave in. Case in point.
At the mini golf course, we bought Bryce a Good Humor Bubble Play ice pop and let him choose the pink golf ball. He gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. In fact, we always let him win because if we don't, we throws a temper tantrum and it's embarrassing. For us. While we waited our turn at the windmill hole (it took him at least twenty swings to get the ball through the windmill), Bryce mentioned that he proposed to his girlfriend, Kayla. Immediately, we voiced our displeasure. "You're too young to get married!"
Lisa: "How did you even propose?"
Serena: "On construction paper written in Crayola Crayon?"
Lisa: "With a Ringpop? What flavor was it?"
Serena: "Do you even know what we were doing at your age?"
Lisa: "Having a great time! Being awesome!"
Serena: "God, Bryce! You can't even tie your own shoes yet!"
Lisa: "Next thing you'll tell us is that you want children. Children having children! What's this world coming to?"
Serena: "You can barely recite the entire alphabet."
Upset by our tirade, Bryce ran off, screaming that he wasn't going to invite us to the wedding anymore (like we cared). Serena was fine with this outcome because she really didn't want to have to make the trip to drive him home anyway because it was out of the way and there were no Taco Bells in the area, but Lisa felt it was extremely irresponsible of us to not return him home to his mother like we'd promised. Ugh. We went after him and found him crying by himself on one of the coin operated french poodle rides outside of the mini golf place. Serena has no patience for this kind of crap, so she slapped him. It made him cry louder. He called Serena a "meanie." Lisa agreed that Serena HAD acted like a meanie, but that he also had to respect the opinion of his elders. He understood and apologized for being such an asshole, but asked us to please be respectful of his life choices and to his bride-to-be. We grumbled a reply, which was satisfactory to him, but really meant nothing to us, so as far as we're concerned, we agreed to nothing.
After that, we got giant cupcakes and drove Bryce home. He fell asleep in his car seat with chocolate smeared on his face. He looked like such a clown. After bidding his lovely mother farewell (she loves us...our photo is in a frame on the fireplace next to Bryce's engagement photos that had been taken at Nationals Ballpark), we drove ourselves to the airport for the trip home. It was a very long day, but it did help us reach a very important decision about our lifestyle choices. We've decided not to befriend any more baseball players because obviously they're all a bunch of overrated babies.
The End.
Showing posts with label we're a-holes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label we're a-holes. Show all posts
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
A Second Stab at the Whole New Years Resolution...Thingy
Okay. It seems as if we're not really good at sticking to resolutions. Like the rest of America (it's been stated that only 45% of Americans actually make New Years resolutions and of those 45%, only 8% actually fulfill their resolution(s) to their satisfaction). As promised, we did, in fact, print out a copy of our resolutions and carry them around with us, but that didn't seem to help us stay on track. We're not sure what happened. The year just...got away from us. Or something. We made "some" progress on the 2013 resolutions and "some" progress on the 2014. Let's relieve the ones we didn't accomplish broken down by year, shall we?
2013 Failures:
1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure it out.
2. Covering the remaining playoff games from the bar. Literally. As in we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack the bar's WiFi (side note: the password is quite often the bar's phone number), and cover the games. In addition to the blog post, we'll also post commentary to Twatter. (@TravelingBBabes). Follow us. Do it. In our defense, we lost our bar, so we need a new one.
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa. This is hardly considered a shocker. Let's be real. This may never happen.
5. Visit and blog about our visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The fact that we haven't accomplished this yet is borderline pathetic. It's opened during the off season, within driving easy, and just an overall simple task to accomplish. We have no idea why we can't get our sh*t together and just do it.
6. Spy a professional player in plain clothes. We stress professional. You and your beer bully running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants that you haven't washed in months doesn't count as a baseball player.
7. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. Yeah. This is literally the worst baseball blog ever.
8. Establish a weblog. - Honestly, we still don't know what a weblog is. How can we expect ourselves to establish something we don't even understand?
9. Get on the jumbotron together at any stadium.
10. Be recognized at a game for being the world renown Traveling Baseball Babes.
11. TBB World Domination. So far, we haven't even dominated Facebook, so....
2014:
1. Lisa finally watches all of the Star Wars movies. Even the bad ones staring Natalie Portman (the acting equivalent to a cardboard box). Again, this is a relatively task to accomplish, yet we've failed to do so.
2. Get one professional baseball player to follow us (whether it be on the blog, Facebook, Twatter, Instagram, or Google+).
3. Post a Q&A. Something about us that you're curious to know? We'll give you a period of time where you can email/message/post/etc. anything you want to know about Lisa, Serena, or both of us and we will dedicate an entire blog post to your questions. Please no requests for photos of us naked or in our knickers. Don't be creepy. Maybe we'll do this next week so we can start feeling a little better about ourselves being such resolution rejects.
4. Serena will get a good night's sleep. And by a good night's sleep, we mean the recommended 7-8 hours as opposed to her usual 2-4 hours.Yeah, no. This might also have to fall under the list called, "Never Gonna Happen."
Things we actually accomplished in 2013!
1. Attend Star Wars Night.
2. Score 200 followers on Facebook. We're currently at 185. - FINALLY! At press time, we currently stand at 203 followers. What the hell took us so long? Are we not lovable or something?
3. Serena will finally get a job with the Yankees even if that means she's responsible for cleaning all of Derek Jeter's 4 million pairs of shoes that reside in his locker. Well...now Jeter's no longer with us. BUT Serena did get a new job at a fancy gym and an Islanders' girlfriend trains there. That sort of counts. Halfsies.
Three. We only checked off an additional 3 items from the 2013 list. That's deplorable.
2014:
1. Get rid of Kitty aka: the one called "Max." Unfortunately, we've replaced Max with another kitty, but at least we like this kitty.
2. Attend Opening Day together.
3. Win the "Shiva Bowl" in our fantasy leagues. Bonus points for the other TBB making it into the playoffs as well. Boom. Serena took Tigers Love Pepper into the Shiva Bowl after a not-so-good start to the season and beat the panties out of her opponents. Suck it, bitches!
4. Serena will have a penetration partner and Lisa will have a baby daddy. Not the same man (which shouldn't be too difficult seeing as how we're attracted to totally different men). We're gonna go "halfsies" on this one. Lisa may not have a baby daddy and Serena may not have a penetration partner, BUT Lisa does have prospects and Serena has been penetrated this year, soooooo....progress.
Since we haven't accomplished much in two years' worth of resolutions, we're not adding any new ones to the pile. We'll just keep chipping away at the current list of neglected resolutions.
2013 Failures:
1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure it out.
2. Covering the remaining playoff games from the bar. Literally. As in we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack the bar's WiFi (side note: the password is quite often the bar's phone number), and cover the games. In addition to the blog post, we'll also post commentary to Twatter. (@TravelingBBabes). Follow us. Do it. In our defense, we lost our bar, so we need a new one.
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa. This is hardly considered a shocker. Let's be real. This may never happen.
5. Visit and blog about our visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The fact that we haven't accomplished this yet is borderline pathetic. It's opened during the off season, within driving easy, and just an overall simple task to accomplish. We have no idea why we can't get our sh*t together and just do it.
6. Spy a professional player in plain clothes. We stress professional. You and your beer bully running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants that you haven't washed in months doesn't count as a baseball player.
7. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. Yeah. This is literally the worst baseball blog ever.
8. Establish a weblog. - Honestly, we still don't know what a weblog is. How can we expect ourselves to establish something we don't even understand?
9. Get on the jumbotron together at any stadium.
10. Be recognized at a game for being the world renown Traveling Baseball Babes.
11. TBB World Domination. So far, we haven't even dominated Facebook, so....
2014:
1. Lisa finally watches all of the Star Wars movies. Even the bad ones staring Natalie Portman (the acting equivalent to a cardboard box). Again, this is a relatively task to accomplish, yet we've failed to do so.
2. Get one professional baseball player to follow us (whether it be on the blog, Facebook, Twatter, Instagram, or Google+).
3. Post a Q&A. Something about us that you're curious to know? We'll give you a period of time where you can email/message/post/etc. anything you want to know about Lisa, Serena, or both of us and we will dedicate an entire blog post to your questions. Please no requests for photos of us naked or in our knickers. Don't be creepy. Maybe we'll do this next week so we can start feeling a little better about ourselves being such resolution rejects.
4. Serena will get a good night's sleep. And by a good night's sleep, we mean the recommended 7-8 hours as opposed to her usual 2-4 hours.Yeah, no. This might also have to fall under the list called, "Never Gonna Happen."
Things we actually accomplished in 2013!
1. Attend Star Wars Night.
2. Score 200 followers on Facebook. We're currently at 185. - FINALLY! At press time, we currently stand at 203 followers. What the hell took us so long? Are we not lovable or something?
3. Serena will finally get a job with the Yankees even if that means she's responsible for cleaning all of Derek Jeter's 4 million pairs of shoes that reside in his locker. Well...now Jeter's no longer with us. BUT Serena did get a new job at a fancy gym and an Islanders' girlfriend trains there. That sort of counts. Halfsies.
Three. We only checked off an additional 3 items from the 2013 list. That's deplorable.
2014:
1. Get rid of Kitty aka: the one called "Max." Unfortunately, we've replaced Max with another kitty, but at least we like this kitty.
2. Attend Opening Day together.
3. Win the "Shiva Bowl" in our fantasy leagues. Bonus points for the other TBB making it into the playoffs as well. Boom. Serena took Tigers Love Pepper into the Shiva Bowl after a not-so-good start to the season and beat the panties out of her opponents. Suck it, bitches!
4. Serena will have a penetration partner and Lisa will have a baby daddy. Not the same man (which shouldn't be too difficult seeing as how we're attracted to totally different men). We're gonna go "halfsies" on this one. Lisa may not have a baby daddy and Serena may not have a penetration partner, BUT Lisa does have prospects and Serena has been penetrated this year, soooooo....progress.
Since we haven't accomplished much in two years' worth of resolutions, we're not adding any new ones to the pile. We'll just keep chipping away at the current list of neglected resolutions.
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