It's Been Awhile

So...it's the off season. For baseball and for us, clearly. Overall, it's been a pretty chaotic last few weeks for us. Besides that, we're not really sure you even noticed our absence. We fed you old garbage and you ate it up like hungry, hungry hippos. Also, no one signed our Jayson Werth petition, so nice job guys. How do you expect him to listen to us if you don't support us?

In all honesty, it's becoming increasingly challenging to find sh*t to write about during this time of year. Throw in our severe ADD and it's an all around sh*t show. Lisa arrived at Serena's house at 7:20 pm and it took us an hour to stop surfing the internet, looking up Vinylmation toys, and perusing our Disney Facebook photo album.

Since it's so difficult for us to find creative blog topics to write about during the November and December months (and sometimes January), we'd like your feedback. This means you actually need to respond. If you don't respond, this request defeats the purpose. The most interesting topics we receive (either via Blogger, email, Twatter, or Facebook) will be covered here on the blog. You'll also get credit for coming up with the idea and if we're feeling particularly generous, we will send you a prize. Probably something incredible like an autographed photo of Alyssa Milano...or us in action mode.

We leave you with this random photo to get you through your darkest hours:

Traveling Baseball Babes' Second Half Picks

For starters, we'd like to figure out who exactly is voting on our polls. Out of 13 votes, 8 of you are nice enough to believe that we should be on television. One person has gone so far as to suggest that we have our own reality show (thank you, secret friend). We happen to agree. 1 of you thought that we belong in a mental hospital. Well, whoever you are, you are not very nice. You're just not. You're not going to get anywhere in life being that mean. You probably don't even have any special secret friends like we do. Now...let's discuss the nasty 4 people who thought that we should only be on television if we are replaced. It's not even the replacement part that pissed us off. We get it. We don't take the best pictures at stadiums and sometimes we look like we have a stink eye. We also understand that there are hotter chicks in this world than we are. We're not in denial. We're completely self aware. However, the fact that you think Alyssa Milano and Jessica Simpson would do a better job than us is appalling!!! Do you not read this blog? Do you not understand that we hate Alyssa Milano? Did you not pick up on the fact that that choice was a joke option? If you continue to behave in this asinine manner, we're going to restrict your joke option votes.

We have a ton of baseball notes for you today. For starters, on Saturday, July 25th (only 2 days after we were in attendance at Yankees Stadium), the Yankees put Brett Gardner on the 15-day DL because of a broken left thumb. On Monday, July 27th, the Mets fired Vice President, Player Development (what this is, we don't know. How does one get this job?), Tony Bernazaro for a tirade that involved closer, Francisco Rodriguez and several minor league players. Apparently, this tirade included Bernazaro ripping his shirt off and challenging players to...what? We don't know. It could have been a duel, dance off contest, or wrestling match. The ridiculousness of the entire situation reminds us of that fantastic incident with Braves minor league coach, Phil Wellman in June of 2007. Coaches just don't have tantrums with flair anymore. Wang is pulling a Carl Pavano and will be out for the rest of the season...again. On Wednesday, July 29, the Yankees announced that he will be undergoing arthroscopic surgery on his cry baby shoulder. Following his perfect game, Mark Buerhle set the MLB record for retiring 45 consecutive batters during Tuesday night's game against the Twins. The Phillies have scored 2008 AL Cy Young Award winner Cliff Lee from the Indians for four lousy minor leaguers. Randy Johnson has a torn rotator cuff, which will keep him off the field until at least September. Finally, it appears that Fatty McFatty, David Ortiz tested positive for steroids in 2003. If we were him, we'd get a refund on those steroids because his body isn't nearly as nice as AROD's. On a brighter note, he is an excellent bedazzler. We'd like to congratulate him on his hot Jackie O glasses that he was rocking during the press conference following the game against Oakland yesterday afternoon.

Finally, on to our main topic of discussion. Our playoff picks for the second half.

American League East:

In the beginning of the season, Lisa felt that the Yankees would take the division and they are currently leading. She is going to stick with her original decision. Serena was convinced that the Rays would defend their title, but as of now, it doesn't appear that it will happen. She now feels the division title and wild card will be divided between the Yankees and Red Sox.

American League Central:

Both of us had picked Minnesota to take the division. Even though Detroit is currently leading the division, the Twins are only 2 back and we still feel that they've got shot. Lisa now thinks the AL Wild Card will be the White Sox instead of the A's (no offense, Brad Ziegler, but she's got a Sox poncho now).

American League West:

We agreed that the Angels would clinch this one with flying colors. It appears that we were correct in our estimate as they currently have a 3 game lead on the second place Texas Rangers. It is our duty to point out now that Lisa's former Wild Card pick is 17.5 games out of playoff contention.

National League East:

It still causes her chest pains, but Lisa is going to continue with the Phillies. Originally, Serena had been torn between the Phillies and Braves for division leader and Wild Card, but now she doesn't think that the Wild Card will come from the East at all. Therefore, she's going with the Phillies. Lisa had high hopes for the Mets taking but they're 9.5 games behind Philly and 6.5 back in the Wild Card race. Despite these numbers, Lisa continues to believe that the Mets have the ability to take the Wild Card. Now that's faith.

National League Central:

Our pick for the Cubs seems to be accurate for now. They are leading the Central by a 1/5 game over the Cardinals. Amazing...a team with an idiot like Milton Bradley is still able to win enough games to keep them on top. Serena thinks now that this is the division where the NL Wild Card will come from and that it will be the Cardinals.

National League West:

Lisa had high aspirations for the pitching staff in San Francisco, but they're currently 7 games behind the division leading Dodgers. Serena was off by a long shot when she chose the Diamondbacks. They are currently 19 games out of first place. Serena is depressed to admit that the Dodgers will most likely maintain division supremacy, but due to our arch nemesis being a Dodger fan, Lisa is still pulling for the Giants.

Bon Jovi ends today's lunch break session with, "Oh, we're halfway there, oh, oh, living on a prayer! Take our hands and we'll make it, we swear. Oh, oh, living on a prayer."

Waldorf & Statler Have Spoken!

Inter league play is upon us. This can either bring great joy or great sorrow to Mudville depending on what side your team ends up on. For example, should the Mets and Yankees get spanked, the only fans that will benefit are the awesome Red Sox and Phillies fans. We sincerely hope you can read the thick sarcasm layered on that "awesome." Here's why: Mets fans are not going to be happy if the Mets lose, OBVIOUSLY. Same goes for Yankees fans if the Yankees lose. Now...why should the Mets fans be sad if the Phillies sweep this weekend? HELLO, people!!!! The Phillies would have gained 3 games on your Mets! Same for Yankees fans. If the Red Sox sweep the Mets and the Yankees lose, guess what? Yankees are down 3 games as well. We hope this weekend brings peace, joy, and unity among "subway brothers" with victories for New York. Imagine it: Yankees and Mets fans flocking together and holding hands. Singing songs like, "We Are the Champions," "Why Can't We Be Friends," "What a Wonderful World," and of course, the Friends theme song.

Last week's poll went surprisingly well in that most people (out of 5 again, we seem to be topping out at 5 votes) agree with us that players should be punished for not performing the simplest baseball tasks, such as not running out a ground ball, because "they are overpaid weenies." We're glad to see that our tiny, pathetic following is at least comprised of intelligent people. That's always a plus, though personally, we would've liked to see most of the votes swing toward the "killed by a mascot" choice, but we'll let that one go for now. Of course, this could just be because we're bitter and unhappy people...kind of like Statler and Waldorf (and no. We don't know which one of us is Statler or Waldorf in the picture. You'll have to ask our tech support, Sean to find out. He's the one who created this glorious portrait of us).

On to today's baseball notes: Joba scored a boo boo on the knee in last night's Yankees game against the Orioles. X-rays appear "negative." Whatever the hell that means. At least the Yankees have stretched their winning streak to: 9. To quote Major League II, one of the best baseball movies of all time (that's right, Alyssa Milano, we were actually able to PICK our favorite baseball flick), "...if we win tomorrow, that's 2 IN A ROW. If we win three in a row, it's called a winning streak! It has happened before." We probably just jinxed the Yankees. Crap. In San Francisco, Barry Zito lost again Tuesday night against the Padres. His record now stands at 1-4. This may seem like we're kicking him while he's down, but seriously. We can't NOT comment on the situation. That's like avoiding the 800 pound gorilla in the room. He lasted 8 innings and actually did give the Giants a quality start. His only mistakes were two solo home runs. Now...if his team could actually score more than 1 run a game, he'd be all set. If he loses his next start, which is Tuesday, May 24th against the Mariners, we promise not to make fun of him for it. Maybe that will make him feel better. Now for Jerry Manuel. Oh, Jerry. It is clear that unlike the Lemur King, Jerry does NOT have "excellent plans." Telling Ryan Church that he "could've strangled him" for missing third may not have been the nicest thing to say in the world, but it could've been much worse. He could've gone after Ryan's mother, which would've been just plain rude. More importantly, why Ryan Church? Why did Jerry pick him, above all of his players, to lash out against? The one dependable player who plays with heart every single game that he gets to start in? Was that the best move? Why not someone like Jose Reyes, who instead of running hard out of the box every time he hits a ball, moves into a home run trot because he assumes that he has, in fact, hit a home run? Do you know what assume does to you? It makes an A$$ (no cursing now, children read our blog) out of you and me. So...thank you, Jose, for doing that to us. The Mets have now lost four in a row. We suppose we could twist the Major League quote to reflect a losing streak, but we're pretty sure that this is not necessary. Lemur King Manuel: it's time to re-think your "excellent plans." Perhaps Maurice can help.

Our friend, Linda took her son, James to the Yankees game on Wednesday night. She (we are jealous to inform you) met not only Alex Rodriguez. Not only Alex Rodriguez and Joba Chamberlain. But Alex Rodriguez, Joba Chamberlain, AND Nick Swisher. What the hell are we doing wrong????? She goes to one game and meets all three of these men. We've attended hundreds of baseball games and have walked away with one failed attempt to flirt with a bullpen catcher and two photos with Brad Ziegler. Technically, Brad was only nice to us because he almost killed us. It is possible that our record to date would have just been a failed attempt to flirt with a bullpen catcher had he not almost hit us in the head. Apparently, all three were gentleman and Nick Swisher shook her hand and called her, "baby." Did we mention that in order to get a picture with Brad Ziegler, he had to almost kill us? He didn't call us baby either.

Last but not least, what would a TBB blog be without a rant on Alyssa Milano? Definitely not a complete one. The YES Network's Zack Ziegler did an interview with Alyssa because she is a super duper celebrity baseball fan. She does, as per her blog, "bleed blue" or didn't you know that? This interview confirmed that she doesn't really know what she is talking about. For one thing, she "lately" has been a #1 fan of Roberto Clemente. How can you be a #1 fan of anything "lately?" What does that mean? It's okay to say, "lately, I've been craving feta cheese." It is not, however, okay to say, "lately, I've been a #1 fan of a retired baseball player." Second of all, she admits that she used to be a Yankees fan, but then she moved to LA and become a Dodgers fan. Um, does anyone else smell a band wagon fan? She also announced that she will be opening a boutique in a stadium in the NFL, NHL, and NBA, so congratulations, fans. Her awesome team kimonos will now be available in any team of your choosing. What mind boggles us is that she chose Citi Field to open her MLB boutique. But we thought she was a Dodgers fan? Who bled blue? Did we get that wrong? Exactly what color blue does she bleed? Is it navy? Pastel? Turquoise? Royal? Sea foam? Any blue? Nevermind the fact that we cannot figure out why the Mets agreed to this nonsense. That's not important. What's important here is that now she'll probably be infiltrating the homes of the Giants (blue and red), the Magic (blue and black), and the Lightning (also blue and black) with kimonos galore. We could go on for days on this pointless and ridiculous interview, but we're on our lunch break and do not have time. No...we're not jealous. We don't wear kimonos to baseball games.

In unrelated news, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

In a variation of the Beach Boys' famous hit, "wouldn't it be nice if we could win this weekend and screw the Sox and Phillies, then we wouldn't be so bitter Monday and we can all enjoy some food!"

Spokeswoman for Baseball?

Since it's clear no one has tuned in this entire week or voted on our current poll (which will basically determine our next major stadium tour!), we've decided to extend our closing date one more week. At posting time, we've had 1 vote and it's Sean, who likes us and has probably voted out of a sense of obligation. We thank him anyway. You may notice that Florida (an obvious destination being that it's on the Eastern seaboard and home to 2 teams) is not an option. That's correct. It's been recently publicized on epsn.com that the Marlins will be getting a new home in 2012 (the Rays, potentially being right behind them) and we're not going to a Marlins game at Dolphin Stadium only to have to go back and do it all over again. We've learned our lesson (please see RFK Stadium post for reference)!

Now...onto today's topic: Alyssa Milano. Before we begin, we must preface our upcoming rant with one comment: We are not jealous of Alyssa Milano's success. At all. Everyone deserves success and good fortune. We simply do not understand her success being women's role model for baseball fans and being #1 baseball fan in general. Let's go back a little, shall we? Pre-published book. Our "rivalry" (if you can call it that since everyone knows her and no one other than our friends and family knows who we are) with Alyssa Milano began approximately 2 years ago at Shea Stadium. No...we didn't meet her. In fact, we sincerely doubt we ever will, but that's besides the point. We were at a Braves/Mets game where Shea Stadium was celebrating how fantastic dogs are. This game stands out in our minds not because of the actual game (we can't recall who won or lost, but if we're betting on our team's typical performance style and our luck, the Mets probably lost), but for the fantastic dog parade before the game and our regret that we didn't bring Spanky, Serena's dog with us (see picture to the left to discover how fabulous he is). After the dogs marched around the field (much to our delight), we headed to the Mets Clubhouse (not the real one, the store) to look for the giant Mr. Met bobblehead i order to get our picture taken with it. As we wandered around the store, we stumbled across racks of expensive and tacky Mets clothing for women. Who would make such clothing and encourage unsuspecting women to commit such terrible fashion crimes? The rack declared the clothing line was, "Touch." Lisa then found a tank top that said, "I love rookies." What kind of girl would wear a shirt like that? Any reasonable girl knows that you need to hook the David Wrights, Derek Jeters, Carlos Beltrans, Alex Rodriguezs of a baseball lineup in order to live the good life. The writing on the shirt was bad enough, but not downright awful...yet. What happens next will remained burned in our memories for all time. Lisa picked the tank top off of the rack and held it up for Serena to see. Her face changed from bewildered to sheer horror. Our conversation went as follows:

Serena: "What's wrong?"

Lisa: "Look."

It was at this time that Lisa turned the shirt around so that Serena could see the back.

Serena: "Oh, my god! That shirt practically asks for a gang bang."

The back of the shirt was ripped into tiny shreds, effectively turning the shirt into a backless shirt. It looked like Edward Scissorhands had gotten a hold of it. We wondered who would create clothing clearly unsafe for young women to wear to sporting events? Had this person ever attended a sporting event, let alone one that took place in the Bronx or Flushing?! Serena found the answer when she turned around and saw the giant poster in the store's window: Alyssa Milano in all of her bedazzled Dodgers shiny jacket glory advertising her "Touch" clothing line. Her rhinestones and bedazzler single handedly, we are convinced, encouraged Jessica Simpson to wear a pink Tony Romo jersey to a Cowboys game. The media crucified Jessica for her choice in attire, but really is it her fault that she thought this was acceptable when there are designers out there creating authentic team merchandise in purple, pink, sparkles, bedazzlers, etc because they think that this is the only way to gain popularity with the female gender? Yes, she made a stupid decision, but it's not really her fault. Please note: we are not Jessica Simpson fans.

Reason for anti-Milano sentiments #2: her blog. Obviously, we are not saying the people aren't entitled to blog. Everyone should have a blog. For pete's sake look at us. We blog and who are we? If you find her blog (and we will not give you the address. You want it, you find it), you may notice that she clearly has more fans that we do. However, that being said, we'd have more fans too if we co-starred in a sitcom with Tony Danza 100 years ago too or played a "loose woman" with "loose morals" on a witch show called Charmed. Again, this isn't what bothers us. What bothers us is her random baseball theme. Apparently, she is a huge Dodgers fan and "bleeds blue." What's perplexing about this little trivia is that she was born and raised in STATEN ISLAND. Confused? Us too. Now, if she is old enough to be alive for when the Brooklyn Dodgers were in town, then damn, she looks good for her age and we'll withdraw our complaints. But if she isn't old enough (and we suspect she isn't), then we bring her Dodger fanhood into question. To us, this just makes her look like a giant poser. Also, why does anyone care that she is this massive Dodgers fan? No one cares that we like the Mets and Yankees. Except us. Does anyone care that Ben Affleck is a Red Sox fan? Not really. Do you see him creating a clothing line for male Red Sox fans? No. At least, not to our knowledge. Do you see him writing a book or blog about his devotion to the Red Sox and all of their red magnificence? No. At least not at the time of this post (should he prove us wrong in the next couple of years, we will apologize to you, our readers, Alyssa Milano, and send him hate mail for proving us wrong).

Finally the nail in the coffin, the straw that broke the camel's back, the sh*t that hit the fan....you may have noticed our reference to Ben Affleck potentially writing a book about how when he was two, he was just destined to be in love with David Ortiz (this is pure speculation, we have no idea if this really happened). You may have wondered why we referenced a possible publication. Here's why: Alyssa Milano in her apparently vast knowledge of the sport, players (initimate knowledge that is, if you get where we're going here), and all that jazz, wrote a book. You don't believe us? Check out our picture of Lisa in our local Barnes & Noble. Yes, she is holding a pair of scissors to the cover. It's only that small because she didn't want to alarm store security with an enormous sharp object. For $23, you too can read the crap that is written between the pages. For $23 you can really understand Alyssa Milano and her love for the sport of baseball and how she would change the game (why do we care? the game's not gonna change. It's been the same way for decades). We wouldn't spend $23 on a memoir unless it had exact details as to how Carl Pavano or Barry Zito were in the sack. But that's just us and the need to find out if Carl Pavano is good at anything or than being a baby or injured (or in some cases, both). Or if Barry Zito is good in bed. We are pleased to report that at this particular store, there were only 2 copies of the book, no cardboard cut out display of the woman, that the 2 copies in question were on a top shelf that we actually needed a step stool to access, and were not located in the sports section. As catty as that may or may not sound, it's the truth. We were pleased at these things.

To sum it all up as to why we're so angry, we'll put it to you like this: imagine that one day Giselle Bunchen woke up and decided that she would be the spokeswoman for the NFL. After all, her man is the famous Tom Brady from the Patriots. Clearly, she knows a lot about football. She is also a famous super model in her own right and good looking. Who wouldn't follow her as if she were leading the crusades into the Super Bowl all by herself? Who needs a QB or strong defensive line when you have....GISELLE BUNCHEN?! Now...take all of those details and change them to Alyssa Milano, Marlins/Giants/Red Sox (take your pick), and baseball. Instead of her being a famous super model, she's an out of work TV actress. We wouldn't be nearly as angry if the female spokesperson for baseball turned out to be a writer for espn.com, a sports writer for a newspaper, a sports broadcaster on TV, or Jennie Finch or Cat Osterman (Olympic softball players for those of you who don't know). They make sense. They live sports. Alyssa Milano lives baseball because she tells us she does and she's cute and that's apparently enough to qualify you as a spokesperson for the female community watching baseball.

Other noteworthy items for today: Team USA sucks. They got their rearends handed to them by the Japanese, who then defeated Korea (again) in the championship game of the finals. The picture we're showing is taken from espn.com. Such pansies.

We leave you with these last thoughts written and performed by that fantastic and poignant group, Aqua: "I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, read my blogs all day, and read my book everywhere..."