It's Been Awhile

So...it's the off season. For baseball and for us, clearly. Overall, it's been a pretty chaotic last few weeks for us. Besides that, we're not really sure you even noticed our absence. We fed you old garbage and you ate it up like hungry, hungry hippos. Also, no one signed our Jayson Werth petition, so nice job guys. How do you expect him to listen to us if you don't support us?

In all honesty, it's becoming increasingly challenging to find sh*t to write about during this time of year. Throw in our severe ADD and it's an all around sh*t show. Lisa arrived at Serena's house at 7:20 pm and it took us an hour to stop surfing the internet, looking up Vinylmation toys, and perusing our Disney Facebook photo album.

Since it's so difficult for us to find creative blog topics to write about during the November and December months (and sometimes January), we'd like your feedback. This means you actually need to respond. If you don't respond, this request defeats the purpose. The most interesting topics we receive (either via Blogger, email, Twatter, or Facebook) will be covered here on the blog. You'll also get credit for coming up with the idea and if we're feeling particularly generous, we will send you a prize. Probably something incredible like an autographed photo of Alyssa Milano...or us in action mode.

We leave you with this random photo to get you through your darkest hours:

Jayson Werth, Buy a F*cking Razor! Check Groupon Goods for Sales!

Welcome to Movember. One of the best times of the entire year. A time for men to embrace their inner manliness (because let's face it, men are now all a bunch of pansies who get their eyebrows and sh*t waxed). Unfortunately, there are those on this planet that abuse Movember 365 days of the year. Since this is a baseball blog, we're not going to waste time belly aching about the idiots we see on a day to day basis. We're going to focus on the King of Facial Hair Failures himself: Jayson Werth.

It is important that we emphasize just how often this man offends the very essence of mankind. Worldwide. This man has not only appeared in one facial hair blog posting, but in every single one. Including a special letter designed specifically for him. The only facial hair related blog post that he's not featured in is our letter to Barry Zito and that's only because we had bigger fish to fry that day.

There aren't words to describe what Jayson Werth has become. To call him the missing link would be an insult to the missing link. Behold:

We're done. We're done with him and his asinine behavior. We're throwing down the gauntlet. If this a-hole doesn't shave his f*cking sh*t off by Thanksgiving, we're demanding that he allows us to shave him for men's health related charities. Of course, since he's rich, he'll be writing the check for these donations. We ask all of you to show your support for this cause by leaving words of encouragement in the comments section of this blog post. We will then take this blog post/petition and pepper his social media outlets with it.

Since it's Movember, he can't shave his hair completely off. Therefore, to help Jayson, we've compiled some examples of what acceptable and desirable facial hair looks like:

Tom Selleck and the moustache:

Actually, we don't think anyone but Tom Selleck should be rocking a Tom Selleck moustache because technically, it's creepy and only he can pull it off. So maybe he needs to find another moustache to choose from. Perhaps he should Google Johnny Depp.

Chris Evans shows what it's like to wear a beard the right way. That's he is Captain America and Jayson Werth is an a-hole.

Brad Pitt is not only a political activist, but he also knows how to groom a proper goatee. Take notes.

Lastly, and Serena's personal favorite, the 5:00 shadow. Jensen Ackles is basically a super hero at crafting the 5:00 shadow. Maybe you should try reaching out to him to ask for some help. We think he has an official Facebook page.

Traveling Baseball Babes, join us in this call to arms! Do not stand for this malarkey any longer! Join us! And fight! We stand together united in hatred for stupid beard choices!

The Bearded Menace

It's that time of year folks. It's time to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly regarding facial around the league. Let's just get right down to it because to be quite frank, there's a whole lot of nasty floating around out there to be discussed. 

First up is Brian Wilson. What. The. Flying. F*ck. What the hell can you even say about this? It looks like he glued an afro wig from Party City to his face. And then braided it. 

As usual, this a-hole made it to the sh*t list. Jayson Werth. We never think it's possible for him to get worse than he already is, but then the next season rolls around and he manages to outdo the shi*t show from the year before. How? How does he continue to astound us with his terrible grooming habits? How is it even possible? His hair defies the laws of logic. Is he that hairy everywhere???

So...Josh Beckett decided to grow a Brillo pad on his chin. Because this is considered sexy now? 

Is Tim Lincecum joking? His haircut was bad enough and now he's grown this pathetic little upper lip caterpillar. We tried to find a cartoon character that we could reference in order to make fun of him, but truth be told, even Jafar has a better moustache than Timmy. 

Finally, let's move on to the champions of facial hair. Let's welcome first timer to our blog, Tanner Roark to the list. 

Vastly improved from last year, no?

 

Chris Young shows young men everywhere how to rock a perfectly groomed beard without appearing to have used a stencil in order to do it. Or an eyeliner to pencil in the aforementioned facial hair.

Brandon Morrow? Yes. Nicely done, good sir. We likie. You stay classy. 

Jeff Bianchi gives Justin Verlander a run for his money in the 5:00 shadow beard department. We have no idea who he is, but Lisa accidentally found him on The Google. Meow. 

It was a struggle this year, folks. It's becoming increasingly more challenging to find the good eggs in a nest of beard vipers. Why can't you f*cking a-holes just shave your goddamn beards properly? Is it for attention? Because that's pathetic. 

Borderline Professionals at Everything We Touch

Last week, we talked about our experience running in the Damon Runyon 5K and we discussed our a-hole behavior with our fake Olympic medals. Because of this, we asked if you thought us to be pompous a-holes. Surprisingly, 7 of you said no! Even more shocking is that no one voted yes!

We have some news for you. If you thought we were arrogant and over-the-top with this 5K, WAIT until you hear about our NFL Back to Football Run. It was FOUR miles! That's .9 more than a 5K. We'll post pictures and talk about how great we are at a later date. Next week is the Mickey Mantle exhibit (which we know you've been dying to hear about), but after that, oh, the glory you shall receive. The sweaty, arthritic glory. You're salivating in anticipation, aren't you?

At this stage of the game, we're borderline professional runners. Our next step might be a half marathon in which we wear tutus and feather boas and you get alcohol at the finish line. The only problem is that 13 miles is a long time to keep us occupied. That's 9 more miles that we're going to have to sing songs during. 9 more miles to complain about how far this trail is. 9 more miles of our hip joints weeping softly. 9 more miles of Serena asking where the ice cream is. It's just a lot to handle. Plus, we don't think there's any entertainment along the way. If there were performances by some elephants, bands, magicians, midgets, or fat bearded ladies, then perhaps we would be motivated to continue. Or if someone in better shape ran in front of us with two mugs of beer and pizza, THEN perhaps we would be motivated to continue. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Far, far ahead.

As you can see, this is quite the abbreviated blog post, but if you continue to scroll down, you will see our actual blog post for this evening. Nationals Ballpark. Enjoy. Eat some popcorn while you read it.

Once again, we are the super heroes of the week because we sat in an a-hole car for 14 hours. Jayson Werth is a-hole of the week because he apparently has never owned a razor.

Bienvenido a World Series

In our last week’s poll, we asked who you felt should do the on field interviews for the World Series. Of the ten votes, the TBB barely won with 5 votes. Apparently half of you felt that one of us (okay…Serena) telling off Johnny Damon was worth putting us on camera with a microphone. Horrifyingly enough, Jessica Simpson came in close second with 4 votes! This is not funny. At all. You’re telling us that dating Tony Romo (another idiot, mind you) is enough to qualify her as a sports interviewer. Is she going to ask Derek Jeter where chicken of the sea came from? Or perhaps that’s the kind of stuff you’re banking on? Tim Gunn from Project Runway earned the last vote. The fact that Jane Heller garnered no attention is a bit perplexing to us. Technically, she has more business conducting pre-game (or post-game) interviews than we do and definitely way more class and knowledge than Jessica Simpson. Our guess is that most of you felt that Jane was the most obvious choice, but since you think that you’re a real pack of jokesters, you decided to vote for the asinine options instead. If that was your motivation, why didn’t anyone vote for Gerard Butler in his 300 attire? At least we would have had a work of art to look at before and after the game!

Clearly, it’s all about the World Series this week. Despite’s CC’s excellent on Tuesday in Game 1, the Yankees still managed to screw it up. Note the Phillies had no issues capitalizing on Cliff Lee’s stellar performance. Thankfully, last night, AJ Burnett manned up and bounced back from his wretched ALCS start last week.

The most alarming part of the World Series thus far has been Jayson Werth’s facial hair. It’s creepy! For those of you unfamiliar with Werth (or shall we call him FurryWerth?) or may not have noticed the growth on his chin (though we can’t figure out how you’d miss it), we’ve enclosed a picture below:
What the hell is that? Earlier in the season, he at least manicured the lawn! Don’t get us wrong. It was still pretty gross, but it at least wasn’t frightening. Now he looks like a level 5. We’re afraid that it may have swallowed a few small children on their way to the game! Where is Mrs. Werth in all of this? She cannot possibly enjoy rubbing her face against that. If your wife can’t tell you when your facial hair has run amuck, who can? Gentlemen, this doesn’t just apply to Werth. It is vital that you groom yourselves on a regular basis.

With the series tied at one a piece, the Yankees head into the inner circle of Hell, a place where special traitors go to spend their days…oops, we meant Philadelphia. A wonderfully delightful city where children throw ice cubes at you and grown men pee on other people’s bumpers or call your hats ugly. We hope that the Yankees can handle, not the Phillies per say, but their unruly fans. For the likes of Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettitte, and Mariano Rivera, who are seasoned World Series veterans and accustomed to the rough New York attitude, the Phillies fans shouldn’t be too difficult to tune out. Newbies like Phil Hughes, Mark Teixeira, Robinson Cano, and Alex Rodriguez may become a bit rattled, though again, the rough New York attitude may have sufficiently prepared them. Of course, when it comes to infield pop flies, Alex Rodriguez must be mindful of not becoming distracted by the giant green furry display that is known as the Phillie Phanatic. For any of you Yankees fans heading down to enemy territory this weekend, be careful. Remember, if someone gets in your face and says your hat is ugly, we found that the following comeback worked wonders: “Well, your face ugly, but we didn’t complain.”

Even though Halloween festivities will be rampant on Saturday, don’t forget to tune into Game 3 of the World Series. Andy Pettitte will take the mound against Cole Hamels (who Lisa is frightened at her level of attraction for. Amazing what a Philly player in a suit will do to her…watch out TOWSNBN) on FOX at 7:57 pm. We are confident that if Andy can hold the Phillies’ down, the series can swing in the Yankees favor, especially with CC taking the ball in Game 4.

Onto this week’s baseball notes! The Astros announced that they’ve hired Brad Ziegler as their new manager. Just kidding! We meant Brad Mills. LOL. Oh, we just crack ourselves up. Previously, Mills served under Terry Francona as the Red Sox bench coach for six seasons. On Wednesday, the sale of the Chicago Cubs and other assets was completed. Sadly, TBB was unable to make an adequate offer. Apparently, we were outbid by the Ricketts family. Also on Wednesday, Chase Utley set the post season record by reaching base in 26 straight games. The record had been held by Baltimore’s Boog Powell. Mmmm…Boog’s Barbecue. Apologies. The thought of smoked BBQ always makes us digress. Prior to Yankees triumph in Game 2 over the Phillies, Derek Jeter received the 2009 Roberto Clemente Award from Commissioner, Bud Selig for his work with his Turn 2 Foundation. Congrats to Derek. Alyssa Milano must be so pleased. Props to Janney, who sent us those awesome Premio coupons. Let’s face it, the TBB are two girls that will definitely put those to good use.

Finally, we wish all of you a safe and fun HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
The Fresh Prince kicks off the weekend in Cititzen’s Bank Park with, “In West Philadelphia born and raised, in the playground is where the Yanks will spend most of their days. Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool and having catch outside of school when a couple of Phillies, they were up to no good! Starting making trouble in the neighborhood. CC got in one little fight and the Phillies ran scared!”

LET’S GO YANKEES!