The Goonies

For some reason, we decided to recast one our favorite childhood movies with baseball players. Since it seems to be a pattern to remake classic 80's films, why can't we? This is the kind of shit you can expect from us when there's no baseball.

The movie we decided to recast is The Goonies and if you haven't seen it, you're an a-hole. Where have you been living this entire time? Under a rock?

The new & improved cast:

Mikey: Justin Verlander looks like he could pass for Mikey post-puberty. Plus, he gives us nerd vibes. Invision Verlander standing in the dugout before a big game, rallying his teammates to the call of, "it's our time. It's our time down here. It's their time. Their time up there *insert inhaler puff*!"

Mouth: Bryce Harper. We felt that Harper would be a good fit for this role because he's a loud-mouthed ass-tard. And also a clown that asks a bunch of clown questions.

Data: Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki not only looks the part, but seems like he'd be really savvy with gadgets as well. Plus, he's small like Data. It's like he's Data grown up.

Brad: Alex Rodriguez. Okay, so he's not as sexy as Josh Brolin, but he sure works out a lot and certainly exhibits the typical "dumb jock" look. We think he'd look great in grey sweatpants with blue running shorts over them.

Steph: Jacob deGrom is long and lean like Steph. He also has luscious locks like a female. Granted, he has more hair than Steph, but perhaps this will allow him to bring more femininity to the role.

Andy: Justin Turner. Um, hello. He's a scary ginger. Just like Andy. Obviously he's meant to play this role.

Chunk: Pablo Sandoval. Pablo, like Chunk, is fat. Just picture Sandoval at third base doing the truffle shuffle. It is meant to be.

How do you think we did? Do you have any alternative options for these characters?

It's Been Awhile

So...it's the off season. For baseball and for us, clearly. Overall, it's been a pretty chaotic last few weeks for us. Besides that, we're not really sure you even noticed our absence. We fed you old garbage and you ate it up like hungry, hungry hippos. Also, no one signed our Jayson Werth petition, so nice job guys. How do you expect him to listen to us if you don't support us?

In all honesty, it's becoming increasingly challenging to find sh*t to write about during this time of year. Throw in our severe ADD and it's an all around sh*t show. Lisa arrived at Serena's house at 7:20 pm and it took us an hour to stop surfing the internet, looking up Vinylmation toys, and perusing our Disney Facebook photo album.

Since it's so difficult for us to find creative blog topics to write about during the November and December months (and sometimes January), we'd like your feedback. This means you actually need to respond. If you don't respond, this request defeats the purpose. The most interesting topics we receive (either via Blogger, email, Twatter, or Facebook) will be covered here on the blog. You'll also get credit for coming up with the idea and if we're feeling particularly generous, we will send you a prize. Probably something incredible like an autographed photo of Alyssa Milano...or us in action mode.

We leave you with this random photo to get you through your darkest hours:

How to Survive the Baseball Offseason

It's February, so you know that the blog topic pool is looking pretty bleak. Any day now you're getting a facial hair blog post. Be prepared. We decided to share with you a few ideas that have helped us cope with the lack of baseball and/or overall lack of baseball talent...in our home region. Including local beer leagues. Have you ever seen a local men's softball/baseball game? These men are usually stupid, fat, hairy, and clothed in sweatpants. Dirty sweatpants with elastic around the ankles. Let's be serious. These men are hardly considered athletes. They're not even has-been's because you would've had to have been something important in order to be considered a has-been.

SOOO...how to survive the baseball offseason if you're not a legit baseball player. Cos' if you're a legit baseball player seeking advice from the two a-holes that write this blog, you've got some serious problems. You should be in the gym preparing for the upcoming season. And possibly medicated.

1. Take a roadtrip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. It's like having the baseball season...only better. It's an entire building filled with legitimate athletes that actually gave two sh*ts about the sport. Unfortunately, you might leave the place feeling bitter. You know. Cos' players now only care about money and dating models.
2. Hold a movie marathon! An entire day filled with your favorite movies about baseball and baseball game-themed food. It's virtually impossible to f*ck this up. Unless you have no friends. But even then, it's hard to f*ck this up. 90% of baseball movies are pretty amazing. And so are hot dogs. One package of hot dogs is probably cheaper than buying a hot dog at the stadium.
3. Watch "classic" games on your local sports' network. Relive the finer moments from your franchise's history. You know...back when players weren't on steroids? Plus, the games your franchise has decided to label a "classic" are usually the games in which your team wins. Guaranteed happy ending.
4. Watch a biography on an old timer. You'll probably learn something about the sport that you never knew before and trust us when we say that history can be cool. We would've recommended reading a biography, but we're not sure that your reading level is higher than Dr. Suess.
5. Play baseball video games. Whatever it is you nerds play on your Sega Genesis or whatever system you crazy kids are on now. Nintendo 64? Does that sound right?
6. Go down to your local baseball field or batting cage. Imagine you are your baseball hero. Imitate their batting stance, their swing, the manner in which they patrol the field...unless your hero is David Ortiz, in which case, just go eat a cheeseburger because he can't bend over to pick up a ground ball, much less patrol a field. Really embody that player.
7. Follow @mattharvey33 on Instagram as he takes random, EPIC trips around the world. Think about how amazing it is that he's able to spend time in these far away lands. Then curse the fact that he brought his skinny b*tch girlfriend along with him for the ride.
8. Read the Traveling Baseball Babes. Tell everyone about it. Make it your own personal goal to pass it on to 10 of your friends. Get them hooked on it like crack cocaine. Unfortunately, we won't be writing about baseball for very long. We're running out of steam. We're tired and Opening Day seems so far away  right now.
9. Learn to crochet. Crochet a hat in your team's colors. Wear said hat to Opening Day...even if it's 90 degrees outside.
10. Build a field in your backyard. Rumor has it that if you build it, they will come.