Celebrate Good Times…and Mean it

Last week’s poll told us that our readers are selfish d*cks. Here’s why: apparently no one had in their possession that kick-a$$ “Use The Force for Good” t-shirt, but here’s the worst part. 2 of you decided that even if you DID have it, you wouldn’t give Serena the shirt. Who does that? Who even admits that? What if she smiled at you? Is that enough of an exchange? 2 of you are just plain boring and don’t have the shirt. You’re just a bunch of useless individuals. That’s the conclusion we’ve come up with. We give you priceless literature and infinite humor and memories and in return, we get nothing from you. You don’t even post comments on our blogs!

Enough with the insults. We have exciting news for you! The TBB are going to their first playoff game together! Hooray for you! We know how much you love our game-time pictures! We’re going to Game 1 of the ALDS at Yankees Stadium on Friday! Unfortunately, we won’t be able to post a blog about it until after Sunday because Serena will be working for the Long Island Walk Now for Autism Speaks all weekend. Don’t worry. You’ll still get a weekly post from us, but it will be done by just Lisa.

Speaking of the Division Series, we’re pretty much wrapped up in terms of teams that have clinched. In both leagues, the only spots pending are the Wild Card teams. Just a quick rundown in terms of who we’re above and beyond sure is going to get their a$$es kicked: the Diamondbacks. Every other team has got a fairly decent chance at advancing to the Championship Series. Allow us to explain. The Phillies and Brewers are both very strong teams. Let’s say the Braves take the Wild Card. Since the Phillies have the best record, they’re supposed to be matched up against the team with the worst record, which would be the Braves. The Phillies can’t play the Braves because they’re in the same division, which leaves the Diamondbacks. There is no way in hell that the Diamondbacks are winning that matchup. If the Cardinals take the Wild Card, the Phillies will play them and leave the Diamondbacks to the Brewers. We repeat, there is no way in hell the Diamondbacks are winning that matchup. Dear Arizona, Good luck experiencing your future sweep. Embrace your Cardinals now. PS – your players are the world’s most boring partiers we’ve ever seen. The TBB party harder than that and we’re not rich pansy athletes who’ve just clinched a title. People masturbate with more enthusiasm than the way the Diamondbacks shook their champagne bottles. It was sad. This is what victory looks like (and we weren’t even playing):



Photo taken immediately following a New York Giants victory over the New England Patriots during the 2008 Superbowl

On Monday night, we chowed down on sweet potato fries and amazing 20 cent wings at Croxley’s Ale House while watching the Giants/Rams game. Our feeding frenzy was briefly interrupted (and very much interrupted by our very own Long Island-based Wolf Pack) by the breaking news that Mariano Rivera surpassed Trevor Hoffman for the all-time save record. Congrats to him. Go on, Mo. You can TBB Super Hero of the Week again. Also while watching Monday Night Football, there was one jack ass that apparently was so invested in the MLB that the bartender was forced to waste one television on the Braves/Marlins game. Just wasteful. Pal, we live in New York and the Giants were the MNF game. Let’s get our priorities in order here. Even when the Giants are terrible, we still watch them over an Atlanta/Florida baseball game.

Last but not least, this video is literally one of the funniest things we've ever seen. Jayson Werth, in an attempt to help Teddy win the Presidents' Race (because he never wins), enlisted the Nationals' bullpen to thwart the other Presidents. Werth ended up winning the race. This sh*t was 100 times better than the Diamondbacks celebrating their title.   

When Irene is a Rockin,’ Don’t Bother Knockin’

According to last week’s poll, no one wants us to change our blog name because you’re all fans of the status quo. That’s good because we’re also pretty lazy and weren’t looking forward to changing the web address, email address, and business cards. Hooray for the status quo!

Us East-coasters got the brunt of Hurricane Irene last night. Some people felt her wrath worse than others. Serena thinks everyone made a big hullabaloo for nothing. She’s got a bunch of tree branches scattered all over the property while the Rite Aid next door to Lisa lost its fence. Lisa still managed to attend a baby shower yesterday. Folks living near fallen trees are without power. For safety purposes, we’ve decided to blog via email and cell phones instead of sitting together in Serena’s living room while watching the Yankees/Orioles doubleheader.

Irene postponed yesterdays Yankees/Orioles game, Mets/Braves game, and the Jets/Giants pre-season matchup (and by extension our beer and wings night at Croxley’s Ale House). In preparation of Irene, the MLB also canceled today’s Mets/Braves game…yesterday. Better safe than sorry, we suppose. Serena was relegated to watching season 4 of Rescue Me on Netflix because of all these postponements.

Justin Verlander earned his 20^th victory, which brought a smile to Serena’s face. Tigers Love Pepper and they also love Verlander.

Another fun fact from this weekend: Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have called it quits. Under no circumstances should Mamadukes be notified of this. Serena does not want to date Derek Jeter. Thanks to some stupid television special, Lisa likes Jeter now too. It’s awful. We might as well give Lisa a t-shirt that says, “I <3 Golden Boys.” It’s becoming a very Jeterific nightmare here. Serena might run away to live in the Verlander household. It’s safer there. There’s no talk of Jeter or TOWSNBN or that Serena’s just not trying hard enough to date a Yankee.

Finally, on August 25^th, the Yankees set a grand slam record, being the first team to ever hit 3 grand slams in one game. Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Russell Martin all went deep in the Yanks’ 22-9 victory over the A’s. It’s no surprise that of all the teams to do this, it was the Yankees. AJ Burnett might give up 12 runs, but the good news is that the Yankees can fix all that up with 3 grand slams! Yay!

Dexy’s Midnight Runners closes things out today with: “Come on, Irene, oh, we swear that you’re mean.  At this moment, you’ve ruined everything! With you, NY’s a mess, our games’ got postponed. Verge of boredom. Ah, go home, Irene!

(Just an FYI: We had no idea how filthy this song was until we Googled the lyrics. We feel soiled having read them).