2012 Stadium Tour Planning

With the added Wild Card round going into effect this season, we asked if the new round would be good for baseball. 4 of you actually think that yes, it will be because “it’ll give the Pirates a chance to finally make the playoffs.” We disagree with you, which doesn’t really shock us. It seems that we’re never on the same page as you. And are you kidding us right now? The Pirates have an idiot for a starting pitcher who bunted his eye out. There’s no way they’re winning anything this year. 2 of you agree that “it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Our 2012 stadium tour trips are officially booked with the exception of a few slight details. Tickets have been purchased for the May 26^th Braves/Nationals game at Turner Field, July 27^th Blue Jays/Tigers game at Rogers Centre, and August 31^st Nationals/Cardinals game at Nationals Ballpark. Airfare has been booked for Toronto, but not Atlanta and at this time, we have no place to stay while in Toronto. Which might be awkward, but hopefully this problem is solved shortly. When we head down south to see the Braves, we’ll be staying with Lisa’s family and when we drive down to DC, we’ll be stealing Chris #1’s mustang convertible and re-enacting Aerosmith’s Crazy video. Can you guess which one of us is Liv Tyler and which one of us is Alicia Silverstone? Go on. Guess.

On the local front, Serena will be attending Yankees Opening Day courtesy of Mamadukes as part of her birthday celebration and Lisa will be attending Mets Opening Day with Bad Luck Laurie. Just like in past years, we’ll be reporting on these games separately in addition to our joint weekly blog. Lastly, while we haven’t picked which Mets game we’ll be going to (most likely with Auntiedukes as we promised her a visit to Citi Field), we’ll be attending the May 19^th Yankees game against the Reds. You might be wondering why we chose the Reds game. Usually, we pick the Twins (Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer), the A’s (to make fun of certain players), or the Red Sox (when we’re in the mood to be miserable). Trust us when we say that there was a method to the madness with this one. It started off with Serena checking the promotional schedule. May 19^th is Cap Day. Serena also noticed on her calendar that May 19^th is Armed Forces Day. This naturally got her thinking. They’ll be sexy men in uniform at this game. Even better, the caps will probably be army-themed. She always wanted a Yankees army-camo hat. This highly intelligent way of strategizing was all she needed to convince Lisa to join her on her quest. Lisa had no idea who the opponent was. The fact that Joey Votto is the Reds’ first baseman is just a bonus for her.

Additional news about the 2012 season is that Tigers Love Pepper is back in action. You’re thrilled, we can tell. Lisa is that’s for sure. Another season of Serena sending Lisa random, panicked texts about needing her to login to Serena’s Yahoo account to update her pitching staff while she’s at work...or at Target. Another season of Serena complaining about pitchers not going deep into games and batters not putting up quality offensive stats…none of these players actually playing for the Yankees. Another season of Serena dominating entire conversations discussing a team that doesn’t actually exist…kind of like The Avengers or The Justice League. Yup. Lisa’s thrilled.

Sorry that there are no baseball notes to report on this week. There was literally nothing that we found interesting. However, what may interest you is the fact that we’ll be going to Atlantic City for two nights this week with Jess to celebrate Serena’s birthday. There’ll be suits, cigars, scotch, other assorted booze-related items, gambling, and hopefully, lots of guido fist pumping. The guido fist pumping is more for Lisa. Serena’s hoping that they find a laser tag place that’s open late so that we can play drunk and suited-up laser tag, truly channeling the great Barney Stinson. This compels us to remind you (and most importantly, us) of the few tidbits we learned during our first visit to Foxwoods because as we all know, Lisa is bound to gamble our gas money away on a Village People slot machine.

“On the road again. We can’t wait to get on the road again. The life we love is traveling to baseball stadiums with each other.

Tis’ the Season

Being that the holidays are upon us, we asked what you’d like for Christmas (or Hanukkah). 11 of you sounded off. 5 extremely intelligent people would like find the TBB Christmas Album in their stocking this year. We don’t blame you. It’s pretty epic. The symphony of our voices alone is enough to make you weep. We pretty much rival Josh Groban. Nevermind the powerful, poetic lyrics. Those’ll kill you. No one voted for management, money, hair (really? none of you are bald and wishing for a luscious full head of hair that can be compared to Tim Lincecum’s), alcohol (sorry, the lack of enthusiasm for this option is just flabbergasting), $1 hot dogs (don’t blame you on this one), and a prosthetic limb. 2 people voted for offense and 1 voted for sex, which could technically be interpreted as the same thing if your minds are as dirty as ours are. Regardless, we support both of these options! We’re glad you have your priorities on track. Lastly, each of these options earned 1 vote apiece: a Red Ryder BB gun, pitching, and Malibu Barbie. Only 1 of you wants pitching this year??? In the severe pitching drought that baseball community is suffering from this offseason, we were sure that more of you would be clamoring for some hot shot pitcher to bolster your rotation. Well, except for Cliff Lee since he’s so confident that the pitching staff he is a part of is destined to be “legen…wait for it…dary.”

Outfielder Jason Kubel and the Arizona Diamondbacks have agreed on a 2-year deal worth $15 million. So it really does seem that Twins have no plans to retain anyone. What the hell is going on over there in the Midwest? Kubel saved Serena’s butt late in the fantasy season when she picked him up for Tigers Love Pepper because Nick Swisher was doing nothing but taking large dumps at the plate. We could only assume that Kubel will do for the Diamondbacks what he did for Tigers Love Pepper.

The Mets have finally done something. On Monday, the Mets signed reliever Frank Francisco (really, Mr. and Mrs. Francisco? What are you? A pair of a-holes? You couldn’t give the man a better first name to compliment Francisco?) to a 2-year deal reportedly worth $12 million. In 2011, Francisco went 1-4 with 17 saves and a 3.55 ERA in 54 games with the Blue Jays.

The MLB has released this year’s candidates for the 2012 Hall of Fame ballot. ESPN.com’s Jim Caple has voiced displeasure at the underwhelming choice of candidates, but there is one bright spot in the list…at least for Serena. Bernie Williams!!! Of the ballot’s first-timers that are under consideration, Caple predicts that Bernie is the only player that will earn the 5% necessary to qualify him for the 2013 ballot. Here’s what Caple had to say about Bernie:

“Finally, we get someone who merits serious Cooperstown consideration. Williams was a four-time Gold Glove-winning center fielder on the Yankees' four World Series champions, batted .297 with a .381 on-base percentage for his career, hit .300 eight times, won a batting title, scored 1,366 runs, drove in 1,257 more and appeared in October prime time more often than promos for the Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" while driving in a record 80 postseason runs. He'll probably finish just shy for me, but I'll continue to consider him based just on his great "Seinfeld'' appearance, when he asked George, then the Yankees' assistant traveling secretary, ‘Are you the one who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?’”

Other first-timers are Jeromy Burnitz (who shouldn’t be allowed into the Hall of Fame simply because his parents were a-holes who apparently didn’t know how to spell the name Jeremy), Vinny Castilla, Brian Jordan, Javy Lopez (who’d be a sexy, sexy addition to the Hall of Fame…DAMN), Bill Mueller, Terry Mulholland, Phil Nevin, Brad Radke, Tim Salmon, Ruben Sierra, Tony Womack, and Eric Young.

We hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday! Drink up, eat cookies, and don’t punch any annoying relatives. We don’t care how badly you may want to

Operation Hot Brother

Derek Jeter and Minka are still broken up. Lisa thought it would be funny if we asked your thoughts on the subject of Serena marrying Jeter. Serena agreed to this poll under protest. This is the first time in a long time that each option had at least one vote AND the poll garnered more than 4 votes total. Either this poll was extremely popular or Serena is an excellent campaigner because we had 12 people leave feedback this week! 5 individuals agreed with Serena and voted, “Ew, gross. No. He’s such a giant pansy. Serena needs a man that can grow quality facial hair.” It’s true. She does. There was a tie between, “Yes, but only because he’s rich” and “Yeah, ok. It’s time to join Planet Earth. In what parallel universe would Serena land a dude like Jeter,” each option earning 3 votes. 1 person is sick (it is probably Lisa, who keeps denying that she voted) and chose, “Yes. Me thinks thou protest too much. You probably reallllllly like him!”

Sorry it took us so long to post today. We spent most of this day in the midst of Operation Hot Brother (the details of which cannot be discussed at this time). Needless to say, our day started at 12:00 and we’ve only begun the meat of this post at 8:30.

Speaking of Operation Hot Family Members, we participated in Operation Hot Mother on Friday night (please be aware that this has absolutely nothing to do with any relatives of ours because that would be creepy). This ass clown at the bar switched which television broadcasted the Yankees and Mets games. We had gotten there first and instructed George the Bartender to put the Mets on the television to the left because Lisa was sitting to the left and the Yankees on the television to the right because Serena was sitting to the right. This bald jack-a-loon in a plaid shirt sat down and made George switch televisions. Naturally, Serena yelled at George. George wanted to keep the peace so he asked Serena to “handle it,” which she was happy to do…because she likes picking fights after drinking a few beers apparently.

So Serena walked over to Mr. Bald Paul Bunyan and asked him, “Dude, WTF?” In order to agree to switch back the televisions, Mr. Bald Paul Bunyan quizzed Serena on her Yankees knowledge. It went something like this:

Bald Paul Bunyan: What is the Yankees pitching rotation?

(Keep in mind Serena had been drinking for quite some time at this point)

Serena: An a-hole, CC, Orson the Pig, Champagne Supernova, Phil Hughes, and some other guy

Bald Paul Bunyan: Uhhh…

Serena: What? That’s it, right? I got it right.

Bald Paul Bunyan: A-hole?

Serena: *disgusted groan and roll of the eyes* Yeah, AJ Burnett? Duh?

Bald Paul Bunyan: Who are the Yankees’ catchers?”

Serena: Cervelli and Martin?

Bald Paul Bunyan: Wow. That’s pretty good. Okay, I got a good one…

Serena: Is it about Derek Jeter? Because show me some f*cking respect.

Bald Paul Bunyan: What? No…

Serena: Cos’ he’s not even on my fantasy baseball team.

Bald Paul Bunyan: Uh, ok…

Serena: Well??? Let’s go!

Bald Paul Bunyan: Okay, who won the Home Run Derby?

Serena: Are you f*cking kidding me?

Bald Paul Bunyan: What?

Serena: Cano. And his daddy pitched to him.

Bald Paul Bunyan: Okay. I’ll ask him to change it.

Lesson learned? Don’t f with Serena when it comes to booze and the Yankees. Oh, and by the way? Lisa would’ve been able to answer all of these questions too and she’s a friggin’ Mets fan. Bald, plaid-wearing a-hole.

Prior to blogging, we ate lunch at Friday’s. Lisa surfed MLB.com via her craptastic BlackBerry that she will soon be trading in to see if there was anything newsworthy for us to cover today. The conversation went as follows:

Lisa: Oh, CC got his 19^th win

Serena (as she hungrily stuffed a mozzarella stick in her mouth like a velociraptor): So?

Lisa: He’s on your team.

Serena: No, he’s not. Justin Verlander got his 19^th win already, so there.

Lisa (confused): Justin Verlander does not play for your team.

Serena: Yes, he does.

…(Lisa stares skeptically at Serena from across the table)…

Lisa: Tigers Love Pepper is not a real team. I was talking about the Yankees.

Serena: *insert blank stare*

Joe Girardi silenced buzz recently by announcing that the Yankees’ pitching rotation wouldn’t be changing any time soon, which we strongly disagree with. It should change. It should not include a certain blonde someone with tattoos and dinosaur drawings hanging in his locker. We’re not gonna name names, but it sounds like “BJ Aurnett.” No pun intended.

Remember Johan Santana? Yes! He’s still alive! Contrary to popular belief. The left-hander threw 2 innings in a rehab start yesterday afternoon. He allowed 1 run on 3 hits and struck out 2. He is supposedly scheduled to pitch another 3 innings of rehab on Friday. At this rate, the Mets can expect him to return in time for next year’s All Star Break. Sweet goodness.

In the words of The Police, “Don’t change, don’t change, don’t change the channel on me.”

When Irene is a Rockin,’ Don’t Bother Knockin’

According to last week’s poll, no one wants us to change our blog name because you’re all fans of the status quo. That’s good because we’re also pretty lazy and weren’t looking forward to changing the web address, email address, and business cards. Hooray for the status quo!

Us East-coasters got the brunt of Hurricane Irene last night. Some people felt her wrath worse than others. Serena thinks everyone made a big hullabaloo for nothing. She’s got a bunch of tree branches scattered all over the property while the Rite Aid next door to Lisa lost its fence. Lisa still managed to attend a baby shower yesterday. Folks living near fallen trees are without power. For safety purposes, we’ve decided to blog via email and cell phones instead of sitting together in Serena’s living room while watching the Yankees/Orioles doubleheader.

Irene postponed yesterdays Yankees/Orioles game, Mets/Braves game, and the Jets/Giants pre-season matchup (and by extension our beer and wings night at Croxley’s Ale House). In preparation of Irene, the MLB also canceled today’s Mets/Braves game…yesterday. Better safe than sorry, we suppose. Serena was relegated to watching season 4 of Rescue Me on Netflix because of all these postponements.

Justin Verlander earned his 20^th victory, which brought a smile to Serena’s face. Tigers Love Pepper and they also love Verlander.

Another fun fact from this weekend: Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have called it quits. Under no circumstances should Mamadukes be notified of this. Serena does not want to date Derek Jeter. Thanks to some stupid television special, Lisa likes Jeter now too. It’s awful. We might as well give Lisa a t-shirt that says, “I <3 Golden Boys.” It’s becoming a very Jeterific nightmare here. Serena might run away to live in the Verlander household. It’s safer there. There’s no talk of Jeter or TOWSNBN or that Serena’s just not trying hard enough to date a Yankee.

Finally, on August 25^th, the Yankees set a grand slam record, being the first team to ever hit 3 grand slams in one game. Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano, and Russell Martin all went deep in the Yanks’ 22-9 victory over the A’s. It’s no surprise that of all the teams to do this, it was the Yankees. AJ Burnett might give up 12 runs, but the good news is that the Yankees can fix all that up with 3 grand slams! Yay!

Dexy’s Midnight Runners closes things out today with: “Come on, Irene, oh, we swear that you’re mean.  At this moment, you’ve ruined everything! With you, NY’s a mess, our games’ got postponed. Verge of boredom. Ah, go home, Irene!

(Just an FYI: We had no idea how filthy this song was until we Googled the lyrics. We feel soiled having read them).  

The Bloggers Formerly Known As The Traveling Baseball Babes

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day has come and gone. We hope you’ve all enjoyed it as much as we did. Begin the countdown til’ next year. We asked if you thought the day should become a nationally celebrated bank holiday. Only 4 people voted, but the worst part about the vote is that 3 of you actually voted for “Seriously. You get dumber each week you blog.” Only 1 individual chose, “You mean it’s not? I automatically don’t show up to work that day and since today is Sunday, I had planned on not going to the office tomorrow.” We’re pretty sure that Deo is the 1 individual. Let us tell you something, oh ass clown followers. If we get dumber each week, you become bigger a-holes. Suck on that.

During our recent trip to Colorado, we realized that perhaps calling ourselves the “Traveling Baseball Babes” was a little…how can we say it? Okay, it was a lie. A bold faced lie. We’re not babes. We don’t look like babes, we don’t act like babes. Honestly, the word “babes” was probably only chosen because it sounded good following the word, “baseball.” Even the word “baseball” has a loose connotation in this blog. Look at the stupid crap we have blogged about in the name of baseball. The letters we’ve written alone are enough to make most passionate baseball fans irate (“and these bitches call themselves baseball fans???”).

Because of this, we’re contemplating a name change. Famous people change their names all the time. John Mellencamp  or John Cougar or whatever he’s calling himself these days, Prince or the Artist Formerly Known As or some weird ass symbol, Sean Puffy Combs or PDiddy or Puff Daddy, The Rock or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or simply Dwayne Johnson (really, dude? You’re The f’n Rock. Cut the crap). We’ve come up with the following choices (all with legit reasons):

1.  Traveling San Francisco Giants Fanatics - Let’s face it. We have a larger following in the Bay Area than we do in our own state and we manage to follow the Giants around the country without really trying to. Why bother rooting for the Yankees and Mets anymore? We might as well just make it a point to follow the Giants.

2. Traveling Tim Lincecum Ladies – We’ve retired his number, made him an Honorary TBB, and have created a fake holiday in his name. At this point, it’s the blog has become his. And we’ve become creepy. Also, we have somehow managed to see Tim Lincecum pitch more than Yankees or Mets pitcher. That is INSANE! The man doesn’t even play for our teams!! How is it that the tickets we buy that far in advance always end up with Tim Lincecum pitching? It’s like the stars are aligned.

3. Traveling Pastry Thieves – We’re not going to go into detail, but let’s just say that we may have walked out of an imitation-Panera with a coffee cake that we didn’t pay for.

4. Traveling Beer Belly Babes – C’mon. How many breweries did we visit during our most recent stadium trips? It’s a little disturbing. It makes a person wonder if we should just quit the baseball scene and stick to beer. No one will expect our bodies to be in shape (unless you count “round” a shape) if all we do is talk about beer. Other options for this title are Traveling Beer Babes and Traveling Booze Babes.

5. Traveling BBQ Babes – Granted, still sticking with the “babe” word, but we feel that combining “babe” with “BBQ” is more sarcastic than complimentary. Or we could be the Traveling BBQ Beasts.

6. Traveling Hair Hunters – Between Facial Hair blogs and letters to Barry Zito about his offensive porn stache, it’s quite clear that we pay more attention to players’ facial hair than we do to their athleticism…okay, that’s not entirely true, but we DO spend an awful lot of time talking about men’s hair. It’s weird.

Actual baseball-related fact:

Alex Rodriguez returned to the Yankees and Tigers Love Pepper lineups today. Chipper Jones is now a utility player on the Tigers Love Pepper lineup instead of the starting third baseman. Any lineup that has Chipper Jones as the “utility” player is a pretty decent lineup. Maybe Serena’s fantasy lineup will now proceed with the ass kicking as opposed to her pitching staff doing all of the heavy lifting. Take a moment to thank the Verlanders for birthing a man like Justin (who, speaking of Hair Hunters, probably has a beard grooming kit because goatee is kept in the name of perfection).

“Queens of baseball, not so much. We eat dinner at 6. Wear your stilettos. We thought we were covering baseball, but now we see that we don’t. A change could do us good. A change would do us good.”

Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena