Passing Time Between Baseball Seasons

Last week, Lisa provided you with comprehensive evidence as to why TOWSNBN should just pony up, be a man, and give her some TLC. Based on the poll results, we've figured that you don't really hate us at all. All 5 of you said that he should meet Lisa ("GOD! What's his problem?"). No one selected, "No, I think it's time for Lisa to be committed." This was very supportive of you. It boosted her self esteem by a whopping 1%. What's clear to us now is that you actually hate Serena. That is why when we're together and offer you a poll about how amazing we are, you continue to select the options that hurt our feelings. It's a good thing that Serena is a professional drinker or else she'd have nothing to drown her sadness in. So f*ck you, b*tches!

Behold...the offseason. The awards have been given out. The champagne drunk. People of importance have woken up in beds next to strange people by mistake. And as usual, we were not invited to any of the parties. In all honesty, we're starting to think our most frequently attended sports bars are starting to bemoan our presence. In one bar's defense, we DID inappropriately sniff one of the owners, which could be considered strange by some people. It wasn't our fault though. He smelled really good and the cologne was wafting across the bar at us, slithering toward us like a tantalizing and hypnotic cheesey gordita crunch (no baja sauce for Serena because she thinks it's creepy). It couldn't be helped. We're suckers for good cologne.

How to pass the time until pitchers and catchers report in February? We will share with you how we keep ourselves most occupied (most occupied, indeed).

1. Football. Football gives us an opportunity to eat an entire day/evening and an excuse to eat wings and drink too much on Monday and Thursday nights. We understand that we drink too much on most nights, but it's more healthy to have something to blame your drinking on. It means you're not alcoholic. You're a social drinker. People love social drinkers because they're so much fun. It's not YOUR fault that the NFL scheduled a game for EVERY Monday. You weren't involve with the scheduling.  Now they've got games on Thursdays too. The NFL is practically begging you to be an alcoholic.
2. Talk about all of the different runs you're going to register for this year in an effort to lead a healthier lifestyle and score free goodie bags. Thankfully, these runs really don't start April, so there's no reason for you to start training yet. You've got plenty of time to continue to be fat and lazy.
3. Holiday fun stuff. Each year, we go into the City to enjoy all of its beautiful holiday greatness: ice cream sundaes at Serendipity 3, ice skating at Wolman Rink, the tree at Rockefeller Center, and behave like a-holes at FAO Schwartz. Good times.
4. Gambling keeps you warm at night. Every year we travel to Foxwoods to meet our friend, Maria for boozing and gambling. Oftentimes, Lisa gambles away our gas money. When we can't get away, Serena pulls out her poker table top and we have card night with Brother and his friends...because it seems as if Brother's friends are the only male beings that want to spend any time with us.
5. Continue checking the ESPN Free Agent Tracker for updates regarding key players.
6. Plan the 2013 Stadium Tour. Arizona/Texas, here we come! Yee-haw!  
7. Spend an inordinate amount of time in Serena's bed watching television. Sometimes we talk about how we're going to start getting back into shape and dieting..."soon."
8. Plan next year's Halloween costume. Velma and Daphne will be tough to top, but we ARE borderline professionals.
9. Discuss who we will take with us to Disney in December, if anyone, seeing as how we won Disney park hopper passes for best Halloween costume...at least that's the rumor Mama Leone keeps spreading.
10. Spend Danny's money. He seems so eager to give it away. He's not really funny and he's a Ginger, so he likes to spend a lot of time with us because we're so funny and non-Ginger like.

Baseball notes:
Giants' Buster Posey and Tigers' Miguel Cabrera earned NL and AL MVP Awards this week. Cabrera beat Angels' Mike Trout to become the first player in 45 years to win the Triple Crown Award. Cy Young Awards were won by RA Dickey and David Price. Bryce Harper and Mike Trout won League Toddler of the Year Awards (there's a f*cking surprise...did either man even have competition in this contest?).

The Blue Jays have been busy little birds this offseason. The Jays kicked off the week by announcing that they completed a deal with the Marlins that included 12 players. Mark Buerhle, Jose Reyes, and Josh Johnson were among the players dealt to the Jays. In addition, there seems to be a deal in the works for Melky Cabrera. The 2-year contract would pay Cabrera $16 million to hopefully not take performance enhancing drugs.

Elsewhere, Torii Hunter signed a 2-year contract with the Tigers worth $26 million. New York free agents still up for grabs are as follows: Hiroki Kiroda, Nick Swisher, Mariano Rivera, Rafael Soriano, Ichiro Suzuki, Russell Martin, Tim Byrdak, Ronny Cedeno, Eric Chavez, Pedro Feliciano, Freddy Garcia, Scott Hairston, Raul Ibanez, Andruw Jones, Derek Lowe, Andy Pettitte, Ramon Ramirez, Jon Rauch, and Kelly Shoppach.

133 days until Opening Day, people. After much consideration, we've decided that we will be escorting each other to our respective teams' opening days rather than run around begging people to go with us when they really don't want to...and then not getting our way when we get to the game. Be prepared for some pre-game festivities that may or may not include video feed. You're so excited. We know.

Everyone enjoy your Turkey Day and Black Friday experiences. We're hoping to pick up Josh Hamilton for relatively cheap.

Our Dearest Timmy

We discussed our own version of a New York Old Timer’s Team last week. It’s quite clear that we’d have the most legendary nursing home ever to grace the planet Earth. And we’d be the nurses in charge, meaning we wouldn’t have to change any bed pans. In the spirit of that blog post, we asked if you’d be down for an Old Timer’s Day if your team doesn’t already have one. Surprisingly, no one voted for, “I hate old people. Senior citizens belong in the nursing home.” We’re shocked because you guys tend to vote for the a-hole choices and that was definitely the a-hole choice available to you. 4 of you chose, “Yes! It’s bad ass and they’d probably give me a better game than the young pricks I watch now.” This is most definitely true. Listening to Paul O’Neil run around the field with a mic on was infinitely more entertaining than watching Alex Rodriguez do nothing at the plate and continue to frustrate Serena’s fantasy offense numbers. Selfish penal implant that he is. There are fantasy team owners counting on him! Doesn’t he care???


Onto more important matters. What is the malfunction with Tim Lincecum these days? He has a win-loss record of 3-10 and his ERA is 6.42! WTF? Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, AJ F*CKING Burnett has a record of 10-2 and his ERA is 3.68. It’s like Hell has frozen over and any day now, we’re going to see pigs flying. There’s only one thing that can be done to right this Titanic of a situation and that is to write a letter. It’s come to our attention that our letters may quite possibly have magical powers.  Observe: Daniel Murphy had a f*cked up moustache and was suffering from a major slump at the plate. We wrote a letter. The offensive stache is gone and now Murphy’s hitting again. AJ Burnett was a giant asstastic f*ck up in Pinstripes, but following two break-up letters from us and a departure for Pittsburgh, he has managed to reach the All Star Break with a better record than a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher (our favorite Cy Young Award-winning pitcher). Clearly what Timmy is in need of is a letter written to him by his #1 fans and best friends in the whole wide world: us. Who are we to deny him this necessity?

Our Dearest Gum Drop Timmy,

What up, mother f*ckaaaaa! Whatcha been up to? How’s it hanging? How’s mom doing? Dad? The dog? Still recovering from St. Patty’s? That was a sick night, bitch. Murphy really f*cked up by going to spring training instead. He missed a happening good time. *Cyber High-Five*

We’re doing okay. We did some beach yoga yesterday. You would’ve loved it. You could’ve gone swimming with Serena afterwards because, as you know, Lisa doesn’t swim. She would’ve waved to you from the shoreline and called for help if you were attacked by a shark…unfortunately, Serena would’ve left you splashing in a frothy pool of your own blood. She loves sharks, but she’s not stupid. Survival of the fittest and all that. But don’t worry. Lisa TOTALLY would’ve dialed 911.

ANYWAY, the real reason for our letter. It seems to us that you’re feeling a bit down. Do you have a very bad illness that you’ve decided not to tell us about? We can handle it, ya know. We want to be there for you. Are you depressed? Are you going through a severe break up? This would be slightly alarming to us seeing as how you’ve never mentioned a girlfriend, but we’d still be there for you to get you through this tough time. The reason why we’re pestering you with all of these probing questions is that we’ve been noticing that you’re pitching…well…how do we say this without hurting your feelings? You’ve been pitching like an a-hole. A real hairy a-hole. We just checked your stats and a very detailed chart on ESPN.com informed us that you have an 18.90 ERA against the Washington Nationals. In fact, your ERA from this afternoon’s game is 16.20. How the F*CK does someone manage that? How is this even mathematically possible? How bad of a game do you have to throw in order for this to be your legitimate stat? Lisa can throw a more effective game than that and she makes the equivalent to the cost of a hot dog compared to you. Seriously. She’s also never played baseball before. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Obviously, something is going on here and it’s deeper than just messed up mechanics because in the three games that you DID win, you were the dominant Timmy of old! It’s clear that no one cares about you like we do because no one has done anything to fix this. Is Barry Zito too busy working on his comb over or conjuring up some other fashion disaster to spend a little time with you to get your head straight? Thank GOD you have us in your life. Where would you be without us? We hate to do this to you, but we have no choice to put you on a strict regiment to get you back on track. We don’t like acting like dictators, but you’ve really put us in a bad spot here. Going forward, your week will look like this:

Monday:

·   Smoke weed.

·   10 cents wings and $4 draft beer at an ale house of your choosing (we understand that it may not be physically possible for you to travel to New York every week to hang out with us at Croxley’s). Bonus points for finding an ale house that serves cheaper wings and draft beer. That gets you a *Cyber High-Five*

·   Fall asleep in starfish pose in the middle of your living room wearing nothing but your underwear.

Tuesday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a zumba or belly dancing class.

·  Taco Bell. Order and eat a minimum of $15 worth.

·  Release your inner pirate. Wear an eye patch while sipping on Captain Morgan.

Wednesday:

·    Smoke weed.

·   Participate in a session of a yoga type of your choosing.

·   Eat a bag of Oreos.

·   Watch a How I Met Your Mother marathon.

·   Contemplate the Cecilia Venn Diagram. In your case, it’s probably more like the Barry Zito Venn Diagram.

·   Enjoy a cigar and a glass of scotch for your hard work today.

Thursday:

·    Smoke weed.

·    Beer pong.

·    Practice your inversions in the middle of the freeway. If you can dodge a car, you can dodge a ball. More importantly, if you can find inner peace upside down in a sea of fast-moving vehicles, than you are on the path to enlightenment…or some sh*t like that.

·    Over-order Domino’s Pizza online and only eat half of it because you’re full. Just remember to order before 2 am because they close.

Friday:

·   Smoke weed, immediately followed by a shot of Jameson.

·   Run through town in your boxer shorts, screaming your head off that you’re being chased by zombies. This is your cardio. Embrace it.

·   Eat a Twinkie.

·   Prank call Barry Zito several times from different phone numbers. If you can accomplish 6 prank calls without him realizing it’s you, you’re still on the path to enlightenment. We recommend that you start off with, “Tom Selleck called. He wants his moustache back.”

Saturday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  Attend a cardio-kickboxing class with the Fit Fem.

·  Find out who that lady is who had been escorted onto the field following Matt Cain’s perfect game. Text the TBB the answer.

·  Eat spicy noodles or Pad Thai with a side of Thai fried rice.

·  Since you’ll feel slightly dehydrated, make yourself a margarita (only use Patron or else you’ll get a headache and all of your training will be for nothing), wear a sombrero, and stick a fake moustache on your upper lip. If you can drink your cocktail without your fake moustache falling off, you’re so close to enlightenment that you’re practically making out with it.

·  Go to bed early because you need to rest up for your big day tomorrow. Wear your sports bra and yoga pants in order to ensure adequate REM sleep.

Sunday:

·  Smoke weed.

·  You might be feeling a little nervous and dehydrated, so you’ll want to throw back a shot of Café Patron.

·  Pitch a perfect game.

·  Call the TBB to thank them for their sound advice.
·     *Cyber High-Five*

In conclusion, follow this strict regiment EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it and you shall return to the game bigger and better than before. EXACTLY as we’ve dictated it. Do not vary it in any way shape or form. Do not do Monday’s tasks on Friday or you’ll mess everything up…and get herpes. Remember, we know what’s best for you and we’ll look forward to being escorted onto the field when you throw your perfect game.


Oh, and before we forget, it should be noted that you shouldn’t drink water after midnight for you will turn into a gremlin…actually, come to think of it, you’re better off being safe than sorry. No water. Just booze.


Kiss Noise.


Sincerely,
Your Traveling Baseball Babes/Life Coaches


PS -
See you on August 14^th for Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!


Now for our A-hole of the Week. This week’s a-hole is Dustin Pedroia for saying, “I’m a lizard. I heal while I play. I’m a freak healer. I heal great.” No. You’re an asshat and you look like a hairy crypt keeper. Thank you for playing. Have a nice day. Our TBB Super Hero of the Week is Sean Rodriguez of the Tampa Bay Rays for playing this prank on teammates, James Shields and David Price.


Next weekend, we regret to inform you that the TBB will be taking their own All Star Break. Unfortunately, we won’t be doing anything as fun as hitting home runs, chasing mascots, or frolicking around the base paths. We’ll be partaking in bridal party duties for two totally separate weddings. Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll post a drunk photo or two from our respective parties, but we doubt it. We’re ugly drunks.

The TBB’s 2010 Playoff Picks

For last week’s blog, we showed you a pair of interviews that we conducted at 8/31’s Yankees/A’s game at Yankees Stadium and asked which interview you liked best. Of the 5 votes we received, 3 people chose Tracy and Cathy while 2 people picked The Family. We admit that this poll was pretty dull to begin with and since Tracy and Cathy didn’t win in a landslide, we have absolutely nothing witty to say about this. We apologize for being utterly humorless.

Fall is a beautiful time of year. The stifling heat and humidity recedes in favor of cool, crisp weather perfect for wearing just a sweater and a pair of boots. The leaves melt into brilliant colors of fire before fall from tree branches and carpeting the ground. Kids return to school on yellow buses, the glory of football begins, and October Baseball is upon us. With the post season mere weeks away, we’ve decided to bring to you our playoff picks. First, we’ll show you the current standings as of this morning and then we’ll break it down by Lisa’s picks for each Division, followed by Serena’s

Current Standings:
AL East:
Yankees
Rays (2.5 games back)

NL East:
Phillies
Braves (1 game back)
* Mets are 11.5 games back

AL Central:
Twins
White Sox (6 games back)

NL Central:
Reds
Cardinals (5 games back)

AL West:
Rangers
Athletics (7.5 games back)

NL West:
Padres
Giants (1 game back)

Lisa’s Post Season Contenders:
AL East:
I think that Tampa Bay will win the division and the Yankees will take the wild card. Had our ex boyfriend been pitching like a normal person and Andy Pettitte was healthy, I would’ve reversed it, but I believe that Tampa Bay has the better pitching.

NL East:
I am rooting for Atlanta. I like the team. Their pitching is strong and Tim Hudson is hot. I am hoping they can bring the title back for Bobby Cox in his last year. That would be real nice.

Phillies will wind up in the post season as the wild card…blahh booo hiss.

AL Central:
I am going with our M&M boys and the Twins.

NL Central:
I am going with St. Louis. I think they can make a comeback being only 5 games back from first place. They have strong bats and are always good contenders at the end of the year. I don’t see 5 games holding them back.

AL West:
I am going with Texas because I highly doubt Oakland will rise to the top and stage a comeback. It’s Oakland. Maybe Vin Mazzaro should consider coming to New York to be our new boyfriend.

NL West:
Going with Tiny Tim and the Giants. They have had a great year and their pitching has held up well. Their bats have been strong and they’ve been fighting the whole year with some come from behind wins.

Serena’s Post Season Contenders:
AL East:
I am 99.98% sure that the wild card is coming out of this division (like always). Despite the standings being extremely close, I think the Yankees are going to take it and leave the Rays with the wild card. My reasoning strictly has to do with offense. I feel that both teams have a concern regarding pitching. I am worried about the Yankees’ pitching rotation. For starters, AJ Burnett (and I swear, I’m not harping on him just to pick on him) gives me heart burn. When he’s good, the man’s good. But when he’s not? It’s like Joe Girardi rolled a pitching machine out to the mound to start the game. Second of all, I want Andy back! He’s like a familiar childhood blanket that you can’t sleep without. He finally had a rehab start in Trenton last night. He pitched pretty well, lasting 4 innings, striking out 4, and only allowing 2 hits, but I’m not comforted by this. I will only feel relief when he returns. Whenever the hell that is. For the Rays, after David Price and Matt Garza, they do not have anyone reliable to slide into the third slot. While Price and Garza are a nasty one-two punch, Price’s recent performance against the Red Sox proves that they’re not infallible. You can break them down. If Price and Garza both have uncanny performances, a series is toast and there may not be a man in the rotation to count on to at least salvage the last game of series. You cannot afford those types of mistakes this late in the year and in such a tight race.

Offense will be the game changer in the AL East. When you boil it down, the Yankees hit and the Rays don’t. They’re currently residing in the basement of the MLB pile in both team batting average and total hits.

NL East:
I think the NL wild card is coming out of the East as well. Both the Phillies and Braves have been extremely competitive and neither team seems to be budging an inch. However, I think experience gives the Phillies the edge as well as the division.

AL Central:
Twins all the way. I do not think that the White Sox are strong enough to climb themselves out of the 6-game hole that they’re in and the Twins aren’t weak enough to collapse that badly. Plus, my future second husband, Justin Morneau, is confident of a return to the lineup before the end of the season. He will be a vital asset to the Twins in the post season.

NL Central:
Reds. The Cardinals are a very good team, but the Reds have been hot all season. If this was any other year, I’d go with the Cardinals.

AL West:
The Rangers have been pummeling their competition. I will lick a garbage can in the Port Authority if the Athletics manage to magically overtake the Rangers and win the division. In fact, the Rangers have performed so well this season, that I’d go so far as to say that they’ll be representing the American League in the World Series this year.

NL West:
Even though the Padres are currently in first, I don’t see it lasting. I think the Giants’ momentum will surge them past the Padres. The Giants have won 8 of their last 11 games, while the Padres have been losing their grip on the situation, losing 11 of their last 14. The Giants handed Jon Garland his third straight loss and it’s the 13th straight game in which the Padres have only scored 4 runs or less. Combining the Padres’ inability to score runs and the Giants fierce pitching staff (Tiny Tim, Matt Cain, my future ex-husband), the Padres simply do not have the staying power to remain on top, let alone combat what the East has to offer in the wild card race.

Don’t agree with any of our statements? That’s cool. In fact, it wouldn’t shock us one bit. You can either post your choices to this blog or send us an Email. We can talk about it during next week’s posting

On to this week’s baseball notes. Sadly, there wasn’t much since today’s post basically covers baseball’s hot news. However, this little accomplishment is definitely celebratory worthy. Trevor Hoffman recorded his 600th career save on Tuesday in the Brewers’ 4-2 rout of the Cardinals. The only player in MLB history close to this statistic is the one and only Mariano Rivera with 555 saves. We think that this feat definitely deserves TBB Super Hero of the Week honors, so congratulations, Trevor. This Bud’s for you.

With tomorrow being the somber anniversary of September 11th, we want to express a note of thanks to the selfless police officers and fire fighters who risk their lives every day to make us safe, as well as to the men and women stationed overseas. We hope that you’re brought home soon and safely.

“This is the time to remember cos’ the post season does not last forever. These are the division titles they need to hold on to cos’ some teams won’t, although we’ll want them to. This is the time, but some leads are gonna change. Some teams have given us the best of them and now the rest of the teams need to win.”