A Whole Lot of Sh*t Without Really Saying Anything

Based on the results of our poll, you people are a pack of sickos. We truly don’t even know what to say to you at this point. We asked what you thought Operation Hot Brother was all about and 3 of you actually felt that Lisa was in love with Brother. Are you insane? He’s but a child! He’s like a younger brother to Lisa! That’s almost incest. You people are just gross. 1 person thought we had to rescue Brother from a fire-breathing dragon, which is very noble of you to assume, but if we’re being completely honest here, Serena would probably try to adopt the dragon as a pet whereas Lisa would run away screaming. Note how there’s not much saving involved in either of those scenarios. 2 of you claimed that there was no Brother and this was just another stupid thing that the two of us have concocted. We’ll have you know that there IS a Brother! He’s listed in our TBB lingo page for f*ck’s sakes! Pay attention! Lastly, 2 people chose “you were searching long and hard for Dial hand soap.” This, our stupid friends, is the correct answer. Liquid Dial hand soap is an endangered species these days despite it being an American institution in the soap community. We had to visit 4 stores in order to find it.

The playoffs are just around the corner and we’re obviously a bit too late to talk about our playoff picks because teams have already starting clinching spots. However, we already knew that the Phillies were clinching the NL East. C’mon. We knew this in February when they decided to form a “historical pitching staff” (yes, we’re still making fun of Cliff Lee for that…in fact, we’ll probably keep making fun of him for this even after he retires). Tigers’ also clinched a playoff berth. At this stage, we feel pretty strongly that the teams currently sitting in the division lead spots are going to stay there (Yankees, Rangers, Brewers, and Diamondbacks).

It’s the Wild Card races that are going to be interesting. As previously stated, the Rays are making it EXTREMELY exciting in the American League. The Red Sox are currently leading the race by 3 games, but there’s a real possibility that the Rays can take it. The Rays have games against the Yankees (who they seem to beat all the time) and the Blue Jays to end the season, whereas the Red Sox are playing the Orioles and the Yankees. The Orioles are terrible and the Red Sox have enjoyed beating the Yankees with a wet towel this year. Okay, you know what? We take it back. In reviewing the schedule, there’s an excellent chance that the Yankees will royally screw this whole thing up and not even make it to the playoffs. If both the Red Sox and Yankees advance, win the Division Series, and end up facing each other in the Championship Series, the Red Sox are going to the World Series. Whoopidee doo! On the National League side, the Braves have a 4.5 game lead over the Cardinals. We just don’t foresee this changing.

Baseball Notes:

Because of September 11^th, Major League Baseball moved the Mets/Nationals matchup up to the Sunday Night Baseball spot on ESPN. The players asked if they could wear FDNY and NYPD baseball hats to honor the first responders. The MLB declined this request claiming, “it was not part of league policy.” They were only allowed to wear the hats during batting practice. Sorry, but we just don’t buy it. This was pure corporate greed at its finest stepping in. It’s pretty clear that the only reason that the FDNY and NYPD hats weren’t allowed is that the hats are not issued by the MLB like the special edition hats that the players wear on Memorial Day and 4^th of July (which the MLB has the audacity to charge the public $40/hat for), meaning that the MLB wouldn’t make a dime if the public suddenly felt inspired to purchase a FDNY or NYPD hat for themselves. Who wants to make a bet that next year the MLB releases special edition September 11^th hats that the players WILL be allowed to wear and that we’ll get charged our first born child to buy them? If we’re wrong, Lisa will root for the Phillies and Serena will root for the Red Sox for the remainder of the 2012 season. We’ll post a photo of us wearing Phillies and Red Sox hats as proof. We won’t be happy about it, but we’ll do it.

Tuesday night was a very happening night in baseball land. Mariano Rivera recorded his 600^th career save. While we can admit that this historical moment is important, guess what we chose to direct our intention on instead? Star Wars was released on BluRay this week, which probably gave you techno-geeks a hard on. To celebrate the phenomenon, MLB is offering Star Wars night at select stadiums. Tuesday was Star Wars night at Citi Field. Serena’s life clearly has no meaning anymore because she was unable to attend. This is what she missed:

F*cking storm troopers, wookies, and f*cking Darth Vadar. What is the point in living when you miss something this glorious? This obviously would’ve been the best night of her entire adult life. Could you imagine the pictures we would’ve posted to our blog from this f*cking event? F*cking amazing.

Yesterday, Rivera recorded his 601^st save, bringing him one step closer to tying Trevor Hoffman’s all-time save record. This still doesn’t dull the pain of missing Star Wars night.

Joe Mauer is officially out for the season with pneumonia and as a result, basically screwed Tigers Love Peppers in the a-hole, so thanks for that. Does he have the weakest immune system ever? How the hell does someone just “get” pneumonia?

PS – the Jennifer Lopez Fiat commercial is extremely annoying. It certainly does not make us want to jump out of the sunroof of our Fiat that looks just like a Minicooper and dance with our papi.

Coming Soon: Baseball 2011

So then, little TBB ducklings, do you feel educated about baseball game fashion? After presenting you with what we feel is a sound case against fashion criminals, we asked if you agreed with our assessment. 5 of you totally support us and are super glad that us lovely ladies (your words, not ours) took the time to explain the situation to you. In fact, those faux pas fans are hairy a-holes. Sadly, 1 individual is confused. Sir or Madam, please email us so that we can explain it in more detail to you…if that’s even possible.

It’s an exciting time for baseball fans! Spring training is nearly upon us! Pitchers and catchers begin reporting on February 14th…gag us with a chocolate heart. Full squad workouts start on the 19th and by 23rd, all players will have reported for duty. The Yankees’ staff and roster in particular will report on the 15th and 20th, while the Mets report on the 17th and 21st.

Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 still continues. Wow…we suppose that things really are more slow-paced than New York down in Texas. Will you make a friggin’ decision already? We love you, but we can’t take it anymore! It’s like a bad horror film starring Neve Campbell.

The big news in the MLB this week is that Trevor Hoffman has officially announced his retirement at the age of 43. He leaves the game as the all-time saves leader with 601 over the course of 18 seasons (552 of these saves coming with the Padres). Since Mariano Rivera has the mind of a 22-year old who may never retire, this opens the door for him to surpass Hoffman’s feat. Okay, Trevor. You can be TBB Super Hero of the Week if you want to. You’ve talked us into it.

Josh Hamilton was hospitalized on Monday after being diagnosed with an early case of pneumonia. He was treated at a local hospital and fortunately, should be able to resume conditioning and baseball-related activities within the next several days.

RHP Kris Benson told FOXsports.com that he’s “done” after playing 9 seasons. He felt that his history of elbow and shoulder injuries have prevented him from being at his best saying, “I’ve been putting way too much into it and not getting enough out of it, as far as rehab, working out, training, and then not getting the type of results I expect from myself.” Benson pitched for the Mets during the 2004-2005 seasons, at one time pitching 70 consecutive innings without surrendering a home run. In September 2004, Benson won the Mets Best Pitcher Award (which we’re pretty sure is a made up accomplishment) with an ERA 2.25. He left the Mets at the end of the 2005 season for Baltimore with a 4.32 ERA for the two seasons, including 242.1 innings pitched with 146 strikeouts and having given up 236 hits, 123 runs, and 32 home runs. Additionally, he was a beautiful man and will be missed.

Poetic justice seems to be prevailing here. Scott Boras’ biggest names are still unemployed: Andruw Jones, Manny Ramirez, and Johnny Damon. Of the three players named here, the only one who may be of some use in a DH role is Johnny Damon (and yes, it pains Serena to admit this). Since he’s a waste of sperm in the outfield, this basically only leaves the American League as an option for Damon and DH spots are few and far between these days. As for the other two, they’ve outlived their “use” several seasons ago. The Braves and Red Sox were right to ditch them when they did. Not that this should matter to these NTAC’s. They’ll still be able to retire rich.

Tune in next week for our in-depth analysis of the Wright Stache: Do naked lips really prevent championships? We go behind the scenes (since we’re clearly experts on facial hair as shown here).

The TBB’s 2010 Playoff Picks

For last week’s blog, we showed you a pair of interviews that we conducted at 8/31’s Yankees/A’s game at Yankees Stadium and asked which interview you liked best. Of the 5 votes we received, 3 people chose Tracy and Cathy while 2 people picked The Family. We admit that this poll was pretty dull to begin with and since Tracy and Cathy didn’t win in a landslide, we have absolutely nothing witty to say about this. We apologize for being utterly humorless.

Fall is a beautiful time of year. The stifling heat and humidity recedes in favor of cool, crisp weather perfect for wearing just a sweater and a pair of boots. The leaves melt into brilliant colors of fire before fall from tree branches and carpeting the ground. Kids return to school on yellow buses, the glory of football begins, and October Baseball is upon us. With the post season mere weeks away, we’ve decided to bring to you our playoff picks. First, we’ll show you the current standings as of this morning and then we’ll break it down by Lisa’s picks for each Division, followed by Serena’s

Current Standings:
AL East:
Yankees
Rays (2.5 games back)

NL East:
Phillies
Braves (1 game back)
* Mets are 11.5 games back

AL Central:
Twins
White Sox (6 games back)

NL Central:
Reds
Cardinals (5 games back)

AL West:
Rangers
Athletics (7.5 games back)

NL West:
Padres
Giants (1 game back)

Lisa’s Post Season Contenders:
AL East:
I think that Tampa Bay will win the division and the Yankees will take the wild card. Had our ex boyfriend been pitching like a normal person and Andy Pettitte was healthy, I would’ve reversed it, but I believe that Tampa Bay has the better pitching.

NL East:
I am rooting for Atlanta. I like the team. Their pitching is strong and Tim Hudson is hot. I am hoping they can bring the title back for Bobby Cox in his last year. That would be real nice.

Phillies will wind up in the post season as the wild card…blahh booo hiss.

AL Central:
I am going with our M&M boys and the Twins.

NL Central:
I am going with St. Louis. I think they can make a comeback being only 5 games back from first place. They have strong bats and are always good contenders at the end of the year. I don’t see 5 games holding them back.

AL West:
I am going with Texas because I highly doubt Oakland will rise to the top and stage a comeback. It’s Oakland. Maybe Vin Mazzaro should consider coming to New York to be our new boyfriend.

NL West:
Going with Tiny Tim and the Giants. They have had a great year and their pitching has held up well. Their bats have been strong and they’ve been fighting the whole year with some come from behind wins.

Serena’s Post Season Contenders:
AL East:
I am 99.98% sure that the wild card is coming out of this division (like always). Despite the standings being extremely close, I think the Yankees are going to take it and leave the Rays with the wild card. My reasoning strictly has to do with offense. I feel that both teams have a concern regarding pitching. I am worried about the Yankees’ pitching rotation. For starters, AJ Burnett (and I swear, I’m not harping on him just to pick on him) gives me heart burn. When he’s good, the man’s good. But when he’s not? It’s like Joe Girardi rolled a pitching machine out to the mound to start the game. Second of all, I want Andy back! He’s like a familiar childhood blanket that you can’t sleep without. He finally had a rehab start in Trenton last night. He pitched pretty well, lasting 4 innings, striking out 4, and only allowing 2 hits, but I’m not comforted by this. I will only feel relief when he returns. Whenever the hell that is. For the Rays, after David Price and Matt Garza, they do not have anyone reliable to slide into the third slot. While Price and Garza are a nasty one-two punch, Price’s recent performance against the Red Sox proves that they’re not infallible. You can break them down. If Price and Garza both have uncanny performances, a series is toast and there may not be a man in the rotation to count on to at least salvage the last game of series. You cannot afford those types of mistakes this late in the year and in such a tight race.

Offense will be the game changer in the AL East. When you boil it down, the Yankees hit and the Rays don’t. They’re currently residing in the basement of the MLB pile in both team batting average and total hits.

NL East:
I think the NL wild card is coming out of the East as well. Both the Phillies and Braves have been extremely competitive and neither team seems to be budging an inch. However, I think experience gives the Phillies the edge as well as the division.

AL Central:
Twins all the way. I do not think that the White Sox are strong enough to climb themselves out of the 6-game hole that they’re in and the Twins aren’t weak enough to collapse that badly. Plus, my future second husband, Justin Morneau, is confident of a return to the lineup before the end of the season. He will be a vital asset to the Twins in the post season.

NL Central:
Reds. The Cardinals are a very good team, but the Reds have been hot all season. If this was any other year, I’d go with the Cardinals.

AL West:
The Rangers have been pummeling their competition. I will lick a garbage can in the Port Authority if the Athletics manage to magically overtake the Rangers and win the division. In fact, the Rangers have performed so well this season, that I’d go so far as to say that they’ll be representing the American League in the World Series this year.

NL West:
Even though the Padres are currently in first, I don’t see it lasting. I think the Giants’ momentum will surge them past the Padres. The Giants have won 8 of their last 11 games, while the Padres have been losing their grip on the situation, losing 11 of their last 14. The Giants handed Jon Garland his third straight loss and it’s the 13th straight game in which the Padres have only scored 4 runs or less. Combining the Padres’ inability to score runs and the Giants fierce pitching staff (Tiny Tim, Matt Cain, my future ex-husband), the Padres simply do not have the staying power to remain on top, let alone combat what the East has to offer in the wild card race.

Don’t agree with any of our statements? That’s cool. In fact, it wouldn’t shock us one bit. You can either post your choices to this blog or send us an Email. We can talk about it during next week’s posting

On to this week’s baseball notes. Sadly, there wasn’t much since today’s post basically covers baseball’s hot news. However, this little accomplishment is definitely celebratory worthy. Trevor Hoffman recorded his 600th career save on Tuesday in the Brewers’ 4-2 rout of the Cardinals. The only player in MLB history close to this statistic is the one and only Mariano Rivera with 555 saves. We think that this feat definitely deserves TBB Super Hero of the Week honors, so congratulations, Trevor. This Bud’s for you.

With tomorrow being the somber anniversary of September 11th, we want to express a note of thanks to the selfless police officers and fire fighters who risk their lives every day to make us safe, as well as to the men and women stationed overseas. We hope that you’re brought home soon and safely.

“This is the time to remember cos’ the post season does not last forever. These are the division titles they need to hold on to cos’ some teams won’t, although we’ll want them to. This is the time, but some leads are gonna change. Some teams have given us the best of them and now the rest of the teams need to win.”