We Got A Lot Of Snow...& Our Pants Are On

Last week, we asked if you wanted us to post video of the different stages of burpees and it turns out that unanimously, our blog audience wants video of us performing the four stages of burpees: Bitch Burpees, Midway Burpees, Spartan Burpees, and OUR Burpees. We will grant you this wish, but not now. We are too sore and broken from shoveling snow for close to four hours yesterday.

We had intentions of writing about the Cupid Undie Run today, BUT we were nailed by Blizzard Nemo (or whatever the f*ck they're calling it) Friday into Saturday and the race was canceled. It was a good thing too because we were still shoveling our cars out yesterday at 1:00 in the afternoon, which was when we were supposed to be at the Brass Monkey registering and preparing for the race. It's been postponed until next Saturday, so we promise to make it up to you. This means we're going another full week without beer or wings. This is the definition of torture. We thought it was watching Giants football this year, but no. We were wrong. Torture is defined as "Beer & Hot Wing Drought." Anyway, we'd film our burpees next week, but we're planning on being drunk after the race, soooo attempting burpees at that juncture is probably not the best idea. We will video for the following week. Don't worry, we WILL post pictures of the race and MAYBE some video clips. The video will NOT feature our asses jiggling, however. We have too much pride for that. We are excited to report that together, our team "Can You See My Knickers?" raised $525 for The Children's Tumor Foundation! Pretty sure that means that we're awesome.

Baseball Notes:
The Seattle Mariners and Felix Hernandez agreed to a 7-year deal this week worth $175 million. When will teams learn that signing a pitcher (or a catcher) to 7 years or more is completely asinine?

Red Sox prospect, Bryce Brentz, didn't make it on the list of non-roster invitees to Major League camp, not because he sucks at playing ball, but because he's a raging idiot. The 24-year old outfielder accidentally shot himself in the leg recently while cleaning his handgun at his home...in Tennessee. OF COURSE, he lives in Tennessee.

Has anyone seen Tim Lincecum's new look? According to Ryan Vogelsong, "he looks 12 now instead of 15." We couldn't agree more. Hopefully, chopping off his hair doesn't do to his pitching what chopping off Samson's hair did to Samson's strength. Apparently, Timmy's been getting some life advice from Barry Zito since Zito's got experience coming back from failure, which is what Timmy will attempt to do this season after a lukewarm performance in 2012. Ummm...does Timmy realize that it took Zito like, 5 years to figure sh*t out???? Why doesn't he just stick to the regiment we gave him at the start of the All Star Break last year? If he starts rocking a comb-over and porn-stache because of Zito, we're flying to San Francisco and f*cking sh*t up. We will singlehandedly shave that stache off and draw a French moustache on Barry Zito's face in permanent black marker. We are NOT joking. We are not to be trifled with.

PS - Joel has STILL not signed up for the Spartan Race at Citi Field. Win.

Felix Halladay

During this recent post season, Jeff Francoeur offended generations of people’s private parts with his unattractive beard. Please don’t misunderstand us. We have nothing against beards or facial hair in general. What we have issues with is GROSS facial hair, particularly men who have furry woodland creatures growing on their faces! That being said, we were curious if you felt the same as we do about Jeff’s…hairy situation. Thankfully, of 9 people, 8 of you voted that Jeff should shave his beard “for the sake of the children.” 1 creepy individual apparently likes the fact that Jeff looks like Paul Bunyan. Jeff, if you’re the 1 person who voted in favor of your poor decision, you’re delusional. We love you. You’ve got a great arm and when you’re hitting, you’ve got some power under your belt, but jeez. No gustamos your beard. Stop pretending. You probably don’t like it either. It most likely itches and catches all of your meals.

Roy Halladay officially won the NL Cy Young Award on Tuesday, like there’s an f’n surprise. Did they even bother to vote on that matter or did they just hand it over to him? On the flip side of the coin, it was announced yesterday that Felix Hernandez of the Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award, beating CC Sabathia and David Price by a long shot. See? The Mariners can win things in the 2010 season! Yay! Felix Hernandez is the Super Hero of the Week for several reasons…all of them, we assure you, are good reasons and they make perfect sense. Let’s be serious. When have we ever NOT made sense? For starters, Felix won a Cy Young. Yay! Next, Roy has already been Super Hero this year and we’ve never even discussed Felix because he plays for a shitastic team. Also, he plays for a shitastic team and still managed to win the Cy Young (whereas Roy won his award playing for a jerkoff, yet talented team). Fourthly, we’re closing this week’s blog with a song dedicated to Roy and he can’t have everything! If that’s the case, we’d have to change our blog to www.royhalladay’stravelingbaseballbabes.blogspot.com. Our website address is long enough! Lastly, if we had made Tim Lincecum Super Hero of the Week, it would’ve not only been redundant (as his number is already retired on our blog AND he has an annual holiday in August, which is marked off on our company Outlook calendars on a recurring basis), but inappropriate as he did NOT win the Cy Young this year. Granted, he got something slightly sexier in the form of a World Series trophy and ring, but…that still doesn’t change anything.

Shockingly, the Marlins traded 2B, Dan Uggla to division rivals, the Braves in exchange for utility player Omar Infante and pitcher Mike Dunn. Money appears to be the main culprit for the Marlins unloading the All Star player, but nevertheless, we’re still a bit surprised by the move.

MLB Executive Vice President, Rob Manfred, said that adding more wild card teams to the 2011 season would be difficult because it would require a modification to the current labor contract, which will continue through the season? They’re more likely to consider this possibility for the 2012 season. Maybe they should just stop “thinking” because apparently when you pool the minds of selfish and rich dumbasses, you get brilliance like this. They need to stop comparing themselves to the NFL…unless of course, they’re considering instituting a salary cap and a better penal system like the NFL. Bud Selig has announced that a “special 14-man committee” will discuss the possibility of adding two more wild card teams in December during the winter meetings. Anyone else getting the sense that this terrible idea is definitely going to come to fruition whether we like it or not?

Finally, Hot Mama Erin's birthday was on Wednesday and we'd like to wish her a happy, happy birthday! Lurve you!

In honor of Roy Halladay, we leave you with a charming little ditty that goes as something like this: “He’s the hairy-handed gent, who ran amuck in Philly. Lately he’s been overheard in Florida. Better stay away from him, he’ll strike you out, Jim. We’d like to meet his tailor. Ah-oooooooooooooooh. Werewolves of Philly.”

Dear Murphy

Last week we inundated you with fascinating details regarding facial hair etiquette. Naturally, our poll followed the same theme. We asked you if you felt that creeptastic facial hair made you a better ball player…or not. Of 6 votes, a whopping 4 agreed that it made players perform worse because nasty facial hair makes them less aerodynamic. 1 person felt that these horrific growths actually made players better because time typically wasted on grooming was spent on practicing baseball. Finally, 1 NTAC, who we’re pretty confident is either TOWSNBN or his imposter, who posted a comment on last week’s blog, thought that this poll was the stupidest poll ever and that he couldn’t wait for the season to start so that the TBB would stop writing about retarded garbage. Well, Mr. NTAC, we’re sorry that you don’t like our off season reporting, but there are plenty of people (and by plenty, we mean 2) who find our nonsense funny. So pin a rose on your nose. Why don’t you groom your beard? Male or female. We care not.

You may have already guessed it what’s about to come simply based on the today’s title. We are going to share yet another letter with you. We simply love writing letters and not sending them. We’re content to just post it here and then force you people to tolerate it. Today’s letter is directed toward the one and only Daniel Murphy. Some of you, like Papa L., might not understand why we’re choosing to send a letter to Murphy. Papa L. is even advocating trading Murphy for a bag of marbles and a player to be named later. However, what you people have failed to see here is a man worth sending a letter to. For starters, he looks so nice on television, which obviously means he’s nice in person. Secondly, his last name is Murphy, which is definitely the best last name in history. He’ll probably party with us on St. Patty’s Day as soon as he friends on Facebook and give us a chance to invite him out. Also, he’s probably a fantastic karaoke singer. We have no proof of this, but we have a good feeling about that Murphy’s pipes. Finally, his jersey number is 28 and as we all know, Serena only likes even numbers. It’s pretty clear that this future friendship is destiny. So without further delay, we present to you our letter to Daniel Murphy:

Dear Murphy,
What’s up? How’s the off season treating you? Do you mind if we call you Murphy? We feel like we’re already such good friends and figured calling you by your last name would be acceptable. Since we know you’ve been following our blog religiously since its inception, you’re probably aware that we’re on the outs with TOWSNBN. You may think that he doesn’t like us because we’re crazy, but we assure you that are not crazy nor do we deserve TOWSNBN’s animosity. We’re good people. All we wanted was a picture and maybe an autograph. Lisa’s long ago relinquished the fantasy of being his wife. Truly, we’re harmless.

We encourage you not to believe the lies that TOWSNBN have perpetuated about us. He’s going to try and convince you not to socialize with us. That being said, we strongly feel that you should be our partner in crime. You could be the Charlie to our Angels. Let us offer you evidence as to why our friendship could beneficial to you and why you should not fear us.

1. We are small. If you felt threatened, you could easily handle disposing of us.
2. We know how to party. We encourage you to friend us on Facebook and check out our San Francisco photo albums (not, we emphasize, NOT our Boston pictures) as proof of this.
3. We like sports, so we can definitely chat sports with you. You could even order some pizza and watch the Jets game with us this weekend. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Also, if you’re in slump, our knowledge in the field of baseball could perhaps assist you in shaking that funk. We’re just saying…
4. We are very interested in clothing. We will guarantee that you’ll never commit a fashion faux paux on or off the field.
5. We are fun companions and therefore, should you need a date to the ESPY’s, we’ll be more than happy to fill that role free of charge because we’re friends and because we’re not prostitutes. Imagine how studly you will look with not one, but two TBB’s on your arm. You big Irish stud man.
6. Speaking of being fun companions, we also like to travel. Therefore, you can take our charming personalities on the road with you! Imagine the awesome possibilities that await us! Can we say, pillow fight? Snuggle time in your away jersey? Body shots? We think, yes!
7. We enjoy fitness. Perhaps we can all train for the upcoming season together? We think we could also offer you valuable tips on preventing injury. For example, you should always stretch before and after a hard work out. We could demonstrate to you our stretching techniques. Think about it.
8. We are loyal. Fear not the trade deadlines. We are willing to support you regardless of what franchise scoops your adorable face up.
   

In conclusion, we actually think we shouldn’t have to say anything else. This list alone should prove our worth to you. Although we would also like to point out that neither of us has ever been checked into a mental health facility and therefore TOWSNBN’s accusation that we’re insane is clearly suspect. If you choose not to be our friend, we will not hold it against you. We will still cheer for you from the stands at Citi Field.

Happy Valentine’s Day if we don’t speak to you before then.

Sincerely,
The Traveling Baseball Babes

Whew! We feel so much better having gotten all of that off our chests! On to this week’s baseball notes: The Marlins signed Josh Johnson to a 4 year/$39 million contract. He is rumored to be one of the candidates to throw the first pitch at the new stadium the Marlins are scheduled to get in 2012. A bit weird that they’re already discussing first pitches at a stadium not yet built, but who are we to judge? 2009 AL Cy Young Award contender, Felix Hernandez, received a 5 year extension worth $78 million from the Mariners. See? You don’t have to win to profit. Keep that in mind all of you Golden Globe losers. Just being nominated really does count. Lisa’s favorite Flyin’ Hawaiian, Shane Victorino, agreed to a 3 year/$22 million contract extension with the Phillies. The Phillies have also offered Joe Blanton a 3 year/$24 million extension. Lisa’s blossoming hope wilted when the Mets missed out on acquiring more pitching yet again. The Angels landed RHP Joel Pineiro with a $16 million/2 year contract. Bengie Molina chose to re-sign with the Giants for 1 year at $4.5 million. Apparently the Mets had offered him $5 million, but the Bay Area was just too appealing for Molina to leave. Or he had absolutely no desire to deal with playing for the Mets. To each his own, we suppose. Of course, Carlos Beltran continues to astound us with his amazing ability to be an a-hole.

Well, that’s all folks! Woody and Buzz Lightyear sang our feelings for Murphy best in Toy Story when they said, “When the road trip looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice, warm bed, just remember what your TBB pals said, Murphy, you’ve got a friend in us.”