Yankees Opening Day 2014

April 7, 2014

As promised, Old Man Ed procured tickets to Yankees' Opening Day. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching Moses part the Red Seas to attend, so we invited our friend, Bobby and his friend, Christopher, to the game. This is what Bobby wore to a Yankees/Orioles game:

He told us that he liked the color red. Lisa offered to buy him a red Yankees hat, but that didn't fly. 

We arrived at the stadium in time to buy our sausage sandwiches and french fries before heading to our seats. Two sausages and a side of fries. You're looking at $25 worth of Yankee Stadium food right now. We ate every last bite and we were still hungry. 

Opening ceremony:

Mariano Rivera and Serena's Big Texan threw out the first pitch to Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada. Serena swooned. Not because of this touching moment, but because Andy Pettitte was back in the building. If Jeter and Pettitte could switch places...and then maybe, Pettitte came back to live with Serena, that would be awesome. He can sleep in Lisa's spot in Serena's bed.

Hugs.

 

Back to us. It turns out that Bobby is obsessed with taking selfies. We aimed to photo bomb as many as possible throughout the day.

Christopher was NOT into selfies, but we must admit that thanks to Bobby's selfie skills, he managed to get a pretty good group shot of us:

And also, we should also note that if it wasn't for him, we'd have no photos of the day at all. This is us coming back from a hot chocolate run:

Something new for this year is the fact that you can now purchase your coffee or hot chocolate in a snazzy, functional souvenir thermal cup for $10. Is $10 ridiculous? Yes. But will your hot chocolate still be hot after you're done climbing all of those steps to get back to your seats? Abso-f*cking-lutely. We call that a win. We're obligated to give a shout out to James (Serena's commish in her other fantasy league) for being nice enough to buy us our hot chocolates while another member of this league negotiated a Stephen Strasburg trade with Serena. 

We had another visitor to our section in the form of Instagram user @cusma08. Obviously, we're ridiculously popular. And sexy. Our friend, Charlie was also in the house, but he was super far away and we're lazy, so a simple text message exchange sufficed for a hello. 

Bobby proved to us that we're not as mean as you think. He's meaner. He photographed all of the individuals in our section that he deemed unworthy of his presence. There was a FUPA (Serena only recently found out what a FUPA was, by the way), a man keeping score that removed his dentures, a girl with ugly sneakers, and many others. By the end of the game, he had more photos of strangers than he did of us...and of himself. 

Carlos Beltran is now bald. He's still lazy and he still runs after a ground ball in the outfield with zero sense of urgency. Each time he came to the plate or a ball was hit in his general direction, Lisa could be heard mumbling under her breath. "So...in conclusion, he sucks no matter what New York team he plays for...And he still comes out to zumba music." - live testimony from TBB, Lisa. 

The Yankees defeated the Orioles 4-2, which is rare. Serena couldn't remember the last time she was in attendance for a Yankees victory on Opening Day. The Mets and Yankees apparently decided to switch roles for the occasion.

We shall conclude today's blog with our token selfie for the game: 

Lisa was really cold, which is why she is dressed like a smurf. 

You're welcome for an Opening Day blog post that contains zero game recap. 

"Carlos Beltran, It's Cold Outside"

It's that time of the year, folks! Christmas songs are aplenty this time of year and we want to contribute to the joyous melodies that grace your radio stations. We bring to you our special rendition of the beloved classic, "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

You really can't stay.
      Baby, it's cold outside.
You've really got to go away.
       Baby, it's cold outside.
Your past seasons in NY haven't been -
       Been hoping you'd take me back -
so very nice -
       I'll try to win your hearts, even though they're just like ice.

Your mother will start to worry (because we're going to dick punch you).
      Beauties, what's with all your fury?
Papa L. will be pacing the floor.
      But listen to the NY crowd roar!
Yeah, sure. Maybe have another drink more.
      Put my favorite song on while I rob the poor.

Everyone seems to forget -
      Baby, it's cold outside -
how bad you were when you were a Met -
      There's no other teams to be had out there -
We wish we knew how -
       I am a Yankee now -
to break this spell -
       I'll wear this hat, don't these pinstripes look swell?

We've been saying no, no, no -
      Mind if Jete and I get closer?
At least we're gonna continue to try -
     What's the sense in hurting my pride?
You really can't stay.
      Beauties, don't hold out. You know you want to wear my jersey.
We hope you get Herpes...it's so cold outside.

You've got to find a new home.
       But I'll freeze out there!
We really don't care.
       It's up to my knees out there!
You've really never been grand.
       I'll promise to catch the ball when it's fair!
Why don't people see?
       How can you do this thing to me?

You're bound to disappoint us tomorrow -
      Think of my three-year sorrow -
It seems that in St. Louis, you already hit your peak -
       if you made me A-hole of the Week...every week.
You really can't stay.
      Can't you forgive me for that strikeout?
We need really need you to go away.
      Beauties, you're so cold inside.
Die. And take Jacoby with you.

This will be our last blog of 2013. We know you're disappointed. To make you feel better about this whole situation, we'll post pictures of our New Year's shenanigans to Instagram and Twatter. If you're not already following us, do so. @TravelingBBabes. Don't miss out. We'll see you in 2014. Happy Holidays and May The Force be with you.

Wet Verlander Hot, Beltran Not (Wet or Dry)

Welcome to the worst Championship Series in...well, a long time. We tried to remember the last Championship Series that we felt absolutely blasé about, but couldn't recall one. The Tigers advancing to face the Red Sox is the only excitement we've gotten thus far and it was mostly because MLB posted a photo of Justin Verlander soaked in champagne. Turns that Verlander is really sexy...wet (that's what she said!).

The progression of TBB team support went as follows:
Pirates over Dodgers/Braves over Cardinals/Rays over Red Sox/Tigers over A's.

The Braves and Rays dropped out of the running relatively quickly, which transferred our loyalty to Serena's Future Ex-Husbands. Now only one Future Ex-Husband remains standing and he is facing a team of Paul Bunyans. The entire lineup of the Boston Red Sox are living their lives with beavers resting peacefully upon their faces. Interpret the word, "beaver" as you will. You might view it as a metaphor for something or you might view it as a literal animal. Both work. Oh, also we're from New York and it's impossible to support any team hailing from the Boston area (trust us when we say that it's not like Boston would ever support our teams, so there).

We're not totally in love with the Dodgers (even though we love Don Mattingly) and while Yadier Molina is a real American fantasy baseball hero, we refuse to support the Cardinals for three LEGIT reasons:

1. The one Cardinals fan that gave us stink eye on the Busch Stadium Tour for being from New York.
2. We cannot live in a world where Carlos Beltran feels the joy of success and a World Series Championship.
3. It was incredibly hot in St. Louis when we went there, which meant we suffered from breast sweat. Which, in case you can't figure it out, is uncomfortable. Also, Serena's red tank top bled onto her white bra, which is now pink no matter how many times she's washed it. Bras are expensive.

The moral of today's story, kids, is that we want the Tigers to win the World Series.  More sexy champagne-drenched Verlander, please. The End.

Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."

The TBB’s Old Timer’s Team

Anyone notice how Daniel Murphy no longer has a f*cked up stache? Do you know why he no longer has a f*cked up stache? Because we’re that influential. We’re changing the world, one moustache at a time. Last week we wrote a letter to Murphy explaining why he should shave that crap off his face and we asked if you thought we were being too hard on him. 5 of you agreed that his sh*t was heinous and 3 of you actually thought we were being too hard on him seeing as how the stache wasn’t SO bad. Are you f*cking high? Go sit in the corner. We can’t even look at you right now. You’re a disgrace.

Again we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post and it seems as though we’ve made further promises (daddy), promises that we can’t keep. This time it’s not our fault. We’re having some difficulty tying our Yankees fan down. She’s very busy, therefore we’ll have to work around her schedule. We will give you that follow-up post eventually when she has more free time. In the meantime, we’re going to talk about old people.

While watching the Yankees’ former athletes don the pinstripes again for a brief stint of baseball this afternoon, we became wistful and longed for our teams of old. Watching guys like Charlie Hays (who made the final catch of the 96’ World Series), Willie Randolph, Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neil, Bernie Williams, and David Cone take the field again made Serena miss the old Yankees. The Yankees of the 90’s. A time when her family owned season tickets and got first dibs at post season ticket sales. A time when Ken Griffey Jr. chased the home run record while playing for the Mariners, when the Mariners were actually a good team, when Roger Clemens/Andy Pettitte/AROD/Barry Bonds/Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa hadn’t been publicly flogged for steroid use, when the Expos still existed and there were no Nationals, when the Brewers still played in the American League, when there was only one Wild Card team from each league, when you were able to slip a quarter into those little vending machines and get a plastic mini-helmet for your money, when the Mets’ home run apple actually looked like an apple rising from a top hat and not a tomato rising from the center circle of hell, when satin team jackets were the style, and when pitchers went the distance.

Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy watching the Yankees and Mets. Serena loves Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson, Mark Teixeira, Brett Gardner, Andy Pettitte, Nick Swisher. Lisa loves TOWSNBN, Daniel Murphy, Johan Santana, RA Dickey, Mike Baxter, Ruben Tejada. However, it’s not the same. Maybe we’re getting old or maybe we’re just too jaded, but it feels like these group of guys are tarnished.

We decided to create our own Old Timer’s Team, only instead of just having Yankees, it would be a team for New York, consisting of our all-time favorite players (not including active players). After compiling our list, we discovered that we apparently have strong emotional ties to outfielders and pitchers. We might have one of the oldest, most epic pitching staffs in history. Before we share our list, please be aware that some players that you may feel are obvious choices for this list (Mike Piazza, Joe DiMaggio) won’t be here and that’s not to discredit their abilities as ball players. We just don’t have emotional ties to them…or, as in the case with Piazza, we just don’t like him as a person.  So without further ado, here’s the TBB’s version of an Old Timer’s Team:

Behind the plate, we chose Thurman Munson and Gary Carter. Granted, neither of us were alive for when Munson patrolled home plate (okay…Lisa was 1, but that hardly counts) and we were quite young during Carter’s hey-day, but these men embodied what a baseball player should be. They were strong, passionate, hard-working, and soulful players. Munson’s career was cut short tragically and when you think about the player he was and how he died, it has to tug on your heart strings, right? You’d have to be pretty heartless to roll your eyes at that. The Yankees still have his locker. Carter died just this year and his death had an obvious affect on the baseball community, including the current Mets…half of which hadn’t been born to see him play since 90% of them are now younger than us. We’re like the Derek Jeter-age of fans. Still socially considered “young,” but we should be approaching baseball retirement any day now. Soon, we’re not going to be allowed to check out any players without being referred to as cougars.

At first, we only have representation from the Bronx side of New York: Tino Martinez, Lou Gehrig, and Don Mattingly. Even Lisa loves Martinez. How could you not? He’s a nice guy, easy on the eyes, and a great first baseman. What an appropriate defensive replacement for Don Mattingly. Growing up under Mamadukes’ roof, there were 3 Yankees that were golden and could do no wrong: Gehrig, Donnie Baseball, and Sweet Lou. Naturally, being a staunch Donnie supporter, Mamadukes did not appreciate the arrival of Martinez. In fact, she hated him. When he got the boot for Jason Giambi, she actually cheered and proclaimed utter adoration for Giambi, which makes no sense. You replaced an amazing first baseman with a complete disaster who wore a gold thong.

Donnie Baseball and Lou Gehrig shouldn’t NEED an explanation, but if you really want one, we’ll give you one.  Lou Gehrig got the sh*tty end of the stick. He was a good guy and a great ball player who had heart, yet he was forced into an early retirement because his body failed him, not because he failed himself. It’s not fair. He set the record of most consecutive games played which stood for 56 years. When his physical abilities began to fail, Gehrig asked his manager, Joe McCarthy to bench him. He never played again. Now when players ask their managers to bench them, it’s only because they want to retain the batting title. Selfish. Ah, and now for Mattingly. The man they call “Donnie Baseball.” When you epitomize the beauty of America’s pastime, you must be pretty legendary, no? Mattingly IS baseball. End of story.

At second, we only have representation from the Queens side of New York: Edgardo Alfonzo and Tim Teufle. Teufle was a member of the exciting 86’ Mets and is part of an elite group of players who actually gave a crap about the game. Plus, he had the Teufle Shuffle at the plate and anyone who has a shuffle named after him is a-ok in our book. Lisa chose Alfonzo because he was great fun to watch, “unlike these jack-a-loons we have playing now.” You may remember Alfonzo for his Sports Illustrated cover appearance alongside John Olerud, Rey Ordonez, and Robin Ventura, which brings us to our next category:

Third base. Representing our elderly gentlemen at third is Robin Ventura and Howard Johnson. Let’s start with the man they call HoJo. As you may recall, both Fred #1 and #2 are Mets fans, therefore while Serena and Brother were brought up in a Yankees household, they did see action at Shea Stadium, including getting to watch HoJo play third for the Mets. At the time, Serena was fascinated by the man that she was sure owned the hotel chain called Howard Johnson. Mamadukes later scoffed at this idea, borderline calling Serena a moron, but Lisa swears that she also remembers HoJo doing Howard Johnson commercials (as we write this, Lisa is sitting on Serena’s bedroom floor furiously Googling for evidence to support our theories on her portable internet machine). We know you’re probably shocked that we chose a ginger to play on our team, but even gingers have potential for athleticism. Just look at Brian McCann. He might be severely unattractive, but that doesn’t stop him from being a bad a$$ mother f*cker behind the plate.

Robin Ventura is a special addition to our team because he played third for both the Yankees and Mets. It’s like a two-for at Chili’s. Serena was obsessed with him. When the Yankees got him from the Mets, she nearly pissed herself with excitement. a) Ventura was a gold medal winner (as in the f*cking Olympics, people). b) he fought Nolan Ryan. Epic. c) had a knack for hitting grand slams (18 for his career, once having hit 2 in one game), and d) was a 6-time Gold Glove winner at third. Serena loves her defense. Plus, he was and still is adorable. When the Yankees released him for Aaron Boone, Serena went to a game at Yankees Stadium with a sign that said, “Bring Robin back. Go away, Aaron.” Mamadukes was embarrassed.

At short stop, we have Bucky “f*cking” Dent and Rey Ordonez. You know that when you talk about Dent and that home run over the Green Monster in 1978, you call him Bucky “f*cking (or bleeping)” Dent. Late game heroics and curse words are what the TBB are all about. In regards to Ordonez, he set a major league record for short stops by playing 101 consecutive games without committing a fielding error. Plus, he is also on the Sports Illustrated cover that we really like.

We have six outfielders because four isn’t enough: Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neil, Lou Piniella, Mickey Mantle, Bobby Murcer, and Cleon Jones. Let us give you the quick summary of what’s happening in the outfield for us: Bern Baby Bern, I am the Warrior, Sweet Louuuuuuu, The Mick, Bobby Murcer once hid an Easter egg in the YES booth for Michael Kay to find, and Cleon Jones caught the final out of 69’ World Series when the Mets defeated the Orioles. All a class of individuals who cared about playing the game…and in O’Neil’s case, he might’ve cared a little too much as he’d been known to break sh*t in the dugout.

When we think about Mantle, we think about him in hindsight because we never had the opportunity to watch him play. You don’t have to be a Yankees fan to appreciate Mantle for what he brought to the table: class, charisma, a beautiful swing that younger players emulate, and all-around athleticism. He had the career that most men dream of: 20-time All Star (20…people are making a big deal about Derek Jeter being voted into his 13^th…TWENTY?!), 7-time World Series champion, 3-time AL MVP, Gold Glove and Hutch Award winner, Triple Crown, his number has been retired at Yankees Stadium, and oh, yeah, he was voted onto the MLB All-Century Team. No big deal. It’s no secret that he never took care of himself. His longtime alcoholism finally caught up to him and he eventually died of liver cancer. Look at what he managed to do with his talents while not giving a sh*t about his body. Could you imagine the great things he would’ve accomplished if he only cared about himself?

As mentioned earlier, our pitching staff is pretty legendary (yes, Cliff Lee, legendary…unlike what you’re pitching with). It consists of Ron Guidry, Mike Mussina, David Cone, Tom Seaver, Ron Darling, and John Franco, who was recently inducted into the Mets Hall of Fame. Mamadukes once sat next to Ron Guidry in a hospital waiting room and didn’t know who he was. When she relayed this story to her father later that day, he was displeased. She tells us that all the girls loved Louisiana Lightning/Gator because of his big blue eyes. Why do we like him? We’ll take a guy who once pitched to a 25-3 record and holds the single-game strikeout record (with 18). How do you like us now? In his old age, he struck out Tino Martinez today. He’s still got it. And he still has his moustache.

Moose is not only a surgically precise pitcher and fierce competitor, he can also field his position, which is more than we can say for a lot of morons pitching these days. Sometimes it looks like a T-Rex stumbled off the mound and tried to pick up the ball with his little arms. They look ridiculous. Moose, on the other hand, is the goddamn man. He was a vacuum on the mound. Plus, he’s a borderline genius, so if something happens, he can tell us what’s wrong with us. He is also sarcastic, so he’ll totally get us. He’ll never get offended by our jokes.

David Cone spent time with both the Mets and Yankees. Lisa had a crush on him as well. She had a poster of him hanging up in her bedroom. Serena did not have a poster of him, but she did cry when she watched the 1996 World Series tape that Mamadukes bought her when they talked about his aneurysm. He threw a perfect game for the Yankees and Serena wishes they’d just fire Michael Kay in the YES booth and replace him with David Cone and Paul O’Neil. Commence hilarity.

Tom Seaver is Fred #2’s hero. Lisa spends countless nights on the couch with Fred #2 trying to watch the Mets game while Fred #2 talks over the television about what a great player Seaver was: “He won all of his games 1-0, 2-0, Lisa. Why? Because they weren’t hitting for him. He played with a bunch of nobodies.”

Ron Darling was a very good pitcher and he’s a very good commentator, but more importantly, he’s very handsome. We’ve seen him in person and he is absolutely beautiful. He’s tall, tan, brunette, and glorious. We didn’t get to speak to him, but we did stare at his magnificence from across the bar while we continued to get sloshed for free.

Finally, John Franco, to date, is the only closer that Lisa did not fear coming out of the bullpen. That should count for something.

Just for sh*ts and giggles, we have Todd Zeile because he’s handsome and Lisa used to have a crush on him. He’s going to be our mascot. The End.

Side note: if anyone remembers anything about HoJo in relation to the Howard Johnson Motel chain, whether it’s regarding ownership or a commercial, please message us. It’s driving us crazy.

This week’s a-hole of the week is Carlos Beltran for making it to the All Star roster. Really? He’s a douchenozzle. We can’t believe you’d betray our trust by voting for him. Meanwhile Bryce Harper is on the extra vote ballot. You’re all going to die morons.

In honor of 4^th July, we’d like to make the US Armed Forces the TBB Super Hero of the Week. To quote Dazed and Confused, “this summer, when you’re being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth of July brouhaha, don’t forget what you’re celebrating, and that’s the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn’t want to pay their taxes.” Happy 4^th of July!

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

You Look So Beautiful To Me. Can’t You See?

We grieved for a lost time of classy ball players that played with heart last week and asked you lovely people what you felt was the reason for today’s lollygagging on the baseball field. It seems as though you really didn’t give a crap about this because only 4 of you responded. A whopping 2 people chose “I’m fat.” Awesome. 1 person chose “I’m getting paid either way, why do I have to run out the play?” And 1 one person chose “Do you even know who I am? I don’t run.” No one chose “I’m just so tired” or “first base is really far away.”

Apparently among the many stupid things that Carlos Beltran did last season, Beltran also offered to pay for Jon Niese’s nose job if Niese ever chose to go through with one. Niese recently underwent a nose job to repair his Toucan Sam beak and Beltran fully intends to foot the $10,000 bill. We’re so glad that Beltran has so much money as his disposal that he can easily pay for other people’s plastic surgeries. Is he taking requests? Serena would like an ass reduction and Lisa would like a breast lift. Are you listening, Carlos? You f*cking a-hole. By the way, is someone going to pay to have that mole removed from your face? It’s insane. It might have its own gravitational pull.

Let’s think about how this conversation in the clubhouse most likely went down sometime last season:

Setting: Mets Clubhouse

Carlos: Jon, have you ever considered getting plastic surgery?

Jon: Uh…for what?
David: Carlos! We agreed we wouldn’t tell him! You’re such an a-hole!
Carlos: He needs to know, hermano.
Jon: Know what?
Carlos: Listen, hermano, I’m not gonna tell you that you need a nose job, but if you choose to get one, I’ll pay for it.  
Jon: Oh…well…I never really thought about it before…
Carlos: Really? You haven’t? That amazes me. Haven’t you looked in the mirror?
Jon: Well…yeah. I mean, I shaved today. What do you mean?
Carlos: How can I say this without sounding like an a-hole? Oh, wait. I am an a-hole so this shouldn’t be a problem. Do you get laid on a regular basis?
David: Aw, man. I can’t believe you went there!
Jon: Well…no…not really. I mean…there are hookers…and you know…those cleat chasers…and that one blind girl.
Carlos: Exactly.
Jon: Um…are you saying it’s because of my nose?
David: God, this is awkward. Especially since I’m so good looking.
Carlos: Of course I think it’s because of your nose!!! I mean, look at me, Jon. Look at you. Look at David. Now look at you again. We get laid all the time. And when I say all the time, I’m not exaggerating. There are some nights I don’t sleep. I have to drink Red Bull constantly in order to keep my bevy of señoritas satisfied. David here has women of all ages throwing themselves at him. There’s that crazy girl, Lisa, who writes that stupid blog with the mean Yankees fan who wants to punch David in the face. Lisa is two steps away from paying David to bang her.
David: True story. She’s crazy a bitch. And her friend scares me. (Points to his face) I mean, hello. Look at my face. She can’t punch me. There’s a reason why I’m the face of the franchise and you’re not.
Carlos: Yeah and Fruit Loops already has a face of their franchise so you’re sh*t out of luck right now.
David: You need something that’s going to make you stand out, but in a good way. Not in the way that you currently stand out.
Carlos: I mean, when you go down on a girl, doesn’t your nose get in the way?
Jon: Well…I never really noticed…
David: Oh, jeez. That’s a whole other set of problems that we’ll need to work on later.
Carlos: After your nose job.
Jon: Well, if you think I should…
Carlos: I do. Think it over, hermano. Let me know. Oh, and by the way, when you go for the surgery, make sure to notify the Mets. Apparently keeping surgery a secret is frowned upon in this establishment.
(Carlos walks off into the sunset)
Jon: David? Do you think he’s right?
David: (Sigh) I do, little buddy. I mean, if you looked half as good as I do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We only want what’s best for you. I mean, the team. And my eyesight.
Jon: (Looking very ashamed) I didn’t realize how ugly I was.
David: I don’t even know how that’s possible. You said you owned a mirror.
Jon: I just didn’t think it was so bad. I thought women didn’t like me because I was Jon Niese.
David: Yeah, it’s definitely the nose, buddy. You get that sh*t fixed, you’re a professional baseball player, you live in New York, and you’re sexy. You’re totally getting banged.
Jon: (Hopeful) You really think so?
David: I sure do! Don’t you want to glisten in the sunlight on the mound like I do at third? (Points to his face) This is my money maker. (Holds up mitt) Not this. (Points to his face again) This will get you endorsements and Victoria’s Secret models that will eventually appear on a cyber list called, “Hottest Baseball Girlfriends/Wives.” For god sakes, look at Russell Martin’s bitch. And he’s terrible looking. But he does have a normal-sized nose. You don’t.
Jon: I do want to glisten like you, David!
David: So do it! Carlos is paying for it! He’s a d*ck! And I hear he’s not gonna be around much longer, so just take the money and run!!!
Jon: You’re right, David. I’ll do it. I’ll make my appointment right now!
(Jon skips off happily)
David: (Looking on with pride) That’s it, little buddy. You go on and fly like a bird! A beautiful, normal-sized nosed bird. (Pulls out to-do list and crosses off “Jon Niese Nose Job”) Now that that’s over with, what’s next? Ah, yes. Getting Jose to wash his hair…or traded to another team. (Laughs creepily).

The lights dim and the curtains close.

End scene.

In other baseball news, the Yankees have finalized a $1.1 million, 1-year contract with former Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez and a $900,000, 1-year deal to retain Eric Chavez. It’s nice when you’re back up third baseman is Eric Chavez. Ibanez will most likely be utilized as a designated hitter and his contract includes $2.9 million in performance bonuses. The TBB are definitely working in the wrong industry.

Ryan Braun joined the team’s first full-squad practice on Saturday having had a heavy burden lifted. Braun was found free and clear of the substance abuse charges and 50-game suspension he’d been facing heading into the 2012 season. Thank goodness. We would’ve been severely disappointed if our favorite Brewer turned out to be a giant fail.

Akon serenades us with, “I see you in the clubhouse. No girl wants to get with you. I see you in the clubhouse. No one’s showing you love. You’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. Said you’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. With your nose.”  

Welcome to 2012

Last week, in addition to wishing you a happy holiday, we asked you what reason a certain TBB fan that shall remain nameless might be obsessed with Serena’s arms. 1 person thinks it’s because her arms are 20 inch pythons so who wouldn’t be obsessed? Okay, we’ll have you know that they’re NOT 20 inches. Sheesh. 4 individuals explained it simply as, “he’s a Phillies fan. Why do Phillies fans do half the things that they do?” 1 other person thinks that he is jealous of her arms and desperately wishes that Serena would train him like she trains Lisa every Sunday morning. Strangely enough, no one chose the option, “he is afraid of her.” Hm.

The A’s continue to astound us with their butchering techniques. They sent Ryan Sweeney and two-time All Star Andrew Bailey to the Red Sox for another outfielder and 2 prospects. At this point, it’s safe to call the A’s the New York Islanders of baseball. Thank you for giving up on all hope, Oakland. Perhaps you’ll be joining the Islanders in Oklahoma in a few years.

The St. Louis Cardinals, as we all know, have lost Albert Pujols. Who is the big name that they replace him with? A hairy, dark mole. We mean, Carlos Beltran. May he rot in hell the day that he dies. Beltran and the Cardinals apparently agreed to the 2-year deal worth $26 million late last week. Beltran is getting closer and closer to us with each team move he makes. We were thankful when he left for San Francisco. The city’s across the country and we’ve already been to AT&T Park. Of course, we felt it would’ve been better if he relocated to Japan. Now he’s in the middle of the country. His proximity is becoming uncomfortable. Plus, we haven’t done our Kansas City/St. Louis tour yet. We’d been contemplating it for 2013. Now this plan may have to change.

Being it’s that time of year again where we’re both bored and antsy for the baseball season to get started, Serena tested our Facebook fans with a little trivia quiz. Identify the baseball-related movie that this quote came from (bonus points for identifying the individual who said it): “Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.” The first person to answer this correctly was TBB fan Daniel Perez. As a prize, Serena offered him TBB Super Hero of the Week honors. Since he hasn’t gotten back to us with a photo as of yet, Serena decided to go with someone she’s particularly fond of: Osi Umenyiora.

Lastly, we hope everyone had a fabulous and safe New Year! We’ll return to you with a proper TBB blog next Sunday for our first post of 2012.

All We Want for Christmas

A sh*t storm went down last week. Talk about a Wind of Change. We think that maybe this is what the Scorpions were singing about. The baseball offseason. Makes total sense now. With all of the changes going down, we asked which team you felt should earn the Most Improved Award. 6 of you felt that the Marlins’ aggressive purchases make them most improved for the 2012 season. 1 person felt that the addition of Albert Pujols and CJ Wilson made the Angels most improved and 1 person thought that the departure of Jose Reyes made the Mets the most improved. Not a single soul voted for the Arizona Diamondbacks. So sad.

Not much in terms of transactions happening this week. Maybe the MLB has taken time off to do their holiday shopping. Outfielder Michael Cuddyer signed a 3-year deal with the Rockies worth just over $31 million, but the Rockies won’t make the official announcement until Cuddyer passes his physical.

As expected, the Phillies resigned Jimmy Rollins with a contract worth $33 million over 3 years and includes a vesting option for the 4^th year.

Last year, we gave you our rendition of the “12 Days of Christmas” called “The 12 Days of Torture.” In the spirit of the holidays, we’d like to present you with our cover of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas.” It’s called “All We Want for Christmas.” We’re so creative, aren’t we?

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

(cue the silver bells)

We don’t want a lot for Christmas.

There’s just a couple of things we need.

We don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

We don’t need to throw our traitor jerseys

there within the fireplace.

Santa Claus won’t make us happy

with Carlos Beltran on Christmas Day.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Oh, we won’t ask for much this Christmas.

We won’t even wish to bid for Norichika Aoki

and we’re just gonna keep on waiting

for spring training.

We won’t make a list and send it

to New York City for Fred Wilpon.

We won’t even hold our breaths to

hear that the Yankees signed Roy Oswalt.

Cause we just want a team that wins

without giving us a bunch of douches.

What more can we do?

Baby, all we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved.

Oh, the Marlins are spending

money everywhere

and the sound of Mets fans

moaning fills the air.

And Angels fans are singing.

We don’t hear any change jingling.

Santa, won’t you bring us what we need?

Won’t you please give both of our teams a good year?

Oh, we don’t want a lot for Christmas.

This is all we’re asking for.

We just want to see our teams

in the playoffs next year.

We just want some players for our own

more than you could ever know.

Make our wish come true.

All we want for Christmas

is for our teams to be improved.

Improved, baby.

Thank you, New York! Goodnight! *Insert crowd going wild*

¡Hasta Luego, Carlos!

Randomly, we asked you if you’d want to see The Smurfs. Sadly, 3 of you think that it “literally looks like the dumbest movie made in the last 10 years.”2 of you want to see it because “they’re A-dorable!” We happen to agree with you!!

So…we received no feedback regarding our little Mad Libs we created for you last week. Did you not like it? We really did think you’d enjoy it!!! We’ve created a discussion panel on Facebook where you can share the results of your Mad Libs. If you do not have Facebook, please feel free to post your results in the Mad Lib's blog posting's comment section. We posted ours first so that you don’t feel foolish.      

The big news in New York (and maybe San Francisco) is the departure of Carlos Beltran. We apologize to our friends in the Bay Area for the lazy heap of garbage they’ve just received.

Top 10 Things We Will Not Miss About Carlos Beltran (or as Joe Morgan puts it, “Bell-trAHn!”)

1. His mole. It’s just grodie. Plus, he’s got so much money, it’s pretty much useless, he might as well spend it on mole removal. How does he know it’s not cancerous?

2. His clean uniform. Who wants an outfielder that refuses to make the extra effort to dive for a ball once in awhile? What about sliding into second base? C’mon, bro. Get a little dirty once in awhile. Show us you care.

3. His germs. The man brought PINK EYE into the clubhouse! PINK EYE! Do you have any idea as to how infectious that sh*t it??

4. “El Está Aquí,” the stupid song he came to the plate to at every single Mets home game since the day he arrived in Flushing, NY. How unimaginative could you possibly be that you can’t vary up your song season to season? We’re not asking game to game and we’re not even asking you to pick a song sung in English. Just pick another damn song!  

5. His graceful trot to first because he didn’t feel like running out a ground ball.

6. His pretty boy muscles because he’s just too pretty to play ball like a man

7. Him standing in the outfield like a statue instead of moving toward the ball that’s been hit in play or backing up his fellow outfielders

8. His incredibly ability to strike out when men are in scoring position…especially in important games

9. Getting secret surgery without discussing it with team management first. Like he works for the CIA or something.

10. His fragility. The man is practically made of paper-mâché. Every overly dramatic play he makes, he hurts his pinky toe or his vagina.  

We’d like to thank the San Francisco Giants for taking this man off of our island, therefore the entire San Francisco Giants organization is this week’s TBB Super Hero of the Week.

So without further delay, we close things out with, “Na na na na, hey, na na nana, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Goodbye…Carlos!”

Brian Smells Like a Monkey

Entering Week 4 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email. We understand that he may have a lot on his plate what with foot rehab and all, but c’mon, bro. If you’re not going to reply to us, find the time to at least shave your moustache.

Last week, we asked your thoughts about our torture strategy of sweater vest-wearing Brian. We wanted to know if we should continue prank calling Brian until the Fred K’s Cancer t-shirts were paid for. Of 13 individuals, 6 people felt that we should do it because, “Screw Brian. This is to support balls and mouth cancer!” Interesting choice of words, wouldn’t you say? Only 2 of you felt sorry for Brian because “What the hell did this Brian ever do to you?” These 2 votes probably belong to Brian and his girlfriend, so we feel that this data is biased and therefore, skewed. We’ll tell you what “this Brian” did to us. He stole 54 pictures of us for a PowerPoint presentation and did absolutely nothing with them as far as we can tell. He didn’t even share them with his business partner. Honestly, he probably just deleted the 4 emails we sent filled with our kick ass pictures because he’s lazy. 5 people simply wanted to know who Brian was. Who cares who Brian is? He wears sweater vests every day and steals photos of people. He can’t be trusted. That’s all you need to know. Just so you’re aware, we’ve got at least one definite sponsor (Ambelos Construction) and one other potential sponsor in our pockets. However, the shirts still aren’t fully paid for, sooooo…it looks like Brian’s getting a few more phone calls. If you know of a company who might like to sponsor us (and at the same time, save Brian), please email us so we can discuss the possibility. Oh and we’re now able to accept online donations so if you’d like to do your part to fight balls and mouth cancer, click here!

You may or may not have heard by now that the Traveling Baseball Babes have swallowed their pride and created a Twatting account. You kids call it “Twitter.” Feel free to follow us.

Next Sunday, we depart for Minneapolis. On that subject, we’ve noticed that no one has entered our “TBB Super Hero of the Week” Sweepstakes. Seriously, if no one enters this contest, we’ll be forced to grant super hero honors to Nicole’s dog, Mipisoula. Don’t make us do it. Email us your photo and the reason why you should be super hero and the best story wins. Don’t be a Mexi-can’t. Be a Mexi-can.

Baseball notes:
Justin Verlander may have failed to pitch back-to-back no-hitters, but think about how amazing Verlander’s accomplishment really is. He pitched 13 straight no-hit innings, Melky Cabrera breaking up the no-hitter with a 2-out RBI triple in the 6th. Verlander appears to be a rare species in this day and age of primadonna baseball players. We have no doubt that, like his counterparts, he’s playing ball in order to earn his enormous salary. However, unlike the majority of his counterparts, he tends to pitch late in the game, produces consistently, and rarely misses a start. We’re not saying that Verlander’s the only pure-blooded pitcher (or non-bitchy pitcher) left in the MLB, but he’s certainly one of the last remaining.

Carlos Beltran, among other things, is a disgusting man. He apparently woke up on Saturday with a “swollen right eye.” First, we asked ourselves what the F*CK does that mean? Does he have a tumor? Allergies? What? How does one’s eye swell? Oh, no. It turned out to be much worse. After Googling, we discovered that Beltran has a mild case of pink eye! And he’s at the ball park right now touching sh*t that his teammates touch. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? The Mets entire lineup is going to be infected with pink eye because Beltran is a f*cking a-hole! Gross! Gross! Gross!

ESPN and the like networks have been focusing on the Jorge Posada Saga this morning. If you haven’t heard already, before last night’s game against the Red Sox, Posada asked to be taken out of the lineup. He says that he, “needed time to clear his head” and that during batting and infield practice his back “stiffened up a little bit.” That seems to be a reasonable request, but there are other things not adding up. Prior to benching himself, Posada was moved to the 9th spot in the lineup. Both Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman claim to have known nothing about Posada’s stiffened back. Posada also insists that he didn’t bench himself because of his place in the lineup. Sounds like SOMEONE’S being a shady shaderson and hiding SOMETHING!