It’s All Very Historic

Tis’ the season for contract signings and player shuffling. Some teams, like the Phillies and Red Sox, have been making splashes in the news with their moves. Other teams (ahem, cough, the Mets, ahem, cough) haven’t done much at all. It is this lack of production by Mets management that prompted us to ask if you felt that they’re revamping the team in the best possible way. All 5 votes went to the TBB because if we ran the show, we “would’ve handled sh*t by now.” No one believed that management was doing okay since by 2020, the team was sure to be a playoff contender, but no one thought that the Mets needed to crack open the piggy bank and sign someone worth signing either. While we appreciate the vote of confidence, we’re pretty sure that the Mets just need to use their wealth for good instead of evil (or BS).

The big hullabaloo this week has been over Cliff Lee resigning with the Phillies. Shocking, not because he blew off the Yankees (c’mon…did anyone REALLY think he was coming here?), but because it was the stealth ninja Phillies who won the battle for less years (5 instead of 7) and less money ($30 MILLION less…not $30. $30 MILLION). One might think that Lee must really hate New York to make a decision like that. However, Lee claims that he’s got “nothing against New York” nor does he “fear New York.” He says that Philly is simply a better fit for him and his family (aka Mrs. Lee). Certainly a pitching rotation that includes Roy Halladay is infinitely more enticing than one comprised of a fickle AJ Burnett, potential retiree Andy Pettitte (regardless of his impressive resume), and CC Sabathia. Indeed, we’ll go so far as to say that Halladay is the best pitcher in the game right now and his accomplishments occurred predominantly while pitching for a team without any shot at the post season thanks largely to the dominance of the Red Sox and Yankees. All that aside, Mrs. Lee (and we know it WAS Mrs. Lee who flexed her influential “Good for the Family” muscles) is foolish to think she’ll find better-mannered fans in Philadelphia than in New York. If she found spitting on another person foul (and trust us, it IS foul and totally out of line), wait until someone pukes on a fellow fan just because (click here to read more).

Please understand that it’s not that we’re picking on him because we find Lee inherently douchey or anything like that (truly, we’re not sure that he IS douchey), but to refer to his new pitching staff as “historic” is a bit arrogant. Oh, yes. Halladay IS historic (or at least will be the day he steps down). While Lee is legitimately talented, he’s not Halladay. Had it been Halladay (not that this was an option for the Rangers, but hypothetically speaking) on the mound for Game 5 in the World Series, we’re pretty sure that the series would have gone to Game 6. That being said, does anyone think that Ted Williams described himself as “historic?” Did the players of Murderer’s Row take a look around at one point and say to themselves, “F’n A, Cotton. We’re HISTORIC?” No. These men played the friggin’ game and they did it well. People loved them. These are players that had an aura and a mystique about them that CREATED history. When players like Mickey Mantle and Lou Gehrig began to deteriorate before our very eyes, it was like watching magic fail. That’s why we still talk about them with such reverence. We don’t want to remember their deterioration because it breaks our hearts. We want to remember who they WERE and what they accomplished. Just like these historical and magical players before him, Halladay is something special to watch…even if slightly terrifying (especially on the night of a full moon). Lee doesn’t have it. Neither does Cole Hamels. And as tough as the Phillies rotation is, no one is going to build Mount Rushmore in their name.

Lastly, before anyone commends him for picking a team just to play the game instead of for their bank account, it should be noted that Lee’s hardly making peanuts to pitch for the Phillies. He’s still the 6th starting pitcher in history to garner a contract worth $100 million or more. Oh and Mrs. Lee? Enjoy the sports culture in Philadelphia. We’re confident you’ll find it…shocking enough to be considered art.

In other baseball news, the A’s signed designated hitter/outfielder Hideki Matsui to a 1-year deal and we’re really not sure why, but that’s not our concern. Sources claim that Rich Harden has agreed to return to the A’s with a 1-year deal, pending a physical. While Harden had a great run in his early years with Oakland, he had a pretty rough 2010 season with the Rangers, going 5-5 with a 5.58 ERA in 20 appearances. He managed to walk 62 batters in 92 innings. Eeeek! Reportedly, Bob Geren is planning on using Harden out of the bullpen, already having 4 solid starters and multiple options for a 5th.

The Commissioner announced on Wednesday that the minimum salary for an MLB player is rising by $14,000 to $414,000 year. This means that the lowest guy on the totem pole/roster is making at least $414,000/year to be the least productive guy on the team. Is there another career option that offers this kind of money? That’s completely insane. Why did we study and get good grades when all we had to do was be a male with athletic abilities? We feel so cheated.

The potential for a Christmas Miracle (also known as Carlos Beltran being traded to another team...or planet) has officially been squashed. On Thursday, when asked about trade rumors, Beltran said he'd only just heard about them when a cousin in Puerto Rico informed him. Do you not own a television or have internet? You get paid enough. He said that since he did not receive a call from his agent or the Mets, he assumes the reports are merely rumors. Beltran also claims that he only wants to play for the Mets in 2011. Sure he does. Who wouldn’t want a scenario where you don't have to produce anything, play below your ability, and remain on the DL while receiving an obscene paycheck?

While the Phillies landed Cliff Lee, the Yankees have signed former All Star pitcher Mark Prior to a minor-league contract with an invitation to spring training. Prior began his extremely promising career (even though he sported a ridiculously offensive Billy Goat-type Brazilian chin strip) with the Cubs, pitching alongside Kerry Wood and nearly winning the NL Cy Young in 2003 when he was only 22 years old. Unfortunately, injuries have since plagued the man and he hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2006. This is scary. The Red Sox sign big names like Adrian Beltre and Carl Crawford and you sign an injury-laden pitcher who may or may not be able to live up to his former glory. Yikes. If Prior performs well enough in spring training to earn a spot on the regular season roster, it’s still unclear as to whether he’ll be utilized as a starter or out of the bull pen. Our guts say that given his lack of playing time, he’ll have to be used as a reliever…at least at first. The Yankees have also officially announced that former Dodgers’ catcher Russell Martin will be their new full- time catcher. The contract is only for 1 year and worth $4 million with the expectation that his presence will help ease the transition between Jorge Posada and the prospect, Jesus Montero. Martin currently has a broken hip mending and a surgery scheduled for today to repair a torn meniscus. If these injuries heal as they should, Martin will take over duties as starting catcher. Um…but what if they don’t??? Posada has already been notified that he’d primarily serve as the team’s designated hitter, which definitely makes sense given the issues with his knees and losing his bat would be a detriment to the lineup. What is interesting about this scenario is what happened to Francisco Cervelli? We’d hate to see someone with his kind of heart get swept under the rug without any sort opportunity to fight. Everyone is still waiting for Andy Pettitte to make his decision about retirement. With the signing of Lee, the options for starting pitching are minimal and his decision is more important than ever now. If they’re only left with CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett as our big guns, Serena might jump in front of a bus.

Finally, a source told ESPN that Kerry Wood will be returning to the team that initially signed him in 1995, pending a physical with Cubs’ team doctors. The base salary is supposedly for $1.5 million for 1 year, but since the deal isn’t exactly complete, the details have yet to be worked out. Rumor has it that Wood rejected an offer from the White Sox that was worth twice as much as what the Cubs offered. The Yankees also apparently made Wood an offer (the specifics of it are unknown to us) that he declined and Serena feels a bit sad about this. He performed well for the Yankees out of the bullpen, especially when they needed him most and seemed like the rest of the bullpen was falling apart. However, if the rumor about the White Sox offer is true, it seems clear that Wood simply wanted to return “home” and we can respect that.

A few of you may recall Lisa’s obsession with the mini doughnuts she’d eaten at Pier 39 in San Francisco. She thought she’d never be reunited with them again, but our darling fan, Mamacita was amazingly awesome enough to package up some Pier 39 mini doughnuts and overnight them to Lisa’s house. Apparently, the stand that sells these tiny treasures is called Trish’s Mini Doughnuts, so if any of you are in the Pier 39 area, be sure to check it out. Her thoughtful gesture makes Mamacita TBB Super Hero of the Week!

With the holidays upon us, we leave you with our rendition of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. “Cliff Lee the ‘historic’ pitcher has a very uptight wife and if you ever saw her, you wouldn’t even know who she is. All of the other Phillies pitchers shouted out with glee for with the addition of Lee, they will go down in baseball history…at least so they think!”

Felix Halladay

During this recent post season, Jeff Francoeur offended generations of people’s private parts with his unattractive beard. Please don’t misunderstand us. We have nothing against beards or facial hair in general. What we have issues with is GROSS facial hair, particularly men who have furry woodland creatures growing on their faces! That being said, we were curious if you felt the same as we do about Jeff’s…hairy situation. Thankfully, of 9 people, 8 of you voted that Jeff should shave his beard “for the sake of the children.” 1 creepy individual apparently likes the fact that Jeff looks like Paul Bunyan. Jeff, if you’re the 1 person who voted in favor of your poor decision, you’re delusional. We love you. You’ve got a great arm and when you’re hitting, you’ve got some power under your belt, but jeez. No gustamos your beard. Stop pretending. You probably don’t like it either. It most likely itches and catches all of your meals.

Roy Halladay officially won the NL Cy Young Award on Tuesday, like there’s an f’n surprise. Did they even bother to vote on that matter or did they just hand it over to him? On the flip side of the coin, it was announced yesterday that Felix Hernandez of the Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award, beating CC Sabathia and David Price by a long shot. See? The Mariners can win things in the 2010 season! Yay! Felix Hernandez is the Super Hero of the Week for several reasons…all of them, we assure you, are good reasons and they make perfect sense. Let’s be serious. When have we ever NOT made sense? For starters, Felix won a Cy Young. Yay! Next, Roy has already been Super Hero this year and we’ve never even discussed Felix because he plays for a shitastic team. Also, he plays for a shitastic team and still managed to win the Cy Young (whereas Roy won his award playing for a jerkoff, yet talented team). Fourthly, we’re closing this week’s blog with a song dedicated to Roy and he can’t have everything! If that’s the case, we’d have to change our blog to www.royhalladay’stravelingbaseballbabes.blogspot.com. Our website address is long enough! Lastly, if we had made Tim Lincecum Super Hero of the Week, it would’ve not only been redundant (as his number is already retired on our blog AND he has an annual holiday in August, which is marked off on our company Outlook calendars on a recurring basis), but inappropriate as he did NOT win the Cy Young this year. Granted, he got something slightly sexier in the form of a World Series trophy and ring, but…that still doesn’t change anything.

Shockingly, the Marlins traded 2B, Dan Uggla to division rivals, the Braves in exchange for utility player Omar Infante and pitcher Mike Dunn. Money appears to be the main culprit for the Marlins unloading the All Star player, but nevertheless, we’re still a bit surprised by the move.

MLB Executive Vice President, Rob Manfred, said that adding more wild card teams to the 2011 season would be difficult because it would require a modification to the current labor contract, which will continue through the season? They’re more likely to consider this possibility for the 2012 season. Maybe they should just stop “thinking” because apparently when you pool the minds of selfish and rich dumbasses, you get brilliance like this. They need to stop comparing themselves to the NFL…unless of course, they’re considering instituting a salary cap and a better penal system like the NFL. Bud Selig has announced that a “special 14-man committee” will discuss the possibility of adding two more wild card teams in December during the winter meetings. Anyone else getting the sense that this terrible idea is definitely going to come to fruition whether we like it or not?

Finally, Hot Mama Erin's birthday was on Wednesday and we'd like to wish her a happy, happy birthday! Lurve you!

In honor of Roy Halladay, we leave you with a charming little ditty that goes as something like this: “He’s the hairy-handed gent, who ran amuck in Philly. Lately he’s been overheard in Florida. Better stay away from him, he’ll strike you out, Jim. We’d like to meet his tailor. Ah-oooooooooooooooh. Werewolves of Philly.”

Got No Guts, Got No Glory

To kick off the Championship series last week, we asked you to predict the outcome of the series. Who will be battling for MLB supremacy next week? 9 people voted, a surge in responses happening rather late, which makes us suspect that you waited to see how the first games would play out before deciding. Cheaters. Initially, readers favored a repeat of last year’s World Series, the first 2 votes going to the Yankees and Phillies. 1 lone reed went with a Rangers/Phillies series. However, as the Rangers and Giants repeatedly flashed their might, the voting tide changed. 4 people went with a Giants/Rangers World Series. 2 people think that the Yankees still have some spunk left in them and picked a Giants/Yankees series. We’d like to think that you’re right.

It’s not surprising that the Phillies had been the heavy favorite with their powerful offense and an intimidating pitching staff that includes Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels, and Brad Lidge. While the Giants aren’t sending a bunch of hacks to the mound, their offense does not flex the same muscle as the Phillies. That being said, the Bay Area Boys have proved that they will not go gently into that good night, just as Dylan Thomas once wrote. It is the Giants that have out-performed the Phillies this week, with the exception of a few defensive miscues last night in Game 5. Despite the loss, the Giants displayed character in that they continued to fight back against Roy Halladay, who’d injured his groin earlier in the game, pushing the score to 3-2. On several occasions, the Giants had men in scoring position and failed to produce. On Halladay basically pitching on one leg, Jayson Werth said, “he’s a man.” Well, Jayson, we’re thrilled to see that there’s at lease one man playing professional baseball these days. So, Roy? Super Hero of the Week goes to you for being a MAN. You rock that testosterone like a champ, Roy.

We’re sure you’re going to expect us to rant about the asinine behavior of the Yankees thus far and trust us. We want to. We knew these games would be tough (though Lisa strongly felt that the Yankees would have no problem dealing with the Rangers whereas Serena was not as confident), but the Yankees (with the exception of Games 1 and 5) seemed to have been content to roll over and get their tummies scratched instead of manning up and playing the game the way they’re meant to. Despite all of that BS, it’s AJ, we’d like to focus on. Dear, sweet, dinosaur-loving AJ. That friggin’ NTAC. What kind of man takes the heart you trustingly offer to him and flushes it down the toilet? WHAT KIND OF MAN, we ask you! He started the first 5 innings off fantastic and then BAM! 3-run home run. Game completely blown. Look of utter dejection on his face, which we’re becoming way too accustomed to seeing. Anger, resentment, disappointment reining in the Bronx. This is so typical of him! He’s always been great at foreplay and terrible at the main event. Now he gets absolutely no visitation rights for Winkie. He needs to go to pitching rehab before we can even consider allowing him to see Winkie again. It’s baffling behavior like this that makes us want to drink more.

At least both Championship series have set up a Game 6 (though technically, if the Yankees hadn’t been playing like such NTAC’s, the ALCS might not have gotten to this ridiculous nail-biting stage), do or die situations for the defending American League and National League champions. So far, the weekend matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (8:07 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (3:57 pm/FOX)
Game 7 (if necessary…and it BETTER BE)
Cliff Lee/Andy Pettitte (8:07 pm/TBS)

Sunday
Game 7 (if necessary…and it better NOT be! Giants need to clean house!)
Cole Hamels/Matt Cain (7:57 pm/FOX)

Joe Girardi has announced that CC Sabathia is available out of the bull pen, should Phil Hughes run into trouble tonight. An interesting, but understandable decision given how the bullpen has butchered the first two games played at Yankees Stadium. The concern lies in how utilizing Sabathia in this way could effect his performance in the World Series should it come to that. Granted, you have to first win the Championship series in order to get to the Fall Classic (learn to walk before you fly, if you will), but one still has to wonder.

Nick Swisher has been quoted as being fed up about the questions regarding Cliff Lee pitching Game 7. Even Josh Hamilton has briefly expressed frustration over questions of that nature. We don’t blame them. Game 6 has to be played first before a Game 7 thought can bubble to the surface. While Cliff Lee is indeed a formidable foe, one man isn’t going to win a baseball game (this isn’t tennis, ya know) and there isn’t a better man to go toe to toe with Lee in a Game 7 situation than Andy Pettitte. Love us some of that big Texan hunk of man. CC Sabathia might be the “Ace” of the Yankees’ staff, but Andy’s the Big Game man. Always has been.

The series has been split between being broadcast on TBS and FOX. We know that many of you are not from the Long Island area and have been able to enjoy both stations without any complications. Unfortunately, Cablevision customers on Long Island have had to deal with the greed of wealthy network executives and scramble to find ways to see their FOX sports and television shows like House, The Unit, and 24. Newscorp has pulled FOX and UPN9 (like anyone cares about that station) from the air like selfish a-holes while they unyieldingly negotiate an obscene contract with Cablevision. As a result, the New York Giants/Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings/Dallas Cowboys games on Sunday and many of the playoff games have not been aired on Cablevision televisions, forcing customers to either crash at non-Cablevision households or frequent sports bars. Cablevision customers have also been blocked from viewing these programs on the FOX website, which is complete garbage as that is a free service that FOX has provided to viewers. “Coincidentally,” both stations were pulled the day of the NLCS Game 1, forcing us to miss the fantastic Lincecum/Halladay duel. Serena had to watch Terminator Salvation instead. Not that she entirely minded it. Christian Bale and Sam Worthington? Yes, please. But that is not the point! It’s the principle of the matter. We’d been dreaming of a pitching duel like that all friggin’ season and those wealthy, stick-up-the-ass, a-holes denied us that privilege! Thankfully, Serena works with Tom, an amazing genius, who managed to find a website called channelsurfing.net that broadcast the Giants game and all of the MLB playoffs. Granted, watching sports on a laptop isn’t the sexiest, but it beats waiting for Gamecast to refresh with each play. Had it not been for Halladay’s ballsy pitching performance, Serena might have pushed for Tom being Super Hero of the Week.

Shocking that there’d be anything to talk about other than the playoffs, but we do happen to have a baseball note for you this week. Third baseman, Brandon Inge and the Tigers have agreed to a 2-year, $11 million contract with a team option for the 2013. The option year calls for a $6 million salary for a $500,000 buyout. This season, Inge had an American League-best 97.7 fielding percentage among third basemen and we all know how much Serena loves a good defenseman.

Taio Cruz closes us out with “we throw our hands up in the air sometimes, saying Yankees gotta let’s go. We wanna celebrate another year, saying Yankees, baby let’s go. Cause we gonna rock this club, we gonna go to Game 7, we gonna light it up like its dynamite.”

Things We Learned in France

Bonjour, fellow sports fans! We’re finally back in the bright Etats Unis and while we enjoyed ourselves abroad, we’re happy to be home. You’ve been without a blog from us for two straight weeks, so our poll specifically asked if you’d miss us while we were away. Somehow in two weeks, there were only 8 respondents, but we’ll let that one go. What we can’t let go is that 1 person actually voted, “Uh…how do I say this in the nicest way possible? No.” Do we even have to say what you are? Do we? Thankfully, 5 people genuinely like us and wait with bated breath for every Friday post. 2 people, in typical TBB fan fashion, agreed that they’d miss us, but only if we brought them back a beret. While we can appreciate the fact that you need to be bribed in order to miss us, you must insane if you think that we’re encouraging this behavior by buying you presents. Especially a 9 euro beret. That’s like $12 for a stupid-looking hat. A stupid-looking hat that we only saw tourists wearing in Paris. Get lost. We released a great sigh of relief at the fact that no one voted for us losing our passports because it would be “hilarious.” You know what? That wouldn’t be hilarious. That would be f-ed up and terrifying. Haven’t you seen Brokedown Palace? Granted, Kate Beckinsale and Claire Danes didn’t lose their passports, but they still ended up in a creepy foreign prison for an inordinate amount of time. Plus, we gotta be honest with you. We don’t know anyone who’d be willing to bail us out.  

       

So we missed almost all of the Division Series and you may think that we have nothing stimulating to tell you this week, but you’re wrong. We must say that we learned quite a lot while in France and we feel the need to impart this information on to you so that you can become more cultured and intelligent individuals. 

1.     Roy Halladay pitched a no hitter. Wow. You must be shocked that we’d been able to find this out while in France, a country notorious for hating everything American (turns out, this rumor is actually true), but we got this tid bit from the scrolling marquee of CNN. Major props to Roy in his playoff debut and to CNN for being the mother load of news and information.

2. Timmmmmmmmmmmy threw 14 strikeouts in the Giants 1-0 shutout of Derek Lowe and the Braves. How did we find this one out? At a very congested internet spot located in the lobby of our hotel in lovely Bayeux.

3. AJ Burnett did not make the ALDS pitching rotation. This was learned at an Internet Café in Rouen, in which we had to pay 2 euros for 20 minutes of internet surfing. We cheered (even though Auntiedukes admitted that AJ “had been her boy.” Ours too, Auntie. Ours too). The locals surrounding us were confused.

4. While they’d eventually succumb to the Rangers, it turned out that the Rays have a lot of fight in them (as if anyone had doubt), overcoming a 2 game deficit to force the series to Game 5.

5. You may be told before visiting Paris that the subway system is so easy that Manny Ramirez could figure it out. It’s true that the maps are very easy to read and understand, but the kiosks selling metro passes are NOT. For starters, Paris appears to be in the Stone Ages when it comes to kiosk technology. Majority of the kiosks are not touch screen. They LOOK like they’re touch screen, but we assure you that they’re not. Press the screen all you want. Nothing happens. We know this because Serena tried to use the “touch screen” repeatedly until an annoyed Parisian pushed her out of the way in order to demonstrate how to use the machine. In fact, not only are they not touch screen, they have a retarded, non-descript black wheel for scrolling through menus and the buttons are on the side of the screen. Paris, if you migrate to touch screens, you can do away with the stupid wheel AND buttons. Way more efficient. Think about it. Also, we’re not go into about why we feel this way, but the RER is asinine. Trust us. We know from experience.

6. When traveling on an evening Seine River Cruise, you might feel the urge to rub your girlfriend’s ass and then finger it, but you refrain because you’re in public and you’re scared that behavior like that is inappropriate. You’d be mistaken. Rest assured that this behavior is not only appropriate, it’s also encouraged. Take the couple we witnessed during our cruise. There was no shame or attempt to hide the fingering. Lingering was involved while we, instead of watching the beautifully lit scenery passing us by, gawked at the butt-play unfolding before us.

7. Auntiedukes is an awesome good time and full of clever quips that deserve quoting such as, “Would you say,” “Do I turn here? I think we do. I’m turning,” and “I know where we are. Marie Antoinette’s Estate (never mind the fact that the entire area was Marie Antoinette’s Estate).” You should really consider taking her on vacation with you. You’ll enjoy her.

8. Traffic circles. If you don’t know where to turn, the best course of action is to continue driving around the traffic circle until you can come to a decision. Choose poorly and you end up 45 minutes out of your way because there’s no easy way to turn around.

9. Traffic in Paris may be slightly worst than Los Angeles. We can’t commit to this because it would require more careful research, but based on what we’ve experienced while visiting Erin and The Favorite in Los Angeles and our journey from Mont St. Michel into Paris, we think that Paris takes the cake here. Going forward, whenever we’re sitting in rush hour and are about to drive our cars into a concrete divider out of frustration, we’ll recall our time in Paris and realize that it’s not so bad.

10. Don’t bitch about gas prices. It cost Auntiedukes 60 euros to fill up a car smaller than the Ford Focus. That’s approximately $80 to fill up a 15 gallon gas tank.

11. Parisians really are as rude as the stereotypes imply.

12. Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel were fired. Mama L. informed us of this when Lisa made one of her check-in phone calls to the parentals in order to notify them that we hadn’t seen any terrorists yet.

13. The French get pissed off when the government raises their retirement age from 60 to 62. Are you friggin’ kidding? Americans retire when they’re dead. Just one reason why France had to be bailed out in both World Wars. The French don’t work.

14. Lisa pronounces “Merci” like “Messy.”

15. The Yankees shockingly swept the Twins. We say shockingly because we really felt that the Twins would put up a fight. How did we learn this? Good ole’ CNN again.

The Championship series is upon us and since we’re back in this country, we’ll actually be able to watch the games! We hope that these games are just as good as the ones we tragically missed. So far the pitching matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
CJ Wilson/CC Sabathia (8 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (4:00 pm/TBS)
Roy Halladay/Tim Lincecum (7:30 pm/FOX)

Sunday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (8 pm/FOX)

Monday
Andy Pettitte/Cliff Lee (8 pm/TBS)

Tuesday
Matt Cain/Cole Hamels (4 pm/FOX)
AJ Burnett/Tommy Hunter (8 pm/TBS)

Wednesday
TBD/TBD (4 pm/TBS)
Madison Bumgarner/Joe Blanton (7:30 pm/FOX)

Neil Diamond closes us out with, “Got a dream that the Yankees will win. The Tbb is back in America. Got a dream we want to share. The TBB is back in America.”

Happy Holidays

We apologize for being a little late this week as Serena (the person responsible for posting our notes on time) was running so late for Christmas dinner that she forgot to post our blog. : / Sorry!

That being said, since we are in holiday mode, we’re only going to post the results from the poll and our baseball notes. Last Friday, we asked you which team had performed the best with off season acquisitions to date. The question only garnered 4 votes. We fear we’re losing you folks. The total vote results keep getting smaller and smaller. The winning choice with a pitiful 2 votes was, “The TBB. You ladies will definitely get a picture with TOWSNBN soon enough.” This must be because you feel guilty about the time you chose to put us on a TV show only if we were played by Alyssa Milano and Jessica Simpson. We can see right through you like a pane of glass. You cannot fool us. Only 1 person thought that the Mariners led the pack by signing Cliff Lee. After all, look what he did for the Phillies. 1 moron actually voted for the Mets. We’re not even giving you the satisfaction of making fun of you. No one voted for the Phillies and their acquisition of Roy Halladay, which we find a bit strange, but…to each his own.

On Tuesday, the Yankees rocked the boat a bit by signing RHP Javier Vazquez and LHP Boone Logan from the Atlanta Braves in exchange for OF Melky Cabrera, LHP Michael Dunn, RHP Arodys Vizcaino, and cash considerations. In further Team Jacob news, Roy Halladay took out a full-page newspaper advertisement thanking the city and the team’s fans. He is quoted as saying, “Toronto will forever have a special place in my heart. The memories will last a lifetime and so will my gratitude.” Roy—you stay classy in Philly. Serena apologizes for making fun of you for being a werewolf. That was rude. Nick Johnson’s contract as the Yankees’ new DH has been finalized. It gives Johnson $5.5 million next season and includes a $5.5 million mutual option with a $250,000 buyout. He can also earn $1 million annually in performance bonuses. Why don’t they have jobs like this posted on Monster.com?
Finally, we hope all of our readers have a healthy, happy holiday!

Dear David Part 2

Last week, you had another solo affair with Lisa because Serena headed overseas for her own version of Vicky, Christina, Barcelona. Apparently, Javier Barden is not the run of the mill guy over there. Talk about false advertisement. While she was out of commission, Lisa asked if you considered yourselves band wagon fans. Only 5 of you answered the call. Thankfully, all 5 were smart enough to answer, “No way. Do I look like a NTAC? All of my blood, sweat, and tears have gone into my team whether or not they suck hard core.” We’re so proud of you for picking the best answer available to you. The other options (which if any of you had chosen them, you would’ve been ridiculed mercilessly for) offered were, “Yes. My favorite team is whoever is currently in first place or the World Series Champions” and “Maybe. I did just recently hang up my pirate’s patch and hat in order to sport a Phillies Cheesesteak hat.”

Two weeks ago, we wrote TOWSNBN a letter asking for forgiveness and a meeting at FAO Schwartz on Tuesday, December 15th at 2:00 pm. He didn’t show (or we may have missed him because we were admittedly, a bit late), so we’re writing him a follow up letter.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It’s us again. So…obviously you didn’t meet us at FAO like we requested. Either you really can’t stand us or you think we stood you up because we were about 50 minutes late for our date. We’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you had shown up and we missed you. Allow us to explain. For the second time in our adult lives, we attempted to ice skate. This might not sound like a big deal to a super star athlete such as yourself, but for years, we’ve visited Wolman Rink in Central Park with the intention to ice skate, only to chicken out at the last second. From 2-2:30 pm on the date of our rendezvous with destiny, we skated like slow pokes around Wolman Rink. We accomplished 4 laps in 30 minutes, only managing to fall once each. This, we feel, is quite the feat. It then took us another 20 minutes to change out of our ice skates and into our boots, and the race frantically from the park to the entrance of FAO. Unfortunately, the only person to greet us was an elderly gentleman dressed in a toy soldier’s outfit and carrying a Cookie Monster doll. Which is kind of weird now that we think about it.

We searched everywhere for you. High and low. Including the Harry Potter Zone.
Among the baseball memorabilia.
Even within the elephant herd (which Serena had to sneak into, mind you).
Finally, we had to give up the fight. We hope that we being late simply deterred you from meeting us. We apologize for our tardiness and our inconsideration for your valuable time. We’d like to make it up to you (though technically, you should’ve known we’d be late. We’re always late). We can’t take you out to dinner because we’re poor (hello, we’re saving recyclables to deposit for spare change in order to help pay for our stadium trip to LA next year), but we’d still like to have the opportunity to prove our amazing senses of humor to you. We’re quite funny together. Not separately, mind you. But together, we’re a riot. A regular slap stick comedic duo.

We will be in the city again during the second week in January. If you email us, we will arrange for a specific date, place, and time where to meet. We don’t want to broadcast this information on our blog because we don’t want to encourage stalkers. After all, we did risk our lives to publish the failed FAO meeting place and time. All for you, TWOSNBN.

We are going to repeat our promises and threats from our last letter should you email us or fail to comply with our request by the beginning of January:

“We’ll immediately remove the title of “TOWSNBN” and only give you good publicity from here on out. We may even retire your number on our blog. To date, we only have one player in our TBB Hall of Fame, so that would be quite the accomplishment.”

Or…

“However, if you do not show up, you will be stricken from TBB record for life, we’ll stop cheering for you at games, we will never vote for you to go to the All Star Game ever again, Lisa will buy a new Mets jersey, and she will burn all of her merchandise with your face, name, and number on it. Trust us, that’s a lot of Mets memorabilia. It could be the size of a bonfire. Don’t let this happen, David! Save your Golden Boy reputation! Pose for a picture with the TBB.”

TOWSNBN, this will be our last point of contact on friendly terms. The next letter, if you fail to accommodate us, will not be kind. And it will be the last letter you will receive from us. Which might actually make you really happy.

As usual, Happy Holidays!

Sincerely,
The Traveling Baseball Babes

Now on for legitimate baseball-related news: today’s baseball notes! By now, we’re sure you’ve already heard that Chien-Ming Wang became a free agent on Saturday when the Yankees failed to offer him a contract for next season. Supposedly, he is “disappointed.” Well, c’mon, dude! What have you done for the team for the past two seasons other than be injured? Why would they re-sign you? And you should be “disappointed.” You’ll probably end up playing for a team like the Royals now. What you may not have heard, unless you’re an A’s fan, is that the A’s failed to offer Jack Cust a contract for next season as well. This hit home for the TBB in particular because when we traveled to McAfee Coliseum, our free giveaway was a Jack Cust bobblehead. He still sits proudly on our desks at work. In a crazy, multiple player trade, Cliff lee landed with the Seattle Mariners, while the Phillies scored the illustrious and highly coveted Roy Halladay. Halladay will reportedly receive $20 million/year in 2011, 2012, and 2013. His extension includes a $20 million vesting option for 2014 based on innings pitched, games started, or both. Not bad for a man who bats for “Team Jacob” simply based on supporting his own kind. Finally, the Red Sox hit big. On Wednesday, outfielder, Mike Cameron and pitcher, John Lackey were introduced to Fenway Park. Cameron agreed to a 2 year, $15.5 million deal while Lackey signed a 5 year, $82.5 million contract.

Chicago described our angst perfectly, when Peter Cetera crooned the following lyrics, “It’s hard for the TBB to say we’re sorry. We just want you to know. Take a picture with us now and we really will tell you we’re sorry.”