Take a Chance on Me

It’s been a while fellow earthlings. Oh the things we have seen here well at least here in the east coast. We survived the horrible Hurricane Sandy which affected so many of us in different ways. Some worse then others but the nice thing about us New Yorkers that in a time of need we will all come together to help one another out and then we will curse you out at a later date and time. Among the sh*t the TBB endured was no power, outrageous gas lines, damage to our homes, being subjected to eat Ramen noodles every night and to top it all off a freak a** snow storm. We hope that in the following weeks that Serena and the many others without power get there electricity back and to the people that lost so much more we hope that things start to get better for you and life can return to whatever normal is considered.

 Let’s go ahead and discuss the poll results way back from Halloween we asked you “Were the TBB robbed during the Halloween Contest? Five of you voted. Only 5! We could go on to say that it was maybe because of the power outage and a lot of people had no internet access but we realized that no one around here likes us. *Sigh* Well if you did vote you should of noticed that any choice you picked would have been acceptable to us because every choice had a Yes in it. It was just a matter of how you wished to say it. We tricked you!! Not just hat racks we are. Well played TBB, well played. 

Today I will be rambling genius nonsense all alone. Serena is in DR on a well deserved vacation. I hope while she is down there she finds my luggage that the airport neglected to find when I went down to DR in April of this year. Have no fear just like the referees in football had replacements I have acquired a replacement Serena to sit and blog with me and more importantly wear Serena’s clean Giants jersey (we had to wash our jerseys because the Giants played like a pack of assclowns with no arms last week and lost) so our juju does not get discombobulated and they can win. Her replacement does not say much and she can’t figure out how to hold a beer yet. Another thing is she is always smiling which is kind of creeping  me out.

Trying to dig up some news worthy baseball notes in the offseason is difficult, but I did manage to find some. I imagine that all of you think that this blog is going to be about the departure of Jason Bay from the Mets. Word came out that both sides decided to go there separate ways. Cue in some Celine Dion music. The two sides negotiated an early expiration to his contract which had a minimum of one year and $21 million remaining. The Mets can pay him that over time and with that gaining them a measure of pay roll flexibility. Ahem sign WRIGHT AND DICKEY NOW PLEASE THANK YOU. (That message was approved and paid for by one half of the TBB). Back to Bay, as a Mets fan I never disliked him as a person and I really did feel bad for his lack of production and concussion prone ways. I wanted to bid farewell to him on a high note and maybe reminisce and make a list of his top plays as a Met but when I sat and really thought about it the only thing I could think of was that he wore number 44 well. Bye Jason it’s been real!  

Remember David Ross from the Atlanta Braves that we met on my Birthday when we went to the Mets vs. Braves game. Click here to jog your memory. Well he signed a two year, 6.2 million dollar deal with The Red Sox. The deal is still pending upon a physical. Maybe now since he is closer we can take him up on that cookout he suggested.

There were a total of eight free agents who declined deals before last Friday’s deadline. Among the eight are Adam Laroche, Hiroki Kuroda, Nick Swisher, Josh Hamilton, Michael Bourne, BJ Upton, Kyle Lohse and Rafael Soriano. They all received qualifying offers from there most recent team. Any team that now signs them will have to forfeit a draft pick as compensation. This is something to think about for the teams that are in the market to acquire players this offseason.

So remember before how I said I wanted to make a list but I didn’t because nothing came to mind. Well I am going to make a list for you today! It kind of has to do with baseball but not so much. Are you as curious as the TBB are as to why TOWSNBN continues to give Lisa the silent treatment and shun her like a leper? Today I am making a list of legit reasons why TOWSNBN should finally take a chance on me. (A picture with him is what I strive to get but I think once he reads these amazing facts something more will grow out of that relationship and I’m ok with that.) If there are any new readers please check out the TBB lingo &Cronies section to find out who we are talking about.

1- Lisa has boobs.They are a nice handful so she is told and are real no need to worry about exploding silicon if things get rough.

2- Lisa is Italian so she knows how to stuff a sausage.
3- Back to ethnicity although she is a 100% Italian she is mistaken for every form of Latin nationality there is. Just think of how cool you will look it the locker room bragging to Daniel Murphy and Ruben Tejada that you have a Latin Lover. No one needs to know the truth.
4-Lisa changes her hair color almost every three months as of last Thursday she was a blonde now she is a brunette who knows what the next three months will bring. It’s like dating a different chick every three months. You will never get bored. Play on player.
5- Lisa is very charitable. She is Vice President of Fred K’s Cancer and does 5k’s for all sorts of charities so your image won’t tarnish.
6- Furthermore hanging out with Lisa is enough charity in itself you would never have to do another charity event again and I am sure you could write off in taxes everything she eats and that’s a lot.
7- You tend to look as inconsistent with a workout regimen as Lisa is so it won’t matter if you if she pumps iron or decides to go to Taco Bell and treat Serena on your dime. You might want to consider buying stock in Taco Bell.
8-When Lisa does exercise she is a professional in Cardio Kickboxing so it’s like your own personal body guard she will jab, cross, upper anyone who seems to be a threat to you. She also does Zumba. Those moves can come in handy if you get my drift. The hips don’t lie
9- Lisa comes from a long line of child bearing women so have no fear the Wright name will go on.
10- Lisa is a Traveling Baseball Babe that’s a quasi celebrity.
11-Lisa is not super hot so you will never have to worry about her leaving you for another baseball player and look at what props you will get for hanging with a not so attractive girl. It will do well for your golden boy imagine.
12- Lisa is poor she always has been poor so if this shit does not work out she has no problem going back to being poor she also does not read things when she signs them so there’s a pretty good chance you will not only be keeping your fortune but her house , clothes and parents as well.
13- Lisa was roofied so she knows what that feels like and will constantly be watching your drinks for any slips.
14- Lisa only hangs out with hilarious people (Serena) The two of them are EPIC and will have you laughing your chubby thighs off all the time.

I think he will finally cave in this year after reading this. Don’t worry I will blog all about the magical night. Well I need to go. I have to finish watching this horrible Giants game and I am pretty confident Serena’s replacement is trying to kill me. Two more things one is the Asshole of the week without saying if you live where the hurricane hit hard is LIPA and the Super hero of the week is all the Veterans who served our country. We thank you and continue to thank the ones that are currently serving as well. Hope you enjoyed our alone time together next week the dynamic duo will be reunited.

ALCS Game #2 2012: Yankees vs. Tigers

Last week, we asked you what your favorite part about our ALDS experience was. No one chose the fratada or PINK loves the Yankees. Okay, so PINK wasn’t very funny, but that fratada sh*t totally was. You guys suck. As always. 2 of you actually chose our grotesque eating habits. You’ve got to be kidding us. Seriously??? That is so disappointing. 1 person chose “Wood.” That was funny also, but why did only 1 individual choose it? There’s only 1 pervert in this bunch? We’re starting to think that we have nothing in common with you people.

Anyway, onto to the purpose of this blog. Our delightful experience at Game 2 of the ALCS. Obviously, we know how this story ends for the Yankees. They sucked penis. They couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat. The sad thing is that for the most part, their pitchers kept the Yankees in the game, but when your starting pitcher makes 1 lousy mistake and gives the opposite team a run, that can’t be it. You NEED to give your pitchers some wiggle room.1 run can’t be a death sentence. It’s not fair to your pitcher. Or the fans that paid a lot of money to get drunk at your game. You’re suffocating your pitcher and now you’re suffocating your fans. Don’t suffocate us, man! Oh, and by the way? We’re at a bar drinking right now as we blog.

We arrived at Yankees Stadium with enough time to grab a beer at Stan’s. The placed was packed out, but the bartender was the very definition of efficient and he serviced us like a mother f*cking champion. We drank our beers near the doorway to make room for the customers still pouring into the bar.

Since we only had about 15 minutes before first pitch, we sucked our beers down. And when we say “sucked down,” we mean that we literally couldn’t have drank our beers any faster unless we drank them with a straw. From Stan’s, we jogged across the street to Yankees Stadium, sped walked up the billion ramps to our section (no stairs. We learned our lesson from the Damon Runyon 5K), purchased a pair of hot dogs and beers, and headed to our seats just in time for first pitch. Side note: we’ve decided that these are the best seats ever. Look at this friggin’ view. It’s perfect:

Nothing was obstructed from these seats, except for Nick Swisher, but seeing as how he played like a total douche nozzle this postseason, we really didn't want to see much of him to begin with. We want these seats for every single game we attend at Yankees Stadium. We do not care if these belong to season ticket holders. We demand that Section 305, Row 3, Seats 14 and 15 be issued to us. Don’t the Yankees know who we are?

Our hot dogs were pretty good. Not as good as a sausage, but tasty nevertheless. What can we say? We were on a budget. Money was tight and we pretty much spent 90% of our cash on beer. We’ve got our priorities in order.

Our pitching matchup was Hiroki Kuroda and Anibel Sanchez. This was disappointing because Serena still felt strongly that we deserved The Big Texan and the Yankees purposefully blew it in the ALDS just to piss us off and prevent us from having quality time with Andy Pettitte. Those f*cks.

Oh! And we should mention that Derek Jeter had hurt his footie the night before so we were surrounded by a lot of a-holes carrying signs like this:

Like Derek Jeter really gives a sh*t that you wish him well. Stupid. What’s worse is that this pair is clearly a couple of some sort. When you’re in a couple, it’s someone’s job to make the appropriate decisions for that couple. It could be the man or the woman. SOMEONE needs to make the right choices. When you show up to a stadium with an asinine sign like this, it means that both of you are a-holes. Neither of you have any decision-making skills. One of you needed to say, “seriously, babe? This is asstastic. Can we not do this? We’re gonna look stupid.” Clearly these two would not survive in the great outdoors. They look like giant pansies.

Not much action happened until the 7^th, but prior to that, the only man who had been consistently performing, Raul Ibanez, walked with Mark Teixeira on base in the bottom of the 1^st. The Yankees would go on to do nothing to capitalize on this scenario, but the jumbotron flashed this gem on the screen:

We found him dressed in a pimp outfit to be particularly amusing. Amusing enough to take a picture of it. In our defense, there was nothing else to amuse us by this point. The score was 0-0.

While the Yankees trudged slowly through the game like a man in a desert without water, we continued to check the Giants/49er’s score. Another side note: Who schedules a MLB Championship game at 4:00? This directly interfered with football Sunday as we had to leave with enough time to get the train to Yankees Stadium, causing us to miss both the Jets AND Giants games. PLUS, the Giants game turned out to be epic whereas the Yankees game turned out to be a dud!!!! We supported both our Yankees and GMEN:

The men in front of us heard us talking about the football game and assumed that Serena was the keeper of football scores, so at his request, she had to keep checking her NFL app for score updates to appease them. We discussed being a part of a pick em’ league. Which teams did you pick, etc., etc., and why? The men agreed with Serena that her league being all about “The Spread” was horse shit. What is “The Spread” anyway? Who came up with that? It sounds like an STD. The little kid hanging out with them really enjoyed Serena’s R2D2 text tone and other assorted Star Wars sounds that can be found on her phone. Serena tried to eat his ice cream, but the kid wasn’t having it. Selfish little crab. He had an entire pint and he couldn’t spare ONE lousy spoonful? That seems a bit ridiculous, if you ask us. Ridiculous and a touch selfish.

In the 7^th, the Tigers scratched a run across, spelling inevitable doom. 1 run? With the way this offense had been hitting? Might as well have been 4,000 to 0. Around this time, Serena came up with a pet name for Alex Rodriguez, Curtis Granderson, and Nick Swisher. Since they were as useful as tits on a bull, Serena started calling them the “0 (pronounced “O”) for Triplets.” Lisa found this funny enough to actually make a note about it in “The Notebook.”

A few rows in front of us sat a man that we’d never, ever consider dating. Want to know why? No? You don’t. Tough. We’re going to tell you. It’s our blog. So there. This man was an embarrassment to testosterone. He saved bits of his pretzel like a squirrel. What kind of man can’t finish a f*cking pretzel? It’s not even that big. And if you don’t eat it while it’s warm, it get hard and icky. Hard…hahaha…that’s what she said. Sorry. Easily distracted. And we’ve been drinking. Back to the vagina who calls himself a man. Not only did he save bits of his pretzel, but he stored his bits in his pocket like a total creeper!!! Tell us that this doesn’t look like a flasher with his penis sticking out of his fly:

C’mon! That’s definitely a little penis poking through! So disturbing.

In the bottom of the 9^th with 2 outs and the Yankees down by 3, Alex Rodriguez hit a single and stole second. For absolutely no reason except for maybe his health. The Yankees lost 3-0. Like a pack of a-holes. After the game, we went to the bar and continued to drink. This is Lisa playing baseball with a little boy:

Super hero of the week: Alex Rodriguez for getting digits while at work. Good for him! Multi-tasking at its best!!!

A-hole of the week: The Yankees, not for losing, but for getting swept. Really, guys???

Yankees Opening Day 2012

April 13, 2012 

I have to start this post with a quasi-related, but not-really-related statement. When Lisa and I go to the Yankees game on May 19^th, I need to take her to Billy’s Bar. I’m pretty sure that I’ve discovered a guido dumping ground. Dark spiked haired, olive-skinned fist pumpers galore. It’s like a buffet of all of Lisa’s favorite things. It was a little scary. I am running the risk of losing her forever if I bring her here. She may get sucked into the black hole of tanned skin, Italian-themed tattoos, gold chains, and open-collared shirts and then I’ll be stuck walking over to Yankees Stadium and watching The Boys take on the Reds by myself. Anyone willing to travel into the Bronx with us on the very real chance that I may have an extra ticket? Let me know.

Back to the whole purpose of this post. Baseball. Opening Day. All good stuff. Mamadukes bought our tickets for Opening Day as my birthday gift, but the actual purchase was done by me. As in, “go onto StubHub and find tickets. I’ll give you the money.” I picked two tickets that felt like a happy medium in terms of cost and location, but I didn’t really have any idea as to where they were being that they were in a section I’d never sat in before. We drove into the game and parked at a nearby mall. “Event Parking” cost us $30, but for some reason, it felt less like a raping than paying $35 at the other lot. Getting to Yankees Stadium from this mall, however, proved to be a bit of a challenge for us. Initially, we followed these two guys wearing Jeter and Mantle jerseys toward the entrance we had just driven through, but then we realized that they were going to have to hop a wall in order to get to the sidewalk and that just seemed to be more trouble than it was worth. We decided to find another way. This would be a mistake. I don’t know what we were thinking. We should’ve just stuck to following Jeter and Mantle. They’d always been reliable in the past. Why did we think they were going to let us down this time? We ended up walking a sidewalk that ran somewhat parallel to the Major Deagan Expressway. That is some hot stuff right there. Eventually we did manage to reach the stadium and this random, off-the-beaten-path route actually had us approach the stadium from a direction we’d never taken before, offering me the opportunity to take this photo of the entire stadium in all its sexiness.

The walkway leading up to the stadium past the little league baseball field is paved with sporadic markers indicating historical moments in franchise history, like this:

This:

This:

And this:

We tried finding a marker celebrating Don Mattingly’s retirement, but apparently, nothing of importance happened for the Yankees between 1987 and 1996, which I found a little strange.

As usual, I needed to be fed immediately upon walking through the doors of Yankees Stadium. I need to eat regularly or else I become a whiny, unaccommodating toddler. We headed up to our section and bought a hot Italian sausage for me (Seriously. This is not a metaphor for a really attractive male of the Italian persuasion. It was called a hot Italian sausage and it cost $8.50.) and a hot dog for Mamadukes. Laden with our glorious, deliciously fragrant meat products, we went in search of this mysterious section 314W. It’s the “W” that kept throwing me off when I searched the stadium’s seating chart online. The chart clearly showed me section 314, but what was the deal with this “W?” Well, ladies and gentlemen, we found out that it apparently stands for “wheelchair.”  Yes. That’s correct. This Yankees fan half of the TBB duo is a giant a-hole who unknowingly purchased tickets to the handicapped section. As if I can’t look any more insensitive than I already do. The seats were padded folding chairs, which were pretty cool, but man, did we feel a touch guilty about occupying these seats. The guilt didn’t last long because my stomach got the better of me. I pretty much inhaled my sausage in three bites (okay, WHY does everything I say about sausages sound incredibly dirty?).

Look who ran into us at the stadium! Ed! Lisa’s favorite of Serena’s colleagues. Ed had seats 3 sections over from us.

There was one really amazing upside about sitting in these seats though. I got to hang out with this little buddy the entire game:

How amazing is he? He’s adorable and fat. I wanted to dognap him. The downside to this bootyful baseball fan was that his owner was a jerk Mets fan that kept rooting against the Yankees. Dude, go be miserable at your own Opening Day. Don’t make my Opening Day experience miserable because you hate my team.

Soon after, the opening ceremonies commenced.

Jorge Posada threw out the first pitch to Papa Posada.

The pitching matchup was Hiroki Kuroda and Ervin Santana. I’ll admit that this did not inspire confidence in me after watching the nightmare of a game that took place in Tampa Bay in the week prior. However, we got out of the first inning fairly unscathed, so I calmed down a bit. In the bottom of the 1^st, Santana led things off by striking out both Jeter and Granderson. Allow me to describe the mental illness that currently resides in this brain of mine. Instead of being overly pissed off at this, I got excited because Roberta’s ridiculous New York-focused fantasy team wouldn’t get any offensive points. Insert evil laugh. See? I’m truly a disturbed individual. With two outs, Alex Rodriguez (the one Yankees player that I managed to pry out of Roberta’s greedy fingers) singled. Hooray for fantasy points for Tigers Love Pepper! THEN he stole second. More fantasy points! It’s just an explosion of fantasy points for me.

When Mark Teixeira stepped into the batter’s box, our neighbors to Mamadukes’ right had some negative comments to say about him. She got very upset and defensive about “her man” (the fantasy baseball illness seems to be hereditary). I had to remind her that Tex was no longer her fantasy first baseman. Roberta owned him now. It was time to let go. With Rodriguez, Cano, and Tex on base, Swisher drilled a double over the center fielder’s head, scoring three runs. All fantasy points for Roberta. It’s just becoming tedious now.

Rodriguez would go onto hit a bomb of a home run to dead center field in the bottom of the 3^rd and another single in the bottom of the 5^th following a Granderson home run. While his sudden surge of offense pleases me both from the Yankees fan perspective and the perspective of being the manager for the future 2012 championship fantasy team, I feel it necessary to point out something that he did in the bottom of the 7^th that really pissed me off. I have always defended Rodriguez. Despite the fact that he’s got a personality that’s equivalent to a brown paper bag and the whole steroids fiasco, I do believe him to be a hard-working and gifted athlete. When he fails, it’s never from a lack of trying. Yes, he’s totally overpaid and yes, he tends to collapse when the Yankees really need him, but I will accept a player who fails to succeed if he puts forth genuine effort. In the 7^th, with Jeter on second, Rodriguez hit a weak dribbler to Ryan Isringhausen on the mound, which typically would’ve been an easy out, but Isringhausen bobbled the ball, giving Rodriguez the chance to safely reach first AND advancing Jeter to third. Instead of actually running hard down the line, Rodriguez did the f*cking Hustle! Naturally, this gave Isringhausen enough time to recover and throw Rodriguez out. I was enraged. If I recall the moment correctly, after a string of curse words, I shouted, “Did you have an asthma attack on the way to first, you a-hole?” Apparently the surrounding fans found this amusing. What the hell? I defend this man all the damn time for his work ethic and he repays me by acting like Carlos Beltran?? Trust me, I’ve played sports. I get that there was a chance that Rodriguez still may have been thrown out even if he ran hard. I totally understand that. The point is that he also might’ve been safe, giving the Yankees another chance to score. Crap like that makes me crazy.This better have been a brain fart on his part because if this is a sign of behavior to come, I’m going to convince Lisa to allow me to write another asstastic letter for this blog. And I’m very convincing. You have no idea how much stupid
sh*t I’ve convinced Lisa to participate in with me.

Just prior to the 9^th inning, we asked the nice men sitting next to us to take our picture. I’m actually surprised that Mamadukes allowed this considering how much she hates taking pictures. I think the fact that this man gave her his Cracker Jack prize softened her a little.

We were pleasantly surprised when Kuroda came out to pitch the 9^th having already thrown 103 pitches. He allowed Bobby Abreu on base with a weak a$$ crap hit and Joe Girardi pulled him out in favor of David Robertson. Kuroda exited to a standing ovation. A vast improvement from his first start. Now if only CC Sabathia would follow suit. Robertson closed out the game, coaxing Albert Pujols into a double play and then striking out Kendry Morales. Final score 5-0 Yankees.

By the way, exiting the mall’s parking garage was a nightmare. Do not park here. Make the extra $5 investment and park in a proper lot.

-Serena