TBB's Worst Ballpark Moments

As promised last week, to compliment the post discussing our greatest ballpark moments, we are bringing you our worst moments. Truthfully, this post will probably be infinitely more entertaining. Great moments are boring. Terrible moments are hilarious.

• The worst hot dog ever put into our mouths, unwashed children, and the infamous Mandanna.
• Short story: The Phillies and their wonderfully charming fanbase. The long story: kids threw ice cubes at us, one man screamed in our face, and our one brief moment of happiness where we made contact with the Phanatic was destroyed by a-holes. A-holes that promised to take our photo and only successfully photgraphed his furry green ass and Lisa clapping her hands and giving the stink eye. Basically Citizen's Bank Park was one giant worst moment. 
• Drunk three's company coupled with being showered by a spitting sunflower seed monster sitting behind us. 
• Nearly getting killed when a relief pitcher overthrew his warm up partner, sending the ball in the direction of our precious cabezas. 
• The waiter at McFadden's f*cked up Lisa's birthday dinner and by extension, making us so late that she missed the opportunity to meet TOWSNBN.
• The Ball Tip Steak Sandwich.
• The Invasion of the Twins Fans and Baby Jesus.
• The Screaming O's Fan.

This list should be a lot longer, but really the worst moments of all of our stadium tours involve our travels to the ballpark and our hotels, which really don't count as a ballpark moment. So, here we are. Enjoy re-reading all of our past adventures since we were clearly too lazy to summarize them for you. 

Auntiedukes Takes Citi Field (Phillies @ Mets 8-26-13)

On Monday night, we took Auntiedukes to her very first Mets game. You might be wondering why we would even bother taking a Yankees fan to their first Mets game or what the significance of this is. Well, back in 2011, we posted a hoax contest for April Fools' Day. The prize was that you'd attend Mets Opening Day with Lisa. All you had to do was send us an essay telling us why we should choose you as Lisa's guest. Unfortunately, among a few other entries, Auntiedukes didn't realize that it was a fake contest. We felt terrible. Not only did we manipulate Serena's family member, but she actually wrote something very sweet and endearing. How could we not take her now? This is what she'd sent us:

"Dear Traveling Baseball Babes
I would like to win this contest ... for several reasons.
1) I have never been to Citi Field (drove past it today!), nor Shea Stadium, come to think of it.
2) I have never been to an Opening Day Game, nor a Met game, come to think of it.
3) I’d like to understand why Lisa loves the Mets (and not the Yankees)
4) I miss hanging with Lisa. Haven't seen her since Paris.
5) And last, but not least, Eats on me!

Auntiedukes <3>

Flash forward to Monday. We finally (only 2 years later) got tickets to a Mets game for Auntiedukes to attend thanks to Lisa's friend Alfredo. We gave Auntiedukes a tour of Citi Field, including the Hall of Fame and bullpen. This was the matchup Auntiedukes would be enjoying that evening:

After watching Wheeler and Lee take their warmups sessions, we escorted Auntiedukes to the hot dog stand near our seats. Lisa topped her doggie with red onions, relish, sauerkraut, jalapenos, and mustard. Serena topped her doggie with red onions, spicy mustard, Choulula, and jalapenos. And Auntiedukes ate her doggie before we could record its toppings...or take a picture. Needless to say, she LOVED her hot dog (we recommended the hot dog as it is our favorite dish from Shea Stadium/Citi Field).

Check out the view Alfredo scored for us. Not bad, eh? Auntiedukes will never be able to see another Mets game again without comparing her seats to these. : )

 

Being that we were in such close proximity to the field, we were surrounded by our fair share of celebrities. Like Rex Ryan.

Well, at least we think it was Rex Ryan. We kept saying, "Rex, sit down," but not once did he acknowledge us. We even tried "Mr. Ryan" to no avail. We also enjoyed the view of a couple fondling each other and staring into each other's eyes like Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler. We have no problems with sexual activity, but don't stand up and block home plate while doing it. The rest of us would like to watch the game. And also, there was nothing appealing about this man, but she was genuinely smitten with him. She stared at him like he was the cat's meow. It was baffling. We've thought about it. Long and hard. We reminisced about ex-lovers, boyfriends, and even men that's we've met along the way and we cane to the conclusion that we've never gazed upon a man in that manner. It was the type of gaze that is reserved for when George Clooney looks at you and your knees buckle. We assure you that this man was no George Clooney. He wasn't even George Clooney's less attractive younger brother (ya know...like in the Baldwin family).

Matt Harvey and TOWSNBN did make brief appearances in the dugout. Lisa pissed her pants.

 

There are a lot of these photos in existence. All from the same angle. All of the same thing. Most are of the back of his head. This is basically when note taking of the game stopped.

This was our first time getting to see D'Frenchman in action!

Serena had an amazing design for a custom t-shirt for Lisa's birthday, but she couldn't find anyone to help her design/create it. Imagine: D'Arnaud's face with a French moustache and a long cigarette. He's wearing a beret. The back of the shirt looks like his jersey, only instead of his last name, it says, "D'Frenchman." We might slap the French flag somewhere on there, but we haven't made any concrete decisions on that subject yet.

While we enjoyed ourselves immensely, the Mets struggled a bit. They simply couldn't scratch more than 1 run across against Lee and the Phillies' bullpen. It also began to rain. Behind us, we heard the following conversation during a conference on the mound between D'Arnaud and Pedro Feliciano:
"Oh, this should be interesting. How do you think this conversation's gonna go? We've got a French-Canadian/American and a Dominican."
and:
"Can we hurry this along? It's raining and I've got to home for a Seinfeld rerun."

Also, we heard someone in front of us refer to D'Arnaud as "D'Frenchman." Either we're becoming more famous or as usual, someone is stealing our shit. Just in case, you heard of our t-shirt design here first.

Despite these setbacks, Auntiedukes enjoyed herself! She said that Citi Field reminded her of the Baseball Hall of Fame, "but if only the Mets' playing could match the stadium." She mentioned the low energy of the fans during the game. We agreed. For a Phillies/Mets matchup, there was no pizazz. Granted, both teams have struggled this year and it WAS a Monday night, but we were still surprised. We'd never been to such a flat Phillies/Mets matchup.

After Auntiedukes left us for the subway, we snapped a few last minute photos of us with the stadium at night. In retrospect, we should've snapped photos of the Citi Field rookie, but we're a-holes.

 

PS - AJ Burnett finally dropped off Winkie and now this is the bullshit we have to deal with while blogging. So now we're combating ADD and cats.

Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."

Mets Opening Day

April 1st, 2013

After a long off season that dealt us with hurricanes and snowstorms of epic proportions. Spring has finally sprung and Baseball is back. Every year I look forward to attending Mets Opening day mainly because we leave the past behind us and any anger we have we try not to bring going into the new season. This feeling of forgiveness and acceptance usually only lasts about the first inning but we get an E for effort that day for trying. I usually go with super Mets jinx Laurie but she was a sell out this year and decided to spend the week lounging in the sun in another country. Fellow TBB Serena was not an option since the Mets and Yankees decided to be life ruiners and set the games for the same exact time making it impossible for us to attend both Opening Day festivities. Someone really needs to work on this teleportation sh*t. I decide to bring with me my dear old man. Pops joins us for Opening day and so my story begins.

We leave for Citi Field at 11:00 am for the 1:10 game against the San Diego Padres. I usually get to Citi Field around 10 am on Opening day and spend hours chugging beer and grilling in the parking lot but I knew tailgating with Pops was not an option. On the way to Citi Field disgruntle Mets fan that my father is starts with his disapproval of the Dickey trade. I try to change the subject and say “How many homeruns do you think we will see today Dad?” Dad says:” A lot from San Diego” Way to be optimistic I see where I get my sarcastic attitude from.

When I get off the exit to the stadium there are many officers of the law directing traffic. Pops decides to flag one over from doing his job to flash the officer a distant family members PBA card thinking that this will allow him to park in “Special Parking” FAIL! This is embarrassing moment number one folks. Embarrassing moment number two is not far behind. At the entrance into the ballpark while getting padded down by security Pops makes an inappropriate joke that I can not share but it did make the security guard laugh so no harm done. Our free giveaway is a magnetic schedule that I was not impressed with. In fact last year when the Mets emailed me a survey about the free giveaways I rated this giveaway a one. On a scale of one being the worst. Clearly my opinion means nothing. We stop on the main level to take this sweet father/daughter photo under the scoreboard and made sure to get the All Star Game sign it , cause that’s not advertised in every nook and granny of the stadium.( Insert your  awwwwwwwww! for the photo)

This is our view from our overpriced seats. They were not a bad view at all I just know that during the season these seats are $12 as opposed to the $64 you were charging them for Opening Day.

On the field before the game started they honored 500 first responders that tended to Hurricane Sandy victims. They included members of the Military, Police and Fired department.  In center field volunteers from Habitat for Humanity formed a house shape arrangement. There was also a moment of silence for both Hurricane Sandy and Newton Town victims .

They proceed to announce TOWSNBN and the 2013 Mets.

 Actress Emma Rossum from the television show Shameless sang the National Anthem. She did an amazing job. I was unaware she had such a beautiful voice. Some people have all the luck she gets to be hot AND talented oh and let’s face it she is on a hit show so she has money too! I’m so jelly as those annoying teenagers would say.

 

It is at this time that I should tell you that I bought myself a cool new camera with outstanding zoom. I like to think TOWSNBN just realized this. Look at his reaction of frustration to the news.

It’s about that time where my stomach decides that it needs food now otherwise there is no telling what will happen. I tell Dad that I’ll be right back that I am getting foods. Dad pulls $20 out of his wallet and says “Get me a hamburger and whatever else you want” My heart melts he has no clue what a wildebeest his daughter is furthermore he clearly does not realize just how much food is at the stadium. While I am away I am told that Rusty Staub threw the first pitch.

I get back to the seats to find my father not in our original seats and chewing some lady’s ear off about the Dickey trade yet again. She seems to agree with him. My father informs me that he moved so a family could all sit together. I got my dad his hamburger and I got a cheeseburger and a beer in an All Star Game collector’s cup (I should tell you that at the beer stand I see ASG Budweiser coming soon. I think to myself “Oooh a new beer!!” It takes me until Friday nights game that I realize ASG stands for All Star Game.) Dad asks for change. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I actually had to put $6 in. After I confess Dad reminisces about when he would go to Shea Stadium and how hot dogs outside the stadium were 10 cents and hot dogs in the stadium were 50 cents. Well at least there is consistency in the rapping of wallets over the decades. Pops and I are not impressed with the burgers at all! They were burnt and small. I got the burgers at one of the concession stands by our section that’s what I get for being lazy and not making the trip down to the Shake Shack.

It’s finally game time and the pitching match up was Johnathon Niese for the Mets and Edinson Volquez for the Padres. At Daniel Murphy’s first at bat “Happy Birthday “was song to him. It was orchestrated by The 7 Line and his army. Well played!! I tried to video tape it unfortunately the two drunk boys in the back round over power my efforts but I definitely heard it faintly from my seats.

The Mets scored the first run on Ruben Tejada’s RBI double in the 2^nd and John Buck scores making it 1-0. Niese singles bringing Tejada home and the score is now 2-0. My father and I look at each other in amazement.

In the top of the 3^RD San Diego gets on the board when Carlos Quentin singles on a ground ball sending Chris Denorfia home. It’s now 2-1.

In the bottom of the 3^RD Myrlon Byrd Singles and TOWSNBN scores it is now 3-1

Lot’s of hitting is going on I am getting so confused I look around to make sure I was at Citi Field watching the Mets. John Buck then singles and Byrd scored making the score 4-1. We continue to scratch our heads and rub our eyes all while enjoying this strange feeling of winning. I decide I am still hungry and send dad on a run to get me more beer and a hot dog. He looks at me and shakes his head as he says to me “This is why your not married you’ll eat the poor guy out of house and hold”

In the bottom of the 4^th more hitting is had for the Mets. Murphy singles on a line drive Collin Cowgill goes to 3rd and Niese scores it is now 5-1. TOWSNBN grounds out and Cowgill comes home 6-1. Byrd singles to left field and now the birthday boy scores. Score stands at 7-1. I am speechless at this point. I have no words. The lady my dad was chatting it up with insists my father is good luck. I contemplate leaving him in section 531 and forwarding his mail to flushing.

It is now the top of the 5^th inning and my father would like to leave the game. He is cold and complaining about the wind. In his defense he was just getting over bronchitis and he has this thing with traffic he kind of hates it.  I buy my time by making ridiculous bets with him. I tell him if Lucas Duda hits a homerun we can leave. I know this is not happening so I am safe for now. Look at what “A DUD “did in the game at this point. (For those who don’t know my pops says Lucas Duda is A DUD and that’s what his name is spelled backwards) Ike Davis is not getting off the hook so easy. Look at what both clowns contributed so far.

In the top of the 6^th Yonder Alonso of the Padres tacks on another run by hitting a homerun it is now 7-2 and I decide to cave in to my father’s demand after the 6^th inning is over. We walk back to the car blast the heat because being so close to god in those seats we need to defrost. As we defrost and pull out of the stadium we hear uproar. My dad assumes the Mets bullpen has f’ed it up and it is now a tie game which would make sense. I turn the radio to the game and find that Collin Cowgill had just hit a grand slam. I turn to Dad and snarl at him. He says “Just think it’s going to look so much better when you see it tonight on the replay “

THE END!

Why We Don't Belong on Film

**Sorry for the delay in posting, folks. The content was ready for a Sunday night post, but technical difficulties with the video stalled things a bit.**

So you morons asked for more video footage of us. We've acknowledged this request and acquiesced. Probably not the best decision of our lives, yet here we are. Before we give you this atrocity, we thought you'd might like a brief recap of what went down after we left you on St. Patrick's Day:

• We bring Baby J to a parade in Farmingdale that lasts a total of 20 minutes. We steal a balloon for him. Before the age of 2, Baby J becomes an accessory to theft thanks to us.
• After the brief, pathetic parade that included a rapist leprechaun and a ginger moustache on a fire truck, we bring Baby J to a bar to eat wings and to start our binge drinking. We're very responsible adults. We each have 3 beers.
• Bar #2 (Baby J's parents take Baby J home for a nap). 1 beer each. Creepy crowd. We leave.
• At Bar #3, we bump into some people we know and a douchebag in a track suit. It's sad to say that we know him as well.
• After another 3 beers each, we leave for Bar #4. Yuengling. Draw scribble scrabble all over the darts scoreboard in chalk.
• At Bar #5, Serena professes her love for the bartender and he for some god forsaken reason, allows her to cover him with shamrock stickers. Drink beers we'd never heard of at his recommendation. Not sure how many.
• Accept a free Jameson shot from a tattoo-covered creep-a-zoid.
• Decide we are hungry and need a cab to take us home. Unfortunately, we are too drunk to dial ourselves, so the bartender needs to do this for us. Great impression.
• Share a cab with a couple who we become best friends with. Hug our new BFF's when we get dropped off first.
• Lisa passes out on the couch while Serena lays in starfish pose in the livingroom. Chris #2's assistance is required to remove Serena's boots.
• Block of time that we cannot account for.
• More Yuengling.
• Serena's roommate calls pizza place and tries to convince the pizza girl to come over.
• Lisa still draped across the couch.
• Serena pretends to swim across the livingroom rug. Demands that Chris #2 get her wristlet, to which Chris #2 replies: "I don't even know what you're saying right now. What is a wristlet?"
• Block of time we cannot account for.
• Archer marathon from Serena's bed.
• Morning.
• Serena discovers that Lisa had attempted to eat Irish soda bread in the night and left raisins in the comforter and pieces of bread under her nightstand.
• Apparently Serena had tried to unsuccessfully light her cigar from the beer festival.
• There are no further memories of this day.

Now, without further delay, here's your stupid video. Apologies for the dubbed Japanese Godzilla movie nature of the video. Apparently portable internet machines are NOT the best method for shooting mock Sportscenter clips nor are they spectacular for uploading. Who would've guessed?

This week's baseball notes:
TOWSNBN still has a side boo boo and while it's not certain that he won't be ready for Opening Day, it's not looking promising. Also not to be ready for Opening Day? Derek Jeter, who still a hot mess, will most definitely be starting his season off on the DL. On the topic of injured idiots, apparently it's been declared that any player that was injured during the WBC will have their salaries paid by the WBC while they're unable to perform for their teams. These jokers shouldn't have been playing in the tournament to begin with. Their responsibilities are owed to their team, not to an imitation Olympic tournament that shouldn't include professional athletes. Yet, still these overpaid a-holes are going to get their enormous salaries regardless.

The Yankees are on the verge of acquiring Vernon Wells in a trade with the Angels that will most likely cost the Yankees Jeter's other foot. What purpose Wells stands to serve for the Yankees is truly beyond our comprehension. **UPDATE** Vernon Wells is officially a Yankee. Hooray for all.

Finally, to commemorate the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School earlier this year, the victims will be honored across the league during teams' Opening Day ceremonies. Players will wear a memorial patch on their uniforms and the stadiums will hold a moment of silence.

Joel Refuses to Register for the Spartan Race or Send Us an Exercise Program (AKA: Joel Wants Us to Fail)

It's become clear that you're all a bunch of jack wagons. Each week, we give you a poll and each week you answer it like you have an IQ of less than 4. For some reason, we gave two sh*ts about your feelings, so we asked how you felt about our stadium tour plans changing. You turned around and spit our kindness in our faces. This is the last time we care about you. Consider this our giant middle finger extended in your direction. Long story short, 2 of you d*ckheads chose "burp." You literally suck. No more joke options for you. You can't be trusted. Don't you realize that these joke options are us testing your intelligence? You've failed every single time. That's impressive. No one fails anything 100%, yet you have. We're not going to even bother discussing the rest of the poll choices. It's just going to make us more mad. We're considering taking away your power to vote.

In just a few short weeks, we'll be participating in the Cupid's Undie Run for the Children's Tumor Foundation. Any of you local TBB fans (and you're probably just an urban legend because it seems that only California residents like us) that are on the quest for epic stupidity should consider joining us before the run is sold out. You're looking at two members of the team "Can You See My Knickers?" The theme of the day is Wonder Woman. Buy these socks and wear them. If you're a bro who is not secure in his manhood, we will accept Superman since he matches the color scheme. In that case, buy these socks. The afterparty is at the Brass Monkey. Let's all go party in our undies together, shall we? It's for the children. To prepare for running in public while wearing minimal clothing, we've stopped going to the local bar for beer and wings every Monday night. We haven't exactly stopped going to Chipotle or Taco Bell, but we figured removing the "every Monday night" factor was a step in the right direction. Besides...there's no more Monday Night Football, so who gives a sh*t besides the Hot Wing Arbitrator?

In keeping with the bizarre "wellness" theme, we've also managed to be convinced by Serena's cousin, Joel (who is in infinitely better shape than the two of us combined), to register for the Spartan Race at Citi Field on April 13th. We've created an amazing team called The Fear Boners and Joel has yet to sign up. We're starting to suspect that he's bamboozled us. If you're interested in watching our final moments, you should join our team and laugh at us as we die a slow, painful, and miserable death in a mud pie like the animals stuck in the La Brea Tar Pits. Choose the Morning Wave (9-12:00 pm). Besides having the opportunity to watch our out-of-shape failure, you'll also get to run an obstacle course built at Citi Field! Pretty cool, no? The event is trending to be sold out way before the actual event date, so be sure to join sooner rather than later. Don't you want to be a part of the magic that is The Fear Boners? We think you do.

As you can see, neither one of us are really built for speed. Comfort, yes. But speed? No way. Joel has promised to email Serena the workout program that he created for his wife so that she can be ready to run the race with, as she says, "your [Serena's and Joel's] freakishly strong and athletic family." Serena would then forward the aforementioned program to Lisa. Has this happened? No. Joel has not only failed to register for this race, but he's also failed to share his secret obstacle course training program with us because he wants us to die...alone and muddied. Our trainer friend, Greg, who we have affectionately dubbed "Call Me Maybe" has promised to train with us on the weekends. This will most likely prove to be one of his life's biggest mistakes because we're pretty annoying. We trust him because we climbed a mountain with him, did yoga on top of that mountain with him, and when a giant snake crossed our path, he allowed Serena to physically push him in front of the snake's path in order to protect ourselves (it's every man for himself, we always say). He didn't even get mad at us for being selfish like that.

Reality: what's probably going to happen is that we'll meet Call Me Maybe a few times, goof off, piss him off to the point where he'll never want to see us again, let alone train us, and then we won't do anything remotely similar to preparing. We'll prepare like we've prepared for every race we've ever run (drink beer, eat wings and Taco Bell, and talk about how "tommorow will be the day that we'll start training"). Joel won't send us an exercise program. In fact, he won't get around to registering until the event is sold out, which means we'll be stuck running alone, which also means that we'll have no one to perform CPR when neither of us can climb our fat a$$es over the wall that will most definitely be there. Plus, the race requires that teams have a minimum of 4 people to qualify as a team, which means The Fear Boners will no longer be recognized, which is basically a human travesty. Thanks to Joel and his desire for us to experience failure, we won't finish the race and as a result, we will not get another medal. Another travesty. Afterwards, we will legally change our middle names to Failure Pile and become banned from all future Spartan Races for as long as we live.

Don't miss the opportunity to witness this in person. Join The Fear Boners today!

Baseball Notes:
TOWSNBN, Mark Teixeira, Robinson Cano, and Francisco Cervelli are all New York players who've been named to World Baseball Classic rosters. Who cares? We think we'll go wet ourselves now with excitement (*said sarcastically*). In other Yankees news, Alex Rodriguez's surgery on his left hip has gone swimmingly. The Rick DiPietro of baseball will be out of action until mid-season. And speaking of TOWSNBN, he and Molly Beers are officially engaged. If that wasn't a giant f*ck you to Lisa, we don't know what it is. There is no joy in New York-ville.

2013 Stadium Tour Planning

Last week, we talked about our New Year's resolutions for this blog. Not for us personally because we both know that we'll never achieve our far-fetched resolutions and there's no sense in setting us up for failure. We asked how many resolutions you foresaw us fulfilling. Only 3 of you d*ckheads voted, so thanks for being so aweeeeesome (said sarcastically). 2 of you said 50% of them (which is actually pretty positive), but there was no way we were meeting TOWSNBN. 1 a$$ face said we'd fulfill 1. And that's only because you thought we'd win a Halloween costume contest. You're a fart smeller. And you eat farts too.

Last week, we also created this fun online quiz to see how well you know us. It turns out you don't know sh*t! Who the hell have we been sleeping with these last few years?! The highest score anyone achieved was 47% and someone actually scored a 20%. Are you kidding us??? ARE. YOU. KIDDING. US. This quiz will be available until Opening Day. We suggest you do your homework and study up on this blog and the fabulous bitches that write it. Your ignorance is truly flabbergasting.

So...we know that we dropped the bomb on you last week by changing our 2013 stadium touring plans. We apologize. It wasn't personal. We know how much you were looking forward to seeing us in cowboy hats and to be honest, so were we. It just didn't work out this year. Things have been tight and we simply cannot afford to take off 2 weeks to act like a-holes in Texas/Arizona. Unless you'd like to "sponsor" our traveling, we need to scale back this year and settle on a short, fiscally responsible tour. Hence, Missouri. We began doing our midwest research. Apparently, tornado season (according to The Google Machine) is mid-March through June. That's a large chunk of the baseball season. Therefore, we're planning on flying into St. Louis on or around July 18th (you totally wanted to knows this, you pack of f*cking stalkers). We'll rent a car and use St. Louis as our home base, hitting a Cardinals/Padres game on Friday night. We're contemplating a stadium tour while in town as well since it's only $10. In addition, we have lofty plans on visiting the famous arch, a free concert weekend concert series, multiple breweries, and the River City Casino to further enable Lisa's gambling addiction. We'll drive 3 hours west to Kansas City on either Saturday or Sunday to see the Royals take on the Tigers (Annnnnnnnnnd Justin Verlander...yessssssss). Depending on game time (which KC has been kind enough to withhold), we're going to try to do a stadium tour prior to the game OR take advantage of this AMAZING Early Bird Pre-Game Experience that the team brilliantly offers. For $10, you get front row access to batting practice, a promotional giveaway, and some nonsense about official game notes...or some crap like that (all we know is that we NEED it). We promise you most excellent photos...as always. Plus, there's a roadtrip involved, which means we get to break out our 98 Degrees discography, so you know THAT'S going be the definition of awesome. If you're lucky, we'll video some of it. You're welcome.

Baseball Notes:
It appears that Brian Wilson may be joining us in Flushing. He apparently had a "private workout" with the Mets recently. What does that even mean? He did pushups and the Mets lineup watched? He worked out with TOWSNBN? They ran side by side on the treadmill? They all hung out in the clubhouse sauna together? What the hell does that mean???? Anyway...it sounds creepy. And somewhat voyeuristic.

Derek Jeter, in other bizarre NY news, got to "remove his boot." Let us start by saying that we apparently have drank entirely too much alcohol in the time that has lapsed between the playoffs and now. It's like we've been living a life under "Blackout Drunk" context because we totally forgot that Jeter was injured. Nevermind the fact that he might have been in a cast. So when we saw this headline, we assumed that he had purchased a brand new pair of combat boots. Ooops. He's not allowed to run or skip, but he IS allowed to "walk around in shoes and stuff" (this is a direct quote from the article, so don't judge the bimbo lingo) and run in the swimming pool. Do you have any idea what this means? This means that we've been working harder at the gym than Derek Jeter. And this is the man that the Yankees dubbed "Captain." Ridiculousness. We should just put AJ's cats, She-Ra and Thundercat, in charge of the Yankees. They at least go outside and kill things...and also attempted to kill Lisa, which would probably please TOWSNBN. It's like a win-win. For the Yankees AND the Mets.

Side note: no one was inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. Hooray! We should be inducted. We never used steroids and as you can see, we work harder than Derek Jeter at the gym. We've also both managed highly competitive fantasy teams. Clearly, we deserve induction.

2013 New Year's Resolutions - TBB Style

Greetings, fellow earthlings. It's been awhile (since we could hold our heads up high. And it's been awhile since we first saw you). Hope you didn't miss us too much. We've got some news for you about our upcoming stadium tour, but before we get into that, let's discuss the poll we'd left you with in our absence. Since we wouldn't be posting anything new until after the new year, we asked you what type of old blog we should share on Facebook to keep you company during our "vacation." No one voted for one of our imaginary dialogues, which is a little bizarre seeing as how this one is beyond epic. What's the next level above epic? Anyone know? 1 lousy person voted for a letter. Are you freakin' kidding us? Our letters are hilarious. We're starting to think that you don't enjoy our stupidity. Add the fact that the majority of votes (a whopping, awe-inspiring 3) chose a stadium tour and we're concerned that you enjoy reading about our travels more than reading about the sh*t that makes us laugh. Pretty strange. Being that this blog is entitled "Traveling Baseball Babes" and all. 2 people voted for one of our shenanigans. To appease this group, here's your token shenanigan blog.

Before we get into tonight's primary topic, we have a few items of business to discuss. Let's start with the 2013 stadium tour. We know that you voted last year to send us to Arizona and Texas, but due to some financial constraints and time off restrictions, we've had to change plans. We hope you can forgive us. Instead of Cactus Country, we'll be heading to St. Louis and Kansas City. It won't be 3 stadiums, but we're still giving you at least 2. Hopefully, this is satisfactory. If not, tough sh*t. Go take a ride on our suck stick.

Last order of business is New York Opening Day. There was some speculation that we might be able to attend both games together because MLB hadn't posted the Yankees/Red Sox start time. Usually when they have a start time listed as "TBD," the game gets bumped as the late game for television purposes. We figured we'd attend the afternoon Mets game and head over to the Bronx for an evening of baseball. Alas, as usual, the Evil Empire (MLB) had alternate plans for us. They recently announced that the Yankees would have an afternoon start time, directly conflicting with our genius plans of pure Opening Day awesomeness. Now...Lisa is stuck going with Fred #2, who doesn't tailgate and doesn't like to stay past the 7th inning (traffic) and there's a good chance that Serena will be flying solo. By the way, in case you're wondering how you can sweet talk your way into attending the game with Serena, the following statement should not be made: "Of course I'm looking forward to this matchup! I love the Red Sox!" No, it does not make it better if you partner it with: "I promise not to wear my Red Sox hat." Just a word of advice, guys! She'll not take kindly to it. And if you're standing next to her when you deliver either of these statements, you'll probably get a d*ck punch.

Turns out, the Yankees and Red Sox were dumped in favor of the new AL West matchup: Rangers vs. Astros. This is both interesting and pathetic.

Finally, onto the TBB's New Year's Resolutions for the blog...and other assorted items. We promise to attempt to do the following for you this year:

1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure this out.
2. Cover the remaining playoff games from a bar. Literally. As in, we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack their wifi (the password is often the bar's phone number, just so you're aware), and cover the games. In addition to a blog post, we'll actively post commentary to Twatter ( @TravelingBBabes...follow us. Do it).
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa.
4. Post more video of us interacting with buffoons like you at baseball games. Actually, we'll just post more video of us in general. We're idiotic enough for you.
5. Visit and blog about our travel to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
6. Attend Star Wars night! At any stadium. Serena will try to smuggle her lightsaber in her purse. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has had her lightsaber confiscated.
7. Win a Halloween costume contest.
8. Score 200 followers on Facebook, but we're gonna need your help with this one. Share with your friends and peer pressure/blackmail/bribe your friends into loving us. Spread us like a whore spreads STD's! (www.facebook.com/TravelingBaseballBabes)
9. Dive deeper and unlock the mystery of the Subway Series. Why do Yankees and Mets fans hate each other so much?
10. Spy a professional baseball player in plain clothes. We stress, "professional." You and your beer belly running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants you haven't washed in months does not count as a "baseball player."
11. We're going to try to be more attractive for you. Again, we stress, "try." We can't promise you anything since we don't have the money to afford plastic surgery, but we will make every effort to clean up nice. As nice as we possibly can.
12. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. And then posting video of these a-holes for yours and our amusement. Insert evil laugh.
13. Attempt securing tickets to the All Star Game at Citi Field. If not the game or Home Run Derby, we'll strive to cover the Fan Fest activities.
14. Bring Auntiedukes to the Mets game that we've promising her since 2011.
15. Establish a weblog-type shenanigan. This is a working progress that will require outside support aka: Brother's friend, Mike.
16. Go to Billy's by Yankees Stadium during Guido Fest so that Lisa can finally meet the guido of her dreams.
17. Serena will finally gain employment with the Yankees organization. Even if it means that she's responsible for cleaning all of Derek Jeter's 4 million shoes that's in his locker.
18. Get on the jumbotron together. At any stadium.
19. Be recognized at a game for being the world-reknown Traveling Baseball Babes. Hoo-rah.
20. TBB world domination. 2013

We will revisit this list this time next year and discuss how well we did. Hopefully, we accomplish at least one thing or else we're literally the most pathetic human beings alive. Who knows? Maybe Lisa will even be married with child by then.

Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends

Last week we presented you with our third installment of "Dear David." Apparently, most of you are starting to be concerned for Lisa's mental health. We assure you that everything is fine. All of her mental faculties are in place. Serena knows this for a fact because when we went to the bar on Monday night, she drank all of her beer without Serena's assistance and helped Serena eat a plate of honey bbq wings, a plate of pulled pork potato skins, and another plate/bowl of spinach dip and chips. If she was mentally ill, she couldn't possibly have done all of these things so stop being so concerned. If she wants to make her life mission about banging TOWSNBN, then so be it. People have had more pathetic dreams, okay? Stop being so judgemental. You're just jealous.

In light of our recent letter, we asked you if you thought that TOWSNBN would join us in Foxwoods and 3 of 4 you felt that the only thing that would be joining us in Foxwoods was a restraining order. Only 1 person thought that he would because we're hot AND hilarious. Well, the joke is on you 3 a-holes because no one sent us a restraining order. F*ck you. We're more upset that no one thinks we're hilarious because we obviously are. You wouldn't know funny if it slapped you in face. You're just jealous.

Onto the real purpose of today's blog post. After much deliberation, we've decided that it was a moral imperative that RA Dickey and Serena need to be BFFers. NOT, we need to stress, BFers. She has no interest in receiving penetration from this man. We feel pretty strongly that if he got to know Serena, he wouldn't hesitate in participate in this friendship, however there is the unfortunate fact of him being on friendly terms with TOWSNBN. Since he's a raging a-hole, he probably has already spent an unnecessary amount of time bad-mouthing us to RA. Therefore, we need to convince RA that TOWSNBN is a melodramatic idiot. We present to you the Top 10 Reasons Why RA Dickey & Serena Need to be Friends:

1. Both RA Dickey and Serena are obsessed with Star Wars. In fact, Serena has a plastic red lightsaber that she hits Lisa with once in awhile when she's feeling bored. Lisa also bought her a "Baby Darth" for a Christmas stocking stuffer one year. In fact, Serena's been trying to convince Lisa that our Halloween costumes should be Han Solo and Princess Leia. Naturally, Serena wants to be Han, which leaves Lisa the task of wearing cinnamon rolls on her head and donning a white bathrobe to be Princess Leia. If Serena and RA became friends, Lisa could stop entertaining Serena's stupid Star Wars ideas and RA Dickey can be Princess Leia for Halloween. Maybe he'll even rock the slave costume because Lisa refuses to.

2. RA Dickey has an English Literature degree from the University of Tennessee. Serena's degree from Emerson College is Writing, Literature, and Publishing. So they can sit together and pontificate about books they've read. They can recommend books to each other on GoodReads.
3. Speaking of books, he is known to have a stack of books in his locker. Among them was a collection of works by CS Lewis (author of The Chronicles of Narnia). Serena also has a collection of CS Lewis books on her shelf (among other things).

4. RA once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to promote awareness for human trafficking. Serena once climbed a mountain to do yoga and get the sh*t scared out of her by not one, but two mother f*cking snakes.

5. RA Dickey once made his way to the plate to the theme song from Game of Thrones. Last week, Serena turned to Lisa and said, "I'm sooooo excited for March 13th!"
Lisa: "Oh, for your birthday?"
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Your birthday. It's March 13th."
Serena: "Oh...no, I don't care about that. Game of Thrones is coming back!!!!"
6. RA's career ERA is 3.98. Serena can eat 3.98 cheesy gordita crunches without breaking a sweat. In fact, let's just round that up to 4. Serena can eat 4 cheesy gordita crunches.
7. RA bats from the right side as does Serena.
8. As per RA's Twatter profile, he is a "ninja in training." Well, seek no more, RA. Serena is a professional ninja. She can guide him down the path toward professionalism. Just ask Serena's little glow-in-the-dark baby ninja friends:

9. RA has a moustache and sometimes, when she's feeling frisky, so does Serena:

10. If Serena and RA become BFFers, TOWSNBN will have no choice but to penetrate Lisa.

Clearly, this list has proven that RA Dickey and Serena are meant to live together in nerd harmony. "It is our destiny," as Vader would say. You're all just jealous by how much RA and Serena have in common. And by how funny we are.

Dear TOWSNBN

Last week, we asked if you would find us annoying if you ended up stuck in seats next to us at a sporting event. Surprisingly, 8 of you said, "No, you're hilarious." WE know we're hilarious, but we were starting to doubt your sense of humor. Since no one voted for the negative options, there's no need for us to cover them. It's become quite obvious that you're falling in love with us and that you're becoming stalkers. Are we going to need to take a break? We don't like feeling suffocated.

Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.

• You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
• You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
• You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
• Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
• On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
• You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.

Anyway, that's all behind us now. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Let's move forward, shall we? Your birthday is coming up, isn't it? It's the big 3-0. You're finally playing on our turf now. We should celebrate together to really cement our fresh start. We'll be like the Febreeze brothers, we're so fresh. We're heading up to Foxwoods on the 20th. You should join us for some classy dress, drunken antics, cigars, really awesome shower stalls, and Blackjack. Just think of how much fun you'll have sitting at a table with us. We're even willing to join you in the high roller room as long as you let us gamble with your money.

Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.

Please email us at travelingbaseballbabes@gmail.com to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.

If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.

Gracefully Yours,
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)

This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.

A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.

PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.

Take a Chance on Me

It’s been a while fellow earthlings. Oh the things we have seen here well at least here in the east coast. We survived the horrible Hurricane Sandy which affected so many of us in different ways. Some worse then others but the nice thing about us New Yorkers that in a time of need we will all come together to help one another out and then we will curse you out at a later date and time. Among the sh*t the TBB endured was no power, outrageous gas lines, damage to our homes, being subjected to eat Ramen noodles every night and to top it all off a freak a** snow storm. We hope that in the following weeks that Serena and the many others without power get there electricity back and to the people that lost so much more we hope that things start to get better for you and life can return to whatever normal is considered.

 Let’s go ahead and discuss the poll results way back from Halloween we asked you “Were the TBB robbed during the Halloween Contest? Five of you voted. Only 5! We could go on to say that it was maybe because of the power outage and a lot of people had no internet access but we realized that no one around here likes us. *Sigh* Well if you did vote you should of noticed that any choice you picked would have been acceptable to us because every choice had a Yes in it. It was just a matter of how you wished to say it. We tricked you!! Not just hat racks we are. Well played TBB, well played. 

Today I will be rambling genius nonsense all alone. Serena is in DR on a well deserved vacation. I hope while she is down there she finds my luggage that the airport neglected to find when I went down to DR in April of this year. Have no fear just like the referees in football had replacements I have acquired a replacement Serena to sit and blog with me and more importantly wear Serena’s clean Giants jersey (we had to wash our jerseys because the Giants played like a pack of assclowns with no arms last week and lost) so our juju does not get discombobulated and they can win. Her replacement does not say much and she can’t figure out how to hold a beer yet. Another thing is she is always smiling which is kind of creeping  me out.

Trying to dig up some news worthy baseball notes in the offseason is difficult, but I did manage to find some. I imagine that all of you think that this blog is going to be about the departure of Jason Bay from the Mets. Word came out that both sides decided to go there separate ways. Cue in some Celine Dion music. The two sides negotiated an early expiration to his contract which had a minimum of one year and $21 million remaining. The Mets can pay him that over time and with that gaining them a measure of pay roll flexibility. Ahem sign WRIGHT AND DICKEY NOW PLEASE THANK YOU. (That message was approved and paid for by one half of the TBB). Back to Bay, as a Mets fan I never disliked him as a person and I really did feel bad for his lack of production and concussion prone ways. I wanted to bid farewell to him on a high note and maybe reminisce and make a list of his top plays as a Met but when I sat and really thought about it the only thing I could think of was that he wore number 44 well. Bye Jason it’s been real!  

Remember David Ross from the Atlanta Braves that we met on my Birthday when we went to the Mets vs. Braves game. Click here to jog your memory. Well he signed a two year, 6.2 million dollar deal with The Red Sox. The deal is still pending upon a physical. Maybe now since he is closer we can take him up on that cookout he suggested.

There were a total of eight free agents who declined deals before last Friday’s deadline. Among the eight are Adam Laroche, Hiroki Kuroda, Nick Swisher, Josh Hamilton, Michael Bourne, BJ Upton, Kyle Lohse and Rafael Soriano. They all received qualifying offers from there most recent team. Any team that now signs them will have to forfeit a draft pick as compensation. This is something to think about for the teams that are in the market to acquire players this offseason.

So remember before how I said I wanted to make a list but I didn’t because nothing came to mind. Well I am going to make a list for you today! It kind of has to do with baseball but not so much. Are you as curious as the TBB are as to why TOWSNBN continues to give Lisa the silent treatment and shun her like a leper? Today I am making a list of legit reasons why TOWSNBN should finally take a chance on me. (A picture with him is what I strive to get but I think once he reads these amazing facts something more will grow out of that relationship and I’m ok with that.) If there are any new readers please check out the TBB lingo &Cronies section to find out who we are talking about.

1- Lisa has boobs.They are a nice handful so she is told and are real no need to worry about exploding silicon if things get rough.

2- Lisa is Italian so she knows how to stuff a sausage.
3- Back to ethnicity although she is a 100% Italian she is mistaken for every form of Latin nationality there is. Just think of how cool you will look it the locker room bragging to Daniel Murphy and Ruben Tejada that you have a Latin Lover. No one needs to know the truth.
4-Lisa changes her hair color almost every three months as of last Thursday she was a blonde now she is a brunette who knows what the next three months will bring. It’s like dating a different chick every three months. You will never get bored. Play on player.
5- Lisa is very charitable. She is Vice President of Fred K’s Cancer and does 5k’s for all sorts of charities so your image won’t tarnish.
6- Furthermore hanging out with Lisa is enough charity in itself you would never have to do another charity event again and I am sure you could write off in taxes everything she eats and that’s a lot.
7- You tend to look as inconsistent with a workout regimen as Lisa is so it won’t matter if you if she pumps iron or decides to go to Taco Bell and treat Serena on your dime. You might want to consider buying stock in Taco Bell.
8-When Lisa does exercise she is a professional in Cardio Kickboxing so it’s like your own personal body guard she will jab, cross, upper anyone who seems to be a threat to you. She also does Zumba. Those moves can come in handy if you get my drift. The hips don’t lie
9- Lisa comes from a long line of child bearing women so have no fear the Wright name will go on.
10- Lisa is a Traveling Baseball Babe that’s a quasi celebrity.
11-Lisa is not super hot so you will never have to worry about her leaving you for another baseball player and look at what props you will get for hanging with a not so attractive girl. It will do well for your golden boy imagine.
12- Lisa is poor she always has been poor so if this shit does not work out she has no problem going back to being poor she also does not read things when she signs them so there’s a pretty good chance you will not only be keeping your fortune but her house , clothes and parents as well.
13- Lisa was roofied so she knows what that feels like and will constantly be watching your drinks for any slips.
14- Lisa only hangs out with hilarious people (Serena) The two of them are EPIC and will have you laughing your chubby thighs off all the time.

I think he will finally cave in this year after reading this. Don’t worry I will blog all about the magical night. Well I need to go. I have to finish watching this horrible Giants game and I am pretty confident Serena’s replacement is trying to kill me. Two more things one is the Asshole of the week without saying if you live where the hurricane hit hard is LIPA and the Super hero of the week is all the Veterans who served our country. We thank you and continue to thank the ones that are currently serving as well. Hope you enjoyed our alone time together next week the dynamic duo will be reunited.

Braves @ Mets 8-11-12

This was an eventful weekend for the TBB. For starters, Lisa has bronchitis. Second of all, Lisa's birthday is tomorrow (be sure to post Happy Birthday wishes to our Facebook wall or else suffer her wrath!). Third of all, we ran in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium today like champions. Fourth of all, Tuesday is Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. Do you feel that tingling in your balls? That excitment for terrible photo shopping and awesome fun facts about our one and only Timmy? Finally, to celebrate Lisa's birthday and send Chipper Jones one last farewell from the TBB, we had a Mets game to attend on Saturday evening. This is the part of our weekend that we're going to focus on today (don't worry...we'll get to the other stuff in the upcoming weeks), but first we need to talk about our poll results from last week. Having a bit of fun with the fact that the Yankees Facebook page had gotten hacked, we asked you which MLB player's Facebook account the TBB should break into and mess with. 2 of you voted for TOWSNBN and the following status: "Going to the 98 Degrees concert with my certifiable crazy girlfriend, Lisa, where I will serenade her with I Do Cherish You." 2 others voted for Alex Rodriguez and the following status: "Reading such a hard book! I wonder how Green Eggs and Ham will end!" Just a little background information on this joke: Serena is convinced that this is the reading level that Alex Rodriguez is at. Beautiful to look at, painful to listen to. For some bizarre reason, no one chose Barry Zito and "Just did yoga! Off to get my hair did comb-over style, then call Tom Seleck on moustache advice, and then finally write back to that girl, Serena. Busy day ahead!" No one voted for David Ortiz either. His status would've been "Hope they choose me for a season of Dancing with the Stars. I think I would do a mean fox trot and look hot in spandex." Was it the spandex that turned you off?

Okay, time to discuss the Mets game. Since it was Lisa's birthday, Serena had a little surprise in store for Lisa AND we had an additional sidekick with us: Miss Sylvia, The Fit Fem. We started things off by having lunch at McFadden's. We got there so early (4:00) that the place was nearly empty. We were seated immediately and our orders were taken shortly after. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Serena had scored a major favor from Danny Ryan to reach out to his "contacts" and arrange for Lisa to be on the field for batting practice. Mets batting practice began at 5:00. Hence, the early lunch. Sylvia was aware of all of this. Lisa was not. So when the gap-toothed idiot of a waiter forgot to order Lisa's pulled pork sandwich, making us wait for our lukewarm food until 5:05, Lisa didn't know why Serena and Sylvia were so agitated. Delaying food delivery to starving animals is a nuisance, yes, but is it bad enough to warrant Serena's threat to stab him with a butter knife? Probably not. After we inhaled our food (which is mediocre, so if you're in town, just check out the bar scene. Don't bother with food), we speed walked to the Jackie Robinson Rotunda (on the other side of Citi Field, mind you) to meet Bill, a supervisor who is awesome, to be escorted onto the field (Lisa was still oblivious at this point). When Bill met us at the top of the escalator, he informed us that the Mets' batting practice was now over, but that we could see the Braves. It was at this time that Lisa understood the ramifications of that f*ckass waiter's ineptitude. As Bill escorted us to parts of Citi Field that we should never be allowed to see because we can't be trusted, Lisa whispered, "That waiter made me miss David Wright, didn't he?" Through gritted teeth, Serena replied, "Yes, Lisa. That was the plan. Now you get Chipper Jones." The vein in Lisa's forehead throbbed. TOWSNBN, just know that it all could've ended right here. Thank you, McFadden's. Thank you.

Lisa's attitude changed as soon as Bill opened the door that led to sunlight, rich people's seats, and the motherload: the area behind home plate.

The first thing we noticed is how enormous these guys are in person. Except for Dan Uggla. He's pretty damn short in comparison to Chipper.

Sylvia noticed that David Ross kept looking over at us. This could have been for a few reasons. One of them being that he thought we were f*cking hot. Two, and more likely, our "whispers" are louder than we think and he heard us talking about how big he (and his teammates) looked, how big their sausages must be, how thick their thighs were, etc. Three, he has a staring problem. So, Serena asked him to come take a picture with the birthday girl because apparently batting practice makes her extremely social. He politely informed us that he doesn't like to be yelled at (though we're not sure that we actually DID yell at him), but happy birthday, and that we should come to his cookout. Where the hell was he having a cookout? The Citi Field parking lot? Also, would Chipper be there? We have much to discuss with him. Like are his teeth real?

We also coerced him and Martin Prado to autograph a baseball for Lisa.

Bill felt bad that Lisa missed the Mets and asked her who her favorite player is. Despite his frequent attempts at ditching her, Lisa still admitted that she loves TOWSNBN. Bill said that he could TRY to fetch the royal highness from his throne in the Mets Clubhouse, but he doubted it would work. We understood. TOWSNBN was probably too busy Skyping with Kate Middleton and Prince William. Lisa said that she was also smitten with Johan Santana. Bill was more optimistic about this, offering to escort us to the bullpen while Johan was warming up for the game. Before we left the field, Bill took a picture of us.

Again, we followed Bill through the underbelly of Citi Field, only this time, we ended up in the Mets' bullpen.

From here, he posted us just outside the bullpen to wait for Johan. While we waited for him, Bill told each relief pitcher and coach that it was Lisa's birthday so every single person entering the bullpen wished Lisa a happy birthday. Among them was Dan Warthen, Jeremy Hefner, and Ricky Bones. We got video of Bones wishing her a happy birthday. He also tossed us all baseballs, a special one going to Lisa.

Finally, Johan made an appearance. He darted passed us and Bill chased him down, reminding him it was Lisa's birthday. Johan turned, tripped over his own two feet, cheerfully waved, and in a little adorable accent, wished Lisa a happy birthday. Unfortunately, he was faster than a lemur, so we had to settle for Serena taking a few pictures of him pitching rather than video feed.

Bill arranged for us to meet one of his buddies in Field Level section 126 to get an upgrade to our seats as well. Note: our seats to begin with weren't bad. We were going to be sitting next to the home run apple, but why decline an upgrade when one is offered to you? We had no idea what we were in store for. Bill's buddy led us down the steps and ended up seating us in the third row behind the Braves dugout.

TOWSNBN had no idea just how close Lisa was for several hours. No clue that the shark was slowly circling.

As you can see by the over-joyed look on our faces, we were like kids that have been unleashed in FAO Schwartz for the first time.

Unfortunately, Johan didn't have nearly as much fun as we did. In 1.1 innings, he gave up 8 runs. Woof. It was brutal. Lisa was sitting next to two very sweet Braves fans, but the chick wouldn't stop whoo hooing. Yo, your team is up by 8 in the first inning. Enough. Jeremy Hefner replaced Santana in just the 2nd inning.

Our sweet southern neighbors were also appalled by the greeting Mets fans gave Jason Bay. She sadly observed, "it's horrible. His own fans are booing him." Lisa looked at her and said, "Yeah, this is what happens in New York when you don't do anything." Needless to say, the rest of the game didn't go much better for the Mets. One guy did offer tickets to Jersey Boys because he supposedly "owned" Jersey Boys to Eric Hinske in exchange for a ball. Not even an autographed ball. We are pretty sure that Hinske gave him the ball more out of fear of a lunatic than a desire to see Jersey Boys. Basically the Braves went back to their hotel that night talking about how New York is full of crackheads thanks to that buffoon.

The Braves would go on to win 9-3.