ALDS Game #4 2012: Yankees vs. Orioles

If you follow us on Facebook, you know how much we've ranted about the new playoff format f*cking up our ticket schedule for the Division Series. Thankfully, the Yankees are a pack of morons who didn't sweep the Orioles and we got to go to our Game #4. Before we get into our delightful 13-inning experience, let's talk poll results. Lisa had asked you if you agreed with the left field ump's call in the Braves/Cardinals game that basically allowed the Cardinals to advance to the NLDS. Of 7 votes, 5 of you said, "no f*cking way" whereas 2 of you said, "hell yeah." Here's the bottom line: the Cardinals never should've had the opportunity to play that game. End of story. Now they get to play the Championship Series against the Giants. F*ck you, Cardinals. We hope you get your asses handed to you. Go Giants! Oh, and f*ck you too, MLB. Just f*ck you and all of your mothers.

We all know how the Division Series on both sides have ended. The Yankees are playing the Tigers. The Giants are playing that jack ass team from St. Louis who should be sitting at home eating wings and playing golf right now. We'll be in attendance for Game #2 of the Yankees/Tigers series, so we'll be posting about those shenanigans next week. For now, we'll talk to you about what went down Thursday night.

We arrived at the stadium with enough time for us to grab a sausage sandwich and a beer before the game started. Sausage sandwich: $8. Snazzy souvenir beer cup: $11.

 

 

We shared a table in the food court with a couple that eyed us suspiciously and whispered to each other about placing bets. We tried ignoring them at first, but eventually they popped the question that apparently had been plaguing them since we joined them. And no, it wasn't them asking if we were lesbians.
"Are you guys sisters?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Cos' you have the same mannerisms and everything."
"Nope. Not sisters."
"Wow."
Someone lost $5 over sheer stupidity. So sad.

By the time we finished scarfing our food down like animals, it was almost time for first pitch, so we hurried up all the steps that we had run up just two months ago in the Damon Runyon 5K to our seats.

Our starting pitchers for the evening were Phil Hughes and Joe Saunders. We were surprised that more O's fans weren't in attendance. Unfortunately, behind us was the biggest fratada O's fan in the franchise's history. Yes, she was that bad. Listen, we've traveled to Oriole Park for a Yankees game. Serena's been there multiple times without Lisa for Yankees games. O's fans are pretty chill. This bitch was anything but chill. We think she might've escaped from a mental institution in Philadelphia. She didn't cheer for her O's. She screamed. And when we say screamed, we mean she sounded like she was being raped and murdered in a back alley somewhere. She was also drunk, which means she had to piss a lot. Every time she had to go to the bathroom, she unsteadily groped the fans sitting in front of her so that she could make her way out of the row. One of the gropees was Serena. We all know how much Serena loves to be groped by random strangers...said no one ever. This chick was lucky that she wasn't punched in the vagina. We tried to be ninjas and take a picture of her subtley for you to see what an a-hole she was, so we pretended to take a photo of us, while trying to get a picture of her and her moron boyfriend in the background. This is how well we did:

See that phone she's holding? She dropped it on Serena twice. A-hole. On her 4 millionth return from the bathroom, we got a proper picture of her:

We should also enlighten you on some of the awesome sh*t she was screaming at the field. Let's begin with when Hughes was taken from the game. She screamed (yes, screamed, no exaggeration), "Sit your ass down you piece of sh*t! You suck!" Repeat over and over and over again. For starters, Phil Hughes is the equivalent of white bread. It's there and it totally works when you need to make a sandwich, but it really isn't all that inspiring or entertaining. Does white bread deserve to be called a "piece of sh*t?" No. We're not sure that it does. It's pretty functional when it needs to be. Secondly, Saunders was removed before Hughes! Does that make her starting pitcher a "piece of sh*t?" Does that mean Saunders "sucks" as well? At another point, we think she got really confused because she started screaming love phrases at Alex Rodriguez, who, to the best of our knowledge, plays for the Yankees. At that time, she also screamed, "let's go Yankees." Perhaps her beer had been doped. Shortly after, she returned to her O-fan status, but that didn't make us any less bewildered.

In front of us was a female Yankees fan that represented everything we hate about female fans. If you think the back of this asinine outfit is bad, you should've seen the front of it. Her hat was printed with a jeweled encrusted "Bronx Bombers," which was borderline terrifying. And her sweatshirt. Who the hell on the Yankees ever wore, "03?" That's a year, not a jersey number. Furthermore, PINK doesn't love the Yankees. They love every MLB and NFL team under the sun as long as some airhead fan is willing to buy the merchandise. You know what? PINK also loves yoga. So obviously PINK is just a love whore. That shirt probably cost her $70. Terrible.

In the bottom of the 6th, the Orioles were still leading 1-0 and we had to pee. While leaving the bathroom, we suddenly decided that we were hungry again. Like there's a f*cking surprise. We stopped at a nearby Wholly Guacomole stand and got a plate of nachos to share for $8.50. We covered it with cheese, beef, salsa, jalapeno peppers, and guacomole on the side. Sour cream is also available if you like that sort of thing.

We ate it at a nearby counter and watched the game overlooking left field. The Yankees tied up the game while we inhaled the food. We barely stopped chewing in order to high-five this small Yankee victory. This what our plate looked like when we were done:

We disgust ourselves. We got back to our seats in time for the bottom of the 8th. So shameful. Little did we know that we'd be in it for the long haul. Ichiro Suzuki singled, followed by a Mark Teixeira single with no outs. Robinson Cano moved the runners over with a ground ball to second. The Yankees had runners on second and third with only one out. This was it. The Yankees were going to win. We were going to witness the victory puppy pile at the end of the game. CC Sabathia was going to pitch Game 1 of the ALCS and we were going to get The Big Texan on Sunday. Everything was going according to plan. There was only two things standing in our way: a pair of hairy a-holes. Rodriguez struck out swinging and Nick Swisher flied out to end the inning and to not only piss off 95% of the stadium, but to encourage the fratada behind us to start screaming gibberish.

Nothing happened in the 9th, so we headed into extra innings, which we were oh so thrilled about seeing as how it was freezing, windy, and we were sitting in front of a psychopath. Plus, it was getting late, we had to take the train back, and both of us had to report to work bright and early the next day.

Lisa's remaining notes on the game were as follows: "Man in khaki pants has wood." The conversation went as follows:
Lisa: "Serena, look at that man in the khaki pants."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on."
Serena: "What?"
Lisa: "Tell me he has a hard on right now."
*Serena looks at his crotch*
Serena: "Oh, for crissakes, Lisa."
Lisa: "Exactly what is so arousing about what's happening right now? HOW can he have wood?"
Serena: "Absolutely nothing. There is nothing happening. This is the most frustrating game I've ever been to. If I was a dude, I'd have blue balls."
Lisa: "I think he's in love with his friend."
*We both turn to see them hugging each other*
Serena: "Apparently extra innings and beer make men want to express their bromance."
*Suddenly, we notice that we're surrounded by "bros" hugging each other, picking each other up, stroking each other, high-fiving each other, and being all-around in love with each other*
Lisa: "What the hell is going on?"
Serena: "This is why we're single. There are no straight men left."

Back to the game. Nothing happened. Alex Rodriguez struck out again. So did Nick Swisher. A pair of real American heroes. This is us trying to remain upbeat and positive during this time:

At the top of the 13th, the Orioles scored and the fratada screamed. We contemplated pushing her down the stairs. We didn't. We got home around 2 in the morning. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth. We are the super heroes of the week because we had to put up with all of this bull sh*t for 13 innings. It's hard to choose the a-hole of the week because this entire blog is dedicated to a-holes, but Alex Rodriguez seems to be the best choice. Sorry, Alex. We realize that you have low self-esteem (so do we) and that you're a Taco, but you've left us with no alternative.

We're off to ALCS Game #2. Will post pictures to Facebook and Twatter providing we can get internet access in that black hole of cell service. Miss you, love you, bye! Kiss noise!

Greetings from Serena’s Bed

As you may have realized based on our title that we are blogging from the comforts of Serena’s bed brought to us by the glory that is Egyptian cotton comforter. We’re confident that we will finish this blog post by kickoff. At least…that is the mission we’ve chosen to accept at this time. Last week, as we closed in on the final games of the World Series and the official end of the baseball season, we asked if you’d continuing reading our blog after it was all over. The results were…astonishing. 3 of you would keep reading if one of us showed you our boobs. On what planet did you think we’d actually show you nipple? Be serious. You didn’t think that one through, did you? You saw the word “boob” and got so excited that you went, “YES” and picked that option. We are clearly dealing with a pack of perverts here. 3 said that you would continue reading because you are “following us so that you can roofie us.” We don’t even know what to say. 2 of you were kind enough to choose, “Yes, because while I think this blog has absolutely no relevance on anyone’s day to day life, it’s quite well-written and it makes me giggle.” Why thank you. We make ourselves giggle on a daily basis. If only we had a cameraman following us around and documenting our every move, you’d be in for a real treat. This week, you’re getting 2 polls as one pertains to Lisa and the other pertains to Serena. Please vote on both. The last time we gave you two polls (one for the American League and one for the National League), you sucked hard. Please try not to be such a failure this time around. The polls are related to last week’s reference to How I Met Your Mother.

Now that the World Series has come to an end, we officially have no games to report on. Or rather, make fun of cos’ that’s really what we do. We’ll admit that the excitement in this year’s series is the fact that the Cardinals came from behind in game 6 to push a game 7. We love suspenseful 7-game series. Who the hell enjoys a sweep? It’s boring and one-sided. Sort of like when Crash Davis told LaLoosh in Bull Durham, “Don’t try to strike everybody out! Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist! Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic.” Here’s our problem with the series. Heading into it, both teams had some serious issues with pitching. The Rangers in particular had a combined ERA of over 6. That’s insane. This is supposed to be the best of baseball competing for the trophy. The Rangers had to beat 13 other teams in order to represent the American League and the Cardinals had to beat out 15 others to represent the National League. Having said that, tell us why game 7 involved the Cardinals scoring 6 runs, game 6 had a score of 10-9, and game 3 had a score of 16-7? In one friggin’ game, 23 f*cking runs were scored. WHAT??? Under what circumstances is it okay for a championship team’s pitching staff to give up that much action? That home plate saw more tail than a hooker working the Port Authority. Games 1 and 2 were more on par for what a World Series game should be with the final scores being 3-2 and 2-1 respectively. This series should have been the Tigers and the Brewers and that’s that. It would have been much more entertaining and less of a slugfest.

As promised, we continued our research regarding the MLB post season at MNF. Unfortunately, we only asked two people and we’re not sure this counts because they work at the bar and are technically forced to speak to us. Lisa chronicled their answers in her handy “Memo” feature on her asstastic phone. We’re going to directly quote what she wrote about Adam because this would only be better if she had written it on a cocktail napkin: “Adam is a bartender and he is a huge baseball fan he stull watches.” Yes. We left that typo in on purpose because that’s half the magic of this wonderful entry. That and the total lack of punctuation. Yes, folks. Alcohol WAS involved. Apparently, she did much better with Chris…probably because she had been less drunk when we spoke to him. Chris, if given the choice, would stop watching the playoffs once the Yankees were eliminated. However, since he works at a bar, he was forced to watch all of the games. His father is a Mets fan, so if the Mets had advanced, he would’ve continued watching and cheering for the Mets. Both boys are Yankees fans.

While we failed to further develop our research on this subject, we did manage to research another MLB avenue because as you know, we have ADD and we flit between topics like a bee flits between flowers. Random and with wild abandon. The topic of the evening? What is your ideal lineup? The rules? Active players only, include a 4-man rotation and a closer, add 2 utility players, draw a pretty diamond shape on a paper placemat.

Who was our first target? Why, none other than Adam (who is a bartender)! In all honesty, this only spread as enthusiastically as it did because of him. We did nothing but drink beer and wait for the results to be reported back to us. Adam’s lineup was as follows:

1B A. Gonzalez

2B Cano

3B Longoria

SS Tulowitzki

C Y. Molina

OF Gardner

OF Hamilton

OF J. Upton

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Verlander

P Lincecum

Closer Rivera

Util Pujols

Util Votto

Interesting story behind how Pujols ended up as a utility player. The man tried putting Pujols in right field because he had “played a few games out there.” Okay. Serena didn’t buy it. Are we going to start calling Jorge Posada a first baseman now? After bickering over this, Adam (who is a bartender) relented and put Upton in the outfield spot and Pujols in utility.

Adam then turned it around on us and Serena had do her own lineup:

1B Morneau (if healthy), otherwise Teixeira

2B Cano

3B C. Jones

SS Tulowitzki

C Mauer

OF Granderson

OF Ellsbury

OF Crawford

P Verlander

P Lincecum

P Halladay

P Hamels

Closer Wilson

Util Thome

Util E. Chavez

Choosing Chipper Jones as her third baseman prompted another argument. Adam also crossed off Crawford (literally. He took his pen and literally crossed Crawford’s name off). Here is why Serena will continue to stand by her choices. For starters, this is our ideal lineup. You can hate on Carl Crawford for his poor performance in Boston this year, but guess what? Prior to this season, Crawford performed in terms of fielding, stolen bases, and at the plate. He’s the complete package. One lousy season with a new team does not change that. Joe Mauer and Brian Wilson may have spent a sh*t ton of time on the DL this season, but that doesn’t change their ability to perform when on the field. Now for the defense of Chipper Jones. Yes, he’s in the twilight of his career, however, that does not change the fact that he’s a clutch performer and still one of the best switch hitters in the game. Look at photos of him batting from the right and left side of the plate. There is hardly a difference between the two swings. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Your dominant side will naturally be the better swing. Jones’ stance and swing are almost a mirror images from both sides. Amazing. Finally, when he DOES retire, Serena can replace him with a young buck worthy of the position like Evan Longoria. BOOM, baby!

Moving on to Mike and Lou who had been sitting at the other end of the bar and got suckered into this game by Adam (who is a bartender). Here’s Lou’s lineup:

1B Fielder

2B Kinsler

3B Beltre

SS H. Ramirez

C McCann

OF Gardner

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Piere

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Lee

P Carpenter

Closer Rivera

Util

Util

Lou failed to choose utility players and by the time Serena got his lineup, Lou had already left and she was unable to question him on the subject. However, by default he gets us as his utility players. Sorry, Lou. Looks like you’re f*cked cos’ here’s our baseball resume: Serena played college softball and once applied for a job with the Pittsburgh Pirates and never heard back. Lisa’s athletic history is that she was a high school cheerleader, which has nothing to do with baseball. Lisa also enjoys watching baseball from a sofa where she doesn’t have to do anything.

Mike’s lineup:

1B Votto

2B Cano

3B Beltre

SS Castro

C Napoli

OF Kemp

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Upton

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Kershaw

P F. Hernandez

Closer Krimbel

Util Fielder

Util Pujols

As you can see, both Lou and Mike opted for a 5-man rotation, which we accepted because any manager who has a hard core 5-man rotation is probably the luckiest man in baseball. Besides, we’d rather they stack up their pitching staff and not list 100 first basemen or something stupid like that. The only item on Mike’s list that we question slightly is Krimbel. He’s a rookie and if this is your “ideal” lineup, wouldn’t you want a proven closer? Someone who has been around the block a bit? What if this rookie season was a fluke?

Now…for the real gems. Both of these lineups were done by the same man with a very good sense of humor. Please remember that when you start reading them.

1B McGwire. “Maybe Mattingly”(he didn’t take steroids so that’s an issue)

2B Smith

3B Boggs

SS Ripkin

C Gary Carter

OF B. Williams (you know Serena high-fived that f*cker for this)

OF Barry Bonds (again, very pro-steroids)

OF Canseco (yay for steroids!)

P Clemens (seeing a pattern here?)

P Eckerly

Closer Andy Pettitte

Util Jo

Util Ma

Util Ma

(Read it together now: Jo Mama)

Clearly, he’s operating on a 2-man rotation with this team. Quite bold.  

Lineup Take 2:

1B Fielder

2B Mo Vaughn

3B Ray Lewis

SS Tiki Barber

C Peyton Manning

P Tom Brady

P Matt Ryan

P Mark Sanchez

P Ben Roethlisberger

Closer Albert Pujols

Util Sam Davis

Util Ryan Longwell

He obviously doesn’t need outfielders with this legendary pitching staff. It’s also quite clear that between first base, right field, and the bull pen, Albert Pujols is the most talented man currently playing baseball. Honestly, he might be onto something having Ray Lewis play third. Who in their right mind would want to advance past second with a scary mother f*cker like Ray Lewis standing on third. Dude, take third. You can have it. I don’t need to score any runs.

Speaking of scary mother f*ckers, Happy Halloween, fellow traveling baseball ghouls! Would you like to know what we dressed up as? Tough sh*t, we’re telling you anyway. Say hello to Captain Hook and Mr. Smee!

Don’t we look exactly like them? Like a mirror image, no? Kind of like Chipper Jones batting from both sides of the plate. Just sayin.’

Among our many Halloween activities this weekend, we played Rock Band for the first time. Captain took drums.

Smee got himself a guitar.

We failed miserably. We ended our “Here I Go Again” performance with only 40 fans. In our defense, we had absolutely no idea as to what the hell we were doing and at one point, we were definitely following each other’s chords because Serena distinctly remembers trying to drum to Lisa’s guitar notes like an a$$ clown. Plus, Lisa didn’t realize that she was supposed to “strum” her guitar until Chris #1’s friends sat down to “show us how it was done.” They played some really complicated death metal song at “expert level.” Whatever. Show offs. They weren’t even in costume.

By the way, it’s 1:08 and we’ve had to relocate to the living room in order to watch the Giants/Dolphins game. So...we were a little over confident in our ability to write a blog in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Seeing the time written out like that is kind of depressing.

Before we leave you, we wanted to point out a new edition to our blog. Thanks to repetitious questions, topics, and incidents, we’ve decided to create a “Rules of Engagement” section that addresses the most common of these. Check it out. Leave feedback. Maybe a few suggestions as to what we may have missed. Next week and in the weeks following, we’ll be re-writing and posting our original stadium tours in an effort to deliver a consistent format and story regarding all of our travel-related posts. Next week, we’ll bring back RFK Stadium!

By the way, it’s 1:44 pm.

Kinda, Sort of Related to Baseball

Last week we gave you a blog of nonsense. A brief, yet scary look into our minds. We apologize for this. However, in the midst of a-hole musings, we produced a tiny gem of an idea. Do people continue to watch the MLB postseason after their team has been eliminated? In light of this, we asked what you thought our experiment would bring. You apparently did not have high hopes for this investigation because 4 of 7 of you felt that we’d get nowhere and that we’d probably have some creepy, balding, and married old man hit on us and roofie us. Thank you so much for having confidence in us. To the best of our knowledge, we’ve only been roofied once. Technically, the creeper only roofied Lisa, but Lisa then gave Serena the rest of her beer, roofie-ing Serena as well. There are some who’d say that Serena roofied herself because she couldn’t leave a beer unfinished, but we’re going to stick to the story that Lisa roofied her. Anywho. 3 of you replied that you still watch the postseason even though your team sucks.

Regardless of your opinion, we did do some research during MNF. This is what we discovered:

• Tom, who is a Mets fan, watched the Yankees/Tigers series and once the Yankees were eliminated, watched only the Tigers/Rangers games in which Justin Verlander pitched. He wasn’t interested in the World Series at all, but did recently confess to us that he watched both World Series games.
• Tom’s friend, Uncle Robin, doesn’t watch baseball at all. So that was a waste of an interview. However, he IS a Dolphins fan, so that should tell us a lot about the person we were dealing with here.
• Linda, who is a Yankees fan, is all about the postseason because Albert Pujols is “a hot piece of ass.” We’re not sure what the response would’ve been if the Cardinals hadn’t advanced.
• Big Daddy, who is a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and he’s rooting for Texas, which we find a little weird since most National League fans stick to National League teams. However his reasoning is that he hates the Cardinals because of Tony LaRussa. Not sure what his issue is with LaRussa, but ok. Plus, Texas “is known for ice cold beer and good steaks.”
• Laurie, who is also a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and is rooting for the Cardinals because they beat the Phillies.
• Colin, who looked like a yeti and is yet another Mets fan, continues to watch, but not passionately. He also doesn’t care which team wins…which sounds kind of boring to us, but whatever floats your boat.
• Richard had an opinion as well, however by the time Serena interviewed him, she had had several beers and was more interested in the plate of wings sitting in front of us, so she forgot to take note of his answer. Obviously, it wasn’t very interesting because she would’ve remembered it otherwise.

We met up Maria and her friend, Ming at Foxwoods this weekend to see Kathy Griffin perform. We had every intention of doing additional research among the mixed New England residents, but here’s what happened instead:

• As usual, alcohol played a huge part.
• We went dancing and were sexually harassed by the drunk Plaid Patrol.
• Lisa lost all of her money on the slots.
• Serena took off her shoes.
• Maria did not hit it big and buy us all mink coats like she said she would.
• We were extremely unsuccessful interviewing the female gender as we were apparently the target of Mean Girl behavior.
• We had no recollection of the research we were actually supposed to conduct until we were half-passed out in the taxi cab heading back to the hotel.

However, the weekend was not an entire waste. We did learn the following:

• Highway McDonald’s do not have $1 Menus. A-holes.
• When the chance arises, Serena will definitely pet a shark.
• Lindsay Lohan baked cupcakes for dead people, which means she is definitely on drugs.
• Big Papi was sighted at Foxwoods, an establishment he apparently frequents often. Lisa thought she spotted him at a craps table, but Serena assured her that there was no way that David Ortiz would be wearing a Red Sox jersey to Foxwoods. It wasn’t even his own jersey.
• There is a secret city beneath Foxwoods that the A-listers use when they arrive at the resort.
• The “loosest slots on Connecticut” are not as loose as the women that hang out at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods.
• To party at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods, a woman should wear a dress short enough to expose her vagina and a man should wear plaid.
• At Foxwoods, Lisa is the equivalent to Barney from How I Met Your Mother, but only because she has a gambling problem and Serena is like Robin, except she’s not Canadian. Suit up, ey? In reality, however, if we weren’t at Foxwoods, Serena would still be Robin (or Barney to be quite honest) and Lisa would actually be Ted, constantly searching for her true love.
• The location of Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts was not there.

Based on our meager sample of polled individuals, it seems that people DO continue to watch the MLB postseason, but don’t really give a sh*t what happens. If we remember, we’ll continue polling people tomorrow at MNF. We’d ask you to email us your thoughts, but that’s a waste of time and effort as you never send us anything.