Top 10 Reasons That Make This Year The Best World Series

We know that we owe you our post on our recent (sort of recent...as in over a month ago) trip to Philadelphia, but we figured that a commentary on the World Series would be a little more relevant. Plus, our overdue Philly post isn't going to become any less overdue if you've got to wait another week for it. We're pretty confident that you'll get over it. 

1. Jake Arrieta. All of him. If you've seen this year's issue of ESPN's Body, then you know what we're talking about. He looks pretty sexy with his clothes on too.
2. An entire series without Bryce Harper and all his douchey-ness. We just can't.
3. Game 7. Finally, a series to live up to the hype. Neither team totally dominated and neither team was dominated. The trophy was hard earned. Game 7 itself was enough to give someone a heart attack. If the Yankees or Mets had been in this series, we're not sure we would have had the balls to stomach it.
4. A unique matchup. We haven't seen the Cubs or Indians in the World Series in a long time. The last time we saw the Indians, it was 1997 and the Cubs' last visit to the World Series was in 1945. We weren't even alive for that. We've seen the rest of the playoff teams from this postseason in recent years. Therefore, the Cubs and Indians were a nice change.
5. Unless you are a Cubs' or Indians' fan, you chose what side you were on based on your favorite baseball movie. Major League vs. Rookie of the Year.
6. Stress free. Granted, this probably doesn't apply to you if you're an Indians' fan or a Cubs' fan, but for us, it was an immensely enjoyable experience watching two teams that we weren't emotionally invested in play quality baseball.
7. Bill F*cking Murray. At every single game. Being Bill Murray.
8. Discovering the true height of Andrew Miller. How did we not notice this when he was with the Yankees? Do pinstripes create the illusion of petite-ness? Also, why is no one addressing the elephant in the room? He's legitimately a giant. He probably needs his pants custom made. There's no way the "tall" section of the Gap accommodates a 6'7'' body frame.
9. Corey Kluber's Game 1 pitching performance, which included striking out 8 of his first 9 outs.
10. Our old friend, David Ross, became the oldest player in Major League history to homer in Game 7 of a World Series. Sidenote: were you aware that 39 years old is considered to be, "old?" Kill us.

Without further ado, welcome to the fray, all you bandwagon Cubs' and Indians' fans that are sure to come out of the woodwork next season with your freshly purchased team jerseys/shirts/hats. Allow us to introduce you to the Blue Jays' fans.

Since We've Been Gone...

So, we've been the worst bloggers in history. We gave you Baltimore action and then flat left you. We didn't even cover the playoffs - a post season in which a New York team was represented. However, in our defense, we've been extremely busy. And also popular. Since we feel like we owe you a little bit of an explanation, we'll detail our timeline from the Baltimore game to today.

We'll start with just a few weekends after we traveled to Baltimore and went to a Yankees doubleheader. At the end of September, we ran in the Tunnel 2 the Tower 5K with Auntiedukes, Stephanie, Julia, and Julia's extremely tall sidekick.

The Saturday immediately following the Tunnel 2 the Tower Run, we ran a half marathon with Stephanie. After we crossed the finish line, this extremely handsome firefighter took a photo with us. Unfortunately, he tried to pose for a photo with us before giving Serena her medal and that was simply unacceptable, so she yelled at him. We were a little cranky from running for over 2 hours.

As if 13 miles weren't enough, Serena and Auntiedukes chose to walk in the Avon 39 NYC event shortly after. Lisa, Aunt Cathy, Mamadukes, Roberta, Stephanie, and Julia came out to cheer them on.

Feeling randy from our recent athletic endeavors, we chose to go pumpkin picking and participate in all of the farm's children's activities.

We laid low from that point on until Halloween. We spent our time busy like beavers to ensure the perfection execution of our Halloween costumes. In the end, our hard work and attention to detail paid off. We partied at a bar in Chelsea within view of the Empire State Building. Erin and The Favorite traveled down from Boston to join us. Behold the kick ass crossover super hero crew:

 

 

During this time, as you know, the Mets were chipping their way through the Division Series, Championship Series, and into the World Series. We tried to cross another item off the NYE resolution list by acquiring tickets to one of these playoff games, however Lisa felt slightly wronged. The Mets required her to enter a lottery in order to have the opportunity to purchase tickets. Lisa received an email that she didn't qualify to purchase for the Division Series, which was a bummer. Both of us agreed that we wouldn't pay the ass raping prices of StubHub for these tickets. We have pride. Sometimes too much pride, which bites us in the ass, but in this case, it served our bank accounts well.

All was not lost. The Mets advanced to the Championship. This time, Lisa qualified. By the time she got tickets, all that was left were tickets to "game 4." We discussed this while foam rolling at the gym.
"Oh! I got us tickets to game 4. That's all that was left."
Serena: "Are you sure it's for game 4 and not the fourth home game?"
Lisa: "No. It says game 4 on the tickets."
Serena: "Oh, that's new. They didn't used to do it that way."
Lisa: "Yeah. We definitely have tickets to game 4."
Serena: "Cool."

Fast forward:
Lisa: "Sooooooo, it turns out we have tickets to game 7."
Serena: "I knew it."
Lisa: "Yeah, so this game will either be extremely epic or a goddamn nightmare. We'll either be celebrating or I'm going home crying."

As you know, the Mets never made it to game 7 because they swept the Cubs. Side note: Lisa only just got her money back today. Way to be on top of that, Ticketmaster. So quick to take the money, but not so quick to give it back.

Onto the World Series. Lisa received yet another rejection email from the Mets.

Meanwhile, all around us are these fake bandwagon Mets fans going to the playoff games. It was infuriating. Here we are, supporting our teams and each other through good times and not so good times, through old stadiums and new. Faithful to the end. Then these buffoons come in here with their clean, shiny, brand new Mets memorabilia with the tags still on it and take our ticket opportunities away. That's really all we have to say on this subject. We don't want to talk about it anymore.

Back to our busy, fun-filled schedule. Today, we ran what may or may not be our final run for the year (there's talk of a turkey trot at the end of the month, but we're unable to confirm or deny that at this time): the Damon Runyon 5K. Today was our 4th go round of this particular race, Stephanie's second, and Dan's first. We're proud to say that we broke his run cherry. Once again, Lisa was displeased by the idea that walkers got a medal as well as the runners since they didn't do half the work that we did. Lisa was also extremely put out by the fact that there was no cheese table. In fact, she was so upset by this injustice that she inserted the word, "cheese" into random sentences throughout the rest of the day. After our run, we ate, drank coffee, and napped (not in a puppy pile).

Now, we wait for the Giants to blow it either in the last final games of the season or in the first round of the playoffs, we wait for spring training, we wait for the Bronx Zoo run, and we wait for Opening Day. In the midst of this, perhaps we will actually get our shit together and plan a stadium tour.We do only have seven stadiums left and as per usual with us, as we get down to the wire, we start dragging our feet.

PS - our ADD caused this blog post to take over 2 hours to write. Wait until the baseball season and all of our game photos, people. ALL DAY blog posts. ALL DAY.

Offseason Planning

You're probably expecting an entire blog about how great we are...don't worry, you'll get that. Just not yet. We've got other stuff to cover first. For starters, our 2014 stadium tour. With Mamadukes' conversion from New Yorker to boring Floridian, we've decided to choose the Rays as one of our next stadiums. Serena has already been to the Trop with an ex-boyfriend several years ago and she's warned Lisa to imagine watching a game in her garage...only worse. Cos' there are no couches or bowls of chips and salsa. The question now is where else will we go? Here are the options:

• We revisit the original plan for last season to hit Texas and Arizona
• We modify our "Big Bang Tour" to hit Detroit, Cinci, Cleveland, AND Pittsburgh and do Pittsburgh solo next season

Here are the pros and cons:

• If we do Texas & Arizona on top of Tampa Bay, that's FOUR stadiums off the list.
• Four stadiums = a shit-ton of travel arranging. A shit-ton of travel arranging = a shit-ton of money we don't really have right now (and also time off from work). Which means we won't be able to buy the cowboy hats and boots that we really want.
• If we do Pittsburgh, our travel expenses drop drastically.
• Removing Pittsburgh from our "Big Bang Tour" makes the trip a little less epic.

While we debated the arguments on both sides, we made baked mac and cheese for football Sunday.  Funny backstory to the recipe we made today. One of Serena's fonder memories of one of her ex-boyfriends was his baked mac and cheese dish...and that's pretty much it. That's basically all he has to offer to our planet. They supposedly had an "amicable" breakup, but when she asked him for the recipe, he gave it to everyone in the office but us. Even people who didn't ask for it. We're not kidding. He also stole Mema's cheese grater when he moved out to ensure that we wouldn't make this recipe (because we're lazy and therefore, wouldn't replace the cheese grater). However, our persistence paid off. We found a co-worker willing and able to make a photocopy of his recipe for us. Which brings us to today...8 years later. We told you we were lazy. We were hoping to avoid spending $20/each at Taco Bell. We ended up eating half of the dish and passing out during Jets' halftime instead of using that time wisely and blogging. Or making a decision regarding our stadium tour. We were apparently found passed out with our empty plates and the internet machine turned on. We woke up to a picture of us sleeping in Serena's text messages. At the very least, if the internet machine was on, we had the best intentions to blog.



We're willing to listen to your opinions. Provided they're not stupid. Post your thoughts regarding our potential plans for our stadium tour for the upcoming 2014 season in the comments section for this blog post.

Now for the moment we know you've been waiting for. Our epic Halloween greatness.

Apologies for the enormous nature of this photo. Once again, Blogger is the very definition of an a-hole. We apparently can't control the formatting of our own blog posts because this forum sucks donkey dick.

 

Unfortunately, there were a good deal of individuals that didn't have a clue as to who we were, which makes us question the moral compass of this nation. We were called Fozzy Bear, Sexy Bear, Cop, Bounty Hunter, Pirate, and one a-hole in particular asked if we were hunters from Tennessee. Supposedly this man has a college degree and passed the bar exam, but now we're questioning whether or not he found his law degree in a Happy Meal because that was one of the dumbest statements we've ever heard. What the f*ck does a hunter from Tennessee look like and why is he familiar with this look? A bar posted a photo of us from their Halloween party on their Facebook page and he continued to stick to this idiot assessment in the comment section of the photo. Needless to say, for these heinous crimes against humanity (and us...the greatest people you will ever know), Old Man Ed is the a-hole of the week. We want to make this clear. When we say old, we mean a T-Rex once chased him out of his man cave. He was present for the second day when God said, "let there be light." He replied, "Oh, thank god." He is personally responsible for the dinosaurs not making it onto Noah's Ark because he's a life ruiner.

 

Despite these hiccups, we managed to score third place at the bar's costume contest last night. Two of the bartenders assured us that we deserved to win the entire contest, but we're not going to bellyache TOO much.

Jinkies & Zoinks!

We're going to be brief today because New York and New Jersey is in the midst of preparing for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy (or as Serena's been calling it for some unknown reason, "Hurricane Steven." Lisa thinks it's because Serena misses Steve and that this has just been a pyschological freudian slip). The good news, folks, is that despite the supposed impending apocalypse, the stores are well-stocked with Twinkies. No water or batteries or anything like that, but there's a ton of Twinkies. Plus, if you hit up a Stop-N-Shop, Twinkies are on sale. A little bit of coverage on the World Series and a little bit of coverage on the Halloween festivities to date, which we know you're all looking forward to. Before we get into the important stuff, we must first discuss our poll. You people suck balls. NO ONE voted? This is a first. Not even since our very first blog post have we ever experienced such a blatant f*ck you from our readers. We asked if the NFL should get a new SNF introduction. Did you not know what "SNF" meant? Aren't you sports fans? You're dead to us. Pack of a-holes. You really are. We shouldn't even GIVE you any Halloween pictures, but we're going to anyway because we're amazing.

First, the World Series. If you've been following, you know that the Tigers are in the hole by 3 games. While we're not saying we want the Tigers to necessarily WIN the series, we will be pretty disappointed if the Tigers get swept. What a lame, ho-hum way to close out the baseball season. It's only funny if the Phillies and Red Sox are swept. The good news is that since the season is now so ridiculously long, we'll only have to wait 3 months for spring training. Just two worthy notes: Barry Zito. Talk about a complete 180. The man's been on fire. His curve ball is back to its sexy status, the comb-over is gone, the moustache has been shaved, balance has been restored. Serena's gonna need the 5:00 shadow to come back though. Clean shaven does not suit him. Also, Timmy's been rocking the SH*T out of the bullpen. You can thank us, SF fans, for this transformation because we're the ones who gave him the regiment of success. Obviously he's been following it faithfully.

Now for Halloween shenanigans. As you may be aware, we dressed as Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo. Let's start with Friday night, shall we? We were a massive hit at the gala we attended. The Mystery Machine was coveted by all. Scooby was loved and more importantly, we were worshipped like celebrities. Just look at this sh*t:

Our friend, Kathleen looked like the bomb diggity as well. The best part is that she never smiled in her photographs like the legit Edward Scissorhands.

Unfortunately, we were all senselessly robbed in the Halloween contest. For starters, Kathleen wasn't even in the final five!!! Seriously? She was "outdone" by a crappy ninja. We call BULLSH*T! We were in the final two and we lost to some kid in an oompa loompa costume! He didn't even paint himself orange! Plus, he was entirely too tall. He was taller than us...which, we should add, does NOT make us midgets. How did you expect people to pick adults over a kid? We were set up to lose. It was a fixed contest. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone kept approaching us afterwards and telling us that they voted for us.

We did win a silent auction prize for a Disney excursion which is pretty awesome. What's more awesome is the fact that Mama Leone has been telling people that we won this prize for best costume. Yup. We'll totally support that rumor and spread that story like a Herpes on a whore.

No problem. We had another night of festivities planned for Saturday night. A bar we were going to was holding a cash prize costume contest. We had this in the bag seeing as how children are not allowed in bars...or so we thought. Since the bar was so crowded, we left the Mystery Machine behind, but Scooby joined us.

Do you know how many people didn't know who we were??? If you questioned us, you're only a slight moron, but the fact that Scooby Doo was rolling with us should've clarified all of your doubt! These people were clearly deprived. A select few individuals recognized us immediately and we instantly became these people's favorite costumes. Batman said we were the best female costumes in the place and that we "totally made sense." A sluttly Bud Light, Cat, and Bunny insisted they take pictures with us. Slutty Pocahontas insisted on an impromptu dance party with us. Neytiri from Avatar high-fived us. Maverick tried to unsuccessfully hit on Velma ("everyone knows that Velma was the inner dirty girl, right?") and a guy not in costume stole Velma's classes and tried to mack it to Daphne because he "had a crush on Daphne as a kid." Jinkies! He realized that Daphne was a cartoon, right? A taco wearing a sombrero gropped both Daphne AND Velma separate occasions.

Failure of the night: A bank robber tried this line on Velma:
Bank robber: So...can I borrow a book from you?
Velma: Huh?
Bank robber: Can I borrow a book from you?
*Did Velma carry a book around and I just don't remember it?* Velma: What?
Bank robber: Can you loan me a book?
Velma: A book?
Bank robber: Aren't you a sexy librarian?
*Look of anger and outrage* Velma: NO! I'm Velma!!!
Bank robber: Uh...
Velma: Didn't you watch Scooby Doo when you were younger????
Bank robber: Uh...yes? Uh, oh, right. I got it.
Velma: Ugh. Idiot.
*Stomps off in a rage to find Daphne*

What kind of sexy librarian rocks a bowl haircut and orange knee socks??? Moron. We knew immediately that we weren't going to win the contest. The judge was a slutty cowgirl and she wrote down the following costumes as competitors: 1 of 10 slutty Minnie Mouses, slutty zombie Japanese dolls, 1 of 5 Julius Caesars, and a ton of lingerie girls wearing a variety of animals ears. Disgusting.

On a brighter note, Scooby Doo knows how to throw down and party. He drank beer with us:

Boogied down on the dance floor:

He was just an all-around good time. He was the best date. He even offered to be the designated driver.

We've got one last chance to win a contest and that's on Wednesday. We don't care if it's just a lifetime supply of pizza or something. We just want to win the prize that we deserve.

Happy Halloween, folks! To all of our Northeastern residents, be safe, stay dry, and stay drunk.

Greetings from Serena’s Bed

As you may have realized based on our title that we are blogging from the comforts of Serena’s bed brought to us by the glory that is Egyptian cotton comforter. We’re confident that we will finish this blog post by kickoff. At least…that is the mission we’ve chosen to accept at this time. Last week, as we closed in on the final games of the World Series and the official end of the baseball season, we asked if you’d continuing reading our blog after it was all over. The results were…astonishing. 3 of you would keep reading if one of us showed you our boobs. On what planet did you think we’d actually show you nipple? Be serious. You didn’t think that one through, did you? You saw the word “boob” and got so excited that you went, “YES” and picked that option. We are clearly dealing with a pack of perverts here. 3 said that you would continue reading because you are “following us so that you can roofie us.” We don’t even know what to say. 2 of you were kind enough to choose, “Yes, because while I think this blog has absolutely no relevance on anyone’s day to day life, it’s quite well-written and it makes me giggle.” Why thank you. We make ourselves giggle on a daily basis. If only we had a cameraman following us around and documenting our every move, you’d be in for a real treat. This week, you’re getting 2 polls as one pertains to Lisa and the other pertains to Serena. Please vote on both. The last time we gave you two polls (one for the American League and one for the National League), you sucked hard. Please try not to be such a failure this time around. The polls are related to last week’s reference to How I Met Your Mother.

Now that the World Series has come to an end, we officially have no games to report on. Or rather, make fun of cos’ that’s really what we do. We’ll admit that the excitement in this year’s series is the fact that the Cardinals came from behind in game 6 to push a game 7. We love suspenseful 7-game series. Who the hell enjoys a sweep? It’s boring and one-sided. Sort of like when Crash Davis told LaLoosh in Bull Durham, “Don’t try to strike everybody out! Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist! Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic.” Here’s our problem with the series. Heading into it, both teams had some serious issues with pitching. The Rangers in particular had a combined ERA of over 6. That’s insane. This is supposed to be the best of baseball competing for the trophy. The Rangers had to beat 13 other teams in order to represent the American League and the Cardinals had to beat out 15 others to represent the National League. Having said that, tell us why game 7 involved the Cardinals scoring 6 runs, game 6 had a score of 10-9, and game 3 had a score of 16-7? In one friggin’ game, 23 f*cking runs were scored. WHAT??? Under what circumstances is it okay for a championship team’s pitching staff to give up that much action? That home plate saw more tail than a hooker working the Port Authority. Games 1 and 2 were more on par for what a World Series game should be with the final scores being 3-2 and 2-1 respectively. This series should have been the Tigers and the Brewers and that’s that. It would have been much more entertaining and less of a slugfest.

As promised, we continued our research regarding the MLB post season at MNF. Unfortunately, we only asked two people and we’re not sure this counts because they work at the bar and are technically forced to speak to us. Lisa chronicled their answers in her handy “Memo” feature on her asstastic phone. We’re going to directly quote what she wrote about Adam because this would only be better if she had written it on a cocktail napkin: “Adam is a bartender and he is a huge baseball fan he stull watches.” Yes. We left that typo in on purpose because that’s half the magic of this wonderful entry. That and the total lack of punctuation. Yes, folks. Alcohol WAS involved. Apparently, she did much better with Chris…probably because she had been less drunk when we spoke to him. Chris, if given the choice, would stop watching the playoffs once the Yankees were eliminated. However, since he works at a bar, he was forced to watch all of the games. His father is a Mets fan, so if the Mets had advanced, he would’ve continued watching and cheering for the Mets. Both boys are Yankees fans.

While we failed to further develop our research on this subject, we did manage to research another MLB avenue because as you know, we have ADD and we flit between topics like a bee flits between flowers. Random and with wild abandon. The topic of the evening? What is your ideal lineup? The rules? Active players only, include a 4-man rotation and a closer, add 2 utility players, draw a pretty diamond shape on a paper placemat.

Who was our first target? Why, none other than Adam (who is a bartender)! In all honesty, this only spread as enthusiastically as it did because of him. We did nothing but drink beer and wait for the results to be reported back to us. Adam’s lineup was as follows:

1B A. Gonzalez

2B Cano

3B Longoria

SS Tulowitzki

C Y. Molina

OF Gardner

OF Hamilton

OF J. Upton

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Verlander

P Lincecum

Closer Rivera

Util Pujols

Util Votto

Interesting story behind how Pujols ended up as a utility player. The man tried putting Pujols in right field because he had “played a few games out there.” Okay. Serena didn’t buy it. Are we going to start calling Jorge Posada a first baseman now? After bickering over this, Adam (who is a bartender) relented and put Upton in the outfield spot and Pujols in utility.

Adam then turned it around on us and Serena had do her own lineup:

1B Morneau (if healthy), otherwise Teixeira

2B Cano

3B C. Jones

SS Tulowitzki

C Mauer

OF Granderson

OF Ellsbury

OF Crawford

P Verlander

P Lincecum

P Halladay

P Hamels

Closer Wilson

Util Thome

Util E. Chavez

Choosing Chipper Jones as her third baseman prompted another argument. Adam also crossed off Crawford (literally. He took his pen and literally crossed Crawford’s name off). Here is why Serena will continue to stand by her choices. For starters, this is our ideal lineup. You can hate on Carl Crawford for his poor performance in Boston this year, but guess what? Prior to this season, Crawford performed in terms of fielding, stolen bases, and at the plate. He’s the complete package. One lousy season with a new team does not change that. Joe Mauer and Brian Wilson may have spent a sh*t ton of time on the DL this season, but that doesn’t change their ability to perform when on the field. Now for the defense of Chipper Jones. Yes, he’s in the twilight of his career, however, that does not change the fact that he’s a clutch performer and still one of the best switch hitters in the game. Look at photos of him batting from the right and left side of the plate. There is hardly a difference between the two swings. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Your dominant side will naturally be the better swing. Jones’ stance and swing are almost a mirror images from both sides. Amazing. Finally, when he DOES retire, Serena can replace him with a young buck worthy of the position like Evan Longoria. BOOM, baby!

Moving on to Mike and Lou who had been sitting at the other end of the bar and got suckered into this game by Adam (who is a bartender). Here’s Lou’s lineup:

1B Fielder

2B Kinsler

3B Beltre

SS H. Ramirez

C McCann

OF Gardner

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Piere

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Lee

P Carpenter

Closer Rivera

Util

Util

Lou failed to choose utility players and by the time Serena got his lineup, Lou had already left and she was unable to question him on the subject. However, by default he gets us as his utility players. Sorry, Lou. Looks like you’re f*cked cos’ here’s our baseball resume: Serena played college softball and once applied for a job with the Pittsburgh Pirates and never heard back. Lisa’s athletic history is that she was a high school cheerleader, which has nothing to do with baseball. Lisa also enjoys watching baseball from a sofa where she doesn’t have to do anything.

Mike’s lineup:

1B Votto

2B Cano

3B Beltre

SS Castro

C Napoli

OF Kemp

OF Ellsbury

OF J. Upton

P Verlander

P Halladay

P Sabathia

P Kershaw

P F. Hernandez

Closer Krimbel

Util Fielder

Util Pujols

As you can see, both Lou and Mike opted for a 5-man rotation, which we accepted because any manager who has a hard core 5-man rotation is probably the luckiest man in baseball. Besides, we’d rather they stack up their pitching staff and not list 100 first basemen or something stupid like that. The only item on Mike’s list that we question slightly is Krimbel. He’s a rookie and if this is your “ideal” lineup, wouldn’t you want a proven closer? Someone who has been around the block a bit? What if this rookie season was a fluke?

Now…for the real gems. Both of these lineups were done by the same man with a very good sense of humor. Please remember that when you start reading them.

1B McGwire. “Maybe Mattingly”(he didn’t take steroids so that’s an issue)

2B Smith

3B Boggs

SS Ripkin

C Gary Carter

OF B. Williams (you know Serena high-fived that f*cker for this)

OF Barry Bonds (again, very pro-steroids)

OF Canseco (yay for steroids!)

P Clemens (seeing a pattern here?)

P Eckerly

Closer Andy Pettitte

Util Jo

Util Ma

Util Ma

(Read it together now: Jo Mama)

Clearly, he’s operating on a 2-man rotation with this team. Quite bold.  

Lineup Take 2:

1B Fielder

2B Mo Vaughn

3B Ray Lewis

SS Tiki Barber

C Peyton Manning

P Tom Brady

P Matt Ryan

P Mark Sanchez

P Ben Roethlisberger

Closer Albert Pujols

Util Sam Davis

Util Ryan Longwell

He obviously doesn’t need outfielders with this legendary pitching staff. It’s also quite clear that between first base, right field, and the bull pen, Albert Pujols is the most talented man currently playing baseball. Honestly, he might be onto something having Ray Lewis play third. Who in their right mind would want to advance past second with a scary mother f*cker like Ray Lewis standing on third. Dude, take third. You can have it. I don’t need to score any runs.

Speaking of scary mother f*ckers, Happy Halloween, fellow traveling baseball ghouls! Would you like to know what we dressed up as? Tough sh*t, we’re telling you anyway. Say hello to Captain Hook and Mr. Smee!

Don’t we look exactly like them? Like a mirror image, no? Kind of like Chipper Jones batting from both sides of the plate. Just sayin.’

Among our many Halloween activities this weekend, we played Rock Band for the first time. Captain took drums.

Smee got himself a guitar.

We failed miserably. We ended our “Here I Go Again” performance with only 40 fans. In our defense, we had absolutely no idea as to what the hell we were doing and at one point, we were definitely following each other’s chords because Serena distinctly remembers trying to drum to Lisa’s guitar notes like an a$$ clown. Plus, Lisa didn’t realize that she was supposed to “strum” her guitar until Chris #1’s friends sat down to “show us how it was done.” They played some really complicated death metal song at “expert level.” Whatever. Show offs. They weren’t even in costume.

By the way, it’s 1:08 and we’ve had to relocate to the living room in order to watch the Giants/Dolphins game. So...we were a little over confident in our ability to write a blog in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Seeing the time written out like that is kind of depressing.

Before we leave you, we wanted to point out a new edition to our blog. Thanks to repetitious questions, topics, and incidents, we’ve decided to create a “Rules of Engagement” section that addresses the most common of these. Check it out. Leave feedback. Maybe a few suggestions as to what we may have missed. Next week and in the weeks following, we’ll be re-writing and posting our original stadium tours in an effort to deliver a consistent format and story regarding all of our travel-related posts. Next week, we’ll bring back RFK Stadium!

By the way, it’s 1:44 pm.

Kinda, Sort of Related to Baseball

Last week we gave you a blog of nonsense. A brief, yet scary look into our minds. We apologize for this. However, in the midst of a-hole musings, we produced a tiny gem of an idea. Do people continue to watch the MLB postseason after their team has been eliminated? In light of this, we asked what you thought our experiment would bring. You apparently did not have high hopes for this investigation because 4 of 7 of you felt that we’d get nowhere and that we’d probably have some creepy, balding, and married old man hit on us and roofie us. Thank you so much for having confidence in us. To the best of our knowledge, we’ve only been roofied once. Technically, the creeper only roofied Lisa, but Lisa then gave Serena the rest of her beer, roofie-ing Serena as well. There are some who’d say that Serena roofied herself because she couldn’t leave a beer unfinished, but we’re going to stick to the story that Lisa roofied her. Anywho. 3 of you replied that you still watch the postseason even though your team sucks.

Regardless of your opinion, we did do some research during MNF. This is what we discovered:

• Tom, who is a Mets fan, watched the Yankees/Tigers series and once the Yankees were eliminated, watched only the Tigers/Rangers games in which Justin Verlander pitched. He wasn’t interested in the World Series at all, but did recently confess to us that he watched both World Series games.
• Tom’s friend, Uncle Robin, doesn’t watch baseball at all. So that was a waste of an interview. However, he IS a Dolphins fan, so that should tell us a lot about the person we were dealing with here.
• Linda, who is a Yankees fan, is all about the postseason because Albert Pujols is “a hot piece of ass.” We’re not sure what the response would’ve been if the Cardinals hadn’t advanced.
• Big Daddy, who is a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and he’s rooting for Texas, which we find a little weird since most National League fans stick to National League teams. However his reasoning is that he hates the Cardinals because of Tony LaRussa. Not sure what his issue is with LaRussa, but ok. Plus, Texas “is known for ice cold beer and good steaks.”
• Laurie, who is also a Mets fan, continues to watch the postseason and is rooting for the Cardinals because they beat the Phillies.
• Colin, who looked like a yeti and is yet another Mets fan, continues to watch, but not passionately. He also doesn’t care which team wins…which sounds kind of boring to us, but whatever floats your boat.
• Richard had an opinion as well, however by the time Serena interviewed him, she had had several beers and was more interested in the plate of wings sitting in front of us, so she forgot to take note of his answer. Obviously, it wasn’t very interesting because she would’ve remembered it otherwise.

We met up Maria and her friend, Ming at Foxwoods this weekend to see Kathy Griffin perform. We had every intention of doing additional research among the mixed New England residents, but here’s what happened instead:

• As usual, alcohol played a huge part.
• We went dancing and were sexually harassed by the drunk Plaid Patrol.
• Lisa lost all of her money on the slots.
• Serena took off her shoes.
• Maria did not hit it big and buy us all mink coats like she said she would.
• We were extremely unsuccessful interviewing the female gender as we were apparently the target of Mean Girl behavior.
• We had no recollection of the research we were actually supposed to conduct until we were half-passed out in the taxi cab heading back to the hotel.

However, the weekend was not an entire waste. We did learn the following:

• Highway McDonald’s do not have $1 Menus. A-holes.
• When the chance arises, Serena will definitely pet a shark.
• Lindsay Lohan baked cupcakes for dead people, which means she is definitely on drugs.
• Big Papi was sighted at Foxwoods, an establishment he apparently frequents often. Lisa thought she spotted him at a craps table, but Serena assured her that there was no way that David Ortiz would be wearing a Red Sox jersey to Foxwoods. It wasn’t even his own jersey.
• There is a secret city beneath Foxwoods that the A-listers use when they arrive at the resort.
• The “loosest slots on Connecticut” are not as loose as the women that hang out at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods.
• To party at the “nightclubs” in Foxwoods, a woman should wear a dress short enough to expose her vagina and a man should wear plaid.
• At Foxwoods, Lisa is the equivalent to Barney from How I Met Your Mother, but only because she has a gambling problem and Serena is like Robin, except she’s not Canadian. Suit up, ey? In reality, however, if we weren’t at Foxwoods, Serena would still be Robin (or Barney to be quite honest) and Lisa would actually be Ted, constantly searching for her true love.
• The location of Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts was not there.

Based on our meager sample of polled individuals, it seems that people DO continue to watch the MLB postseason, but don’t really give a sh*t what happens. If we remember, we’ll continue polling people tomorrow at MNF. We’d ask you to email us your thoughts, but that’s a waste of time and effort as you never send us anything.

Would You Say, Chuck?

We were quite interested to see who you felt would win the 2011 World Series. We’re not sure if you noticed, but all of your options were teams that came in last place within their division this season…oh, and the Dallas Cowboys just for laughs. Of 7 votes, 4 people showed confidence in Buck (rhymes with…?) Showalter and the Baltimore Orioles. 1 person went with the Kansas City Royals and 2 people voted for the Seattle Mariners. We’re thinking that was The Favorite and his brother. Just a hunch. Honestly, out of this rabble, the Orioles are probably the team that will be most improved come the 2011 season. We’re pleased to see that you didn’t vote for Dallas. You’ve come a long way with your joke choices. We’re proud of you.

We found a really funny piece of news regarding Yankees fans this week. Apparently Kristin Lee, wife of Cliff Lee, and the Rangers’ CEO were unhappy with the behavior exhibited by Yankees fans during the ALCS. Let’s confront Kristin’s situation first. She claims that she was “spit on,” “cursed at,” and had “beer thrown at her.” Okay, where the hell was she when this happened and what was she doing? Was she standing on the street corner outside of Stan’s? Aren’t the players’ families kept together? If so, wouldn’t there be extra security in that vicinity? Furthermore, how the hell did anyone know who she was in order to attack her directly? We saw Leah Thompson at a café in Los Angeles and barely recognized her. Why would we recognize Cliff Lee’s wife? In fact, we don’t even know what she looks like. The only MLB wives that we’d recognize is Mrs. Maxim USA, Anna Benson and Alex Rodriguez’s ex-wife and this is only because there’s been a ton of publicity surrounding these women. We have no doubt that she witnessed ridiculous and obnoxious behavior. We’re talking about hyped up men loaded up on liquor. Never a good combination. Why don’t you come on down and experience the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, Mrs. Lee? See what that’s really like. The question is: was this behavior REALLY directed specifically toward her? We're doubtful.

Okay, say we let go of all our suspicions regarding her story. Let’s say we believe all of it. Why didn’t she report this offensive behavior to security immediately? We’re not sure about what happens in other cities and venues, but we’ve been to enough sporting events and concerts at New York arenas to know that security is tight and no joking matter. Lisa was forced to throw out a lunch box at Yankees Stadium because they thought it could contain suspicious material. A lunch box, people. Do you really think that drunken men would get away with spitting on someone, let alone a woman, let alone an athlete’s wife, without security throwing their weight around? If all of this happened like she said it did, why didn’t she ask for help? Those jerks would’ve been escorted out of the building at once. We’ve seen it happen all the time at Yankees Stadium, Shea Stadium, Citi Field, Madison Square Garden, and Nassau Coliseum for lesser offenses.

Rangers CEO, Chuck Greenberg, called Yankees fans “violent,” “apathetic (Serena’s personal favorite),” and “an embarrassment.” Those are some big words for someone named Chuck. Of course, Chuck made sure to compliment the “great” behavior of his own fans…because apparently Texans don’t drink and/or act out. Yeah….OKAY. He later apologized for being a rude jerk who lumped all drunk frat boys under the umbrella of “Yankees fans.” Chuck, we have a common expression here on the east coast that you may have heard of: “Assume makes an ass out of you and me.”

We’re not condoning jerk-off behavior and we’re certainly not saying that New York fans are the best behaved in the world because that’s simply not true. We’re just saying that you need to wake up and smell the coffee. You must be delusional if you think that this kind of BS only happens at Yankees Stadium. Mrs. Lee, what do you think would’ve happened if the Phillies made it to the World Series and your precious husband had to face his former team? We assure you that they would not have welcomed you OR him with open arms. In fact, out of all the fans that this country has to offer, we’d wager that Phillies fans WOULD actually Google you in order to see what you look like and not for good reasons. No matter how much crap we’ve witnessed at our own stadiums, we’ve never seen someone piss on the bumper of a car driven by a fan of the opposite team or experienced 9 year old boys throwing ice at us. We’ve never read about a fan purposefully puking on another fan at Yankees Stadium. This all happened at Citizens Bank Park. We’ll chock up the pissing and the puking to high alcohol intake (even though it’s still unacceptable), but what about the kids throwing ice? Pretty sure that’s just bad behavior condoned by a-hole parents. Hey, Chuck (also rhymes with…?), is pissing on a Mets fan’s bumper an embarrassment? Or is that totally cool with you? Purposefully puking on someone else? You okay with that? What about ice throwing? Is that violent? What do you think? No? Yes? Maybe?

On to things more IMPORTANT than Chuck and Kristin, the Giants have won their first World Series since 1954 and we both won bets! Boo-yah, Rangers! One of our original fans, Mamacita, went to the celebration parade on Wednesday. Hopefully, she’ll accept our offer to write a guest blog regarding her experiences, as well as send fantastic pictures. It’ll be a nice change of pace for you. You’ll probably like her better than us anyway. She’s more attractive (she looks like Eva Mendes) and has a better personality.

In TBB career news, Jeff Wilpon has called us in for our second round of interviews for the Mets open Manager position. We flew through the first round strictly because we’re able to enunciate words properly. Unfortunately, this means that David Wright will probably have to leave the team as the details of his restraining order against us are blatantly being violated. We’ve probably got a good shot at the job being that we’re locals and the Mets have already taken Serena’s advice and fixed Jeff Francoeur’s terrible music choices…sadly, they misinterpreted her advice and got rid of him entirely, but what can ya do? Once we take over, we’ll avoid misunderstandings of that nature. Mets fans, you have nothing to fear. We’re gonna make things right. Vote TBB 2011.

Last thoughts of today’s blog involve this off season’s free agents. Of the 142 total free agents now on the market, the names of interest are Derek Jeter, Carl Crawford, Jayson Werth, Cliff Lee, Mariano Rivera, Victor Martinez, Jim Thome, and Manny Ramirez. Let’s face it, the Yankees are resigning Jeter. No question. They’ll probably keep Mariano as well, but only sign him for a short term contract. And our gut tells us that the Phillies will retain Werth and his facial hair…cos’ there’s something really special about that woodland scene growing on his face.

That leaves us Carl Crawford, Victor Martinez, Jim Thome, Cliff Lee and Manny Ramirez. We know that they probably don’t have the money to do so, but it would be foolish for the Rays to let Crawford walk. He’s basically the face of that franchise (even though they’ve been grooming Evan Longoria for that role). There aren’t many men that can perform like Crawford. Rays, if you’re listening, fork up the money and sign him. Have a bake sale or something if you have to. Just do it.

Cliff Lee probably won’t come to the Yankees thanks to his wife and there aren’t many options for teams who’ll be able to pay him the money he seeks. Other than the Yankees, there’s the Phillies (HA! Good luck with that one, Mrs. Lee), the Red Sox (who already has a rock solid pitching staff as long as all men stay healthy and again, good luck with that one, Mrs. Lee. Boston’s not a city for whiners), and the Mets (who…how do we say this? Don’t tend to go for men of Lee’s “type.” And in any case, this would just put Miss Prim and Proper back in New York). That leaves Lee to deal with the Rangers, a team he claims to want to remain with. He may have to accept a lower salary offer. On the flip side, the Rangers should sign Lee. They need a Cliff Lee-type pitcher in their rotation. Without an ace, their staff becomes comparable to many other teams’ pitching staffs and overall just less sexy and exciting.

The Red Sox should keep Martinez. There aren’t better options out there for a catcher and are you really going to rest the 2011 season on Jason Varitek? Probably not. We also think that, while we love him, Thome’s going to retire. He’s had a great run, but the sun is setting. We’d hate for him to retire when it’s too late. Lastly, we think that Ramirez SHOULD retire…and perhaps take a shower. We’re just throwing it out there. He’s a disaster and what he brings to the table in terms of talent no longer outweighs his baggage.

We’re giving TBB Super Hero Honors to Bob, Serena’s co-worker, because he bought her an egg sandwich today. YES!

Rounding things out with Simon and Garfinkle: “Here’s to you Mrs. Lee, Philly holds a place for those who spit. Hey, hey, hey. What’s that you say, Mrs. Lee? Philly loves you more than you could know. Woah, woah, woah.”

Hip Hip Parade!

Before sharing our eyewitness account of the Yankees Ticker Tape Parade, let’s discuss last week’s poll results. The turn out was pretty abysmal with only 6 votes. We’ll give you a reprieve this week because you were probably too tired from staying up all night, watching the World Series to vote. You better make it up to us next week. We want at least 20 votes (one for each of our handmade cancer ribbons…which is another story entirely and one we won’t get into here. Please see our Facebook page for more details). 4 of you agreed with us and voted for New York, the city that never sleeps. No one voted for Philly, which doesn’t shock us. What DOES shock us is the fact that New York did not win unanimously. 1 of you voted for Oakland, who didn’t have a chance in hell in going to the post season back in April and 1 of you actually voted for Dublin, a city without a baseball team. Don’t get us wrong, Dublin is probably a rockin’ town, but it still doesn’t have a baseball team, much less a team in the World Series. Besides that fact, how many of you are taking the day off from work to fly to Ireland to witness this imaginary World Series parade?

Now for the moment you’ve all been reading for: The Traveling Baseball Babes reporting live (or rather, post-live) from the 2009 Yankees Ticker Tape Parade. Bright and early, we grabbed Dunkin Donuts coffee and the 6:59 train out of Bellmore into Penn Station. Once there, we met up with Tech Support Sean and his trusty sidekick, Steve. Tech Support Sean works in the financial district on Fulton Street, so he escorted us on the 2 train to Fulton and left us at a prime position against a police barricade on Liberty and Broadway (which situated us approximately in the middle of the parade route) before heading back to work for a meeting. It was 8:00. He said he would meet us once his meeting ended. Please note: the parade was not scheduled to start until 11:00. As you can see in the picture of us on the train below, in addition to our Yankees gear, we rocked our Oral and Testicular Cancer hats!

There was continuous stream of photographers and news cameras while we waited. Since one member of the TBB (who we shall not name specifically) was supposed to be in bed with “stomach issues,” it was imperative that she not get photographed. In an effort to avoid being recognized, this particular TBB disguised herself as Angelina Jolie. We think it worked well, though no one asked her for her autograph which was a little weird. Maybe we were surrounded by a lot of Team Anniston members?
Initially, the crowd wasn’t too bad. However, by 10:00, it became impossible to move. Our fingers toes were numb. As you can see in the picture below, we had become on intimate terms with our surrounding fans just because of proximity. We became worried that the crowd would become too dense for Tech Support Sean to get through to us.
Time passed extremely slowly. Thankfully, the people with us happened to be very funny. One guy in particular called out repeatedly, “Where’s Jimmy Rollins? Game 5! Jimmy Rollins!” A beach ball was tossed around to keep everyone’s spirits up in the cold.
Bank of America was on the corner that we were stationed at. Not only was the entire staff standing at the windows the entire time (and most likely not fielding your customer service calls), but they continued to dump huge balls of shredded paper out of the windows. This isn’t something that they should be criticized for. EVERYONE dumped paper from the window, but they were not even creative or smart enough to pull the ball apart. As a result, fans below were literally pelted with chunks of shredded paper. A bit awkward to say the least. Another bone that we had to pick with them was the fact they also threw whole pieces of paper out of the windows (which alone, wasn’t enough for us to criticize them for). A girl next to us grabbed one of the pieces and looked at it. Someone’s account and personal information was printed all over it. Um, hello? Confidential? Shouldn’t that be shredded? The guys with us began cheering for TD Bank, which made us laugh.
Fans picked up some of the ball clumps and tossed it around the crowd. As you can see, we got the brunt of one particular clump.
Finally, at about 11:30, the first signs of the parade began to show near us.
At this point, it became extremely difficult to maneuver. Even though we were practically in the front row, we were still forced to pass the camera back and forth to get optimal picture positions. EVERYONE wanted to get good pictures, therefore everyone tried to jockey for the best spot. We could only get one arm up at any given time. Thank God we had Steve. He was our buffer between us and most of the people behind us. Had it not been for him, we may have been steam rolled and crushed against the barricade.
MVP Matsui and the trophy were among the first of the floats to pass by:

As the parade continued, we saw other assorted people that we didn’t know in addition to the players and their families. Brett Gardner followed Matsui shortly after, photographing us photographing him:
Throughout the entire event, people continued to throw toilet paper and confetti from the windows of the surrounding office buildings, creating a blizzard effect.
AROD apparently traveling on Jay-Z’s float, but we didn’t see him (perhaps he is the man in the jazz man hat and sunglasses?):
AJ Burnett and Jose Molina shared a float (though we only got AJ in our picture):
Nick Swisher offered us the Swisher Salute (which we failed to get a picture of as well):
YES game commentator, John Flaherty stopped by in a pretty sweet ride with his kids:
CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira were very enthusiastic and fun to greet as they drove by:
Derek Jeter got one of the bigger receptions by the crowd in our area, but that isn’t really a surprise:
We got a great shot of Andy Pettitte (if we do say so ourselves). Andy rode the float with Jorge Posada, who we were unable to snap a picture of. Both men were also a lot of fun to cheer on. They greeted both sides equally and had a lot of energy like CC and Tex.
Naturally, the man closing out the parade was none other than Mariano Rivera:
Before turning to leave (or try to leave), we took one last photo of the paper snow flakes filling the sky:
Shout out to Tech Support Sean who bought us lunch before sending us on our way to Penn Station. Steve was nice enough to escort us and wait until we boarded our train before returning to the Port Authority to grab his own bus back to New Jersey. We roll with such wonderful peeps in our entourage. We grabbed the 2:06 train back to Long Island. It was a relief to sit in the warmth after standing for four hours in the cold. The strangest parts of our bodies hurt! Our hamstrings and calf muscles were extremely stiff from being restricted for so long. Our knees were excruciating. Having played competitive sports her entire life, Serena had never experienced this kind of pain in her knees before. Our lower backs were crying too (presumably from standing). We finally pulled into the Bellmore train station around 3:00 completely exhausted, but ready to blog.
Last but not least, today’s baseball notes. Surprisingly, there’s a lot. A lot of nonsense. The Chicago Cubs are expected to bid for the 2014 All Star Game, which will coincide with the celebration of Wrigley’s 100th anniversary. Derek Jeter and Albert Pujols won the Hank Aaron Award for best offensive players in their leagues. Aaron himself presented Jeter with his award prior to Game 4 on Sunday. Pujols was unavailable as he was recovering from elbow surgery. We find this a bit perplexing. What does an elbow have to do with being able to stand on a baseball field and receive an award? Jeff Francoeur underwent surgery on a torn ligament in his left thumb on Monday. It is anticipated that he will be ready for spring training. In the bone head of the year move (Milton Bradley, you can now step down), the Philadelphia Inquirer has apologized for mistakenly running an ad in Monday’s edition congratulating the Phillies for winning back to back World Series titles. At the time, the Yankees led the series 3-1. Wow. That is embarrassing. In more Cubs related news, Ted Lily had athroscopic surgery to clean up debris (What IS that? Like scrap metal? How does one get debris within their shoulder?) and labrum fraying (which sounds extremely painful) in his left shoulder on Tuesday. He should be able to begin throwing again in four months. In true Plaxico Burress style, Vincente Padilla is recovering from a bullet wound in his leg after a target shooting instructor accidentally shot him on Wednesday. At blogging time, the YES Network announced that JJ Hardy was traded from the Milwaukee Brewers to the Twins for Carlos Gomez.

Billy Idol summarized the day best with his #1 hit, “It’s a nice day for a ticker tape parade!”