Why We Don't Belong on Film

**Sorry for the delay in posting, folks. The content was ready for a Sunday night post, but technical difficulties with the video stalled things a bit.**

So you morons asked for more video footage of us. We've acknowledged this request and acquiesced. Probably not the best decision of our lives, yet here we are. Before we give you this atrocity, we thought you'd might like a brief recap of what went down after we left you on St. Patrick's Day:

• We bring Baby J to a parade in Farmingdale that lasts a total of 20 minutes. We steal a balloon for him. Before the age of 2, Baby J becomes an accessory to theft thanks to us.
• After the brief, pathetic parade that included a rapist leprechaun and a ginger moustache on a fire truck, we bring Baby J to a bar to eat wings and to start our binge drinking. We're very responsible adults. We each have 3 beers.
• Bar #2 (Baby J's parents take Baby J home for a nap). 1 beer each. Creepy crowd. We leave.
• At Bar #3, we bump into some people we know and a douchebag in a track suit. It's sad to say that we know him as well.
• After another 3 beers each, we leave for Bar #4. Yuengling. Draw scribble scrabble all over the darts scoreboard in chalk.
• At Bar #5, Serena professes her love for the bartender and he for some god forsaken reason, allows her to cover him with shamrock stickers. Drink beers we'd never heard of at his recommendation. Not sure how many.
• Accept a free Jameson shot from a tattoo-covered creep-a-zoid.
• Decide we are hungry and need a cab to take us home. Unfortunately, we are too drunk to dial ourselves, so the bartender needs to do this for us. Great impression.
• Share a cab with a couple who we become best friends with. Hug our new BFF's when we get dropped off first.
• Lisa passes out on the couch while Serena lays in starfish pose in the livingroom. Chris #2's assistance is required to remove Serena's boots.
• Block of time that we cannot account for.
• More Yuengling.
• Serena's roommate calls pizza place and tries to convince the pizza girl to come over.
• Lisa still draped across the couch.
• Serena pretends to swim across the livingroom rug. Demands that Chris #2 get her wristlet, to which Chris #2 replies: "I don't even know what you're saying right now. What is a wristlet?"
• Block of time we cannot account for.
• Archer marathon from Serena's bed.
• Morning.
• Serena discovers that Lisa had attempted to eat Irish soda bread in the night and left raisins in the comforter and pieces of bread under her nightstand.
• Apparently Serena had tried to unsuccessfully light her cigar from the beer festival.
• There are no further memories of this day.

Now, without further delay, here's your stupid video. Apologies for the dubbed Japanese Godzilla movie nature of the video. Apparently portable internet machines are NOT the best method for shooting mock Sportscenter clips nor are they spectacular for uploading. Who would've guessed?

This week's baseball notes:
TOWSNBN still has a side boo boo and while it's not certain that he won't be ready for Opening Day, it's not looking promising. Also not to be ready for Opening Day? Derek Jeter, who still a hot mess, will most definitely be starting his season off on the DL. On the topic of injured idiots, apparently it's been declared that any player that was injured during the WBC will have their salaries paid by the WBC while they're unable to perform for their teams. These jokers shouldn't have been playing in the tournament to begin with. Their responsibilities are owed to their team, not to an imitation Olympic tournament that shouldn't include professional athletes. Yet, still these overpaid a-holes are going to get their enormous salaries regardless.

The Yankees are on the verge of acquiring Vernon Wells in a trade with the Angels that will most likely cost the Yankees Jeter's other foot. What purpose Wells stands to serve for the Yankees is truly beyond our comprehension. **UPDATE** Vernon Wells is officially a Yankee. Hooray for all.

Finally, to commemorate the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School earlier this year, the victims will be honored across the league during teams' Opening Day ceremonies. Players will wear a memorial patch on their uniforms and the stadiums will hold a moment of silence.

2013 New Year's Resolutions - TBB Style

Greetings, fellow earthlings. It's been awhile (since we could hold our heads up high. And it's been awhile since we first saw you). Hope you didn't miss us too much. We've got some news for you about our upcoming stadium tour, but before we get into that, let's discuss the poll we'd left you with in our absence. Since we wouldn't be posting anything new until after the new year, we asked you what type of old blog we should share on Facebook to keep you company during our "vacation." No one voted for one of our imaginary dialogues, which is a little bizarre seeing as how this one is beyond epic. What's the next level above epic? Anyone know? 1 lousy person voted for a letter. Are you freakin' kidding us? Our letters are hilarious. We're starting to think that you don't enjoy our stupidity. Add the fact that the majority of votes (a whopping, awe-inspiring 3) chose a stadium tour and we're concerned that you enjoy reading about our travels more than reading about the sh*t that makes us laugh. Pretty strange. Being that this blog is entitled "Traveling Baseball Babes" and all. 2 people voted for one of our shenanigans. To appease this group, here's your token shenanigan blog.

Before we get into tonight's primary topic, we have a few items of business to discuss. Let's start with the 2013 stadium tour. We know that you voted last year to send us to Arizona and Texas, but due to some financial constraints and time off restrictions, we've had to change plans. We hope you can forgive us. Instead of Cactus Country, we'll be heading to St. Louis and Kansas City. It won't be 3 stadiums, but we're still giving you at least 2. Hopefully, this is satisfactory. If not, tough sh*t. Go take a ride on our suck stick.

Last order of business is New York Opening Day. There was some speculation that we might be able to attend both games together because MLB hadn't posted the Yankees/Red Sox start time. Usually when they have a start time listed as "TBD," the game gets bumped as the late game for television purposes. We figured we'd attend the afternoon Mets game and head over to the Bronx for an evening of baseball. Alas, as usual, the Evil Empire (MLB) had alternate plans for us. They recently announced that the Yankees would have an afternoon start time, directly conflicting with our genius plans of pure Opening Day awesomeness. Now...Lisa is stuck going with Fred #2, who doesn't tailgate and doesn't like to stay past the 7th inning (traffic) and there's a good chance that Serena will be flying solo. By the way, in case you're wondering how you can sweet talk your way into attending the game with Serena, the following statement should not be made: "Of course I'm looking forward to this matchup! I love the Red Sox!" No, it does not make it better if you partner it with: "I promise not to wear my Red Sox hat." Just a word of advice, guys! She'll not take kindly to it. And if you're standing next to her when you deliver either of these statements, you'll probably get a d*ck punch.

Turns out, the Yankees and Red Sox were dumped in favor of the new AL West matchup: Rangers vs. Astros. This is both interesting and pathetic.

Finally, onto the TBB's New Year's Resolutions for the blog...and other assorted items. We promise to attempt to do the following for you this year:

1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure this out.
2. Cover the remaining playoff games from a bar. Literally. As in, we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack their wifi (the password is often the bar's phone number, just so you're aware), and cover the games. In addition to a blog post, we'll actively post commentary to Twatter ( @TravelingBBabes...follow us. Do it).
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa.
4. Post more video of us interacting with buffoons like you at baseball games. Actually, we'll just post more video of us in general. We're idiotic enough for you.
5. Visit and blog about our travel to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
6. Attend Star Wars night! At any stadium. Serena will try to smuggle her lightsaber in her purse. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has had her lightsaber confiscated.
7. Win a Halloween costume contest.
8. Score 200 followers on Facebook, but we're gonna need your help with this one. Share with your friends and peer pressure/blackmail/bribe your friends into loving us. Spread us like a whore spreads STD's! (www.facebook.com/TravelingBaseballBabes)
9. Dive deeper and unlock the mystery of the Subway Series. Why do Yankees and Mets fans hate each other so much?
10. Spy a professional baseball player in plain clothes. We stress, "professional." You and your beer belly running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants you haven't washed in months does not count as a "baseball player."
11. We're going to try to be more attractive for you. Again, we stress, "try." We can't promise you anything since we don't have the money to afford plastic surgery, but we will make every effort to clean up nice. As nice as we possibly can.
12. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. And then posting video of these a-holes for yours and our amusement. Insert evil laugh.
13. Attempt securing tickets to the All Star Game at Citi Field. If not the game or Home Run Derby, we'll strive to cover the Fan Fest activities.
14. Bring Auntiedukes to the Mets game that we've promising her since 2011.
15. Establish a weblog-type shenanigan. This is a working progress that will require outside support aka: Brother's friend, Mike.
16. Go to Billy's by Yankees Stadium during Guido Fest so that Lisa can finally meet the guido of her dreams.
17. Serena will finally gain employment with the Yankees organization. Even if it means that she's responsible for cleaning all of Derek Jeter's 4 million shoes that's in his locker.
18. Get on the jumbotron together. At any stadium.
19. Be recognized at a game for being the world-reknown Traveling Baseball Babes. Hoo-rah.
20. TBB world domination. 2013

We will revisit this list this time next year and discuss how well we did. Hopefully, we accomplish at least one thing or else we're literally the most pathetic human beings alive. Who knows? Maybe Lisa will even be married with child by then.