How Did You Land This Bitch?

Okay, it’s becoming quite clear that you’re all going to die morons. We asked if you’ve ever been a wild life attack victim and 1 of you actually said that we were being ridiculous and from what you’ve heard, the snake wasn’t even that close to us. You even asked us to stop telling this story. Just stop right there you nit wit. You weren’t there. Until you experience the sight of a non-venomous version of the black mamba hissing and gliding its way across your trail AND a very, very angry, non-yogic rattlesnake being angry, you should shut your filthy mouth. Furthermore, the snake was close enough to us to be a threat. Lastly, you’re an a-hole. The end. 1 of you said that “yes, you were a member of an elite group of individuals. Not everyone can say that. It’s like being struck by lightning.” Serena’s pretty confident that this 1 person was Lisa. She continues to deny this.

You may have been able to guess what today’s post is about, but in case you couldn’t, we’ll enlighten you now: how the f*ck did some of these ugly bastards playing professional baseball land these hot bitches? Let’s start with Russell Martin, the couple we found to be most offensive. Martin’s girlfriend is Marikym Herviuex. Sounds ugly, right? Wrong. Check out this picture of her. If we looked like that, we’d walk around in our knickers 24/7 whether the public wanted us to or not. Have you people SEEN what Russell Martin looks like? Let’s put it this way, if we saw him at a bar and we were completely hammered and desperate for action, we still wouldn’t take him home. Note: if you don’t hear from us next week, we’ve returned to Harriman State Park and jumped off the mountain, having sufficiently destroyed our self-esteem looking at this woman in her lingerie.

CJ Wilson is dating super model Lisalla Montenegro. We should preface this slight rant by saying we would do terrible, horrible things in bed with CJ Wilson if we were given the chance because he’s ridiculously hot, however, he’s crazy. We never met him personally, but we don’t roll with people who don’t drink. How could you possibly trust a man that does not enjoy the taste of liquor on his lips? His straight-edged lifestyle also includes no drugs or promiscuous sex. All Serena heard from that interview was, “no sex.” No sex=no way in HELL would we ever go on a date with you. We don’t care how hot you are. In fact, if you’re that hot and we’re dating you and there’s no penetration, we’re either going postal or suicidal. How is it possible that two people as hot as Wilson and Montenegro aren’t f*cking like rabbits 24/7? If we had a man that looked like that and kept himself in that kind of shape, we’d never leave the bedroom. Screw getting up for work. What’s the point? Who needs food? Clothing? All of life’s basic necessities are worthless if you’re spending your entire life banging the crap out of your hot baseball man. We wish you the best of luck, Lisalla. May you never run out of batteries. Oh, god, we just realized something terrible. Not only is there a good chance Lisalla won’t get penetration before a ring is involved, but she’ll never experience the joy of drunk, messy sex. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Brad Penny is gross, yet this man managed to bang Alyssa Milano (who we still hate), Eliza Dushku, and Karina Smirnoff. Does this man have the biggest penis in history? What IS it about this man and hot ladies? In his case, it’s definitely not money. He’s not the highest paid baseball player in the league and these women are all quasi-famous and independently well-off. To top it off, Penny is also a d*ckhead, so it’s not his personality that’s attracting these bees to honey.

Johnny Damon literally looks like a chimp/caveman. His head is enormous and he’s a jack a$$ to boot. Plus, if we’re to be perfectly honest, we’ve seen little league softball players throw the ball farther than he can. Yet look at this picture of him and his wife (and that random comedian). She’s hot. He’s a disaster who probably throws his own feces. WTF? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What was his big move that lured her into this trap? “hey, baby, allow me to drag you by your hair into my cave where I will bed you on my wooly mammoth bedspread. Me want woman. Grunt, grunt.” Hooooooooooootttttttt. What we always wanted in a man. We’ve been going to Croxley’s every week in hopes that some jerk will come over, grab us by our hair, drag us off the bar stool and into the parking lot to have his way with us.

Kevin Youkilis looks like Paul Bunyan, but despite this unfortunate genetic mishap, he still was able to convince this poor woman, Enza Sambataro, to marry him. He’s now engaged to Tom Brady’s sister, who isn’t entirely gross, but also is in no way shape or form comparable to Youkilis’ ex-wife. Did Sambataro wake up one morning and realize the mistake she made? We refuse to believe that Youkilis left her. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK. There is a Chia Pet on his chin. It’s a Chia Chin.

Brett Tomko is easily on the Top 10 Ugliest Dudes list (along with Kevin Youkilis). Please explain what in the hell a former Playboy model like Julia Schultz sees in someone that gross? She probably thinks of herself when they have sex. How else could you mentally bring yourself to be penetrated by someone like Tomko unless you’re thinking about how hot you are? Or some other hot dude that may have once rubbed up against? Or you’re actively having an affair while avoiding penetration with your ugly husband?

In conclusion, WTF?!

Baseball notes:

There are a few, but there’s only one that matters and that is Matt Cain’s perfect game. It’s the first perfect game in San Francisco Giants history and he did so by striking out 14 of the batters he faced. Here’s the video of the final play of the game. What remains is one last question that we know everyone is asking: who is this mysterious blonde woman being escorted onto the field? A lover, sister, girlfriend, wife, mistress, neighbor, personal physician, dog walker, side kick? Furthermore, how does one get escorted onto the field? We know how to get thrown OUT of places, but how do we get INVITED in? We could’ve been there right alongside Timmy and Mr. Porn-stache USA high-fiving and jumping and karate kicking and just having a great time celebrating Matt’s success. We could’ve thrown a pie in his face and taken him out for body shots afterwards. We would’ve paid for his shots because we’re really nice and he deserves it. Anything he wanted. Café Patron? A Lemon Drop shot? A Blow Job shot (AS IN AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE…we’re not into blondes, HELLO)? Sure, it’s a little girly, but it’s his night to shine and if he wants a girly shot, he’s entitled to a girly shot. But, no. No one ever invites us to celebrations. It’s completely baffling. We’re hilarious, for starters. Second of all, we’re very good at drawing moustaches on people’s fingers, and thirdly, if you don’t like being drawn on, we have bottle moustaches. OH! And fourthly, we can quote many hilarious movies in their entirety, such as Horrible Bosses, Couple’s Retreat, Wedding Crashers, Old School, Hangover, The Other Guys, and Elf.

Remembering 9/11

In honor of the 10-year anniversary marking one of the worst tragedies our nation has ever faced, we are not going to do a traditional Traveling Baseball Babes post this week. We felt that our typical a-hole sense of humor would be inappropriate on an important day like today. Therefore we’ve extended our poll for another week (so you can continue to leave your feedback regarding Operation Hot Brother) and listed this week’s baseball notes below.

Remember to thank a fire fighter and police officer today (and every day) for their hard work and selfless dedication.

Baseball Notes:

Last night, Jorge Posada made an appearance behind the plate for the first time all season thanks to a Russell Martin injury, who had taken a foul tip off of his thumb in the 2^nd. From the get go, the Angels sought to test the unpracticed veteran. Howie Kendrick singled and then tried to steal. Posada gunned Kendrick down at second fairly easily. The throw to Robinson Cano was high, but there with plenty of time for Cano to bring the ball down to apply the tag.

In walk-off fashion, Evan Longoria’s single in the 11^th inning last night allowed the Rays to defeat the Red Sox 6-5 and continue to nibble at the Sox’s lead in the American League Wild Card race, pulling within 4 ½ games. The Red Sox loss also helped the Yankees maintain their American League East supremacy for now since they were awesome enough to lose 6-0 to the Angels.

It’s All Very Historic

Tis’ the season for contract signings and player shuffling. Some teams, like the Phillies and Red Sox, have been making splashes in the news with their moves. Other teams (ahem, cough, the Mets, ahem, cough) haven’t done much at all. It is this lack of production by Mets management that prompted us to ask if you felt that they’re revamping the team in the best possible way. All 5 votes went to the TBB because if we ran the show, we “would’ve handled sh*t by now.” No one believed that management was doing okay since by 2020, the team was sure to be a playoff contender, but no one thought that the Mets needed to crack open the piggy bank and sign someone worth signing either. While we appreciate the vote of confidence, we’re pretty sure that the Mets just need to use their wealth for good instead of evil (or BS).

The big hullabaloo this week has been over Cliff Lee resigning with the Phillies. Shocking, not because he blew off the Yankees (c’mon…did anyone REALLY think he was coming here?), but because it was the stealth ninja Phillies who won the battle for less years (5 instead of 7) and less money ($30 MILLION less…not $30. $30 MILLION). One might think that Lee must really hate New York to make a decision like that. However, Lee claims that he’s got “nothing against New York” nor does he “fear New York.” He says that Philly is simply a better fit for him and his family (aka Mrs. Lee). Certainly a pitching rotation that includes Roy Halladay is infinitely more enticing than one comprised of a fickle AJ Burnett, potential retiree Andy Pettitte (regardless of his impressive resume), and CC Sabathia. Indeed, we’ll go so far as to say that Halladay is the best pitcher in the game right now and his accomplishments occurred predominantly while pitching for a team without any shot at the post season thanks largely to the dominance of the Red Sox and Yankees. All that aside, Mrs. Lee (and we know it WAS Mrs. Lee who flexed her influential “Good for the Family” muscles) is foolish to think she’ll find better-mannered fans in Philadelphia than in New York. If she found spitting on another person foul (and trust us, it IS foul and totally out of line), wait until someone pukes on a fellow fan just because (click here to read more).

Please understand that it’s not that we’re picking on him because we find Lee inherently douchey or anything like that (truly, we’re not sure that he IS douchey), but to refer to his new pitching staff as “historic” is a bit arrogant. Oh, yes. Halladay IS historic (or at least will be the day he steps down). While Lee is legitimately talented, he’s not Halladay. Had it been Halladay (not that this was an option for the Rangers, but hypothetically speaking) on the mound for Game 5 in the World Series, we’re pretty sure that the series would have gone to Game 6. That being said, does anyone think that Ted Williams described himself as “historic?” Did the players of Murderer’s Row take a look around at one point and say to themselves, “F’n A, Cotton. We’re HISTORIC?” No. These men played the friggin’ game and they did it well. People loved them. These are players that had an aura and a mystique about them that CREATED history. When players like Mickey Mantle and Lou Gehrig began to deteriorate before our very eyes, it was like watching magic fail. That’s why we still talk about them with such reverence. We don’t want to remember their deterioration because it breaks our hearts. We want to remember who they WERE and what they accomplished. Just like these historical and magical players before him, Halladay is something special to watch…even if slightly terrifying (especially on the night of a full moon). Lee doesn’t have it. Neither does Cole Hamels. And as tough as the Phillies rotation is, no one is going to build Mount Rushmore in their name.

Lastly, before anyone commends him for picking a team just to play the game instead of for their bank account, it should be noted that Lee’s hardly making peanuts to pitch for the Phillies. He’s still the 6th starting pitcher in history to garner a contract worth $100 million or more. Oh and Mrs. Lee? Enjoy the sports culture in Philadelphia. We’re confident you’ll find it…shocking enough to be considered art.

In other baseball news, the A’s signed designated hitter/outfielder Hideki Matsui to a 1-year deal and we’re really not sure why, but that’s not our concern. Sources claim that Rich Harden has agreed to return to the A’s with a 1-year deal, pending a physical. While Harden had a great run in his early years with Oakland, he had a pretty rough 2010 season with the Rangers, going 5-5 with a 5.58 ERA in 20 appearances. He managed to walk 62 batters in 92 innings. Eeeek! Reportedly, Bob Geren is planning on using Harden out of the bullpen, already having 4 solid starters and multiple options for a 5th.

The Commissioner announced on Wednesday that the minimum salary for an MLB player is rising by $14,000 to $414,000 year. This means that the lowest guy on the totem pole/roster is making at least $414,000/year to be the least productive guy on the team. Is there another career option that offers this kind of money? That’s completely insane. Why did we study and get good grades when all we had to do was be a male with athletic abilities? We feel so cheated.

The potential for a Christmas Miracle (also known as Carlos Beltran being traded to another team...or planet) has officially been squashed. On Thursday, when asked about trade rumors, Beltran said he'd only just heard about them when a cousin in Puerto Rico informed him. Do you not own a television or have internet? You get paid enough. He said that since he did not receive a call from his agent or the Mets, he assumes the reports are merely rumors. Beltran also claims that he only wants to play for the Mets in 2011. Sure he does. Who wouldn’t want a scenario where you don't have to produce anything, play below your ability, and remain on the DL while receiving an obscene paycheck?

While the Phillies landed Cliff Lee, the Yankees have signed former All Star pitcher Mark Prior to a minor-league contract with an invitation to spring training. Prior began his extremely promising career (even though he sported a ridiculously offensive Billy Goat-type Brazilian chin strip) with the Cubs, pitching alongside Kerry Wood and nearly winning the NL Cy Young in 2003 when he was only 22 years old. Unfortunately, injuries have since plagued the man and he hasn’t pitched in the majors since 2006. This is scary. The Red Sox sign big names like Adrian Beltre and Carl Crawford and you sign an injury-laden pitcher who may or may not be able to live up to his former glory. Yikes. If Prior performs well enough in spring training to earn a spot on the regular season roster, it’s still unclear as to whether he’ll be utilized as a starter or out of the bull pen. Our guts say that given his lack of playing time, he’ll have to be used as a reliever…at least at first. The Yankees have also officially announced that former Dodgers’ catcher Russell Martin will be their new full- time catcher. The contract is only for 1 year and worth $4 million with the expectation that his presence will help ease the transition between Jorge Posada and the prospect, Jesus Montero. Martin currently has a broken hip mending and a surgery scheduled for today to repair a torn meniscus. If these injuries heal as they should, Martin will take over duties as starting catcher. Um…but what if they don’t??? Posada has already been notified that he’d primarily serve as the team’s designated hitter, which definitely makes sense given the issues with his knees and losing his bat would be a detriment to the lineup. What is interesting about this scenario is what happened to Francisco Cervelli? We’d hate to see someone with his kind of heart get swept under the rug without any sort opportunity to fight. Everyone is still waiting for Andy Pettitte to make his decision about retirement. With the signing of Lee, the options for starting pitching are minimal and his decision is more important than ever now. If they’re only left with CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett as our big guns, Serena might jump in front of a bus.

Finally, a source told ESPN that Kerry Wood will be returning to the team that initially signed him in 1995, pending a physical with Cubs’ team doctors. The base salary is supposedly for $1.5 million for 1 year, but since the deal isn’t exactly complete, the details have yet to be worked out. Rumor has it that Wood rejected an offer from the White Sox that was worth twice as much as what the Cubs offered. The Yankees also apparently made Wood an offer (the specifics of it are unknown to us) that he declined and Serena feels a bit sad about this. He performed well for the Yankees out of the bullpen, especially when they needed him most and seemed like the rest of the bullpen was falling apart. However, if the rumor about the White Sox offer is true, it seems clear that Wood simply wanted to return “home” and we can respect that.

A few of you may recall Lisa’s obsession with the mini doughnuts she’d eaten at Pier 39 in San Francisco. She thought she’d never be reunited with them again, but our darling fan, Mamacita was amazingly awesome enough to package up some Pier 39 mini doughnuts and overnight them to Lisa’s house. Apparently, the stand that sells these tiny treasures is called Trish’s Mini Doughnuts, so if any of you are in the Pier 39 area, be sure to check it out. Her thoughtful gesture makes Mamacita TBB Super Hero of the Week!

With the holidays upon us, we leave you with our rendition of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. “Cliff Lee the ‘historic’ pitcher has a very uptight wife and if you ever saw her, you wouldn’t even know who she is. All of the other Phillies pitchers shouted out with glee for with the addition of Lee, they will go down in baseball history…at least so they think!”