We're No Longer Friends

Derek Jeter is dead to us. He's been pretty dead to Serena for awhile now, but Lisa's maintained a pretty close relationship with him ever since she saw that HBO documentary about him being a peeping tom. That all changed about two weeks ago when Derek snubbed Lisa. Not just a little snub, but the worst possible snub imaginable. He neglected to invite her to his wedding to Hannah Davis (but according to Instagram, he apparently didn't forget to include Andruw Jones in his pre-wedding festivities - what. the. f*ck???). As per gossip mongers, Derek and Hannah tied the knot in an intimate, classy ceremony. Was he afraid that we (because clearly, Lisa would've taken Serena as her date) weren't classy enough to be able to handle that kind of party? We'll have you know that we might suffer from Functional Alcoholism, but we can be plenty classy!

Not for nothing, but Lisa has stood by his side as his #1 BFF even through thick, including the Minka Kelly fiasco. When people (aka: Serena) hated on him, Lisa defended him and his honor even though she's a Mets' fan. That's true friendship. Not many people can say the same about their friends. She appreciated him for who he was despite the fact that he played for the "crosstown rivals." Not only should she have been a guest at the wedding, but she should've been a part of the wedding party. At the very least, the flower girl if the role of Maid of Honor had already been filled. Lisa even had easy access to the the bridal party dress because Serena wore the same exact one in a wedding two years prior!! That's bordering on "meant to be."

Since Lisa is so hurt, she refuses to send a wedding gift to the couple. However, she will forgive Derek (but not Hannah because CLEARLY this is all her fault) if he sends her a wedding favor. She'll also consider being the godmother of their unborn child. She DID retire from godmother duties, but she'd make an exception for Derek since they were once such dear friends. We're pretty sure that Derek wouldn't even ask her to buy the baby's outfit or cross, which means Lisa would just have to stand there, look pretty, and smile for all of the cameras. Lisa's also willing to remove her Invisalign for the event and risk tooth shifting because this is such a special event. Also, this is a chance for Lisa to meet a potential husband. Perhaps, she can get her own $300,000 engagement ring.

Disclaimer: Lisa is and has never been friends with Derek Jeter. This has been an ongoing joke since the peeping tom documentary. So...a long time.