NYY Star Wars Day 2019

May 4, 2019

May the Fourth be with you. The game started at 1pm, so Serena limited her work day to only three clients so that we could be on the road by 10am. The CC Sabathia Jedi bobblehead was a must have for our collection. At this stage, we feel like we're bobblehead connoisseurs. In turns out that we were way too proactive about getting to the game early because we flew through the line and got our free giveaway without breaking a sweat. Though we did manage to miss getting our bobblehead from a Yoda-dressed CC.

It is also noteworthy that it was rainy and cold AF. In the month of May.

 

During Star Wars games, our first priority is always the free giveaway. Our second priority is getting photos taken with the characters. According to sources, the characters would not be available until after the pre-game parade and ceremonial first pitch, so we had time. Therefore, we searched for food. Since Opening Day, Lisa has had a hankering for the bacon cheeseburger fried dumplings. We found them at the Noodle Bowl (not exactly the most logical location, but it doesn't matter since we found it) stand in the food court. They were three for $11.99 and served topped with a pickle.  We also ordered the General Tso Crispy Chicken sandwich for $11.99. As we type these numbers out, we're realizing that this seems very lopsided and it's quite possible that the Yankees have pulled one over on us. 

 

The dumplings tasted like Hamburger Helper, which is totally fine, but not really worth writing home about. Or paying $12 for. The G.T. Crispy Chicken tasted more like sweet n sour chicken and came topped with coleslaw, which we found extremely baffling because not a single Asian restaurant that we've been to has ever served us coleslaw. Serena scraped hers off and struggled not to dry heave because mayo is revolting.

After food, we watched the parade celebrating Star Wars and all of its galactic wonder and then headed off to stand on line to meet the characters. Like at Disney World. Only there's no fast pass available.

 

Notice Serena's stance in the photo with Lord Vader below. Upon jumping into this photo, Serena immediately grabbed the point position by his side and asked him if he would be willing to take a prom photo with her. How he knew what she was talking about will forever be a mystery, but he obliged and offered her his arm. Hence, Lisa looks like she is the third wheel on this extremely bizarre date. 

 

 

We finally made it to our seats and apparently entered the Twilight Zone because it was suddenly very sunny without a single cloud in the sky and 4 billion degrees. Lisa had about five layers of clothing on that needed to come off. All of our layers were shoved between us on the seats and between our feet. We also rolled our sleeves up to really complete this charming vision of trailer park trash.

 

Our neighbors had bladder control issues or something because they had to get up to leave our row every 10 minutes, which means we kept having to gather all of our sweat inducing shit in order to stand up over and over again.

As usual, the Star Wars details were adorable, but for some god forsaken reason, they replayed the video from last year where they asked the players who their favorite Star Wars character is. This was such a disaster, why on earth would they replay this stupid thing? Why wouldn't they reshoot this video and make it less embarrassing for all of us? For starters, one asshole (if memory serves us correctly, it was that tits on a bull, Greg Bird) claimed that he was more of a Star Trek fan. Countless infants on that team have apparently never seen the movies and actually admitted this fact on camera like a bunch of buffoons. Why wasn't there someone feeding them lines? Or editing these idiots out of the video entirely? Furthermore, where is the common sense that dictates that on Star Wars Day, you're clearly supposed to lie about this shit? No one cares that you like Star Trek, Greg!

The Yankees played like ass hats, so in the 7th inning, we decided that it was finally hot enough to try one of those specialty milkshakes. Unfortunately, we weren't the only ones to have this genius idea. The line was so long that we basically got our shakes as the final Yankees' hitter stepped into the batter's box. The shakes were $15.99 each. Lisa ordered the Celebration and Serena got the All Star.

The shakes were worth the wait and the price. Our photo also briefly made us Insta-famous when @major_league_chefs reposted it to their account. They post a lot of fun food pictures from around the league, so if you're interested in stadium touring, we'd highly recommend checking them out so that you can get some inspiration while you're road tripping.

Nothing else to report regarding the game because the Yankees were terrible. We had breast and armpit sweat and our stomachs were distended from all of the disgusting food that we inhaled. That is all.

Star Wars Night at Yankee Stadium 8-5-16

Well, this glorious post will probably be trumped by everyone talking about Alex Rodriguez's final game, but we had an epic free giveaway and a photo taken with Chewbacca and these are things that are important and need to be discussed! Also, we went off our diet that we'd only been on for three days. That too needs to be discussed because it was worth every calorie.

We shall start from the beginning. While watching a Yankees' game, Serena overheard Michael Kay mention that the Yankees would be hosting their first Star Wars Night on August 5th. Before Michael Kay even finished his promotion of the game, Serena had purchased two tickets. She hadn't checked the date of the game against her calendar. She didn't know what day of the week it was. She didn't even know if she had anyone to go with. She just knew she needed to be present at this game. Once the tickets were purchased, the most vital piece of information about the game was revealed: the free giveaway would be an R2D2 winter hat. Holy sh*t snacks. Best day ever. Obviously, the first person she texted was Lisa:
Serena: What are you doing on August 5th?
Lisa: I'm free. Why?
Serena: Want to go to Star Wars Night at Yankee Stadium?
Lisa: Hmmm...
Serena: The free giveaway is an R2D2 pom pom hat.
Lisa: I NEED that hat!

It was settled.

Let's fast forward to Friday. We didn't exactly get on the road at the time we would've liked and the traffic was abysmal. We arrived just in time to receive one of the last R2D2 hats (thank GOD because if we didn't, we probably would've gone ape sh*t) and by the time we ran upstairs to where the Chewbacca photo line was, they weren't allowing anyone else on line. We also apparently missed a bunch of storm troopers, Darth Vader, and Boba Fett. Dejected, we turned to leave and head down to the food court in order to eat our feelings. Then Lisa overheard the woman say to a family, "he'll be back for more pictures 45 minutes after the first pitch." Energy renewed, we practically skipped all the way to the main level to stuff our pig faces.

We are still trying to adventure outside our comfort zone in terms of sampling the food options at our home ballparks, so we forced ourselves to pass on the the items we knew we loved. We ended up wandering over to Brother Jimmy's BBQ stand. Before we tell you what we decided to order, allow us to start by saying that on Tuesday (after eating a cookie brownie from Domino's), we both agreed that we were a disgrace and that we needed to start eating better (and perhaps engage in some kind of physical activity) because in just two short weeks, we'd be obligated to expose our disgrace in bikinis. Keeping all of that in mind, we chose to split the pulled pork slider bucket (filled with fries) AND an order of mac and cheese. The bucket was $20 and the mac and cheese was $8. So, the diet basically went right out the window and we'd only been on it for two and a half days.

We're proud to report that while we finished the mac and cheese and all of the sliders, we at least left majority of the fries behind.

Once we finished our meal, it was about time to go find Chewbacca. Oh...did you think we were there to actually watch the game? No. We were there strictly for galactic glory. The baseball game was merely a bonus. So, while the Yankees scored a sh*t ton of runs, we ran back to the 200 level to meet Chewbacca like any other normal American would. Who goes to baseball games to watch the game any way? While we stood on line to wait for Chewbacca, one of the staff people gave us the inside scoop on how to meet Darth Vader, which is all Serena really wanted. Unfortunately, he gave us kind of confusing directions, but we'll get to that in a bit. First: Chewbacca. When he stepped off the elevator, Serena hopped up and down applauding. The behavior wouldn't have been so embarrassing had it not been for the toddler standing next to her doing the exact same thing. Copy cat.

After snuggling with the wookie, we tried to follow the instructions given to us by the staff person. It sadly turned into a scavenger hunt. Basically, we ended up speeding walking the Damon Runyon 5K course. The unfortunate part of the situation is that we did all of that in jeans and swamp ass only to never find the secret location of Darth Vader. We also learned that R2D2 was hidden somewhere in the suites, which is just offensive.

Sweating, hair a mess, clothes sticking to our skin, we stomped from the ground floor back up to our seats in the upper deck. It was the 4th inning.

 

We missed a lot apparently. The Yankees were already winning by six runs. The game pretty much progressed from there. The final score ended up being 13-7, but the real drama took place in our section. First, the YMCA.

Then, we had to endure a conversation between a pair of Indians' fans. Here's the thing, you can be fans of whatever team you want. You can be male or female. It doesn't matter. Just know what the f*ck you're talking about. We're so sick of men testing our fan authenticity because we're girls. This conversation that we're about to recall for your viewing pleasure is proof that we're surrounded by buffoons at all times.
Fan #1: The one post season event I remember specifically is the Aaron Boone home run.
(This is weird seeing as how this man is not a Yankees fan nor is he a Red Sox fan, which are the two teams involved in this particular event)
Fan #2: I don't remember that.
Fan #1: Really? It was epic. He clocked it right over that wall over there *points to left field wall.*
(Actually, that's incorrect as that home run/game in question took place at the old Yankee Stadium...across the street)
Fan #2: Nope. No idea.
Fan #1: It was against the Red Sox, I believe (Correct). During the World Series (Nope) or something.
(Any a-hole that knows the slightest tid bit about baseball trivia would know that the scenario this man created in his head is impossible as both the Yankees and Red Sox are in the American League and there can't be two AL teams in the World Series)

In conclusion, "men go to Jupiter to get more stupider,"but that's none of our business *sips cup of Lipton tea.*

Yankees vs. Royals 5-10-16

You got the date right. As you can see, we are nearly three months behind schedule. We figured that we better get a handle on posting this before Star Wars Night on Friday. Or our Marlins trip. Truth be told, this is going to be a rough post. We barely remember the game. In fact, we barely remember this weekend.What we remember clearly is the food that we ate:

 

 

These are the best burgers we've ever had ANYWHERE. We got these at the Triple Play stand on the main level in section 115. Lisa ordered The G.O.A.T. (The Greatest of All Time). On this magnificent burger is beef topped with American cheese, bacon, pastrami, and G.O.A.T. sauce. Serena ordered The Barnyard Wedding, which included beef topped with a fried chicken cutlet, hash browns, BBQ sauce, and cheddar cheese. Oh, and we both got a side of fries with that. Because we've got fat children living inside us. Each burger was about $16. We just Googled the caloric intake for one of these burgers and apparently it's more than either of us should have in an entire day.

The burgers were the highlight of our entire week, if not month. We talk about these burgers to anyone who'll listen to us. Therefore, it's the highlight of this blog. From here, we'll try our best to piece together the rest of our adventure.

For starters, we arrived:

Then we made it a point to check out Monument Park so that Serena could visit her man.

 

While we were there, we visited other people too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 For Mamadukes:

After Monument Park, we stuffed our faces on the best burgers on the planet. Because we had to mention them again. It is worth noting that we enjoyed our burgers so much that we barely talked. We simply grunted at each other as we switched burgers after a few bites and then switched again. Some nodding of appreciation over our glorious meals. No words. In this case, words are meaningless.

After the meal, it really didn't matter what happened next because life no longer had meaning. We headed to our seats regardless. This is the view from our $5 Mastercard Monday deal:

 

Not too shabby, eh?

It doesn't matter so much what happened on the field at this game. What does matter is what took place in the stands surrounding us. For starters, let's discuss the Royals' fans that have risen from muck and mire to stand high and mighty on top of piles of sh*t at other people's stadiums. Are these the true blue Royals' fans that supported their team through thick and thin and who were born and raised in the Kansas City area? No. These are local idiots that just want to be a part of a World Series winning team. This postseason, when Kansas City doesn't win (and they won't), these buffoons will be on to the next team, the next World Championship t-shirt/hat/hoodie, and they'll be coming to a stadium near you. These are not just New Yorkers. These are local bandwagon ass clowns that can be found nationwide. They are most likely your neighbors. These same sh*t sippers invaded Yankee Stadium like a case of herpes. Not only did they sit and fester, but they made a whole lot of noise. Too much noise for a group of people not cheering for the home team. Listen, we don't visit you in your home and act like an asshole. Our mothers raised us better than that. We act like assholes in our own homes as is our god given right. Lisa lost her patience, which is truly saying something because between the two of us, Lisa is infinitely more kind. Therefore, if Lisa lost her patience, how do well do you think Serena was handling it? This is us not happy with our neighboring KC fans:

Lisa spent a good chunk of the evening shouting, "Go home, Kansas City! You're drunk!"

Aside from the KC fans, we happened to be across the aisle from a sh*t show. As in, if you Google, "sh*t show," this scenario will pop up. Picture this, if you will: a group of men drinking heavily. Now imagine them as fathers in charge of their offspring. Their horribly behaved offspring. What do you do when your wretched offspring behaves horribly in public? It seems that you just drink more and buy them a sh*t ton of expensive souvenirs and more soda pop. As if these rug rats needed more sugar in their system. At one point, Serena turned to Lisa and asked, "Are you sure you want one of these? If your child acts like that, I'm not hanging out with it. Or you."

Just a few of the more memorable snapshots of these kids:

• One child swung from the railing separating our seats from falling to our deaths. Did a single parent address the situation? No. However, in his defense, it's possible that he was hoping for a convenient way to dispose of the child. 
• Children running amuck. Up and down the aisles and stairs. Screaming. Causing traffic jams and headaches. Spilling aforementioned soda pop.
• A child demanded more soda pop from either his father or his friend's father and it was fetched for him. If either of us "demanded" anything from either of our parents, we assure you that a good beating is what we would've received. Not soda pop. 

In conclusion, those were some tasty burgers. 

We're No Longer Friends

Derek Jeter is dead to us. He's been pretty dead to Serena for awhile now, but Lisa's maintained a pretty close relationship with him ever since she saw that HBO documentary about him being a peeping tom. That all changed about two weeks ago when Derek snubbed Lisa. Not just a little snub, but the worst possible snub imaginable. He neglected to invite her to his wedding to Hannah Davis (but according to Instagram, he apparently didn't forget to include Andruw Jones in his pre-wedding festivities - what. the. f*ck???). As per gossip mongers, Derek and Hannah tied the knot in an intimate, classy ceremony. Was he afraid that we (because clearly, Lisa would've taken Serena as her date) weren't classy enough to be able to handle that kind of party? We'll have you know that we might suffer from Functional Alcoholism, but we can be plenty classy!

Not for nothing, but Lisa has stood by his side as his #1 BFF even through thick, including the Minka Kelly fiasco. When people (aka: Serena) hated on him, Lisa defended him and his honor even though she's a Mets' fan. That's true friendship. Not many people can say the same about their friends. She appreciated him for who he was despite the fact that he played for the "crosstown rivals." Not only should she have been a guest at the wedding, but she should've been a part of the wedding party. At the very least, the flower girl if the role of Maid of Honor had already been filled. Lisa even had easy access to the the bridal party dress because Serena wore the same exact one in a wedding two years prior!! That's bordering on "meant to be."

Since Lisa is so hurt, she refuses to send a wedding gift to the couple. However, she will forgive Derek (but not Hannah because CLEARLY this is all her fault) if he sends her a wedding favor. She'll also consider being the godmother of their unborn child. She DID retire from godmother duties, but she'd make an exception for Derek since they were once such dear friends. We're pretty sure that Derek wouldn't even ask her to buy the baby's outfit or cross, which means Lisa would just have to stand there, look pretty, and smile for all of the cameras. Lisa's also willing to remove her Invisalign for the event and risk tooth shifting because this is such a special event. Also, this is a chance for Lisa to meet a potential husband. Perhaps, she can get her own $300,000 engagement ring.

Disclaimer: Lisa is and has never been friends with Derek Jeter. This has been an ongoing joke since the peeping tom documentary. So...a long time.