Opening Day Blues

March 1st is literally next week. This means that spring training is underway and Opening Day for the 2016 regular season and our 2016 stadium tour season are just on the horizon. We've some updates for you on that front and they're not necessarily pretty.

Opening Day news:
* Yankees' tickets have been procured
*The Mets are penises, but they're not nearly as large as the penises (peni? what is the proper English term for more than one penis?) trying to sell Opening Day tickets on Stub Hub for standing room only for nearly $100. For $100, someone better be standing there (preferably someone that looks like Ryan Reynolds or Tim Tebow) serving us food and beer and possibly massaging our upper backs and necks as we stand for all of the 9 innings. Therefore, we may be in attendance for Opening Night instead. We have an insider source with the Mets that is going to look into things behind the scenes for us on Tuesday. After that, we will have further information for you. If it doesn't go well, expect next week's blog to be a full on rant (after which, we hope that the Mets will take pity on us and reach out, offering us complimentary tickets to Opening Day).

Stadium Tour news:
*Last year's Philly trip was rained out, but we're allowed to exchange those tickets for a game this season and we've chosen the September 17th game against the Marlins. We will be contacting the box office tomorrow.
*On the subject of the Marlins, we're planning on visiting Mamadukes at the end of August. We're really looking forward to reuniting her with Don Mattingly. We'll take photos and ruin her life by posting them here on the world wide web for all to see. Since it'll be Florida in August, those pictures are sure to be considered masterpieces. Bring on the breast sweat. We will probably have an update regarding these tickets next week after pay day. Now who wants to pay for our airfare?

"M" is for Movember

Don't get too excited. We're not doing our annual critique of facial hair around the league...yet. Today's blog posts are strictly about some of baseball's greatest moustaches in honor of the great and wonderful Movember. This is the time of year where men nationwide embrace the look of child molester in order to promote prostate cancer awareness. Let's face it, boys. Your moustaches are not what they used to be. Very few men these days pull off the fine art of the stache like the men of the 1970's porn era. True heroes in the history of grooming.

Here are the select few modern-day men that have rocked the stache to its fullest potential:

Carlos Villanueva looks like the WB Mason guy, which brings us coffee to our workplace, so obviously he's good in our book.

It's become clear that Cole Hamels will be sexy in any way shape or form. If he can make Magnum PI sexy, he can do anything. Leap tall buildings in a single bound. Run faster than a speeding bullet. Grow a Duck Dynasty beard.

Sal Fasano knows how to honor Goose Gossage and the magnificent handlebar moustache.

Now for the trail blazers. The men who set the standards in moustaches:

Donnie Baseball. The Hit Man himself. Don Mattingly. LA just doesn't look right with a clean shaven upper lip. 

 Yes. Simply the best. Better than all the rest.

                                     
Two third basemen that know that a thick proper stache is the key to Silver Slugger Awards and World Series Championships. Note: not a Creep-stache, but a proper stache. The kind of stache that would have health benefits and a 401(k) plan.

Gentlemen, let's see how you're promoting Movember. Send or post your Movember pics to Facebook, email, or tag us on Instagram/Twatter and we'll pick our favorite one to share on our last blog post of November. Insert evil laugh. Do Goose Gossage proud!

The TBB’s Old Timer’s Team

Anyone notice how Daniel Murphy no longer has a f*cked up stache? Do you know why he no longer has a f*cked up stache? Because we’re that influential. We’re changing the world, one moustache at a time. Last week we wrote a letter to Murphy explaining why he should shave that crap off his face and we asked if you thought we were being too hard on him. 5 of you agreed that his sh*t was heinous and 3 of you actually thought we were being too hard on him seeing as how the stache wasn’t SO bad. Are you f*cking high? Go sit in the corner. We can’t even look at you right now. You’re a disgrace.

Again we promised you a follow-up Subway Series post and it seems as though we’ve made further promises (daddy), promises that we can’t keep. This time it’s not our fault. We’re having some difficulty tying our Yankees fan down. She’s very busy, therefore we’ll have to work around her schedule. We will give you that follow-up post eventually when she has more free time. In the meantime, we’re going to talk about old people.

While watching the Yankees’ former athletes don the pinstripes again for a brief stint of baseball this afternoon, we became wistful and longed for our teams of old. Watching guys like Charlie Hays (who made the final catch of the 96’ World Series), Willie Randolph, Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neil, Bernie Williams, and David Cone take the field again made Serena miss the old Yankees. The Yankees of the 90’s. A time when her family owned season tickets and got first dibs at post season ticket sales. A time when Ken Griffey Jr. chased the home run record while playing for the Mariners, when the Mariners were actually a good team, when Roger Clemens/Andy Pettitte/AROD/Barry Bonds/Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa hadn’t been publicly flogged for steroid use, when the Expos still existed and there were no Nationals, when the Brewers still played in the American League, when there was only one Wild Card team from each league, when you were able to slip a quarter into those little vending machines and get a plastic mini-helmet for your money, when the Mets’ home run apple actually looked like an apple rising from a top hat and not a tomato rising from the center circle of hell, when satin team jackets were the style, and when pitchers went the distance.

Don’t get us wrong. We enjoy watching the Yankees and Mets. Serena loves Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson, Mark Teixeira, Brett Gardner, Andy Pettitte, Nick Swisher. Lisa loves TOWSNBN, Daniel Murphy, Johan Santana, RA Dickey, Mike Baxter, Ruben Tejada. However, it’s not the same. Maybe we’re getting old or maybe we’re just too jaded, but it feels like these group of guys are tarnished.

We decided to create our own Old Timer’s Team, only instead of just having Yankees, it would be a team for New York, consisting of our all-time favorite players (not including active players). After compiling our list, we discovered that we apparently have strong emotional ties to outfielders and pitchers. We might have one of the oldest, most epic pitching staffs in history. Before we share our list, please be aware that some players that you may feel are obvious choices for this list (Mike Piazza, Joe DiMaggio) won’t be here and that’s not to discredit their abilities as ball players. We just don’t have emotional ties to them…or, as in the case with Piazza, we just don’t like him as a person.  So without further ado, here’s the TBB’s version of an Old Timer’s Team:

Behind the plate, we chose Thurman Munson and Gary Carter. Granted, neither of us were alive for when Munson patrolled home plate (okay…Lisa was 1, but that hardly counts) and we were quite young during Carter’s hey-day, but these men embodied what a baseball player should be. They were strong, passionate, hard-working, and soulful players. Munson’s career was cut short tragically and when you think about the player he was and how he died, it has to tug on your heart strings, right? You’d have to be pretty heartless to roll your eyes at that. The Yankees still have his locker. Carter died just this year and his death had an obvious affect on the baseball community, including the current Mets…half of which hadn’t been born to see him play since 90% of them are now younger than us. We’re like the Derek Jeter-age of fans. Still socially considered “young,” but we should be approaching baseball retirement any day now. Soon, we’re not going to be allowed to check out any players without being referred to as cougars.

At first, we only have representation from the Bronx side of New York: Tino Martinez, Lou Gehrig, and Don Mattingly. Even Lisa loves Martinez. How could you not? He’s a nice guy, easy on the eyes, and a great first baseman. What an appropriate defensive replacement for Don Mattingly. Growing up under Mamadukes’ roof, there were 3 Yankees that were golden and could do no wrong: Gehrig, Donnie Baseball, and Sweet Lou. Naturally, being a staunch Donnie supporter, Mamadukes did not appreciate the arrival of Martinez. In fact, she hated him. When he got the boot for Jason Giambi, she actually cheered and proclaimed utter adoration for Giambi, which makes no sense. You replaced an amazing first baseman with a complete disaster who wore a gold thong.

Donnie Baseball and Lou Gehrig shouldn’t NEED an explanation, but if you really want one, we’ll give you one.  Lou Gehrig got the sh*tty end of the stick. He was a good guy and a great ball player who had heart, yet he was forced into an early retirement because his body failed him, not because he failed himself. It’s not fair. He set the record of most consecutive games played which stood for 56 years. When his physical abilities began to fail, Gehrig asked his manager, Joe McCarthy to bench him. He never played again. Now when players ask their managers to bench them, it’s only because they want to retain the batting title. Selfish. Ah, and now for Mattingly. The man they call “Donnie Baseball.” When you epitomize the beauty of America’s pastime, you must be pretty legendary, no? Mattingly IS baseball. End of story.

At second, we only have representation from the Queens side of New York: Edgardo Alfonzo and Tim Teufle. Teufle was a member of the exciting 86’ Mets and is part of an elite group of players who actually gave a crap about the game. Plus, he had the Teufle Shuffle at the plate and anyone who has a shuffle named after him is a-ok in our book. Lisa chose Alfonzo because he was great fun to watch, “unlike these jack-a-loons we have playing now.” You may remember Alfonzo for his Sports Illustrated cover appearance alongside John Olerud, Rey Ordonez, and Robin Ventura, which brings us to our next category:

Third base. Representing our elderly gentlemen at third is Robin Ventura and Howard Johnson. Let’s start with the man they call HoJo. As you may recall, both Fred #1 and #2 are Mets fans, therefore while Serena and Brother were brought up in a Yankees household, they did see action at Shea Stadium, including getting to watch HoJo play third for the Mets. At the time, Serena was fascinated by the man that she was sure owned the hotel chain called Howard Johnson. Mamadukes later scoffed at this idea, borderline calling Serena a moron, but Lisa swears that she also remembers HoJo doing Howard Johnson commercials (as we write this, Lisa is sitting on Serena’s bedroom floor furiously Googling for evidence to support our theories on her portable internet machine). We know you’re probably shocked that we chose a ginger to play on our team, but even gingers have potential for athleticism. Just look at Brian McCann. He might be severely unattractive, but that doesn’t stop him from being a bad a$$ mother f*cker behind the plate.

Robin Ventura is a special addition to our team because he played third for both the Yankees and Mets. It’s like a two-for at Chili’s. Serena was obsessed with him. When the Yankees got him from the Mets, she nearly pissed herself with excitement. a) Ventura was a gold medal winner (as in the f*cking Olympics, people). b) he fought Nolan Ryan. Epic. c) had a knack for hitting grand slams (18 for his career, once having hit 2 in one game), and d) was a 6-time Gold Glove winner at third. Serena loves her defense. Plus, he was and still is adorable. When the Yankees released him for Aaron Boone, Serena went to a game at Yankees Stadium with a sign that said, “Bring Robin back. Go away, Aaron.” Mamadukes was embarrassed.

At short stop, we have Bucky “f*cking” Dent and Rey Ordonez. You know that when you talk about Dent and that home run over the Green Monster in 1978, you call him Bucky “f*cking (or bleeping)” Dent. Late game heroics and curse words are what the TBB are all about. In regards to Ordonez, he set a major league record for short stops by playing 101 consecutive games without committing a fielding error. Plus, he is also on the Sports Illustrated cover that we really like.

We have six outfielders because four isn’t enough: Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neil, Lou Piniella, Mickey Mantle, Bobby Murcer, and Cleon Jones. Let us give you the quick summary of what’s happening in the outfield for us: Bern Baby Bern, I am the Warrior, Sweet Louuuuuuu, The Mick, Bobby Murcer once hid an Easter egg in the YES booth for Michael Kay to find, and Cleon Jones caught the final out of 69’ World Series when the Mets defeated the Orioles. All a class of individuals who cared about playing the game…and in O’Neil’s case, he might’ve cared a little too much as he’d been known to break sh*t in the dugout.

When we think about Mantle, we think about him in hindsight because we never had the opportunity to watch him play. You don’t have to be a Yankees fan to appreciate Mantle for what he brought to the table: class, charisma, a beautiful swing that younger players emulate, and all-around athleticism. He had the career that most men dream of: 20-time All Star (20…people are making a big deal about Derek Jeter being voted into his 13^th…TWENTY?!), 7-time World Series champion, 3-time AL MVP, Gold Glove and Hutch Award winner, Triple Crown, his number has been retired at Yankees Stadium, and oh, yeah, he was voted onto the MLB All-Century Team. No big deal. It’s no secret that he never took care of himself. His longtime alcoholism finally caught up to him and he eventually died of liver cancer. Look at what he managed to do with his talents while not giving a sh*t about his body. Could you imagine the great things he would’ve accomplished if he only cared about himself?

As mentioned earlier, our pitching staff is pretty legendary (yes, Cliff Lee, legendary…unlike what you’re pitching with). It consists of Ron Guidry, Mike Mussina, David Cone, Tom Seaver, Ron Darling, and John Franco, who was recently inducted into the Mets Hall of Fame. Mamadukes once sat next to Ron Guidry in a hospital waiting room and didn’t know who he was. When she relayed this story to her father later that day, he was displeased. She tells us that all the girls loved Louisiana Lightning/Gator because of his big blue eyes. Why do we like him? We’ll take a guy who once pitched to a 25-3 record and holds the single-game strikeout record (with 18). How do you like us now? In his old age, he struck out Tino Martinez today. He’s still got it. And he still has his moustache.

Moose is not only a surgically precise pitcher and fierce competitor, he can also field his position, which is more than we can say for a lot of morons pitching these days. Sometimes it looks like a T-Rex stumbled off the mound and tried to pick up the ball with his little arms. They look ridiculous. Moose, on the other hand, is the goddamn man. He was a vacuum on the mound. Plus, he’s a borderline genius, so if something happens, he can tell us what’s wrong with us. He is also sarcastic, so he’ll totally get us. He’ll never get offended by our jokes.

David Cone spent time with both the Mets and Yankees. Lisa had a crush on him as well. She had a poster of him hanging up in her bedroom. Serena did not have a poster of him, but she did cry when she watched the 1996 World Series tape that Mamadukes bought her when they talked about his aneurysm. He threw a perfect game for the Yankees and Serena wishes they’d just fire Michael Kay in the YES booth and replace him with David Cone and Paul O’Neil. Commence hilarity.

Tom Seaver is Fred #2’s hero. Lisa spends countless nights on the couch with Fred #2 trying to watch the Mets game while Fred #2 talks over the television about what a great player Seaver was: “He won all of his games 1-0, 2-0, Lisa. Why? Because they weren’t hitting for him. He played with a bunch of nobodies.”

Ron Darling was a very good pitcher and he’s a very good commentator, but more importantly, he’s very handsome. We’ve seen him in person and he is absolutely beautiful. He’s tall, tan, brunette, and glorious. We didn’t get to speak to him, but we did stare at his magnificence from across the bar while we continued to get sloshed for free.

Finally, John Franco, to date, is the only closer that Lisa did not fear coming out of the bullpen. That should count for something.

Just for sh*ts and giggles, we have Todd Zeile because he’s handsome and Lisa used to have a crush on him. He’s going to be our mascot. The End.

Side note: if anyone remembers anything about HoJo in relation to the Howard Johnson Motel chain, whether it’s regarding ownership or a commercial, please message us. It’s driving us crazy.

This week’s a-hole of the week is Carlos Beltran for making it to the All Star roster. Really? He’s a douchenozzle. We can’t believe you’d betray our trust by voting for him. Meanwhile Bryce Harper is on the extra vote ballot. You’re all going to die morons.

In honor of 4^th July, we’d like to make the US Armed Forces the TBB Super Hero of the Week. To quote Dazed and Confused, “this summer, when you’re being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth of July brouhaha, don’t forget what you’re celebrating, and that’s the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn’t want to pay their taxes.” Happy 4^th of July!

Fashion Faux Pas at Baseball Games

You want it, you got it (Toyotaaaaaaaa…)! Last week, we asked you what topics you’d like us to cover as we head into 2011 and of 5 votes, 2 of you chose Fashion Faux Pas at the baseball games. Granted, 2 of you also voted for the Wright Stache, but we suspect that you’ve got no idea what this is about and that you only voted for it because it sounds funny. That being the case, we’ll save that topic for the near future. 1 person actually voted for hoping that we’d STOP blogging in 2011. Really? That’s amazing. Well, we hope that you STOP reading our blog in 2011 if you’re going to be such a grump about it. DANG! The last individual wanted us to cover “Cross Town Rivals” because he/she doesn’t understand why we all can’t just be friends? This is something that interests us as well and we promise that we’ll try our best to gather enough intel to create a posting regarding this particular topic.

So you’ve heard us bitch and moan on multiple occasions about people committing fashion faux pas at the baseball games we attend. This probably goes down at other sporting events as well, but that is beyond the scope of our blog. First, we’ll show you the “evidence” of these faux pas (gathered over several games). Then, we’ll share a detailed list of guidelines that will assist you so that you don’t commit a faux pas yourself AND defunct any potential excuses that fashion criminals may make. Finally, we will give you this week’s baseball notes, so if that’s all you care about, feel free to scroll to the bottom.

We present to you, the jury, Exhibit A:

Gotta hate starting with one of our own, but these fashion crimes are committed by all fans. So…are you rooting for the Yankees because you’re both “New York” teams or are you rooting for the Athletics because supposedly Mets fans and Yankees fans hate each other?

Exhibit B:

While it’s delightful that this Mets fan and Braves fan are getting along harmoniously, what is this Chipper Jones fan doing at a Mets/Giants game at Citi Field?

Exhibit C:

At least the Braves belong in the same division as the Mets. Exactly what purpose does one have in wearing a Red Sox hat to this game? What are you trying to communicate here? Perhaps you hate New York entirely and are rooting for the Giants?

Exhibit D:

Just like in Exhibit A, are you rooting for the Mets because you’re both “New York” teams or are you rooting for the Giants because supposedly Yankees fans and Mets fans hate each other?

Exhibit E:

We have no analysis for this. Where the Indians fit into the Yankees and Rays picture?

Exhibit F:

Alright, well at least the Orioles play in the same division as the Yankees.

Exhibit G:

Totally different league than the Yankees and Rays. Clearly no relation between the hat and the situation on the field. Very confusing.

Exhibit H:

So we’re back to the American League here, which is progress, but the White Sox hat still doesn’t make sense.

Exhibit I:

As far as we know, the Phillies are about as far removed from the AL West as they can possibly be. Our only thought is that maybe Phillies fans are becoming so arrogant that they need to broadcast their fanhood at every baseball game they attend regardless of the opponents.

The TBB’s Guide to Fashion Faux Pas:

1. You cannot be a Yankees fan and wear a Reds hat because it matches your “outfit.” That is literally the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever heard, especially if you’re a guy. You’re a Yankees fan, so wear Yankees crap. That’s how it works. If you don’t like the color navy blue, you should’ve thought about that before rooting for the team. Maybe this is what is happening in Exhibit G. Perhaps under his black jacket, he wears the color red?
2. In the case of Exhibit C, let’s suppose we’re correct in assuming that she simply hates New York and chose to wear her Red Sox hat in rebellion against the state she’d been visiting. We happen to like New York, but it’s totally okay if you don’t and it’s totally okay for you to wear your ugly Red Sox hat around the streets of New York. It’s a free country. But what are you accomplishing by wearing it to a Mets/Giants game? If you hate New York, we suppose that means you’re rooting for the Giants in this case. Wear a friggin’ Giants hat then! Don’t want to spend the money on merchandise for a team you really don’t care about? Don’t wear a hat at all! If you’re concerned about sun exposure, invest in sunblock and a generic hat/visor. Don’t be an a-hole.
3. Referencing Exhibits A and D, it is not okay to wear a Mets or Yankees hat to a game in which your team is not playing. Same goes for Dodgers/Angels hats or White Sox/Cubs hats, even if your excuse is that you’re supporting your city. You’re not supporting your city. You’re confusing the crap out of us. Buy a New York City (or Los Angeles or Chicago) hat or t-shirt. NOW you’re supporting your city.
4. On the flip side of #3, wearing a Mets jersey to a Yankees/Athletics game because you hate the Yankees and are showing your support to the A’s is asinine. Do you think that Kurt Suzuki has any idea that your Mets jersey means that for today, you love his team? All you’ve accomplished is looking like a jack ass. Actually come to think of it, you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t even know who Kurt Suzuki is.
5. I can wear whatever MLB team hat, t-shirt, foam finger, etc. to whatever game I want I’m “supporting the MLB.” No, you’re not! Don’t try to bull sh*t a pair of bull sh*tters. If that’s what you’re attempting to do, get yourself an “MLB” hat, t-shirt, foam finger, etc. If you’re wearing a Phillies jersey, you’re supporting the Phillies. End of story.
6. I’m a Braves fan who hates the Mets and would love it if the Giants pulverized them! Good for you! Your Braves jersey still doesn’t exude, “Go Giants!” You can cheer like an a-hole on behalf of the Giants all you want without wearing your Chipper Jones jersey. You can even start a “Mets suck” chant. Leave the jersey at home.
7. But, but, but, but…my Orioles hat is my favorite hat in the whole wide world! I wear my hat EVERYWHERE! We know, we know. Both of us have favorite hats too, but guess what? We still don’t wear them to games where our teams aren’t playing. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t leave the house without wearing their hat, then for this game, just this once, don a generic baseball hat. We promise that it won’t kill you and you’ll still get to cover your messy hairdo. You can switch hats as soon as you get home.
8. The Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox have been on top of their game for years now. In fact, they’re becoming so popular that they’ve created this cult following called, “Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox Nation.” We’re national now! We’re taking over the WORLD even! As members of “Phillies/Yankees/Red Sox Nation,” it is our job to spread our fan hood like a rash and THAT’S why I wear my Phillies hat to an Angels/A’s game (Red Sox or Yankees hat to a Mets/Giants game). See…it’s that kind of attitude that makes people hate you. You give your fellow fans a bad rap. You’re a d*ck.
9. Dressing like a $2 hooker at a baseball game (or any sporting event for that matter) is not only ridiculous, but unsafe. Have you even sat through 9 innings of a baseball game before? Think rationally here. A short skirt means the backs of your thighs are sticking to disgusting, plastic chairs for several hours at a time. Same thing applies to a backless shirt. Does that sound comfortable to you? Alcohol is served at baseball games and even though the sale of it is cut off by the 7th inning, doesn’t mean the drunks are sober. Remember: even the nicest people can be jerks when intoxicated. A group of drunk and horny males could potentially be cause for concern to a young girl dressed like a tramp. Does that sound like a good time to you? Lastly, we don’t go to baseball games to see your side boob. We go so that we can enjoy the game. If we’re too busy being concerned that at any moment, your breast could fly out of your blouse, we are NOT enjoying the game. Save those getups for the club, sweetie. Examples of this type of clothing can be found on Alyssa Milano’s “Touch” clothing line.
10. I’m a Red Sox fan and am completely heartbroken that Manny Ramirez now plays for the Dodgers. I think I’ll go to a Dodgers/Padres game and wear my Red Sox Manny jersey because I love, love, love him. We get what you’re trying to do here and we appreciate it. However if the Red Sox aren’t playing the Dodgers, don’t wear the jersey. If you love Manny THAT much, really show him some support and buy his Dodgers shirt.
11. Crossing sports memorabilia IS acceptable. We might not understand why you chose to wear your Patriots or Celtics hat to a Royals/Tigers game, but it’s okay that you did. Your support of a football or basketball team has nothing to do with a baseball game.
12. The Mandanna is offensive. It’s disturbing and overpriced. Do not wear one. It’s not funny. It’s not witty. It’s not cool. It’s not “really super pretty.” It’s stupid. This also applies to any weird “gimmick” that your team is trying to sell (with the exception of the Giants’ Panda and Timmy hats. Those are MAJOR and we support your decision to wear those). You might be expressing your team devotion correctly, but you look like a “RA-tard” as Alan from The Hangover would say.

Now that you’ve digested all of that, here are this week’s baseball notes:
Andy Pettitte Watch 2011 continues. It’s still unclear as to whether or not Pettitte will retire and leave Serena to rely AJ F’n Burnett. Yes, it’s a huge life changing decision that needs time to reach and we understand that. The last thing we want is for Pettitte to become the next Roger Clemens or Brett Farve and retire six times. However, Serena would like him to make his decision sooner rather than later so that if necessary, she can become resigned to a pitching staff without Pettitte before Opening Day. Thank you in advance, Mr. Pettitte for taking this under consideration. We hope to see you in March.

Free agent first baseman (and ADD Poster Child thanks to Keith Hernandez and his blabber mouth) Adam LaRoche signed a 2-year contract with the Nationals for $16 million and a mutual option for the third season. He brings with him a career fielding percentage of .995 and a 2010 season batting average of .261 with 25 homeruns and 100 RBI’s. He’ll be joining a lineup that includes heavy hitters Ryan Zimmerman and the recently added Jayson Werth. Clearly, the Nationals are looking to improve their NL East last place position that they’ve held these past years. This goal is entirely achievable considering how little the Mets have done to better themselves thus far.

The Rangers may have lost Cliff Lee to the Phillies, but they certainly scored a kick ass thirdbaseman from the Red Sox. Adrian Beltre signed a 6-year deal worth up to $96 million. The Rangers will have to surrender a first round draft pick to Boston for Beltre, but it’s well worth it. Beltre is a fantastic thirdbaseman who hit .321 last year for Boston with 28 homeruns, 102 RBI’s, and led the AL with 49 doubles. His offensive power could replace the role that Vlad Guerrerro held should the Rangers choose not to resign him. Beltre’s arrival will shift Michael Young to DH and infield utility position.

Opening Day this year is moving from Sunday (a time slot it’s held for the past few seasons) to Thursday. ESPN will televise a tripleheader on March 31st that will start with the Tigers playing at Yankees Stadium, followed by the Padres at St. Louis, and concluding with the World Series Champion Giants at Dodgers Stadium (which will take the place of an April 4th game that appeared on the original schedule).

As you know, the Hall of Fame announced this year’s inductees earlier this week. A few former Yankees players didn’t make the cut, including Tino Martinez, Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, Lee Smith, John Olerud, and Raul Mondesi. While John Olerud was a GREAT first baseman, he wasn’t with the Yankees long enough for us to really feel wistful about his loss. Kevin Brown was a complete waste to the Yankees and the last thing we remember about Raul Mondesi is that he walked out on a game early because he was benched. A team ditcher shouldn’t be celebrated in the Hall of Fame, we don’t care how “awesome” his numbers are. However, the most important player on this list to get snubbed is the fan favorite Don Mattingly. He received 79 votes, only appearing on 13.6% of the ballots cast (you need a minimum of 75%). *sigh* This breaks our hearts. When asked about the slight, Mattingly claims that he doesn’t deserve being in the Hall of Fame because he didn’t maintain his numbers over a long enough period of time. You keep being modest, Donnie Baseball, but we’ll continue to support and believe in you!

Roberto Alomar (Mets’ second baseman for 2 seasons) was elected to the Hall of Fame with 523 votes and 90% of the total vote, making him the third Mets second baseman to be inducted in the past 3 years. A Mets player failing to make the cut was John Franco, a former closer who has the fourth most saves in MLB history and the most by a left hander. He was only named on 4.6% of the ballots cast by veteran players and due to this lack of support, Franco has lost eligibility for future consideration. Bummmmmmmmmmer.

At the risk of sounding a bit biased, WE’RE this week’s super heroes because we don’t commit any fashion faux pas…at baseball games at least. People might argue that our day to day clothing is an abomination, but that’s NOT what we’re discussing here today! At each stadium we travel to, we root, root, root for the home team unless the Mets or Yankees are playing, so three cheers for us!

We serenade you with our rendition of Pink’s “Raise Your Glass: “So wear the correct shirt if you are wrong in all the TBB guideline ways. All those fashion faux pas fans, you will never be, never be anything but tacky and nitty gritty dirty little freaks. Won’t you come on and come on and wear the right shirt? Just come on and come on and do the right thing.”

Happy Birthday, Beanie! We wish you well!

Rays @ Yankees 9-21-10

Well…at least WE got to see the Yankees play well this week. That’s a bonus, we suppose. Rules are rules though. Before we can even talk about the amazing food we ate on Tuesday (oh…and the baseball game), we must relay the results of last week’s poll. Andy Pettitte returned to the Yankees’ rotation in fantastic form on Sunday, which prompted us to ask the question: would Andy Pettitte help the Yankees? A mere 6 people seemed to have an opinion on this subject. 2 people felt that their mother would be of assistance to the Yankees at this rate. 3 people firmly believed that he would, citing that they had heard “his crotch was feeling much better.” We just hate it when there are issues with the crotch area. 1 lone reed didn’t think he’d make any difference. However, we’re proud to report that no one voted for “ooooh, Andy Pettitte’s hot.” We’re sorry, but sometimes your decisions worry us and with each new poll that we post, we can never tell what direction you’re going to go in. It’s troublesome.

Every time we think that the subway is the easiest way to get around town, we’re brought back to reality by something as simple, yet inevitable like rush hour. The E and D trains that we took to get to Yankees Stadium were so congested that we’re confident that sardines have it better. We also had to listen to a man on the D insisting that the train was not stopping at Yankees Stadium. The more he rattled on, the more panicked the tourists on the subway became. To make matters worse, he spoke so loudly that we couldn’t hear anything the conductor announced over the PA system. We were forced to peer out the windows through the armpits of our surrounding passengers in order to see the signs on the subway platforms.

Thankfully, we arrived at Yankees Stadium relatively unscathed and on time to receive our free giveaways: a Metlife Snoopy doll!

Our first goal of the day was to go to Monument Park in order to see the new Steinbrenner monument. Unfortunately, this is what we found when we got there:

We apparently missed Monument Park by ten stupid minutes. We’re going to blame the subway ride on this one. Just because. However, all was not lost. We were at least able to take a picture of the wall of retired numbers outside of Monument Park.

We even made sure to take a picture of Don Mattingly for Mamadukes:

In the same area, we found a small souvenir store that we’d never noticed before so naturally, we HAD to check it out. God forbid we miss a chance to try anything on and behave like a-holes.

Long before that night’s game, we decided that we needed to branch out in terms of food intake at Citi Field and Yankees Stadium. We can’t keep buying the same items, no matter how much we love them. It’s not fair to you that we keep reporting on the same hot dog and sausage sandwich. It’s obvious by now that we think they’re yummy. Therefore, we went in search of a new food item to sample. We found a Holy Guacamole stand just outside the right field bleacher section and went to town. For $8.50, we got this delightful plate of sweet goodness: nachos covered in cheese, tasty spicy beef, salsa, and guacamole on the side. We purchased two Bud Lights for $9/each at another small stand in the area.

This is when things got interesting for us. We plopped down at a nearby bar table to eat the nachos, but were asked to leave because the seats were “reserved.” Okay. Fine. We DID happen to notice the “Reserved” sign resting on the table and had chosen to ignore it. So we moved on. We found another empty bar table without a sign and sat down. Not one nacho made it into our mouths before we were asked to leave AGAIN. Apparently, those seats were “reserved as well.” After being dismissed from two other tables, we finally found an empty table in the middle of the Yankees Stadium Food Court.

It turned out that we’d end up spending a lot of time in this section as the game wore on, but we’ll get into that a bit later. As we polished off our nachos, we noticed that the food court was decorated with blown up black and white photos of different people from the Yankees organization either eating or drinking. Our favorite was this one of Ron Guidry. He’s icing his arm and chowing down on a rib with his other hand like a mother f’n champion:

After disposing of our garbage, we climbed to the very top of Yankees Stadium where our seats were located.

If you think we’re joking about our seats being at the very top of the stadium, we assure you that we’re not. This is the view of outside the stadium from our seats:

We were literally able to communicate with God from up here. He said that he’s concerned about the Yankees bullpen holding up during the playoffs. We agreed. The pitching matchup was between Phil Hughes (again…Phil just seems to adore us) and James Shields.

The game started off rocky for Shields. Nick Swisher got things started with a solo homerun. Then Jorge Posada hit an RBI single that brought Mark Teixeira home.

As if the 2-run deficit wasn’t bad enough, Shields continued to put men on base and Lance Berkman made it hurt. His 2-run double made the score 4-0 and allowed the scoreboard to greet us with this priceless gem:

But wait. There’s more! Curtis Granderson hit a single that scored Berkman, making it 5-0. In the top of the 2nd, the Rays managed to scratch 1 run across with a Matt Joyce homerun. Around this time, we recalled a delightful little bakery that lived in the field level section near home plate at the “Old” Yankees Stadium. We remembered that during a Yankees/Rays game, similar to the one we were currently at, we purchased a Derek Jeter cookie and that it had been delicious. You might be asking yourself, what is a Derek Jeter cookie? Our friends, it is a cookie with Derek Jeter’s FACE on it. One could say that we ate Derek Jeter’s face…and enjoyed it. Surely something as innovative as a Yankees’ bakery HAD to have followed the team across the street to their new home. We wondered where it might be…

…then Phil Hughes gave up a two out RBI single to Evan Longoria in the top of the 3rd. We booed, but our hearts weren’t in it. All we could think about was when our next meal was and where the magical bakery could be. After a brief coaching visit to the mound, Hughes was able to coax Ben Zobrist to ground out to Teixeira at first. After the Yankees were retired in the bottom of the inning, we went in search of the closest hot dog stand. It had come to our realization that we hadn’t eaten a hot dog at the new stadium yet. The grilled foot long was $6.25. The stand offered sauerkraut and red onions, but the vendor loaded up the hot dog for you. Serena ordered onions in red sauce while Lisa got sauerkraut. At the nearby condiments table, Serena added spicy mustard and Lisa added ketchup and mustard. The dogs were quite the mouthful and much better than the dogs at the stadium’s predecessor. No jokes, please.

By the time we finished the hot dogs, it was the bottom of the 6th. We know this sounds ridiculous. It took us two whole innings to find a hot dog stand and eat. The good thing about the layout of the new stadium is that we were still able to watch the game while standing on line at the stand and eating the hot dogs at a nearby “unreserved” table.

With the Derek Jeter cookie still on our brains, we asked every single employee that we bumped into about the whereabouts of a bakery. Each person told us that there was no bakery. We refused to believe this. Why the hell wouldn’t they transport this bakery with them to the new stadium? It’s completely ludicrous to think that beneath the rubble of the old stadium lays a Derek Jeter cookie that will never be eaten! What is this world coming to? Undaunted, we decided to comb the stadium ourselves. We never found the bakery, but we DID find a Fried Dough stand in the food court that didn’t just sell your ordinary funnel cake. No. They sold something infinitely better than just funnel cake. Fried Twinkies and Oreos. Oh, yes. It will be done. Since both options were $6 and brilliant, the master plan was for Serena to buy the Oreos while Lisa bought the Twinkie (sadly, you only get one Twinkie, but we can admit that that’s probably best for your heart). We knew we were in for something special because the line was 30 people long. Figuring that fried food was always worth it, we jumped on the end of the line.

While we patiently waited and listened to a man behind us talking about how he runs every morning in order to make up for his terrible eating habits (oh, is that the key to not gaining weight? Huh. We’ve been going about this all wrong…), the Rays scored another run, making it 5-3. When we finally reached the counter of glory, Lisa was notified that they had run out of Twinkies. Devastation does not fully communicate the insurmountable feeling of despair that encompassed our bodies. The Runner behind us went buck wild when he heard the news. It was a bit frightening as he stormed off, muttering to himself. We couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like for the other passengers on his subway ride that night. At least we still had the fried Oreos.

It was glorious. It was everything we’ve ever dreamed of and more. It was proof that God loves us. It was probably a good thing that we didn’t get a Twinkie because we most likely would’ve barfed. Being as lazy as we are, we chose not to return to our seats and opted to watch the rest of the game from the field level main corridor instead.

We asked an employee to take our picture with the field behind us and were denied. We were a bit confused, but he explained that they were no longer allowed to take anyone’s picture because someone had dropped a camera and was sued. Wow. That is pathetic. People really need to find better things to do if they have the time to bring some poor usher to court over a broken camera. A fan standing close by took our picture instead.

The Yankees would go on to win 8-3. As we left to catch the subway, we snapped a few last minutes photos. Babe Ruth Plaza (which we’d never seen since the subway deposits you at the corner near the Gate 4 entrance):

...and of course, Yankees Stadium itself:

Baseball Notes: On Tuesday, the Twins became the first team to clinch a division title this season. Their 6-4 victory over the Indians combined with the White Sox 7-2 loss to the A’s means that there’ll be no need for an extra tie-breaker game for the AL Central like last year (though we doubted that the White Sox were going to stage some miracle comeback to prompt a tie-breaker anyway). While this is super awesome for the Twins and M&M boys, we feel slightly wistful as we recall that nail-biter game against the Tigers last season. Surrounded by all around lackluster Division Series where most of the winning teams swept their opponents, that 164th game was pure excitement.

After a lot of back and forth B.S., Joe Torre finally confirmed that he would NOT be managing the Mets next year. He even went so far as to apologize to Jerry Manuel for fanning the fire of those rumors. Torre has become so full of himself, that we find it hard to believe that he’s genuine about anything these days. As you may recall, late last week, the Dodgers announced that Don Mattingly would be assuming the helm of the SS Think Blue for 2011 (Mamadukes must be so proud!), leaving Torre unemployed. Torre claims to not anticipate managing another team in the future, but his vague word selections and recent arrogant behavior makes us skeptical. Of course, only time will tell if this is a true retirement or Brett Farve-inspired. Mattingly’s well-deserved opportunity to shine gets him TBB Super Hero of the Week status. It’s about time, Donnie!

In further Mets’ news, Tuesday night’s 5-2 loss to the Marlins “officially” eliminated them from playoff contention. Shocker.

Lastly, with the Yankees pitching staff behaving like a pack of NTAC’s last night, the Rays were able to pull within a ½ game of first in the AL East again. Nice job, guys. We can tell you’re REALLY trying to firmly grasp the division here.

Before we leave you with lines of moving and heartfelt poetry, we’ve got some fun stuff in store for you next week’s blog posting. Tomorrow afternoon, we and Papa L. will be at Citi Field for a guided tour of the stadium. This option is something new that the Mets introduced to fans this season, following the footsteps of many other stadiums around the league, including the Yankees (Serena did this tour last season. You can read her post regarding the trip here). Tours were not even offered at Shea Stadium, so this should be pretty cool. We’ll make sure to post as many pictures as possible for you. Another heads up regarding next week is that the blog will be posted sometime Thursday afternoon as opposed to Friday. The reason for this is that we’ll be on an overnight flight to Paris Thursday night and unable to blog during our usual Friday lunch break time. We’re sure that you can understand.

“Eating time. Open up your wallets and enjoy the stadium meals. Eating time. Dump that really good beef all over the nachos we want to eat. Eating time. One last call for alcohol so we will finish our beer before the 7th. Eating time. We have to go home now cos’ we can’t afford any more meals. We know what we want to eat next time. Oh, we know what we want to eat next time.”