Jayson Werth, Buy a F*cking Razor! Check Groupon Goods for Sales!

Welcome to Movember. One of the best times of the entire year. A time for men to embrace their inner manliness (because let's face it, men are now all a bunch of pansies who get their eyebrows and sh*t waxed). Unfortunately, there are those on this planet that abuse Movember 365 days of the year. Since this is a baseball blog, we're not going to waste time belly aching about the idiots we see on a day to day basis. We're going to focus on the King of Facial Hair Failures himself: Jayson Werth.

It is important that we emphasize just how often this man offends the very essence of mankind. Worldwide. This man has not only appeared in one facial hair blog posting, but in every single one. Including a special letter designed specifically for him. The only facial hair related blog post that he's not featured in is our letter to Barry Zito and that's only because we had bigger fish to fry that day.

There aren't words to describe what Jayson Werth has become. To call him the missing link would be an insult to the missing link. Behold:

We're done. We're done with him and his asinine behavior. We're throwing down the gauntlet. If this a-hole doesn't shave his f*cking sh*t off by Thanksgiving, we're demanding that he allows us to shave him for men's health related charities. Of course, since he's rich, he'll be writing the check for these donations. We ask all of you to show your support for this cause by leaving words of encouragement in the comments section of this blog post. We will then take this blog post/petition and pepper his social media outlets with it.

Since it's Movember, he can't shave his hair completely off. Therefore, to help Jayson, we've compiled some examples of what acceptable and desirable facial hair looks like:

Tom Selleck and the moustache:

Actually, we don't think anyone but Tom Selleck should be rocking a Tom Selleck moustache because technically, it's creepy and only he can pull it off. So maybe he needs to find another moustache to choose from. Perhaps he should Google Johnny Depp.

Chris Evans shows what it's like to wear a beard the right way. That's he is Captain America and Jayson Werth is an a-hole.

Brad Pitt is not only a political activist, but he also knows how to groom a proper goatee. Take notes.

Lastly, and Serena's personal favorite, the 5:00 shadow. Jensen Ackles is basically a super hero at crafting the 5:00 shadow. Maybe you should try reaching out to him to ask for some help. We think he has an official Facebook page.

Traveling Baseball Babes, join us in this call to arms! Do not stand for this malarkey any longer! Join us! And fight! We stand together united in hatred for stupid beard choices!

"M" is for Movember

Don't get too excited. We're not doing our annual critique of facial hair around the league...yet. Today's blog posts are strictly about some of baseball's greatest moustaches in honor of the great and wonderful Movember. This is the time of year where men nationwide embrace the look of child molester in order to promote prostate cancer awareness. Let's face it, boys. Your moustaches are not what they used to be. Very few men these days pull off the fine art of the stache like the men of the 1970's porn era. True heroes in the history of grooming.

Here are the select few modern-day men that have rocked the stache to its fullest potential:

Carlos Villanueva looks like the WB Mason guy, which brings us coffee to our workplace, so obviously he's good in our book.

It's become clear that Cole Hamels will be sexy in any way shape or form. If he can make Magnum PI sexy, he can do anything. Leap tall buildings in a single bound. Run faster than a speeding bullet. Grow a Duck Dynasty beard.

Sal Fasano knows how to honor Goose Gossage and the magnificent handlebar moustache.

Now for the trail blazers. The men who set the standards in moustaches:

Donnie Baseball. The Hit Man himself. Don Mattingly. LA just doesn't look right with a clean shaven upper lip. 

 Yes. Simply the best. Better than all the rest.

                                     
Two third basemen that know that a thick proper stache is the key to Silver Slugger Awards and World Series Championships. Note: not a Creep-stache, but a proper stache. The kind of stache that would have health benefits and a 401(k) plan.

Gentlemen, let's see how you're promoting Movember. Send or post your Movember pics to Facebook, email, or tag us on Instagram/Twatter and we'll pick our favorite one to share on our last blog post of November. Insert evil laugh. Do Goose Gossage proud!