Yankees vs. Royals 5-10-16

You got the date right. As you can see, we are nearly three months behind schedule. We figured that we better get a handle on posting this before Star Wars Night on Friday. Or our Marlins trip. Truth be told, this is going to be a rough post. We barely remember the game. In fact, we barely remember this weekend.What we remember clearly is the food that we ate:

 

 

These are the best burgers we've ever had ANYWHERE. We got these at the Triple Play stand on the main level in section 115. Lisa ordered The G.O.A.T. (The Greatest of All Time). On this magnificent burger is beef topped with American cheese, bacon, pastrami, and G.O.A.T. sauce. Serena ordered The Barnyard Wedding, which included beef topped with a fried chicken cutlet, hash browns, BBQ sauce, and cheddar cheese. Oh, and we both got a side of fries with that. Because we've got fat children living inside us. Each burger was about $16. We just Googled the caloric intake for one of these burgers and apparently it's more than either of us should have in an entire day.

The burgers were the highlight of our entire week, if not month. We talk about these burgers to anyone who'll listen to us. Therefore, it's the highlight of this blog. From here, we'll try our best to piece together the rest of our adventure.

For starters, we arrived:

Then we made it a point to check out Monument Park so that Serena could visit her man.

 

While we were there, we visited other people too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 For Mamadukes:

After Monument Park, we stuffed our faces on the best burgers on the planet. Because we had to mention them again. It is worth noting that we enjoyed our burgers so much that we barely talked. We simply grunted at each other as we switched burgers after a few bites and then switched again. Some nodding of appreciation over our glorious meals. No words. In this case, words are meaningless.

After the meal, it really didn't matter what happened next because life no longer had meaning. We headed to our seats regardless. This is the view from our $5 Mastercard Monday deal:

 

Not too shabby, eh?

It doesn't matter so much what happened on the field at this game. What does matter is what took place in the stands surrounding us. For starters, let's discuss the Royals' fans that have risen from muck and mire to stand high and mighty on top of piles of sh*t at other people's stadiums. Are these the true blue Royals' fans that supported their team through thick and thin and who were born and raised in the Kansas City area? No. These are local idiots that just want to be a part of a World Series winning team. This postseason, when Kansas City doesn't win (and they won't), these buffoons will be on to the next team, the next World Championship t-shirt/hat/hoodie, and they'll be coming to a stadium near you. These are not just New Yorkers. These are local bandwagon ass clowns that can be found nationwide. They are most likely your neighbors. These same sh*t sippers invaded Yankee Stadium like a case of herpes. Not only did they sit and fester, but they made a whole lot of noise. Too much noise for a group of people not cheering for the home team. Listen, we don't visit you in your home and act like an asshole. Our mothers raised us better than that. We act like assholes in our own homes as is our god given right. Lisa lost her patience, which is truly saying something because between the two of us, Lisa is infinitely more kind. Therefore, if Lisa lost her patience, how do well do you think Serena was handling it? This is us not happy with our neighboring KC fans:

Lisa spent a good chunk of the evening shouting, "Go home, Kansas City! You're drunk!"

Aside from the KC fans, we happened to be across the aisle from a sh*t show. As in, if you Google, "sh*t show," this scenario will pop up. Picture this, if you will: a group of men drinking heavily. Now imagine them as fathers in charge of their offspring. Their horribly behaved offspring. What do you do when your wretched offspring behaves horribly in public? It seems that you just drink more and buy them a sh*t ton of expensive souvenirs and more soda pop. As if these rug rats needed more sugar in their system. At one point, Serena turned to Lisa and asked, "Are you sure you want one of these? If your child acts like that, I'm not hanging out with it. Or you."

Just a few of the more memorable snapshots of these kids:

• One child swung from the railing separating our seats from falling to our deaths. Did a single parent address the situation? No. However, in his defense, it's possible that he was hoping for a convenient way to dispose of the child. 
• Children running amuck. Up and down the aisles and stairs. Screaming. Causing traffic jams and headaches. Spilling aforementioned soda pop.
• A child demanded more soda pop from either his father or his friend's father and it was fetched for him. If either of us "demanded" anything from either of our parents, we assure you that a good beating is what we would've received. Not soda pop. 

In conclusion, those were some tasty burgers. 

New York Yankees Opening Day 2011

March 31, 2011:
I hadn’t been to an Opening Day since the last season of the “Old” Yankees Stadium and I’m not really sure what prompted me to investigate the cost of tickets on StubHub this year, but it took me all of 10 minutes to find seats for under $100/each, ask Jess to go with me, and commit to the purchase. Behold: my first Opening Day in two years (and my first legitimate Opening Day blog posting) and Jess’ first appearance on the TBB blog.

We arrived at the stadium at about 12:00 for a 1:05 start. The sky was grey and the air was cold and dank. The crowd outside the stadium seemed immense. We struggled to maneuver around the mass waiting on line to enter through Gate 6, hoping to reach a less bombarded entrance. Sure enough, once past Gate 6, the lines were minute and we were quickly ushered into the Great Hall. One might think that our first stop would be our seats or even the bathroom after a fairly long subway ride, but no. Jess and my actions are dictated by (with very, very few exceptions) one thing and one thing only: food. At a previous game, Jess had eaten a steak sandwich from the Lobel’s stand on Field Level near home plate and insisted that I had to try it.

The line was long, but moved fairly quickly. While we waited, we could watch the butcher carve the meat through a glass window. The smell of cooking meat permeated the air and made my stomach growl.

The sandwich was $15, which sounds like a lot, but the buttery roll is well-stuffed with juicy, thickly sliced meat. It was sooo delicious. If you have the extra cash, I’d highly recommend it.

In our infinite wisdom, we also bought ice cold Bud Light in souvenir cups for $11/each. Gripping the frigid wet cups on our way to our seats was torture to our poor exposed digits.

Our seats were located in the upper deck near left field and offered us a fair view of the entire field. Only Brett Gardener at his position in left was obscured to us.

The opening ceremony was beautiful, beginning with the national anthem and unfolding of the American flag in center field.

Fighter planes thundering overheard closed out the anthem.

Mike Mussina threw out the ceremonial first pitch to Jorge Posada amid the chorus of “Moooooooooooooose.” How can you not love Moose?

Finally, the game was underway with CC Sabathia’s first pitch.

What followed was 6 innings of constant reminders as to why fantasy baseball does not work for me. It forces me to divide my loyalty. I recently joined my cousin’s fantasy league (Team Name: Tigers Love Pepper…and yes, this is yet another reference to The Hangover) which is the first fantasy league that I’ve participated in since my freshman year in college. Yesterday, I had three of my players starting in the Yankees/Tigers matchup: Alex Rodriguez, Nick Swisher, and…Justin Verlander. Do you know what it’s like to beg Verlander to pitch like a beast so that he’d earn me points AND encourage Rodriguez and Swisher to hit well so that THEY’D earn me points?

Mark Teixeira’s 3-run homerun in the 1st was both and exhilarating and disappointing. What the hell?? Why couldn’t Rodriguez or Swisher have hit that? I mean, if we’re going to pelt my starting pitcher with home runs, I’d like it to be one of my hitters so that Tigers Love Pepper would at least benefit from it. Do you know who triumphed with that homerun? Mamadukes’ team. Thank god I’m not playing her this week.

Each time men were in scoring position with 2 outs, I’d say something to the effect of, “Okay, if Jorge hits the ball to the first baseman and he bobbles the ball, allowing Jorge to reach first, that’s an error and doesn’t affect any points that Verlander may earn for me.” Repeating crap like that on a continual basis over the course of several innings would annoy anyone. I’m truly surprised that Jess did not punch me in the face.

Around the 4th inning, we needed a weather break. It had alternated between a steady drizzle, no precipitation, and hail (literally. This is not an exaggeration) the entire time. The wind pummeled the upper deck relentlessly. Plus, the man sitting behind us had absolutely no concept of “space courtesy.” He sat slouched in his seat with his legs wide open and his knees against the backs of our heads. Every time I turned to say something to Jess, my peripheral was greeted by his crotch. It was needless to say jarring. The unpleasant conditions had prompted most of the crowd to seek shelter amongst the walkways and numerous gift shops stationed throughout the stadium, so Crotch Man had an entire row to himself. He did not need to sit directly behind us and share his entire glory with us. Jess and I bolted for the ladies’ room.

Our muscles ached from being clenched for so long in the cold. Jess couldn’t feel her feet whereas my body had finally achieved the state where it was so cold that it no longer felt itself at all, which could’ve meant that I was dying…but I’m no doctor. The need to thaw sent us on a gift shop investigation. Jess could not find a suitable sweatshirt to buy in order to combat the elements. The sweatshirts available for women were so thin that it could hardly be considered a sweatshirt, let alone worth the price of $60.

Before returning to our seats, I bought a hot pretzel at a nearby stand for $4.50. By the time we walked from the stand to our seats, the pretzel was cold. Fail.

The removal of Verlander in favor of Phil Coke (sporting a newly grown chin Brazilian, which nearly caused me to vomit up my formerly hot pretzel) made things a lot easier for me. Go ahead, Yankees lineup, pummel the crap out of him!

In the top of the 9th, Enter Sandman signaled the entrance of Mariano Rivera. I snapped a quick photo of him leaving the bullpen…

…and pitching. He retired the side easily, leaving Jess and I to battle the crowds and subway.

Jess had been practicing her “Blog Face” all week in preparation for this post:

Couple of things on the day to comment on:

• Several amazing plays made by Curtis Granderson makes me grateful that Johnny Damon is gone and that the Yankees finally have a competent center fielder. And it instilled a sense of missed opportunity that I hadn’t ranked him higher in the auto draft.
• Brett Gardner might be one of the fastest men in baseball. When he runs, his feet become blurred like the Road Runner’s.
• I’m totally confident in our lineup this year and not so confident in our bullpen.
• CC Sabathia looks like Big Poppa (Jess and I came to this conclusion together).
• Russell Martin not only stole a base, but he tagged from third and scored on a fly ball to the outfield. Holy crap, we have a catcher that can actually run faster than I walk!!! It’s an Opening Day miracle!
• The Tigers’ second baseman, Will Rhymes, is having some serious issues with his facial hair growth. The fur that carpets his neck (and very faintly on the face…like peach fuzz) made us think that he’s unable to grow actual facial hair and therefore settled for growing it all over his neck. Just because you can grow hair in other places besides your chin/face does not mean you should do it. If you’re unable to cultivate proper facial hair, take it as a sign that you’re meant to be a clean shaven lad.
• Finally, in his photo that’s displayed on the stadium’s jumbotron, Tigers’ relief pitcher, Ryan Perry showcases a smile so wide and “toothy” that it reminded Jess and I of the elves working in Santa’s Workshop in the movie…well…Elf. Is there sugar in syrup? Then YES!

Our regularly scheduled TBB blog will be posted on Sunday as planned.

By the way - today I have Jonathan Sanchez and Felix Hernandez going for Tigers Love Pepper.

Rays @ Yankees 9-21-10

Well…at least WE got to see the Yankees play well this week. That’s a bonus, we suppose. Rules are rules though. Before we can even talk about the amazing food we ate on Tuesday (oh…and the baseball game), we must relay the results of last week’s poll. Andy Pettitte returned to the Yankees’ rotation in fantastic form on Sunday, which prompted us to ask the question: would Andy Pettitte help the Yankees? A mere 6 people seemed to have an opinion on this subject. 2 people felt that their mother would be of assistance to the Yankees at this rate. 3 people firmly believed that he would, citing that they had heard “his crotch was feeling much better.” We just hate it when there are issues with the crotch area. 1 lone reed didn’t think he’d make any difference. However, we’re proud to report that no one voted for “ooooh, Andy Pettitte’s hot.” We’re sorry, but sometimes your decisions worry us and with each new poll that we post, we can never tell what direction you’re going to go in. It’s troublesome.

Every time we think that the subway is the easiest way to get around town, we’re brought back to reality by something as simple, yet inevitable like rush hour. The E and D trains that we took to get to Yankees Stadium were so congested that we’re confident that sardines have it better. We also had to listen to a man on the D insisting that the train was not stopping at Yankees Stadium. The more he rattled on, the more panicked the tourists on the subway became. To make matters worse, he spoke so loudly that we couldn’t hear anything the conductor announced over the PA system. We were forced to peer out the windows through the armpits of our surrounding passengers in order to see the signs on the subway platforms.

Thankfully, we arrived at Yankees Stadium relatively unscathed and on time to receive our free giveaways: a Metlife Snoopy doll!

Our first goal of the day was to go to Monument Park in order to see the new Steinbrenner monument. Unfortunately, this is what we found when we got there:

We apparently missed Monument Park by ten stupid minutes. We’re going to blame the subway ride on this one. Just because. However, all was not lost. We were at least able to take a picture of the wall of retired numbers outside of Monument Park.

We even made sure to take a picture of Don Mattingly for Mamadukes:

In the same area, we found a small souvenir store that we’d never noticed before so naturally, we HAD to check it out. God forbid we miss a chance to try anything on and behave like a-holes.

Long before that night’s game, we decided that we needed to branch out in terms of food intake at Citi Field and Yankees Stadium. We can’t keep buying the same items, no matter how much we love them. It’s not fair to you that we keep reporting on the same hot dog and sausage sandwich. It’s obvious by now that we think they’re yummy. Therefore, we went in search of a new food item to sample. We found a Holy Guacamole stand just outside the right field bleacher section and went to town. For $8.50, we got this delightful plate of sweet goodness: nachos covered in cheese, tasty spicy beef, salsa, and guacamole on the side. We purchased two Bud Lights for $9/each at another small stand in the area.

This is when things got interesting for us. We plopped down at a nearby bar table to eat the nachos, but were asked to leave because the seats were “reserved.” Okay. Fine. We DID happen to notice the “Reserved” sign resting on the table and had chosen to ignore it. So we moved on. We found another empty bar table without a sign and sat down. Not one nacho made it into our mouths before we were asked to leave AGAIN. Apparently, those seats were “reserved as well.” After being dismissed from two other tables, we finally found an empty table in the middle of the Yankees Stadium Food Court.

It turned out that we’d end up spending a lot of time in this section as the game wore on, but we’ll get into that a bit later. As we polished off our nachos, we noticed that the food court was decorated with blown up black and white photos of different people from the Yankees organization either eating or drinking. Our favorite was this one of Ron Guidry. He’s icing his arm and chowing down on a rib with his other hand like a mother f’n champion:

After disposing of our garbage, we climbed to the very top of Yankees Stadium where our seats were located.

If you think we’re joking about our seats being at the very top of the stadium, we assure you that we’re not. This is the view of outside the stadium from our seats:

We were literally able to communicate with God from up here. He said that he’s concerned about the Yankees bullpen holding up during the playoffs. We agreed. The pitching matchup was between Phil Hughes (again…Phil just seems to adore us) and James Shields.

The game started off rocky for Shields. Nick Swisher got things started with a solo homerun. Then Jorge Posada hit an RBI single that brought Mark Teixeira home.

As if the 2-run deficit wasn’t bad enough, Shields continued to put men on base and Lance Berkman made it hurt. His 2-run double made the score 4-0 and allowed the scoreboard to greet us with this priceless gem:

But wait. There’s more! Curtis Granderson hit a single that scored Berkman, making it 5-0. In the top of the 2nd, the Rays managed to scratch 1 run across with a Matt Joyce homerun. Around this time, we recalled a delightful little bakery that lived in the field level section near home plate at the “Old” Yankees Stadium. We remembered that during a Yankees/Rays game, similar to the one we were currently at, we purchased a Derek Jeter cookie and that it had been delicious. You might be asking yourself, what is a Derek Jeter cookie? Our friends, it is a cookie with Derek Jeter’s FACE on it. One could say that we ate Derek Jeter’s face…and enjoyed it. Surely something as innovative as a Yankees’ bakery HAD to have followed the team across the street to their new home. We wondered where it might be…

…then Phil Hughes gave up a two out RBI single to Evan Longoria in the top of the 3rd. We booed, but our hearts weren’t in it. All we could think about was when our next meal was and where the magical bakery could be. After a brief coaching visit to the mound, Hughes was able to coax Ben Zobrist to ground out to Teixeira at first. After the Yankees were retired in the bottom of the inning, we went in search of the closest hot dog stand. It had come to our realization that we hadn’t eaten a hot dog at the new stadium yet. The grilled foot long was $6.25. The stand offered sauerkraut and red onions, but the vendor loaded up the hot dog for you. Serena ordered onions in red sauce while Lisa got sauerkraut. At the nearby condiments table, Serena added spicy mustard and Lisa added ketchup and mustard. The dogs were quite the mouthful and much better than the dogs at the stadium’s predecessor. No jokes, please.

By the time we finished the hot dogs, it was the bottom of the 6th. We know this sounds ridiculous. It took us two whole innings to find a hot dog stand and eat. The good thing about the layout of the new stadium is that we were still able to watch the game while standing on line at the stand and eating the hot dogs at a nearby “unreserved” table.

With the Derek Jeter cookie still on our brains, we asked every single employee that we bumped into about the whereabouts of a bakery. Each person told us that there was no bakery. We refused to believe this. Why the hell wouldn’t they transport this bakery with them to the new stadium? It’s completely ludicrous to think that beneath the rubble of the old stadium lays a Derek Jeter cookie that will never be eaten! What is this world coming to? Undaunted, we decided to comb the stadium ourselves. We never found the bakery, but we DID find a Fried Dough stand in the food court that didn’t just sell your ordinary funnel cake. No. They sold something infinitely better than just funnel cake. Fried Twinkies and Oreos. Oh, yes. It will be done. Since both options were $6 and brilliant, the master plan was for Serena to buy the Oreos while Lisa bought the Twinkie (sadly, you only get one Twinkie, but we can admit that that’s probably best for your heart). We knew we were in for something special because the line was 30 people long. Figuring that fried food was always worth it, we jumped on the end of the line.

While we patiently waited and listened to a man behind us talking about how he runs every morning in order to make up for his terrible eating habits (oh, is that the key to not gaining weight? Huh. We’ve been going about this all wrong…), the Rays scored another run, making it 5-3. When we finally reached the counter of glory, Lisa was notified that they had run out of Twinkies. Devastation does not fully communicate the insurmountable feeling of despair that encompassed our bodies. The Runner behind us went buck wild when he heard the news. It was a bit frightening as he stormed off, muttering to himself. We couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like for the other passengers on his subway ride that night. At least we still had the fried Oreos.

It was glorious. It was everything we’ve ever dreamed of and more. It was proof that God loves us. It was probably a good thing that we didn’t get a Twinkie because we most likely would’ve barfed. Being as lazy as we are, we chose not to return to our seats and opted to watch the rest of the game from the field level main corridor instead.

We asked an employee to take our picture with the field behind us and were denied. We were a bit confused, but he explained that they were no longer allowed to take anyone’s picture because someone had dropped a camera and was sued. Wow. That is pathetic. People really need to find better things to do if they have the time to bring some poor usher to court over a broken camera. A fan standing close by took our picture instead.

The Yankees would go on to win 8-3. As we left to catch the subway, we snapped a few last minutes photos. Babe Ruth Plaza (which we’d never seen since the subway deposits you at the corner near the Gate 4 entrance):

...and of course, Yankees Stadium itself:

Baseball Notes: On Tuesday, the Twins became the first team to clinch a division title this season. Their 6-4 victory over the Indians combined with the White Sox 7-2 loss to the A’s means that there’ll be no need for an extra tie-breaker game for the AL Central like last year (though we doubted that the White Sox were going to stage some miracle comeback to prompt a tie-breaker anyway). While this is super awesome for the Twins and M&M boys, we feel slightly wistful as we recall that nail-biter game against the Tigers last season. Surrounded by all around lackluster Division Series where most of the winning teams swept their opponents, that 164th game was pure excitement.

After a lot of back and forth B.S., Joe Torre finally confirmed that he would NOT be managing the Mets next year. He even went so far as to apologize to Jerry Manuel for fanning the fire of those rumors. Torre has become so full of himself, that we find it hard to believe that he’s genuine about anything these days. As you may recall, late last week, the Dodgers announced that Don Mattingly would be assuming the helm of the SS Think Blue for 2011 (Mamadukes must be so proud!), leaving Torre unemployed. Torre claims to not anticipate managing another team in the future, but his vague word selections and recent arrogant behavior makes us skeptical. Of course, only time will tell if this is a true retirement or Brett Farve-inspired. Mattingly’s well-deserved opportunity to shine gets him TBB Super Hero of the Week status. It’s about time, Donnie!

In further Mets’ news, Tuesday night’s 5-2 loss to the Marlins “officially” eliminated them from playoff contention. Shocker.

Lastly, with the Yankees pitching staff behaving like a pack of NTAC’s last night, the Rays were able to pull within a ½ game of first in the AL East again. Nice job, guys. We can tell you’re REALLY trying to firmly grasp the division here.

Before we leave you with lines of moving and heartfelt poetry, we’ve got some fun stuff in store for you next week’s blog posting. Tomorrow afternoon, we and Papa L. will be at Citi Field for a guided tour of the stadium. This option is something new that the Mets introduced to fans this season, following the footsteps of many other stadiums around the league, including the Yankees (Serena did this tour last season. You can read her post regarding the trip here). Tours were not even offered at Shea Stadium, so this should be pretty cool. We’ll make sure to post as many pictures as possible for you. Another heads up regarding next week is that the blog will be posted sometime Thursday afternoon as opposed to Friday. The reason for this is that we’ll be on an overnight flight to Paris Thursday night and unable to blog during our usual Friday lunch break time. We’re sure that you can understand.

“Eating time. Open up your wallets and enjoy the stadium meals. Eating time. Dump that really good beef all over the nachos we want to eat. Eating time. One last call for alcohol so we will finish our beer before the 7th. Eating time. We have to go home now cos’ we can’t afford any more meals. We know what we want to eat next time. Oh, we know what we want to eat next time.”