Jayson Werth, Buy a F*cking Razor! Check Groupon Goods for Sales!

Welcome to Movember. One of the best times of the entire year. A time for men to embrace their inner manliness (because let's face it, men are now all a bunch of pansies who get their eyebrows and sh*t waxed). Unfortunately, there are those on this planet that abuse Movember 365 days of the year. Since this is a baseball blog, we're not going to waste time belly aching about the idiots we see on a day to day basis. We're going to focus on the King of Facial Hair Failures himself: Jayson Werth.

It is important that we emphasize just how often this man offends the very essence of mankind. Worldwide. This man has not only appeared in one facial hair blog posting, but in every single one. Including a special letter designed specifically for him. The only facial hair related blog post that he's not featured in is our letter to Barry Zito and that's only because we had bigger fish to fry that day.

There aren't words to describe what Jayson Werth has become. To call him the missing link would be an insult to the missing link. Behold:

We're done. We're done with him and his asinine behavior. We're throwing down the gauntlet. If this a-hole doesn't shave his f*cking sh*t off by Thanksgiving, we're demanding that he allows us to shave him for men's health related charities. Of course, since he's rich, he'll be writing the check for these donations. We ask all of you to show your support for this cause by leaving words of encouragement in the comments section of this blog post. We will then take this blog post/petition and pepper his social media outlets with it.

Since it's Movember, he can't shave his hair completely off. Therefore, to help Jayson, we've compiled some examples of what acceptable and desirable facial hair looks like:

Tom Selleck and the moustache:

Actually, we don't think anyone but Tom Selleck should be rocking a Tom Selleck moustache because technically, it's creepy and only he can pull it off. So maybe he needs to find another moustache to choose from. Perhaps he should Google Johnny Depp.

Chris Evans shows what it's like to wear a beard the right way. That's he is Captain America and Jayson Werth is an a-hole.

Brad Pitt is not only a political activist, but he also knows how to groom a proper goatee. Take notes.

Lastly, and Serena's personal favorite, the 5:00 shadow. Jensen Ackles is basically a super hero at crafting the 5:00 shadow. Maybe you should try reaching out to him to ask for some help. We think he has an official Facebook page.

Traveling Baseball Babes, join us in this call to arms! Do not stand for this malarkey any longer! Join us! And fight! We stand together united in hatred for stupid beard choices!

The Bearded Menace

It's that time of year folks. It's time to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly regarding facial around the league. Let's just get right down to it because to be quite frank, there's a whole lot of nasty floating around out there to be discussed. 

First up is Brian Wilson. What. The. Flying. F*ck. What the hell can you even say about this? It looks like he glued an afro wig from Party City to his face. And then braided it. 

As usual, this a-hole made it to the sh*t list. Jayson Werth. We never think it's possible for him to get worse than he already is, but then the next season rolls around and he manages to outdo the shi*t show from the year before. How? How does he continue to astound us with his terrible grooming habits? How is it even possible? His hair defies the laws of logic. Is he that hairy everywhere???

So...Josh Beckett decided to grow a Brillo pad on his chin. Because this is considered sexy now? 

Is Tim Lincecum joking? His haircut was bad enough and now he's grown this pathetic little upper lip caterpillar. We tried to find a cartoon character that we could reference in order to make fun of him, but truth be told, even Jafar has a better moustache than Timmy. 

Finally, let's move on to the champions of facial hair. Let's welcome first timer to our blog, Tanner Roark to the list. 

Vastly improved from last year, no?

 

Chris Young shows young men everywhere how to rock a perfectly groomed beard without appearing to have used a stencil in order to do it. Or an eyeliner to pencil in the aforementioned facial hair.

Brandon Morrow? Yes. Nicely done, good sir. We likie. You stay classy. 

Jeff Bianchi gives Justin Verlander a run for his money in the 5:00 shadow beard department. We have no idea who he is, but Lisa accidentally found him on The Google. Meow. 

It was a struggle this year, folks. It's becoming increasingly more challenging to find the good eggs in a nest of beard vipers. Why can't you f*cking a-holes just shave your goddamn beards properly? Is it for attention? Because that's pathetic. 

We Bid Adieu to Monsieur McCann's Beard

With Brian McCann's recent signing with the Yankees, it's time for us to face the inevitable. McCann will have to shave his beautifully cultivated beard.

Allow us to have a moment of silence for the most perfect full beard in the MLB.






Sure. McCann may be a ginger and that's awful, but take a look at that mindful, grooming technique. There's no leftover food hanging out in his whiskers. Not scraggly pieces of fur. No forest creatures whistling a Disney tune within its roughage. Even better is the fact that it's not a sissy mary anorexic beard. So many men struggle to grow proper day to day whiskers and as a result, they look like creepy a-holes. Pansies with sparse weeds sprouting here and there. Not McCann.

Alas, thanks to the Yankees' Employee Handbook, McCann must become clean shaven. The most boring of looks for the male gender. Since McCann has to part with his beautiful beard, we've decided to offer him the opportunity of allowing us to shave him. We are awesome at shaving our own legs, so this shouldn't be too hard, especially considering his face is a smaller surface area than our legs are. He will pay us a fee, naturally, which will then be donated to a charity of our choice. Like animals or Freds. Maybe breasts.

Sir McCann, please feel free to have your assistant contact us at his/her earliest convenience so that we may schedule an appointment for your charitable shaving. Thank you and have a nice day.

The Return of Facial Hair Around the League

In celebration of Cinco de Mayo and moustaches, we've decided to give you the third installment of Facial Hair Around the League. It was extremely difficult to determine this year's Hair of Fame inductees and way too easy to find the giant failures, which means that the men of the MLB are slipping. The league is becoming a pack of furry dirt bags. Before we get into the do's and the do not's, we thought it might be helpful if we gave you a brief overview about what WE find attractive in a man's facial hair. Here is Lisa's taste spectrum:

Unfortunately for Lisa, Guidos do not play baseball. They play soccer. Therefore, we will not be discussing this aspect of man candy today. After we're done touring the baseball stadiums, we'll move on to soccer and then we'll have plenty of Guido to talk about.

Here is Serena's:

As you can see, Lisa is more into the clean-cut look and Serena is more into the scruffy 5:00 shadow look. And then there's this:

This biggest shame of it all is that he won't have sex before his married. What. A. F*cking. Waste.

Now that you have some understanding as to where our rankings come from, let's begin with the league's worst hair offenses. For starters, we could've put almost the entire Nationals roster (with the exception of Danny Espinosa, Ryan Zimmerman, and Adam LaRoche) into this category, but we didn't have enough room or time to cover that many people. So we picked the worst of the bunch. Naturally, heading up this circus of hair clowns is the King of Hair Fails: Jayson Werth.

The only improvement from last year is that we think he's been conditioning his locks. OF COURSE the young bucks of the Nationals would be led astray if they had to look at this for their entire immature MLB careers. He looks like a deranged Santa Claus. We just don't get it. Beneath this shag carpet is an attractive pleasant face. Why is he hiding it? His beard is probably why the Nationals did so poorly in the playoffs last year. It reminds us of the "furry wall" scene from Get Him to the Greek. When the day comes that Jayson wants to go clean shaven, they're going to need hedge clippers to hack off the initial foot of growth and 80% of the world's endangered species list will suddenly emerge from hiding.

 

Next up on the Nationals' roster is what's being called "The Skullet." Bryce Harper:

That's a clown haircut, bro. It's bad enough that at the age of 20, he's a raging douchebag with an ESPN documentary. He has to sport this look? So not only is he a douchebag, but he looks like one too. He can't even use the excuse that the haircut/beard is a result of a bad night drinking. Why? Cos' the little f*ckwad toddler isn't even old enough to drink alcohol! In studying this photo further, it's become clear that he gets his eyebrows waxed/threaded and shaped by a professional. How does this man give penetration to anything except prostitutes? There's literally nothing here of value. You'd HAVE to pay us to bang you if this is what you looked like. At least Jayson Werth has a World Series ring and once a year, he brings toys to children all over the world.

 

Stephen Strasburg:

Now, he seems like a nice boy so we feel bad picking on him, but this simply cannot stand. When you have the misfortune of being a ginger, you need to be extra careful when it comes to grooming. You're already pretty terrifying. There's no need to add to the terror with a f*cked up beard. Or Billy Goat thing. Or mock representation of a goatee. We don't know what he's doing. All we know is that it's terrible and it's not helping the unattractiveness of his face.

 

Speaking of terrible gingers, what the sh*t is Justin Turner doing with this look?

Holy hell. He looks like a carrot cake nightmare. We HATE having to put one of our own into this portion of the blog, but when you do the crime, you are doing the time, buddy. And you're subjected to ridicule on this blog by us. His hair color catapults him to the top of this list, even beyond the horror that is Jayon Werth. What choice would you have if this man asked you on a date, BUT to scream and run away? Similar to what your reaction should be if you're in your underwear and your house catches fire. Fire...like this man's crotch. Imagine what THAT looks like if his face looks like this? *SHUDDER*

 

It pains us to talk about this last player because he means so much to us: Tim Lincecum.

We know that TECHNICALLY he's done nothing wrong with his face, but his haircut cannot go unpunished. It's awful. Under no circumstances should a member of the male gender rock a do that makes him look like KD Lang. Where were his friends on this one? No one tried to talk him out of this on his way to the barber? Or rather hair stylist because we're pretty sure you can't get this haircut at a barber shop? If Turner's crotch is the forest fire from Hades, then based on his haircut, Timmy probably has a Brazilian. As we sit here typing this, Serena is speechless. Which is as rare as a Lochness Monster sighting.

 

Now that we've raped your sight with those atrocities, allow us to make everything better by presenting our Hair of Fame inductees for 2013. Not every proper facial hair style is acceptable for every dude. Like a snowflake, no two beards are alike. For every well-kept full beard is another guy who looks like a hobo when attempting the same style. We aim to cover all aspects of proper hair styles so that you (and the remainder of the MLB) can find one suitable to your (and their) face.

 

Let's start with the basic: no hair whatsoever as best demonstrated by Matt Cain:

Dear sweet Matthew is as bare as a baby's booty. He might not be old enough to grow hair yet, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he's found a superb look and embraced it like a champ. If you're ever uncertain as to which look you should go for, go for this one. You can't possible f*ck it up. If you do, you're a special kind of stupid that has bigger problems than shaving.

 

The next step up from totally clean-shaven is a "kept" 5:00 shadow like the kind sported by Serena's Big Texan:

"Kept" meaning pre-meditated. Meaning you wake up in the morning and set your buzzer to the level that keeps your 5:00 shadow just the way it is. You don't let it get past this point nor do you completely shave it off. You keep it just so. Andy Pettitte demonstrates this look with perfection. Don't you just want to nuzzle up in his nook now?

 

Some of you may want to take this step a bit further without committing to full beard or full goatee. You're a man! You WANT to be hairy! It's in the XY chromosome to be hairy so why not embrace it? Kurt Nieuwenhuis rocks what we've been calling "The Scruffy Beard." Not quite full beard, but more than the 5:00 shadow. Look how lovely it is:

For men who want to sport this do, you'll still need to use a buzzer as opposed to a razor since you'll want to keep the scruff mowed and under control without lopping it off. Depending on the hairiness of the dude and the coarseness of his hair, a 5:00 shadow man might need to buzz every morning, but not a Scruffy Beard man (unless you're our friend, Tom, who apparently clean shaves in the morning and sprouts a 5:00 shadow by...well...5:00). A Scruffy Beard man might be able to go 1-2 mornings without turning on his buzzer. Again, the science on how long you can go between buzzes really depends on the individual. We encourage you to experiment with your buzzer to find out what works for you and your hair.

 

Finally, some of you still may not feel that this is enough hair to proudly declare your manliness. Some of you might want, dare we say it? The full beard. We do want to preface this by saying that neither of us find this look particularly attractive, but if you're gonna go for it, please remember to keep it groomed and free of food and other assorted particles. The King Daddy of the full beard is Brian McCann. His beard is always flawless. We've got TWO examples of stellar beards in the league this season and that is RA Dickey and Pedro Alvarez:

Notice how the beards are not scraggly and out of control. Notice how neither men has bits of their morning meal hanging out within the layers of their fur. Remember these men when considering your beard cultivation.

 

This week's baseball notes includes nothing of value, but yesterday WAS International Star Wars Day and for that, we have this:

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

DAMN! Serena’s Got a Small Foot

Hello, a-holes. You’ll be pleased to hear that 9 of 12 people voted that Serena should send that a-hole letter to Barry Zito about his moustache because “someone needs to tell him that porn-staches are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.” For some strange reason you people thought that SERENA should be that special someone. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just MAYBE someone close to Barry Zito (like say, a friend, family member, lover?) should be the person to break this kind of news to him? “Hey, Barry, I love you, man so don’t take this the wrong way, but that moustache makes you look like an a-hole. A creepy level 5, even. Dude, from one bro to another. Shave that sh*t.” No. Instead some creepy jack-a-loon blogger had to be the one to send him a letter. Well…you got your goddamn wishes. Behold. Evidence of your stupid and personally damaging encouragement:

Only 3 individuals had any sort of sense and voted for, “No. Are you freakin’ kidding? It’s bad enough you post this crap to your blog.” We’re guessing that this was probably Mamadukes, Roberta (Fred K’s Cancer Secretary of State), and someone else who probably just hates us. Like Uncle Pat.

We should point out at this stage that Lisa arrived at Serena’s house to blog at 2:30 this afternoon. Did we blog? No. We watched Tron: Legacy instead. The movie was okay, but more importantly Garrett Hedlund is delicious. The only problem is the fact that Disney kept ruining every opportunity for us to view his delectable body by doing something like cover him up! What the hell? If you’re going to put a man that attractive in a glow in the dark leotard accenting his “assets,” then let us get a glimpse of him nakie! But, no. It would not be so. *Sigh* So we Googled and found this:

And that, folks, is what being a TBB Super Hero is all about. Discovering Garrett Hedlund prompted us to come up with yet another asinine contest...only this time it will be real. There will be an actual attainable prize. Your picture on our blog viewed by Serena’s entire family (because Lisa’s parents do not read the blog…they don’t know how to use their internet machine). Don’t scoff as if this is some bull sh*t prize. Serena’s clan is enormous. They won’t quit reproducing.

So, what’s the contest? Submit to us your photo along with a paragraph or so as to why to you should be TBB Super Hero of the Week. Best/most creative entry or best looking man will become TBB Super Hero of the Week. The deadline for submission will be Saturday, May 21st and the winner will be announced on Sunday, May 22nd before we take off for Minneapolis. The winner’s picture will remain posted from May 22nd until blogging time on May 29th.

In brief Fred K’s Cancer news, Brad Ziegler of the Oakland A’s donated his game-used cleats for us to raffle off. Since Serena has midget feet (literally, she does) and Ziegler is over six feet tall, Lisa just HAD to compare his feet to Serena’s. Lisa found the comparison so hilarious that she took a picture of it:

Brother went one step further and made this measurement:

Now that Brother has visited, we’ve gotten even further distracted by talking about the Indiana Jones saga and why Dipsy Doodles are not sold in bigger bags. It’s 6:53 pm.

This week’s baseball note:
Justin Morneau returned to the lineup against the Indians on Saturday after missing the previous 5 games with the flu. It seems that Twins’ clubhouse is quite sickly these days what with Joe Mauer also having some sort of viral infection that’s caused bilateral leg weakness.

Finally, we wish everyone a Happy Easter and Happy Passover…and Happy Greek Easter.

7:39 pm.

Dear Mr. Zito

As you can probably guess from today’s post title, we’re giving you another letter today, but before we discuss the horror that Serena will rally on and on and on and on about for what will most likely be several pages, we must discuss last week’s poll. We’re incredibly disappointed in the lack of shark lovers in our audience. We wanted to know how many people switched from the Yankees/Red Sox ESPN game on Sunday night to the season premier of Shark Men on NGC. 4 of 7 individuals voted for, “Uh, no a-holes. The Yankees and Red Sox get priority always.” Well, guess what, A-HOLES?! SERENA, the Yankee fan half of the TBB, switched from the game to Shark Men. Yes, yes she did. And she loved it so you can go F yourselves. You missed a doctor collecting sperm from a young adult great white shark. Lisa can vouch for this. She was a forced witness because Serena has only 1 television. The rest of you voted for “I AM a shark man.”Well…at least you have a sense of humor. That’s always a positive character trait. For some strange reason, no one voted for “I’d leave my infant son with a great white as a babysitter, so yes. I did switch.” We’re not scientists or anything like, but we can’t figure out why you wouldn’t leave your kid with a great white. If you watched Shark Men, you’d see that great whites hunt SEALS, not infants. GOD, you people are so stupid.

Flash back to Sunday Night Baseball two weeks ago. Dodgers/Giants. Exciting matchup. Serena was looking forward to it considering we don’t get many out of market games unless you have the MLB Network…which neither of us do. When Serena found out that her future ex-husband #1 (the second one being Chris Cornell) would be pitching, she was beyond stoked! Her first out of market game would feature Barry Zito! Hooray. The night was starting off so promising!

Then Zito appeared on the television. Serena dry heaved. Zito apparently has decided to rock the Magnum PI stache. He must have lost his goddamn mind. Or he’s doing crack cocaine because there’s clearly no rational explanation for someone who is typically so facially cultivated to suddenly wake up one day and think he is the star of a 1970’s porn.

Naturally, the following morning Serena demanded that Lisa check that sh*t out. Lisa felt like maybe Serena was exaggerating, but no. Google proved Serena’s rant right and Lisa felt like maybe God hated us all. She started to lose faith in mankind. It’s one thing for Jayson Werth to make a poor decision of this magnitude (because he does it all the time), but not Barry Zito! What has this world come to?

Walking from the subway station after the Yankees game, Serena toyed with the idea of writing a letter to Barry Zito since he is a giant moron who actually posted his email (or an email address to contact him) on his official Facebook page. As Serena prattled on about what she’d write to him, Lisa encouraged her to instead, post it here. You’re thrilled, aren’t you? Yet another nonsense blog about facial hair.

5:58 pm. Instead of immediately writing the aforementioned letter, Serena scolded one of Barry Zito’s fans on his Facebook page for encouraging his moustache:

6:01 pm. Back to the letter at hand.

Dear Barry,
I’d like to start this letter off by saying that I actually do like you. I’ve been a fan since your Oakland days. I have in my possession a baseball card of yours from the 2003 season. I’ve met you twice at Shea Stadium. The first time, I stuttered a lot and accidentally allowed you to sign the protective plastic covering of said baseball card. By the time I realized what an a-hole I was, it was too late and I had a signed plastic case in my hand. The second time I met you, I think I drooled a little bit in an attempt to ask for a photo with you. You acquiesced, but I think it’s because you felt sorry for me. Then my friend, Lisa asked you to sign a ball for a fellow fan and neglected to give you a writing implement. You held the ball a full minute before looking at her and asking, “Um, do you have a pen?” Lisa replied, “Uhhhhhh” until someone saved her from further embarrassment by handing you a black marker over her shoulder. SO, needless to say I am batting 1.000 in regards to interacting with you.

Now that I’ve proved my Zito Fanhood, it’s time I got to the real purpose of this letter. I watched your first start of the season on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball and despite your rocky first inning, you pitched pretty well. I’m happy to see that. What I am not happy to see is that Magnum PI moustache that you seem to be fond of these days. I understand that this complaint has nothing to do with your abilities as an athlete. I also understand that you owe me absolutely nothing, but let me try to convey to you exactly why I am as upset as I am.

Remember Lisa? She and I write a baseball blog called “Traveling Baseball Babes” and among the posts that actually manage to legitimately cover baseball, we talk about a lot bull sh*t that most people probably don’t care about. And I mean a lot. For example, we’ve covered facial hair at least twice since the blog’s inception. Actually, now that we’ve posted this letter to the blog, the topic of facial hair has been covered three times. In both initial facial hair-related posts, we congratulated your talents with the razor. You were always our star “pupil.” I present to you for your review Exhibit A and Exhibit B detailing our appreciation for your hair skills.

Why have you grown this 70’s porn-stache? I assure you that it is not comparable to Samson and his hair because you’re 0-1 and now you’re on the DL with some kind of freak of nature foot injury! In fact, I’d go as far as saying that your moustache is bad luck. It’s like a black cat hovering beneath your nostrils. Tom Selleck called. He wants his moustache back.

I understand that everyone wants to create a persona that is unique to you as an individual and will set you aside from your peers. Timmy’s got his hair, Pablo Sandoval aka: Panda has all of those Panda hats, and apparently an entire Renaissance Fair and a clan of ninjas reside in Brian Wilson’s magical beard. That stache is not your chance to stand above the crowd. I am now speaking as a woman to a man. Since it’s clear that the stache is not helping you pitch better, I feel it pertinent to mention that I don’t know any women that would allow their significant other to sport a 70’s porn-stache unless they decided to dress up as Magnum PI for Halloween. Technically, Tom Selleck shouldn’t even be rocking that moustache, but he’s Magnum PI so we allow it. Perhaps you being a rich baseball player will help you in the opposite sex department, but I strongly feel that your salary and fame shouldn’t be what you’re relying on solely to find love or whatever it is that you seek. Can’t you adopt a really interesting hobby that will set you apart from your teammates? What about your yoga (I promise that you don’t need a moustache to practice yoga because I practice yoga and do not currently have a moustache)? Surfing? Why not take up great white shark watching? I hear that’s quite popular in the Bay Area. Do something that you can really shine at. Magnum PI moustaches are not your strength. You’re better than this.

I close out this letter hoping that you’ll shave your heinous moustache, but if not, I hope that this letter at least makes you laugh. Get well soon. Please purchase a Norelco. I beg of you. Don’t make me send you a shaving kit care package to AT&T Park (unless you want to give me your home address).

Sincerely,
Serena Ahne

Now that she’s gotten that off of her chest, Serena feels a lot better. So much so that we can actually start talking about the real purpose of this blog. Stadium touring! We are officially booked for the 2011 touring season. We purchased our Denver airfare on Friday. Unfortunately, financial constraints have forced us to postpone our trip to Toronto. We’re hoping that we can squeeze Toronto in next season, but our priorities for 2012 are DC, Atlanta, and Serena and Maria’s 30th Birthday Excursion to Greece (where they do NOT play baseball). We may save some money by staying with Lisa’s relatives when we head down south, so Toronto is a possibility.

Since we’ll be flying into Minneapolis on May 22nd, Serena will end up missing her co-worker’s Northern New Jersey Walk Now for Autism Speaks event. Feeling a little bit guilty about blowing off Eileen, Serena offered to plug her event on the blog this week, so if anyone lives in the northern New Jersey area and has no plans for the 22nd, you should show your support and register to walk. You can register or donate online here. However, if you live on Long Island, you should just wait until October 2nd and walk in the event that Serena works. ; )

Now for this week’s baseball notes:
Yankees relief pitcher, Pedro Feliciano is likely done for the season. Glad to see all that he’s contributed to the organization thus far. According to an MRI on Tuesday, Feliciano suffers from a torn capsule in his left shoulder and he’s leaning toward undergoing orthoscopic surgery, which would end his season.

Serena’s starting catcher in fantasy baseball, Joe Mauer, was placed on the 15-day DL for “bilateral leg weakness” (what the F*CK does that mean?) and a viral infection. We have no idea what this means for Mauer, the Twins, or Serena’s fantasy baseball team, but feel better, Baby Jesus.

7:05 pm. Mr. Softee just drove by and we got excited.

As you might have noticed from Serena’s letter to Barry Zito, Zito is now on the 15-day DL with a right foot sprain. He’d been pulled in the 2nd inning of last night’s game after he landed funny on his foot while fielding a ball in play (we’d wager a bet that the moustache made him off balanced). He ended up leaving the clubhouse on crutches with a swollen ankle. This will end his personal streak of 356 regular-season starts without having missed one.

Until we meet again, TBB fans, “bad stache, bad stache, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when the razor comes for you? The stache ain’t gonna get you no play. The facial hair police gonna take you away. It’s so bad! So bad!”

It’s 7:26 pm. We’re now discussing the finer points of Michael Westin’s body (Burn Notice).

The Name’s Beard. Jayson Werth’s Beard

We decided to share with you our 2011 wish list last week and it was met with some appreciation and some skepticism. 6 of you voted that our wish list seemed perfectly reasonable while 2 naysayers felt that we were really delusional and therefore slightly terrifying. Okay, so maybe asking Chris Cornell to leave his wife for Serena was a little ridiculous, but would you really say that we’re “terrifying?”

We felt that it was time. Time to once and for all squash the furry mass that is known as Jayson Werth’s beard. The most recent photograph that we’d been able to find of Jayson was taken at his introduction to the Nationals press conference, which we present to you here.

Under no circumstances should you think that this “look” is okay. It’s a vast improvement than what he is capable of, but it’s certainly not okay.

Since he’s known for regularly committing offenses such as the beard appearing above, we felt that it was time to write a letter to Jayson. *WARNING* This letter has explicit content that may not appropriate for children under the age of 16.

Dear Jayson,
Skipping the pleasantries, let us start by saying that you are technically an attractive species of male. Unfortunately, you make awful, awful, decisions when comes to your grooming habits.

First off, why? Why must you allow your beard to take over your otherwise charming face? Since the Phillies lost to the Giants in the NLCS, it’s clearly been established that your beard does not have magical powers. Hogwarts does not reside in it. Even when you harness the growth of the aforementioned monstrosity, you sport the Chin Brazilian. This is perplexing. Do you realize that this strip makes your face look like a vagina? Is that the goal you had in mind? If so, then we retract our complaint because you’ve succeeded in your endeavor. Everyone should be applauded for accomplishing their goals.

Second of all, why? We just can’t figure you out. We want access to that region inside your brain that controls the decision making skills regarding razor use. We know that you own a razor because you went from looking like the missing link to a groomed vagina. Clearly you or someone you know took care of that situation and they most likely used a razor…though they might’ve begun the process with hedge clippers.

Listen. We’re not opposed to facial hair. Some of the world’s sexiest men currently have or have had some hot ass facial hair. Examples, you ask? Barry Zito is a borderline champion at sexy facial hair.

Brian Austin Green post-90210 in the Sarah Connor Chronicles. Don’t you just want to rub up against that?? Okay, maybe YOU don’t, but we bet your wife does.

Gerard Butler is not only an effective and inspirational Spartan king, but he is also as delicious as baklava! Don’t you want to be our Super Hero of the Week like him? Just conjuring his image in one’s head can make a girl’s legs open!

Why do you insist on being the kind of man that makes our thighs clench together? Don’t you want to be the new sex symbol of the MLB? Aren’t you tired of the Derek Jeters and David Wrights getting all of that bootay? We’re confident that you have it in you to overthrow their regime. Now…you may retort that you are happily married and that is extremely commendable because that will make you the only faithful husband in the MLB. But be honest. You still want that sex symbol status. We’ll have you know that no woman (or man) is going to do naughty things to your image with a grizzly bear sitting on your face!

Jayson, we’re just trying to help you because we care…especially now that you’re no longer a member of the Phillies. We’re not doing this to hurt your feelings. That’s the last thing we want to do because we care. We know that you’re capable of rocking the hot face scruff. We’ve seen it before (not very often admittedly) and it looks good. Why don’t you stick to that look?

We propose that if your beard should stray again that you allow us to shave your face free of charge (we will accept tips though)…just let us film it for the blog. Being that Serena is 28 and rapidly closing in on 29 and Lisa is 32, we’ve got plenty of experience in shaving our legs. Therefore, we’re pretty sure that we’ve got the hang of the whole razor and shaving cream thing. How different could shaving your face be from our legs? C’mon. We’ve got a larger surface area to take care of than you do. If you’re still uncertain, perhaps we can couple your face purging with Fred K’s Cancer somehow so that you feel that you’re giving back to the community and becoming sexy at the same time. What do you think? Let us know.

Hope to hear from you soon. Say hi to Ryan (Zimmerman) for us. Do try not to get lost in DC because one wrong turn and you can suddenly find yourself on the steps of a dilapidated shanty where an old man missing his teeth is selling crabs out of a tin garbage can.

Kiss noise,
Lisa & Serena
The Traveling Baseball Babes

We don’t have much in terms of baseball notes this week. It seems that baseball land is experiencing the quiet before the storm as players gear up to report for spring training. Vlad Guerrero and the Orioles have agreed to a 1 year/$8 million deal. We can’t foresee this hurting the Orioles as Vlad has always proven to be a pretty reliable offensive power and given his age, signing him for only a year definitely makes sense. Across the country, the Rangers secured Josh Hamilton for at least another 2 years with a $24 million contract.

Yankees pitching coach Larry Rothschild seems to be pretty confident in AJ Burnett. He claims that Burnett is healthy both mentally and physically heading into spring training. Oh, well thank goodness. However, we really didn’t think that he had been physically ailing when he drove almost every game he pitched into the dumpster. Keeping up the positive outlook here, Rothschild believes that Burnett is “coming in with the right intention in mind and that’s a good place to start.” Great. Wonderful. While we absolutely agree that a positive mental outlook is a major factor when it comes to success in athletics (or in any endeavor that you choose to participate in), the “right intention” only gets you so far. We have the best intentions most of the time and it doesn’t always guarantee that the sh*t won’t hit the fan. We’re sure that Burnett did not INTEND to blow so many ball games and therefore hike up his season ERA, but it happened nonetheless. Burnett reports to spring training on Monday and Rothschild’s goal is to work with Burnett on his mechanics to get him straight again. Please, please let Rothschild be some sort of miracle worker.

Michael Jackson’s going to bring it on home for us today: “Sometimes, you’re hairy. A hairy fright and someone’s got to shave you and the TBB are just right.”

The Wright Stache

Before Serena came down with Yellow Fever and left us with a BS blog of baseball notes, we had asked which of Scott Boras’ unemployed would you hire. 4 of you are actually willing to pay $1 for all three of the smelly jerk offs. We understand the draw of a good bargain, but do you understand that you’d have to deal with 3 a-holes, one of them resembling an ape and another one who refuses to bathe on a regular basis? For a $1, you might as well go to the Dollar Tree and buy a Snickers bar. It’d be a better investment. 5 of you voted for Andruw Jones, which honestly flabbergasts us to no end. Exactly what do you think you’ll get out of him? Did you pick him because the Yankees signed him? We assure you that we don’t understand the Yankees on this one either. 2 intelligent beings voted for none of them because they’re old hags. No one voted for Manny. Because he smells. And we’re pretty sure he has lice. No one voted for Johnny either, but he looks like he actually showers so…

You might be wondering what in the hell we were talking about when we referenced “The Wright Stache” a few weeks ago. The Wright Stache is a website that might surpass us in terms of insanity and ridiculousness…which of course means that it brings us utter joy. Basically the entire concept of this site is to get David Wright to grow a mustache because it will guarantee a Championship for the Mets because “the mustache has mojo.” Oh, yes. That is a direct quote from the website. We kid you not. They’ve even gone so far as to create a video to inspire the mustache phenomenon. It’s literally the most magical video we’ve ever seen. Literally. We do not exaggerate. It’s more magical than all of the Harry Potter films and books combined. Yes. THAT magical.

Thanks to The Wright Stache, we felt obligated to do a little research of our own. Do the creators of The Wright Stache have something here? Do mustached lips dominate the Championship pool? We went to Google for answers. First, we looked up the list of Championship baseball teams since 1975 (because we’re lazy and didn’t feel like going all the way back to the beginning). Then…we counted mustaches/beards and compared the total to the number of mustaches/beards of the losing team.

We know what you’re thinking. “Wow, you really looked up the team photos of the World Series opponents for the last 35 years??? That must’ve taken you forever!!” It did…which is why we stopped that strategy pretty quickly. Instead, we chose team photos randomly from each decade. Unfortunately, there were times when an actual team photo wasn’t feasible (turns out that Google Images ISN’T infallible after all) and we had to improvise.

We begin in 1977 with the New York Yankees who defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers literally and in mustache count. In the team photos, the champions showed 13 mustaches while the Dodgers only had 7.

On to the 1979 Pirates who defeated the Orioles with 20 friggin’ mustaches, making them the hairiest of this bunch and earning them TBB Super Hero of the Week. The Orioles only mustered 7.

The Phillies defeated the Royals in the 1980 World Series. Phillies’ facial hair count was 15. The Royals? Just 7.

We all remember the Bill Buckner debacle in 1986, but did anyone notice that in the Mets’ team photo of that year, there were 14 hairy faces? And only 4 for the losing Red Sox? Hmmm….

The Yankees came from behind to defeat the defending champs Braves in 1996. The reason? Come from behind playing and money pitching? Negative, our friends. It was probably the fact that the Yanks had 9 furries to the Braves’ 6.

In 2004, the Red Sox not only committed a hate crime against the Yankees in the ALCS, but they also blew the Cardinals out of the water in the facial hair competition. The results? 7-2.

In the photos we found for comparison of our most recent World Series contenders, the Giants and Rangers were tied with 5 furry faces each. How did we determine the winner? Brian Wilson has a Mohawk AND a beard. Clearly that trumps just having a beard. And before you bitch that the picture we used for the Giants isn’t a legitimate team photo, we’d like to point out that we used a photo in the same format for the Rangers. We couldn’t FIND proper team photos for them, okay??

It appears as though the results are conclusive. The Wright Stache definitely seems to have a brilliant and scientifically proven theory here. Naked lips apparently do NOT win championships.

Note: Our statistics might be slightly skewed as we were forced to count hair in several blurry old photos. It is entirely possible that on some occasions, we counted an upper lip shadow as a mustache (though we ASSURE you that this was not the case with the Pirates. They legitimately had 20 mustaches).

Baseball Notes:
The A’s have agreed to a 1 year/$1.4 million contract with the cute smarty pants, Craig Breslow, avoiding arbitration.

According to Brian Cashman, if Derek Jeter doesn’t last at short stop for his entire 4-year contract (or beyond?), he’d be best suited for centerfield. Jeter’s currently 36 years old, which puts him at 40 by the end of his contract. Short stop requires a lot of range and it’s understandable to plan for a decline in ability as Jeter ages. But centerfield? The outfield position that requires the most range? Does that make sense? Well, apparently Cashman likes his “corners” (infield and outfield) “to have power,” which is why he’d choose to shift Jeter to center as opposed to right or left. However, regardless of this kind of talk, Cashman assured us that “Jeter’s our shortstop, period.”

Rays’ outfielder Rocco Baldelli has retired and accepted a position with the team as a “special assistant.” Pardon us, but that title sounds a little dirty, dirty. Sorry…we’ll return to the story at hand. Baldelli has spent 6 of his 7 major league seasons with the Rays and in his new role he’ll be involved in scouting and player development. Baldelli had been diagnosed in 2008 with having a mitochondrial disorder which causes muscle fatigue. This condition combined with a variety of injuries caused him to miss all or parts of 4 seasons. In 519 career games played with Tampa Bay and Boston, Baldelli hit .278, 60 home runs, and 262 RBI’s.