Wet Verlander Hot, Beltran Not (Wet or Dry)

Welcome to the worst Championship Series in...well, a long time. We tried to remember the last Championship Series that we felt absolutely blasé about, but couldn't recall one. The Tigers advancing to face the Red Sox is the only excitement we've gotten thus far and it was mostly because MLB posted a photo of Justin Verlander soaked in champagne. Turns that Verlander is really sexy...wet (that's what she said!).

The progression of TBB team support went as follows:
Pirates over Dodgers/Braves over Cardinals/Rays over Red Sox/Tigers over A's.

The Braves and Rays dropped out of the running relatively quickly, which transferred our loyalty to Serena's Future Ex-Husbands. Now only one Future Ex-Husband remains standing and he is facing a team of Paul Bunyans. The entire lineup of the Boston Red Sox are living their lives with beavers resting peacefully upon their faces. Interpret the word, "beaver" as you will. You might view it as a metaphor for something or you might view it as a literal animal. Both work. Oh, also we're from New York and it's impossible to support any team hailing from the Boston area (trust us when we say that it's not like Boston would ever support our teams, so there).

We're not totally in love with the Dodgers (even though we love Don Mattingly) and while Yadier Molina is a real American fantasy baseball hero, we refuse to support the Cardinals for three LEGIT reasons:

1. The one Cardinals fan that gave us stink eye on the Busch Stadium Tour for being from New York.
2. We cannot live in a world where Carlos Beltran feels the joy of success and a World Series Championship.
3. It was incredibly hot in St. Louis when we went there, which meant we suffered from breast sweat. Which, in case you can't figure it out, is uncomfortable. Also, Serena's red tank top bled onto her white bra, which is now pink no matter how many times she's washed it. Bras are expensive.

The moral of today's story, kids, is that we want the Tigers to win the World Series.  More sexy champagne-drenched Verlander, please. The End.

Got No Guts, Got No Glory

To kick off the Championship series last week, we asked you to predict the outcome of the series. Who will be battling for MLB supremacy next week? 9 people voted, a surge in responses happening rather late, which makes us suspect that you waited to see how the first games would play out before deciding. Cheaters. Initially, readers favored a repeat of last year’s World Series, the first 2 votes going to the Yankees and Phillies. 1 lone reed went with a Rangers/Phillies series. However, as the Rangers and Giants repeatedly flashed their might, the voting tide changed. 4 people went with a Giants/Rangers World Series. 2 people think that the Yankees still have some spunk left in them and picked a Giants/Yankees series. We’d like to think that you’re right.

It’s not surprising that the Phillies had been the heavy favorite with their powerful offense and an intimidating pitching staff that includes Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels, and Brad Lidge. While the Giants aren’t sending a bunch of hacks to the mound, their offense does not flex the same muscle as the Phillies. That being said, the Bay Area Boys have proved that they will not go gently into that good night, just as Dylan Thomas once wrote. It is the Giants that have out-performed the Phillies this week, with the exception of a few defensive miscues last night in Game 5. Despite the loss, the Giants displayed character in that they continued to fight back against Roy Halladay, who’d injured his groin earlier in the game, pushing the score to 3-2. On several occasions, the Giants had men in scoring position and failed to produce. On Halladay basically pitching on one leg, Jayson Werth said, “he’s a man.” Well, Jayson, we’re thrilled to see that there’s at lease one man playing professional baseball these days. So, Roy? Super Hero of the Week goes to you for being a MAN. You rock that testosterone like a champ, Roy.

We’re sure you’re going to expect us to rant about the asinine behavior of the Yankees thus far and trust us. We want to. We knew these games would be tough (though Lisa strongly felt that the Yankees would have no problem dealing with the Rangers whereas Serena was not as confident), but the Yankees (with the exception of Games 1 and 5) seemed to have been content to roll over and get their tummies scratched instead of manning up and playing the game the way they’re meant to. Despite all of that BS, it’s AJ, we’d like to focus on. Dear, sweet, dinosaur-loving AJ. That friggin’ NTAC. What kind of man takes the heart you trustingly offer to him and flushes it down the toilet? WHAT KIND OF MAN, we ask you! He started the first 5 innings off fantastic and then BAM! 3-run home run. Game completely blown. Look of utter dejection on his face, which we’re becoming way too accustomed to seeing. Anger, resentment, disappointment reining in the Bronx. This is so typical of him! He’s always been great at foreplay and terrible at the main event. Now he gets absolutely no visitation rights for Winkie. He needs to go to pitching rehab before we can even consider allowing him to see Winkie again. It’s baffling behavior like this that makes us want to drink more.

At least both Championship series have set up a Game 6 (though technically, if the Yankees hadn’t been playing like such NTAC’s, the ALCS might not have gotten to this ridiculous nail-biting stage), do or die situations for the defending American League and National League champions. So far, the weekend matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (8:07 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (3:57 pm/FOX)
Game 7 (if necessary…and it BETTER BE)
Cliff Lee/Andy Pettitte (8:07 pm/TBS)

Sunday
Game 7 (if necessary…and it better NOT be! Giants need to clean house!)
Cole Hamels/Matt Cain (7:57 pm/FOX)

Joe Girardi has announced that CC Sabathia is available out of the bull pen, should Phil Hughes run into trouble tonight. An interesting, but understandable decision given how the bullpen has butchered the first two games played at Yankees Stadium. The concern lies in how utilizing Sabathia in this way could effect his performance in the World Series should it come to that. Granted, you have to first win the Championship series in order to get to the Fall Classic (learn to walk before you fly, if you will), but one still has to wonder.

Nick Swisher has been quoted as being fed up about the questions regarding Cliff Lee pitching Game 7. Even Josh Hamilton has briefly expressed frustration over questions of that nature. We don’t blame them. Game 6 has to be played first before a Game 7 thought can bubble to the surface. While Cliff Lee is indeed a formidable foe, one man isn’t going to win a baseball game (this isn’t tennis, ya know) and there isn’t a better man to go toe to toe with Lee in a Game 7 situation than Andy Pettitte. Love us some of that big Texan hunk of man. CC Sabathia might be the “Ace” of the Yankees’ staff, but Andy’s the Big Game man. Always has been.

The series has been split between being broadcast on TBS and FOX. We know that many of you are not from the Long Island area and have been able to enjoy both stations without any complications. Unfortunately, Cablevision customers on Long Island have had to deal with the greed of wealthy network executives and scramble to find ways to see their FOX sports and television shows like House, The Unit, and 24. Newscorp has pulled FOX and UPN9 (like anyone cares about that station) from the air like selfish a-holes while they unyieldingly negotiate an obscene contract with Cablevision. As a result, the New York Giants/Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings/Dallas Cowboys games on Sunday and many of the playoff games have not been aired on Cablevision televisions, forcing customers to either crash at non-Cablevision households or frequent sports bars. Cablevision customers have also been blocked from viewing these programs on the FOX website, which is complete garbage as that is a free service that FOX has provided to viewers. “Coincidentally,” both stations were pulled the day of the NLCS Game 1, forcing us to miss the fantastic Lincecum/Halladay duel. Serena had to watch Terminator Salvation instead. Not that she entirely minded it. Christian Bale and Sam Worthington? Yes, please. But that is not the point! It’s the principle of the matter. We’d been dreaming of a pitching duel like that all friggin’ season and those wealthy, stick-up-the-ass, a-holes denied us that privilege! Thankfully, Serena works with Tom, an amazing genius, who managed to find a website called channelsurfing.net that broadcast the Giants game and all of the MLB playoffs. Granted, watching sports on a laptop isn’t the sexiest, but it beats waiting for Gamecast to refresh with each play. Had it not been for Halladay’s ballsy pitching performance, Serena might have pushed for Tom being Super Hero of the Week.

Shocking that there’d be anything to talk about other than the playoffs, but we do happen to have a baseball note for you this week. Third baseman, Brandon Inge and the Tigers have agreed to a 2-year, $11 million contract with a team option for the 2013. The option year calls for a $6 million salary for a $500,000 buyout. This season, Inge had an American League-best 97.7 fielding percentage among third basemen and we all know how much Serena loves a good defenseman.

Taio Cruz closes us out with “we throw our hands up in the air sometimes, saying Yankees gotta let’s go. We wanna celebrate another year, saying Yankees, baby let’s go. Cause we gonna rock this club, we gonna go to Game 7, we gonna light it up like its dynamite.”

Things We Learned in France

Bonjour, fellow sports fans! We’re finally back in the bright Etats Unis and while we enjoyed ourselves abroad, we’re happy to be home. You’ve been without a blog from us for two straight weeks, so our poll specifically asked if you’d miss us while we were away. Somehow in two weeks, there were only 8 respondents, but we’ll let that one go. What we can’t let go is that 1 person actually voted, “Uh…how do I say this in the nicest way possible? No.” Do we even have to say what you are? Do we? Thankfully, 5 people genuinely like us and wait with bated breath for every Friday post. 2 people, in typical TBB fan fashion, agreed that they’d miss us, but only if we brought them back a beret. While we can appreciate the fact that you need to be bribed in order to miss us, you must insane if you think that we’re encouraging this behavior by buying you presents. Especially a 9 euro beret. That’s like $12 for a stupid-looking hat. A stupid-looking hat that we only saw tourists wearing in Paris. Get lost. We released a great sigh of relief at the fact that no one voted for us losing our passports because it would be “hilarious.” You know what? That wouldn’t be hilarious. That would be f-ed up and terrifying. Haven’t you seen Brokedown Palace? Granted, Kate Beckinsale and Claire Danes didn’t lose their passports, but they still ended up in a creepy foreign prison for an inordinate amount of time. Plus, we gotta be honest with you. We don’t know anyone who’d be willing to bail us out.  

       

So we missed almost all of the Division Series and you may think that we have nothing stimulating to tell you this week, but you’re wrong. We must say that we learned quite a lot while in France and we feel the need to impart this information on to you so that you can become more cultured and intelligent individuals. 

1.     Roy Halladay pitched a no hitter. Wow. You must be shocked that we’d been able to find this out while in France, a country notorious for hating everything American (turns out, this rumor is actually true), but we got this tid bit from the scrolling marquee of CNN. Major props to Roy in his playoff debut and to CNN for being the mother load of news and information.

2. Timmmmmmmmmmmy threw 14 strikeouts in the Giants 1-0 shutout of Derek Lowe and the Braves. How did we find this one out? At a very congested internet spot located in the lobby of our hotel in lovely Bayeux.

3. AJ Burnett did not make the ALDS pitching rotation. This was learned at an Internet Café in Rouen, in which we had to pay 2 euros for 20 minutes of internet surfing. We cheered (even though Auntiedukes admitted that AJ “had been her boy.” Ours too, Auntie. Ours too). The locals surrounding us were confused.

4. While they’d eventually succumb to the Rangers, it turned out that the Rays have a lot of fight in them (as if anyone had doubt), overcoming a 2 game deficit to force the series to Game 5.

5. You may be told before visiting Paris that the subway system is so easy that Manny Ramirez could figure it out. It’s true that the maps are very easy to read and understand, but the kiosks selling metro passes are NOT. For starters, Paris appears to be in the Stone Ages when it comes to kiosk technology. Majority of the kiosks are not touch screen. They LOOK like they’re touch screen, but we assure you that they’re not. Press the screen all you want. Nothing happens. We know this because Serena tried to use the “touch screen” repeatedly until an annoyed Parisian pushed her out of the way in order to demonstrate how to use the machine. In fact, not only are they not touch screen, they have a retarded, non-descript black wheel for scrolling through menus and the buttons are on the side of the screen. Paris, if you migrate to touch screens, you can do away with the stupid wheel AND buttons. Way more efficient. Think about it. Also, we’re not go into about why we feel this way, but the RER is asinine. Trust us. We know from experience.

6. When traveling on an evening Seine River Cruise, you might feel the urge to rub your girlfriend’s ass and then finger it, but you refrain because you’re in public and you’re scared that behavior like that is inappropriate. You’d be mistaken. Rest assured that this behavior is not only appropriate, it’s also encouraged. Take the couple we witnessed during our cruise. There was no shame or attempt to hide the fingering. Lingering was involved while we, instead of watching the beautifully lit scenery passing us by, gawked at the butt-play unfolding before us.

7. Auntiedukes is an awesome good time and full of clever quips that deserve quoting such as, “Would you say,” “Do I turn here? I think we do. I’m turning,” and “I know where we are. Marie Antoinette’s Estate (never mind the fact that the entire area was Marie Antoinette’s Estate).” You should really consider taking her on vacation with you. You’ll enjoy her.

8. Traffic circles. If you don’t know where to turn, the best course of action is to continue driving around the traffic circle until you can come to a decision. Choose poorly and you end up 45 minutes out of your way because there’s no easy way to turn around.

9. Traffic in Paris may be slightly worst than Los Angeles. We can’t commit to this because it would require more careful research, but based on what we’ve experienced while visiting Erin and The Favorite in Los Angeles and our journey from Mont St. Michel into Paris, we think that Paris takes the cake here. Going forward, whenever we’re sitting in rush hour and are about to drive our cars into a concrete divider out of frustration, we’ll recall our time in Paris and realize that it’s not so bad.

10. Don’t bitch about gas prices. It cost Auntiedukes 60 euros to fill up a car smaller than the Ford Focus. That’s approximately $80 to fill up a 15 gallon gas tank.

11. Parisians really are as rude as the stereotypes imply.

12. Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel were fired. Mama L. informed us of this when Lisa made one of her check-in phone calls to the parentals in order to notify them that we hadn’t seen any terrorists yet.

13. The French get pissed off when the government raises their retirement age from 60 to 62. Are you friggin’ kidding? Americans retire when they’re dead. Just one reason why France had to be bailed out in both World Wars. The French don’t work.

14. Lisa pronounces “Merci” like “Messy.”

15. The Yankees shockingly swept the Twins. We say shockingly because we really felt that the Twins would put up a fight. How did we learn this? Good ole’ CNN again.

The Championship series is upon us and since we’re back in this country, we’ll actually be able to watch the games! We hope that these games are just as good as the ones we tragically missed. So far the pitching matchups look to be as follows:

Friday
CJ Wilson/CC Sabathia (8 pm/TBS)

Saturday
Colby Lewis/Phil Hughes (4:00 pm/TBS)
Roy Halladay/Tim Lincecum (7:30 pm/FOX)

Sunday
Roy Oswalt/Jonathan Sanchez (8 pm/FOX)

Monday
Andy Pettitte/Cliff Lee (8 pm/TBS)

Tuesday
Matt Cain/Cole Hamels (4 pm/FOX)
AJ Burnett/Tommy Hunter (8 pm/TBS)

Wednesday
TBD/TBD (4 pm/TBS)
Madison Bumgarner/Joe Blanton (7:30 pm/FOX)

Neil Diamond closes us out with, “Got a dream that the Yankees will win. The Tbb is back in America. Got a dream we want to share. The TBB is back in America.”