PNC Park Tour

We booked the 12 pm guided tour of PNC Park for only $10/each the day before our game. From our hotel, we took the subway to the North Side station. The best part of this subway ride is that it was only 10-15 minutes and FREE! That's right. Free. It cost us $0. Best transportation to a stadium to date.

As we waited for our tour to begin, guess who exited the stadium, having just finished the morning tour? Cat Osterman. We spotted her over 6 ft tall frame from a mile away. Naturally, like total creepers, we followed her into the gift shop. Then around the gift shop until we got the balls to ask her for a photo. Notice how we fit into her nook:

After perfecting our celebrity stalking skills, we had to run back to the stadium entrance for our tour. It began at the bronze statue of Ralph Kiner's hands: 

From Ralph's hands, we headed to Legacy Square, which is a portion of the park dedicated to the historical significance of the Pittsburgh Crawfords and the Homestead Greys, two of the local ball clubs from baseball's negro leagues. 

PS - that's our tour guide. He was epic. And adorable. 

Satchel Paige:

Josh Gibson:

The Pirates' batting cages were pretty bad ass. For starters, the pitching machine can be set to emulate the starting pitcher of the opposing team so that players can prep for the game to come. Secondly, the first batter to arrive at the cages gets to pick the music. Soooooo, if Andrew McCutchen loves getting down to 98 Degrees and he gets into the cages nice and early before the rest of his teammates, they're all stuck being "True to Their Heart." Aesthetically, the green turf inside the batting cage is from Forbes Field, the stadium that originally played home to the Pirates and Steelers. 

Since the tour took place too close to game time, we were unable to visit the Pirates' clubhouse, therefore our next stop was the field. This is the view from the Pirates' dugout: 

We always seem to take more attractive photos in other teams' dugouts.

The media room had the best view of the ballpark and the city skyline. 

In fact, when we chatted with Cat, she mentioned that the media room was one of her favorite stops on the tour because of the view.

If you're into playing pool, you can check out Keystone Corner. It's located near sections 227 and 228. It's one of those rare clubs at a ballpark that's open to everyone. 

Roberto Clemente's autograph hanging in the club:

We left the park excited to see a game the following day. The setting seemed intimate, like every seat in the house would offer a good view of the field. The tour guide gave us a lot of suggestions for places to eat, which is our favorite part about visiting other ballparks. 

Stay tuned for our post regarding our experience watching an actual game at PNC...and sadness.

Wet Verlander Hot, Beltran Not (Wet or Dry)

Welcome to the worst Championship Series in...well, a long time. We tried to remember the last Championship Series that we felt absolutely blasé about, but couldn't recall one. The Tigers advancing to face the Red Sox is the only excitement we've gotten thus far and it was mostly because MLB posted a photo of Justin Verlander soaked in champagne. Turns that Verlander is really sexy...wet (that's what she said!).

The progression of TBB team support went as follows:
Pirates over Dodgers/Braves over Cardinals/Rays over Red Sox/Tigers over A's.

The Braves and Rays dropped out of the running relatively quickly, which transferred our loyalty to Serena's Future Ex-Husbands. Now only one Future Ex-Husband remains standing and he is facing a team of Paul Bunyans. The entire lineup of the Boston Red Sox are living their lives with beavers resting peacefully upon their faces. Interpret the word, "beaver" as you will. You might view it as a metaphor for something or you might view it as a literal animal. Both work. Oh, also we're from New York and it's impossible to support any team hailing from the Boston area (trust us when we say that it's not like Boston would ever support our teams, so there).

We're not totally in love with the Dodgers (even though we love Don Mattingly) and while Yadier Molina is a real American fantasy baseball hero, we refuse to support the Cardinals for three LEGIT reasons:

1. The one Cardinals fan that gave us stink eye on the Busch Stadium Tour for being from New York.
2. We cannot live in a world where Carlos Beltran feels the joy of success and a World Series Championship.
3. It was incredibly hot in St. Louis when we went there, which meant we suffered from breast sweat. Which, in case you can't figure it out, is uncomfortable. Also, Serena's red tank top bled onto her white bra, which is now pink no matter how many times she's washed it. Bras are expensive.

The moral of today's story, kids, is that we want the Tigers to win the World Series.  More sexy champagne-drenched Verlander, please. The End.

Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  

Isn’t it Ironic?

Okay, so we’re both saddened by our poll results and understanding of them. The most upsetting part about our poll results is the fact that only 5 people voted on it. What in the hell is happening here? We gave you what was basically the most major blog of the year and only 5 of you felt that it was worthy enough to give us your opinion. It is this lack of enthusiasm that runs rampant with you people that brings us to the only solution available and this is for Serena to ninja star you. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that she was a ninja? Well, she is. Her ninja name, which cannot be shared with the public for security purposes, basically translates to Shadow of Death and Booze. Scary stuff, huh? As for the 5 people who’ll not receive a ninja star to the skull, 3 of them would not give us a sharp object, let alone allow us to shave them. *sigh* While we understand this feeling of doubt and concern, we must admit that this assessment does hurt our feelings. A mere 2 souls felt that our seasoned experience as leg shavers certainly qualified us as face shavers.

Baseball officially kicked off this week when pitchers and catchers reported to spring training on Monday. AJ’s been trying to convince us to send Winkie down to Florida, but it’s not happening. AJ does not deserve our accommodating nature at this time. Maybe when he proves that he values our affection and loyalty, we’ll think about letting him spend more quality time with Winkie.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump said that Mets owners, Fred Wilpon called him to set up a meeting to discuss buying part of the team, but Trump is only interested in buying a majority share because as we all know, Trump likes calling the shots. Imagine it now: “Carlos [Beltran], you’re fired!”

Serena’s favorite Mariner will return to the franchise as a special consultant. While Ken Griffey Jr.’s role is still in the process of being defined, it’s been stated that he’ll be involved with the team during spring training and the regular season as well as visiting most of the team’s minor-league affiliates.

Apparently, CC Sabathia has discovered the world’s greatest diet plan, though we’re not sure that this diet is worth the sacrifice. Sabathia claims to have lost 30 pounds simply by cutting Cap’n Crunch from his diet. We feel strongly that the love for the Cap’n far outweighs a potential loss of 30 pounds. Nevertheless, we gave the diet a go because we’ve done little to train in the off season for our stadium tours thus far, so we need something to kick start our program. After one day, it was clear that Sabathia is utterly full of sh*t and his nutritionist should be fired. Lisa remained the same while Serena actually gained weight. Just like the diet dictated, she skipped her hearty bowl of Cap’n. Instead she ate 3 chicken soft tacos and a Meximelt. Clearly, she followed the diet rules to the letter.
 
“Isn’t it ironic, we didn’t lose weight? A little too ironic. And yes, we really do think. It’s like not losing weight for your wedding day. It’s the free ride when you’ve already made Lisa show a boob to get it. It’s like 10,000 buns when all you need is a hot dog. It’s like meeting Justin Morneau (Jeff Francoeur, Chris Cornell, Mike Jacobs) and then meeting his beautiful wife. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?”