Why New York Will Most Likely Be Golfing During the Postseason

We should acknowledge that we understand that the Yankees are still in the running for the Wild Card (so don't post any links to the comments section of this blog or to our Facebook page with "proof" that the Yankees are mathematically capable of achieving a playoff spot), whereas the Mets are definitely NOT going to the postseason...unless they're attending games as personal guests of the Atlanta Braves. That being said, we're going to tell you exactly what went wrong for the Yankees and Mets this year and why that's going to equal New York postseason failure.

Allow us to begin with the Mets:

• It all began with Johan Santana and quickly went downhill from there. There are currently 9 players on the Mets 40-man roster that are on the DL.
• Matt Harvey's final win-loss record before heading to the DL is 9-5 and he boats a 2.27 ERA. Truth be told, he should probably be more like 12-3, but his offense consists of a pack of duds.
• Pitching (except for Matt Harvey)
• This:

 Now for the Yankees:

• Like the Mets, the Yankees have been plagued by injuries. Most notably: Mark Teixeira, Curtis Granderson, and Derek Jeter.
• They're physically incapable of defeating the Red Sox. The Red Sox are the Yankees' kryptonite.
• The Trio of Death. AKA: The Victory Vacuum:

The real reason why the Yankees will not make it to the playoffs:

Now, before you call us crazy, hear us out. We have a theory. We've never had two of our teams be successful during the same season. You will, no doubt, argue several points with us:

• The 2000 Subway Series
• The 1986 World Series Championship Mets/80's dynasty of the Islanders
• The Rangers consistent postseason appearances
• Mets were last in the playoffs in 2006 whereas the Yankees also had a playoff appearance that year
• The Giants won the Superbowl in 2007 and 2011. While the Mets did not see the postseason those years, the Yankees did

Have we listed all of your arguments? Allow us to now tear them down and crap on them (faster than you can post a link to our blog/Facebook page in an attempt to prove us wrong).

1. The Subway Series: Someone had to lose this series. In this case, it was the Mets. Therefore, Lisa was unhappy. This directly supports our theory of two of our teams cannot be successful. During this same year, the Giants made a playoff appearance, but failed to accomplish anything exciting.
2. The 80's: Yes, both the Mets and Islanders were successful during this time period. In 1986, the Islanders even saw playoff action. Here's the problem with this one. Serena was 4 in 1986 and Lisa was 8. Serena's definition of a "championship" at this point in time was convincing her Mema to give her a Stella Doro cookie despite not having finished her milk because milk sucks. Lisa had not yet been introduced to the Islanders because a) Brother hadn't been born yet and b) she and Serena hadn't met yet. Therefore, this only equals to ONE of our teams being successful.
3. Rangers: We hate the Rangers, therefore their continual success is meaningless. To be frank, it actually infuriates us. Truth be told, they're a-holes.
4. Mets & Yankees being 2006 playoff contenders: The Yankees got bumped in the first round (pretty miserably in fact) and the Mets suffered from Carlos Beltran-itis.
5. The Giants' Superbowl wins: The Yankees' playoff performance during those years was abysmal. Therefore your argument is erroneous.

Why blame the Islanders for this season's mishaps? Simple. For the first time in eons, the Islanders showed great tenacity and made it to the playoffs. Granted, they lost to the Penguins in the first round, but not without giving those tool boxes a run for their money. Naturally, this explains why Eli Manning and the Giants have looked like total ass clowns so far this season and why the Mets and Yankees have limped toward October.

Trust us, we want more than anything for this theory not to be true, but it just can't be so. It's like when really attractive individuals have zero sense of humor/personality. It's proof that whatever higher being you believe in does not want anyone to have everything. For example, Michael Bolton had a successful music career despite a mullet and a face only a mother could love. "Talented," yet unpleasant to the eye. Can't have everything.

A Whole Lot of Sh*t Without Really Saying Anything

Based on the results of our poll, you people are a pack of sickos. We truly don’t even know what to say to you at this point. We asked what you thought Operation Hot Brother was all about and 3 of you actually felt that Lisa was in love with Brother. Are you insane? He’s but a child! He’s like a younger brother to Lisa! That’s almost incest. You people are just gross. 1 person thought we had to rescue Brother from a fire-breathing dragon, which is very noble of you to assume, but if we’re being completely honest here, Serena would probably try to adopt the dragon as a pet whereas Lisa would run away screaming. Note how there’s not much saving involved in either of those scenarios. 2 of you claimed that there was no Brother and this was just another stupid thing that the two of us have concocted. We’ll have you know that there IS a Brother! He’s listed in our TBB lingo page for f*ck’s sakes! Pay attention! Lastly, 2 people chose “you were searching long and hard for Dial hand soap.” This, our stupid friends, is the correct answer. Liquid Dial hand soap is an endangered species these days despite it being an American institution in the soap community. We had to visit 4 stores in order to find it.

The playoffs are just around the corner and we’re obviously a bit too late to talk about our playoff picks because teams have already starting clinching spots. However, we already knew that the Phillies were clinching the NL East. C’mon. We knew this in February when they decided to form a “historical pitching staff” (yes, we’re still making fun of Cliff Lee for that…in fact, we’ll probably keep making fun of him for this even after he retires). Tigers’ also clinched a playoff berth. At this stage, we feel pretty strongly that the teams currently sitting in the division lead spots are going to stay there (Yankees, Rangers, Brewers, and Diamondbacks).

It’s the Wild Card races that are going to be interesting. As previously stated, the Rays are making it EXTREMELY exciting in the American League. The Red Sox are currently leading the race by 3 games, but there’s a real possibility that the Rays can take it. The Rays have games against the Yankees (who they seem to beat all the time) and the Blue Jays to end the season, whereas the Red Sox are playing the Orioles and the Yankees. The Orioles are terrible and the Red Sox have enjoyed beating the Yankees with a wet towel this year. Okay, you know what? We take it back. In reviewing the schedule, there’s an excellent chance that the Yankees will royally screw this whole thing up and not even make it to the playoffs. If both the Red Sox and Yankees advance, win the Division Series, and end up facing each other in the Championship Series, the Red Sox are going to the World Series. Whoopidee doo! On the National League side, the Braves have a 4.5 game lead over the Cardinals. We just don’t foresee this changing.

Baseball Notes:

Because of September 11^th, Major League Baseball moved the Mets/Nationals matchup up to the Sunday Night Baseball spot on ESPN. The players asked if they could wear FDNY and NYPD baseball hats to honor the first responders. The MLB declined this request claiming, “it was not part of league policy.” They were only allowed to wear the hats during batting practice. Sorry, but we just don’t buy it. This was pure corporate greed at its finest stepping in. It’s pretty clear that the only reason that the FDNY and NYPD hats weren’t allowed is that the hats are not issued by the MLB like the special edition hats that the players wear on Memorial Day and 4^th of July (which the MLB has the audacity to charge the public $40/hat for), meaning that the MLB wouldn’t make a dime if the public suddenly felt inspired to purchase a FDNY or NYPD hat for themselves. Who wants to make a bet that next year the MLB releases special edition September 11^th hats that the players WILL be allowed to wear and that we’ll get charged our first born child to buy them? If we’re wrong, Lisa will root for the Phillies and Serena will root for the Red Sox for the remainder of the 2012 season. We’ll post a photo of us wearing Phillies and Red Sox hats as proof. We won’t be happy about it, but we’ll do it.

Tuesday night was a very happening night in baseball land. Mariano Rivera recorded his 600^th career save. While we can admit that this historical moment is important, guess what we chose to direct our intention on instead? Star Wars was released on BluRay this week, which probably gave you techno-geeks a hard on. To celebrate the phenomenon, MLB is offering Star Wars night at select stadiums. Tuesday was Star Wars night at Citi Field. Serena’s life clearly has no meaning anymore because she was unable to attend. This is what she missed:

F*cking storm troopers, wookies, and f*cking Darth Vadar. What is the point in living when you miss something this glorious? This obviously would’ve been the best night of her entire adult life. Could you imagine the pictures we would’ve posted to our blog from this f*cking event? F*cking amazing.

Yesterday, Rivera recorded his 601^st save, bringing him one step closer to tying Trevor Hoffman’s all-time save record. This still doesn’t dull the pain of missing Star Wars night.

Joe Mauer is officially out for the season with pneumonia and as a result, basically screwed Tigers Love Peppers in the a-hole, so thanks for that. Does he have the weakest immune system ever? How the hell does someone just “get” pneumonia?

PS – the Jennifer Lopez Fiat commercial is extremely annoying. It certainly does not make us want to jump out of the sunroof of our Fiat that looks just like a Minicooper and dance with our papi.