Cooperstown Strikes Back & May The Fort Be With You

Since our retirement from baseball stadium touring, we've decided to visit forts. We are now the Traveling Fabulous Fort...Folks. As you know, we previously traveled to the Alamo, so Fort Ticonderoga being our second fort pretty much makes us fort experts now. 

Fort Ticonderoga is close to 5 hours north of us. In other countries, if you drive 5 hours north, you'd probably hit another country. Here, you're still in New York. Unfortunately, the circumstances of the current pandemic basically ensures that crossing state borders ends up being more of a pain in the a$$ than it's worth, so this summer's travel plans had to be relegated to the great state of New York.

It would probably be odd if all we did today was post about forts...or would it?

Just kidding. We did actually do some baseball related activities this year against all odds. From Fort Ticonderoga is 3 hours from Cooperstown, but it took us close to 4 hours because the GPS led us up the hill and back down like the Grand Old Duke of York on a single lane road. We felt that the Hall of Fame was due a second trip, because of Mike Mussina's and Mariano Rivera's recent inductions. 

Due to COVID-19 protocols, this visit was definitely different. For starters, we had to reserve a time slot for our visit. We had to wear a mask while inside the building as well as on the streets of town. Everyone was given styluses at the entrance in order to utilize the touch screens at certain exhibits and markers were on the floor and in sitting areas to designate social distancing. Despite the restrictions, it was actually quite peaceful and enjoyable. We never felt that we couldn't get to an exhibit due to crowds. 

In addition to our stylus, the man at the front desk assessed gave us a team-specific scavenger hunt based on our clothing. This plays right into our wheelhouse because then the Hall of Fame suddenly became a competition for us. A competition that we'd win at all costs. Even if it meant knocking a small child over to do so. 

We will now share with you the results of the scavenger hunt that we won fair and square, but was not given a prize for at the end. In fact, we aren't even sure that we were congratulated on the victory. 

First up for the Yankees is Lou Gehrig's locker and for the Mets is Pedro Martinez's 3,000th K jersey.

Second is Joe Dimaggio's retired #5 jersey and Tom Seaver's 19-strikeout game baseball cap.

Third is Mariano Rivera's World Series cap and Dwight Gooden's rookie jersey.

Fourth is Babe Ruth's Home Run Record Crown and Tommie Agee World Series glove.

Fifth is Yogi Berra's perfect game mitt and Ray Knight's 1986 World Series helmet. 

Sixth is Aaron Boone's ALCS home run bat and Johan Santana's first no-hitter ball.

Seventh is Mickey Mantle's rare 1952 Topps card and David Wright's final game helmet. 

Eighth is Aaron Judge's 44th home run (of his rookie season) jersey and Pete Alonso's rookie batting gloves.

Ninth is Derek Jeter's World Series jersey and Casey Stengel's retired number. 

The real reason of visiting the Hall of Fame has nothing to do with the scavenger hunt, but that was a bonus. The real reason was not to celebrate Derek Jeter's induction (even though there's an entire display for him). If you don't know how Serena feels about Derek Jeter by this stage of our blog, we don't know what you've been reading. 

The real reason was to visit the plaques of these two men:

Before you assume that Serena's animosity prevented from taking a photo of Derek Jeter's plaque, we'd like to inform you that there was no plaque due to COVID-19. There was a sign that said so and everything. 

Sidebar: these two signs hung in strategic locations made us laugh. 

You're welcome. 

Class Has Been Replaced with A$$

Before we get into the meat of today's blog, we're going to cover something that's been irking us for awhile now. Don't take this the wrong way, but this is coming...how do we say this nicely? This is a direct result of YOU and your online feedback/commentary. What we're going to say encompasses this blog forum, the comments section, any social media platform we are on, and any social media platforms that we may be on in the future.

1. Do not correct our spelling or grammar. Ever again. For starters, in this day and age, most of everyone's social media activity is performed via portable internet machines. Portable internet machines are without physical buttons and the keyboards that do exist are itty bitty and extremely sensitive (or in some cases, extremely insensitive and you find yourself hammering away at the letter "a" button to no avail and suddenly, you've posted, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" to the Shark Week Facebook page and you feel like a giant a-hole). For example, you may have high-fived Amani Toomer and/or got on line to tour the New York Giants' locker room during a 5K at MetLife Stadium and were so excited about these two things that you wanted to post a Facebook status about it. Unfortunately, in your "smart" phone's infinite wisdom, it posted, "I just high-fived Armani Too met and we're about to tour the liquor room at Negligence Stadium!" (Yes. This actually happened.) This is also how you might've typed, "Michael Bolton has a mullet" and ended up with "Michael Bolton has a Bolton." Furthermore, in many cases, we are trying to respond to everyone in a timely manner. In our rush to reply during our busy work days, we often fail to review every little word, comma, ellipses, etc. before posting. As a result, sometimes there are errors. Are you trying to tell us that when you type something, everything is perfect? You've spelled everything perfectly? You've never made a mistake? Next time we see someone write,  "ur" on our Facebook page, Serena is going to go ballistic on you. It's "your" or "you're." How are you going to feel about yourself when she rips you a new a-hole on that subject on a public online forum? Probably like crap. So just shut up already. If you don't want us to ride your asses regarding the English language, don't ride ours. We don't get paid to do this.
2. When correcting someone's grammar or spelling, maybe you should know what you're talking about first. Don't make fun of the construction of a sentence when there's actually nothing wrong with it because you a) look like an idiot and b) you've pissed off Serena and she's sent a "WTF" email to Lisa at work. Now we're not getting any work done.
3. Don't assume Lisa or Serena wrote a specific status or "twat." You may have a really, really good idea as to who wrote it. The odds may be 99.9% in your favor. There's still that .1% chance that you're wrong and that's probably when you're going to post the wrong thing to our page. See a) and b) from #2 for what happens then.
4. Yankee Stadium. If one more a$$ clown says, "It's YANKEE Stadium, not Yankees," dick punching will ensue. Yes, it IS Yankee Stadium, just like it's Dodger Stadium. It's not our fault that the MLB is stupid. Does only one Yankee or one Dodger play at this stadium? Or multiple? Really, technically the stadiums should be referred to as Yankees' Stadium and Dodgers' Stadium, but we're not going to crazy here. Adding an apostrophe to a sign is probably difficult...or something, so we'll let that go.
5. Like every goddamn picture we post on Instagram. What the hell is the matter with you? Our self-esteem relies heavily on the number of "hearts" to our Instagram posts. When you don't like our shit, we drink. Which then leads to more misspellings and junk on social media.
6. Don't blindly post things to our Facebook wall. It's not that we don't enjoy interacting with you, it's just that when you post random crap, we don't understand what you're trying to communicate, so we ignore it. Just throw a little note/caption there to let us know what you're trying to convey for pete's sakes!
7. Stop asking about Alex Rodriguez. We've heard enough about it and we don't want to discuss it. It's like your father and your menstrual cycle. He knows it exists, but he doesn't want to talk about it. Mention the word "tampon" and he runs in the other direction. It's our blog and we'll talk about what we want whether its facial hair, Italian sausages, Polish sausages, being roofied, or on occasion, a baseball game.
8. Be more like our Twatter follower, Michael David. He appreciates us for who we are and doesn't want to change us or force us to talk about the giant elephant in the room that is Alex Rodriguez.  

The only way we will forgive your heinous behavior is if you prostitute our social media out to your friends. Why do we still only have 178 Facebook fans? If this continues, we're never going to make it to our goal of 200 fans before New Year's.

Ignoring the fact that the New York Giants are complete and total ass clowns, we will now proceed with a somewhat proper blog post. As we come to an end of the 2013 regular season, we say goodbye to two of the Yankees' "classics" - Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte. Last night, we watched Andy's final game (a complete one, mind you) at a friend's house. Serena cried and then suppressed her depression with a s'more. It was terrible and pathetic. However, in the midst of this fat sadness arose a moderately intelligent conversation regarding classiness and baseball.

Pettitte's and Rivera's retirement at the end of the season makes us sad for several reasons. First and foremost, we're officially old. You may not have known this by the way we behave, but we actually have 401k plans and one foot in the grave.

Secondly, how many players stay with 1-2 franchises for their entire career? How many players play the game with respect, professionalism, and class? The game as become saturated with scandals, shenanigans, high-priced salaries, ridiculous contracts, and rapper sports agents. Even the young players coming into the game now have a sense of entitlement. Bryce Harper, for example, displays a disgusting level of arrogance for one who is only in his second season in the league and hasn't grown pubic hair yet.

As the players of our youth slowly begin to retire, the game itself changes. It has become flashier and not in a good way. The media care more about who the players are dating than what's happening on the field. Players want to stay with teams for 10 year contracts not out of loyalty, but because of a guaranteed inflated salary. Players focus their offseason on filming as many commercials as possible and promoting endorsements rather than focus on enhancing their talents. Additionally, players don't seem to care about the impression they're leaving on their fan base. Modesty and gratitude are rare traits as opposed to being the norm. The game itself is no longer a priority. Money is.

Was Chipper Jones a d*ck? Yes. Anyone who names their kid after the stadium in which he hit most of his career home runs is a d*ck. However, no one can ever doubt that he was a "Brave." No one can ever say that he took the game for granted. You never saw Chipper Jones standing in the batter's box admiring his home run as it sailed over the wall before starting his home run trot. He hit the ball. He ran. Even as he aged and his body began to fail him, he continued to play third to the best of his ability. Off the field, you didn't hear about him getting involved in bullsh*t. He showed up to work, did his job, and went home. Even when he was on the DL, Chipper Jones was still a leader to his teammates. The same can be said for Ken Griffey Jr., who got the sh*tty end of the stick in terms of injuries. Fans, MLB-wide, felt something when Jr. retired - sad, wistful, whatever. Something deeper than surface level. Some may have even shed a tear. No one is going to mourn the retirement of Dustin Pedroia, Ryan Braun, Barry Zito, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran, Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, or Miguel Cabrera except their local fan base. The fact is that they just don't deserve that kind of recognition or love. Zito, Rodriguez, Beltran, Pujols, Reyes, and Cabrera were all motivated by money. Pedroia and Braun do not have the class or leadership that Ken Griffey or Chipper once displayed. They haven't left impression on the sport. Braun is now flat out tainted. He once had the potential, but that's gone. Him doing steroids isn't half as bad as the lying and the bullsh*t that went with it. If he had just been a man about it and said, "you know what? I f*cked up and I'm sorry," he'd still have some semblance of respect.

It's an end of an era. It's the death of the game as we know it. The fact is no one is going to replace these legends that are retiring. They can only hope to half-fill the shoes that were left behind. Where once upon a time, Joe DiMaggio was replaced by Mickey Mantle, we now have douchebags stepping into the positions that were once held by legends. We're not saying that Bernie Williams is Mickey Mantle, but he was a classy guy that played with heart. He played the game right. Most importantly, he was a "Yankee." Look at the jack wagons that have come in his stead. Johnny Damon? REALLY? Are you out of your goddamn mind?? The first centerfielder that has been an acceptable replacement to Bernie's legacy is Curtis Granderson. That's a long time coming. As much we love Brett Gardner, his production is nowhere near the level of Bernie's. It's like replacing Darth Vader with Cap'n Crunch.

So we bid Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte a fond farewell and wait patiently to see what a-holes will replace them.

Why Your "At Bat" Music Sucks Balls

Before we get into the crux of today's blog post, we have a little house keeping for you. We finally have airfare to St. Louis. Holy smokes, sports fans, it's true! We officially have travel arrangements for our stadium tour that's been planned for close to 6 months. Nothing like waiting til' the last minute. Huzzah!

Serena will be traveling up to Boston this weekend to visit Erin and they'll be checking out a game at Fenway (and mayyyyybe a stadium tour, if we can). You'll get a blog post on it, but not until next week. Lisa will decide whether or not you're worthy of a solo blog from her on Sunday, so if you want one, don't piss her off between now and then. Also, it would help if you buttered her up. Just sayin'.

So now for tonight's topic. Have you ever been to a game and noticed that your favorite players have terrible taste in music? Why doesn't someone quality control that shit? If we were in charge of DJ-ing duties at Yankees Stadium or Citi Field, some of that garbage would simply not fly. For example, Brett Gardiner and John Buck have god awful taste in music. It's truly terrible. In fact, at our last Mets game, Serena made a comment about stabbing a screwdriver through her eardrum rather than listen to it. Even TOWSNBN has made poor choices in this arena (and also in his personal life, but we're not going to go there right now). The man comes to the plate to The Luniz's "I Got 5 On It," which is basically about smoking weed. We're willing to ignore the fact that TOWSNBN has obviously embraced smoking weed, but we're not willing to ignore the fact that he's white. When you are as caucasian as TOWSNBN, you should stop pretending that you're a "gangsta" and admit that you listen to AC/DC, Kid Rock...or Dido. Therefore, to combat this never ending issue, we've decided to offer better alternatives to what these idiots think is quality "pump me up" music.

When choosing your "at bat" music, you want to choose a song that not only pumps you up, but us up as well. Because we're selfish. We want to cheer you on and spit foul things at the opposing team on your behalf. When you step up to the plate, listening to The Bieber, it makes us question your sexuality. It does not make us think, "KICK HIS ASS, C-BASS!" Please do not defend these poor decisions with "oh, but I have young girly fans" or "oh, but I have a 5 on my jersey." For starters, you're a child molester if that's your mentality and secondly, just stop. If every player came to the plate to music featuring his jersey number, we'd end up listening to a crap-ton of Sesame Street songs. Also, if you've been coming to the plate to same F*CKING song for the last 4 years, you need to change it up. We're now bored with you. We don't care if your song is super awesome. Stop being a boring lame ass. If you're from New York, you'll no longer be coming to the plate to Jay-Z and/or Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Enough already. We've had enough. Note: if we cannot understand the lyrics to your "at bat" song, we cannot get motivated to support you. We're not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but we DO want to point out that we were super excited about disposing of Carlos Beltran and his music catalogue and now we have Ruben Tejada. Interpret that as you will.

Here are examples of acceptable songs to saunter up to the plate to:

• Anything by AC/DC is encouraged. Everyone (or at least 98% of the human population) knows their songs and they're bad ass.
• You can come out to rap music (not you, TOWSNBN, YOU need to stick to a different genre), but it's gotta be a good song! Puff Daddy's "Come with Me," in which he musically raped Led Zeppelin fans everywhere, is NOT acceptable. If you want to rock out to the instrumental hook of that song, just go with the original (aka: "Kashmir"). Why not Eminem's "Til' I Collapse," Tupac's "California Love," Kanye West's "Ni**as in Paris," Biggie's "Hypnotize," or Dr. Dre's "Next Episode?"
• Aerosmith - "Rag Doll" or "Love in an Elevator"
• Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle." If this song doesn't get a person pumped, they're a corpse.
• Metallica's "Sad But True"
• Beastie Boys' "Brass Monkey," "Sabotage," or "So What'cha Want"
• Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"
• Incubus' "Nice to Know You"
• Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness"
• Ram Jam's "Black Betty"
• Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name"
• Trapt's "Headstrong"
• House of Pain's "Jump Around"
• Finally, if you can't make a decision, your best bet is to just go with a movie theme. Try the Top Gun anthem, Rocky Balboa anthem, the James Bonds theme (let's face it, he gets more ass than a proctologist, so you're safe with him), Batman, The Imperial March, or The A-Team. Just a few examples.

This week's baseball notes:
The Yankees have put Serena's Big Texan on the 15-day DL with a strained left trapezius muscle. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of your body, that muscle is located in your upper back area. While we suppose that you can strain or pull or tear or whatever ANY muscle in your body, how the hell do you strain the trap muscles? We've never heard of such a thing. We can't even imagine how you go about straining those particular muscles. The man was not practicing advanced yoga asanas on the mound when he sustained this injury, so what the hell? The Big Texan is the 13th player the Yankees have placed on the DL this year. This has prompted a slew of crap about how the Yankees so-called "magic" is going to hold up. Listen here, a-holes. The Yankees do not have "magic." If Harry Potter was currently on the active roster, trust us when we say that we'd already have those jerseys. How do you NOT buy that jersey? You know he's going to be unhittable and an epic offensive player (Yeah, that's right. On his off days, he'd patrol the outfield on his broom and hit massive home runs). He defeated Voldemort for crissakes! Clearly, he can defeat the Boston Red Sox.

Zack Greinke made his first return to MLB action since being activated from the DL on Wednesday night against the Nationals. He threw 5 1/3 innings of 1-run ball over 83 pitches. He even got himself an RBI single. Lookie loo.

There's apparently an internet campaign brewing to give Mariano Rivera the honor of starting his last All Star Game (which is weird), but he politely declined, saying his prefer to close. He's quoted as saying, "It would mess everything up. It would be the first time I've started, I think, since 1995. I don't think it would be right. I'd rather close the game than start the game."

Dear TOWSNBN

Last week, we asked if you would find us annoying if you ended up stuck in seats next to us at a sporting event. Surprisingly, 8 of you said, "No, you're hilarious." WE know we're hilarious, but we were starting to doubt your sense of humor. Since no one voted for the negative options, there's no need for us to cover them. It's become quite obvious that you're falling in love with us and that you're becoming stalkers. Are we going to need to take a break? We don't like feeling suffocated.

Onto today's topic, which you HAD to have known was coming sooner or later. On Friday, The New York Times reported that the Mets and TOWSNBN finally agreed to a monster deal that guarantees the thirdbase will be playing in Flushing through 2020. The 8-year deal is worth $138 million, pending the results of a physical. Now that this has been settled, it's time for us (or rather, Lisa) to revisit our past volatile relationship with TOWSNBN (volatile in the sense that he either runs away or ignores us and we get extremely volatile). We will make one last effort to make ammends with the man that refuses to penetrate Lisa.

Dear TOWSNBN,
It's been awhile since we last talked...we're not counting the hate blogs that we've posted about you because you've refused to acknowledge their existence. With your fresh, new contract, we felt that it was time for our relationship to have a fresh, new start as well. Especially since we're now stuck with you for 8 long years. Let's forget about the arguments and problems we've had. In order to forgive and forget, we'll have to rehash them briefly here so that we can bury them once and for all.

• You blew us off at FAO Schwartz. We don't know why. Everyone loves toy stores.
• You never confirmed our rescheduled January date with us because you decided to be an a-hole.
• You ignored us in Philly even after Lisa tried to flash her boobs at you, which made Serena question your sexuality. And as Philly fans pelted us with hatred for supporting you and your Mets, you looked on without any sort of concern. What kind of boyfriend does that make you?
• Lisa has repeatedly requested a photo opportunity with you and not only have you blatantly ignored these requests, but you've also mocked her by taking pictures with every stupid kid that comes your way. So selfish.
• On Lisa's birthday, you purposefully told the waiter at McFadden's to screw up our order so that we'd miss Mets batting practice and a chance at her being on the field with you. Not only was that a rude, heartless prank to play on the birthday girl, but it delayed Serena's feeding time, which royally pissed her off. You're lucky that Serena HADN'T been on the field with you by that point because she would've given you a d*ck punch. Again, so selfish.
• You've continued to blackball us from other MLB players. We know that it's statisically impossible for ALL of them to be scared of us. You HAVE to be whispering venomous thoughts in their ears. If you don't want Lisa, you should let her meet someone else. Don't be such a tool box. You've singlehandedly prevented her from banging Joey Votto, Cole Haan, Mike Jacobs, Huston Street and Jeff Francoeur. Despite the fact that Serena doesn't want your a$$, you've decided to punish her as well! You're the one who told Barry Zito to grow that stupid moustache, weren't you?! And that comb-over has your manipulative ways written all over it! Next, you'll be poisoning Justin Verlander and Aaron Rogers against her. You have no soul.

Anyway, that's all behind us now. Out with the old and in with the new as they say. Let's move forward, shall we? Your birthday is coming up, isn't it? It's the big 3-0. You're finally playing on our turf now. We should celebrate together to really cement our fresh start. We'll be like the Febreeze brothers, we're so fresh. We're heading up to Foxwoods on the 20th. You should join us for some classy dress, drunken antics, cigars, really awesome shower stalls, and Blackjack. Just think of how much fun you'll have sitting at a table with us. We're even willing to join you in the high roller room as long as you let us gamble with your money.

Afterwards, we can boogie down at one of the casino's many clubs. Of course, since we'll be rolling with you, we'll be riding VIP style. Jameson and Patron shots all around! On your dime, naturally. We suspect that Serena will probably have to show you how to drink because she's a professional and you strike us as being sort of a...what's the word we're looking for? Lightweight b*tch. Don't worry. We all start off as amateurs. When you train with a professional like Serena, you can become the best. Lisa will teach you how to guido fist pump since you are very caucasian and probably do not know how to do much more than one, two step. When she's done with you, you'll be able to "get low, get low, to the window, to the wall, to the sweat drips down my balls, to all the b*tches crawl." Your parents are going to be so proud of you.

Prepare to be our best friends. You're never going to want to leave us. Soon, you'll be planning this as an annual trip that we take together. You'll want us to go on the road with you, which we won't because we need space and if you start acting too needy, we'll need to break up. Then it'll be awkward for us to go to Mets games.

Please email us at travelingbaseballbabes@gmail.com to finalize our Foxwoods details as quickly as possible. We need to discuss who is driving and who is bringing what alcoholic beverage. Plus, we need to discuss outfits because for photos, we need to wear different colors. We can't stress enough how weird it is when everyone in the photo is wearing bright teal.

If we do not hear from you, prepare for the worst 8 years of your life. You will beg to be traded to the Toronto Blue Jays, an entirely different country, just to get away from the pain that we will cause you. Just think of the constant stress of never knowing where we'll be, ready to pounce and give you the worst wedgie you've ever experienced. Can you handle that for 8 years? We think not. Do the (w)right thing (ehhhh? Ehhhhh? Get it?). Be our friend/Lisa's boyfriend or husband or penetration partner.

Gracefully Yours,
The Greatest Women You'll Ever Know
(The Traveling Baseball Babes)

This week's baseball notes are all about New York. The Yankees have signed a pair of old timers for one year each. The Big Texan (Andy Pettitte) agreed to a deal worth $12 million and Mariano Rivera's deal is worth $10 million. Rivera is returning to the scene after missing most of 2012 with a knee injury.

A few random blog sources that we've found have mentioned the possibility of TOWSNBN wearing a "C" on his jersey and we hope that's not true because Serena has already threatened to give him a d*ck punch for being an idiot if he does that and that will put a damper on Lisa's hopes of raising a family with him. It's okay to be a captain for your team. It's NOT okay for you to embroider a "C" on your jersey unless you play hockey. You look an a-hole and when you look like an a-hole, it reflects poorly on the half of the TBB that loves you.

PS- We are NOT posting birthdays to our blog, so stop making these ludicrous requests. We will celebrate the birthdays of select Yankees and Mets players that make us happy and certain non-New York players that we either want to bang or befriend. If a player does not fall into any of those categories, they are sh*t out luck.

Italian Sausage

Last week, Serena was solo (hence, the word “vagina” being used twice without any sort of quality control). MLB had begun its campaign for the All Star Game already, so Serena asked how you guys voted. 5 people said that they sit with the ballot and carefully think about each option before selecting the player they deem most appropriate. 2 individuals said that the use The Force. No one said that they pick the most popular players (in fact, they don’t know why that they’re not allowed to still vote for Ken Griffrey Jr.) and no one didn’t understand question and wouldn’t respond.
  

You might be wondering about what today’s blog theme is about. Italian sausage? Really? Are they talking about food AGAIN. Well…sort of. While watching last night’s Yankees game against the Royals, Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate. Here’s how our conversation went:

Lisa: Wow, he’s got some big thighs.

Serena (smacking her own chunk-tastic thighs): The curse of third base.

(Rodriguez adjusts his man-junk area)
Lisa: And apparently so is his junk.
Serena: Ya know, he looks like he’s huge.
Lisa: Yeah. He looks like he’s hung.

This got us thinking…who ELSE looks like he’s packing heat? In defense of this topic, they do have lists of baseball’shottest girlfriends/wives. Why can we cover…sausages? Disclaimer: we should note that we’ve never seen ANY of these private male parts that we’re discussing. This is strictly opinion.

For example, we’re pretty sure that Albert Pujols has a baby’s arm in his pants. In fact, to quote Lisa, “he probably has to roll it up in order to tuck it into his cup.” Wish we took video of this demonstration. At one point, she flung “it” over her shoulder and wrapped it around her leg. We’d go so far as to assume that Pujols is the biggest in the league. Hall of Fame worthy. We’re also confident that Brian Wilson is hung, BUT he has his beard in his pants, which is a serious problem. It’s like a thick, wooded area without civilization that will take you at least 45 minutes to find your way out of. Truly terrifying. The only way it could get scarier is if it was red. Other men that we’ve decided are well-endowed are Joe Mauer, Ryan Howard, CC Sabathia (he looks like a f*cking grizzly bear), Mike Jacobs (even though he’s no longer playing), Brian McCann, Tim Hudson, Matt Holliday, and unfortunately, Carlos Beltran. This might be the only thing that Beltran has going for him because his personality sucks and so does mole. Oh, yes, AND his taste in music.

We briefly discussed one of New York’s Golden Boys (TOWSNBN).
Lisa: I don’t think he’s long, but…
Serena: I think he’s stocky…
Lisa: YES!
Serena: Like his body…
Lisa: EXACTLY!
To clarify, stocky=girthy.

Now for the boys we think have more of a string bean in their pants than a sausage. We’re thinking that New York’s OTHER Golden Boy, Derek Jeter, has a long, but thin noodle…just based on his body. A long, lean noodle. Unfortunately, we think that our honorary TBB, Tim Lincecum, might be small as well. He just looks like he physically couldn’t handle carrying around a Louisville Slugger in his pants. He’d topple over and royally f*ck up his delivery to the plate. Other players that we think are small are Matt Cain, Cole Hamels (and this truly does pain Lisa to think this), Josh Beckett, Dustin Pedroia, Ichiro Suzuki (he’s probably built like Mr. Chow), Jeff Franceour (we’re sad to admit this), and Jose Reyes. Lisa would like to issue a challenge to Hamels to prove to her that he doesn’t have a small Twinkie.

There were a few that we couldn’t decide on. Jayson Werth, for one. He could easily go either way, but he may smell…down there. Like a men’s lockerroom. Justin Verlander is hard to tell also, but we think he probably smells nicer…down there. NOT like a men’s lockeroom. David Ortiz seems like he’s either enormous or really small. Other unknowns: Joey Votto, Josh Hamilton, and Barry Zito. Barry Zito’s a big boy, but he’s rocked a comb-over. A comb-over may indicate a small taquito. That’s just two girls’ opinions.

Huston Street belongs in the average sausage category, but he knows how to work it. We once sat in the left field bleachers at the old Yankees Stadium and watched his warm up. Trust us when we say that “the hips do not lie.” That man can do things with his body that no man can do. There are women (us included—and Serena practices yoga) who cannot do what Huston Street can do.

In non-sausage related news, the TBB have decided to run in the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium in August. We get to run the warning track. How bad a$$ is that? We probably would’ve done ANY 5K being held at a baseball stadium within driving distance, but it’s a bonus that it’s taking place at one of the New York stadiums. Here’s a brief background on our running capabilities: Serena ran her first 5K last week at the Bronx Zoo. While running 3.1 miles isn’t something that Serena isn’t physically capable of completing relatively easily, she has the attention span of a toddler. In fact, at the Bronx Zoo, the only reason why Serena finished without running off to look at the monkeys is that she ran the entire thing with her cousin, Sara, a cross-country runner. Now we’re going to be running through a stadium, a course that includes being on the field. We’re probably going to lose Serena to the Yankees dugout or bullpen…or closest hot dog stand. Lisa has never run in any sort of race whatsoever. She HAS chased after the ice cream truck and from a creepy dog walker at Shea Stadium though. Once in awhile she runs on the treadmill at the gym, but she certainly can’t claim to enjoy it. It’s a long, tedious mile. What is exciting for Lisa is the prospect that there may be a lot of fit guidos present at this event (seeing as how most guidos in New York are Yankees fans). Perhaps these guidos can run in front of us and Lisa can run after them. One of them can carry a hot dog and a beer and that will be motivation for Serena. Stay tuned for the blog post following that event.

The big baseball note effecting New York this week is the crap with Mariano Rivera. While shagging balls in the outfield during batting practice (not even an actual game), Rivera twisted his knee. Ouch. An injury like that to a player as old as Rivera immediately makes people think that this is it. He’s not coming back. His career is over on a bull sh*t injury. Not so fast. Rivera insists that he’s coming back for 2013, “not going out like this.”

Jered Weaver, another f*ck a$$ who spells his name wrong (and this is more offensive than Andruw since Brother’s name is JARED), pitched himself a no-hitter against the offensively ineffectual Twins this week. While it’s nice to have a no hitter under your belt, what’s it like to accomplish something like this against a team with the major league-worst record (7-18)? We actually had to double-take that statistic there. 7-18??? SEVEN? They’ve only won seven stupid games??? That’s friggin’ AWFUL. Their terrible record actually outshines Weaver’s accomplishment. His no hitter is a backhanded compliment. We’re not even sure it should count. That’s like pitching no-hit ball to the Bad News Bears.

Closing things out with Adele today: “Oh, rumor has it. Oh, rumor has it. The rumor has it that Pujols is rolling up his sausage from the floor.”

The MLB Continues Not to Hire Us

Last week’s poll focused on the Red Sox’s pending decision regarding their new manager. At blogging time, the candidates had been narrowed down to Bobby Valentine and Gene Lamont. Naturally, because we’re jerk offs, we can’t just give you two normal options to choose from and as usual, you did not fail to deliver stupidity. This is why you continue to amuse us. Of the 8 votes, 4 of you wisely chose Serena. Obviously, she is a feisty, intelligent, and no BS kind of girl. She’d make an excellent manager. Unfortunately, she was not even considered for the position, which is a damn shame. Since she has little to no respect for the majority of the players on the Red Sox, she could’ve easily overhauled that lineup and revamped its attitude without adding any new players, saving the franchise a boat load of money! Quite simply, all she would’ve had to do was destroy whatever self-respect and ego these players had, make them feel less like men and more like pathetic and sniveling peons, and then slowly rebuild them into respectable, unselfish, and team-minded athletes. Following the mental renovation, the players would be put on a strict diet and workout regime. There’s no room for overweight and out of shape players on this team. The fried chicken and beer would have to be saved for the off season (hear that, Red Sox bullpen?). The men who crumbled under the pressure clearly do not belong on this redesigned team and would therefore be disposed of as she can’t afford dead weight in the clubhouse. Alas, this will not be so.

This signals the third time that Serena has been rejected for a position with the MLB. You may recall that prior to their financial ruin, Serena had reached out to the Mets offering to be a consultant for the team. She’s pretty confident that her being a Yankees fan had something to do with their lack of responsiveness, but it’s quite clear that they needed her assistance badly. Just look at the mess they got themselves into. She also later applied for a community events position with the Pittsburgh Pirates. She never heard back from them either. Still can’t figure out what went wrong with that one. As a package deal, we recommended our skill sets on several occasions to the MLB, including offering to serve on the panel of experts designated to choose the individuals to fill the open management positions following the 2010 season (including the Mets). We even suggested ourselves as the replacement Kansas City Royals’ mascot after an awkward hot dog incident left the original individual unemployed.

The next runner up in the poll with 3 votes is Buddy the Elf. This is a fine choice as we’re pretty sure that Buddy would pretty much run the Red Sox into the ground, leaving the AL East title wide open for the Yankees. J 1 person went the adult route and chose Bobby Valentine. Boo hiss. No one voted for Gene Lamont. Poor Gene. He’s like the fat kid last to be picked for Dodgeball. It’s okay, Gene. Have some cake.

On the subject of our poll, earlier this week, the Red Sox officially announced Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Awesome. So they’ve traded in a creepy, level 5-looking manager (albeit a good one) for a loud-mouthed, arrogant a-hole. Good times. Valentine’s new role includes a 2-year contract with options for the 2014 and 2015 seasons.

Late Thursday night, the Marlins reached a deal with closer Heath Bell for 3 years, pending a physical (as always). The contract is reportedly worth $27 million. So far, the Marlins have certainly flexed their off season muscles. New name, new stadium, and new tacky uniforms obviously require a new roster, right?

Mariano Rivera had surgery to remove polyps on his vocal cords yesterday at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He won’t be able to speak for a week, but he’ll be fully recovered in one month and the procedure should have zero effect on his pitching ability for the upcoming season.

There has been no update on the Jose Reyes front, though Mets GM Sandy Alderson claims that he plans on reopening talks with the a-hole short stop’s representation during the Winter Meetings, which begin on Monday in Dallas.

Joe Mauer has been busy preparing for the 2012 season after his 2011 season came to a close thanks to a bout of pneumonia. According to Mauer, he’s “healthy and happy.” That’s nice. And reassuring for Twins fans and potential fantasy baseball participants (ahem, Tigers Love Pepper). But what kind of non-elderly person contracts pneumonia?? This still bugs us! What’s next for Mauer? Yellow Fever? Small Pox? Dentures?

Last week, we announced our 2012 stadium tour schedule. While we haven’t been able to buy tickets yet, we’re pretty confident in which games we’d like to go to. In fact, we’ve been so bold as to book our airfare to Toronto thanks to a great deal we found on Black Friday. We’ll be in (Oh) Canada from July 26^th-29^th and plan on seeing the Jays play the Tigers either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The goal is to visit Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, but right now that’s still up in the air. We’ll be able to provide a more definite answer on that in January when Lisa gets her time off approved. Finally, we plan on driving down to DC on Friday, August 31^st or Saturday, September 1^st for a Nationals/Cardinals game. Exciting, exciting. Now we wait with bated breath for single-game tickets to go on sale.

A Whole Lot of Sh*t Without Really Saying Anything

Based on the results of our poll, you people are a pack of sickos. We truly don’t even know what to say to you at this point. We asked what you thought Operation Hot Brother was all about and 3 of you actually felt that Lisa was in love with Brother. Are you insane? He’s but a child! He’s like a younger brother to Lisa! That’s almost incest. You people are just gross. 1 person thought we had to rescue Brother from a fire-breathing dragon, which is very noble of you to assume, but if we’re being completely honest here, Serena would probably try to adopt the dragon as a pet whereas Lisa would run away screaming. Note how there’s not much saving involved in either of those scenarios. 2 of you claimed that there was no Brother and this was just another stupid thing that the two of us have concocted. We’ll have you know that there IS a Brother! He’s listed in our TBB lingo page for f*ck’s sakes! Pay attention! Lastly, 2 people chose “you were searching long and hard for Dial hand soap.” This, our stupid friends, is the correct answer. Liquid Dial hand soap is an endangered species these days despite it being an American institution in the soap community. We had to visit 4 stores in order to find it.

The playoffs are just around the corner and we’re obviously a bit too late to talk about our playoff picks because teams have already starting clinching spots. However, we already knew that the Phillies were clinching the NL East. C’mon. We knew this in February when they decided to form a “historical pitching staff” (yes, we’re still making fun of Cliff Lee for that…in fact, we’ll probably keep making fun of him for this even after he retires). Tigers’ also clinched a playoff berth. At this stage, we feel pretty strongly that the teams currently sitting in the division lead spots are going to stay there (Yankees, Rangers, Brewers, and Diamondbacks).

It’s the Wild Card races that are going to be interesting. As previously stated, the Rays are making it EXTREMELY exciting in the American League. The Red Sox are currently leading the race by 3 games, but there’s a real possibility that the Rays can take it. The Rays have games against the Yankees (who they seem to beat all the time) and the Blue Jays to end the season, whereas the Red Sox are playing the Orioles and the Yankees. The Orioles are terrible and the Red Sox have enjoyed beating the Yankees with a wet towel this year. Okay, you know what? We take it back. In reviewing the schedule, there’s an excellent chance that the Yankees will royally screw this whole thing up and not even make it to the playoffs. If both the Red Sox and Yankees advance, win the Division Series, and end up facing each other in the Championship Series, the Red Sox are going to the World Series. Whoopidee doo! On the National League side, the Braves have a 4.5 game lead over the Cardinals. We just don’t foresee this changing.

Baseball Notes:

Because of September 11^th, Major League Baseball moved the Mets/Nationals matchup up to the Sunday Night Baseball spot on ESPN. The players asked if they could wear FDNY and NYPD baseball hats to honor the first responders. The MLB declined this request claiming, “it was not part of league policy.” They were only allowed to wear the hats during batting practice. Sorry, but we just don’t buy it. This was pure corporate greed at its finest stepping in. It’s pretty clear that the only reason that the FDNY and NYPD hats weren’t allowed is that the hats are not issued by the MLB like the special edition hats that the players wear on Memorial Day and 4^th of July (which the MLB has the audacity to charge the public $40/hat for), meaning that the MLB wouldn’t make a dime if the public suddenly felt inspired to purchase a FDNY or NYPD hat for themselves. Who wants to make a bet that next year the MLB releases special edition September 11^th hats that the players WILL be allowed to wear and that we’ll get charged our first born child to buy them? If we’re wrong, Lisa will root for the Phillies and Serena will root for the Red Sox for the remainder of the 2012 season. We’ll post a photo of us wearing Phillies and Red Sox hats as proof. We won’t be happy about it, but we’ll do it.

Tuesday night was a very happening night in baseball land. Mariano Rivera recorded his 600^th career save. While we can admit that this historical moment is important, guess what we chose to direct our intention on instead? Star Wars was released on BluRay this week, which probably gave you techno-geeks a hard on. To celebrate the phenomenon, MLB is offering Star Wars night at select stadiums. Tuesday was Star Wars night at Citi Field. Serena’s life clearly has no meaning anymore because she was unable to attend. This is what she missed:

F*cking storm troopers, wookies, and f*cking Darth Vadar. What is the point in living when you miss something this glorious? This obviously would’ve been the best night of her entire adult life. Could you imagine the pictures we would’ve posted to our blog from this f*cking event? F*cking amazing.

Yesterday, Rivera recorded his 601^st save, bringing him one step closer to tying Trevor Hoffman’s all-time save record. This still doesn’t dull the pain of missing Star Wars night.

Joe Mauer is officially out for the season with pneumonia and as a result, basically screwed Tigers Love Peppers in the a-hole, so thanks for that. Does he have the weakest immune system ever? How the hell does someone just “get” pneumonia?

PS – the Jennifer Lopez Fiat commercial is extremely annoying. It certainly does not make us want to jump out of the sunroof of our Fiat that looks just like a Minicooper and dance with our papi.

While We Were Away

Well, we’re back and despite being exhausted from our flight (and sitting near a pack of hairy a-holes), we’re being real troopers and giving you this week’s baseball notes and poll results. A lot happened while we were away and since our Target Field post (which you’ll get tomorrow morning) would be an inappropriate location to discuss these happenings, we’re posting it a separate blog here.

First, our poll results. We asked you if you thought we’d fall out of the canoe in Lake Calhoun. 4 of you felt that we would because we “don’t seem to be very good at anything, let alone doing physical activities.” Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence. We’ll have you know that we didn’t even make it to Lake Calhoun because of bad weather!! A little something called a “tornado.” You may have heard of it. The Midwest has been getting hit left and right with them. 1 person thinks that we “should stick to the dragon paddle boats in Baltimore because it seems safer for us.” Thanks…we think. Are you genuinely concerned for us or implying that we’re idiots? No one felt that we’d be fine. That the canoes would be large enough to hold our fat asses. What the hell? How could no one think that?

Now for actual baseball news. While we recovered from a long night on the Minneapolis town AND an excruciating flight to Milwaukee on a Tinker Toy airplane, Mariano Rivera made his 1,000 appearance with one team. Impressive, isn’t it?

The Phillies defeated the Reds in a 19-inning marathon on Wednesday night that lasted into the early hours of morning 5-4. The best part of the win is that Wilson Valdez, a second baseman, earned the victory that night (or morning?). Valdez became the first player since Babe Ruth in 1921 to start a game in the field and later earn the win in relief.

In a collision with Marlins’ Scott Cousins at home plate during the 12th inning on Thursday night’s game at AT&T Park, Buster Posey suffered a fractured bone in his left leg. It is unclear as to when Posey will be able to return to lineup.

Fred Wilpon has announced that he’s sold less than 49% of the Mets to David Einhorn, President of Greenlight Capital, Inc. The sale will allow the Mets to pay back debts owed to MLB. Apparently, Wilpon’s also been running his mouth off about his Triumvirate (Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, and David Wright) in The New Yorker. We’re kind of sad we missed this to be quite frank.

Who is Going to Pay Us NOT to Call in Sick?

So…Derek Jeter’s still not signed. We asked you what you thought the story was behind this whole fiasco. 5 of you believe that he and the Yankees are simply having a lovers’ quarrel. They’ll be back together in no time. No one thinks that he’s broken hearted and unable to get over the betrayal…at least enough to make the mistake of signing with the Red Sox. 3 of you are pretty confident that he could care less being that he’s rich. Rich enough to retire now and never have to get off the couch ever again. In fact, he’s so wealthy, that he doesn’t even have to get up to poop. He can either pay someone to clean him up or leave it because he’s rich and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

The Dodgers signed RHP Jon Garland to a 1-year $5 million contract this past weekend. The contract includes an $8 million club option for 2012, which would vest if he pitches more than 190 innings in 2011. Since 2002, Garland has started 292 games with 121 wins and 1,842 2/3 innings pitched. This ranks him 5th, 8th, and 9th respectively among big league pitchers. Garland will be the Dodgers 5th starter.

Last week, we reported on a rumor about Victor Martinez moving to Tigers and it appears that this time, one of our rumors is actually true. We swear we didn’t make this one up. We know we lie to you regularly, but this time, this story is valid. He’ll earn $50 million over the course of 4 seasons.

According to a source (again…not us), Mariano Rivera will continue to close for the Yankees for the next 2 seasons. The contract is rumored to be worth $30 million. This is a man who has just turned 41 years old. We hope that when we’re 41, our CEO is willing to pay us that much for only 2 years of work.

Apparently, the Red Sox will be re-signing Jason Varitek to a 1-year deal worth $2 million according to yet another source. The contract supposedly includes $300, 000 in incentives based on playing time - $100, 000 for 60, 70, and 80 games started behind the plate. That’s amazing. Let’s be real for a second. Is he really going to start for 80 games? If the Red Sox sign a legit catcher, there’s no way. The good news for Jason is that while his playing time may be limited, he still gets to keep that stupid ‘C’ on his jersey as if he’s a hockey player. We hear that Big Papi has been asked to bedazzle the ‘C’ for this season as an additional incentive.

As we report to you the stellar details of these already over-inflated contracts, we can’t help but feeling the taste of vomit in the backs of our throats as we read about “incentives.” So…you do your job and you get extra money on top of your preposterous and obnoxious salaries. Let us break this down even further. You’re a baseball player. You make a retarded amount of money to play a game, wear a uniform that’s already provided to you (meaning you don’t have to pay for it out of your pocket) and show up to the field. If you strike out every single time you’re at the plate or give up a home run with every pitch thrown, you can still earn your asinine “base” salary (okay, so this might be a SLIGHT exaggeration, but you get our point). HOWEVER, should you choose to play up to your ability OR go above and beyond, you have the potential to earn even more millions of dollars/season. For doing what? What you’re supposed to? What you’re telling us is that you could be an under-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money OR be an achiever/over-achiever and make disgusting amounts of money and then some? Exactly, what are WE doing wrong here? Here, in TBB world, you show up to work every day. If you don’t show up and do your work work, you get written up and then you get FIRED. Unlike being on the DL, when you’re unemployed, you don’t make any money. If you do your job well, you’re not applauded. You don’t get “extra money.” You get more f’n work to do because clearly you’re competent enough to handle it. Oh and our uniforms? We have to BUY our collared shirts and dress pants. Hooray! Where’s our incentives? Our only incentive is that we need a job and if we don’t work, we won’t have a job anymore. The end. F you, MLB. F you.

TBB Super Hero, David Bowie (aka: the Goblin King Jareth with an enormous package) said it best when he danced magic danced and sang, “You remind me of the Babe (Ruth). The Babe didn’t get those salaries.”