Oracle Park (the park formerly known as AT&T Park)

 June 5, 2021

We had a 7am flight out of New York to San Francisco. The trip was mostly supposed to be a wine-centric vacation with the purpose of us getting SOMEWHERE that wasn't our homes after a long lockdown. Not sure what prompted us to even look up the Giants' schedule (because as you know, we've already hit this park), but we did and discovered that they'd be home the weekend we were arriving in San Francisco. Unfortunately, due to COVID protocols, the Giants were not yet selling tickets to the general public. Only season ticket holders had access to buy. However, the wonders of social media came to our rescue. We posted one little story on Instagram seeking advice regarding tickets and one of our kick ass followers replied with the hook up! She bought tickets via her account on our behalf and we were in! 

Anywho, back to our arrival in San Francisco. We didn't have much time available to us before our 5pm game, but we managed to squeeze a lot in: Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, and mini doughnuts. We arrived and snapped our exterior photo of the ballpark, including a retake of us outside the Willie Mays Gate. 

Now:

Then:

Before we went inside, we stopped at the team store so that Lisa could get herself a hat and also visited McCovey Cove because we never documented it the first time around. We got to see someone snag a home run ball during batting practice. 

California was a little behind New York in their COVID protocols, so the attendance capacity was less than what we would've experienced at Citi Field or Yankee Stadium. There were still vaccinated and unvaccinated seating sections. We still had to wear masks at least until we got to our seats and most importantly, many of the concession stands were still closed. This is not a complaint by any means. It was just a different experience from what we've had. As we walked around our section trying to decide what we wanted to eat, we found these fun Lego set ups:

We ended up with pretty basic food, but no complaints here. We ate all of it and enjoyed every bite. We think it cost us roughly $40 for both of our dinners and beers, but truthfully, we can't remember and we apparently spent so much money on random sh*t that day that we can't decipher our bank statements as to what's what. The ballpark was entirely cashless also by the way, which was unexpected, but obviously we managed because we didn't go hungry. 

Oh! This picture of us in these custom sweatshirts (made by @evieandzoedesigns) just reminded us of a funny interaction with one of the park staff people. He spotted our shirts and loved them so much that he took several photos of us with his phone. Either he thought we were celebrities (we sort of are...and if we're not, we aren't sure what the f*ck is taking so long on that front)or he was a creep. Somewhere in the state of California, is an Oracle Park security guard with at least 10 photos of us in the same pose and facial expression. He didn't even bother to take a selfie with us. 

Back to the game. The Giants, for the most part, dominated, but it did get hairy towards the end.  At one point Brandon Crawford bulldozed Evan Longoria in attempt to get the ball. We've never seen anything like it. Not even at one of Lisa's nephew's little league games. They did win the end even though they made it interesting. And so did we. We went back to our hotel and passed the f*ck out face down in our beds before going on the bike tour from hell the following morning. We'd tell you about it, but that's for a completely different type of blog. 

Jinkies & Zoinks!

We're going to be brief today because New York and New Jersey is in the midst of preparing for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy (or as Serena's been calling it for some unknown reason, "Hurricane Steven." Lisa thinks it's because Serena misses Steve and that this has just been a pyschological freudian slip). The good news, folks, is that despite the supposed impending apocalypse, the stores are well-stocked with Twinkies. No water or batteries or anything like that, but there's a ton of Twinkies. Plus, if you hit up a Stop-N-Shop, Twinkies are on sale. A little bit of coverage on the World Series and a little bit of coverage on the Halloween festivities to date, which we know you're all looking forward to. Before we get into the important stuff, we must first discuss our poll. You people suck balls. NO ONE voted? This is a first. Not even since our very first blog post have we ever experienced such a blatant f*ck you from our readers. We asked if the NFL should get a new SNF introduction. Did you not know what "SNF" meant? Aren't you sports fans? You're dead to us. Pack of a-holes. You really are. We shouldn't even GIVE you any Halloween pictures, but we're going to anyway because we're amazing.

First, the World Series. If you've been following, you know that the Tigers are in the hole by 3 games. While we're not saying we want the Tigers to necessarily WIN the series, we will be pretty disappointed if the Tigers get swept. What a lame, ho-hum way to close out the baseball season. It's only funny if the Phillies and Red Sox are swept. The good news is that since the season is now so ridiculously long, we'll only have to wait 3 months for spring training. Just two worthy notes: Barry Zito. Talk about a complete 180. The man's been on fire. His curve ball is back to its sexy status, the comb-over is gone, the moustache has been shaved, balance has been restored. Serena's gonna need the 5:00 shadow to come back though. Clean shaven does not suit him. Also, Timmy's been rocking the SH*T out of the bullpen. You can thank us, SF fans, for this transformation because we're the ones who gave him the regiment of success. Obviously he's been following it faithfully.

Now for Halloween shenanigans. As you may be aware, we dressed as Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo. Let's start with Friday night, shall we? We were a massive hit at the gala we attended. The Mystery Machine was coveted by all. Scooby was loved and more importantly, we were worshipped like celebrities. Just look at this sh*t:

Our friend, Kathleen looked like the bomb diggity as well. The best part is that she never smiled in her photographs like the legit Edward Scissorhands.

Unfortunately, we were all senselessly robbed in the Halloween contest. For starters, Kathleen wasn't even in the final five!!! Seriously? She was "outdone" by a crappy ninja. We call BULLSH*T! We were in the final two and we lost to some kid in an oompa loompa costume! He didn't even paint himself orange! Plus, he was entirely too tall. He was taller than us...which, we should add, does NOT make us midgets. How did you expect people to pick adults over a kid? We were set up to lose. It was a fixed contest. The only thing that kept us together was that everyone kept approaching us afterwards and telling us that they voted for us.

We did win a silent auction prize for a Disney excursion which is pretty awesome. What's more awesome is the fact that Mama Leone has been telling people that we won this prize for best costume. Yup. We'll totally support that rumor and spread that story like a Herpes on a whore.

No problem. We had another night of festivities planned for Saturday night. A bar we were going to was holding a cash prize costume contest. We had this in the bag seeing as how children are not allowed in bars...or so we thought. Since the bar was so crowded, we left the Mystery Machine behind, but Scooby joined us.

Do you know how many people didn't know who we were??? If you questioned us, you're only a slight moron, but the fact that Scooby Doo was rolling with us should've clarified all of your doubt! These people were clearly deprived. A select few individuals recognized us immediately and we instantly became these people's favorite costumes. Batman said we were the best female costumes in the place and that we "totally made sense." A sluttly Bud Light, Cat, and Bunny insisted they take pictures with us. Slutty Pocahontas insisted on an impromptu dance party with us. Neytiri from Avatar high-fived us. Maverick tried to unsuccessfully hit on Velma ("everyone knows that Velma was the inner dirty girl, right?") and a guy not in costume stole Velma's classes and tried to mack it to Daphne because he "had a crush on Daphne as a kid." Jinkies! He realized that Daphne was a cartoon, right? A taco wearing a sombrero gropped both Daphne AND Velma separate occasions.

Failure of the night: A bank robber tried this line on Velma:
Bank robber: So...can I borrow a book from you?
Velma: Huh?
Bank robber: Can I borrow a book from you?
*Did Velma carry a book around and I just don't remember it?* Velma: What?
Bank robber: Can you loan me a book?
Velma: A book?
Bank robber: Aren't you a sexy librarian?
*Look of anger and outrage* Velma: NO! I'm Velma!!!
Bank robber: Uh...
Velma: Didn't you watch Scooby Doo when you were younger????
Bank robber: Uh...yes? Uh, oh, right. I got it.
Velma: Ugh. Idiot.
*Stomps off in a rage to find Daphne*

What kind of sexy librarian rocks a bowl haircut and orange knee socks??? Moron. We knew immediately that we weren't going to win the contest. The judge was a slutty cowgirl and she wrote down the following costumes as competitors: 1 of 10 slutty Minnie Mouses, slutty zombie Japanese dolls, 1 of 5 Julius Caesars, and a ton of lingerie girls wearing a variety of animals ears. Disgusting.

On a brighter note, Scooby Doo knows how to throw down and party. He drank beer with us:

Boogied down on the dance floor:

He was just an all-around good time. He was the best date. He even offered to be the designated driver.

We've got one last chance to win a contest and that's on Wednesday. We don't care if it's just a lifetime supply of pizza or something. We just want to win the prize that we deserve.

Happy Halloween, folks! To all of our Northeastern residents, be safe, stay dry, and stay drunk.

Theme Party Etiquette

As you can see by the post title, we're going to veer off the path of baseball a little today, which we realize is a touch shameful considering how close we are to the postseason, but this is a topic that is near and dear to our hearts and we felt it vital that we discuss it in detail. If this is something that you simply cannot stomach, feel free to scroll to the bottom where we've listed our legit baseball notes. Or feel free to come back next week when we have an entire post dedicated to the sport that we claim to cover. First, our poll results. We asked if you think that Mike Tomlin looks like Omar Epps (he totally does). 2 of you are wrong and think that he looks nothing like Omar Epps and that we're smoking crack. Well...you're stupid. You're probably one of those people that show up to a theme party not dressed in costume.7 of you highly intelligent beings agreed with our assessment because it's clearly true.

Now onto today's discussion: Theme Party Etiquette. By now, it should be quite obvious that the TBB are obsessed with theme parties. We're basically professional theme party organizers. We're at the stage where we should just have our own business organizing theme parties for people who are inept. There is etiquette when it comes to both hosting AND attending theme parties. Since we are so close to the Halloween season, we thought that we should cover both of these topics today. Plus, we've been victims both of hosting theme parties that have gone awry and attending theme parties that have been less than stellar. These are just some of the things that we've noticed over the years and hope that posting it here will help to recitfy future theme parties across the globe.

Rules for Hosting a Theme Party:

• Exhibit common courtesy. Don't be an a-hole. As host, it is inappropriate to alienate your guests. You may find yourself surrounded by many unattractive individuals. Despite this misfortune, you should not take it upon yourself to make these people feel unwelcome. It's rude. As a host, you must display politeness to ALL of your guests, regardless of your feelings about them. It's one of the major cons of being host. For example, if someone comes up to you to start a friendly conversation, it is totally unacceptable to turn your back and walk away.
• Decorate your home appropriately. It's a theme party. How do you expect the party-goers to embrace your theme if the venue isn't decorated? If you're having a luau, don't just slap some cut outs of hibiscus flowers on the wall that you purchased from Party City and call it a day. Tiki torches (if outdoors), hula skirts, coconuts, leis, palm trees, tropical fish, beaches, etc. You get the point. Turn your abode into Hawaii. More importantly, it's vital that you, as host, actually KNOW and UNDERSTAND your publicized theme. For example, if you are hosting a Mexican Appreciation Fiesta, do not decorate your house with the flag of Spain. Yes, both countries speak Spanish, but we assure you, they are not the same country. Check a map. The last thing you want to do is confuse your guests. Exhibit 1: Border Patrol decorations for a Mexican Fiesta:

• Dress for the occasion. How can you expect your guests to show up to your Halloween party in costume if you can't do the same? And no, wearing an Eli Manning jersey and a pair of jeans does not count as being dressed as Eli Manning. This would only be an acceptable costume if you not only wore an Eli Manning jersey, but football pads, white pants, socks, cleats, and adopted Eli's glazed over donkey facial expression. Bonus points for walking around in a "Toyota."When dressed as Tim Tebow, adopt scripture printed on your eye black.
• Not only should you dress for the occasion, but like your decorations, your costume should match the theme (see bullet point #2). For example, do not tell people that you are throwing a Star Wars party and dress up as Captain Kirk. Do you see how that might be confusing to people? Yes, both movies take place in outer space, however they are not the same movie. We have never seen a movie where Captain Kirk boarded the Millennium Falcon and if you have seen such a flick, it was probably a low-budget porn filmed in Japan and it does not count. If you want to have a party in which you get to wear a Captain Kirk costume and your roommate gets to dress as Chewbacca, then consider throwing a "Space Party" as opposed to "Star Wars."
• It would be nice if you offered themed activities for your attendees. Why not offer bobbing for apples at your Halloween party? Exhibit 2: Kissing the Blarney Stone at an Irish-themed party:



• Whether you like it or not, some of your guests will become too intoxicated to drive home and will have shown up without some sort of backup plan. As host, it is your responsibility to make sure these individuals do not get behind the wheel of a car, whether that means calling them a taxi cab or allowing them to crash on the sofa until they sober up.
• Be prepared for potential theft. Lock up your valuables. The odds are that you won't know or trust all of your guests. Also, your $30 inflatable cactus may walk out the door with a creepy drunk dude. You won't like it, but it might happen. Just sayin'. Be prepared. Know before you go. Knowing is half the battle.
• If you notice one or more of your guests have abruptly disappeared, perform the necessary follow up. One or more of the following could have taken place: abduction, rape, murder, roofies, suicide, accidentally locked themselves in the bathroom, or overall unhappiness. All of these should be of some concern to you. Following up will allow you to investigate the safety of your guests as well as provide you with an opportunity to receive some feedback. How was the party? Decorations? Fellow guests? What did you like? What didn't you like? What can I do better? Feedback will help your next theme party to be even more epic than your first.

Rules for Attending a Theme Party:

• Always, always dress up. When you attend a so-called theme party in regular clothes, you become the party's token douchebag. Don't be the party's token douchebag. Let someone else claim that title. You can join the rest of the crowd in making fun of that person for being a lame asshat. It does not matter if you think that the theme of the party is lame. It's not your party. You're a guest. Your job is not to throw the party, it's to attend and fully embrace the theme that's been imposed on you. If you don't like it, don't go. Exhibit 3: Dressing for a Rock of Ages party:

• So you've decided to dress up. That's good. Now do it right. Don't half-ass it. If someone is hosting a cross-dressing party, don't, as a female, show up just wearing leggings, a Mark Sanchez jersey, and eye-black and call yourself a dude. No, you're not a dude. You're just a female Jets fan with bad taste, which has absolutely nothing to do with the theme! If you go with football, seriously dress as a football player! Side note: if you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like a giant loser because you've shown up to a "theme party" overdressed, steathily make your exit and head to the closest diner for beers and fatty foods. Feel free to discuss your negative experience and boast about how great your costume is/how awesome YOUR theme parties are.
• Always show up to the party with something to contribute whether it's a bag of ice, chips and salsa, beer, or liquor. Showing up empty handed makes you look like a cheap, selfish leech. Also, if you bring a bottle of vodka and it hasn't been emptied by your fellow partiers, don't take the bottle back when you leave. It's just tacky. If you're that married to your vodka that you can't stand the thought of leaving it behind, either don't bring it with you and bring something else OR bring a case of beer for the rest of the party and carry your expensive vodka in a flask for yourself.
• Mingle. Talk to people you may not know. Be friendly to those that approach you with conversation. Allow strangers to join beer pong/flip cup with you. Let Rudolph join in all the reindeer games. Unless of course you find yourself in a situation where you're completely surrounded by unfunny, judgemental, narrowminded, and stuckup a-holes. In that case, you should feel to punch them in their vaginas/penises with reckless abandon. Or simply walk out. The choice is yours.
• If you've gotten so bombed that you cannot drive yourself home and your host is gracious enough to allow you to stay, do not raid their cabinets and fridge after everyone has gone to bed. It's just rude. Imagine how disappointing it would be to you if you woke up the next day looking forward to eating your leftover taquitos only to discover that your a-hole houseguest ate them all!

In conclusion, once again, we are awesome. Contrary to what some people may think. Not mentioning any names.

Now onto this week's baseball notes. Both the Reds and Giants have clinched Division titles while the Nationals have clinched a playoff berth for the first time since the franchise's inception. Go Nats! On the subject of the Nationals, Gio Gonzalez notched his 20th victory against the Brewers yesterday. Gonzalez lasted 7 innings and allowed only 2 unearned runs on 3 hits. Gonzalez is MLB's first 20-game winner this season. For that, we've given Gio TBB Super Hero of the Week honors.

Both RA Dickey and Jered Weaver notched their 19th wins this weekend. Both men have a shot at 20 with Dickey's next start coming on Thursday and Weaver's coming on Saturday.

Andy Pettitte made his first start since coming off the DL on Wednesday. Pettitte threw 5 scoreless innings with a total of 75 pitches in the Yankees' victory over the Blue Jays, helping to retain the Yankees' control over the red-hot Orioles in the American League East. We're so confident in the outcome of the regular season that we've already purchased tickets to game 2 of the Division Series at Yankees Stadium. Hopefully, we didn't just jinx the Yankees.

¡Hasta Luego, Carlos!

Randomly, we asked you if you’d want to see The Smurfs. Sadly, 3 of you think that it “literally looks like the dumbest movie made in the last 10 years.”2 of you want to see it because “they’re A-dorable!” We happen to agree with you!!

So…we received no feedback regarding our little Mad Libs we created for you last week. Did you not like it? We really did think you’d enjoy it!!! We’ve created a discussion panel on Facebook where you can share the results of your Mad Libs. If you do not have Facebook, please feel free to post your results in the Mad Lib's blog posting's comment section. We posted ours first so that you don’t feel foolish.      

The big news in New York (and maybe San Francisco) is the departure of Carlos Beltran. We apologize to our friends in the Bay Area for the lazy heap of garbage they’ve just received.

Top 10 Things We Will Not Miss About Carlos Beltran (or as Joe Morgan puts it, “Bell-trAHn!”)

1. His mole. It’s just grodie. Plus, he’s got so much money, it’s pretty much useless, he might as well spend it on mole removal. How does he know it’s not cancerous?

2. His clean uniform. Who wants an outfielder that refuses to make the extra effort to dive for a ball once in awhile? What about sliding into second base? C’mon, bro. Get a little dirty once in awhile. Show us you care.

3. His germs. The man brought PINK EYE into the clubhouse! PINK EYE! Do you have any idea as to how infectious that sh*t it??

4. “El Está Aquí,” the stupid song he came to the plate to at every single Mets home game since the day he arrived in Flushing, NY. How unimaginative could you possibly be that you can’t vary up your song season to season? We’re not asking game to game and we’re not even asking you to pick a song sung in English. Just pick another damn song!  

5. His graceful trot to first because he didn’t feel like running out a ground ball.

6. His pretty boy muscles because he’s just too pretty to play ball like a man

7. Him standing in the outfield like a statue instead of moving toward the ball that’s been hit in play or backing up his fellow outfielders

8. His incredibly ability to strike out when men are in scoring position…especially in important games

9. Getting secret surgery without discussing it with team management first. Like he works for the CIA or something.

10. His fragility. The man is practically made of paper-mâché. Every overly dramatic play he makes, he hurts his pinky toe or his vagina.  

We’d like to thank the San Francisco Giants for taking this man off of our island, therefore the entire San Francisco Giants organization is this week’s TBB Super Hero of the Week.

So without further delay, we close things out with, “Na na na na, hey, na na nana, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Goodbye…Carlos!”