Forbes’ Top Ten

We’d been thinking about a potential career change and since we care so much about your opinion, we asked for your feedback. Since it was a tie, you haven’t helped us at all. Good job. When asked if you thought we should quit stadium touring and become professional MMA fighters, you people couldn’t make a decision. Now we’re stuck between “Oh, for crissakes, no. You’ll be killed” and “Yes. You look bad a$$. You’ll totally win some matches.” What are we supposed to do with this? We suppose we’ll just go be strippers instead. Thanks a lot, guys. Miserable married corporate men will have the unfortunate experience of us dancing and twirling around a pole. If you think that sounds sexy, just be aware that while spinning on a pole, Serena actually squeals, “Weeeeeeee!” Kay? Does that still sound sexy?

This weekend, Forbes’ released its Top 10 Most Disliked Athletes list. The ranking is as follows:

1. Michael Vick
2. Tiger Woods
3. Plaxico Burress
4. Ndamukong Suh
5. Kris Humphries
6. LeBron James
7. Kobe Bryant
8. Terrell Owens
9. Alex Rodriguez
10. Kurt Busch

Some of this list is completely understandable. After all, Michael Vick should not have his current job. He’s a man who operated a dog fighting ring, killed dogs, served time in prison, and then was rewarded upon his release with a really awesome career. Most “reformed” criminals have trouble finding jobs at Walmart and yet this a-hole immediately gets his old job back. His entire salary should be donated back to the ASPCA. He’s a scumbag. Plaxico Burress, Terrell Ownes, and Kurt Busch are all total douchebags. We get it. Kobe Bryant? Sexually assaulted a woman AND an arrogant a-hole. Yup. We get it. What we can’t understand is why Tiger Woods is ranked higher on this list than a man who shot himself in the leg like an a-hole, a sell-out who abandoned his fans for extra money, and more importantly, a man who had sexually assaulted a woman. We’re not saying that Tiger doesn’t belong on this list, but his issue is sex addiction. Those women all wanted to have sex with him (for reasons that are unknown to us). Kobe forced himself on a woman. Why is he only #7?

Even more disturbing is Kris Humphries’ placement on this list at #5. The only reason you should dislike him is that you’re sick of hearing his name and about his a-hole ex-wife. In fact, instead of Humphries, Kim Kardashian should be on this list. She might not be a literal athlete, but she certainly sleeps with a lot of them. Humphries also spells his name wrong, but that’s not enough of a reason to rank him #5. Why is this man on this list in the first place? How could you have this much venom toward someone so unimportant? He’s literally a non-entity. Furthermore, why is he on this list higher than a man who sexually assaulted a woman AND LeBron James and Terrell Owens??? This has to be a joke.

Alex Rodriguez. Really? How could you possibly hate him more than say, oh, we don’t know…Ben Rothlisberger?? A man who raped not one woman, but TWO!!! We get that there’s animosity toward Rodriguez for his inflated salary (but really…how many other athletes are out there with grossly inflated salaries? Can we say Barry Zito? At least Rodriguez performs. What has Zito done for us lately besides attempt to bring back the porn-stache and rock a comb-over on his wedding day?), his high-profile relationships (wouldn’t you bang Kate Hudson if you had the chance?), and the whole steroids debacle (umm…what about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens? They actually lied to a grand jury). But really? Top 10 MOST disliked? Really? More disliked than a rapist? The rapist isn’t even on this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Furthermore, Chad Ochocinco renamed himself after his jersey number. We’re not sure you can get more douchey than that. Why isn’t he on this list?

Alex Rodriguez’s personality is minimal. It’s like listening to a piece of Melba Toast speaking when he’s interviewed and as we stated earlier, Kris Humphries is a non-entity. You’ve eaten two spots on this list with men that are essentially space-wasters. Spots that could’ve been filled by a rapist and Douchey McDouchey. This list basically confirms how stupid the public is. They shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything. Not for the All Star Game, not for the People’s Choice Awards, not for American Idol, and in all honesty, no one should be voting in the presidential elections. We’d be better off being run by British Parliament at this point.  

In other worldly baseball news, according to sources, there’s a chance that AJ Burnett could be sent to the Pirates. Did you just hear that? It sounded like angels singing. The Yankees still owe Burnett $35 million for the next two seasons, which is worth more than the cost of both of our cars combined and we’ve gotten more practical use out of our modes of transportation than the Yankees have gotten out of Burnett. On the flip side, the Pirates are seeking a veteran starter who can eat innings. Here’s the problem with the Pirates’ strategy here. Yes, Burnett is a veteran and yes, when his sh*t is on the money, he’s great and he’ll definitely eat up some innings for you. However, that being said, when the f*cker is in hot mess mode, you’ll be lucky if he survives two innings. Maybe removing him from the pressure of being in New York will help him. We’re not sure, but he needs to take his epic fails elsewhere.

Tom Brady’s sister (who we imagine looks like Tom Brady, only without a beard and with long, silky smooth hair as opposed to short) is engaged to Kevin Youkilis. What could be going so wrong in the Brady household that something this terrible would happen to the sister of Tom Brady? Youkilis looks like a crazed lumberjack. A friend of Youkilis said that, “he’s really lucky. She’s a really nice person…” Hell yeah, he’s lucky! Has he looked at himself in the mirror lately????

Jose Reyes’ locks went for $10,200 on eBay. This would normally be a disgusting and creepy situation that we’d make fun of, but the money was donated to the Make A Wish Foundation of South Florida, so it would be a little inappropriate for us to ridicule this.  

Finally, Chubby Bubby Miguel Cabrera reportedly shed 20-25 pounds to move back to third base for the Tigers. The End. End Scene. Close curtains. Exit theater.

In the fine words of Candlebox: “Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on that list. Now maybe, but they did it anyway. And now maybe, some would say that your life is sad. But you lived it anyway. And so maybe, and your friends they stand around and they watched you marry that whore as your reputation faltered to the ground. And then someday, even some of your friends voted, oh they voted you for #5…but you left them far behind. Now maybe, they didn’t mean to put you on the list, but they did it anyway. Now maybe, some would say you’re left with what you have, but you couldn’t stop the pain of beating a sex offender.”  

The TBB Do Spring Training 2012

Last week, we asked you lovely sports fans if any of you had superstitions or rituals associated with sports. 10 of you replied, “Yes. I’m not even sure where I begin to describe them all.” Impressively enough, only one person voted for “No. I’m normal. You’re all a pack of a-hole freaks.” Usually, the fact that we offered you an opportunity to call us a-hole freaks is enough to get you guys to mass-vote for it.

With the Superbowl being just a few short hours away, it’s time to come to the understanding that soon, we will have nothing but the New York Islanders to keep us company until April. God, the next month is looking pretty bleak, isn’t it? The good news is that pitchers and catchers report on the 19^th! The bad news is that we’ve come to the realization that we have not adequately prepared for the arrival of baseball season. We’ve been too lax in our training for spring training and beyond. That’s all gonna change!!! Well…it’s all gonna change starting tomorrow because tonight’s the Superbowl and we want to eat and drink our faces off…okay, actually it’s going to change on Tuesday because we still want to go to the bar for 10 cent wings on Monday. Yes, Tuesday. That’s it. We’ll start on Tuesday. Promise.

How do we prepare for the MLB season, you ask? We’ll tell you. We know that you’ve been chomping on the bit to find out.

1.  For starters, being on vacation during the warm weather months will require us to appear in public at some point or another wearing an outfit made of bathing suit material. In an effort not to offend the masses or get harpooned because we were mistaken for Moby Dick, we begrudgingly embrace the fitness. On some days, we do yoga:

On other days, we strength train:

2. Traveling to stadiums can at times be dangerous. We have to be able to protect ourselves from psychotic fans (not of us, but of the teams we’re observing). After a few bad experiences in Boston, Chicago, and Philly, we’ve decided that we need to be better trained in the art of self-defense. Therefore, thanks to the online videos found on MMA Candy, we’ve picked up MMA fighting in our spare time. We feel like we’re borderline professionals right now. We’re like two steps away from getting a belt of some sort. It might be the Hulk Hogan replica belt found at Toys R Us, but it totally counts for something. As you can see in these pictures, we’re obviously in the heavy weight division.

3. We have to coach our stomachs to handle eating ballpark food again. Therefore, we spend a lot of time at fast food joints and local delis…and bars…eating crap. Crap that probably screws with our whole fitness concept, but it is what it is. We’re basically working out to maintain the status quo.

4. To help pay for these trips, we collect spare change like homeless people that we later cash in at the Penny Arcade at TD Bank for dollar, dollar bills, ya’ll. This season, we’re hoping to pay for at least one night’s stay in Toronto.

5. Part of our change fund comes from our “green” habits! We bring our recyclable water bottles (not beer bottles because as you know, we’re very sober) to the local bottle depot and get a whopping 5 cents back on each container!

6. Lastly, it’s important that we purchase tickets to the games that we want. We can’t just up and go to another city and run the risk of not being able to get tickets. What’s the point otherwise? Do you think people just travel to Minneapolis or Milwaukee for absolutely no reason? Unless you want to get roofied. Then definitely, definitely go to Minneapolis and hang out at Prohibition at the W Hotel. You could end up looking and feeling like Lisa:

There’s a better picture of this situation taken in the ladies’ room of the hotel, but we felt that a bit inappropriate to post here. ANYWAY, the point we’re trying to get at here is that we consistently monitor single-game ticket sales. As you can see, the Blue Jays have announced that their tickets go on sale on February 17^th, but in the case of the Braves and Nationals, they haven’t announced their on sale dates yet. Therefore, we’ve joined their online ticket alerts for the time being. Though it’s quite possible that even after we unsubscribe to them, they’ll continue to email us. Subscribe at your own risk, fellow stadium travelers.

This week’s baseball notes:

On Thursday night, a woman was charged with stalking Brian Cashman in an attempt to extort him. Do all of you know who Brian Cashman is? For those who may be living under a rock, he’s the GM for the Yankees. He’s not a player. Or even a retired player. He’s also not attractive. He looks like a box turtle. Not even one of those cute little western turtles that splash around in your home aquatic tank. He’s creepy looking. Sure, he’s wealthy. But if you’re going to extort a Yankee for money, wouldn’t you hit up Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, or CC Sabathia? They’re stupid rich. All in all, this just sounded like a stupidly laid plan. The A-Team would not be impressed. To top it off, his wife has filed for divorce. That’s just a sh*tty week. We’re sorry, Brian. You should drink heavily. But not at a movie theater. Apparently it’s frowned upon to drink alcohol from a travel mug in those establishments.

Brad Penny will be parting ways with the United States in favor for playing ball in Japan. He’ll be playing for the SoftBank Hawks and is expected to arrive in Japan on Wednesday. So long, Penny!  

Jose Reyes doesn’t stop being a complete a$$ hat. He received a trim on national television (because there’s nothing better to put on television these days) because of the Marlins’ rule of “no hair below the helmet line.” Here are some of the gems that came out of his mouth:

“One thing that I do, I wash my hair once a month," Reyes said. "Every time I went to shower, I put a plastic bag on my hair, and David Wright (is) always making fun of me because of that. I don't get my hair wet.” (Of course, David Wright makes fun of you…he’s HYGENIC!!! He bathes like a normal person! It’s one of his better qualities! According to Lisa, he looks like he smells nice. She doesn’t know for sure because she hasn’t been able to sniff his neck or armpit yet, but 2012 is a new year)

"It's going to be a little bit emotional because I spent three years with this hair. But at the same time, I understand this rule of my new team.” (We’re sorry, but we were unaware that you had a vagina. You really are a woman. First, you break up with your long time team on bitter terms and now you’re getting a hair cut like a typical chick. What’s next? A gym membership to build a whole new you?)

"A little bit lighter. It's going to take me a couple of days to get used to it.” (But just think of how much faster your blow dry time is going to be)

The Brewers and pitcher Shaun Marcum avoided an arbitration hearing (again, we fail to become employed by the MLB) this week by agreeing to a 1-year deal worth $7,725,000.

Justin Timberlake and Timbaland closing things out today. “It’s spring training so we’re gonna work our bodies like a carry out. Gonna do some MMA until some bitch taps out. Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out! Count my change out, baby, don’t you cut any out!”

Oh, wait for it…Go Giants!!!!

We Don’t Handle Change Well

Now that we’ve announced our plans for our 2012 stadium tour, we asked you to tell us which trip you were most excited to read about. Of 5 votes, 3 of you chose Atlanta and 2 of you chose Toronto. No one seems to care about DC.

Now…on to the good stuff. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night, Jose Reyes! The self-absorbed shortstop signed a 6-year contract earlier this week with the Miami Marlins worth $106 million. According to King A-hole, uh, we mean, Reyes, he wanted to remain in New York, however “they didn’t make a real offer. So that means they don’t want me there.” The Mets offered a deal that is believed to have been worth 5 years and $80 million. Sorry, Reyes. This wasn’t about staying in New York. You wanted the money. Or dinero, if that helps you understand better. For the first time in years, the Mets made a good business decision. Reyes will probably play up to his potential during his first season just to show the Marlins that he wasn’t a mistake. In the following seasons, he’ll resort back to the laziness and I-Don’t-Give-a-F*ck attitude that he displayed in New York the last time he signed a big contract. Then in his 6^th and final year, he’ll play his so-called heart out and some other team will be stupid enough and excited enough to shoot their load and give him more money. Thank you, Mets for doing the right thing.

Another addition to the Marlins is Mark Buehrle, who might be leaving The Windy City, but isn’t going for a complete change. Buehrle will be reunited with manager Ozzie Guillen in Miami. Tired of waiting for Albert Pujols to make a decision, the Marlins pulled their offer and turned their sights on pitching. Hence, the addition of Buehrle. Buehrle’s contract includes a 4 years and $191 million. Hopefully, spending money like it’s going out of style pays off for the Marlins because paying for a new stadium and new roster costs a pretty penny and if this endeavor fails miserably, it’s just gonna get awkward and ugly.

David Ortiz will be returning to the Red Sox as their designated hitter. On Wednesday, Ortiz accepted salary arbitration which binds him to the team for at least another year. They’ll continue to work toward a multi-year contract potentially until February, but for now, Big Papi is at least returning for the 2012 season.

On Thursday, MAJOR changes went down. The Marlins may have stopped sweet talking Pujols in order to get him into the sack, but the Angels stepped right in and swept him off his feet! Pujols signed a 10-year, $254 million contract, making him the second highest paid baseball player in history and the third player to break the $200 million barrier. The Angels also signed pitcher CJ Wilson (who happens to be pretty darn cute) for a deal reportedly worth 5 years and $77.5 million.

The Diamondbacks dealt one of their top pitching prospects to the A’s in exchange for pitchers Trevor Cahill and Craig Breslow. Clearly, the A’s have decided to roll over and play dead this season, conceding the AL West to the Angels and hoping for a brighter future in the seasons to come.

What have the Yankees and Mets done? Absolutely nothing. Hooray!

Thanks in part to the number of changes that went down this week, it’s been pretty stressful for us. You can’t just dump all of this on us without any sort of preparation. You have to ease us into change! Ball players are so selfish sometimes.

The MLB Continues Not to Hire Us

Last week’s poll focused on the Red Sox’s pending decision regarding their new manager. At blogging time, the candidates had been narrowed down to Bobby Valentine and Gene Lamont. Naturally, because we’re jerk offs, we can’t just give you two normal options to choose from and as usual, you did not fail to deliver stupidity. This is why you continue to amuse us. Of the 8 votes, 4 of you wisely chose Serena. Obviously, she is a feisty, intelligent, and no BS kind of girl. She’d make an excellent manager. Unfortunately, she was not even considered for the position, which is a damn shame. Since she has little to no respect for the majority of the players on the Red Sox, she could’ve easily overhauled that lineup and revamped its attitude without adding any new players, saving the franchise a boat load of money! Quite simply, all she would’ve had to do was destroy whatever self-respect and ego these players had, make them feel less like men and more like pathetic and sniveling peons, and then slowly rebuild them into respectable, unselfish, and team-minded athletes. Following the mental renovation, the players would be put on a strict diet and workout regime. There’s no room for overweight and out of shape players on this team. The fried chicken and beer would have to be saved for the off season (hear that, Red Sox bullpen?). The men who crumbled under the pressure clearly do not belong on this redesigned team and would therefore be disposed of as she can’t afford dead weight in the clubhouse. Alas, this will not be so.

This signals the third time that Serena has been rejected for a position with the MLB. You may recall that prior to their financial ruin, Serena had reached out to the Mets offering to be a consultant for the team. She’s pretty confident that her being a Yankees fan had something to do with their lack of responsiveness, but it’s quite clear that they needed her assistance badly. Just look at the mess they got themselves into. She also later applied for a community events position with the Pittsburgh Pirates. She never heard back from them either. Still can’t figure out what went wrong with that one. As a package deal, we recommended our skill sets on several occasions to the MLB, including offering to serve on the panel of experts designated to choose the individuals to fill the open management positions following the 2010 season (including the Mets). We even suggested ourselves as the replacement Kansas City Royals’ mascot after an awkward hot dog incident left the original individual unemployed.

The next runner up in the poll with 3 votes is Buddy the Elf. This is a fine choice as we’re pretty sure that Buddy would pretty much run the Red Sox into the ground, leaving the AL East title wide open for the Yankees. J 1 person went the adult route and chose Bobby Valentine. Boo hiss. No one voted for Gene Lamont. Poor Gene. He’s like the fat kid last to be picked for Dodgeball. It’s okay, Gene. Have some cake.

On the subject of our poll, earlier this week, the Red Sox officially announced Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Awesome. So they’ve traded in a creepy, level 5-looking manager (albeit a good one) for a loud-mouthed, arrogant a-hole. Good times. Valentine’s new role includes a 2-year contract with options for the 2014 and 2015 seasons.

Late Thursday night, the Marlins reached a deal with closer Heath Bell for 3 years, pending a physical (as always). The contract is reportedly worth $27 million. So far, the Marlins have certainly flexed their off season muscles. New name, new stadium, and new tacky uniforms obviously require a new roster, right?

Mariano Rivera had surgery to remove polyps on his vocal cords yesterday at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He won’t be able to speak for a week, but he’ll be fully recovered in one month and the procedure should have zero effect on his pitching ability for the upcoming season.

There has been no update on the Jose Reyes front, though Mets GM Sandy Alderson claims that he plans on reopening talks with the a-hole short stop’s representation during the Winter Meetings, which begin on Monday in Dallas.

Joe Mauer has been busy preparing for the 2012 season after his 2011 season came to a close thanks to a bout of pneumonia. According to Mauer, he’s “healthy and happy.” That’s nice. And reassuring for Twins fans and potential fantasy baseball participants (ahem, Tigers Love Pepper). But what kind of non-elderly person contracts pneumonia?? This still bugs us! What’s next for Mauer? Yellow Fever? Small Pox? Dentures?

Last week, we announced our 2012 stadium tour schedule. While we haven’t been able to buy tickets yet, we’re pretty confident in which games we’d like to go to. In fact, we’ve been so bold as to book our airfare to Toronto thanks to a great deal we found on Black Friday. We’ll be in (Oh) Canada from July 26^th-29^th and plan on seeing the Jays play the Tigers either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The goal is to visit Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, but right now that’s still up in the air. We’ll be able to provide a more definite answer on that in January when Lisa gets her time off approved. Finally, we plan on driving down to DC on Friday, August 31^st or Saturday, September 1^st for a Nationals/Cardinals game. Exciting, exciting. Now we wait with bated breath for single-game tickets to go on sale.

Most Likely To Succeed

In light of the failed How I Met Your Mother poll, we asked this time around which show’s cast you would’ve preferred us to use as a comparison. We’ve ended up with a sea of 1’s. 1 person wants us to do Dexter, 1 wants Weeds, and 1 wants NCIS. 2 of you actually chose The Big Bang Theory. First of all, neither of us are smart enough to pass for scientists. Nerds, yes. Smart nerds? No.  Second of all, we’re not sure which one of us is most like Sheldon and which one of us is most like Leonard, but this process does beg us to ask the question: Why Dexter? Is one of us similar to a serial killer? Or are you more likely to compare us to Debra Morgan or Joey Quinn? No one chose The Office or That 70’s Show.

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time when the MLB announces its year-end awards…much like when you’re a senior in high school and you’re nominated for some stupid yearbook award like, “Best Eyes.” Okay…these awards are a little more meaningful than that, but you get the gist. Up first is the AL Cy Young Award, which unanimously went to the obvious candidate, Justin Verlander. Serena knows from personal experience how valuable Verlander is because thanks to him, Tigers Love Pepper was able to maintain pace in the strikeouts category with her cousin’s fantasy team who was lucky enough to have drafted Tim Lincecum. Every morning after checking the previous evening’s results, Serena pulled a Melissa Gorga and shouted, “Thank you, Jesus” for granting her Justin Verlander. The National League Cy Young Award went to the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw who was among the league’s leaders in opponents’ batting average, innings pitched, complete games, shutouts, and WHIP.

Tampa Bay’s Joe Maddon and Arizona’s Kirk Gibson earned Manager of the Year honors, both managers having successfully pulled playoff spots out of their asses this year. J

Atlanta Braves closer, Craig Kimbrel earned the NL Rookie of the Year Award in a unanimous vote and Tampa Bay pitcher, James Hellickson catapulted to the head of the class in the AL Rookie of the Year category. Kimbrel set a major league record for saves by a rookie with a total of 46. Hellickson went 13-10 this season with a 2.95 ERA and helped solidify the Rays’ Wild Card spot in the playoffs.

The Golden Glove, Silver Slugger, and MVP awards have yet to be issued.

The Marlins have reportedly offered super douche Jose Reyes a deal worth $90 million and 6-years. No word yet as to whether or not the short stop has chosen to accept the offer. Sources claim that the Mets are not down and out yet, provided they’re willing to offer Reyes at least 4-5 years and $20 million a season. If the Mets pay this jack-a-loon that kind of money, they’re a-holes and deserve every piece of bad karma they get. Lisa might actually go postal.

Speaking of the Mets, the Mets are apparently celebrating their 50^th birthday with a commemorative logo and several promotional events during the upcoming season. Seriously? There are people who turn 50 each year and don’t even want to tell people that they’re reaching that milestone. Mamadukes disappeared to Greece for several weeks when she turned 50. The least the Mets could’ve done was wait til’ they turned 65 so that we could celebrate the fact that the team was now eligible for senior citizen discounts. They need the money.

Well…it’s official. The MLB is adding a second Wild Card to each league, a decision that could be implemented as soon as this upcoming season. Puke. Puke. Puke. We suppose this means that 80% of the AL East will be heading to the playoffs each year then, yes? While the format of this extra Wild Card round hasn’t yet been finalized, there are talks that the added round would include a one-game playoff to take place right before the Division Series and feature the “runner up” teams from each league…which means this one-game playoff is an interleague game. What the hell? This is stupid. The playoffs are about eliminating the best of each league before the leagues finally face off in the World Series. Who is the brainiac behind this asstastic idea?

The Houston Astros are going to be sold to a group headed by businessman Jim Crane for $610 million. The deal means that the Astros will be kissing the National League good-bye and heading over to the American League at the start of the 2013 season, giving each league 15 teams.

In terrible news, the Twins are currently examining their options at first base just in case Justin Morneau is not completely healthy at the start of the season. In addition to the incessant concussion symptoms that have been plaguing him these last few seasons, Morneau has undergone multiple surgeries related to injuries to his neck, left wrist, left knee, and right foot. He is a hot mess. Morneau’s ailments may be related to Puppy Cradle Death Syndrome…meaning that Serena’s appreciation of (we’re not going to lower ourselves to suggest that it’s an obsession because it’s clearly not) his combined defensive and offensive talent (which is so rare these days! So few men can do both well!) has caused Morneau to feel suffocated, which has naturally led to a deterioration of his physical and mental health.

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

Use the Force for Good!

I am just a lonely co-pilot today. Captain Serena is off working the Autism Speaks walk at Jones Beach today. There she is helping to raise lots of money and awareness for a great cause as well as stalking Star Wars storm troopers and jumping on jump jumps. They are so conveniently part of the entertainment for today’s event. I wonder who was in charge of hiring them. Mhmmmmmmmm! In the fine words of your brother “Serena your five”! I too helped out for the Autism Speaks foundation by being the honorary bagel delivery girl! My car now has the tantalizing scent of garlic from picking up 5 large garbage bags of bagels that was so nicely donated from Town bagel of Bellmore and Plainview for the walk. I wish Autism Speaks lots of luck on the walk today!!

Moving onto our poll results. Glad to see there is only one a**hat among the voters last week. We had asked you minions “Who had celebrated victory better? Six of you voted for “The Diamondbacks were so dull it makes me think the entire roster is bad in the sack” We agree! Not to be dirty birds but shaking a champagne bottle is the same motion as well…. You do the movement and let me know what it reminds you of. Go ahead do it now I’ll wait… Now that we all have perverted thoughts in our heads we can go on. If that’s a glimpse of what’s going down in the boudoir then it’s true you all must be bad in the sack. One malicious person voted for “The TBB are stupid. Go Diamondbacks!” Well we think you’re stupid AND were pretty sure you’re probably bad in the sack. You seem to be taking out your sexual frustrations on two innocent females. I mean c’mon did you see our Epic photo. If that photo does not scream celebration then I don’t know what does. We are too legit too legit to quit. Shakalaka Shakalaka !

Baseball Notes:

Jose Reyes needs a lesson in baseball etiquette. On Wednesday at the last NY Mets game of the season Reyes bunted the second pitch he got in the first inning once he was safe at first he then took himself out of the game. This sneaky move basically won him the Nl batting title as well as the first batting title for the NY Mets team. Reyes was up against Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun who would have had to have gotten 3 hits on Wednesday night and sadly went 0-4. It was reported that fans booed Reyes which I could not agree more. Fans pay a lot of money to go to these games and to even hope to witness something special and you pull that bullsh*t. This is why it makes it so hard for me to be a fan of you again. Who are you Reyes? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
When Reyes was asked about his covert operation he was quoted as saying this- “They have to understand what's going on," Reyes said. "They have to feel happy if I win the batting title. I do it for the team and for the fans, too” No you did not do it for the fans. I am pretty confident that most Mets fans like me could careless if a Mets player took the NL batting title. I would much rather see hmmm… I don’t know maybe a miraculous appearance in the playoffs and for the team to win the NL East Division again. Let’s not kid ourselves Jose you did it so that you could get more money from hopefully some other team next season now that you have this lame title under your belt. Don’t use us poor fans as an excuse for your poor sportsmanship! I am making Ryan Braun Super Hero of the week for when he was asked about the situation he was extremely classy about it something Jose Reyes knows nothing about!

Besides buntgate happening on Wednesday. Wednesday night proved to be quit the entertaining night. Many baseball fans eagerly waited to see the playoff matchups with both Wild Card division titles still up for grabs. The St Louis Cardinals would go ahead and lay the smack down on the Houston Astros winning 8-0. The Cardinals eagerly awaited the results of the Braves vs Phillies matchup. A Braves lost would send Albert and the boys on there merry way to the playoffs and that is precisely what had happened. Atlanta lost 4-3 to Philadelphia in 13 innings. Speaking of Extra innings the Rays were battling it out with the Yankees while Boston went on and lost to the last place Baltimore Orioles. Boston’s only hope was ironically to root on their arch nemesis the Yankees for a Tampa Bay loss would cause a one game Wild Card playoff between them to decide the AL Wild Card winner.

As we all know since it is Sunday and the playoffs are happening as we speak that did not happen. Evan Longoria crashed Boston’s pipe dream when he hit a walk off homer. I am so happy that for once it was not the NY Mets that CHOKED this year! They took themselves out as early as opening day so I was well prepared for failure this year. Feel my pain Braves and Red Sox fans. Doesn’t feel so good does it? So ladies and gents our first round playoff match ups are as followed.

Tigers vs Yankees

Rays vs Rangers

Diamondbacks vs Brewers

St Louis vs Phillies

On Thursday it was announced that the Chicago White Soxs have parted ways with manager Ozzie Guillen by trading him to the Florida Marlins for two minor Leaguers Jhan Marinez and Osvaldo Martinez. Marinez, a 23-year-old right-hander, finished the season in Double-A Jacksonville. He went 3-8 with a 3.57 ERA and three saves in 56 games. He struck out 74 and walked 42 in 58 innings. Martinez, a 23-year-old shortstop, hit .245 with three homers and 26 RBIs in 88 games with Triple-A New Orleans this year. I had no clue you could trade a manager. If I knew this I would of so tried to talk the Mets into trading Jerry Manuel for some little league players.

Terry Francona manger of the Boston Red Sox who led the club to its first two World Series championships since 1918 will not be returning next season. Francona said multiple times it was his decision not to return. The Red Sox held option years for Francona for the next two seasons, and had until Oct. 8 to decide to pick up the 2012 pact, which would have paid him $4.25 million. Francona met with general manager Theo Epstein on Thursday which just so happened to be the day after the Red Sox managed to blow a 9 game lead in the standings in September and not make it to the post season. Now that’s an Epic collapse!! I’m thinking that’s far worse then any Mets collapse I had to deal with. Francona was asked if he would consider improving some of his techniques, rather than stepping down. He indicated that one reason he didn't do that is because he didn't know if ownership was as much behind him as in years past. Farewell Francona I wish you well!

Exciting news is that the TBB attended game 1 of the Yankees vs Tigers game not once but twice. Due to the Asstastic weather in New York our game was postponed and we had to trug on out to the boogie down Bronx again on Saturday night. Keep your eyes peeled for that post!

So as of Saturday night here are the teams that have taken the lead. The Yankees took game one last night against the Tigers. The Rays and Rangers are now tied after playing game two. St Louis disappointed me losing to the Fugly Phillies. Phillies lead 1-0. The Brewers won last night and lead the series against the Diamondbacks.

Late breaking news here! I got a text from Serena that Darth Vader is at the Autism Speaks walk at Jones beach! Go get Darth Serena! Use the force!

That’s all folks enjoy October baseball!!!

-Lisa

Blockbuster Baseball

The weekend we’ve all been waiting patiently for is finally upon us. The baseball regular season kicks off Sunday night when the defending champs, the New York Yankees take on the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park. Anyone else think it’s weird that the team who won the World Series is starting their season on the road? Anyway, we digress. In celebration of Opening Day kicking off on Sunday, we‘ve compiled a list of our favorite all-time baseball movies. We’re aware that some of you may agree whole-heartedly with our choices, while others may find our choices puzzling. You may even feel that we’ve forgotten a few obvious classics. That being said, we’ll get this one out of the way now: The Natural is not on here. Please bear in mind that this list consists of our favorites. Don’t get us wrong. The Natural is a great movie, but it’s just not one of our favorites. In fact, there are many great movies that will not be listed and that doesn’t mean that we don’t enjoy them. We thought about specific criteria before choosing which movies to discuss. When flipping through channels on a lazy Saturday afternoon, if we stumble upon a particular movie on TBS, TNT, etc, will we always stop and watch it, regardless of where in the film it is? Or hesitate for a moment before deciding to see what else is on before committing? For a favorite flick, there could be 15 minutes left and we’ll still stop and watch. The need to watch it over and over again is what constitutes a favorite. No matter how many times you’ve seen it, the movie still touches you the same way and you still laugh (or cry) at the same parts with as much gusto as you did the first time you saw it.

However, before we get into the thick of things, we must present to you our poll results. We’d hate leave you wanting. How could you live with yourselves not knowing the results of our weekly polls? 8 whole people voted this week. Welcome back, baseball fans. We’ve missed you. We asked what you were most looking forward to this season. No one is apparently excited by the thought of “Tiny” Tim Lincecum winning three straight NL Cy Young Awards. Is that because you just assume that it will happen? 1 person can’t wait to see if the Mariners have finally returned to form and are primed to give the Angels a run for their money in the AL West. We certainly feel that it’s time for that damn rally monkey to step down. The majority of voters (3) would like to see the Mets bounce back from their terrible 2009 season. You and us both, kids. 2 people are interested to see how Phil Hughes pans out as a 5th starter for the Yankees. Only 1 person really cares whether or not the Twins can recover from the loss of Joe Nathan and sadly, only 1 person wants to see Ken Griffey Jr. make a man out of Milton Bradley. C’mon, folks! This is the stuff that Lifetime original movies are made of!

And now, without further ado, we bring to you our favorite baseball movies. Like our blog regarding our favorite players, we’ve split the categories into “TBB’s Favorites,” “Lisa’s Favorites,” and “Serena’s Favorites.”

The Traveling Baseball Babes’ Favorites:

Major League 1
Release Date: April 7, 1989

Cast: Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), Charlie Sheen (Rick Vaughn), Corbin Bernsen (Roger Dorn), James Gammon (Lou Brown), Rene Russo (Lynn Wells), Wesley Snipes (Willie Mays Hays), Dennis Haysbert (Pedro Cerrano), and Bob Uecker (Harry Doyle)

Major League is the adult version of The Bad News Bears. It never fails to make us laugh so hard that we lose bladder control like old women in a nursing home. The Indians’ announcer, Harry Doyle is legitimately the best character in history. We would love for Harry Doyle to work either for SNY or the Yes Network. That would make every Mets or Yankees game epic. Indians’ manager, Lou Brown is basically a less classy version of Lou Piniella. One of his many vulgar actions includes peeing on Roger Dorn’s contract. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Honestly, the memorable quotes section should speak for itself and that’s just a smattering of pearls from the film. Our words cannot compare with those of Harry Doyle, Rick Vaughn, or Lou Brown.

Memorable Quotes:
(As Rick Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle) Pepper Leach to Lou Brown: Look at this f*cking guy.

Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Jake Taylor (to Charlie Donovan after he calls to ask Jake if he’d like a chance to play for the Cleveland Indians): Is that you, Tolbert? Look. I’m hung over, my knees are killing me, and if you’re going to pull this shit, at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.

(Following a grand slam Vaughn has just given up after walking three straight batters) Pepper Leach: You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: No. Keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts.
(Vaughn hits the next batter)
Lou: Interesting.

Major League 2
Release Date: March 30, 1994

Cast: Charlie Sheen (Rick Vaughn), Tom Berenger (Jake Taylor), Corbin Bernsen (Roger Dorn), Dennis Haysbert (Pedro Cerrano), James Gammon (Lou Brown), Omar Epps (Willie Mays Hays), and Eric Bruskotter (Rube Baker)

Probably the only sequel that is just as good as the first. Our only complaint is that Wesley Snipes didn’t return for the role of Willie Mays Hays. Omar Epps just didn’t cut it.

Where can we begin? Jack Parkman is the perfect douche, Rube is the perfect idiot hick/rookie (we could literally have an entire blog posting dedicated to the gems that come out of his mouth), Roger Dorn is even more pansy than in the first, and Randy Quaid is a more disgruntled fan than we are. These, TBB fans, are our people.

We do not recommend Major League 3: Back to the Minors. While Brother has tried to argue some of the finer points of the flick, but it just doesn’t live up to its predecessors. Rube (the only returning character) simply cannot carry the entire plot alone even though we love him dearly.

Memorable Quotes:
Jack Parkman: What do you call that garbage?
Rick Vaughn: It’s my eliminator. I’ve got another pitch. You get a piece of it, I’ll let you name it.
(Parkman hits the pitch out of the park)
Jack Parkman: I’d, uh, call it the masturbator.

Rube Baker: Women. You can’t live with them and they can’t pee standing up.

Rube Baker: My momma always said, “It’s better to eat shit than to not eat at all.”

Harry Doyle: You know I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A’s. It’s amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy. (Covers the mic) He’s still a dick.

A League of Their Own
Release Date: July 1, 1992

Cast: Geena Davis (Dottie Hinson), Tom Hanks (Jimmy Dugan), Madonna (Mae Mordabito), Lori Petty (Kit Keller), Rosie O’Donnell (Doris Murphy), and Jon Lovitz (Ernie Capadino).

To this day, hearing Madonna’s “This Used to Be My Playground” makes us think of A League of Their Own. Although it has its comedic moments (Jon Levitz, in general, is hilarious in all of his scenes), the movie tugs at your heart strings. The film is the story of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League. These women were athletes in a time where men dominated sports. Females should feel empowered by this film and by what these admirable women had been able to accomplish during this time period. They established a precedence that has allowed younger female generations to pursue their dreams, on the field and off.

We don’t care what anyone says, but Dottie totally shouldn’t have dropped that ball on purpose when Kit decided to go for a home run instead of a triple. This may make us seem like terrible sisters, but Kit should’ve been satisfied with a triple when there was clearly no way in hell she was going to be safe at home and with the game on the line no less! Someone’s gotta win. Someone’s gotta lose. That’s how it works. Dottie sacrificed the hard work of her teammates for her selfish, whining little sister. That’s all we’re going to say about that one. At this stage, you probably hate us even more (if that’s possible) for being evil, cruel bitches, but we don’t care. We’re through with trying to impress you people.

Finally, if you don’t like this movie, you’re an a-hole.

Memorable Quotes:
Mae: Hi, my name's Mae and that's more than a name, it's an attitude.

Kid: What's your rush, doll body? What do you say we slip in the back seat and make a man out of me?

Dottie: What do you say I smack you around for a while?

Kid: Can't we do both?

Walter Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy. You still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.

Walter Harvey: You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, there was a fire.

Walter Harvey: Which you started. Which I had to pay for.

Jimmy Dugan: Well, now. I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.

Dottie: Lay off the high ones!

Kit: I like the high ones!

Dottie: Mule!

Kit: Nag!

Ernie Capadino: Are you coming? See, how it works is, the train moves, not the station.

Jimmy Dugan: There’s no crying in baseball.
Umpire: What’s the matter, Jimmy?
Jimmy Dugan: She’s crying, sir
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.

Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a ***** with that little hat on?

Honorable Mentions: For the Love of the Game, Pride of the Yankees, 61*, Rookie of the Year, and Bad News Bears (the original)

Lisa’s Favorites:

Angels in the Outfield
Release Date: July 15, 1994

Cast: Danny Glover (George Knox), Tony Danza (Mel Clark), Christopher Lloyd (Al “The Boss” Angel), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Roger Bomman)

I adore Angels in the outfield (Disney version) and Everybody's Hero. Yes they are both kids’ movies and I don't know if that means I am young at heart or that my brain is that of an 8 yr old. You can decide that. Both movies are extremely light and fluffy. They are similar in which you have a hero overcomes an obstacle in the end and the happy ending leaves you all warm and fuzzy inside. No not that kind of happy ending. Get your mind out off the gutter people. You are better then that.

Who doesn’t love watching the underdog finally coming through? Thank god for movies because I will never see it with my team of choice. In Angels in the Outfield, being the huge sap that I am, I still get a knot in my throat when the characters start flapping their arms in the field. I won't spoil the ending, but everyone does live happily ever after.

Memorable Quotes:
George Knox:[the Angels have lost their fifteenth straight game] One more loss! One more loss which could've been a win! And you call yourselves professionals. I have never, ever seen a worse group of twenty-five players! You don't think as a team, you don't play as a team, you don't even LOSE as a team! You've all got your heads so far up your butts, you can't even see the light of day! One more loss and I... I'll do this... [throws a chair at a rack of bats] to each and everyone of you!

George Knox: There's a thing called "talent." They don't have it.

Mapel: We do it all summer / And it's a big bummer / No matter who we play / We give the game away./'Cause we can't win / That would be a sin / We even lose the games / before they begin...

George Knox: Save it, Mapel!

Everyone’s Hero
Release Date: September 15, 2006

Cast: William H. Macy (Lefty Maginnis), Rob Reiner (Screwie), Jake T. Austin (Yankee Irving), Brian Dennehy (Babe Ruth), Whoopi Goldberg (Darlin’), Robin Williams (Napoleon Cross) and Mandy Patinkin (Stanley Irving)

Everyone’s Hero is a charming cartoon about the story of a die hard fan and Babe Ruth’s bat. I love cartoons and it’s a cartoon about baseball no less. Score !!!! I like the fairy tale endings that these two movies give you. The feeling that anything is possible with hard work and sometimes all you gotta do is just believe. Yes I said it and I am aware that it was extremely corny for me since I am a Mets fan, but you do. Ya just gotta believe! :)

Memorable Quotes:
Yankee Irving: [Yankee and Darlin' have just had a bonding moment] Thanks, Darlin'.

Darlin':No, no. Thank you, Yankee.

Screwie:Oh, brother! You could pour this stuff on pancakes!

Announcer:And it just goes to show you... You can be the smallest, you can be the weakest, you can be the worst player on the field, but when people tell you you're no good, and say you should give it up, you know what you do? You just keep on swinging.

Bully Kid Tubby: Hey, look. A baseball.

Screwie: Hey, look. The missing link.

Serena’s Favorites:

Bull Durham
Release Date: June 15, 1988

Cast: Kevin Costner (Crash Davis), Susan Sarandon (Annie Savoy), and Tim Robbins (Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh

What’s not to love about Bull Durham? In addition to it being one of my favorite baseball movies, it’s in my list of top five movies of all time. Every single piece of dialogue from that film is quote worthy and while I would’ve loved to include the entire script under “Memorable Quotes,” I didn’t think it practical. I found the DVD in the bargain bin at Borders for $5. Easily one of the best investments of my life. I might actually hold it higher than my college education (I said, “might,” Mom).

There are two dynamic relationships developed in this movie that I am addicted to. The first and foremost is the relationship between Crash and Annie. The chemistry and sexual tension between the two is both comical and explosive. My favorite scene between them takes place at the batting cages. Crash finally asks Annie while she’s in the cage taking swings, “Last chance. Your place or mine?” She replies (best answer ever), “Despite my rejection of most Judeo-Christian ethics, I am, within the framework of the baseball season, monogamous.” So is the essence of their entire relationship before it culminates in the most fantastic, hilarious, and “major” sex scenes ever. Yes. Scenes, plural. For those of you who’ve seen the movie, you know what I am talking about.

The second relationship is the one between Crash and Nuke. Crash knows his days of playing in “The Show” are over, but Nuke is young and talented, if green and Crash finds him self in the forced role of playing Nuke’s mentor. The portrayed “Teacher/Student” relationship has been done many different times and in many different ways, but the meaning behind it is essentially the same. The veteran takes the rookie under his wing and grooms him to become the best person that he can be. When Nook asks Crash why he doesn’t like him and Crash replies, “Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift…but you’re pissing it away,” it provides the basis of where their relationship is destined to progress toward.

This movie is basically a baseball lover’s movie. Crash represents what we want in a ball player and there just aren’t enough of those men in the game today.

Memorable Quotes:
(Trust me, it was tough for me to narrow this down)

Crash: Relax, alright? Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls- it’s more democratic.

Nuke: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash: He did know
Nuke: How?
Crash: I told him

Crash: Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once- the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show? Someone else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the woman all have long legs and brains.

Crash: Well, I believe in the soul, […], the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days…
Annie: Oh my…

Nuke: A good friend of mine used to say, “This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.” Think about that for awhile.

Crash: If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you ARE! And you should know that! (Long pause) Come on, Annie. Think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.

Annie: I want you.

Sandlot
Release Date: April 7, 1993

Cast: Tom Guiry (Scotty Smalls), Mike Vitar (Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez), Patrick Renna (Hamilton “Ham” Porter), Chauncey Leopardi (Michael “Squints” Palledorous), Marty York (Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan), Denis Leary (Bill), Karen Allen (Mom), and James Earl Jones (Mr. Mertle)

This is another movie that provides the stone base for the altar dedicated to baseball lovers. People who love more than just their professional baseball team and truly find joy in the dirt of baseball fields and in the warm smells of their worn leather mitts will find nostalgia in Sandlot. People who’ve played baseball (or softball) their whole lives know the happiness of simply playing a pick-up game in the park with their friends or family for hours on end. Are there many better ways to spend your summer days than that? I’m not sure that there is.

Like in Bull Durham, we have the “Teacher/Student” relationship, only this time played out in the form of Benny and Smalls. Smalls is an awkward, nerdy kid new to town without friends or any athletic ability to speak of. Benny is charismatic, confident, and very talented. Unlike most boys his age with the talent and popularity that he has, Benny is also generous, patient, and kind. He takes Smalls under his wing and introduces him to the game of baseball, against the advice and complaints of his other friends. Thanks to Benny’s encouragement, Smalls develops a better sense of self-worth, a close network of friends that he certainly never would’ve made without the help of Benny, and becomes a better ball player.

Had it not been for softball, I never would’ve met my best friend, Erin. I don’t know what life would actually be like without her in it. I know that when I am not with her, I am half of myself. Would not knowing Erin mean that I’d be a half empty vessel on the constant mission of seeking something to fill that space? I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, but I do know that I am not willing to find out. No matter how many times I see Sandlot, I get misty eyed at the end of the movie when Adult Smalls is calling the game from the announcer’s booth and Adult Benny (now playing for the Dodgers) steals home. The scene ends with the men exchanging thumbs up signs, followed by the camera panning to a framed photograph on the wall of the boys standing in the sandlot. It sends chills up my spine.

Memorable Quotes:
Squints: It’s about time, Benny. My clothes are goin’ outta style!

Ham: Hey, Smalls! You wanna s’more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham: No. Do you wanna s’more?
Smalls: I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham: You’re killing me, Smalls! These are s’more stuff! Alright. Now pay attention. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the ‘mallow. When the ‘mallow’s flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good! Try it!

Ham: PLAY BALL! Hurry up, batter. This better be a short game. I gotta get home for lunch.

Ham: You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

Squints: Where did your old man get that ball?
Smalls: I don’t know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it. Ruth. Baby Ruth.
All: BABE RUTH?

On to the baseball notes for this week: Last season, we mentioned an ambidextrous pitcher named Pat Venditte hiding within the Yankees organization. On Tuesday, Venditte showed off his ambi-skills against the Braves, allowing only 1 run over the course of 1 1/3 innings during the 9-6 split squad loss. He took over for CC Sabathia in the 5th and switched hands depending on whether he was facing a righty or a lefty. He gave up 2 hits and a walk. He is scheduled to begin the season at Class A Tampa. Team officials have concluded that out of caution, Jose Reyes (A-hole #2) ought to focus on getting into baseball shape and not be rushed for Mets Opening Day. As you may recall, A-hole #2 had been previously idle for 3 weeks due to a hyperactive thyroid. Apparently Daniel Murphy will also open the Mets season on the disabled list with a grade 1 knee sprain, securing a spot for hottie Mike Jacobs on the Opening Day roster. For making it to Opening Day roster and having the most bitable ass in the Mets lineup, Mike Jacobs is this week’s Super Hero! Congrats, Mike! You certainly earned it! Keep doing those lunges and squat thrusts. They’re definitely paying off. By the way, can someone please explain WTF a grade 1 knee sprain is? Is there a pre-school knee sprain as well? Murphy is expected to miss 2-6 weeks. Since he has so much free time now, he should friend request us on Facebook. Rockies’ closer, Huston Street, has had another setback in his quest to overcome the stiffness in his right shoulder that has been plaguing him all spring. This is the third time that Street’s been shut down so far and he’ll naturally, open the season on the DL. We’ll be more than happy to straddle him if it’ll make his shoulder feel better. We’ll take one for the Rockies with pleasure. LHP Franklin Morales, who filled in for Street last September, will cover the 9th inning duties in the interim.

We’ll be at the Main Event on Sunday to kick off the baseball season and of course, drink beers like the classy ladies that we are *insert loud belch* and take part in devouring the Olympic Sampler.

Lisa and Papa L. will be in attendance for Mets Opening Day on Monday, April 5th. Be sure to check back sometime next week before our regularly scheduled Friday posting because she’ll be posting pictures of the game.

Finally, we’d like to wish a Happy Birthday, #1 Fan Steph & Daniel Murphy and wish all of you a very Happy Bunny-rific Easter!

In a Baseball State of Mind

While Serena frolicked around the streets of Los Angeles with Erin, Lisa asked if you ever took what sports commentators said seriously. While we are happy that more people voted this time around (8 total), it saddens us to relay the outcome of this poll. 1 person actually thinks that sports commentators are the wisest people ever. Really? Okay, you sole survivor, you must not have many intelligent friends or perhaps you never actually paid attention and listened to a game, subjecting yourself to ongoing rants about crap that have nothing to do with the players or the team. At least our rants are baseball-related! If this is the case, we forgive you. Or maybe you’re an out of stater whose team actually has an acceptable announcer’s booth. If so, we’re jealous! 2 of our fine feathered friends chose to watch the game on mute. We happen to do the same. Sometimes when we are watching the game, we pretend that our Coors Light bottles are microphones and we report on what’s shaking on the field...to absolutely no one. At this stage, Brother usually vacates the house in a hurry. We think that we’ve become quite good at announcing, with only the small, itty bitty hiccup of needing a beep button to regularly cut out the cursing. Is that really so bad? We love Ron Darling on SNY and Paul O’Neil’s special guest appearances on YES, but other than these exceptions, please, Keith Hernandez and Michael Kay, stop making our ears bleed! We beg you! Bobby Murcer, we miss you! The last choice won in a landslide with 5 votes and this is somewhat disconcerting to us. The option was “Maybe. I have patience. After all I do read this blog.” Do you really hate us or something? I mean we joke around that you guys do, but now we’re thinking that our joking was just a way to disguise the truth and this realization kind of hurts. The TBB are not entirely insensitive. We do actually have feelings. Don't be cruel to a heart that’s true (insert Elvis lip curl).

Tomorrow is D-Day. The time for the St. Jude’s Ab Challenge is upon us. Last year, Serena completed 5, 591 crunches in an hour. With a newly developed sore throat, she’s under no illusion that she’s going to blow this total out of the water. She’ll settle for hitting 6,000 this time. To celebrate, we’re hoping that Mamadukes is open to hitting up the closest IHOP for face stuffing (ahem, Mamadukes, are you reading this?). While Lisa dreams of the breakfast sampler, Serena hopes to sleep on a bed of glorious pancakes (hmmm…imagine if Bon Jovi’s song had been a Bed of Pancakes instead of Roses? Would he still have slept on a bed of nails?). Wish us luck, people!

Now onto more pressing news: baseball. On Tuesday, Cliff Lee said that he still felt some pain in his strained abdomen following his first on field test of the injury and he has no idea when he’ll be able to get on the mound again. Yikes! Is it possible that he may not be ready when the Mariners start their season at Oakland on April 5th?

Terry Francona announced on Wednesday that the x-rays on second baseman, Dustin Pedroia’s sprained left wrist were negative. He’ll most likely return to the lineup today. Sorry. We’ve got no sympathy for the Duke of the royal MLB Whiner’s Court.

A-hole #2 (aka: Jose Reyes. Until he proves himself as being the player he once was, he’ll remain A-hole #2) returned to the lineup on Wednesday. Look at that. Round of applause for going back to work. Hoorah. Reyes has been out due to elevated thyroid hormone levels. It is still a question weather or not he will be able to play on opening day but it's still progress. Reyes states that he has been following directions (a huge step for Reyes, as far as we’re concerned) and doing everything that he’s told. For example, he has been instructed to stay away from seafood, mostly shellfish, as well as Chinese food. They believe that this may have been the cause for his elevated levels. Looks like no lunch special #5 for Reyes. Boo hoo.

With just over a week to go before the start of the baseball season, Joe Girardi finally revealed that Phil Hughes will take on the role of the Yankees’ fifth starter. Hughes managed to beat out Joba Chamberlain, Alfredo Aceves, Sergio Mitre, and Chad Gaudin, who was released yesterday. His improved change up is what supposedly tipped the scales in his favor and we all know how Serena simply loves a good change up (why do you think she’s remained loyal to Zito for so long? DON’T say his good looks). Now if only Hughes could imitate Zito’s curve ball. Whooooooo! Serena just might slap him (in a good, loving way, not an abusive, scary, he better get a restraining order kind of way). Hughes’ hard work paid off and this is why he is this week’s Super Hero of the Week!

After spending most of his preseason visiting doctors and performing exercises to relieve his ailing back, Orioles’ second baseman, Brian Roberts, will at long last see some action in his first spring training game tonight when the Orioles take on the Twins. Roberts hopes to start in the Orioles’ season opener against the Rays on April 6th.

Our last tid bit of news involves a man that might actually bump Carlos Beltran from his title of A-hole #1. Shocking, we know. Apparently, Milton Bradley (just typing his name right there brings a snarl to our lips), compares himself to Kanye West and Ron Artest, saying “in baseball, they’ve got Milton Bradley. I’m that guy. You need people like me so you can point your finger and go, ‘There goes the bad guy.’” First of all, why are you an idiot who consistently refers to himself in the third person? Second of all, why is this stigma something you’re proud of? We don’t need another dirt bag in professional sports. You’re giving it to us out of your own free will. Sorry, Milton, but we’re all stocked up here. Bradley’s already been ejected twice in 3 Mariners spring games last week. Really, dude? The season hasn’t even started. What the hell are you doing? Hopefully, being around a class act like Ken Griffey Jr. will straighten him up. Perhaps Griffey can teach Bradley the fine art of minding his manners and keeping his damn mouth shut! Here’s a tip, Milton: Maybe if you kept your mouth shut and just played ball, you wouldn’t have to be the Kanye West of baseball. If Griffey can turn Bradley into a quasi-gentleman, we’ll dub him Super Hero of the YEAR!

In honor of Super Hero of the Week, Phil Hughes, we’re parting ways with you to the fine words of Phil Collins (even though the original is technically by Diana Ross): “you can't hurry baseball. Oh, you just have to wait. Baseball season comes in April and it's a game of give or take. How long must we wait? How much more can we take before loneliness will cause our heart to break?”