Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2012

After running the Runyon 5K at Yankees Stadium on Sunday, we actually sucked it up and blogged despite being very tired. We had a lot to cover over the following weeks so we asked you what you were most excited to hear about. Sadly, only 5 people voted. Only 2 f*cking people gave a crap about Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! TWO! Our blog is practically dedicated to this man and you don't even give a crap about his holiday. 3 of you wanted to hear about the Mickey Mantle exhibit at Yankees Stadium (which is not very large so we don't know why you're so passionate about it). NO ONE wanted to hear about our experience running a 5K at Yankees Stadium. Are you freakin' kidding us? We ran on the damn warning track...for cancer! And we did it disabled. Lisa had the Black Lung and Serena had shin splints. The course included 4 million stairs or some sh*t like that and we were not allowed to use the elevator. You people are so damn selfish.

Welcome to the 4th Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Boy, have we had some good times with Timmy this past year. It's insane how much we've done with him. We're not sure how we're going top this next year. For starters, he joined us at the the Superbowl Parade to celebrate the New York Giants defeat of the New England Patriots. Even though he's not from New York, he's quite fond of Eli Manning and flying toilet paper.

As you can see, in the offseason, Timmy is a little broader. You'll find out why in the Fun Facts Section. After the parade, we headed over to McGee's, which is the inspiration for McLaren's Irish Pub in How I Met Your Mother. Tim's favorite character on the show is Marshall.

To celebrate the 50th Anniversary of James Bond, Serena threw a Casino Royale party. An avid Bond fan, Timmy was in attendance. He's great at counting cards. He kicked all of our asses at BlackJack. As we all know, Lisa has a gambling problem and lost all of her chips. She had to borrow from Timmy.

At the end of the evening, after we all had too much to drink, he cuddled with Serena.

In March, Jess and Timmy celebrated Serena's birthday with us Atlantic City-style. Timmy came up with the idea of having a cross-dressing evening, which is why we're in suits and and Timmy is in that lovely sparkling green dress that Jess loaned him for the night. We smoked cigars and drank scotch while Timmy smoked his Parliament Lights from a cigarette holder and drank cosmos all evening.

St. Patrick's Day was so amazing, we can barely remember it. Timmy made us do Jameson shots, which as everyone knows, is an instant pants dropper. That's why Serena woke up the next day with her skirt hiked up around her boobs. There may or may not have been an awkward threesome that evening. We cannot confirm or deny this as we had too much to drink and cannot remember.

Just a few weekends ago, we returned to Atlantic City to celebrate Maureen's bachelorette party. Timmy was allowed to join us girls because he's like one of the girls anyway. He tried to convince us to do a cross-dressing evening again, but it was just getting weird, so we declined. He, however, insisted that he wear a dress. Not totally sure why.

It's time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section! Did you know....
...that Timmy has worn his ratty-looking cap in every major league game that he has ever pitched in? It's a superstition. Rumor has it that the cap doesn't stink despite not being washed. It is said that he had an investigative reporter sniff it for proof. He is a rare young man that knows what Febreeze is for.
...that at age 14, he could do a back flip from standing start?
...that he can walk across the room on his hands? It makes Lisa happy to see him do this.
...that he often made his little league all star teams, but didn't start?
...that in 2011, Tim packed on 20 lbs., hoping to improve his endurance? It didn't work, so he quit eating fast food and dropped the weight during the offseason. Maybe if he had tried gaining weight by adding muscle, he would've had different results?
...that Tim made his high school varsity golf team even though he had only played 27 holes when he tried out?
...that Tim got a new puppy? He named it Kayo in honor of his grandfather who was a boxer.
...that in 2011, Tim passed Christy Mathewson as the all-time leader in double-digit strikeout games?
...that he is the first Giant to have 4 consecutive seasons off 200+ strikeouts?
...that in 2011, Tim became just the 6th pitcher since 1900 to have a losing record despite recording 200 strikeouts and posting an ERA under 2.75?
...that for a typical meal at In-N-Out, he eats 3 double doubles without lettuce or tomato, 2 orders of fries, and a chocolate-strawberry milkshake for a total of approximately 3,100 calories? F*CK YOU, Timmy! You should be a fat ass! We're sorry, we shouldn't have yelled at you like that. We love you.
...that if you had looked under the bill of his cap when he pitched for the University of Washington, you would've seen 161 slash marks neatly tallied in rows representing each strikeout he recorded in 112 innings as a freshman?
...that Tim does a dead-on impression of Gollum from Lord of the Rings? It never fails to creep Serena out.
...that he has sung verses of Bobby Brown's "My Perogative" on a Seattle-area sports radio program?

We hope that you've enjoyed this year's Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! It's now time for this week's installment of Baseball Notes! Melky Cabrera seriously f*cked up. He's now serving a 50-game suspension that will cause him to miss the rest of the season and part of next season for testing positive for testoserone, a performance-enhancing substance. Don't men just produce testoserone? Why did he need extra? Was his facial hair not growing fast enough for him? He will not be paid during this suspension and Serena has angrily dropped him from Tigers Love Pepper. A-hole!

Derek Lowe is the newest addition to the New York Yankees pitching staff. He signed the contract on Monday, two weeks after being designated for assignment by the Cleveland Indians. Lowe pitched 4 shut-out innings in Monday night's game against Texas, giving him his first regular season save since 2001 while with Boston.

Starting next week, Citi Field and Yankees Stadium will function as the guinea pigs for a new instant replay system that will judge balls hit down each foul line. Eventually, they're going to expand the system's usage to track balls hit to the outfield to judge whether or not the ball was trapped. Fantastic. So the MLB is now the NFL. Will there also be a 2 minute timeout? Flags on the play? Will managers be able to throw a challenge flag? The MLB is just dicking around with the game too much now. Instant replay on home runs, additional wild card teams, and now instant replays on foul balls and balls hit to the outfield? What's next? Reviews of stolen bases and plays at first base? Cut the sh*t, Bud Selig. Cut the sh*t. The game is long enough as it is.

Brian Smells Like a Monkey

Entering Week 4 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email. We understand that he may have a lot on his plate what with foot rehab and all, but c’mon, bro. If you’re not going to reply to us, find the time to at least shave your moustache.

Last week, we asked your thoughts about our torture strategy of sweater vest-wearing Brian. We wanted to know if we should continue prank calling Brian until the Fred K’s Cancer t-shirts were paid for. Of 13 individuals, 6 people felt that we should do it because, “Screw Brian. This is to support balls and mouth cancer!” Interesting choice of words, wouldn’t you say? Only 2 of you felt sorry for Brian because “What the hell did this Brian ever do to you?” These 2 votes probably belong to Brian and his girlfriend, so we feel that this data is biased and therefore, skewed. We’ll tell you what “this Brian” did to us. He stole 54 pictures of us for a PowerPoint presentation and did absolutely nothing with them as far as we can tell. He didn’t even share them with his business partner. Honestly, he probably just deleted the 4 emails we sent filled with our kick ass pictures because he’s lazy. 5 people simply wanted to know who Brian was. Who cares who Brian is? He wears sweater vests every day and steals photos of people. He can’t be trusted. That’s all you need to know. Just so you’re aware, we’ve got at least one definite sponsor (Ambelos Construction) and one other potential sponsor in our pockets. However, the shirts still aren’t fully paid for, sooooo…it looks like Brian’s getting a few more phone calls. If you know of a company who might like to sponsor us (and at the same time, save Brian), please email us so we can discuss the possibility. Oh and we’re now able to accept online donations so if you’d like to do your part to fight balls and mouth cancer, click here!

You may or may not have heard by now that the Traveling Baseball Babes have swallowed their pride and created a Twatting account. You kids call it “Twitter.” Feel free to follow us.

Next Sunday, we depart for Minneapolis. On that subject, we’ve noticed that no one has entered our “TBB Super Hero of the Week” Sweepstakes. Seriously, if no one enters this contest, we’ll be forced to grant super hero honors to Nicole’s dog, Mipisoula. Don’t make us do it. Email us your photo and the reason why you should be super hero and the best story wins. Don’t be a Mexi-can’t. Be a Mexi-can.

Baseball notes:
Justin Verlander may have failed to pitch back-to-back no-hitters, but think about how amazing Verlander’s accomplishment really is. He pitched 13 straight no-hit innings, Melky Cabrera breaking up the no-hitter with a 2-out RBI triple in the 6th. Verlander appears to be a rare species in this day and age of primadonna baseball players. We have no doubt that, like his counterparts, he’s playing ball in order to earn his enormous salary. However, unlike the majority of his counterparts, he tends to pitch late in the game, produces consistently, and rarely misses a start. We’re not saying that Verlander’s the only pure-blooded pitcher (or non-bitchy pitcher) left in the MLB, but he’s certainly one of the last remaining.

Carlos Beltran, among other things, is a disgusting man. He apparently woke up on Saturday with a “swollen right eye.” First, we asked ourselves what the F*CK does that mean? Does he have a tumor? Allergies? What? How does one’s eye swell? Oh, no. It turned out to be much worse. After Googling, we discovered that Beltran has a mild case of pink eye! And he’s at the ball park right now touching sh*t that his teammates touch. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? The Mets entire lineup is going to be infected with pink eye because Beltran is a f*cking a-hole! Gross! Gross! Gross!

ESPN and the like networks have been focusing on the Jorge Posada Saga this morning. If you haven’t heard already, before last night’s game against the Red Sox, Posada asked to be taken out of the lineup. He says that he, “needed time to clear his head” and that during batting and infield practice his back “stiffened up a little bit.” That seems to be a reasonable request, but there are other things not adding up. Prior to benching himself, Posada was moved to the 9th spot in the lineup. Both Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman claim to have known nothing about Posada’s stiffened back. Posada also insists that he didn’t bench himself because of his place in the lineup. Sounds like SOMEONE’S being a shady shaderson and hiding SOMETHING!

Happy Holidays

We apologize for being a little late this week as Serena (the person responsible for posting our notes on time) was running so late for Christmas dinner that she forgot to post our blog. : / Sorry!

That being said, since we are in holiday mode, we’re only going to post the results from the poll and our baseball notes. Last Friday, we asked you which team had performed the best with off season acquisitions to date. The question only garnered 4 votes. We fear we’re losing you folks. The total vote results keep getting smaller and smaller. The winning choice with a pitiful 2 votes was, “The TBB. You ladies will definitely get a picture with TOWSNBN soon enough.” This must be because you feel guilty about the time you chose to put us on a TV show only if we were played by Alyssa Milano and Jessica Simpson. We can see right through you like a pane of glass. You cannot fool us. Only 1 person thought that the Mariners led the pack by signing Cliff Lee. After all, look what he did for the Phillies. 1 moron actually voted for the Mets. We’re not even giving you the satisfaction of making fun of you. No one voted for the Phillies and their acquisition of Roy Halladay, which we find a bit strange, but…to each his own.

On Tuesday, the Yankees rocked the boat a bit by signing RHP Javier Vazquez and LHP Boone Logan from the Atlanta Braves in exchange for OF Melky Cabrera, LHP Michael Dunn, RHP Arodys Vizcaino, and cash considerations. In further Team Jacob news, Roy Halladay took out a full-page newspaper advertisement thanking the city and the team’s fans. He is quoted as saying, “Toronto will forever have a special place in my heart. The memories will last a lifetime and so will my gratitude.” Roy—you stay classy in Philly. Serena apologizes for making fun of you for being a werewolf. That was rude. Nick Johnson’s contract as the Yankees’ new DH has been finalized. It gives Johnson $5.5 million next season and includes a $5.5 million mutual option with a $250,000 buyout. He can also earn $1 million annually in performance bonuses. Why don’t they have jobs like this posted on Monster.com?
Finally, we hope all of our readers have a healthy, happy holiday!