THANKS!

Many thanks goes out to Valley Van & Sports Utilities of Valley Stream, NY for becoming a Silver Slugger Sponsor of the 3rd Annual Fred K's Cancer Event!

All-Star Ballot? Already?

Lisa is in Punta Cana right now, so I regret to inform you that you’ll be dealing with me alone today. I promise to be somewhat well-behaved. Last week, we asked you what you do with yourself when rain shuts down your baseball quality time. Only 3 people had any inclination to vote, which makes me think that we’re starting to lose you people. I realize that we’re a-holes and that a lot of the crap we write on this blog is complete nonsense, but really, we just want to make you laugh. Don’t you find us funny anymore? Did you ever find us funny? Anyway, all 3 folks claimed that they like to get f*cked up and pass out in the middle of the living room when there’s no baseball. This makes me think that we cater to the unique group of individuals known as “alcoholics.” No one chose, “watch a Real Housewives marathon on BRAVO,” “pick my nose (and this was truly a wise decision as I would’ve spent several paragraphs making fun of anyone who chose this option),” or “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond.”

It’s hard for me to talk about what’s been going on in New York in terms of baseball because I haven’t been able to watch. Why? Cable’s been acting like a real NTAC (no talent a$$ clown), so while I’ve had access to the Real Housewives marathons on BRAVO (just what I need), I’ve had no access to SNY or YES (for those of you out-of-staters, SNY is the network home of the Mets and YES is the network home of the Yankees). I managed to catch the Brewers/Cardinals game on FOX yesterday afternoon, but needless to say, I’ve been quite frustrated with the fact that my only connection to the Mets and Yankees has been via baseball apps on my portable internet machine (the cell phone). However, a nice man showed up today and waved a weird-a$$ device around the apartment that I’m pretty sure the Ghostbusters used to catch Slimer and now I am enjoying YES for the first time all week.

If you’re registered with MLB.com like Lisa and I are, you probably receive at least 5 stupid emails a day. I received a disturbing one yesterday. MLB is already asking fans to vote for this year’s All Stars. How is this even possible? We’re still in the first month of the season. Personally, I feel that voting shouldn’t even begin until June. How could you possible rate players’ performances based on one month of duty? That’s ridiculous. That’s like my boss giving me my performance evaluation for this year now.

Of course, I’m bitching about this as if people aren’t going to vote for the same guys they vote for every year. Let me take a wild guess and say that 50% of the American League starting lineup will be made up of Yankees, 30% will be Red Sox players, and the remaining 20% will be a cocktail of the remaining teams. Oh, and duh, TOWSNBN will obviously be the starting thirdbaseman for the National League because god forbid we should vote someone else into that position. The sad thing is that one of the Yankees that should be considered an All Star will most likely won’t be an All Star because he’s not a big name like Curtis Granderson (this is in no way suggesting that Grandy shouldn’t be an All Star because he’s a fantastic athlete that can do just about anything—bunt, hit for average, hit for power, steal, field, maybe even cook a decent meal and do laundry) nor does he have a lovable, popular personality like Nick Swisher (again, I love Swish, but should he be the starting right fielder for the American League? No…unless, of course, you’re only taking into consideration his April performance). The player I’m talking about is Brett Gardner. Gardy does everything right. He works hard, gets the bunt down, he’s a phenomenal base runner in a time when base running as a skill has taken a giant dump (actually, come to think of it, bunting is another skill that has become a lost art), and he’s a fantastic left fielder! He really doesn’t get enough credit. Plus, even Lisa loves him. That should tell you something since the only other Yankee she is in love with is Derek Jeter. Unfortunately, unless you have the privilege of being able to watch the Yankees on a daily basis (or happen to be an avid fantasy follower), you probably don’t know who Gardy is and since you don’t know who he is, you’re never going to vote him onto the All Star team. It really is a shame.

The All Star ballot will be officially launched on Friday. Do the right thing, folks. Do the right thing.

Baseball notes!

Tim Lincecum continues to cultivate my utter adoration for him. He just doesn’t stop. I wish he would at this point. My affection for him can no longer be deemed healthy. He doesn’t even play in New York. I need to be in love with someone who plays for my team. Yesterday, Padres’ pitcher Anthony Bass carried a perfect game into the 6^th inning when lo and behold, Lincecum stepped up to the plate and ran out an infield single to short stop. Look at that skinny boy hustle down the line. Love that shit. As if that didn’t earn his pay check, the boy pitched 8 innings in the Giants’ 2-1 victory, giving up only 1 unearned run, striking out 5, and walking 4. The walks aren’t so sexy, but the good news is that Timmy looks to be returning to form.

Today, Braves’ fans will have the pleasure of seeing Tim Hudson make his 2012 debut after recovering from spinal fusion surgery. Even more good news is that the Braves could potentially get Brian McCann back for Monday night. McCann left Friday’s game early with a strained right intercostal muscle. I sincerely wish I could speak to that injury but I don’t even know what an intercostal muscle is…or what body part it’s attached to. For all I know, it’s something in his ear.

Michael Pineda is officially out for the season, requiring surgery to repair his torn anterior labral. Again, I wish I knew what this was, but based on what I’ve heard, I am pretty confident that this is something in his shoulder. Especially considering I don’t think Pineda has a vagina. This is probably an extremely inappropriate joke, but as I said earlier, Lisa isn’t here so I don’t have anyone keeping me in check.

If you hate Justin Verlander (and I don’t know how that’s possible seeing as how he loves Taco Bell), I dare you to watch this video and not become all squishy inside for him.

Lastly, anyone not rooting for a team in the NL East want to take a stab at who is leading the division? It’s not the Phillies or the Mets. It’s not even the Marlins, who talked a lot (and I mean, a lot) of shit this off-season. The Marlins, with their fancy new stadium, are in last place. The team leading the NL East is the Washington Nationals, followed closely by the Braves. What a shocker. Good for them. Shake things up in the east.  

Before I sign off, I just want to give folks the heads up that the 3^rd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event has been relocated from Cantiague Park to Eisenhower Park (North Linden Picnic Area, Parking Field 6A) due to a scheduling mix-up on the part of Nassau County. We hope to see as many people as possible, so please join us on Saturday, June 23^rd, where you’ll get a chance to meet and walk with The Freds. You may even meet a few folks that are listed in the TBB Lingo & Cronies page of this blog. Also, if there is any way I can sell something of Lisa to you in order to convince you to come down, I’ll be more than happy to do that. She’s not here to defend herself, so I’m allowed to do this. I mean, I can’t sell her body to you or anything like that, but almost everything else is open for negotiations. Very exciting stuff. You can register to participate online here.  

Next week, Lisa will be back so there’ll be no vagina jokes. Swear.

-Serena

Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena

The TBB Presents: MLB Mad Libs

Last week we spent a lot of time making fun of the All Star Game. In keeping with that theme, we asked if you felt the outcome of the game would have been different had the American League been running at full capacity. The results? A 2-2 tie between “No, they’re all a bunch of nansy pansies” and “Yes, Justin Verlander doesn’t lose to nobody!”

This weekend, we held a 2-day garage sale with all of the sales going toward Fred K’s Cancer. On the weekend, we raised about $550! But that’s not what we’re going to talk about today.

On Day 2, with 2 hours left in our basura sale, the heat and humidity finally started to take a toll. Shoppers were dwindling down and we were getting pretty bored. Never fear, Brother is here. Amid the sea of random items scattered on assorted tables, rested a small electronic handheld game called Mad Libs. Brother pounded immediately. We spent the rest of the day gathered around Brother and feeding him nouns, adverbs, verbs, and adjectives and then laughing our asses off as he read the results. The joy we gained from this game prompted the idea for this week’s blog: MLB Mad Libs. What we’re going to do is give you 15 grammatical words and you’ll select the words you want in each blank space. For example: Noun = dog. Then scroll down and insert the words into the appropriate spaces and read the story you’ve created aloud to your friends and family. Maybe your neighbors and co-workers too. Remember, no cheating. Pick the words first before scrolling to read the story.

1. Noun (plural)
2. Place
3. Noun
4. Noun
5. Noun
6. Adverb (might we recommend, “gracefully?”)
7. Exclamatory phrase
8. Adjective
9. Adjective
10. Color
11. Adjective
12. Verb (ending in “ing”)
13. Verb (past tense)
14. Adjective
15. Noun














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Once upon a time, the Traveling Baseball (1) visited (2) , California to watch a baseball game. Once at the game, they ate (3) and (4) . While sitting in their seats eating, a (5) flew at their heads at high speed. They (6) ducked, shouting, “ (7) !” Amid the chaos, a (8) , (9) , (10) -headed pitcher ran over to find out about the (11) situation. Feeling bad about nearly (12) the girls, he (13) a ball for them. Eventually, the three individuals became the three best friends that anybody could ever have. Unfortunately, the story would not end happily ever after. The pitcher turned out to have a suffocating and (14) personality. It has ruined the (15) of knowing a professional baseball player personally. The end.

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Hopefully, you did this properly and did not read the story first because it’s only funny when you have no idea what kind of story you’re fitting the words into is.

Athletics at Mets 6-22-11

Last week, we presented you with our Guide to Crashing Other People’s Stadiums and asked if you’d abide by the rules that we’d laid before you. A whopping 7 people voted that they totally would because they make complete sense. No one, we repeat, NO ONE voted for “No. You are literally the biggest a-holes I’ve ever come across.” We believe that this just might be progress in on the road to a beautiful relationship between you and us.

Naturally, being that we are the bringers of dark clouds and everything miserable in this world, on the day of our Mets game for the 2011 season, the heavens opened up and poured forth an ocean’s worth of rain. We actually got scared that we missed the memo about which port Noah’s Ark was leaving from. By 4:00 or so, the rain stopped, but what was left was a thick blanket of humidity and ominous-looking clouds overhead. Nevertheless, we headed to the game anyway.

Of course, as soon as we bought our burger platter, the rain started to fall again and the game headed into a rain delay. We found a clear spot on the floor near the Champions’ Club. Lisa ordered a bacon cheeseburger with a side of French fries and Serena got a BBQ bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries. Each meal cost under $20.

Initially, Serena was skeptical about the fries because usually crinkle fries are soggy and grodie, but they were surprisingly good. The burgers were amazing as well and apparently they were so yummy, we simply inhaled them without taking a photo for the blog. Hence, we present to you this:

While we hung around waiting for the rain delay to come to an end, several people came up to us to ask about Serena’s shirt. This shirt (as well as this one for Lisa) was sent to Serena by Darren of The 7 Line, a unique Mets-themed t-shirt line whose designs are all created by Darren himself. One drunk fellow chose to affectionately call Serena, “Miss Shea.” Ironic considering Lisa’s the Mets fan.

After about an hour, the game began and we headed back to our seats. Take a look at the amount of water that collected in the stadium during that time:

These seats cost us $6 each:

It was just a little after 8:00 when we reached our seats and the sun was just finally starting to set.

The pitching matchup was the Mets’ RA Dickey against the A’s Gio Gonzalez. RA Dickey comes to the mound and the plate to the Star Wars’ Imperial March. Not a Star Wars fan and therefore, you have no idea what we’re talking about? Check out this montage. Who the f gets pumped listening to Darth Vadar’s theme song? Well…the weird thing is that Serena actually had this song as her cell phone’s ringtone for a period of time…which might mean RA Dickey is another one of her hand twins. To further the strangeness is the fact that all of Serena’s hand twins are men. Hmm…Regardless, Serena feels strongly that you should keep your weirdness undercover and among your close friends and family instead of broadcasting it to the public like Dickey does.

We can’t tell you a whole lot about what actually happened during the game because it seems that the overwhelming amount of effort that had gone into the 2nd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event these past weeks had finally gotten to us. We went stir crazy, laughing at absolutely nothing and not paying attention to anything of worth.

Next thing we knew, the game was tied in the 9th and we were hungry. We do know that the reason the game became tied was that the a$$ clown, K-ROD blew another save. We waited until the 10th before deciding to get ourselves 2nd Dinner. Of course, we went with our old reliable hot dogs!

As you can see, Serena topped hers with sautéed onions and jalapeño peppers while Lisa covered hers with relish, mustard, and sauerkraut.

The game remained tied until the bottom of the 13th. Former BFFer, Brad Ziegler had entered the game in 12th and got out of a bases loaded jam. In the 13th, he loaded the bases again. We so badly wanted this moment. Fellow redhead, Justin Turner stepped in the batter’s box. On the first pitch, Ziegler hit Turner in the left thigh, allowing the winning run to walk home. It was amazing. It was the Mets’ first walk off of the season.

We found this snippet of an interview with Ziegler on the Mets Official Website:
"My initial reaction was I thought he leaned into it, and to me, if he did lean into it ... that's kind of a cheap way to end the game," Ziegler said. "But I know the pitch was inside, so one way or another, I knew it got away from me, and [it's] just not how you want to end the game. If I'm going to lose it, I'd rather be beaten with a base hit."

Okay. That’s Ziegler’s “initial reaction.” Our initial reaction? He’s being a bitch. You hit the guy. The loss is your fault. Suck it up, cupcake. Sh*t happens.

This is the night’s final picture:

Us happy with the game’s outcome.

We’re going to close things out with non-baseball related news. Today, we held the 2nd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Event at Cantiague Park in Hicksville, New York. Thanks to all of our wonderful walkers and supporters, we’ve raised $3,400 for Fred K’s Cancer to date! Plus, we’ll be continuing to solicit donations through the end of July so there’s an excellent chance that we may hit $4,000!

Next Sunday, we'll be in Denver so there will be no post for that week. We'll post our review on Coors Field when we return.

Bon Voyage!

Entering Week 5 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email, BUT our friends in the Bay Area have informed us that he was spotted canoodling in the Giants’ dugout sans moustache. We suspect that our letter had something to do with it. He may not have written us back, but it’s clear that he heard our call…he might actually not respond to us because we made him cry and he thinks we’re mean.

Before we get into the poll results, let’s talk about how NO ONE entered our Sweepstakes for TBB Super Hero of the Week. Do you understand what this means? It means that for entire week, you’ll be staring at the picture of the Mipi, Nicole’s doggie. For those of you unaware, Nicole is the Executive Director of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Since you’ve decided to be giant fails on this subject, we’d like you to donate to The Freds. Do it. Save balls and mouths across the world one dollar at a time.

Last week, there was a whole lot of hullabaloo about Jorge Posada being snatchy, so we decided to ask you what you thought his malfunction was. 3 of you felt that getting old makes you cranky. 2 of you think that it’s Jorge’s time of the month. Personally speaking, when WE’RE on the rag, we’re pretty cranky as well. Especially when we’re not fed. Therefore, it’s totally conceivable that Jorge’s in some serious need of Midol. 1 loan reed believes that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. It’s just that everyone needs a mental break once in awhile. 1 person thinks he’s constipated and no one voted for that Smelly Brian option and we’re not going to bother reiterating what the choice was because it’s not worth our time to retype nor is it worth your time to reread it.

So today’s the big day. No, we’re not leaving Blogger community (which we’re sure you’d be ecstatic to hear). We’re flying to Minneapolis and according to weather.com, we’re flying into shittastic weather. Regardless of the rain, we’ve got plans to canoe around Lake Calhoun in Minnesota. We strongly feel that we’ll be excellent canoers. Do not worry. We’ll back in time for your weekly TBB blog. It’ll even be a legitimate post as we’ll be discussing our visit to Target Field. Thrilled, aren’t you? Did we mention that we’re doing this entire trip out of a carry on bag in an effort to save money on obnoxious and bull sh*t luggage fees? Yes. The 2 worst packers ever to grace the United States is surviving on one pair of pumps and a carry on bag apiece. There is no room for error. No room for stains. No room for, “Awww this shirt makes me look fat.” Nope. Tough sh*t. We’re gonna have to look fat whether we like it or not. It’s go time, people.

To keep up to date with our traveling activities and commentary, be sure to follow us on Twatter. Twitter. Whatever. The little stupid blue bird that all the happening kids are using nowadays.

Yesterday morning, we had a very successful charity cardio kickboxing class at Lucille Roberts in Westbury, NY. We raised a total of $113! Much thanks to Kathy, gym manager, for allowing us to hold the class and to Sylvia Nasser for donating her time to teach the heart pumping, muscle tiring, and sweat-inducing class!

The One Who Shall Not Be Named is officially on the DL with a stress fracture in his lower back. He’s “not allowed to engage in any physical activities.” Well, Lisa’s sex life is going to have to be put on hold.

Happy Belated Birthday to Mamadukes, whose birthday was on Tuesday. Also, we hope that everyone showed their support to our military forces yesterday on Armed Forces Day! Regardless of your opinion of the war, these men and women sacrifice a lot and should be thanked and recognized!

Peace out!

Brian Smells Like a Monkey

Entering Week 4 of Operation Moustache Removal. The one who calls himself “Zito” has still not acknowledged our email. We understand that he may have a lot on his plate what with foot rehab and all, but c’mon, bro. If you’re not going to reply to us, find the time to at least shave your moustache.

Last week, we asked your thoughts about our torture strategy of sweater vest-wearing Brian. We wanted to know if we should continue prank calling Brian until the Fred K’s Cancer t-shirts were paid for. Of 13 individuals, 6 people felt that we should do it because, “Screw Brian. This is to support balls and mouth cancer!” Interesting choice of words, wouldn’t you say? Only 2 of you felt sorry for Brian because “What the hell did this Brian ever do to you?” These 2 votes probably belong to Brian and his girlfriend, so we feel that this data is biased and therefore, skewed. We’ll tell you what “this Brian” did to us. He stole 54 pictures of us for a PowerPoint presentation and did absolutely nothing with them as far as we can tell. He didn’t even share them with his business partner. Honestly, he probably just deleted the 4 emails we sent filled with our kick ass pictures because he’s lazy. 5 people simply wanted to know who Brian was. Who cares who Brian is? He wears sweater vests every day and steals photos of people. He can’t be trusted. That’s all you need to know. Just so you’re aware, we’ve got at least one definite sponsor (Ambelos Construction) and one other potential sponsor in our pockets. However, the shirts still aren’t fully paid for, sooooo…it looks like Brian’s getting a few more phone calls. If you know of a company who might like to sponsor us (and at the same time, save Brian), please email us so we can discuss the possibility. Oh and we’re now able to accept online donations so if you’d like to do your part to fight balls and mouth cancer, click here!

You may or may not have heard by now that the Traveling Baseball Babes have swallowed their pride and created a Twatting account. You kids call it “Twitter.” Feel free to follow us.

Next Sunday, we depart for Minneapolis. On that subject, we’ve noticed that no one has entered our “TBB Super Hero of the Week” Sweepstakes. Seriously, if no one enters this contest, we’ll be forced to grant super hero honors to Nicole’s dog, Mipisoula. Don’t make us do it. Email us your photo and the reason why you should be super hero and the best story wins. Don’t be a Mexi-can’t. Be a Mexi-can.

Baseball notes:
Justin Verlander may have failed to pitch back-to-back no-hitters, but think about how amazing Verlander’s accomplishment really is. He pitched 13 straight no-hit innings, Melky Cabrera breaking up the no-hitter with a 2-out RBI triple in the 6th. Verlander appears to be a rare species in this day and age of primadonna baseball players. We have no doubt that, like his counterparts, he’s playing ball in order to earn his enormous salary. However, unlike the majority of his counterparts, he tends to pitch late in the game, produces consistently, and rarely misses a start. We’re not saying that Verlander’s the only pure-blooded pitcher (or non-bitchy pitcher) left in the MLB, but he’s certainly one of the last remaining.

Carlos Beltran, among other things, is a disgusting man. He apparently woke up on Saturday with a “swollen right eye.” First, we asked ourselves what the F*CK does that mean? Does he have a tumor? Allergies? What? How does one’s eye swell? Oh, no. It turned out to be much worse. After Googling, we discovered that Beltran has a mild case of pink eye! And he’s at the ball park right now touching sh*t that his teammates touch. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? The Mets entire lineup is going to be infected with pink eye because Beltran is a f*cking a-hole! Gross! Gross! Gross!

ESPN and the like networks have been focusing on the Jorge Posada Saga this morning. If you haven’t heard already, before last night’s game against the Red Sox, Posada asked to be taken out of the lineup. He says that he, “needed time to clear his head” and that during batting and infield practice his back “stiffened up a little bit.” That seems to be a reasonable request, but there are other things not adding up. Prior to benching himself, Posada was moved to the 9th spot in the lineup. Both Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman claim to have known nothing about Posada’s stiffened back. Posada also insists that he didn’t bench himself because of his place in the lineup. Sounds like SOMEONE’S being a shady shaderson and hiding SOMETHING!

Fans. Why Being One Doesn’t Make You An All Star

Entering Week 3 of Operation Moustache Removal. We’ve still received no response from the one who calls himself “Zito.” Not even a BS fake response from the pathetic underling he probably pays to read his emails. Thank you, dear, sweet readers, for making complete a$$es out us by convincing us to send him that letter. As if we need help making complete a$$es out of ourselves.

Last week we reported our upcoming Midwest itinerary to you and not only did we ask you a poll question, but we also asked for some suggestions as to food, booze, and activities to partake in while in town. No one actually helped us out with that second piece. Is it because a) you don’t travel to these parts of the country, b) we haven’t tapped into that region’s demographic yet, or c) you’re just a pack of a-holes? Being a-holes certainly didn’t prevent you from responding to our poll. We asked how many times you thought we’d say, “well-played, Mauer” during our vacation. One person legitimately thought we’d only say it once because we’d “forget about the joke until we were on our way home on the plane.” While we can admit that we’re pretty forgetful, there’s just no way we’d forget that joke. Just no way. 4 of you voted for, “Oh, my God, you’re going to be so annoying. I feel bad for your “fellow” Twins fans.” That’s a bit harsh, but we can accept this judgment. We’re just thankful that no one voted for, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Who is this one you call Mauer and what does he play well?” If you had voted for this option, we would’ve spent this entire blog post making fun of you. Speaking of Zito and Mauer, anyone notice how both men are on the DL right before we’re scheduled to see both men play in Milwaukee and Minneapolis respectively? Coincidence?

In Fred K’s Cancer news, we are actively searching for partial t-shirt sponsors. We’ve already received one partial sponsor (Ambelos Construction Corp), but we need more! If anyone is interested in slapping their logo on the backs of the innocent walkers we’ve managed to suck into our vortex, please email us so that we can work something out. To up the ante, we’ve decided to prank call Brian once a night (don’t you worry about who Brian is…just know that he’s a defenseless man who loves to wear sweater vests) until these t-shirts are paid for in full. For the sake of Brian’s sleep cycle (cos’ it’s definitely not for the sake of his personal life), someone contact us as soon as possible. Thank you for understanding.

Additionally, now through July 1st, you may donate online to Fred K's Cancer at our online fundraising page. Every dollar counts, so please give what you can. Thanks!

Now, kids, it’s time for the School of TBB to teach you a few things about being a fan. As a fan, you should loyally defend and support your team of choice through the best of times and the worst of times. However, you should not butcher that which you love by assuming that rooting for Derek Jeter automatically grants you Jeter’s powers of executing the leaping throw to first.

Our lesson for today brings us to the reason for this evening’s post. The TBB participated in a secret mission on Saturday that involved a lot of stealth, cardio, trash talking, and peanut butter ice cream. During this mission, we discovered a pack of a$$ clowns attempting to play the sport of baseball. Now, under no circumstances are we declaring that you should never play baseball if you can’t compete with the likes of Roy Halladay. That would be unreasonable. We DO expect you to play a GAME with some sort of enthusiasm and enjoyment or else why the hell are you playing? It’s senseless. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let us start from the beginning.

While walking through Central Park, we found a rag tag group of men and one woman (who, in all honesty, looked like the most athletic one on the field) playing a pickup game of baseball. Being in a bit of a feisty mood (and being major a-holes), we decided to hang around the game and do commentary. We figured it was a gesture of kindness on our part because commentating would make them feel special…as if they were real ball players…or something. Before assuming that our kindness would be appreciated, we asked permission. The man who replied to our request was dressed as if he was about to board a yacht. White polo shirt, khaki shorts, and brown loafers. We figured that he must be serving as some sort of score keeper because who in their right mind would show up to play in the dirt in such nice, clean clothing and non-functional footwear?

Jeeves stared blankly at us at first before answering. “Okay.”
“Do you mind?” Serena asked.
Blank stare. “Yes.”
“Really? Are you kidding?” Lisa asked. “Cos’ I really can’t tell with you right now.”
Blank stare. “Yes.”
Riiiiiiiight.
“So would you let me play on your team if I asked?” Lisa asked. Did we forget to mention that as a joke, Lisa chose to wear a backwards hot pink bicycle helmet on her head?
Blank stare. “Okay.”
“Really?” Lisa asked.
“Okay.”
Serena forced a fake bright smile. “She even brought her own protective gear.” She pointed to Lisa’s pink helmet.
Blank stare.
From the field, someone called, “Batter! We need a batter!”
Jeeves, strangely enough, answered the call in all his country club glory. Soooo, he’s not keeping score?

Not to be undaunted, we parked in the dugout and began the color commentary. Jeeves, needless to say, lived up to our sissy expectations. Meanwhile, the activity on the diamond looked more like a silent dodgeball match than baseball game with everyone striving to avoid making contact with the ball as opposed to fielding it. By silent we mean that the only speaking taking place was the shit we were talking in the dugout. The star player appeared to be the 75 year old man pitching and wearing dungarees. We dubbed him the “seasoned veteran, Lefty Levis (we figured “Old Man” was too rude).” You might think that it’s impossible to witness a silent baseball game, but we assure you that if you turned tonight’s ESPN baseball game on mute and watched for a few innings, you’d get a glimpse of what we dealt with on Saturday. The only difference would be that you’d be watching actual athletes.

We chose to create nicknames for the entire crew. A heavy man came up to the plate wearing a neon yellow t-shirt and black gym shorts. Serena announced that “David ‘Bumblebee’ Stein was now at the plate.” The rest of the commentary went something like this:
Serena: “Stein is known mostly for his home run power and high number of strikeouts.”
Lisa: “He’s in line to participate in the Home Run Derby for the third straight year.”
Serena: “His power is incredible.”
Lisa: “I think he’s got it in him to hit at least 50 homers this year.”
*Pathetic dribbler that ambles to Lefty Levis. Bumblebee’s thrown out by about 2 miles because it turns out that he runs slower than evolution taking place*
Serena: “Uhhhh, that normally doesn’t happen…we swear…”

In addition to the poor playing, we couldn’t figure out who managed what. There must’ve been at least 20 catching changes during the 15-minute span that we stood there. Pitching changes make sense. Do catchers really need to be relieved when all they’re doing is leaning against the backstop behind home plate and vaguely making some sort of effort to pick up the balls tossed in their general direction by a senior citizen on the mound?

“Coral Hart” not only possessed zero athletic ability, but he also apparently possessed zero taste in clothing. His heinous bright pink t-shirt would offend a blind person. We’re not sure what kind of man wakes up in the morning and thinks, “Gee, this pink shirt is the perfect shirt for baseball! It’s so manly and it really brings out the flecks of green in my hazel eyes! The guys are so gonna dig me in this!” Oh, now we know. The kind of man who stands in right field and runs away from an incoming ground ball. THAT’S the kind of man who’d wear a shirt like that to a ball game. Crockett and Tubbs called. They want their pastels back.

Finally, Lisa offered to step in (after all, how much worse could she be?). We approached the friendliest looking one in the bunch. He was also one of the few appropriately dressed for the game (black gym shorts, SNEAKERS, a white t-shirt, and a baseball cap).
“You should let Lisa play,” Serena said (Lisa’s still wearing her pink helmet at this stage, by the way). “She can really turn this game around.”
Mr. Gym Shorts laughed. “Can you pitch?”
“Yes, of course,” Lisa replied. “This helmet has magical powers.”
“Did you bring enough for everyone?”
“No. Only I get one.”
“That’s too bad.”
“So can I play?”
“Sure.”
“You’re not gonna make her try out?” I asked.
“Nah.” Either this is a testament to what an enjoyable and friendly person this guy is or it’s proof that he’s so accustomed to terrible playing skills that he figured letting a chick wearing a pink helmet couldn’t be worse.

Feeling encouraged by the existence of a sense of humor, Serena decided to ask him how he got involved in such boring stupidity (in nicer words, of course). It turned out that Mr. Gym Shorts worked with one of the jack wagons on the field and was invited to join the regularly scheduled afternoon of lameness. We chose not to ask if he’d actually come back again because we figured it might be a little too mean. In the midst of the conversation, Lefty Levis decided he didn’t feel like pitching anymore so Mr. Gym Shorts enthusiastically jumped right in. We applauded him for being a team player and even cheered for him as he jogged to the mound…and then he pitched. We watched in silent horror as he lobbed each pitch like a 6 year old throwing a baseball for the first time.
Serena: “God, this is awkward.”
Lisa: “And after we cheered for him.”
Serena: “He’s terrible.”
Lisa: “I’m thinking they need to call the bull pen.”
Serena: “I’m thinking we should leave.”

What’s the moral of our story, kids? A sense of humor and enthusiasm can make up for shitty athletic abilities, but not save you from being made fun of by us. In all seriousness, what’s the point in playing baseball if you’re not having fun? We would’ve had a much better time interacting with beer-drinking fools just out to have a good time.

Just one piece of awesome baseball notes for this week: Justin Verlander not only did beautiful things this week for Serena’s fantasy baseball team, the formidable and extremely good-looking “Tigers Love Pepper,” but he also threw his second career no-hitter against the Blue Jays yesterday at the Rogers Centre. His blip on the road to perfection came in the 8th on a 12-pitch walk to JP Arencibia. We salute you, Mr. Verlander! One might think that a feat of this nature deserves TBB Super Hero honors, but unfortunately, Verlander doesn’t have abs like this guy:

Therefore, Thor wins! Yay!

We’re out of here. Word to your mother. Happy Mother’s Day, Mamadukes and Mama L. (and all of you other mothers who didn’t birth the TBB).

M + M = Midwest Mania

So…it’s Week 2 of Operation Moustache Removal. As you know, last Sunday we emailed Barry Zito a letter requesting that he remove the heinous furry caterpillar from his upper lip. We asked you if you felt that Barry Zito would reply to this email. 5 of you replied, “Why wouldn’t he? It’s a well-crafted and though-out email.” 2 of you said, “Negative. I can’t believe you actually sent it.” It is now Day 7. We’ve no word from the one who calls himself “Zito.” Lisa is itching to send a follow-up email, but Serena feels like we’ve already done enough damage.

Don’t forget that we have a TBB Super Hero of the Week contest going on. Submit to us your photo along with a paragraph or so as to what makes you a super hero. Best/most creative entry (or best looking male ages 18 and older) will earn a spot as TBB Super Hero of the Week for the week of 5/22. The deadline for submission is Saturday, May 21st with the winner being announcing on Sunday’s blog before we take off for Minneapolis. We haven’t received any submissions yet, but we’re looking forward to hearing from you!

So we’ve started hammering out the details of our itineraries while we’re in Minneapolis and Milwaukee! Minneapolis seems like it’s going to be as wonderful as Seattle was and we only regret that we’re not spending more time there. While in town (in addition to the game of course), we plan on visiting Lake Calhoun (and hopefully, rent a canoe…imagine the pictures), the Como Park Zoo & Conservatory, and we even plan on enjoying a guided tour of the Twin Cities! If anyone Minneapolis locals have suggestions as to where we should go for food and drinks, we’re open to hearing them. Also, recommendations as to what to eat at Target Field are welcome.

In Milwaukee, we’ll naturally pay a visit to the Miller Brewery as well as take part in a “Walk on Water” guided tour of Milwaukee, which basically translates to “while seeing the sights, you’ll eat and drink at our favorite eateries and pubs/breweries.” Basically, this tour was made for us. Other than these excursions and Miller Park, we don’t have too much planned, so if anyone has recommendations, we’re all ears! Food and booze are a priority as always.

In Fred K’s Cancer related news, we’ll be attempting to solicit t-shirt sponsors later today. Hopefully, we’ll return with positive news.

Apparently Joe Girardi is “worried” about Phil Hughes. Us too. The boy will be visiting specialists in St. Louis to determine what his damn physical problems are all about. Hughes has been on the DL since April 15th with what the team is calling a “dead arm.” Specialist Dr. Robert Thompson is trying to determine whether Hughes as thoracic outlet syndrome, which affects blood flow and could be the reason for Hughes’ drop in velocity.

DAMN! Serena’s Got a Small Foot

Hello, a-holes. You’ll be pleased to hear that 9 of 12 people voted that Serena should send that a-hole letter to Barry Zito about his moustache because “someone needs to tell him that porn-staches are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.” For some strange reason you people thought that SERENA should be that special someone. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just MAYBE someone close to Barry Zito (like say, a friend, family member, lover?) should be the person to break this kind of news to him? “Hey, Barry, I love you, man so don’t take this the wrong way, but that moustache makes you look like an a-hole. A creepy level 5, even. Dude, from one bro to another. Shave that sh*t.” No. Instead some creepy jack-a-loon blogger had to be the one to send him a letter. Well…you got your goddamn wishes. Behold. Evidence of your stupid and personally damaging encouragement:

Only 3 individuals had any sort of sense and voted for, “No. Are you freakin’ kidding? It’s bad enough you post this crap to your blog.” We’re guessing that this was probably Mamadukes, Roberta (Fred K’s Cancer Secretary of State), and someone else who probably just hates us. Like Uncle Pat.

We should point out at this stage that Lisa arrived at Serena’s house to blog at 2:30 this afternoon. Did we blog? No. We watched Tron: Legacy instead. The movie was okay, but more importantly Garrett Hedlund is delicious. The only problem is the fact that Disney kept ruining every opportunity for us to view his delectable body by doing something like cover him up! What the hell? If you’re going to put a man that attractive in a glow in the dark leotard accenting his “assets,” then let us get a glimpse of him nakie! But, no. It would not be so. *Sigh* So we Googled and found this:

And that, folks, is what being a TBB Super Hero is all about. Discovering Garrett Hedlund prompted us to come up with yet another asinine contest...only this time it will be real. There will be an actual attainable prize. Your picture on our blog viewed by Serena’s entire family (because Lisa’s parents do not read the blog…they don’t know how to use their internet machine). Don’t scoff as if this is some bull sh*t prize. Serena’s clan is enormous. They won’t quit reproducing.

So, what’s the contest? Submit to us your photo along with a paragraph or so as to why to you should be TBB Super Hero of the Week. Best/most creative entry or best looking man will become TBB Super Hero of the Week. The deadline for submission will be Saturday, May 21st and the winner will be announced on Sunday, May 22nd before we take off for Minneapolis. The winner’s picture will remain posted from May 22nd until blogging time on May 29th.

In brief Fred K’s Cancer news, Brad Ziegler of the Oakland A’s donated his game-used cleats for us to raffle off. Since Serena has midget feet (literally, she does) and Ziegler is over six feet tall, Lisa just HAD to compare his feet to Serena’s. Lisa found the comparison so hilarious that she took a picture of it:

Brother went one step further and made this measurement:

Now that Brother has visited, we’ve gotten even further distracted by talking about the Indiana Jones saga and why Dipsy Doodles are not sold in bigger bags. It’s 6:53 pm.

This week’s baseball note:
Justin Morneau returned to the lineup against the Indians on Saturday after missing the previous 5 games with the flu. It seems that Twins’ clubhouse is quite sickly these days what with Joe Mauer also having some sort of viral infection that’s caused bilateral leg weakness.

Finally, we wish everyone a Happy Easter and Happy Passover…and Happy Greek Easter.

7:39 pm.

So Let’s Dance the Last Dance

Welcome to the last official day of mobile blogging. Oh and last official Friday blog posting. Since this is Serena’s last day with this company, the TBB have a final practical joke to play on those being left behind. Unfortunately, we cannot divulge exactly what the master plan is until after 5:00…or else certain folks may attempt to thwart this exhibition. In the meantime, we’ll share last week’s poll results. We asked which of the discussed MLB commercials tickled your fancy the most. Of the 7 responses, 4 people felt that Brian Wilson and his magical beard for MLB 2K11 was the best. Only 1 individual thought Joe Mauer’s new “well-played, Mauer” commercial for MLB The Show was amusing. Tim Lincecum’s commercials only earned 1 vote apiece as well. No one chose David Wright’s Vitamin Water commercial or Joe Mauer’s original “well-played, Mauer” commercial. That’s a little sad considering that the Joe Mauer one is really enjoyable to us.

Monday started off bright and cheery (at least for Lisa) because the Mets announced that they’d released Oliver Perez, choosing to eat the remainder of his $12 million salary rather than tolerate his bull shit any longer. Bravo! In the first 2 years of his 3-year contract, Perez went 3-9 with a 6.81 ERA in 31 appearances (21 starts). HAHAHAHA. So long, Ollie! Unfortunately, our joy in his departure was short-lived as for some god forsaken reason the Nationals chose to sign him to a minor-league deal yesterday. Why the f they’d sign a jack-a-loon like him is beyond us. They started the offseason so promising by acquiring Pudge Rodriguez and Jayson Werth and now they’ve got Ollie?? If he makes the team, the Nationals would only be responsible for $414,000 (being that the Mets are still paying him $12 MILLION). Just because something’s on sale, doesn’t mean you buy it, people! Maybe they’re just looking for someone to take a crap on the mound every few days. If that’s the case, we’ll be happy to do it for a 1/3 of what they’d have to pay Perez.

In other humorous news related to former idiot Mets players, the newly signed Luis Castillo never showed up to Phillies’ camp on Tuesday. While manager Charlie Manuel claimed that he wasn’t disappointed in the situation, it seems as though Phillies’ officials were a bit confused and frustrated by his absence (and can we really blame them?). Castillo had agreed to a minor-league deal on Monday morning. Manuel hadn’t been informed as to WHY Castillo was delayed, but a source told Buster Olney of ESPN Magazine that it was a “personal matter.” Aw, did he get his period? Pal, if you’re trying to get a permanent job, it’s probably not a good idea to blow off your first day at work. Not that we’re experts or anything like that…

Curtis Granderson was scratched from the lineup against the Orioles on Tuesday night because of an oblique strain. The team is still uncertain what this means in terms of a timeline for his return, but he could miss Opening Day…again. Super.

Lastly, the Nationals officially placed Stephen Strasburg on the 60-day DL as he recovers from September’s elbow surgery. We really hope that they didn’t make the a$$ clown Perez decision based on this. Talk about a terrible impulse purchase.

Little tid bits of information for you that aren’t to be taken lightly as you’ll definitely need them to survive. Check out the Fred K’s Cancer website or Facebook page to see what awesome shit we’ve gotten donated thus far for our raffle contest. This year’s contest is clearly going to be amazing. Please don’t judge the number of fitness-related items and assume that the TBB have either gotten incredibly fat or in incredible shape. We’re still basically hovering around the “average” line.

We finally purchased our tickets to our Twins/Mariners game at Target Field. This was a little more involved than our purchase of Brewers tickets. Lisa spent about 45 minutes on the phone with the operator attempting to secure tickets on the first base side. Initially, Lisa checked the Twins website, but to her dismay, she kept getting tickets for standing room only, which is simply not an option because we’re inherently lazy. While on the phone, she discovered that her choices were still pretty limited, but a little more flexible than just standing room…meaning that she could choose standing room or two single seats nowhere each other. Finally, she had no choice but to visit our old friend, Stub Hub. For a total of $120, we got seats in section 107 (which is on the first base side aka: in view of Justin Morneau). On the Twins website, these seats cost about $50 each so we didn’t get hosed too badly on the cost. *sigh* We underestimated you, Twins. For that we’ve paid the price. Apologies. We’ll never fail you again. OH! Also, since we’re forced to “download” ugly tickets, if anyone is attending this game, please meet us at our section to donate your real ticket stubs. : )

Travel items left to be accomplished for 2011: Booking a Milwaukee hotel, booking Denver airfare, and if it’s in the cards, Toronto airfare, hotel, and Blue Jays tickets.

Tomorrow, we’ll be joining Roberta at the Ab Crunch Challenge for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital at the West Hempstead Lady of America Fitness Center. With all of the energy we’ve devoted to Fred K’s Cancer this year, we thought it best to bow out of the actual crunching and fundraising. Instead, we’ve chosen to donate to Roberta, cheer her on, and count her crunches for her. Again, we’ll be in full military regalia in order to fully express our high level of intimidation.

“It’s the last blog. The last blog on Friday. Yes, it’s our last blog. Last blog on Friday. We need you to still read us on Sunday, it’s a fun day. Last blog todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” Thank you and have nice night!

Serena is Epic. End of Story.

Last week, we were dying to know what you thought tigers dreamed of when they took a little tiger snooze. 4 of you believe that they dreamed of Halle Berry in a Catwoman suit while 2 of you thought they dreamed of mauling zebras. Right on.

So this weekend, the TBB Wolfpack will be joined by one (Jess) in a magnificent celebration of the birth of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc’s Presidente. For those who are ignorant, we are talking about Serena. We’ll be heading into the city tomorrow afternoon to check in at the famous Waldorf Astoria (where David Wright will not meet us yet again), partake in some delicious dessert at Serendipity 3 (where we once had a date with Alex Rodriguez…he might make an appearance for dinner), before eating dinner at Ninja NYC. After hours, however, is when the party starts. We will get sexified back at the hotel (which will require lots and lots of makeup and hair product and probably some squeezing and tucking) and head out to undisclosed locations to drink our faces off and dance our big booties off.

In a disturbing turn of events, no one has entered our contest to win going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. Do not fear, there is still time to enter as the deadline is April 1st. However, why hasn’t anyone entered yet? Is it Lisa or the fact that it’s METS Opening Day? For the sake of the children and Lisa’s self esteem, we’re going to assume that it’s the fact that it’s the Mets. Email to enter.

We teased with you with a secret last week and we’re now finally able to tell you what the actual secret is. Serena will be leaving our current employer for a job at Autism Speaks by the end of March. This means several things. 1. Lisa will now have to eat lunch by herself, 2. blogging will be relocating from Friday to Sunday starting in April, 3. Mobile blogging will cease to exist as we will now be blogging from Serena’s living room while eating chips and watching The Goonies (with an occasional excursion to Crumbs Bakery), and 4. Ben Affleck will no longer be a problem for us. Do not fret, TBB fans, change is good.

Now for the baseball notes:
Zack Greinke will begin the season on the 15-day DL with a hairline fracture…something he earned during a pick-up basketball game.

Justin Morneau was welcomed back to the field with open arms by his teammates and his fans while Serena welcomed him back to bed with other open limbs (this is coming 8 months after the concussion that ended his 2010 season). According to MLB.com, Morneau is quoted as saying he “had butterflies.” He’s looking forward to seeing Serena again in May, because “every time I lay my eyes on her, it’s like love at first sight.” Since he actually reported to work for the first time in 8 months (honestly, we don’t blame him since we never want to go to work), Serena’s future husband is our Super Hero of the Week.

Happy Early St. Patty’s Day…celebrate accordingly. It IS a religious holiday. Always designate a driver and wear green. Lisa accommodates these traditions and she isn’t even Irish. So do it. Boom. Encouragement.

2011 Should Keep Us Occupied, Most Occupied Indeed

Last week, we derailed slightly on the poll and asked your opinion on the fierceness of pirates and ninjas. 4 of you felt that pirates are more lethal because they have booty, a parrot, and quite often, a peg leg. 5 of you believe that ninjas are more lethal because they are stealth, can morph into the shadows, kill with their hands or ninja stars, and wear black pajamas. Serena supports the 5 of you true warriors. Hiyah!
 
We understand that this blog is entitled Traveling Baseball Babes and that its mission statement specifies that we’d report on our upcoming travels. We also understand that we’ve been terribly noncompliant in this aspect so far this year. So today we’ve decided to bring you up to speed, especially being that Brewers’ single-game tickets go on sale on Saturday. We’ve got big plans this year and we might have bit off more than we can chew, but we’ll see if we can pull it off. We shall start with Opening Day 2011. Every year, Lisa has presented her account of Mets Opening Day and this year will most likely be no exception. What will be new for the blog is that Serena will be attending the Yankees’ Opening Day and able to share her account with you as well. Our Yankees game will come earlier than usual this season barring any cancellations due to inclement weather. We purchased our tickets to the April 4th Yankees/Twins game off of Stub Hub for a total of $25! Talk about a bargain! Serena was so proud of the monetary savings that she immediately bought a dress off of Etsy that she didn’t need (Stupid, stupid). Hopefully, we get a free giveaway as well because that will be the icing on the cake.

After enjoying the local flair, we head off to Minneapolis to watch the Twins take on the Mariners at Target Field during the last week of May. We plan on spending roughly 3 days in Minneapolis before flying to Milwaukee where we’ll see the Brewers take on the Giants at Brewer Field. Again, we only plan on staying in Milwaukee for about 3 days. Both hotels have already been booked and once we buy the tickets to the games (or at least the Brewers tickets because we have a few weeks before the Twins go on sale), we’ll book airfare. Before we progress further, we want you to focus on the importance of what we just said. The Twins (Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer) and the Brewers will be playing the Giants (Tim Lincecum, Barry Zito, and Buster Posey). It looks like we’ll be married by the end of the year, folks. Furthermore, note “Miller” Park. As in Miller Brewery. Yup. This is happening.

June signals our “planned” annual excursion to Citi Field to see the Mets take on the A’s (Craig Breslow. Want to touch the smarty pants hiney). We say “planned” because it is possible that we may choose to go to a Mets game earlier or later in the season and we’ve yet to purchase tickets. We’ll keep you posted either way. Even more exciting about the month of June is that we’ll be holding our 2nd Annual Fred K’s Cancer Walk at Cantiague Park! We hope that any of you who are local to the event shows their support by registering to participate in it. If you’re unable to attend, you can support the cause by pledging a donation. You can find out how to do either by visiting the Fred K’s Cancer website.

Which brings us to July…4th of July weekend to be exact. We’re tapping the Rockies, visiting Coors Field to watch the Rockies take on the Royals and most likely an exciting fireworks display, more breweries, and did you know that the country’s best dinosaur museum is in Colorado? Also noteworthy is the fact that the Rockies’ mascot is a purple mother f’n dinosaur. Glory shall be ours.

We know. We’ve completely overwhelmed you with the amount of awesomely amazing crap that we’ve got planned this year, but you know what’s crazy? There’s more! We’re hoping to squeeze a fourth stadium into the mix! Four, you exclaim incredulously? Can it be done? We’re certainly going to try, sports fans. Depending on where we are in our finances, we’re going to aim for a weekend in Toronto (probably much later in the season) with Jess, Uncle Pat, and his daughter, Lauren. The series we’re thinking about is against the Orioles in September. Again, we’ll keep you posted on that front. We’ll probably have a better idea after Colorado, so you’ll not have to wait too long for us to make a decision.

Briefly, our baseball notes for this week:

On Monday, Justine Siegal became the first woman to pitch batting practice in a major league spring training camp when she threw to the Indians (and then did so again at the A’s training camp on Wednesday). Siegal was also the first woman to coach first base in men’s professional baseball (the Brockton Rox) in 2009 and she spent 3 years (2007-2010) as the only female college baseball coach in the country, when she was an assistant coach at Springfield College. Breaking down gender barriers earns Siegal the title of TBB Super Hero of the Week.

Cardinals’ GM, John Mozeliak announced yesterday that Adam Wainright will have to undergo season-ending Tommy John surgery on his right elbow. No date has been set for the surgery as of yet.

In honor of our upcoming Milwaukee trip, we’ll end things with our rendition of the Laverne and Shirley theme song: “One, two, three, four, four stadium tours. Sclemeel, Schlemazel, TBB incorporated. We’re gonna do it! Give us any food, we’ll take it. Give us any rule, we’ll break it. We’re gonna make our dreams come true our way.”

The TBB’s 2011 Wish List

We hope that you felt stimulated and enlightened by our extensive research into the correlation between facial hair and World Series Championships. Since we presented you with all of the evidence that we could find, we wanted to know your thoughts on the matter. Do you think that naked lips can win championships? The response was perplexing. Of the 6 votes, 5 of you said, “Maybe. Though I’ve gotta be honest with you. I’ve been wearing a Mexican mustache from Party City for at least 2 weeks now and I’ve won nothing.” These results fascinate us to no end. For starters, a “maybe” doesn’t really tell us if we’re effective manipulators or whether we have a sound case or not. Second of all, how have you been able to keep these fake mustaches stuck to your lips for so long? We could barely get ours to last 15 minutes. What’s the trick? Only 1 individual replied, “No, we love creepy mustaches. The more the merrier.” That is a definite agreement with the case that we’ve built here. No one said yes, citing “Do you see any Yankees players walking around with creepy facial hair?”

Moving onto more stimulating matters. We’ve compiled a list of things we’d like to see happen in 2011. Sort of like an Amazon wish list, which is always great fun. The only difference is that unlike an Amazon wish list, there’s a very good chance that all of our requests will either be ignored or denied. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like an Amazon wish list.

1. Andy Pettitte comes out of retirement in time for Opening Day like Bruce Willis in Red…which pretty much translates to “like a bad ass.”
2. Serena’s ass does not remain big enough to raise the Titanic. Bet you those travelers wish Serena had been around when the boat struck the iceberg. She could’ve saved the lives of thousands.
3. Lisa scores a light up pen as a free giveaway…from any team really. She’s not picky. It could be from any of the stadiums we plan on visiting this year.
4. Several players disappear Jimmy Hoffa-style: Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, Josh Beckett, Jonathan Papelbon, Jimmy Rollins, Andruw Jones, Chipper Jones (hm…seems like we have a strong aversion to anyone with the last name, ‘Jones’), and Oliver Perez.
5. TOWSNBN agrees to have his picture taken with Lisa (FINALLY), takes her on a date, and buys Serena shoes, a great white shark (a real one, not a BS toy or “adopted” one, to call her very own. She wants a tracking device planted on its dorsal fin so that she can check up on it routinely…okay, basically spend all day staring at its progression on a computer screen), and fun dinosaur t-shirts that make her laugh.
6. Roger Clemens sucks it up and just ADMITS that he took steroids.
7. Get our pictures taken with the mascots during our upcoming stadium tours without having to chase them down like creepy furry stalkers OR having to pay a retarded amount of money for them to visit us in our seats.
8. Our own television show that we can use as a platform to educate the MLB fans of America (and the five of you in Canada) on proper attire to be worn at games, facial hair etiquette (this applies to the athletes as well), and other important matters. For example: “Running out a groundball and what it means to your team.”
9. One of the following men will leave their wife for Serena: Chris Cornell, Justin Morneau, Mike Jacobs, or Jeff Francoeur.
10. We become DJ’s at Citi Field so that we can quality control all music that’s played when the athletes come to the plate so that we can avoid another Jeff Francoeur incident. Have no idea what we’re talking about? Read Serena’s letter to the Mets and recall how suddenly Francoeur became a Ranger. Coincidence? We think not!
11. All of Lisa’s stalking efforts is transitioned from TOWSNBN (who never really appreciated her enthusiasm anyway) to Joey Votto. She likes red better than orange anyway.
12. The TBB get to ride one of the floats in the World Series parade. Since it will most likely not be a parade celebrating the Mets and Yankees, we’ll be more than happy to take part in any parade…unless the Red Sox or Phillies win.
13. The books that Serena has written are published and featured in book clubs nationwide…with the exception of Oprah’s because she is evil.
14. We magically earn so much money that we’re able to create our own baseball team in Hawaii. They’ll be known as the Hawaiian Sharks.

The Rays officially introduced those jack wagons, Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez at a press conference on Tuesday. Both players were signed to a 1-year deal. This is such a mind-f*ck of a decision. What a young, energetic, and underpaid team like the Rays needs with two elderly high-priced pieces of garbage is beyond us. PLUS, Manny is lazy and smelly! What the hell??
 
Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson spent the month in South Africa conducting the vacation that Serena’s been daydreaming of since the moment she saw Air Jaws televised on Shark Week (it should be noted that as of August 2010, Shark Week is up to Air Jaws III). While in South Africa, Wilson hunted for small sand sharks (which Serena finds offensive), enjoyed a 2 ½ day safari, during which he saw lions, rhinos, hippos, and elephants, and conducted two baseball clinics—one for 250 kids and the other for 72 elite South African baseball players, 8 of which were from the most recent World Baseball Classic team. What he DIDN’T do was go great white shark watching and while Serena has absolutely no desire to conduct a baseball clinic when she visits South Africa, she will not miss the opportunity to go great white shark watching because that shit is MAJOR.

As everyone has probably heard by now, Andy Pettitte “officially” announces his retirement today. We’d be pretty naïve if we thought he wasn’t going to retire, but still the news comes as a devastating blow. We’re not going to discuss it further because like a good ostrich, Serena has chosen to look the other way and pretend like it’s not happening. If she doesn’t see it, it’s not there. Mr. Pettitte, we will miss you and your stare down over the top of your mitt.

Before we leave you, we must do a little Fred K’s Cancer promoting. We’ve finally incorporated as a charity in New York State and have been issued an EIN, which allows us to open a bank account under Fred K’s Cancer, Inc. Very exciting stuff. We’ve starting blow up people’s inboxes and mailboxes with Fred K’s Cancer Save the Date flyers (email us if you’d like to join the Fred K’s Cancer mailing list. Include your email and/or mailing address) and Serena has begun the paperwork necessary to file for non-profit status. Do you have any idea how many pages the non-profit application is? It’s obscene. Therefore, Serena gets super hero honors this week. She deserves it. We don’t want to hear any complaining about it.

Closing out today’s blog old school-style with New Kids on the Block. “Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Gonna be here soon. Step by step. Ohhh, baseball. Really want you to start right now. Step one: baseball is lots of fun. Step two: so many games to go to. Step three: it’s for Lisa and Serena to see. Step four: we hope the New York teams give us more! Step five: don’t you know the time has arrived?”

PS- We miss our little furry friends, Dancer, Rex, and Spanky. May they all frolic in Pup Pup Heaven with as many squeaky toys and doggy bones as they can handle.

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2010

In celebration of Shark Week, we asked if you wanted a customized, specially made drawing by Serena of a shark. We’re talking a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We’re disappointed to report that one of you claimed that the poll sucked like our blog. Well, guess what, pal? You’re a giant, hairy a-hole and Serena didn’t want to draw a shark for you anyway. At best, you deserve a sea urchin, but even that’s stretching it. 3 of you seemed excited about the amazing gifts she’s already displayed with Clip Art and would love a rare piece of Shark Week artwork. Congratulations to you lucky three. Please send us an email with your contact information and Serena will draw you a shark. If you have a favorite species, please include that as well or else you’re going to get a Great White. 1 individual would prefer to receive a drawing of Lisa’s brontosaurus, Bruno, so guess what? Send us an email with your contact information as well and Lisa will oblige you with a Bruno masterpiece. Finally, 1 person was skeptical and replied, “maybe, what kind of shark are we talking about here?” Well, Mr. or Mrs. The Glass is Half Empty, if you had voted yes, you would’ve gotten to specify what shark you’d get. Now you get nothing. So doom on you.

Oh and another thing to the hairy a-hole who said that our poll and blog sucked. It’s Lisa’s birthday today and you made her cry. You should be ashamed of yourself. Making a girl cry like that…especially on her birthday. You belong in the center circle of hell with Lucifer. Happy Birthday, Lisa. Don’t pay any attention to that jerk. He has no friends. Furthermore, AJ Burnett did not send Lisa flowers. He’s taking this break up a little too seriously. Winkie’s mad at him.

You may have noticed that our sidebar is now completely dominated by little buttons that say, “This blog has been nominated for…” Yes, you’re reading that correctly. We’ve been nominated. For the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Exciting ones at that. Best Sports Blog, Best Travel Blog, Best Humor Blog, and Best Blog of All Time. We’d love for you to vote for us in one, several, or all of these categories. Rationally speaking, we’re well aware that we’re not winning Best Blog of All Time, therefore if you’d like to focus all of your energy on one particular category, we’d recommend Sports or Travel. To be honest, we probably don’t have a shot at Humor either. You can vote by either clicking on the hyperlinks or the little buttons on the sidebar. The website will prompt you to set up an account, but it only takes two seconds.

On Monday night, we attended Sean Kimerling’s 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club, where we swooned over Ron Darling and ate the best red velvet cake in the history of mankind. We also met Sean Kimerling’s family, including his father, Noah Kimerling, who is adorable and kind. Rosemary Ally was so sweet to invite us to the event and we cannot begin to convey how appreciative we are to her for her kindness and guidance throughout Fred K’s journey. We didn’t take too many pictures (because it would’ve been tacky), but we’ll definitely post them to the TBB Facebook page and Fred K’s Cancer blog at our earliest opportunity.

Before we get into the most magical time of the year (ahem, Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day), we’ve got exciting news for you. Tomorrow, we’ll be attending the Mets/Phillies game at Citi Field. It’s Irish Heritage Night, which means we’re receiving awesome green Mets hats, but that’s not even the most exciting part of the evening. The most exciting part isn’t even the fact that Lisa might be getting a birthday message on the jumbotron. You might be asking yourself what could possibly be more exciting than those two things. Well, we’ll tell you. Not only will the TBB be tailgating for the first time in history (together) and not only will we take the pictures that you so enjoy viewing, but (insert drum roll) we’re also going to video this time around. That’s right, folks. You will have the chance to witness the TBB in live action. Alan, Brownie Maker’s husband, was charitable enough (and apparently trusting enough) to loan us his Flip Video Camera! Hooray for Alan. We dub him the Official TBB Key Grip. We’ll be “interviewing” sporadic Mets and Phillies fans during their tailgating festivities. Afterwards, if there’s still battery life in the camera, we’ll even try to film some of our asinine behavior during the game.

Now…for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Second Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Our relationship with Tim has really blossomed since last year’s festival. In April, Tim accompanied us to see the magnificent Broadway show, Rock of Ages. Tim had the best time. He sang along with such classics as “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “To Be With You,” “Here I Go Again,” and “Oh, Sherrie.”

In May, Tim took time off from his busy baseball-playing schedule to come to our Cinco de Mayo party. As you can see in the picture, he really loved Serena’s jello shots. Lisa is also a humongous fan of them. You’ll often find her at the end of the night, dozing in a pile of empty plastic cups that once held booze-infused jello.

A lot of people don’t know this about him, but Tim can really bust a move. On the way home from 10 Cent Wing Night (Tim pounded a whole bucket, by the way) at Hooters, “Too Legit To Quit” came on the radio and we jumped on it. He often talks about that song being “his jam.”

To congratulate us on Fred K’s Cancer’s success, Tim took us on a night on the town. Don’t you think we look spiffy?

On Sunday, Serena’s high school friend, Meryl got married. Serena was a little stressed about being the only single bridesmaid in the bridal party, so Tim (who’s such a gentleman) decided to be her date. He was a big hit among the bridal party, although no one really knew who he was. It was probably his slick dance moves that won their approval. He even bought Serena an awesome light up broach to pin to her dress. Unfortunately, since she had to match the other bridesmaids, Serena couldn’t wear it, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate the gesture. It was lovely.

Last night, we went to a sports bar for Lisa’s birthday. Tim had the wait staff supply an amazing chocolate cake with birthday candles. Serena almost ruined the surprise, which is why Tim is looking away and laughing. Oh, that Tim.

It’s time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section. Did you know…
…that he loves the Beatles?
…that his middle name is Leroy? Just like Erin’s rooster statue.
…that he has a talent for memorizing song lyrics, which is why his teammates call him “The Human Jukebox?” That’s why he’s a “Jukebox Hero. Got stars in his eyes…”
…that his favorite television show is The Family Guy?
…that in his Major League debut against the Phillies on May 6, 2007, he struck out the side?
…that according to two different websites, his favorite food is either fried bologna or cinnamon rolls?
…that his favorite color is green (just like Serena)?
…that he’s 11-6 on the season so far with a 3.41 ERA, 163 strikeouts, and 59 walks?

Baseball Notes: In Sunday night’s game against the Red Sox, Derek Jeter hit his 2,874th career hit, an RBI single off of Josh Beckett, and passing Babe Ruth on the Yankees All Time Hits list.

The Braves announced yesterday that Chipper Jones’ season is done. He tore his anterior cruciate ligament (better known as his ACL) going after a routine ground ball and will need surgery to repair the damage. The estimated time to recover following a surgery of this type is 6 months, which puts Jones in the position of being ready for Opening Day 2011. However, he’s already made statements implicating that this might be his last season. Did Chipper Jones play his last MLB game ever and it was only seen by the local networks? How depressing!

Since Tim’s such a big Beatles fan, we leave you with, “Love, love Timmy do. You know we love you. We’ll always be true. So please, please, please, please, love Timmy too.”