Watching Paint Dry is More Entertaining

So…we had 1 vote this week. Nice job, guys. It’s not like we asked you to do long division. It was legitimately the easiest poll imaginable. All you had to do was pick which team you thought would win the All Star Game. That 1 vote went to the National League and we’re not even going to congratulate you for being right because we know you voted after the game was played. You freakin’ cheater.

Apparently the TBB know nothing about home run hitters because both of us were wrong. In fact, neither of our choices even advanced to the final round. Serena’s Holliday tanked in the first round and Lisa’s Cabrera sucked a fat one in the second. Fatty Ortiz beat out Hanley Ramirez (who thought HE’D make it to the final round? Don’t lie and say you did. You’re the one who probably voted for the National League after the game was over) with 11 home runs to Ramirez’s 5. We don’t know about you, but we thought this year’s Derby was a little dull in comparison to the last two. Oh, well. We suppose that they all can’t live up to Josh Hamilton’s stellar performance at Yankees Stadium 2 years ago.

As you’ve probably heard by now (unless you live in a bomb shelter underground), the Yankees suffered two major losses heading into the All Star Break, neither affecting their season win-loss record. Early on Sunday morning, the Yankees announced that long time PA announcer, Bob Sheppard died at the age 99. He was known around the league as the “Voice of God” and held his position at Yankees Stadium for nearly 5 decades.

Keeping with the apparent somber theme of this blog, on the morning before the All Star Game, Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner died at the age 80. According to reports, he had a heart attack and was taken to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida where he died at around 6:30 am. He’d owned the Yankees for 37 years. Under his reign, the team won 7 World Series championships, 11 AL pennants, and 16 AL East titles.

A video tribute to Steinbrenner was shown at the All Star Game and a moment of silence was shared prior to the National Anthem. The Yankees wore black armbands in memory of he and Sheppard and the US, Canadian, and California flags were lowered to half staff.

Now onto an extremely dull display of baseball. The National League won 3-1, the team’s first win since 1996. We think that might be a longer drought than the Islanders’ having won a playoff game and that’s saying a lot. The NL took the lead in the 7th when Brian McCann hit a bases clearing, 3-run double off of Matt Thornton. Let us repeat. Not a triple. A double. He’s literally the slowest man in professional sports. Serena could probably run faster than him and she considers a level “4” on the treadmill hardcore running. Lisa sprints at “5.5.” This hit earned him All Star MVP honors. Even better than that, it earned him an award that’s considered higher than Oscar or an ESPY. A Pulitzer or Nobel, you ask? No. Much more prestigious than that. He’s the TBB Super Hero of the Week. When we delivered the news, he cried, thanked God, and offered to take us to a celebratory dinner at Hooters with Frenchy Boy. McCann is a nice guy…unlike SOME baseball players we know that play third for the Mets. Not mentioning names.

Matt Capps (Nationals) got the win while Phil Hughes (Yankees) suffered the loss since the runners on base before McCann hit the double were his responsibility.

Baseball Notes:
The Yankees will wear patches on their uniforms in honor of Steinbrenner and Sheppard. The Steinbrenner patch will be worn over the interlocking NY on the home jerseys and over the York on the away jerseys.

The Sheppard patch will be worn on the left sleeve. Both are on the left side, near the heart.

Serena’s future husband has been placed on the 15-day DL due to a concussion that he received last week when someone from the Blue Jays (not mentioning any names, but it sounds like Mohn JcDonald) accidentally kneed him in the head. Serena’s been working diligently on getting Morneau back to form and ready for their honeymoon. We’re not going to address that vicious rumor that he impregnated his current wife. That’s really going to put a damper on his relationship with Serena. *sigh*

Carlos Beltran made his season debut last night against Tim Lincecum and the Giants, going 1-4 and was caught stealing and picking his nose in the dugout on several occasions. We’re glad to see that nothing’s changed.

“Cos’ You Told Me To, Drill Sergeant”

You may or may not have noticed that we blatantly disregarded reporting the results of last week’s poll (in which we asked you who you felt would make the best MLB manager). To be perfectly honest, we didn’t even notice that we forgot to until a few days ago cos’ we’re that brand of special. Therefore, we’ll give you the results of this week’s poll along with last week’s today. Last week, 7 of you chimed in regarding best MLB manager. Alarmingly, no one voted for King Julian. We strongly feel that if Maurice was here, he would’ve voted for King Julen. Probably Mort as well. 2 people voted for The Mexican (though we must admit that this statistic is skewed slightly because Serena is one of those votes. Because she thought she was funny). #1 Fan Steph voted for Lisa and the rest of the votes went to Serena, which means that it’s time for the Mets to take her letter seriously and start implementing her genius plans of action. Or pay her to implement them.

Our most recent poll referenced those darling Twins fans who agreed to pose for a photograph with us in the parking lot of Citi Field. We wanted to know if our readers were as nice as these Twins fans and asked you if you would’ve stopped and posed for a photo with us. Turns out…you borderline hate us. 1 person actually voted for “No. You two are pretty much the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen.” No joke. That option legitimately earned a vote. Maybe you don’t understand what sarcasm is about. That choice was suppose to make you laugh, not inspire you to select it. Jeez. 1 person said, “Maybe…what is that stench?” So…even in our photos, we smell bad. Comforting. Good to know. Finally, 1 person said, “Yes, if you let me rub up against you.” This is either #1 Fan Steph taking pity on us or this person is a pervert. If he (or she) is a pervert, we’ll take it because any pervert is better than the person who thinks we’re assholes.

Our favorite event of the All Star Break has always been the Home Run Derby. We personally find it to be the most entertaining. Who doesn’t love watching home runs? Plus, its participants usually belong there because they’ve consistently proven their ability to hit the long ball. This is not a popularity contest. It’s a contest of pure muscle and hitting power. Now batting, this year’s Home Run Derby Contestants:

David Ortiz (Boston)
Miguel Cabrera (Detroit)
Vernon Wells (Toronto)
Corey Hart (Milwaukee)
Matt Holliday (St. Louis)

TBB Picks for the Winner:
Serena says Holliday
Lisa says Cabrera

Without further ado, behold your All Star Teams for 2010! Below, we’ve presented you with the rosters as they appear at blogging time. We feel that we’ve got to specify this because things could change between now and Tuesday and we don’t want to hear complaints from you that we’ve lied. We understand that we’ve fabricated entire stories for you in the past, but this is not one of those circumstances. We assure you that we’ve gotten this information from a reliable source. Lisa will then take a crack at dissecting (and by dissecting, we mean that she’ll either bitch about the choices made or applaud them) the National League’s starting lineup, while Serena will take on the American League’s. Since you’ve made it clear by your votes that you feel that Serena would make a good MLB manager, you should take what she has to say to heart. Just throwing it out there. You can choose to catch it or drop it. It should also be noted that neither of us voted for anybody to go to the All Star Game in protest of this ridiculous popularity contest, so technically we have zero right to bitch. We repeat: not one vote was placed on behalf of either member of the TBB.

NATIONAL LEAGUE
Starting Lineup:

Yadier Molina (St. Louis) C
Albert Pujols (St. Louis) 1B
Chase Utley (Philadelphia) 2B* replaced by Martin Prado (Atlanta) due to injury
David Wright (New York) 3B
Hanley Ramirez (Florida) SS
Ryan Braun (Milwaukee) OF
Jason Heyward (Atlanta) OF
Andre Ethier (Los Angeles) OF

Pitchers:

Jonathan Broxton (Los Angeles)
Chris Carpenter (St. Louis)
Matt Capps (Washington)
Yovani Gallardo (Milwaukee)* replaced by Heath Bell (San Diego) due to injury
Roy Halladay (Philadelphia)
Tim Hudson (Atlanta)
Ubaldo Jimenez (Colorado)
Josh Johnson (Florida)
Tim Lincecum (San Francisco)
Evan Meek (Pittsburgh)
Arthur Rhodes (Cincinnati)
Adam Wainwright (St. Louis)
Brian Wilson (San Francisco)

Reserves:

Brian McCann (Atlanta) C
Ryan Howard (Philadelphia) 1B
Adrian Gonzalez (San Diego) 1B
Omar Infante (Atlanta) INF
Troy Tulowitzki (Colorado) SS* replaced by Jose Reyes (New York)
Brandon Phillips (Cincinnati) 2B
Scott Rolen (Cincinnati) 3B
Michael Bourn (Houston) OF
Marlon Byrd (Chicago) OF
Corey Hart (Milwaukee) OF
Matt Holliday (St. Louis) OF
Chris Young (Arizona) OF

Final Roster Spot: Joey Votto (Cincinnati)

**Notes on the National League Roster: Jason Heyward is still questionable as to whether or not he’ll participate in the All Star Game. He had been placed on the 15-day DL due to a deep bone bruise in his left thumb (scheduled to return next week). He plans on taking batting practice this weekend when the Braves play the Mets at Citi Field. If successful, Heyward will play on Tuesday.

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Starting Lineup:

Joe Mauer (Minnesota) C
Justin Morneau (Minnesota) 1B
Robinson Cano (New York) 2B
Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay) 3B
Derek Jeter (New York) SS
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle) OF
Josh Hamilton (Texas) OF
Carl Crawford (Tampa Bay) OF
Valdimir Guerrero (Texas) DH

Pitchers:

Clay Buchholz (Boston)* replaced by Andy Pettitte (New York) due to injury
Trevor Cahill (Oakland)
Fausto Carmona (Cleveland)
Neftali Feliz (Texas)
Phil Hughes (New York)
Cliff Lee (Seattle)
Jon Lester (Boston)
David Price (Tampa Bay)
Mariano Rivera (New York)* replaced by Rafael Soriano (Tampa Bay) due to nagging injuries
CC Sabathia (New York)* replaced by Jered Weaver (Anaheim) due to ineligibility
Joakim Soria (Kansas City)
Matt Thornton (Chicago)
Jose Valverde (Detroit)

Reserves:

Victor Martinez (Boston) C* replaced by John Buck (Toronto) due to injury
Miguel Cabrera (Detroit) 1B
Dustin Pedroia (Boston) 2B* replaced by Ian Kinsler (Texas) due to injury
Elvis Andrus (Texas) SS
Alex Rodriguez (New York) 3B
Adrian Beltre (Boston) 3B
Ty Wigginton (Baltimore) INF
Torii Hunter (Anaheim) OF
Vernon Wells (Toronto) OF
Jose Bautista (Toronto) OF
David Ortiz (Boston) DH

Final Roster Spot: Nick Swisher (New York)

**Notes on the American League Roster: The new rule imposed regarding pitchers in the All Star Game states that “pitchers who work the final game before the break are ineligible to be on the active roster of an All Star squad.” Sabathia will pitch against the Mariners’ Rowland-Smith on Sunday, therefore he’s been replaced by Weaver. Strangely, Weaver is also scheduled to pitch on Sunday, against Oakland’s Sheets. At blogging time, we’re uncertain as to whether or not Weaver will remain an eligible replacement for Sabathia.

Lisa agrees with the following NL selected players: Molina, Pujols, Utley, Ramirez and Braun.

She would’ve replaced Ethier with Jeff Francouer simply because he’s Frenchy Boy and while TOWSNBN is her future husband (who refuses to acknowledge her), she would’ve gone with Ryan Zimmerman at third. If she had to exchange anyone else in the starting lineup, it would’ve been Pujols for Adrian Gonzalez, but she’s satisfied in the fact that Gonzalez is a member of the reserves.

For the American League, we’re pretty sure that no one is going to question whether or not Serena agrees with the fans’ choice for first base. It should be understood. In terms of the starting lineup, the only player that Serena would not have cast a vote for is Ichiro Suzuki, but that decision would not have been based on talent/performance. It would’ve been based purely on personal animosity against that man. When visiting Seattle, Suzuki callously stole one of the banana nut muffins that she had taken from the hotel’s free breakfast buffet. Because of him, she went hungry for an entire day, which is ridiculous because he’s obviously not hurting for cash. We hadn’t mentioned this previously because the action did not jeopardize our enjoyment of Safeco Field, but now that the subject of her hatred is coming into question, we feel that it’s important information to share with you. In any case, she loyally would’ve voted for Torii Hunter as she’s done every year since his arrival upon the MLB scene. Thankfully, Hunter is at least a member of the reserve team. Additionally, her third OF vote would have typically gone to Ken Griffey Jr. (as it always has since the day she began voting for the All Star Game), but since he’s no longer playing (*sniffle*), Hamilton is an acceptable replacement. And just so we’re clear, she would’ve voted for Jeter…begrudgingly.

In unrelated news, our time period for accepting donations for this year’s Fred K’s Cancer event has drawn to a close. We successfully raised $2,400 to be split between the Oral Cancer Foundation and Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundations! Each organization will receive $1,200. The checks were mailed this week and should be arriving sometime early next week. Many thanks to all who participated and supported the event. Without your help, our it would not have been as successful as it was. We look forward to filing for non-profit status in the upcoming months and planning for next year’s event!

Now that Fred K’s Cancer has come to an end (for now), the time to save boobs is upon us. Serena has registered for Long Island’s Making Strides Against Breast Cancer for the second year in a row and will be walking in memory of Grannydukes. Click here to view her personal fundraising page and to read more about Grannydukes and how to support breast cancer research. If you’d like to save boobs one dollar at a time, be sure to hit the little donate button at the bottom of the page. You can also access this page from the side bar as well as in our “Meet Serena” page located beneath the blog’s title box.

Since he’s a member of the American League’s starting lineup and looks damn sexy, sexy in the picture we have posted, Joe Mauer will remain the reigning TBB Super Hero of the Week…for the third straight week. Before you judge us, no. We’re not keeping him just because we’re too lazy to come up with someone new. He just deserves the title, okay? What’s wrong with that?

Let’s allow Scandal to ring in the upcoming All Star Break with, “hitting balls over the wall, bang, bang. You are an All Star Warrior. You’re an All Star and heart to heart, you’ll win.”

Serena, Did a Leaf Just Fall into Your Cleavage?

Yes. A leaf did fall into Serena’s cleavage. Just one of many cons that come with mobile blogging.

Last week we asked if other teams should adopt the Dodgers’ policy of offering fans a hotline number for them to tattle on the a-hole fans sitting in their section. Of 5 votes, 3 of you actually felt that a-hole fans are just part of the charm of being at a sporting event. Charm? Really? You do realize that we were being sarcastic when we wrote that, don’t you? Apparently you like smelly people, unclassy individuals smacking Erin in the back of the head with a bag of water/soda bottles, and children running amuck or kicking you in the vag*na (granted, this happened at Sea World, not a Dodger Stadium, but we feel strongly that this “Report an A-hole” hotline policy should be implemented nationwide). A mere 2 souls agree with us that this genius plan of the Dodgers is flippin’ genius. We shall all join forces and report half the people in our sections. Together, we will unite under one banner and single-handedly wipe out the a-holes and vag*na kickers from the face of the planet.

Pardon this post of randomness. We just couldn’t help ourselves this week. We’re mentally fried. We know what you’re thinking right now: “Yeah, like you two are some sort of Albert Einstein’s or something.” Easy, tiger(s). We promise you that Fred K’s Cancer has eaten a ton of brain cells these past few days and that we’re going to strive to be “even better (like a professional)” after the event is over.

One of Lisa’s co-workers recently made a road trip to Baltimore and bought Lisa a midget version of The Bird. Lisa has grandiose ideas about replacing our current The Bird with this midget version for the rest of our stadium trips. Do you feel like this is being a traitor to our mascots? Be honest. We trust you…sometimes.

In his second MLB outing, Stephen Strasburg continued to shine, limited the Indians’ to just 2 hits, the first one being a leadoff home run to Travis Hafner (who apparently got a major piece of Strasburg’s 100 mph fast ball). He struck out 8 and walked 5 before exiting the game in the 6th. The Nationals won 9-4, ending the Indians’ 4-game winning streak.

Keeping with the tradition of pitching perfection this year, Ted Lily carried a no-hitter all the way into the 9th on Sunday night when PH Juan Pierre ruined it by leading off the inning with a single. The Cubs hung on regardless and defeated the White Sox 1-0. Prior to first pitch, the Chicago Blackhawks gathered on the mound, holding the Stanley Cup and were cheered by Cubs and White Sox fans alike. Yeah, well, we still say that “We’re All Islanders…”

During the Jays/Padres game on Monday night, play momentarily stopped in the 8th inning when Petco Park swayed during a 5.7 rated earthquake that was centered just outside Ocotillo in Imperial City, which is approximately 85 miles east of San Diego. The right field foul pole and TV’s in the press box swayed a bit and manager Cito Gaston said he felt the dugout move, but some players claim to have not felt anything! We’re pretty sure that if this happened while we were there, we would’ve fled the stadium screaming as if the Apocalypse just hit…of course, after taking proper photo documentation and video of the event so that we could upload it to the blog…and ransacking the BBQ stand for all of the pulled pork sandwiches (What? If it’s the end of the world as we know it, we’re going to need food in order to survive!).

Bobby Valentine confirmed on Monday’s “Michael Kay Show” that he’s met with the Orioles regarding the open manager position. We are terrified on behalf of the Baltimore community and Erin, but we’re super happy to have missed THAT radio show. Wow. Talk about getting two lame personalities together in the same room.

Speaking of the Orioles, Tim Lincecum struck out 10 O’s batters during Wednesday night’s game before taking a line drive hit by Miguel Tejada off of his right shoulder in the 6th. He was removed from the game, but manager Bruce Boaty assures us that, “Timmy is fine.”

At the ripe young age of 47, Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to beat the Yankees on Wednesday night. We suspect that he’s going to be breaking these kinds of records a lot over the remainder of his career.

Bud Selig announced that the All Star Game will be played at Kauffman Stadium (Royals’ home turf, for those of you who are not stadium connoisseurs like us) in 2012. Please do not misunderstand this next rant. We have nothing against the All Star Game being in Kansas City. Everyone should get an opportunity to host the All Star Game (with the exception of the Oakland Athletics because Dallas Braden doesn’t know how to play nice in the sandbox). However, what exactly are the criteria for determining who hosts the All Star Game? Before the 2009 season came to a close, Selig already announced that Citi Field would host the 2011 game. We haven’t even reached the 2010 break and he’s telling us that the 2012 game will be in Kansas City. Why is he jumping the gun like this? He’s a surprise ruiner! He doesn’t even allow us the chance to be excited about the upcoming All Star Game before announcing the locations for the rest of the decade’s games.

Finally, Sunday’s the big day…no, not the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium. We’ve got more important matters to take care of. The day we’ve been babbling about has finally arrived. FRED K’S CANCER! Hooray! At blogging time, we’ve raised $1,500! We’re only short of our fundraising goal by $500! Not bad, considering it’s our first event! For those of you who haven’t donated yet *coughahemcoughbrad-zieglercoughahemcough*, we’ll continue accepting donations until July 1st. Since she’s been over-the-top helpful regarding this event, we’re dubbing Vita Zorbo, owner of the West Hempstead Lady of America Fitness Center, TBB Super Hero of the Week!

Before signing off, we’d like to wish Papadukes and Papa L. a Happy Father’s Day!