Playoff Pandemonium

Shall we start the blog off with poll results? We asked you a simple question Love or Hate the new playoff structure? Looks like all of you TBB followers came out to vote (10) and these were the results. Eight of you sons of b*tches like this new format which saddens us cause we told you already we hated it and now you are going against us. You should agree with us at all times because we are awesome and hilarious and all around good time. Shame on you! We guess even followers are entitled to their own opinion even if it’s wrong. Two people voted for hate it. We like them. If we knew who you were we would let you buy us beer and wings and experience the most comical day of your life.

Before we go on to baseball related stuff that we think is important enough to grace the pages of this glorious blog we need to mention a few things. Yesterday our friends Maureen and Jerry tied the knot. Congratulations! We had a great time. Serena performed her bridesmaid duties which included acting like a lady and not cursing while Lisa enjoyed the open bar and showing off her Zumba moves on the dance floor. Lisa is tired lazy and will apologize in advance for this blog for its just Daphne today Velma is off working her real job. No word on her stalking storm troopers so she must be behaving herself at The Autism Walk. I wish Serena and the gang all the luck today in raising money and awareness for Autism.

Now onto the baseball sh*t! So let’s have a short and sweet recap. I will try to make this as painless as possible. We found out on Wednesday that the Yankees and Oakland Athletics clinched their division titles.  The Yankees would give Boston a certifiable ass whipping and the Baltimore Orioles would take the first AL wild card spot. Oakland won over Texas causing Texas to claim the second spot. Fun times had by all I am sure.

Speaking of this Wild Card crap lets briefly cover what went down on these one game sudden death elimination (Ok I am being a bit dramatic). On Friday the Braves played the St. Louis Cardinals for the National League Wild Card bullsh*t. It did not end as Lisa would have hoped it to. Lisa was wishing that Carlos Beltran would pull the crap he did in the 2006 National league Championship game when he played for the Mets. In case you forgot he struck out while looking with the winning run on board. Never Forget! She is still looking for closure! Unfortunately that did not happen the Braves had three errors and a bad call by one of the umpires in the eight when Andrelton Simmons hit a fly ball that looked like a given out for the Cardinals. Pete Kozma initially called for the ball but then allowed it to drop between him and Holliday. The fans thought the Braves had loaded the bases while trailing by three runs and one out. Fans would realize that the left field umpire had made a late infield fly ruling calling Simmons out and leaving runners on second and third. It then got pretty ugly. Fans started throwing bottles, cups, and other items on the field causing a 19 minute delay. I love passionate fans. I am making them the TBB Super hero of the week. They are far classier then what Serena and I would have probably done had this happen to one of our teams. Braves would go on to lose 6-3 to the Cardinals. The Cardinals are to play the Washington Nationals today. Lisa is becoming a Nationals fan and will use her hat and free t-shirt as well as her mascot puppet while she roots on the Nats. Lisa refuses to live in a world where Carlos Beltran could possible go to the World Series. In the AL Wild Card game the Baltimore Orioles beat the Texas Rangers with a score of 5-1 and so the Orioles will be playing the Yankees today for the first game of their series. The TBB are hoping for a 4^th game so that we can attend the playoff tickets we purchased. That being said we are allowing the Orioles to win one game. That’s it! I know what you’re saying to yourself.” Those ladies are so sweet to grant that”. Statues should be made of us for our random acts of kindness.

So as stands taking game 1 of their division series are the Cincinnati Reds who beat the San Francisco Giants yesterday with a score of 5-2 and the Detroit Tigers took game 1 over the Oakland Athletics with a score of 3-1. Lot’s of baseball to be had today everyone is playing oh and football too. I suppose I should get this show on the road and mention a few more things so we all can get to drinking beer and watching sports!

Miguel Cabrera won baseball’s first Triple Crown in 45 years on Wednesday night. Cabrera led the American League with a .330 batting average, 44 home runs and 139 RBIs, making him the 15^th Triple Crown winner and the first since Boston’s Carl Yastrzemski in 1967. He did very well on Lisa’s fantasy baseball team but he alone could not carry The Asstastic Bunch to first place we finished in 5^th.

On Thursday I received notification on my portable internet machine from one of the baseball apps that stated late breaking news “Bobby Valentine is fired. “ Let’s be real late breaking news would have been if Bobby Valentine kept his job. Valentine went 69-93 in his only year as the Boston Red Sox manager. It should also be noted that this was the worst record in almost 50 years for Boston. The only person sad about this is Lisa’s mother and it’s not because she is a Boston Fan it’s because she has a crush on him. Speaking of Jobs as one door closes another one opens well not for Bobby V but for former Boston Red Sox manger Terry Francona. Terry has been hired this week to be manager of the Cleveland Indians, a team that collapsed in the second half of the season after a promising four months in the beginning.

Cue in curtains, The End! Go on and enjoy lots of booze, baseball and football you have been dismissed students!

The MLB Continues Not to Hire Us

Last week’s poll focused on the Red Sox’s pending decision regarding their new manager. At blogging time, the candidates had been narrowed down to Bobby Valentine and Gene Lamont. Naturally, because we’re jerk offs, we can’t just give you two normal options to choose from and as usual, you did not fail to deliver stupidity. This is why you continue to amuse us. Of the 8 votes, 4 of you wisely chose Serena. Obviously, she is a feisty, intelligent, and no BS kind of girl. She’d make an excellent manager. Unfortunately, she was not even considered for the position, which is a damn shame. Since she has little to no respect for the majority of the players on the Red Sox, she could’ve easily overhauled that lineup and revamped its attitude without adding any new players, saving the franchise a boat load of money! Quite simply, all she would’ve had to do was destroy whatever self-respect and ego these players had, make them feel less like men and more like pathetic and sniveling peons, and then slowly rebuild them into respectable, unselfish, and team-minded athletes. Following the mental renovation, the players would be put on a strict diet and workout regime. There’s no room for overweight and out of shape players on this team. The fried chicken and beer would have to be saved for the off season (hear that, Red Sox bullpen?). The men who crumbled under the pressure clearly do not belong on this redesigned team and would therefore be disposed of as she can’t afford dead weight in the clubhouse. Alas, this will not be so.

This signals the third time that Serena has been rejected for a position with the MLB. You may recall that prior to their financial ruin, Serena had reached out to the Mets offering to be a consultant for the team. She’s pretty confident that her being a Yankees fan had something to do with their lack of responsiveness, but it’s quite clear that they needed her assistance badly. Just look at the mess they got themselves into. She also later applied for a community events position with the Pittsburgh Pirates. She never heard back from them either. Still can’t figure out what went wrong with that one. As a package deal, we recommended our skill sets on several occasions to the MLB, including offering to serve on the panel of experts designated to choose the individuals to fill the open management positions following the 2010 season (including the Mets). We even suggested ourselves as the replacement Kansas City Royals’ mascot after an awkward hot dog incident left the original individual unemployed.

The next runner up in the poll with 3 votes is Buddy the Elf. This is a fine choice as we’re pretty sure that Buddy would pretty much run the Red Sox into the ground, leaving the AL East title wide open for the Yankees. J 1 person went the adult route and chose Bobby Valentine. Boo hiss. No one voted for Gene Lamont. Poor Gene. He’s like the fat kid last to be picked for Dodgeball. It’s okay, Gene. Have some cake.

On the subject of our poll, earlier this week, the Red Sox officially announced Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Awesome. So they’ve traded in a creepy, level 5-looking manager (albeit a good one) for a loud-mouthed, arrogant a-hole. Good times. Valentine’s new role includes a 2-year contract with options for the 2014 and 2015 seasons.

Late Thursday night, the Marlins reached a deal with closer Heath Bell for 3 years, pending a physical (as always). The contract is reportedly worth $27 million. So far, the Marlins have certainly flexed their off season muscles. New name, new stadium, and new tacky uniforms obviously require a new roster, right?

Mariano Rivera had surgery to remove polyps on his vocal cords yesterday at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He won’t be able to speak for a week, but he’ll be fully recovered in one month and the procedure should have zero effect on his pitching ability for the upcoming season.

There has been no update on the Jose Reyes front, though Mets GM Sandy Alderson claims that he plans on reopening talks with the a-hole short stop’s representation during the Winter Meetings, which begin on Monday in Dallas.

Joe Mauer has been busy preparing for the 2012 season after his 2011 season came to a close thanks to a bout of pneumonia. According to Mauer, he’s “healthy and happy.” That’s nice. And reassuring for Twins fans and potential fantasy baseball participants (ahem, Tigers Love Pepper). But what kind of non-elderly person contracts pneumonia?? This still bugs us! What’s next for Mauer? Yellow Fever? Small Pox? Dentures?

Last week, we announced our 2012 stadium tour schedule. While we haven’t been able to buy tickets yet, we’re pretty confident in which games we’d like to go to. In fact, we’ve been so bold as to book our airfare to Toronto thanks to a great deal we found on Black Friday. We’ll be in (Oh) Canada from July 26^th-29^th and plan on seeing the Jays play the Tigers either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The goal is to visit Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, but right now that’s still up in the air. We’ll be able to provide a more definite answer on that in January when Lisa gets her time off approved. Finally, we plan on driving down to DC on Friday, August 31^st or Saturday, September 1^st for a Nationals/Cardinals game. Exciting, exciting. Now we wait with bated breath for single-game tickets to go on sale.

How to Make Lisa Depressed in 5 Votes or Less

There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to last week’s poll. We wish there was point to it, but there isn’t. We asked what would you do for a Klondike Bar. Unfortunately, it seems like you people have grossly interpreted the choices that were made available to you. Now Lisa wants to kill herself and/or gorge herself on M&M cookies. You were supposed to pick the “extreme sport” that you’d be willing to do in order to be rewarded with a Klondike Bar. As in I love Klondike Bars so much that I’d do this just to get one! 5 of you chose “Make out with Lisa.” Do you really think that making out with Lisa is equivalent to an extreme sport? Or did you cotton-headed ninny muggings really think that by choosing this option, you’d get a chance to make out with Lisa? 1 person chose “attempt to ride a great white shark across the Atlantic Ocean.” It’s no secret as to who the person is that chose this option. If you need it spelled out for you, you clearly do not read this blog often enough. Other acceptable choices would have been: wrestling a bear, standing on your head for one whole hour in the middle of Times Square, eating 6 pizzas in one sitting, or streaking through the quad.  

On Monday, Justin Verlander became the first starting pitcher since 1986 (young Boston pitcher, Roger Clemens) to win the AL MVP Award with 280 points. Jacoby Ellsbury finished second in the race with 242 points. There have been arguments against Verlander being the winner, citing that Ellsbury’s numbers/contributions outweigh the worth of Verlander’s. Apparently, there are also a few folks displeased with the outcome of the NL MVP race. Ryan Braun finished ahead of Matt Kemp by 56 points on Tuesday. It’s easier to compare the numbers of Braun to Kemp considering that both are outfielders whereas Ellsbury’s batting and fielding statistics are a wash when compared to Verlander’s pitching statistics. Verlander doesn’t even hit. They’re simply not comparable. The discussion surrounding Braun and Kemp does not lie in the offensive stats, but in the fielding. Braun is not a good fielder, whereas Kemp is. Plus, Kemp plays centerfield, the most important position in the outfield while Braun patrols left. It is hard to argue in favor of a player whose team did not make the playoffs against a player whose team did. Neither Ellsbury nor Kemp helped the Red Sox and Dodgers advance to the playoffs. In fact, both teams failed to perform up to expectations. The Red Sox, in particular, suffered a major collapse at the hands of the Rays late in the season. The MVP should be given to the player that has brought the most value to a team. It boils down to this: Ellsbury might be more valuable in the sense that he played every day and contributed to his team every day, but when push comes to shove, Verlander’s performance directly contributed to the Tigers making it to the playoffs. Ellsbury’s every day playing did nothing to help the Red Sox. Kemp might be a better fielder, but his fielding did not help the Dodgers. Braun’s offensive prowess did however help the Brewers make it to the post season.

The Twins have parted ways with yet another player this week. Closer Joe Nathan signed a 2-year deal with the Rangers worth $14.5 million. This addition will move closer Neftali Feliz into the rotation next season. This begs us to ask the question: are the Twins going to retain anyone??

Mariners outfielder Greg Halman was stabbed to death in his home in Rotterdam, Netherlands. His younger brother was arrested as a suspect in the incident. An investigating judge has ordered that the brother be detained for an additional 2 weeks. Between the abduction and this murder, this baseball offseason is starting to sound like a typical NFL offseason…or NFL regular season for that matter.

The Red Sox are expected to announce their new manager within the next few days. The options have been whittled down to either Bobby Valentine or Gene Lamont. This decision obviously has more effect on Serena than Lisa being that Lisa is a Mets fan and has more of an adverse reaction to anything Phillies-related. Therefore, Serena prefers Gene Lamont because the sight of him and the sound of his voice won’t make her throw up in her mouth like Bobby Valentine will. So…Red Sox, if you’re listening, go with Lamont. We know what we’re talking about. Look at what has happened to the teams/players in the past who haven’t listened to us…most specifically the Mets.

In touring-related news, we’ve finally decided which series we’ll be going to this season! We’ll be visiting Atlanta in May for the Braves/Nationals series, Toronto in July for the Blue Jays/Tigers series (the fact that Verlander pitches for Detroit is a minor coincidence), and DC in August for the Nationals/Cardinals series. MLB 2012, here we come!

Horrible poll voters, “you’re the meaning in Lisa’s life, you’re not the inspiration. You bring Lisa on the edge and now she might jump.”

MLB Career Builder

Before we get down to discussing our newest role, let’s talk poll results. We asked you who you would’ve chosen as the new the Mets manager if you had to choose between Bobby Valentine and Jerry Manuel. All 4 of you (yes, 4) felt that if these were your only two choices, you were going to call it a day and the Mets would be dead to you. You’ll be switching your allegiance to the Pirates. Wow. You truly are as angry and bitter as we are. The other two options to vote for were “Jerry Manuel can hardly speak. Even though he’s a jerk, I’m going with Valentine simply because he has some concept of the English language” or “I’d rather have a manager that I can laugh at for his idiocy than a manager who’s a dull idiot. I choose Manuel.” We agree that there is no lesser of the two evils in this situation.

You may have noticed that lately, managers just can’t keep their jobs. Following the defeat of the Orioles earlier this week, the Marlins fired manager Fred Gonzalez, as well as their bench and hitting coaches, Carlos Tosca and Jim Preseley. Edwin Rodriguez, who has spent the past 1 ½ seasons managing Triple-A New Orleans, will take over as manager in the interim. Brandon Hyde and John Mallee will resume the role of bench and hitting coaches…also in the interim. This news doesn’t come too long after the Orioles’ firing of Dave Trembley.

Since teams are having such difficulty finding suitable managers to run their ships (for f’s sakes, everyone wants to interview that no talent a$$ clown, Bobby Valentine), we’ve decided to commission a panel of exceedingly qualified individuals to screen potential applicants for MLB management positions. You will see in this photograph that this panel of highly trained operatives consists of King Julien, Serena, Lisa, and a Mexican. Before you get all snippety, we assure you that he’s a very important Mexican. His government can hardly function when he’s absent.

After a long, arduous discussion that lasted many days, pizza pies, cases of beer, and several bottles of wine, we came up with a list of credentials that any individual interested in applying for a manager’s position should possess.

1. Managers should not have a belly that hangs over their belt. It is vital for a manager to be able to survive the frequent trips from the dugout to the mound and an enormous belly is bound to send someone participating in that type of physical exertion into cardiac arrest. We just can’t have that. For the sake of the children.
2. It is necessary for you to have had played baseball at some point in your life. T-ball is acceptable, but the collegiate level and/or higher is preferred. How do you expect to run a baseball team when you’ve never played the sport? We can’t have hypocrites running the league. For the sake of the children.
3. We’d like you to have a college degree, but apparently that’s not a realistic request, therefore a high school diploma will have to do. And no. A GED does not count. Graduate on time like the rest of us did. For the sake of the children.
4. You must be able to articulate complete sentences during press conferences. This means that anyone similar to Mumbles from Dick Tracy need not apply. For the sake of the children.
5. Must be a competent strategist. If you enjoy leaving your pitcher out there for an inordinate length of time to be pummeled by the opposing team’s offense, then this job is clearly not for you. We are seeking people with strong leadership skills who can determine the appropriate time to call the damn bull pen! For the sake of the children.
6. Capable of controlling unruly or lazy players. Not running out a ground ball should not be tolerated, nor should a hissy fit in the dugout be swept under the rug. We’re dealing with adults, not toddlers. When issuing punishment, if your player should attempt to retaliate, you should have the strength to knock that player on his a$$ without fearing any repercussions from upper management. We’re telling you that from here on out, the buck stops with you. It’s time you put those bratty weenies in their damn place. For the sake of the children.
7. It highly recommended that you not make large bets against your own team. This should not require further explanation. For the sake of the children.
8. Since the manager is at the forefront of every team, the individual in that role should appear presentable. Hopefully, this will set a good example and trickle down to the players, inspiring a few haircuts, a shower, a shave, and perhaps a clean uniform? For the sake of the children.

Anyone interested in applying for a management position should email their resume to the Traveling Baseball Babes. Thank you.

Some of you may actually care to know that the Fred K’s Cancer walk was a success! We raised $2,300 on the day and we managed to do it without any sort of large donation made by coughahembradzieglercoughahem. We’re still accepting donations until July 1st so if you’re interested, you can still support the Freds! If not, feel free to ignore this entire paragraph and proceed to the next one.

We’ll be at the Mets/Twins game on Sunday, scoring a free travel mug and hopefully a boyfriend with the initials JM. If we’re to be perfectly frank with ourselves, that second part definitely won’t happen, but at this stage of our pathetic and Loserville lives, we feel that it’s important for us to make some sort of effort. Who knows? Maybe one of the JM’s is newly divorced and both JM boys are out for some not-so-hot piece of New York a$$. And since he’s Baby Jesus, Joe Mauer is our Super Hero of the Week.

Baseball Notes: No. We’re not covering the Johan Santana situation, so if you’re looking for that kind of information, stop reading. You’ll not find it here. The Giants have announced that Mark DeRosa will have season-ending surgery on his left wrist. DeRosa has been out since May 9th due to an inflamed nerve in his wrist. The end.

Outfield summed up our judging process the best when they sang, “Bobby’s on a vacation far away. We hope he never comes back to manage. So many things that we wanted to say. You know we like our managers a little bit smarter. We don’t wanna use your management skills tonight. We just wanna lose your management skills tonight.”

Serena, Did a Leaf Just Fall into Your Cleavage?

Yes. A leaf did fall into Serena’s cleavage. Just one of many cons that come with mobile blogging.

Last week we asked if other teams should adopt the Dodgers’ policy of offering fans a hotline number for them to tattle on the a-hole fans sitting in their section. Of 5 votes, 3 of you actually felt that a-hole fans are just part of the charm of being at a sporting event. Charm? Really? You do realize that we were being sarcastic when we wrote that, don’t you? Apparently you like smelly people, unclassy individuals smacking Erin in the back of the head with a bag of water/soda bottles, and children running amuck or kicking you in the vag*na (granted, this happened at Sea World, not a Dodger Stadium, but we feel strongly that this “Report an A-hole” hotline policy should be implemented nationwide). A mere 2 souls agree with us that this genius plan of the Dodgers is flippin’ genius. We shall all join forces and report half the people in our sections. Together, we will unite under one banner and single-handedly wipe out the a-holes and vag*na kickers from the face of the planet.

Pardon this post of randomness. We just couldn’t help ourselves this week. We’re mentally fried. We know what you’re thinking right now: “Yeah, like you two are some sort of Albert Einstein’s or something.” Easy, tiger(s). We promise you that Fred K’s Cancer has eaten a ton of brain cells these past few days and that we’re going to strive to be “even better (like a professional)” after the event is over.

One of Lisa’s co-workers recently made a road trip to Baltimore and bought Lisa a midget version of The Bird. Lisa has grandiose ideas about replacing our current The Bird with this midget version for the rest of our stadium trips. Do you feel like this is being a traitor to our mascots? Be honest. We trust you…sometimes.

In his second MLB outing, Stephen Strasburg continued to shine, limited the Indians’ to just 2 hits, the first one being a leadoff home run to Travis Hafner (who apparently got a major piece of Strasburg’s 100 mph fast ball). He struck out 8 and walked 5 before exiting the game in the 6th. The Nationals won 9-4, ending the Indians’ 4-game winning streak.

Keeping with the tradition of pitching perfection this year, Ted Lily carried a no-hitter all the way into the 9th on Sunday night when PH Juan Pierre ruined it by leading off the inning with a single. The Cubs hung on regardless and defeated the White Sox 1-0. Prior to first pitch, the Chicago Blackhawks gathered on the mound, holding the Stanley Cup and were cheered by Cubs and White Sox fans alike. Yeah, well, we still say that “We’re All Islanders…”

During the Jays/Padres game on Monday night, play momentarily stopped in the 8th inning when Petco Park swayed during a 5.7 rated earthquake that was centered just outside Ocotillo in Imperial City, which is approximately 85 miles east of San Diego. The right field foul pole and TV’s in the press box swayed a bit and manager Cito Gaston said he felt the dugout move, but some players claim to have not felt anything! We’re pretty sure that if this happened while we were there, we would’ve fled the stadium screaming as if the Apocalypse just hit…of course, after taking proper photo documentation and video of the event so that we could upload it to the blog…and ransacking the BBQ stand for all of the pulled pork sandwiches (What? If it’s the end of the world as we know it, we’re going to need food in order to survive!).

Bobby Valentine confirmed on Monday’s “Michael Kay Show” that he’s met with the Orioles regarding the open manager position. We are terrified on behalf of the Baltimore community and Erin, but we’re super happy to have missed THAT radio show. Wow. Talk about getting two lame personalities together in the same room.

Speaking of the Orioles, Tim Lincecum struck out 10 O’s batters during Wednesday night’s game before taking a line drive hit by Miguel Tejada off of his right shoulder in the 6th. He was removed from the game, but manager Bruce Boaty assures us that, “Timmy is fine.”

At the ripe young age of 47, Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to beat the Yankees on Wednesday night. We suspect that he’s going to be breaking these kinds of records a lot over the remainder of his career.

Bud Selig announced that the All Star Game will be played at Kauffman Stadium (Royals’ home turf, for those of you who are not stadium connoisseurs like us) in 2012. Please do not misunderstand this next rant. We have nothing against the All Star Game being in Kansas City. Everyone should get an opportunity to host the All Star Game (with the exception of the Oakland Athletics because Dallas Braden doesn’t know how to play nice in the sandbox). However, what exactly are the criteria for determining who hosts the All Star Game? Before the 2009 season came to a close, Selig already announced that Citi Field would host the 2011 game. We haven’t even reached the 2010 break and he’s telling us that the 2012 game will be in Kansas City. Why is he jumping the gun like this? He’s a surprise ruiner! He doesn’t even allow us the chance to be excited about the upcoming All Star Game before announcing the locations for the rest of the decade’s games.

Finally, Sunday’s the big day…no, not the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium. We’ve got more important matters to take care of. The day we’ve been babbling about has finally arrived. FRED K’S CANCER! Hooray! At blogging time, we’ve raised $1,500! We’re only short of our fundraising goal by $500! Not bad, considering it’s our first event! For those of you who haven’t donated yet *coughahemcoughbrad-zieglercoughahemcough*, we’ll continue accepting donations until July 1st. Since she’s been over-the-top helpful regarding this event, we’re dubbing Vita Zorbo, owner of the West Hempstead Lady of America Fitness Center, TBB Super Hero of the Week!

Before signing off, we’d like to wish Papadukes and Papa L. a Happy Father’s Day!