Showing posts with label Justin Morneau. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Justin Morneau. Show all posts

Sunday, April 1, 2012

What’s Your Fantasy?

Last week, Team Transformers rocked the house at the Workout for St. Jude’s charity event. To celebrate our success, we asked you who your favorite Transformer was. Apparently no one who reads this blog watched or cared about the Transformers because only two people voted. 1 person voted for Bumblebee (who happens to be Serena’s favorite) and the other person voted for Sideswipe. No one voted for Optimus (which we find a little bizarre considering he’s the Autobots’ head honcho) or Gears.

As spring training comes to a close, the news becomes less exciting. It’s no longer about who the up and coming fresh faces are or which veterans are looking for one more (or two more) good season(s). It’s now about who will start the season on the DL, who Opening Day pitchers are (CC Sabathia, duh. Like we needed an entire spring training to figure that one out), what teams’ finalized lineups look like, and who you drafted for your fantasy baseball team. Which brings us to today’s nonsense. Yes, another blog post in which we discuss Tigers Love Pepper. You know you love it. The good news, folks, is that Lisa took a puff off the pipe too. She’s now a fantasy-addicted a-hole. Her team name is The Asstastic Bunch (Couple’s Retreat, anyone?). Even better is that in our league’s first round, Tigers Love Pepper (team image is Alan,Stu, and Phil standing in the elevator after waking up following a night ofdebauchery. Alan is carrying Carlos) is playing The Asstastic Bunch (no team image as of yet). So far, we’re still friends. Would you like to hear our lineups? And pitching rotations? You’re getting it whether you say yes or no, so you might as well mentally prepare yourself with “yes.” Keep in mind this was an auto-draft. Meaning that we went to sleep Monday night after inhaling wings and woke up with a populated lineup on Tuesday morning.

The Asstastic Bunch’s Lineup:
JP Arencibia
Miguel Cabrera
Michael Cuddyer
Evan Longoria
Erick Aybar
Jacoby Ellsbury
Giancarlo Stanton
Desmond Jennings
Brett Lawrie
Eric Hosmer
David Ortiz
Lucas Duda
Ian Desmond
Matt Joyce

Lisa is on the fence about David Ortiz. For starters, she (like everyone else in New York unless you’re a moron who doesn’t know anything about baseball) hates him. Second of all, how much playing time is he really going to get? Third of all, can he still hit? Fourth of all, he’s fat. Fifth of all, he bedazzles everything and it’s just really hard to respect a man who owns a Bedazzler.

Tigers Love Pepper’s Lineup:
Joe Mauer
Ike Davis
Dustin Ackley
Alex Rodriguez
Jimmy Rollins
Shane Victorino
Melky Cabrera
Austin Jackson
Justin Morneau
Brennan Boesch
Jemile Weeks
Logan Morrison
Yadier Molina
Edwin Encarnacion

Serena will admit that she did not auto-draft Justin Morneau. She initially had Carl Crawford. While she realizes that she’s taking a risk with Morneau because he’s coming off back and head injuries, he’s been swinging the bat well lately and Crawford’s starting the season on the DL. She’d rather have a player give her the chance to get numbers than have a player who can’t do anything for her. If Morneau does well, it’s a win. If he doesn’t, she’ll drop him for someone else. No big loss.

TAB Pitching:
Felix Hernandez
Ian Kennedy
JJ Putz
Chris Sale
Yu Darvish
Gio Gonzalez
Shaun Marcum
Anibal Sanchez
Clay Buchholz

TLP Pitching:
Justin Verlander
Brandon McCarthy
Andrew Bailey
Jason Motte
CC Sabathia
Madison Baumgarner
Chris Perez
James Shields
Matt Cain

Mamadukes’ friend, Roberta (owner of Riverdale Rebels…also no team image) managed to draft the entire New York State, including Billy Joel. Something’s up here. We think she bribed Serena’s cousin, Joel, the league commish. Mamdukes drafted Timmy, which is deeply and profoundly upsetting to us because he is an Honorary Traveling Baseball Babe. One of us should’ve gotten him. Mamadukes claims she wanted Verlander and that she’d give up Timmy for Verlander, but that’s just ridiculous. Silly, Mamadukes. Everyone knows that Serena and Verlander are Taco Bell soulmates. They’re MFEO (Made For Each Other).

For the next two weeks, instead of a joint blog, you’ll be getting solo posts. Next week, you’ll have the privilege of reading about Lisa’s Mets Opening Day experience and the following week, you’ll get Serena’s Yankees Opening Day experience. Hope you don’t miss our joint buffoonery too much.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?
Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.
Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  
Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???
Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.
Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season
Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.
CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.
Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.
Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.
Baseball notes:
According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Most Likely To Succeed

In light of the failed How I Met Your Mother poll, we asked this time around which show’s cast you would’ve preferred us to use as a comparison. We’ve ended up with a sea of 1’s. 1 person wants us to do Dexter, 1 wants Weeds, and 1 wants NCIS. 2 of you actually chose The Big Bang Theory. First of all, neither of us are smart enough to pass for scientists. Nerds, yes. Smart nerds? No.  Second of all, we’re not sure which one of us is most like Sheldon and which one of us is most like Leonard, but this process does beg us to ask the question: Why Dexter? Is one of us similar to a serial killer? Or are you more likely to compare us to Debra Morgan or Joey Quinn? No one chose The Office or That 70’s Show.

It’s that time of year again, folks. The time when the MLB announces its year-end awards…much like when you’re a senior in high school and you’re nominated for some stupid yearbook award like, “Best Eyes.” Okay…these awards are a little more meaningful than that, but you get the gist. Up first is the AL Cy Young Award, which unanimously went to the obvious candidate, Justin Verlander. Serena knows from personal experience how valuable Verlander is because thanks to him, Tigers Love Pepper was able to maintain pace in the strikeouts category with her cousin’s fantasy team who was lucky enough to have drafted Tim Lincecum. Every morning after checking the previous evening’s results, Serena pulled a Melissa Gorga and shouted, “Thank you, Jesus” for granting her Justin Verlander. The National League Cy Young Award went to the Dodgers’ Clayton Kershaw who was among the league’s leaders in opponents’ batting average, innings pitched, complete games, shutouts, and WHIP.

Tampa Bay’s Joe Maddon and Arizona’s Kirk Gibson earned Manager of the Year honors, both managers having successfully pulled playoff spots out of their asses this year. J

Atlanta Braves closer, Craig Kimbrel earned the NL Rookie of the Year Award in a unanimous vote and Tampa Bay pitcher, James Hellickson catapulted to the head of the class in the AL Rookie of the Year category. Kimbrel set a major league record for saves by a rookie with a total of 46. Hellickson went 13-10 this season with a 2.95 ERA and helped solidify the Rays’ Wild Card spot in the playoffs.

The Golden Glove, Silver Slugger, and MVP awards have yet to be issued.

The Marlins have reportedly offered super douche Jose Reyes a deal worth $90 million and 6-years. No word yet as to whether or not the short stop has chosen to accept the offer. Sources claim that the Mets are not down and out yet, provided they’re willing to offer Reyes at least 4-5 years and $20 million a season. If the Mets pay this jack-a-loon that kind of money, they’re a-holes and deserve every piece of bad karma they get. Lisa might actually go postal.

Speaking of the Mets, the Mets are apparently celebrating their 50th birthday with a commemorative logo and several promotional events during the upcoming season. Seriously? There are people who turn 50 each year and don’t even want to tell people that they’re reaching that milestone. Mamadukes disappeared to Greece for several weeks when she turned 50. The least the Mets could’ve done was wait til’ they turned 65 so that we could celebrate the fact that the team was now eligible for senior citizen discounts. They need the money.

Well…it’s official. The MLB is adding a second Wild Card to each league, a decision that could be implemented as soon as this upcoming season. Puke. Puke. Puke. We suppose this means that 80% of the AL East will be heading to the playoffs each year then, yes? While the format of this extra Wild Card round hasn’t yet been finalized, there are talks that the added round would include a one-game playoff to take place right before the Division Series and feature the “runner up” teams from each league…which means this one-game playoff is an interleague game. What the hell? This is stupid. The playoffs are about eliminating the best of each league before the leagues finally face off in the World Series. Who is the brainiac behind this asstastic idea?

The Houston Astros are going to be sold to a group headed by businessman Jim Crane for $610 million. The deal means that the Astros will be kissing the National League good-bye and heading over to the American League at the start of the 2013 season, giving each league 15 teams.

In terrible news, the Twins are currently examining their options at first base just in case Justin Morneau is not completely healthy at the start of the season. In addition to the incessant concussion symptoms that have been plaguing him these last few seasons, Morneau has undergone multiple surgeries related to injuries to his neck, left wrist, left knee, and right foot. He is a hot mess. Morneau’s ailments may be related to Puppy Cradle Death Syndrome…meaning that Serena’s appreciation of (we’re not going to lower ourselves to suggest that it’s an obsession because it’s clearly not) his combined defensive and offensive talent (which is so rare these days! So few men can do both well!) has caused Morneau to feel suffocated, which has naturally led to a deterioration of his physical and mental health.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I’m Gonna Be The Most Popular Girl

In an effort to make Troy Tulowitzki more masculine, we’ve decided to reach out to our meager following to find out what song Troy should come to the plate to in lieu of Justin Bieber. For some strange reason, only 3 people actually responded. We figured this would be a poll you’d enjoy. We’re confused. 2 of you voted for Black Sabbath’s Iron Man and 1 jack-a-loon legitimately voted for Britney Spears’ Slave for You. Makes us wonder if Troy actually found our blog and chose to vote for the song he wanted. No one voted for the other kick ass songs, I Wanna Rock (Twisted Sister), Back in Black (AC/DC), or Sad But True (Metallica). We gave you some amazing options and you failed to take advantage of the situation.

Now that we’re back in full swing with the baseball season, it’s time to discuss the mockery that has just passed. You guessed it. The All Star Game or as we like to call it, “MLB’s Most Popular Kids.” You might recall our blog title as being the chorus of a fantastic feature song from the classic 80’s film, “Teen Witch.” Can you possible guess as to where we’re taking this blog today?

Okay, we can get behind the Home Run Derby. It’s fun. Who doesn’t love watching home runs unless it’s the opposite team launching them off of your pitching staff? Plus, everyone participating has pretty much proven that they’re established home run hitters. Congrats, by the way, to Robinson Cano for his record-breaking victory over Adrian Gonzalez.

The All Star Game is like being in high school all over again. If you’re popular, you’re going to go far. Even if you’re the biggest a-hole in the world, you can still be voted in the yearbook as “Most Liked.” Even with Jorge Posada’s big ass ears and rodent-shaped nose, in his popular mojo-rising day, Jorge could’ve earned “Best Looking” honors even though he clearly didn’t deserve it. C’mon, Derek Jeter was on the DL and he’s not even having his greatest year and he was STILL voted to be the starting short stop. Are you people high??

Here’s another example of why popularity contests do not work: several years ago, David Ortiz was voted to be the starting first baseman (over Justin Morneau) for the American League. In the real world, people who can’t see their toes over their enormous bellies do not win NYC Marathons or anything physically challenging. Kay? And they certainly do not start as an infielder for their D-I college baseball team. Don’t get us wrong. These people might make excellent designated hitters (like Ortiz), but this is not the type of person who you expect to steal second or even make a diving play at first. However, the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees are the most “popular” and well-known American League kids. Therefore, Ortiz was voted as starting first baseman. Please keep in mind that the year before, the first baseman riding the bench had won a batting title AND a gold glove (something Ortiz probably hasn’t won since he was 12, skinny, and playing little league). PLUS, when was the last time anyone saw that man actually play first base?? He can’t bend over and pick up a ground ball for heaven’s sakes.

Granted, some of these popular players DO deserve their All Star votes for obvious reasons. They became popular because they’re some of the best in the game. However, just because you’re known as being the best doesn’t mean that you’re always going to have an “on” year or that someone isn’t currently out-performing you. The All Star rosters should be comprised of men who are All Stars RIGHT NOW, not career All Stars. IF they decided to create a game in which Legendary All Stars are to compete, then we can revise our assessment of this situation.

Please note that we’re not ridiculing the pitchers that have been selected to the All Star game. Management handles that and since we’re pretty sure that management wants to actually win, they put a lot of thought into the men they select to represent them on the mound. We’re specifically ridiculing the moron fans that pick up the All Star ballot and select all of the players listed from the New York Yankees. Even the ones on the DL or don’t play every day. Guess what, folks? Derek Jeter is NOT the best short stop in the game!!! He’s just the Prom King and the rest of the All Star guys are just his prom court!

The National League ended up defeating the American League 5-1, but let’s be serious. Justin Verlander was ineligible to pitch because he started on Sunday and it’s not an All Star party unless Justin’s in attendance.

Baseball notes:
Good news, Mets fans! On Tuesday night, KROD and cash (apparently the Mets had to PAY the Brewers to take him) was traded to the Brewers in exchange for two players called TBD! Farewell, KROD! Keep your anger management issues in control because if we find out that you’ve punched one of the sausages, we’re coming after you with a vengeance.

In keeping with the “ROD” topic, the other ROD recently had successful hip surgery. He’ll be out for about 4-6 weeks and in the meantime, Serena has picked up Chase Headley from San Diego to play third for her fantasy team, Tigers Love Pepper. Clearly, AROD has put a damper in things for Serena and she hates when that happens. GOD! You’re so selfish, AROD!!!

Today, Phil Hughes made his first start since April and he looked pretty good (if a little chubbier than we last saw him)! Hopefully, he continues on this positive path.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

DAMN! Serena’s Got a Small Foot

Hello, a-holes. You’ll be pleased to hear that 9 of 12 people voted that Serena should send that a-hole letter to Barry Zito about his moustache because “someone needs to tell him that porn-staches are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.” For some strange reason you people thought that SERENA should be that special someone. Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just MAYBE someone close to Barry Zito (like say, a friend, family member, lover?) should be the person to break this kind of news to him? “Hey, Barry, I love you, man so don’t take this the wrong way, but that moustache makes you look like an a-hole. A creepy level 5, even. Dude, from one bro to another. Shave that sh*t.” No. Instead some creepy jack-a-loon blogger had to be the one to send him a letter. Well…you got your goddamn wishes. Behold. Evidence of your stupid and personally damaging encouragement:

Only 3 individuals had any sort of sense and voted for, “No. Are you freakin’ kidding? It’s bad enough you post this crap to your blog.” We’re guessing that this was probably Mamadukes, Roberta (Fred K’s Cancer Secretary of State), and someone else who probably just hates us. Like Uncle Pat.

We should point out at this stage that Lisa arrived at Serena’s house to blog at 2:30 this afternoon. Did we blog? No. We watched Tron: Legacy instead. The movie was okay, but more importantly Garrett Hedlund is delicious. The only problem is the fact that Disney kept ruining every opportunity for us to view his delectable body by doing something like cover him up! What the hell? If you’re going to put a man that attractive in a glow in the dark leotard accenting his “assets,” then let us get a glimpse of him nakie! But, no. It would not be so. *Sigh* So we Googled and found this:
And that, folks, is what being a TBB Super Hero is all about. Discovering Garrett Hedlund prompted us to come up with yet another asinine contest...only this time it will be real. There will be an actual attainable prize. Your picture on our blog viewed by Serena’s entire family (because Lisa’s parents do not read the blog…they don’t know how to use their internet machine). Don’t scoff as if this is some bull sh*t prize. Serena’s clan is enormous. They won’t quit reproducing.

So, what’s the contest? Submit to us your photo along with a paragraph or so as to why to you should be TBB Super Hero of the Week. Best/most creative entry or best looking man will become TBB Super Hero of the Week. The deadline for submission will be Saturday, May 21st and the winner will be announced on Sunday, May 22nd before we take off for Minneapolis. The winner’s picture will remain posted from May 22nd until blogging time on May 29th.

In brief Fred K’s Cancer news, Brad Ziegler of the Oakland A’s donated his game-used cleats for us to raffle off. Since Serena has midget feet (literally, she does) and Ziegler is over six feet tall, Lisa just HAD to compare his feet to Serena’s. Lisa found the comparison so hilarious that she took a picture of it:
Brother went one step further and made this measurement:
Now that Brother has visited, we’ve gotten even further distracted by talking about the Indiana Jones saga and why Dipsy Doodles are not sold in bigger bags. It’s 6:53 pm.

This week’s baseball note:
Justin Morneau returned to the lineup against the Indians on Saturday after missing the previous 5 games with the flu. It seems that Twins’ clubhouse is quite sickly these days what with Joe Mauer also having some sort of viral infection that’s caused bilateral leg weakness.

Finally, we wish everyone a Happy Easter and Happy Passover…and Happy Greek Easter.

7:39 pm.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Serena is Epic. End of Story.

Last week, we were dying to know what you thought tigers dreamed of when they took a little tiger snooze. 4 of you believe that they dreamed of Halle Berry in a Catwoman suit while 2 of you thought they dreamed of mauling zebras. Right on.

So this weekend, the TBB Wolfpack will be joined by one (Jess) in a magnificent celebration of the birth of Fred K’s Cancer, Inc’s Presidente. For those who are ignorant, we are talking about Serena. We’ll be heading into the city tomorrow afternoon to check in at the famous Waldorf Astoria (where David Wright will not meet us yet again), partake in some delicious dessert at Serendipity 3 (where we once had a date with Alex Rodriguez…he might make an appearance for dinner), before eating dinner at Ninja NYC. After hours, however, is when the party starts. We will get sexified back at the hotel (which will require lots and lots of makeup and hair product and probably some squeezing and tucking) and head out to undisclosed locations to drink our faces off and dance our big booties off.

In a disturbing turn of events, no one has entered our contest to win going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. Do not fear, there is still time to enter as the deadline is April 1st. However, why hasn’t anyone entered yet? Is it Lisa or the fact that it’s METS Opening Day? For the sake of the children and Lisa’s self esteem, we’re going to assume that it’s the fact that it’s the Mets. Email to enter.

We teased with you with a secret last week and we’re now finally able to tell you what the actual secret is. Serena will be leaving our current employer for a job at Autism Speaks by the end of March. This means several things. 1. Lisa will now have to eat lunch by herself, 2. blogging will be relocating from Friday to Sunday starting in April, 3. Mobile blogging will cease to exist as we will now be blogging from Serena’s living room while eating chips and watching The Goonies (with an occasional excursion to Crumbs Bakery), and 4. Ben Affleck will no longer be a problem for us. Do not fret, TBB fans, change is good.

Now for the baseball notes:
Zack Greinke will begin the season on the 15-day DL with a hairline fracture…something he earned during a pick-up basketball game.

Justin Morneau was welcomed back to the field with open arms by his teammates and his fans while Serena welcomed him back to bed with other open limbs (this is coming 8 months after the concussion that ended his 2010 season). According to MLB.com, Morneau is quoted as saying he “had butterflies.” He’s looking forward to seeing Serena again in May, because “every time I lay my eyes on her, it’s like love at first sight.” Since he actually reported to work for the first time in 8 months (honestly, we don’t blame him since we never want to go to work), Serena’s future husband is our Super Hero of the Week.

Happy Early St. Patty’s Day…celebrate accordingly. It IS a religious holiday. Always designate a driver and wear green. Lisa accommodates these traditions and she isn’t even Irish. So do it. Boom. Encouragement.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Watching Paint Dry is More Entertaining

So…we had 1 vote this week. Nice job, guys. It’s not like we asked you to do long division. It was legitimately the easiest poll imaginable. All you had to do was pick which team you thought would win the All Star Game. That 1 vote went to the National League and we’re not even going to congratulate you for being right because we know you voted after the game was played. You freakin’ cheater.

Apparently the TBB know nothing about home run hitters because both of us were wrong. In fact, neither of our choices even advanced to the final round. Serena’s Holliday tanked in the first round and Lisa’s Cabrera sucked a fat one in the second. Fatty Ortiz beat out Hanley Ramirez (who thought HE’D make it to the final round? Don’t lie and say you did. You’re the one who probably voted for the National League after the game was over) with 11 home runs to Ramirez’s 5. We don’t know about you, but we thought this year’s Derby was a little dull in comparison to the last two. Oh, well. We suppose that they all can’t live up to Josh Hamilton’s stellar performance at Yankees Stadium 2 years ago.

As you’ve probably heard by now (unless you live in a bomb shelter underground), the Yankees suffered two major losses heading into the All Star Break, neither affecting their season win-loss record. Early on Sunday morning, the Yankees announced that long time PA announcer, Bob Sheppard died at the age 99. He was known around the league as the “Voice of God” and held his position at Yankees Stadium for nearly 5 decades.

Keeping with the apparent somber theme of this blog, on the morning before the All Star Game, Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner died at the age 80. According to reports, he had a heart attack and was taken to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida where he died at around 6:30 am. He’d owned the Yankees for 37 years. Under his reign, the team won 7 World Series championships, 11 AL pennants, and 16 AL East titles.

A video tribute to Steinbrenner was shown at the All Star Game and a moment of silence was shared prior to the National Anthem. The Yankees wore black armbands in memory of he and Sheppard and the US, Canadian, and California flags were lowered to half staff.

Now onto an extremely dull display of baseball. The National League won 3-1, the team’s first win since 1996. We think that might be a longer drought than the Islanders’ having won a playoff game and that’s saying a lot. The NL took the lead in the 7th when Brian McCann hit a bases clearing, 3-run double off of Matt Thornton. Let us repeat. Not a triple. A double. He’s literally the slowest man in professional sports. Serena could probably run faster than him and she considers a level “4” on the treadmill hardcore running. Lisa sprints at “5.5.” This hit earned him All Star MVP honors. Even better than that, it earned him an award that’s considered higher than Oscar or an ESPY. A Pulitzer or Nobel, you ask? No. Much more prestigious than that. He’s the TBB Super Hero of the Week. When we delivered the news, he cried, thanked God, and offered to take us to a celebratory dinner at Hooters with Frenchy Boy. McCann is a nice guy…unlike SOME baseball players we know that play third for the Mets. Not mentioning names.

Matt Capps (Nationals) got the win while Phil Hughes (Yankees) suffered the loss since the runners on base before McCann hit the double were his responsibility.

Baseball Notes:
The Yankees will wear patches on their uniforms in honor of Steinbrenner and Sheppard. The Steinbrenner patch will be worn over the interlocking NY on the home jerseys and over the York on the away jerseys.
The Sheppard patch will be worn on the left sleeve. Both are on the left side, near the heart.
Serena’s future husband has been placed on the 15-day DL due to a concussion that he received last week when someone from the Blue Jays (not mentioning any names, but it sounds like Mohn JcDonald) accidentally kneed him in the head. Serena’s been working diligently on getting Morneau back to form and ready for their honeymoon. We’re not going to address that vicious rumor that he impregnated his current wife. That’s really going to put a damper on his relationship with Serena. *sigh*

Carlos Beltran made his season debut last night against Tim Lincecum and the Giants, going 1-4 and was caught stealing and picking his nose in the dugout on several occasions. We’re glad to see that nothing’s changed.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, June 25, 2010

MLB Career Builder

Before we get down to discussing our newest role, let’s talk poll results. We asked you who you would’ve chosen as the new the Mets manager if you had to choose between Bobby Valentine and Jerry Manuel. All 4 of you (yes, 4) felt that if these were your only two choices, you were going to call it a day and the Mets would be dead to you. You’ll be switching your allegiance to the Pirates. Wow. You truly are as angry and bitter as we are. The other two options to vote for were “Jerry Manuel can hardly speak. Even though he’s a jerk, I’m going with Valentine simply because he has some concept of the English language” or “I’d rather have a manager that I can laugh at for his idiocy than a manager who’s a dull idiot. I choose Manuel.” We agree that there is no lesser of the two evils in this situation.

You may have noticed that lately, managers just can’t keep their jobs. Following the defeat of the Orioles earlier this week, the Marlins fired manager Fred Gonzalez, as well as their bench and hitting coaches, Carlos Tosca and Jim Preseley. Edwin Rodriguez, who has spent the past 1 ½ seasons managing Triple-A New Orleans, will take over as manager in the interim. Brandon Hyde and John Mallee will resume the role of bench and hitting coaches…also in the interim. This news doesn’t come too long after the Orioles’ firing of Dave Trembley.

Since teams are having such difficulty finding suitable managers to run their ships (for f’s sakes, everyone wants to interview that no talent a$$ clown, Bobby Valentine), we’ve decided to commission a panel of exceedingly qualified individuals to screen potential applicants for MLB management positions. You will see in this photograph that this panel of highly trained operatives consists of King Julien, Serena, Lisa, and a Mexican. Before you get all snippety, we assure you that he’s a very important Mexican. His government can hardly function when he’s absent.
After a long, arduous discussion that lasted many days, pizza pies, cases of beer, and several bottles of wine, we came up with a list of credentials that any individual interested in applying for a manager’s position should possess.

  1. Managers should not have a belly that hangs over their belt. It is vital for a manager to be able to survive the frequent trips from the dugout to the mound and an enormous belly is bound to send someone participating in that type of physical exertion into cardiac arrest. We just can’t have that. For the sake of the children.
  2. It is necessary for you to have had played baseball at some point in your life. T-ball is acceptable, but the collegiate level and/or higher is preferred. How do you expect to run a baseball team when you’ve never played the sport? We can’t have hypocrites running the league. For the sake of the children.
  3. We’d like you to have a college degree, but apparently that’s not a realistic request, therefore a high school diploma will have to do. And no. A GED does not count. Graduate on time like the rest of us did. For the sake of the children.
  4. You must be able to articulate complete sentences during press conferences. This means that anyone similar to Mumbles from Dick Tracy need not apply. For the sake of the children.
  5. Must be a competent strategist. If you enjoy leaving your pitcher out there for an inordinate length of time to be pummeled by the opposing team’s offense, then this job is clearly not for you. We are seeking people with strong leadership skills who can determine the appropriate time to call the damn bull pen! For the sake of the children.
  6. Capable of controlling unruly or lazy players. Not running out a ground ball should not be tolerated, nor should a hissy fit in the dugout be swept under the rug. We’re dealing with adults, not toddlers. When issuing punishment, if your player should attempt to retaliate, you should have the strength to knock that player on his a$$ without fearing any repercussions from upper management. We’re telling you that from here on out, the buck stops with you. It’s time you put those bratty weenies in their damn place. For the sake of the children.
  7. It highly recommended that you not make large bets against your own team. This should not require further explanation. For the sake of the children.
  8. Since the manager is at the forefront of every team, the individual in that role should appear presentable. Hopefully, this will set a good example and trickle down to the players, inspiring a few haircuts, a shower, a shave, and perhaps a clean uniform? For the sake of the children.
Anyone interested in applying for a management position should email their resume to the Traveling Baseball Babes. Thank you.

Some of you may actually care to know that the Fred K’s Cancer walk was a success! We raised $2,300 on the day and we managed to do it without any sort of large donation made by coughahembradzieglercoughahem. We’re still accepting donations until July 1st so if you’re interested, you can still support the Freds! If not, feel free to ignore this entire paragraph and proceed to the next one.

We’ll be at the Mets/Twins game on Sunday, scoring a free travel mug and hopefully a boyfriend with the initials JM. If we’re to be perfectly frank with ourselves, that second part definitely won’t happen, but at this stage of our pathetic and Loserville lives, we feel that it’s important for us to make some sort of effort. Who knows? Maybe one of the JM’s is newly divorced and both JM boys are out for some not-so-hot piece of New York a$$. And since he’s Baby Jesus, Joe Mauer is our Super Hero of the Week.

Baseball Notes: No. We’re not covering the Johan Santana situation, so if you’re looking for that kind of information, stop reading. You’ll not find it here. The Giants have announced that Mark DeRosa will have season-ending surgery on his left wrist. DeRosa has been out since May 9th due to an inflamed nerve in his wrist. The end.

Outfield summed up our judging process the best when they sang, “Bobby’s on a vacation far away. We hope he never comes back to manage. So many things that we wanted to say. You know we like our managers a little bit smarter. We don’t wanna use your management skills tonight. We just wanna lose your management skills tonight.”

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Stupid Wind of Change

Last week we discussed the AROD and Dallas Braden Battle for Pitchers’ Mound Control that took place during the Yankees’ series against Oakland. In keeping with the theme of Braden’s 5-year old little girl temper tantrum, our poll asked you whether or not Braden needed some serious anger management/an attitude adjustment. Out of 8 votes (which was probably a result of the wonderful Jane Heller advertising Fred K’s Cancer on her blog earlier this week), 6 of you felt that Braden definitely needed anger management because his display of nonsense was frightening. 2 of you were a little more optimistic and thought that the boy just needed to get laid.

As previously mentioned, Jane Heller, writer of the blog, Confessions of a She-Fan, and author of 13 books, was nice enough to write a little blurb about our Fred K’s Cancer event in one of her postings following the Yankees’ defeat at the hands of the Orioles earlier this week. This is what she had to say:

"Before I sign off, I'd like to give a shout out to she-fans extraordinaire and friends of this blog, Serena and Lisa, whose own Traveling Baseball Babes is one of my favorite blogs. They're organizing a terrific fundraising event in Hicksville, LI in June called "Fred K's Cancer." Both of their fathers are named Fred and both men are cancer survivors (and big baseball fans), so Serena and Lisa decided to educate people about their diseases in a very special way. They created a Fred K's Cancer blog, so please check it out and read about their fab event!"

Because of her good deed, we’ve decided to name her the TBB Super Hero of the Week. We wish that we had a trophy made of chocolate to give her, but we don’t. We could send her one of the really sexy beaded bracelets that we’ve made in order to support Fred K’s Cancer. If anyone is interested in purchasing these lovely accessories, we’re selling them for $4. Please contact us at travelingbaseballbabes@gmail.com for more information.
Many of you have probably heard the news by now that the MLB has decided to make a few changes to the All Star Game rules. For starters, the rosters have been expanded. Each team will now bring 34 players, with 13 pitchers. We suppose that this makes sense, especially following the marathon game in 2008 at the old Yankees Stadium. We’re pretty sure that if the National League got desperate enough, they were going to call Lisa in to pitch, which is the moment she’s been waiting for her entire life. The second change is that a pitcher who starts on the final Sunday prior to the All Star Break will no longer be eligible to pitch in the All Star Game and will be replaced on the roster.

Finally, a DH will now be used in the All Star Game, regardless of which league the stadium belongs to. Fans will continue to vote for the American League DH, while the National League DH will be chosen by the National League team’s manager. Here’s where the rules get a little shady for us. We’re not even going to touch the fact that we don’t think that fans should be allowed to vote at all because this is simply not the forum. We may, however, discuss that as we get closer to the All Star Break. If during interleague play, the game adopts the rules of the home team, the All Star Game should adhere to the same policy. When the Mets play at Yankees Stadium, the Mets utilize a DH. When the Yankees play at Citi Field, their pitcher is in the lineup. Them’s the rules. The powers to be claim that this will make the game more competitive, but we think that statement is pretty ludicrous. If there’s no DH, the National League has an advantage because their pitchers are already used to having to hit whereas the American League pitchers are not. If there is a DH, the National League team can now substitute their weakest hitter for a player with better offensive numbers. Having broken that down, please explain how this makes the game more competitive? As far as we can tell, in either situation the National League “technically” has the advantage. Obviously this entire argument has no bearing for this year since the game will take place at Angels Stadium, an American League location.

Furthermore, why do the fans get to vote for one team’s DH and not the other? If you’re going to allow stupid fans to vote for the lineup, they should be permitted to make poor choices for the entire lineup, not just part of it. What is the rationale behind not allowing fans to pick the National League’s DH? Fans should either be allowed to vote or not. No halfsies.

Onto this week’s baseball notes: On Tuesday, Serena’s imaginary lover, Justin Morneau left the game with a little stiffness in his upper back during the Twins’ 2-0 victory over Justin Verlander and the Tigers. Twins’ manager, Ron Gardenhire, assures us that it’s nothing serious. However, Morneau was not in the lineup on Wednesday evening. Serena knows this because she watched the game anxiously for signs of his scruffy face. If he’d only he’d give her a call, she would be able to use her magic ways to heal him. She’s sure of it. Cliff Lee will finally make his Mariners’ regular season debut tonight at Safeco Field against the Rangers. In Yankees and Mets-related news, the White Sox (Lisa’s other favorite American League team. She does have a poncho after all) visit the Bronx this weekend to take on the Yanks while the Mets travel to the City of Brotherly Hate to face the Phillies. Super Jinx Laurie took the day to drive down with her son to witness this rivalry in all its glory for herself. Lisa warned her that someone will probably pee on her car (read our Citizen’s Bank Park post for more information), but she wouldn’t listen. Do you know what this means? The Mets are going to lose because we have proof that she is the Mets’ broken mirror.

We sign off by singing David Bowie’s, “ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, don’t tell us that we can’t vote for the NL DH. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, where’s your shame, MLB. You left us up to our necks in your stupid voting process. Time may change your rules, but you can’t change all the stupid All Star Games of the past.”

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, February 5, 2010

These Are a Few of Our Favorite Things

We shed some light on our spring training regime last week and asked you which training activity you thought sounded like the most fun. Of 6 votes, the majority of you voted for planning the Jeter wedding. We figured this would be the winner, but what surprised us is that the “majority” only equaled to 2 votes. We really thought that the Jeter wedding would win unanimously. The rest of the votes were scattered among the other choices. 1 for “gazing longingly at our suitcases,” 1 for “fundraising,” 1 for “letter writing…totally can’t wait for the home run apple letter to be posted,” and 1 for “recycling for change.” Apparently no one found “pumping it up at the gym, Guido style,” “craft time,” “crunching to trashy television and Mortal Kombat,” or “watching football and drinking from yard sticks” very entertaining. Weird. We thought the whole Mortal Kombat thing was a nice touch. Oh well.

By now you may have noticed that we favor certain players, regardless of what team they play for. The list is admittedly pretty long, but when push comes to shove there are the select few that rise to the top of the pile. We have our common ground Favorites, which are players whom we share an equal amount of affection for and then there are our personal Favorites. Just because a player falls under the category of “Personal Favorite,” does not mean that he is disliked by the other member of the TBB. He’s simply not high ranking in her world of favorite professional baseball players. What makes a player become a Favorite? Several factors. It could be his charitable contributions, statistics, personality, or even something as simple as his looks. It could even be all or some of those reasons combined. The favoritism might even be based on a personal encounter with said athlete that left a lasting impression. Below, we will discuss our top Favorites and why we favor them. Then we will break down our Personal Favorites. We have only one rule for picking Favorites: the Favorite must be an active player (or else this list will get out of hand). Retired Favorites may have to be an entirely different post.

The Traveling Baseball Babes’ Favorites:
Mike Jacobs
Let us begin by stating the obvious: Mike Jacobs is HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Billy Madison said it best when he sang, “want to touch the hiney!”

Like Adam LaRoche, who you will read about next, Jacobs’ placement amongst our Favorites has less to do with his playing abilities and more to do with our personal encounter with the man. Jacobs was the first. The first what, you ask? Our first photo. When the strapping lad played firstbase for the Mets, we met him near the right field foul pole at Shea Stadium. He was sweating, but still smelled like hot, musky man. He didn’t run from us in fear like other players who we will not list here because it’s not the right venue. He stood erect like a true man, a soldier if you will, allowed Lisa to grab his face, and smiled as Serena snapped the photo. He even signed Lisa’s jersey, which her dog, Rexysula, then peed on.

Adam LaRoche
This might sound like a strange choice as LaRoche’s abilities rest mostly on his strong defensive skills and he’s never played for either New York team. However, there is a real reason for our affection toward good ole’ LaRoche. LaRoche is the man who threw Serena’s first ball at our first baseball game together…ever. Where the Traveling Baseball Babes began you might say. You may not think this is impressive because players throw balls into the stands all the time, but this wasn’t just like all the other times. On this occasion, LaRoche actually faced us (and we know it was us because no one was standing near us) and flipped Serena the ball specifically. Granted, he had been egged on by the drunk older man standing in our section demanding that LaRoche throw a ball to the “hot ladies over here” (which was a strange description considering we were sweating through our tank tops at the time), however the point remains that he singled us out and tossed us a ball. For that, Mr. LaRoche will forever remain a Favorite.

Plus, Keith Hernandez inappropriately announced on national television that LaRoche has ADHD and we commend him for overcoming his obstacles.

Tim Lincecum
C’mon, people. We have an entire Appreciation Day dedicated to the boy. We’ve retired his number for pete’s sake. His number is the only number retired in TBB history. Must we explain further?

Johan Santana
Johan Santana’s pitching resume probably does not to be described here as it is already well-known, but we’re going to do it anyway. The 2 time AL Cy Young Award winner (2004 & 2006) and 4 time All Star boasts a career win-loss record of 122-60, an ERA of 3.12, and 1,733 strikeouts. He was named AL Pitcher of the Month in August 2002, which was also his first full month as a big-league starter. Quite the first impression. In 2004, his first Cy Young Award winning year, he became the first pitcher in more than 40 years to go 10 starts without giving up more than 4 hits or 4 runs. He also decided to sell his SUV on eBay, kindly throwing in a signed jersey for the buyer. The man’s got personality! In 2006, In addition to his second Cy Young Award, he won the Triple Crown for pitching, leading the league in wins (19), strikeouts (245), and ERA (2.77). He earned his first Gold Glove in 2007, proving that he is more than just a pitcher- he’s an athlete.

While Santana is technically attractive, it is not just his physical attributes that make him adorable. His team spirit, drive, athletic prowess, competitive fire, and all around “good guy” aura contributes to his adorableness. Not to mention, when other teammates “give up,” Santana continues to strive for excellence. Even if the team is out of playoff contention, he still shows up and endeavors to pitch a well executed game.

Furthermore, he shares a birthday with Serena. Serena officially now has an awesome birthday. Perhaps he will come to her “Go Irish” themed birthday party. Erin go bragh!

Huston Street
In 2005, Huston Street earned AL Rookie of the Year honors by posting 72 strikeouts in 78 1/3 innings pitched, opposing hitters only batting .194 against him. The only AL reliever to better Street’s ERA was Yankees’ Mariano Rivera’s 1.34. Not too shabby. Street’s fastball typically hovers in the 90-93 mph range, topping out at around 95. He also owns a sharp slider around 84-86 mph that he uses against righties and a changeup at around 81-83 that he typically throws against lefties.

As if these impressive stats weren’t sexy enough, we’ve had the privilege of seeing that man warm up in the bull pen. Needless to say, he’s very bendy. We were unaware that the male form could actually do the things that Street’s body did. Plus, Huston Street is definitely a porn star name and that just gives him extra sex appeal if that’s even possible. Yum.

Honorable Mentions: Eric Brynes, Melky Cabrera, Mariano Rivera, Bryan Roberts, Chase Utley, and Ryan Zimmerman

Lisa’s Favorites:
Daniel Murphy
You might be wondering why I picked Daniel Murphy. He hasn’t been on the team long enough to become a dynasty player. His playing in the outfield is less than desirable and he’s not exactly the best first baseman, but he’s doable for right now. In his defense, he was the team leader in home runs last season with a whopping 12. Impressive.

However, I like Murphy’s swagger. He’s a team player. When the going gets tough and after dropping many balls, he still trots out onto the field and gives his all. It might not be anyone’s best, but he certainly gives it. He also looks like a really nice guy. I also like his last name. It’s fun to shout at Citi Field and I assume, in bed. I am just throwing it out there. Only time will tell if Murphy’s going to become an MVP or an All Star, but for now his award is being my Favorite.

I really hope Murphy can make it to Serena's birthday bash which is Irish themed. What kind of Irish themed party would it be without a Murphy !!!! Serena and I have selected him to be the party's mascot, which is another reason he is my personal Favorite.

David Wright
When I first saw David Wright, I was at a game with Papa L. We were sitting up in the stands. David was fairly new to the team and of course, we were in a rain delay. So it doesn’t just haunt the TBB, it haunts me too. David went outside in the rain, holding his own umbrella and signed autographs. I thought to myself (little did I know), “What a nice a guy. Here he is in the rain signing autographs.” That moment, I thought, David had great character and I like character in a ball player. David, like Murphy, shows team spirit. Unlike Murphy, David has much better stats and is an all around good player. For the most part, with the exception of last year, he comes through in a clutch. David has been a All star selection 4x 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009. David has 2 golden gloves under his belt and is a 2x silver slugger award winner .This is probably why he is such a fan favorite . I hate to admit that he is my Favorite for fear of being one of those girls, but clearly you can see from my story above that I had grown a liking to him when he was a peon in the Mets Organization. I mean when do you see him now signing autographs at Citi Field let alone in the rain? My other reason for David being my Favorite is he is highly charitable, just not to the TBB. The David Wright Foundation provides aid and assistance toward the health, emotional development and education for children in need. David I think is a great role model for kids. I would love for him to father my children but I am aware that is NEVER going to happen and I am ok with that.

Serena’s Favorites:
Ken Griffey Jr.
When I recall sitting at my grandmother’s dining table in Williston Park eating a bowl of Cornflakes, there is only one thing I can remember about the back of that cereal box: the frozen image of Griffey’s finished swing. His smile was (and still is) infectious. Despite being raised in the household of Super Yankees Fan Mamadukes, I could not help but become infatuated with the center fielder that Griffey was (could we perhaps trace my affection for Bernie Williams back to the Mariners’ center fielder?). Even the “Jr.” at the end of his name sought a special place in my heart. Griffey is my first non-Yankees love.

Lets face it. Griffey is a well adored player spanning many generations (his major league debut coming in 1989) and deservedly so. He’s been selected to the All Star game a whopping 13 times and in 1999, earned a position on the Major League Baseball All-Century Team! A 10 time Golden Glove Award winner, 7 time Silver Slugger Award winner, and a 3 time Home Run Derby winner (1994, 1998, and 1999), Griffey is more than just a meathead who can hit home runs. Before being plagued by injuries, Griffey was a premier center fielder. An all around fantastic athlete. Rare in an age where offense alone puts fans in the stands. On August 22, 2007, Griffey was selected as an all-time Gold Glove winner, a list of nine players considered to be the greatest defensive players in the last fifty years (including Johnny Bench, Willie Mays, Roberto Clemente, and Greg Maddux). It was Griffey, not McGwire or Sosa, that I wanted to break Roger Maris’ record in 1998. I am sure that I wasn’t the only one.

Justin Morneau
You’ve probably heard me refer to Morneau as my “beloved” several times by now and I am sure you’ve thought the reference a strange one, if not mildly psychotic. Or incredibly psychotic…whichever. What drew me to the Twins’ first baseman? Well, what draws me to most players? Outstanding defense. Yes, the 2006 AL MVP and 3 time All Star is a highly recognized offensive player, being a 2 time Silver Slugger Award winner and 2008 Home Run Derby champ, squeaking past Josh Hamilton in the final round and effectively proving that slow and steady sometimes really does win the race (not to mention, becoming the first Canadian ever to win the Home Run Derby). And yes. One of the sexiest things about him is how his batting stance fills the box perfectly and how his swing is textbook, art in motion. Look at the picture I chose to include of him. Look at his follow through. If I took that picture to my old high school hitting coach, he’d tell me to emulate that swing. It’s beautiful. It can make a girl weak in the knees, I tell you. But what I love best about Morneau is his abilities at first. It truly disgusted me that a defenseman of his caliber played alternate to David Ortiz, above all people, in 2008. Really, people???

Besides, one of his favorite baseball players is Ken Griffey Jr. Clearly, great minds think alike. Now if only he wasn’t married… ; )

Barry Zito
By now, I think I’ve made it perfectly clear over the course of my blogging with Lisa that I would love to get my hands on this man. You may watch him pitch now and assume that my favoritism for Zito stemmed strictly from his looks. You’d be partly right. The first thing I noticed about him was his face…and what a deliciously scruffy face it was that first time I saw him pitch in the ALDS against the Red Sox in 2003. However, after the initial “oh, who is that yummy man” awe wore off, my fascination switched from his face to his incredible curve ball. To quote the overused cliché, the pitch just “rolled off the table,” stupefying seasoned hitters like Manny Ramirez and the previously mentioned, Ortiz. It was smitten at first sight. As many of you may have noticed, there is a distinction between Oakland Zito (whom became the initial object of my affection) and San Francisco Zito. In 2002, Oakland Zito posted a 23-5 record and earned AL Cy Young honors, narrowly defeating the illustrious Pedro Martinez. He had never missed a scheduled start and led the American League in starts on four occasions. He threw 200 or more innings in each of his 6 full seasons with the A’s, giving him work horse status. He also had a streak of 14 consecutive starts (and 20 out of 21) in which he gave up fewer hits than innings pitched! I’d say he earned his contract, no? Then in 2006, Oakland Zito replaced his agent Arn Tellem with the Devil himself: Scott Boras.

Boras negotiated a 7-year deal for the now San Francisco Zito worth $126 million, plus $18 million option for 2014 with a $7 million buyout. At that time, San Francisco Zito’s contract became the highest for any pitcher in Major League history. This is where things begin to get a bit cringe worthy. In 2008, Zito ended his streak of having never missed a scheduled start! What’s worse is that the drop in velocity of his fastball (which was never very high to begin with) and loss of command in his curve ball became extremely problematic and even prompted management to temporarily move Zito to the bull pen at the end of April. He finally collected his first win of the season at the end of May. Good grief. Fortunately, in 2009 San Francisco Zito showed signs of Oakland Zito. He did begin the season with an ERA of 10 (yikes!), but managed to work it back to down to an acceptable 4.03. He only posted a 10-13 record, but he was the victim of poor run support, touting the second lowest in the majors. We can attribute the rebound in his pitching performance to an increased velocity on his fast ball and finally regaining control on that gorgeous curve ball of his. We can only hope that this carries over to the 2010 season. Come home, Zito. Come home. We miss your former self.

Lastly, despite the his issues these last few years with the Giants, there is one piece of Zito’s life that will by far endear him to me the most and that is his charity, Strikeout for Troops, which provides money to hospitals for soldiers wounded in military operations.

We don’t have much to write about this week in terms of baseball happenings, but nevertheless, we now faithfully bring you to our baseball notes: Serena’s favorite first baseman, Justin Morneau will be one of several Canadians receiving the honor of carrying the Olympic Torch leading up to the Vancouver games. This just adds to Morneau’s hotness level. Other honorees include Sidney Crosby, Steve Nash, and Shania Twain.

On Thursday, Justin Verlander and the Detroit Tigers finalized a deal that avoided an awkward salary arbitration heading. Verlander, who would’ve eligible for free agency following the 2011 World Series, tied the majors for most wins last season with 19 and led the league with 269 strikeouts, 240 logged innings, and 35 starts. The 2006 AL Rookie of the Year also posted a career best 3.45 ERA. The $80 million/5 year contract includes a $500,000 signing bonus, $6.75 million this season, $12.7 million next year, and $20 million in each of the following years of the contract.

Finally, in case you haven’t noticed, the TBB has been blogging openly for exactly 1 year tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to us!
Sarah McLachlan encompassed our feelings for our lovely Favorites when she wrote, “Your baseball qualities are better than ice cream, they’re better than anything else that we’ve tried…even sausage sandwiches.”


BallHype: hype it up!