Serena, Did a Leaf Just Fall into Your Cleavage?

Yes. A leaf did fall into Serena’s cleavage. Just one of many cons that come with mobile blogging.

Last week we asked if other teams should adopt the Dodgers’ policy of offering fans a hotline number for them to tattle on the a-hole fans sitting in their section. Of 5 votes, 3 of you actually felt that a-hole fans are just part of the charm of being at a sporting event. Charm? Really? You do realize that we were being sarcastic when we wrote that, don’t you? Apparently you like smelly people, unclassy individuals smacking Erin in the back of the head with a bag of water/soda bottles, and children running amuck or kicking you in the vag*na (granted, this happened at Sea World, not a Dodger Stadium, but we feel strongly that this “Report an A-hole” hotline policy should be implemented nationwide). A mere 2 souls agree with us that this genius plan of the Dodgers is flippin’ genius. We shall all join forces and report half the people in our sections. Together, we will unite under one banner and single-handedly wipe out the a-holes and vag*na kickers from the face of the planet.

Pardon this post of randomness. We just couldn’t help ourselves this week. We’re mentally fried. We know what you’re thinking right now: “Yeah, like you two are some sort of Albert Einstein’s or something.” Easy, tiger(s). We promise you that Fred K’s Cancer has eaten a ton of brain cells these past few days and that we’re going to strive to be “even better (like a professional)” after the event is over.

One of Lisa’s co-workers recently made a road trip to Baltimore and bought Lisa a midget version of The Bird. Lisa has grandiose ideas about replacing our current The Bird with this midget version for the rest of our stadium trips. Do you feel like this is being a traitor to our mascots? Be honest. We trust you…sometimes.

In his second MLB outing, Stephen Strasburg continued to shine, limited the Indians’ to just 2 hits, the first one being a leadoff home run to Travis Hafner (who apparently got a major piece of Strasburg’s 100 mph fast ball). He struck out 8 and walked 5 before exiting the game in the 6th. The Nationals won 9-4, ending the Indians’ 4-game winning streak.

Keeping with the tradition of pitching perfection this year, Ted Lily carried a no-hitter all the way into the 9th on Sunday night when PH Juan Pierre ruined it by leading off the inning with a single. The Cubs hung on regardless and defeated the White Sox 1-0. Prior to first pitch, the Chicago Blackhawks gathered on the mound, holding the Stanley Cup and were cheered by Cubs and White Sox fans alike. Yeah, well, we still say that “We’re All Islanders…”

During the Jays/Padres game on Monday night, play momentarily stopped in the 8th inning when Petco Park swayed during a 5.7 rated earthquake that was centered just outside Ocotillo in Imperial City, which is approximately 85 miles east of San Diego. The right field foul pole and TV’s in the press box swayed a bit and manager Cito Gaston said he felt the dugout move, but some players claim to have not felt anything! We’re pretty sure that if this happened while we were there, we would’ve fled the stadium screaming as if the Apocalypse just hit…of course, after taking proper photo documentation and video of the event so that we could upload it to the blog…and ransacking the BBQ stand for all of the pulled pork sandwiches (What? If it’s the end of the world as we know it, we’re going to need food in order to survive!).

Bobby Valentine confirmed on Monday’s “Michael Kay Show” that he’s met with the Orioles regarding the open manager position. We are terrified on behalf of the Baltimore community and Erin, but we’re super happy to have missed THAT radio show. Wow. Talk about getting two lame personalities together in the same room.

Speaking of the Orioles, Tim Lincecum struck out 10 O’s batters during Wednesday night’s game before taking a line drive hit by Miguel Tejada off of his right shoulder in the 6th. He was removed from the game, but manager Bruce Boaty assures us that, “Timmy is fine.”

At the ripe young age of 47, Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to beat the Yankees on Wednesday night. We suspect that he’s going to be breaking these kinds of records a lot over the remainder of his career.

Bud Selig announced that the All Star Game will be played at Kauffman Stadium (Royals’ home turf, for those of you who are not stadium connoisseurs like us) in 2012. Please do not misunderstand this next rant. We have nothing against the All Star Game being in Kansas City. Everyone should get an opportunity to host the All Star Game (with the exception of the Oakland Athletics because Dallas Braden doesn’t know how to play nice in the sandbox). However, what exactly are the criteria for determining who hosts the All Star Game? Before the 2009 season came to a close, Selig already announced that Citi Field would host the 2011 game. We haven’t even reached the 2010 break and he’s telling us that the 2012 game will be in Kansas City. Why is he jumping the gun like this? He’s a surprise ruiner! He doesn’t even allow us the chance to be excited about the upcoming All Star Game before announcing the locations for the rest of the decade’s games.

Finally, Sunday’s the big day…no, not the Subway Series at Yankees Stadium. We’ve got more important matters to take care of. The day we’ve been babbling about has finally arrived. FRED K’S CANCER! Hooray! At blogging time, we’ve raised $1,500! We’re only short of our fundraising goal by $500! Not bad, considering it’s our first event! For those of you who haven’t donated yet *coughahemcoughbrad-zieglercoughahemcough*, we’ll continue accepting donations until July 1st. Since she’s been over-the-top helpful regarding this event, we’re dubbing Vita Zorbo, owner of the West Hempstead Lady of America Fitness Center, TBB Super Hero of the Week!

Before signing off, we’d like to wish Papadukes and Papa L. a Happy Father’s Day!

¡Hasta Luego, Neuva York!

This time tomorrow, we’ll be with Erin and The Favorite in sunny (hopefully) Los Angeles and hitting up our first road trip stadium of the year! Before we talk about how little we’ve done to prepare for this trip and our itinerary, let’s talk about last’s week extremely hurtful poll results.

Since our posting focused on injuries around the league, we asked if there were any players that you wished would just stay on the DL. Only 4 people actually voted, which isn’t even the hurtful part of the situation. 2 people agree with us that there are some folks that should live out their careers on the DL i.e. Milton Bradley or in our case, Carlos Beltran. 1 really optimistic soul preferred to have all men on deck. Good for you, pal. You stay gold, Pony bboy. Lastly, someone decided to tear millions of incisions into our hearts by voting for the option, “we wish YOU would stay on the DL. Stop Blogging! You’re a-holes.” Actually, sir (or ma’am), we’re pretty sure that YOU’RE an a-hole.

As previously mentioned, we’ve done nothing so far to get us into bikini shape. In fact, between the two of us, we’ve gone to the gym 3 times in a week and half and we’ve probably eaten more food than the US Army has in a month. So we regret to inform The Favorite that when he babysits us at the pool while Erin goes to work, he may want to bring a barf bag. The good news is that if he gets tired of us and wants us to shut up, all he has to do is throw food into our pie holes. In a more disturbing note, Erin will have to keep a close eye on us at Sea World because someone may try to throw us back into the tank and Lisa can’t swim.

The good news is that we actually went to TD Bank yesterday on our lunch break to deposit our change into the Penny Arcade:
We patiently waited for the total…
$226 in spare change PLUS $60 in cash from recycling! All those trips to the dirty depot wearing rubber gloves clearly have paid off.
Additionally, Serena has successfully stolen Mr. Met from MJ again. As in…she stole him from MJ’s office an hour ago while he was on his lunch break. He thought he was so clever with his hiding place this time. Foolish man! Mr. Met is now safe and sound in Lisa’s car, waiting to be packed into her carry on bag. Tomorrow, we’ll be hitting up Angels Stadium with Erin and The Favorite to see the Angels perform a smack down on the Athletics after landing at LAX. Tuesday night, after a leisurely drive down to San Diego with Erin, The Favorite, and Keith and a peaceful time at the beach, we’ll be watching the Giants take on the Padres. Hopefully, Serena will actually get Barry Zito’s number this time; however she’ll settle for speaking a complete sentence in proper English to him. Before heading back to Los Angeles, the ladies will enjoy a Sea World adventure while the boys hit up the beach again. Our last stadium of the trip will be Thursday night at Dodger Stadium when the Padres come to town. We’ll have to exchange our navy blue for royal blue for that game. Finally, on Friday, The Favorite will be stuck taking us to Disneyland. At this point in the vacation, if The Favorite doesn’t want to either kill himself and/or us, then he is the most patient man on the planet and should be granted sainthood. Who wouldn’t want to go to the annual Saint Favorite Festival to eat zeppolis?

In Fred K’s Cancer news, we’ve recently received two awesome donations. One came from Serena’s co-worker and the creator of Lisa’s favorite brownies and the other was given by Brother of The Favorite. Thanks to their generous support and the charity of others, we are almost halfway to our fundraising goal. For their kindness, we’ve dubbed them Super Hero of the Next Two Weeks (as we will not be blogging from the Dumbo ride next week, much to the happiness of one a-hole reader who thinks we should stay on the DL and quit blogging altogether. Furthermore, since you have two weeks, we expect a high response on our poll). We’ve also collected quite a few awesome items to raffle off. We’ll be selling these raffles, our awareness pins, kick ass bracelets, and giving away Avon samples at the Bellmore Spring Festival on May 29th. If you happen to be in that area, please feel free to stop by…and maybe make a donation?

On to this week’s baseball notes: That retard Dallas Braden contributed something to baseball other than trash talk this week. In Sunday’s Athletics’ 4-0 victory over the Rays, Braden threw the 19th perfect game in history. The last perfect game was thrown last July by White Sox pitcher, Mark Buehrle…also against the Rays. Ouch. Maybe now Braden will be happy and keep his fat pie hole shut. Joe Mauer returned to the lineup on Sunday in the DH role against the Orioles. He went 1 for 3 with one walk. On Tuesday, he finally returned to his position behind the plate and went 3 for 4 with a homer and a double. On Tuesday night, the Padres handed Zito his first loss on the season. Sadness. We hope that making him the TBB Super Hero of the Week didn’t jinx him because that would be depressing. He lasted 5 innings and allowed 6 hits, 3 runs, and a season high 7 walks. It is his shortest outing of the year so far.

Carol King calls to us with, "So won't you carry me back to California. I've been on the road too long. Take me to the West Coast."

Babies, Freds, Rookies & Temper Tantrums

Before we report to you the pathetic results of last week’s poll, we happily inform you that Sister had a charming baby girl. 8 lbs. 11 oz. in all her glory. Sister’s ability to pop something that size from her being entitles her to TBB Super Hero of the Week privileges…not that that actually gets her anything. Like a cool parking space or a snazzy keychain, but at least she will feel appreciated. Since Sister was in labor last week, we were a bit hurried and our poll was a little short on options. This apparently hurt our turnout because only 4 people chose to vote. We asked what song you would come out to the plate to if you were a big league hitter like Lisa and the winner with a rousing 2 votes was Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” While that song is amazing, can you people get anymore unoriginal? 1 person voted for one of the best stripper songs in history, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” and 1 other person voted for Outfield’s “Your Love,” which Lisa thought was called, “Josie” (as in “Josie’s on a vacation far away. Come around and talk it over. So many things that I want to say. You know I like my girls a little bit older. I just wanna use your love tonight”). Sadly, no one thought Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” would be their anthem. Really? That song playing on the radio is what prompted this poll question. In fact, we’re probably going to force the two Freds to come out to that song at the Fred K’s Cancer event because we’re the best daughters ever.

In outstanding Mets news, the boys from Flushing finally won a series! Cue the ticker tape parade, ladies and gentlemen. This is a momentous occasion that needs celebrating. We’ll bathe in it like bubble bath. Also, our favorite amigo, Johan Santana, has started wearing rosary beads as an accessory. Why, Johan? Say it ain’t so. Don’t leave us this way. We can’t survive without your sweet facial hair.

Francisco Rodriguez recorded his first save last night.

Ike Davis, Hottie Jacobs’ replacement, made his major league debut this week against the Cubs. Other than his sideburns, he’s become a fan favorite for being able to actually make contact with the ball unlike a few other players on the team. He assisted in the Mets 6-1 victory on Monday, going 2 for 4 with an RBI.

The Yankees have started their west coast trip with shocking success, taking two of three from the Oakland Athletics. Phil Hughes nearly no-hit the A’s on Wednesday night, pitching into the 8th. Eric Chavez’s lead off line drive ricocheted off of Hughes’ left arm (or glove. It was hard to see from the angle shown on the TV) and the ball rolled in front of him, where he lost track of it until that Brazilian Landing Strip Chin made it to first with an infield single. Hughes struck out a career high 10 batters in the Yankees 3-1 victory. He is now 2-0.

Brazilian Landing Strip Chin’s retirement into the DH role has been somewhat depressing, considering his former prowess at the hot corner and while we can sympathize with him, it does not excuse that…growth. Eric, please get rid of it. For us all, man. Do us the favor.

In the Yankees 4-2 loss to the A’s on Thursday, AROD initiated the Yankees’ first triple play in 42 years. However, in the top of the 6th, pitcher Dallas Braden felt that AROD was a bit naughty. After an AROD single, Cano fouled off a pitch and AROD, who was in between second and third, cut across the mound to return to first base. Apparently that was “MAJOR” because it started a screaming match between Braden and AROD…which was one of the most hilarious things we’ve ever seen during a baseball game. Braden’s reaction was so dramatic that Serena nearly peed herself from laughing so hard. According to Braden, “if he wants to run across the pitcher’s mound, tell him to go do laps in the bullpen.” Um, Braden? When you’re referring to the bull pen, are you talking about that little patch of dirt on the sidelines that they’ve relegated for that purpose? Cos’ that’s not much of a bull pen, darling. At the conclusion of the fight, Braden threw his mitt against the wall in the dugout and kicked over a stack of cups. Wow. So at the age of 26, men are allowed to behave like spoiled brats? Dude, we’re pretty sure that you should’ve outgrown that behavior at this junction in your life. For someone who’s only been in the MLB for 3 years, he sure acts like a primadonna. He must’ve received lessons from Dustin Pedroia.

Baseball Notes: On Sunday, the Mets designated Mike Jacobs (or as Lisa likes to call him, “Mike Jameson” because it sounds sexy. Like him) for assignment…meaning he got fired. This depresses us. Other than Jeff Francoeur, who are we supposed to molest now? Clearly TOWSNBN isn’t going to let us rub up against him as he will not even pose for a photograph with us. In place of Jacobs, the Mets promoted RHP Toby Stoner from Triple A-Buffalo…who is not nearly as hot as Jacobs, but whatever. Obviously Omar Minaya has zero taste in men.

Lou Piniella announced prior to Wednesday night’s game against the Mets that he’s moving the struggling Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen, saying “we felt he could do a really nice job for us there.” The Cubs’ bullpen’s combined ERA entering Wednesday’s game was 6.15 with a 1-6 record and has blown 4 of 7 save opportunities so far.

Cliff Lee’s debut in Seattle is tentatively scheduled for 4/30. He’s going to make a minor league rehab start with Triple A-Tacoma on Monday. If all goes well, he’ll be starting on normal rest against the Rangers.

We’ve already gotten emails from MLB.com about voting for our favorite All Stars. This process needs to be reevaluated. First of all, the fans shouldn’t be allowed to pick anymore because it’s become a mockery. Second of all, the game is not until July and the season is only in its first month. How could you possibly make sound judgments as to who belongs on the All Star roster this early? If we’re going based on performance thus far, Mike Pelfrey is getting the NL Cy Young Award, which is just ridiculous. Okay, admittedly, that statement was an exaggeration, but you get the point. This is the kind of crap that contributes to David Ortiz starting at first for the American League instead of Justin Morneau or Mark Teixeira. Or maybe someone we haven’t even heard of yet, but really deserves to be a member of the team.