You People Don't Even Know Us

You may recall that during the offseason, we gave you a quiz to see how well you knew us. The answers to all of the questions were available for you to look up on the world wide web. They could've been found on the blog, our Facebook page, OR our Twatter feed. This is not complicated shit, people. Yet, overall, you scored an underwhelming 40% on this quiz. How do you fail open book test? It takes a special kind of stupid to accomplish that. You did NOT graduate from TBB University. You will NOT be the next Pussycat Doll. Let's talk about this quiz and where you all went wrong. Unfortunately, the database that created this quiz does not tell us which questions you struggled with, only your final scores, therefore we'll break down each question.

First question:
What was our first out-of-town baseball stadium?
Your options were Safeco Field, PNC Park, Oriole Park, Citizen's Bank Park, or RFK Stadium. The correct answer is RFK Stadium. Do you know how simple it is to find the answer to this question? Literally scroll to the top of the blog, click "MLB Stadiums," search through the blog posts of our visited stadiums, and find which post has the oldest date. That's it. This was a no fail situation.

Next question:
Which TBB has blonde hair?
The correct answer is Serena. Yes, folks, she currently has dark brown hair and lately, she's been sticking to that color, but deep down, Serena is a natural blonde. Lisa may DYE her hair blonde, but under no circumstances is she a natural blonde. You HAD to have known that, right? LOOK at us. Which of us seems more likely to a natural blonde? Do you really look at Lisa and think she might actually have blonde hair without dye assistance? Shame. On. You.

#3:
Which TBB favored Coors Field above all other stadiums? Serena, Lisa, neither, or both?
Again, this was a no fail situation. All you had to do was scroll to the top of this blog and select, "Rank Em'!" We each rank and talk about all of the stadiums we've visited (with the exception of last year's visits...mostly because we're lazy and forgot). The correct answer is Lisa.

#4:
Who is Lisa's Forbidden Love? Joey Votto, David Wright, Cole Hammels, or Derek Jeter?
Ok. We'll admit that it's totally understandable where you could've gotten confused on this one. The answer is Cole Hammels as Lisa is a Mets fan and Hammels pitches for the hated Phillies. It's like a one-sided version of Romeo & Juliet. Like Juliet stalked the crap out of Romeo and Romeo ran away in terror. Where could you find the answer to this question? Scroll to the top of this blog and click, "TBB Cronies & Lingo." Voila.

#5:
Which TBB hates mayo? Lisa, Serena, or we both hate mayo?
The correct answer is Serena. This is something we have discussed at length regularly...on our blog, Facebook page, AND Twatter feed. When Serena's food is accidentally served to her with mayo on it, she has to cover it with a napkin because the sight of mayo disgusts her so much.

#6:
What was our first out-of-town free giveaway? Chicago Cubs license plate frame, Jack Cust bobblehead, Angels baseball hat, Mount Rushmore poster, or Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead?
Correct answer: Teddy Roosevelt bobblehead. Remember how you found the answer to our first out-of-town baseball stadium? You would've found the answer to this question the same way. Oh, and side note: we never got a free Angels hat. Lisa was given that heinous hat by The Favorite. Reading is fundamental.

#7:
Who is Winkie? The cat we adopted together from the North Shore Animal League, one of AJ's cats who tried to suck the breath from Lisa, Serena's family pet, or the imaginary cat we adopted with AJ Burnett?
For starters, without referencing the precise locations of the answer on this blog, if you knew Serena at all, you'd know that she'd never have a cat as a family pet. Secondly, we've clearly referenced AJ's cats sporadically on this blog and on Facebook as Thundercat and She-Ra. Thirdly, we have imaginary relationships with a TON of professional athletes and celebrities. It's like one giant imaginary orgy. OBVIOUSLY, we'd have an adopted imaginary pet with one of them. The precise locations of this answer can be found in both letters to AJ Burnett, "TBB Lingo & Cronies," and there's a photo of him on Facebook in one of our albums. Probably "Wall Photos."

#8:
Which New York baseball team boasts the best sausage sandwich? The Mets or Yankees?
Correct answer: Yankees! Where did you learn this tid bit of information? Back in the day when the former Yankees Stadium and Shea Stadium were still our home team venues (and back when this blog was still a virgin), we talked about how Shea Stadium had the better hot dogs and Yankees Stadium had the better sausage sandwiches. Which probably explains why Lisa finds more guidos at Yankees games than at Mets games.

#9:
Who is Serena going to leave Justin Morneau for? Barry Zito, Chris Cornell, Aaron Rogers, or Justin Verlander?
While the answer to this question is not stated outright anywhere on the blog, it can be determined through basic deductive reasoning by visiting "TBB Lingo & Cronies." There, you will see that Barry Zito is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #1 and Chris Cornell is Serena's Future Ex-Husband #2. Therefore they can't POSSIBLY be the correct answer to this question (you know why, right? Do we have to explain to you that the reason is that both of these men came BEFORE Justin?). Of the remaining choices, who is the man that we talk about incessantly on this [baseball] blog? Justin Verlander.

#10:
Which player did Lisa forget to hand a pen to when asking for an autograph? Brad Ziegler, Huston Street, Barry Zito, or Matt Cain?
Barry Zito. Where did you learn this? In our letter to Barry Zito regarding his offensive moustache. Side note: we do not have autographs from Huston Street OR Matt Cain.

#11:
Which TBB is obsessed with mini-doughnuts? Lisa or Serena?
Lisa. This obsession stems from our trip to San Francisco's Pier 39 and has been referenced in the PETCO Park and Target Field blog posts, as well as on the "While You're in Town" page.

#12:
Who is the player we refer to as the "Big Texan?" Roger Clemens, Roy Oswalt, Josh Hamilton, Andy Pettitte?
Seriously, if any of you got this question wrong, you deserve a dick punch. It's a borderline weekly Facebook post. We're not even going to give you the right answer because if you don't know it, shame on you and your house!

#13:
Which TBB can quote the entire script of Willow? Lisa or Serena?
Which TBB has the mentality of a 5 year old boy? That's basically all you needed to ask yourself to figure out the answer to that question, but if you needed a little help, all you had to do is go to the "Meet Serena" page and see that one of her favorite things is the movie Willow.

#14:
At what stadium did we witness major side boob? "Old" Yankees Stadium, Citi Field, Citizen's Bank Park, or Dodger Stadium?
Yankees Stadium. You could've figured this out by reading any of these stadiums' blog posts.

#15:
Where did Lisa get roofied? And then turn around and accidentally roofie Serena? New York, Philly, Minneapolis, Oakland, or Milwaukee?
Minneapolis and you could've found this information had you read about our recommendations for good time in Minneapolis on our "While You're in Town Page."

In conclusion, you suck. And you're still not getting a poll.

Erin and The Favorite are coming to town this weekend. Serena will be going to Sunday's Yankees game with them (she'll cover the out of towners' first Yankees Stadium experience for the blog separately) and then on Tuesday, we'll be escorting the duo to Citi Field (also to be covered on the blog).

This week's baseball notes:
RA Dickey's been struggling with his new team, sporting an over 4 ERA (closer to 5, to be quite frank) and a 2-3 record. He attributes the issues to ongoing shoulder and back problems, which has caused him to throw his knuckleball slower. He is expected to get an MRI on the problem areas in the near future.

Also set to get an MRI is Kevin Youkilis, who continues to suffer from a stiff back. We're confident that MRI results will show an enormous stripper pole jammed up his rectum. Remind us again why the Yankees signed him? They could've signed Eric Chavez to hold down the fort at third until AROD's return for half off and they would've had a bad ass third baseman in the process. Now they have a tool box that looks like a cracker jack at third when he does play and rides the bench with a stiff back the rest of the time. What. Purpose. Does. He. Serve? Except to annoy the ever the loving crap out of Serena.

Jingle Balls!!

Last week, we provided you an in-depth look into the future friendship between Serena and RA Dickey (which will now be long distance). We asked you if you felt that Serena and RA would make a great dynamic duo like Batman and Robin (Serena being Batman...OBVIOUSLY). 1 d*ckhead said no. Well, you suck balls. And you're probably going to get your way, which is extremely dissatisfying for us. 2 people said, yes because they're both nerds and 4 of you said that they should be friends as long as they let Lisa join in their reindeer games. Like that was ever in doubt.

It's that time of year again. That time where we butcher a well-loved Christmas song and post it here for you to enjoy:

Dashing through the off-season
in a V4 4-door sedan,
oh, to the bars we go,
laughing all the way (HA, HA, HA!).
Shots on losers' dime
make our spirits bright.
How unfun it is to watch our teams
waste money and die!

OH!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in a New York open sleigh, HEY!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in a New York open sleigh.

Anaheim got Josh,
Los Angeles got Zack,
and soon Flushing will be French
with David seated by his side.
The Bronx is lean and lank
at the hot corner spot,
they dipped too much in the bank
and that's why Ichiro got f*cked!

OH!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how sad it is to ride in New York open sleigh, HEY!
Jingle Bells, Youkilis smells,
RA got away.
Oh, how said it is to ride in a New York open sleigh.

This week's baseball notes:
Shane Victorino apparently couldn't pick worse baseball teams to play for. First, the Phillies. Then, the Dodgers. Now, the cherry on top of the douchey team sundae. On Thursday, the Red Sox officially welcomed Victorino to Fenway Park. Victorino signed a 3-year contract worth $39 million. The Red Sox also recently resigned David Ortiz for 2 years, added Jonny Gomes, and possibly Mike Napoli.

Further south on I-95, the Yankees finally announced the signing of Kevin Youkilis to a 1-year contract worth $12 million. Are you freaking kidding us? What happens when Alex Rodriguez comes back from the DL? Are you not going to play Alex? You're paying him an awful lot not to play him. Eric Chavez signed with the Diamondbacks for a whopping $3 million. Who is running the Yankees' check book? They should've snatched up Chavez when they had the chance. He would've been a bargain. Plus, he's a kick a$$ third baseman AND not a douchebag! WTF? Additionally, the Yankees are toying with paying anywhere between $12 and $13 million to sign Ichiro Suzuki for another 2 years. Ichiro is WAY better than Youkilis and we're giving him less money?! Does that make sense? New York Yankees, give us a call, we'll handle your budget and balance your check book. We feel strongly that you're one mistake from receiving a $35 overdraft fee postcard from Bank of America.

Josh Hamilton has signed a crazy 5-year contract worth $125 million that includes a no-trade clause. It also fails to include any form of protection for the Angels should Hamilton fall off the wagon again. However, the Angels appear to be taking no chances. They've brought on board Shayne Kelly, Hamilton's mentor, to help keep Hamilton on the straight and narrow path.

We seem to keep getting closer and closer to watching RA Dickey fly north of the border. Apparently, a trade is in the works between the Mets and Blue Jays that involves at least 7 players and will send Dickey and Josh Thole to the Jays and Jays' top catching prospect, Travis d'Arnaud to the Mets. This trade supposedly involves 3 catchers, but we can't figure who the third guy is. All we know is that if this Travis fellow really does end up with the Mets, he will be henceforth known as "d'Frenchman."

With the holidays upon us, we regret to inform you that this will be our last blog of 2012. We'll see you again in 2013. Try not to weep too much. We'll post an oldie, but goodie next week to keep you company in our absence. We're accepting requests. Should we agree with your opinion, we'll post your request. Should we feel that your choice is stupid (and there's a very good chance that we will), we will pick another post that we deem suitable.

Happy Holidays!

You Look So Beautiful To Me. Can’t You See?

We grieved for a lost time of classy ball players that played with heart last week and asked you lovely people what you felt was the reason for today’s lollygagging on the baseball field. It seems as though you really didn’t give a crap about this because only 4 of you responded. A whopping 2 people chose “I’m fat.” Awesome. 1 person chose “I’m getting paid either way, why do I have to run out the play?” And 1 one person chose “Do you even know who I am? I don’t run.” No one chose “I’m just so tired” or “first base is really far away.”

Apparently among the many stupid things that Carlos Beltran did last season, Beltran also offered to pay for Jon Niese’s nose job if Niese ever chose to go through with one. Niese recently underwent a nose job to repair his Toucan Sam beak and Beltran fully intends to foot the $10,000 bill. We’re so glad that Beltran has so much money as his disposal that he can easily pay for other people’s plastic surgeries. Is he taking requests? Serena would like an ass reduction and Lisa would like a breast lift. Are you listening, Carlos? You f*cking a-hole. By the way, is someone going to pay to have that mole removed from your face? It’s insane. It might have its own gravitational pull.

Let’s think about how this conversation in the clubhouse most likely went down sometime last season:

Setting: Mets Clubhouse

Carlos: Jon, have you ever considered getting plastic surgery?

Jon: Uh…for what?
David: Carlos! We agreed we wouldn’t tell him! You’re such an a-hole!
Carlos: He needs to know, hermano.
Jon: Know what?
Carlos: Listen, hermano, I’m not gonna tell you that you need a nose job, but if you choose to get one, I’ll pay for it.  
Jon: Oh…well…I never really thought about it before…
Carlos: Really? You haven’t? That amazes me. Haven’t you looked in the mirror?
Jon: Well…yeah. I mean, I shaved today. What do you mean?
Carlos: How can I say this without sounding like an a-hole? Oh, wait. I am an a-hole so this shouldn’t be a problem. Do you get laid on a regular basis?
David: Aw, man. I can’t believe you went there!
Jon: Well…no…not really. I mean…there are hookers…and you know…those cleat chasers…and that one blind girl.
Carlos: Exactly.
Jon: Um…are you saying it’s because of my nose?
David: God, this is awkward. Especially since I’m so good looking.
Carlos: Of course I think it’s because of your nose!!! I mean, look at me, Jon. Look at you. Look at David. Now look at you again. We get laid all the time. And when I say all the time, I’m not exaggerating. There are some nights I don’t sleep. I have to drink Red Bull constantly in order to keep my bevy of señoritas satisfied. David here has women of all ages throwing themselves at him. There’s that crazy girl, Lisa, who writes that stupid blog with the mean Yankees fan who wants to punch David in the face. Lisa is two steps away from paying David to bang her.
David: True story. She’s crazy a bitch. And her friend scares me. (Points to his face) I mean, hello. Look at my face. She can’t punch me. There’s a reason why I’m the face of the franchise and you’re not.
Carlos: Yeah and Fruit Loops already has a face of their franchise so you’re sh*t out of luck right now.
David: You need something that’s going to make you stand out, but in a good way. Not in the way that you currently stand out.
Carlos: I mean, when you go down on a girl, doesn’t your nose get in the way?
Jon: Well…I never really noticed…
David: Oh, jeez. That’s a whole other set of problems that we’ll need to work on later.
Carlos: After your nose job.
Jon: Well, if you think I should…
Carlos: I do. Think it over, hermano. Let me know. Oh, and by the way, when you go for the surgery, make sure to notify the Mets. Apparently keeping surgery a secret is frowned upon in this establishment.
(Carlos walks off into the sunset)
Jon: David? Do you think he’s right?
David: (Sigh) I do, little buddy. I mean, if you looked half as good as I do, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We only want what’s best for you. I mean, the team. And my eyesight.
Jon: (Looking very ashamed) I didn’t realize how ugly I was.
David: I don’t even know how that’s possible. You said you owned a mirror.
Jon: I just didn’t think it was so bad. I thought women didn’t like me because I was Jon Niese.
David: Yeah, it’s definitely the nose, buddy. You get that sh*t fixed, you’re a professional baseball player, you live in New York, and you’re sexy. You’re totally getting banged.
Jon: (Hopeful) You really think so?
David: I sure do! Don’t you want to glisten in the sunlight on the mound like I do at third? (Points to his face) This is my money maker. (Holds up mitt) Not this. (Points to his face again) This will get you endorsements and Victoria’s Secret models that will eventually appear on a cyber list called, “Hottest Baseball Girlfriends/Wives.” For god sakes, look at Russell Martin’s bitch. And he’s terrible looking. But he does have a normal-sized nose. You don’t.
Jon: I do want to glisten like you, David!
David: So do it! Carlos is paying for it! He’s a d*ck! And I hear he’s not gonna be around much longer, so just take the money and run!!!
Jon: You’re right, David. I’ll do it. I’ll make my appointment right now!
(Jon skips off happily)
David: (Looking on with pride) That’s it, little buddy. You go on and fly like a bird! A beautiful, normal-sized nosed bird. (Pulls out to-do list and crosses off “Jon Niese Nose Job”) Now that that’s over with, what’s next? Ah, yes. Getting Jose to wash his hair…or traded to another team. (Laughs creepily).

The lights dim and the curtains close.

End scene.

In other baseball news, the Yankees have finalized a $1.1 million, 1-year contract with former Phillies outfielder Raul Ibanez and a $900,000, 1-year deal to retain Eric Chavez. It’s nice when you’re back up third baseman is Eric Chavez. Ibanez will most likely be utilized as a designated hitter and his contract includes $2.9 million in performance bonuses. The TBB are definitely working in the wrong industry.

Ryan Braun joined the team’s first full-squad practice on Saturday having had a heavy burden lifted. Braun was found free and clear of the substance abuse charges and 50-game suspension he’d been facing heading into the 2012 season. Thank goodness. We would’ve been severely disappointed if our favorite Brewer turned out to be a giant fail.

Akon serenades us with, “I see you in the clubhouse. No girl wants to get with you. I see you in the clubhouse. No one’s showing you love. You’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. Said you’re so not beautiful. So not beautiful. With your nose.”  

Babies, Freds, Rookies & Temper Tantrums

Before we report to you the pathetic results of last week’s poll, we happily inform you that Sister had a charming baby girl. 8 lbs. 11 oz. in all her glory. Sister’s ability to pop something that size from her being entitles her to TBB Super Hero of the Week privileges…not that that actually gets her anything. Like a cool parking space or a snazzy keychain, but at least she will feel appreciated. Since Sister was in labor last week, we were a bit hurried and our poll was a little short on options. This apparently hurt our turnout because only 4 people chose to vote. We asked what song you would come out to the plate to if you were a big league hitter like Lisa and the winner with a rousing 2 votes was Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” While that song is amazing, can you people get anymore unoriginal? 1 person voted for one of the best stripper songs in history, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” and 1 other person voted for Outfield’s “Your Love,” which Lisa thought was called, “Josie” (as in “Josie’s on a vacation far away. Come around and talk it over. So many things that I want to say. You know I like my girls a little bit older. I just wanna use your love tonight”). Sadly, no one thought Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best” would be their anthem. Really? That song playing on the radio is what prompted this poll question. In fact, we’re probably going to force the two Freds to come out to that song at the Fred K’s Cancer event because we’re the best daughters ever.

In outstanding Mets news, the boys from Flushing finally won a series! Cue the ticker tape parade, ladies and gentlemen. This is a momentous occasion that needs celebrating. We’ll bathe in it like bubble bath. Also, our favorite amigo, Johan Santana, has started wearing rosary beads as an accessory. Why, Johan? Say it ain’t so. Don’t leave us this way. We can’t survive without your sweet facial hair.

Francisco Rodriguez recorded his first save last night.

Ike Davis, Hottie Jacobs’ replacement, made his major league debut this week against the Cubs. Other than his sideburns, he’s become a fan favorite for being able to actually make contact with the ball unlike a few other players on the team. He assisted in the Mets 6-1 victory on Monday, going 2 for 4 with an RBI.

The Yankees have started their west coast trip with shocking success, taking two of three from the Oakland Athletics. Phil Hughes nearly no-hit the A’s on Wednesday night, pitching into the 8th. Eric Chavez’s lead off line drive ricocheted off of Hughes’ left arm (or glove. It was hard to see from the angle shown on the TV) and the ball rolled in front of him, where he lost track of it until that Brazilian Landing Strip Chin made it to first with an infield single. Hughes struck out a career high 10 batters in the Yankees 3-1 victory. He is now 2-0.

Brazilian Landing Strip Chin’s retirement into the DH role has been somewhat depressing, considering his former prowess at the hot corner and while we can sympathize with him, it does not excuse that…growth. Eric, please get rid of it. For us all, man. Do us the favor.

In the Yankees 4-2 loss to the A’s on Thursday, AROD initiated the Yankees’ first triple play in 42 years. However, in the top of the 6th, pitcher Dallas Braden felt that AROD was a bit naughty. After an AROD single, Cano fouled off a pitch and AROD, who was in between second and third, cut across the mound to return to first base. Apparently that was “MAJOR” because it started a screaming match between Braden and AROD…which was one of the most hilarious things we’ve ever seen during a baseball game. Braden’s reaction was so dramatic that Serena nearly peed herself from laughing so hard. According to Braden, “if he wants to run across the pitcher’s mound, tell him to go do laps in the bullpen.” Um, Braden? When you’re referring to the bull pen, are you talking about that little patch of dirt on the sidelines that they’ve relegated for that purpose? Cos’ that’s not much of a bull pen, darling. At the conclusion of the fight, Braden threw his mitt against the wall in the dugout and kicked over a stack of cups. Wow. So at the age of 26, men are allowed to behave like spoiled brats? Dude, we’re pretty sure that you should’ve outgrown that behavior at this junction in your life. For someone who’s only been in the MLB for 3 years, he sure acts like a primadonna. He must’ve received lessons from Dustin Pedroia.

Baseball Notes: On Sunday, the Mets designated Mike Jacobs (or as Lisa likes to call him, “Mike Jameson” because it sounds sexy. Like him) for assignment…meaning he got fired. This depresses us. Other than Jeff Francoeur, who are we supposed to molest now? Clearly TOWSNBN isn’t going to let us rub up against him as he will not even pose for a photograph with us. In place of Jacobs, the Mets promoted RHP Toby Stoner from Triple A-Buffalo…who is not nearly as hot as Jacobs, but whatever. Obviously Omar Minaya has zero taste in men.

Lou Piniella announced prior to Wednesday night’s game against the Mets that he’s moving the struggling Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen, saying “we felt he could do a really nice job for us there.” The Cubs’ bullpen’s combined ERA entering Wednesday’s game was 6.15 with a 1-6 record and has blown 4 of 7 save opportunities so far.

Cliff Lee’s debut in Seattle is tentatively scheduled for 4/30. He’s going to make a minor league rehab start with Triple A-Tacoma on Monday. If all goes well, he’ll be starting on normal rest against the Rangers.

We’ve already gotten emails from MLB.com about voting for our favorite All Stars. This process needs to be reevaluated. First of all, the fans shouldn’t be allowed to pick anymore because it’s become a mockery. Second of all, the game is not until July and the season is only in its first month. How could you possibly make sound judgments as to who belongs on the All Star roster this early? If we’re going based on performance thus far, Mike Pelfrey is getting the NL Cy Young Award, which is just ridiculous. Okay, admittedly, that statement was an exaggeration, but you get the point. This is the kind of crap that contributes to David Ortiz starting at first for the American League instead of Justin Morneau or Mark Teixeira. Or maybe someone we haven’t even heard of yet, but really deserves to be a member of the team.