Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena

The 2 TBB Wolfpack

Keeping with our policy of reporting to you the most excellent stadium tour summaries that we possibly can, we wanted to know how we could better these reports for our upcoming tours. Unfortunately, it appears that only 4 people want us to improve ourselves. Thanks a lot, people. You’re absolutely no help whatsoever. Just go ahead and let us rot with failure. Of the 4 of you who actually give a crap, the feedback was split between “Eat more food and report back because it’s clear that your stomachs are bottomless pits and it shouldn’t be a problem” and “More fan interaction because it’s great when you guys make complete a-holes out of yourselves.” This is somewhat encouraging because the other two options were a little mean: “More pictures of the stadium because I’m so tired of seeing your stupid faces” and “Just stop. Please stop. I cannot stand you two and I don’t even know why I check this site anymore.”

Before we get into today’s post, we’d like you to show some support our dear friend, Linda by voting for her in MLB’s Honorary Bat Girl contest. To read her story and vote, search “zizabella4915.” Linda is a warm, loving individual with a lot of spirit and fight. This is why she is our TBB Super Hero of the Week.

We’re blogging today from a waiting room at a Patient Service Center. Thankfully, neither of us are dead or dying (that we know of at least), but we are a bit frustrated. That is all we’re permitted to tell you about that at this time. Suffice it to say that we have a most excellent surprise for you, but we can’t tell you what it is yet. Very exciting. Don’t you just hate it when people do that? But now that we’ve got you hooked, we know that you’ll tune in next week to find out what the surprise is. We’re pretty smart like that.

Anyway, onward to the good sh*t. We bought our Brewers tickets this week for the bargain price of $114 (total with tax and service fees). This may sound a bit steep considering where we normally sit, but wait til’ you see the seats we actually scored. They’re located in an infield box on the third base side. We’d like to remind you that we’ll be seeing the Brewers play the Giants…and where does the away sit during the game? Oh, yes. The third base side. Don’t you worry your orange and black hats, boys, the TBB are gonna get you and bring you back to their cozy TBB beds. *Insert diabolical laugh*

We’ll be purchasing our airfare this weekend. Twins tickets go on sale on Saturday, March 26th, so we’re 95% of the way there. Of course, we still have to buy our airfare to Denver, but we’ve got plenty of time for that.

We’ve decided to open up a TBB Sweepstakes to keep our fans stimulated. What is the prize? Just going to Mets Opening Day with Lisa. For a chance to win, email us by April 1st with your name, email address, a contact number, and a paragraph about why you deserve to go with her. The winner’s entry will be posted to that week’s blog.

For some reason, the baseball notes we found this week were incredibly amusing to us. For starters, Carlos Beltran apparently approached manager Terry Collins about moving from center to right field because, “this is not about Carlos. This is about team.” Are you friggin’ sh*tting us? Since WHEN is this not about Carlos? Angel Pagan, who covered center in Beltran’s absence last year, will likely take over. If this is a completely selfless act on Beltran’s part, then Lisa is the Prime Minister of Greece and Serena will be replacing Elizabeth II on the throne any day now.

Just before the Yankees took on the Astros, Mark Teixeira announced that he’s parted ways with his long-time agent…none other than the devil himself, Scott Boras. According to Teixeira, “sometimes it’s time to make a little change.” Oh, it’s like justice has been delivered…sort of. It’d be poetry if every client he’s ever had up and left him in the gutter to be “murdered by crystal meth tweakers.”

So long for today, suckers. “What do the TBB dream of when they take a little TBB snooze? Do they dream of mauling Beltran or looking hot in a Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your little worried heads, we’re gonna get you back to the stadiums and the yummy baseball foods. And then you’re not gonna find your ex-BFFER, Brad and you’re certainly not gonna give him a best friend hug. Brad. Oh, Brad. Oh, Brad (this is not us moaning, by the way). But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then the A’s are sh*t out of luck.”

PS- In case you couldn’t tell, we watched The Hangover this weekend…a few times.