TBB: A-holes In Disguise. More Than Meets the Eye

Last week, we shared with you our drunken stupidness (and no one found it at all sad and pathetic…you actually enjoyed reading it) and asked if you would’ve take us to Taco Bell had you been with us that night. 3 of you kindly voted that you definitely would have taken us since you love late night Taco Bell runs. 1 a-hole (probably someone who hates us and doesn’t get our sarcastic humor) said that we sounded like a pack of a-holes. Well, okay then. We have nothing to reply to that. You’re just mean.

While working out, we overheard the YES Network playing some sort of program that was focusing a lot on the famous Derek Jeter catch in which he dove into the stands to catch a foul ball.

We joked about the woman who basically ended up with a lap full of Jeter. “Congratulations, lady. You got to third with Derek Jeter. High five.” This then led us to create more fake dialogue, which we’ve decided to share with you:
Lady: Was it good for you?
Derek: (standing disoriented and bloodied) Der…whaaat?
Lady: Cos’ it wasn’t for me. You were entirely too aggressive and I didn’t like it at all.

Briefly off subject, while searching for that photo of Derek Jeter, we found this:

See anything wrong here? A prize to the person who emails the correct answer first.

Reds closer, Ryan Madson received the surprising news that his season has ended before it even began. Madson will require Tommy John surgery on a torn elbow ligament. The surgery requires up to one year of recovery and rehab. Serena will obviously not be seeking to re-hire him this year for Tigers Love Pepper.

Red Sox reliever, Bobby Jenks was arrested early Friday morning for five misdemeanor charges, including a DUI. He issued a statement on Sunday, apologizing to his teammates and the Red Sox organization. We’d be pretty sorry too. 5 misdemeanors in one evening? Congratulations, sir. Probably spent a night in jail. Yup. That’s definitely something to be sorry about.

The big stories for us involve Chipper Jones and Andy Pettitte. We’d like to say that it involves TOWSNBN making his first spring training start, but alas, that is not so. He did manage to participate in his first live batting practice today, so that’s a plus. He could potentially make his spring training debut tomorrow, but we’re not going to get our hopes up. At this point, Lisa just wants to know who is pitching at Mets Opening Day so that she can decide whether or not she’s going to be walking into the ballpark with some level of hope.

Chipper Jones announced his plans to retire at the close of the 2012 season at a Thursday morning press conference. The press conference took place following sustaining an injury to his left knee while running in the outfield. The soon-to-be 40-year old slugger will begin the season on the DL for the torn meniscus in his knee, but is confident that he’ll be back in action for the Braves’ home opener at Turner Field on April 13^th. The fact that this will be the last season we’ll ever see Chipper Jones play against the Mets depresses us. Our first Mets game together was a Braves/Mets game at Shea Stadium. Adam LaRoche tossed Serena a ball during batting practice. Mike Jacobs took a picture with Lisa. Kris Benson waved to us on his way to the bullpen. Jeff Francouer still played for the Braves. Our last game at Shea Stadium together was a Braves/Mets game as well. Chipper Jones is the standard of everything we once hated about the Braves organization. Gone were the rest of the douchebags that once made the Braves competitors: Greg Maddux, Javy Lopez (who is the definition of beauty, but still a d*ck), Fred McGriff, Andruw Jones (who has so kindly graced Yankees Stadium with his presence), John Rocker, Marquis Grissom, Jermaine Dye, and David Justice. The last man standing on a team of hard-working “babies” is Chipper Jones. Who will we hate when he’s gone? What derisive chant are we going to start at Citi Field during a Braves game, if not the antagonistic and annoyingly repetitive, “Larry?” Because of this, we’ve decided that our Mets game for the season will have to be against the Braves. Granted, we’ll be visiting Turner Field this season, but that’s not the same. We need a little Met on Brave action. And we need to chant, “Larry” one last time before Chipper rides off into the sunset with his son, Shea.

The good news is that Andy Pettitte’s making a comeback (“don’t call it a comeback…mama said knock you out”), so that will hold off the depressed feeling of being old for a short while. Pettitte has signed a 1-year minor league deal with the Yankees and threw his first live batting practice session on Friday. He threw 35 warm up pitches, 26 more to actual batters, and two pitchouts. According to pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, the outing went “awesome.” There’s no word yet as to when he’ll start in his first spring training game or even when he could potentially join the Yankees during the regular season. Serena’s a bit over-excited about this. If he joins the Yankees as early as May, she’ll probably wet herself.

We spent our Saturday afternoon participating in the Workout for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital at the Lady of America Fitness Center. We were Team Transformers (as in “more than meets the eye”). Serena crunched, Lisa counted, and Roberta spun for an hour. By “spun,” we mean on a stationary bike, not in circles like a wack-a-doo. To celebrate our team name, we covered ourselves in fake Transformers tattoos. Serena briefly contemplated legitimately getting the Transformers logo tattooed on her body like an a-hole. Lisa encouraged this. In fact, she said that she’d get Mr. Met tattooed on her body if Serena followed through with this dumbass idea. This nonsense caused us to be late to the event.

Thankfully, Roberta was not late and she saved us a spot near her bike. Note the awesome Transformers water bottle that we were all sporting.

Serena rolled out her yoga mat and we assumed the position. Don’t we look intimidating?

At the end of the hour, Serena had completed 5,155 crunches. This might sound amazing to you, but when Serena participated in this event last (in 2010), she did 7,000 crunches. Old age has clearly slowed her down. How the mighty have fallen. No word on what Roberta accomplished. We obviously dropped the ball on that one. Sorry, guys.

Afterwards, we ate at IHOP and blew all the hard work that we did. As if that wasn’t enough, 2 hours later, we ate pizza.

Bringing it home with a little Seven Mary Three: “Our fake dialogue has become cumbersome.”

Facial Hair Around the League Strikes Back

After recounting our experiences with the worst (and best) things we’ve ever put into our mouths (at a ballpark) to date, we decided to ask you what you thought the worst thing we’ve put into our mouths (at a ballpark) was. 7 of you voted and the feedback appears to be split between two items: the Dodger Dog) and the $1 hot dog from Target Field. 4 of you voted for the $1 hot dog and 3 chose the Dodger Dog.

One year ago today, we brought to you our “Facial Hair Around the League” blog (you should know that we now have the Star Wars theme playing in the background as we type this, making this blog even more epic than usual). At first, we were concerned about how you’d feel about such an asstastic blog, considering it had very little to do with the actual sport of baseball and more to do with what we find attractive in the male species. However, you seemed to enjoy it very much. It was even featured on our Popular Posts blogroll for an extended period of time. That being said, we decided that we should bring you an updated edition of the aforementioned Facial Hair post as it’s quite clear that men have failed to take our advice seriously as there’s a repeat offender on our list. He’s a man who, no matter how often we beg, refuses to acquiesce to our request. More surprising is that there’s one man on this list who is typically the golden boy of 5:00 shadows. He apparently lost his goddamn mind this year.

Let’s start with the hot messes, shall we?

Jayson Werth. Is anyone really shocked that this a-hole is on our hairy sh*t list? He was featured on our original Facial Hair Around the League post AND we wrote him a personal letter asking him to do something about the horrendous decisions he makes when playing with razors. It appears as though moving to DC hasn’t helped things. What in god’s name is that? Lisa thinks she just saw a pigeon fly out of it. It’s disgusting. Just looking at it gives us lice. Lisa’s itchy.

Barry Zito. This is the most disappointing situation in the entire facial hair community. You might be asking yourselves why is this so disappointing? It’s just a moustache. No. It’s so much more than that. It’s the end of mankind as we know it. Forget 2012. Barry Zito’s moustache is going to kill us all. Once upon a time, Barry Zito could do no wrong with his facial hair (and pitching come to think of it. My, how things have changed). He sported everything from clean shaven (Lisa’s personal favorite), full beard, goatee, to varying degrees of the 5:00 shadow (Serena’s personal favorite) and he did it with impeccable grace. He was the poster child for how men should groom their faces. Then it all went terribly wrong at the start of the 2011 season when we noticed that he adopted a 1970’s porn-stache. Gentlemen, this is quite possibly one of the most offensive things you could possibly do to your face. What are you thinking when you decide to go with growing a black caterpillar beneath your nose? In Jayson Werth’s case, he just let himself go out of laziness. Or maybe when the full moon hits, he turns into a werewolf and eats people. Zito’s situation is so much worse because it was obviously pre-meditated as the rest of his face was clean shaven. He actually intended to look like Tom Selleck.  

Brian Wilson. We know that the beard is magical. We get it. We know that the hair and ridiculous bush on his face is all about exerting his independence. We get that he’s got “personality.” He’s not just a pretty face, ya know. We get that. Really. We do. However, at some point, you need to let that sh*t go. On the subject of 1970’s porn, Zito might have the stache, but Wilson is sporting the 1970’s porn bush. As in vagina. His actual hair is bad enough. Couple that with the porn bush and there’s not much else to say. Mr. Wilson, do you get laid? We have this theory that you’re hung like an elephant’s trunk, but jeez, guy. That’s only gonna get you so far and we can’t imagine a girl wanting to make out with you under those circumstances. Furthermore, how do you go down town with that crap on your face? Doesn’t it get in the way???

Will Rhymes. We’re not sure what’s happening here. Either this disaster was pre-planned (which is pathetic) or Rhymes is literally unable to grow a full beard. In those instances, gentlemen, please don’t bother growing the beard. Shave it. You look like a giant partial hairy a-hole when you’ve got bald patches and tufts of hair here and there. He looks like he couldn’t even commit to a moustache. He must have commitment problems because if you can’t even commit to growing a full beard, you can’t commit to one vagina. Plus, he must have body hair issues because why else is his neck so damn hairy whereas his face is like that of a baby’s bottom??? Friggin’ weird.

Now…onto the promising young chaps of the 2011 season

Brian McCann. If you’re going to go full beard, this is the way to do it. Aside from being a ginger, which is creepy, McCann has grown a mostly even beard and it’s well maintained. There are no stragglers, no wildlife emerging from the underbrush, no porn music, you can see his mouth clearly, and most importantly, last night’s meal didn’t get lodged there by mistake. If he could just not be a ginger, we’d be kosher with his look.

CJ Wilson. Good grief, this boy is smokin’ hot. Unfortunately, he’s crazy and sober, but that’s a whole other blog for a different day. This is how you do “extra” scruff without committing to an actual beard (or porn-stache). As you can see, Wilson is just at the precipice of sh*t getting out of hand. Another day or two and he’ll need to buzz it down so he doesn’t start looking like a beast. A beast with rabies. This is heaven. Maybe not so much for Lisa, but definitely for Serena. And despite the extra fur, even Lisa can admit to wanting to lick his face off. That’s how good Wilson looks. Men, take note. Meow. This kind of facial hair, when done well, could get you laid.

Justin Verlander. Ah. The “clean” version of the scruff. Like Wilson, Verlander is also sporting a 5:00 shadow of some sorts, only his is more on the conservative side. This is also sexy. With this look, Verlander exudes manly musk, tough and rough play, might pull your hair a little bit, masculinity, hotness, rip-his-clothes-off naughty yet, at the same time, remains controlled and hygienic. Like a true gentleman. Boys, invest in a buzzer as opposed to an actual razor. This way you can maintain a scruff without ever having to go clean shaven again.

Cole Hamels. Hamels is demonstrating how to do a “barely there” scruff. This is as close to Lisa’s clean shaven look as this particular blog post will permit. This is a look you want to go for if you don’t want to go clean shaven, but your woman doesn’t dig nuzzling up to fuzz. It’s what we call a compromise. You’ll still get laid and you get to keep some manly facial hair while your woman won’t bitch about your 5:00 shadow giving her a rash when she makes out with you. Serena doesn’t have much use for the clean shaven look, but even she admits that Hamels needs to be nibbled on, so you know that’s saying something. If you’re not sure what your girl likes, go with this until you find out more. It’s just like when you can’t figure out what color looks best on you, you go with the old reliable black shirt. It’s a no fail. Win-win.

Baseball notes:

According to a source, former Phillies’ closer Ryan Madson has signed a 1-year contract with the Reds that will pay him $6 million in 2012 with an $11 million option for 2013 that carries a $2.5 million buyout. The deal itself is on hold thanks mostly to Madson being on vacation and failing to schedule his physical. Farewell to the only Phillies player that Serena was willing to bang. Lisa’s Forbidden Love, on the other hand, is still with the Phillies’ organization.

Justin Verlander made an appearance on Conan O’Brien where the two men discussed Verlander’s pre-game rituals. Turns out, Serena and the Cy Young Award winner have more in common than we previously thought. Verlander said, “The night before, as you can tell by my amazing physique, I eat Taco Bell. Every night.” He even shared the specifics of his order: “Three crunchy taco supremes, no tomato, cheesy gordita crunch, and a Mexican pizza, no tomato.” We think Serena may have found her soul mate. Now all we have to do is get them to “serendipitously” meet. Perhaps at a Taco Bell. After carefully reviewing the video of this interview, it’s been decided that Justin Morneau has been demoted from Serena’s Future Husband to Serena’s Future Ex-Husband #3. Justin Verlander, on the other hand, shall now hold the title of Serena’s Future Husband.

Commissioner Bud Selig’s 2-year extension through the 2014 season was approved on Thursday night by MLB’s ownership. Not sure anyone really gives a crap, but there we have it.

Remember Johan Santana? Yeah, we kind of forgot he existed as well. The man’s been busy rehabbing in Florida from the surgery he had on his left shoulder. There’s a really long article on MLB.com that basically offered us no answers and included positive, negative, and uncertain feedback. Super helpful. The headline even leads us to wonder what the f is going on: “Mets See Rehabbing Left-Hander Johan Santana’s Tank as Half-Full.” Half-full? Really? The man’s been out for over a year now. He’s not even ¾ of a tank full yet? The Mets are hopeful for him to undergo a proper spring training and to be ready be for the start of the season, but we’ll see. Right now, it feels a little bit like Santana is the Missing Link. There are rumors he exists, but we haven’t seen any evidence of it yet. If the Mets are counting on him to be their savior this year, that is pretty scary.

Closing out this week with a little bit of classic MJ: “Shave it. Shave it. Jayson Werth, won’t you please shave it? Use a razor. It could be nice. It doesn’t matter if it’s disposable or not. Just shave it.”

After These Messages

We know that our typical blog day is Sunday (and don’t worry, you’ll still get a blog tomorrow. We know how poorly you all deal with change), but we’re posting our pathetic poll results and baseball notes today so that tomorrow’s post can strictly focus on the rewrite of our trip to Philly in 2008. We’ve posted a new poll that you won’t vote on because that’s been you’re your MO from this blog’s inception. So, good job, guys. Way to not exercise your mouse-clicking finger.

Needless to say our most recent poll failed to live up to its “legen-wait for it-dary” potential. In the two weeks that it graced the blog, the How I Met Your Mother poll managed to earn 8 lousy votes. The only good thing about this is that you guys actually voted on both the Lisa poll and Serena poll, so that’s a vast improvement from the last time we offered you two polls at the same time. We asked which character from How I Met Your Mother was most similar to us (admittedly, this has stemmed from the fact that we’ve caught a lot of HIMYM marathons recently). Truthfully, some of your answers scared us just a tad. 5 of you thought that Lisa was Ted because she is constantly searching for her one true love. Serena felt like this was a given because Lisa is clearly Ted. Period. True, she does have a gambling problem like Barney (1 person voted for this), but aside from the gambling, she literally has nothing in common with that character. No one voted for Lily or Robin, but 2 of you jack-a-loons actually chose Marshall after Serena deliberately added the following statement to that poll choice: “actually she’s nothing like Marshall. If you pick this option, you’re an a-hole.” Don’t get us wrong. Marshall’s hilarious and Lisa might have a touch of a crush on him, but there is nothing remotely similar about Marshall and Lisa. Do you realize that this makes the 2 of you who voted for that option a-holes? Did you understand that when you decided to select that? Now…Serena, on the other hand, received quite the variety in terms of responses. Either she’s got multiple personalities or you people have no idea what you’re talking about. 1 person voted for Barney because she has a drinking problem, likes to suit up, and would kill to find someone to play laser tag with. We suppose that’s all valid statements however she’s not as much of a d*ck as Barney is. At least, that’s what we like to think. You might have a different opinion on the subject. 1 person chose Lily because she is also obsessed with Christmas. She’s like an alcoholic Santa’s Helper. Just so you’re aware, we had to think long and hard to come up with an option for Serena to be compared to Lily. Why? Because she has nothing else that could possibly relate her to Lily. So you, sir or madam, who voted for Lily are wrong. FYI. 2 people chose Ted because she would do something as stupid as stealing a blue horn from the wall of a local restaurant. This is just bizarre. Yes, she’d probably steal something as cool as a blue horn, but do you know why he stole that blue horn? To impress Robin. Serena would steal that horn just because. She’s nowhere near as girly as Ted is. She’d eat a dude like Ted for a mid-morning snack and forget all about him by lunchtime. 1 person voted for Marshall because she would relish the idea of winning a slap bet and having the opportunity to slap Barney 5 times at any time from now until eternity. You’re probably right. In fact, when she read this, she started laughing. 3 of you voted for Robin because she also has a dude’s personality trapped inside a chick’s body. It kind of hurts when YOU tell her this, but yeah. This can’t entirely be denied. Serena is probably most similar to Robin. However, she isn’t exactly a boy trapped in a girl’s body. She DOES have some girly traits. We promise. You should see her shoe closet and she owns dresses. Swear. She even wears them. We did have a Facebook fan mention that he wasn’t too familiar with HIMYM, which gave him difficulty when it came to voting. Was that the problem? You guys never watched the show? What would’ve been better for you? He mentioned NYPD Blue, but we never watched that show.  

Okay, enough of that. The big news of the week has been the kidnapping of Nationals’ catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela. 50 hours after of being abducted on the front lawn of his mother’s house in broad daylight, Ramos was rescued by Venezuelan authorities following a 15-minute gunfight. Justice Minister Tareck El Aissami, who announced the news of the rescue last night, said that the police had 3 men in custody, one of them being a Columbian that is “linked to paramilitary groups and to kidnapping groups.” Authorities are still gathering evidence to determine if there was anyone else involved in this senseless crime. There had been a candlelight vigil held at Nationals Ballpark behind the center field gate during the day yesterday. Approximately 100 fans showed up to pay their respects. Apparently Venezuela has been ranked at the top of the list in murder rates and kidnappings in the world. This is some scary sh*t. The Ramos family is extremely lucky as many families never see their loved ones again.

Other tid bits from around the league seem to pale in comparison to Ramos’ story, but we feel obligated to talk about it anyway. First, the fun, uplifting stuff. Robin Ventura is back in Chicago, replacing Ozzie Guillen as manager! We LOVE Ventura. He’s a great guy, was fantastic hitter, and an outstanding third basemen (and we know how critical Serena is of third basemen). Serena still can’t figure out what the purpose was of getting rid of him for Aaron Boone. Not that Boone’s a douchebag, but c’mon. Watching him play third is like watching an apprentice attempt to replicate the Sistine Chapel. Just not the same. If you’re gonna replace someone, don’t downgrade.

Speaking of douchebag, Jonathan Papelbon will be joining a roster of douchebags next season! Papelbon recently signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies for $50 million. Apparently this is the largest contract for a closer in baseball history. Isn’t that sweet? It includes an option for a fifth season that could increase the value to $60 million. According to some sources, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is now on the hunt for Michael Cuddyer. Can the Twins really afford to let Cuddy walk? They’ve already allowed Jim Thome to go to the Phillies!!! Why, Thome, WHY? Furthermore, there’s a chance they’ll lose Jason Kubel to free agency this offseason as well. Amaro also has to deal with the fact that Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Madson are up for grabs.

Other names potentially seeking other employment opportunities this offseason? A-hole Beltran, we mean Carlos, Yuniesky Betancourt, Jonathan Broxton, Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Prince Fielder, Brad Lidge, David Ortiz, Roy Oswalt, Jorge Posada, Lazy Reyes, we mean Jose, CJ Wilson, Tim Wakefield, and some guy named Albert Pujols. You may have heard of him. Serena’ll take Oswalt. She can live with the Yankees signing him. : ) Maybe he’ll balance out the fact that a basket case with terrible, terrible hair is the Yankees’ supposed #2 guy. Lisa’s simply looking forward to unloading yet another arrogant and lazy piece of garbage that cares more for himself than the fans and actually trying to win a game.

Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena