Terribleness...and Balls. Balls for Everyone

We should preface this blog admitting that we are drinking heavily while blogging. If there are typos, do not email us about them. For we are drunk. And we do not care. We are celebrating surviving another 5K...and Father's Day. Yesterday we ran in the Inaugural Running of the Balls to benefit the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation in honor of Fred #1. It was very hot. And sort of confusing because we didn't understand the location of the mile markers, which made things very stressful for us, but nevertheless, as always, we finished (that's what he said). We've even got pictures for you:

 

 

As per our response on our Facebook page, it's clear that you people do not care that we took a photo with a hairy testicle. You people only care that it was Timmy's birthday yesterday. It's not like he's buying you guys birthday drinks! Like he buys us. When we go boozin'...which is A LOT. Don't let our long distance relationship fool you. He's just as committed to it as we are. This is us drunk at some local bar participating in Tom Foolery:

After the 5K,we stopped at a nearby café that served two-fer mimosas and bloody mary's. Obviously, we needed that because without alcohol, we experience liver failure.

These mimosas were pathetic. There was hardly any alcohol in them. Serena is way better at mixing alcoholic beverages than these people. Serena's bartending mission is that if you're not drunk after 2 drinks, she didn't put enough booze in your drink. Trust us, she will mix different liquors that do not compliment each other in order to accomplish this mission. In fact, during her Casino Royale party, Serena made a pitcher of the "Vesper Martini" and Brother took one sip of it and stated, "Hello. I am experiencing liver failure." Yup. She's that good.

PS - Lisa is drunk and Serena is not. This is why Serena hates being the professional in this duo. Now she's going to need to hit the bottle of Johnny so that she can catch up.

Lisa now wants to be done blogging, so where we were initially going to discuss the All Star Game, we are now going to leave you to drink more. But before we go, we're going to wish Happy Father's Day to our two special Freds...who we're confident are super proud of all of our endeavors.

Tigers Love Pepper

You’re probably wondering where I am taking you with today’s blog based on the title. Am I really going to be spending an entire blog post discussing the finer points of Alan’s theory that “tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon?” No, though I probably could if I really thought about it. Oh…and by the way, in case you couldn’t tell, you’re only getting me today since Lisa is on vacation in Miami with Nicole, Fred K’s Cancer, Inc.’s Director of Operations (or something like that…I always forget what her real title is). Since Lisa isn’t here, there’s no one to restrain my bad behavior. I apologize in advance.

Before we discuss the meat and potatoes of this post, I must cover last week’s poll results. With the departure of Carlos Beltran, we asked if you felt that Beltran would be an asset to the Giants. No one voted for, “my right butt cheek would be more of an asset to the Giants than Beltran.” 3 of you voted for, “were they looking for something to decorate the outfield with? Then yes.” This is interesting because both options were designed to insult Beltran, so technically, even a true Beltran fan would be selecting an option that degraded him…which is exactly how we like it. On Thursday night, Lisa and I attended the dinner reception of the 8^th Annual Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Celebrity Golf Outing. At a charity event, I managed to get into a somewhat loud debate at the bar (shocker, right?) with a nice man named Andrew over Beltran’s attributes…or lack thereof. We eventually parted ways, agreeing to disagree because everyone’s opinion counts and all that junk, but let’s be real. I was right.

Onto the real purpose of today’s post: Tigers Love Pepper. As you may recall from previous posts, Tigers Love Pepper is the name of my fantasy baseball team. Now, I’m not going to sit here and babble for several pages about the inner workings of my fake baseball team (though I’m confident that if it existed in real life, my pitching staff would carry my team into the World Series and crush the opposition. Unlike Cliff Lee’s bull sh*t pre-season bragging, my staff actually WOULD be legendary). I want to talk about why playing fantasy baseball should be relegated to individuals who actually know nothing and/or care nothing for the sport of baseball.

All of you major baseball followers are probably outraged by that statement, but hear me out. I am thrilled to report that the Phillies have officially activated Roy Oswalt from the disabled list yesterday and he’ll be making his first start in six weeks against Tim Lincecum today. Why would I give a sh*t about this? I care nothing for the Phillies and their position in the standings, I dislike several players on the Phillies’ roster, and while I think Oswalt is a fine pitcher (fine meaning talented, people), his performances has absolutely no meaning on the American League side of things. Here’s why: I made a gamble on Thursday afternoon and picked Oswalt up while he was still listed on the DL in hopes that he’d return and dominate the crap out of everyone he faces for the remainder of the season. Now…I love Lincecum. Adore him. If I could, I’d keep him on my bed all day and cuddle with him at night. I’d trade Lisa for him and I am pretty confident she’d understand and be okay with it if I did. I ranked him as one of my top 5 players in my fantasy draft and unfortunately didn’t get him. The TBB have even named August 14^th as Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day. The only way I could love Lincecum more is if he were traded to the Yankees. That being said, I want Oswalt to wipe the f*cking floor with the Giants’ lineup today. I’m not asking for Lincecum to suffer the ultimate collapse. I just need Oswalt to one-up him. Perhaps pitch a complete game and help bring my strikeout total for the week near the 80 mark. I apologize to the Bay Area fans that our blog has, but this is why I should not be allowed to play fantasy sports. My priorities are completely out of whack.

Need additional examples? I was outraged to find out that Ryan Madson was listed as “NA” on my roster because he went on paternity leave to be with his wife and new baby. What the hell? Like he pushed the kid out of his vagina and needed a friggin’ break! Sure, you could argue the point that the man has every right to be with his family and newborn child during such an important time, but screw that! If he wanted to spend more time with his family, he should’ve become CPA and not a professional athlete. Thanks to his selfishness, my relief pitching rested entirely on Andrew Bailey. Can you see how this mindset is not normal?

Let’s try a few weeks ago when while blogging, Lisa and I watched the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets were actually making a comeback. Under typical circumstances, I’d be right alongside Lisa rooting for the Mets. What actually happened? Madson had loaded the bases and allowed this rally to occur. I was irate. The fool was ruining my overall ERA. Lisa could only watch me in horror as I paced in front of the television and demanded that Charlie Manuel remove the a$$ clown from the game before my ERA spiraled out of control. If the Mets were going to rally, why couldn’t they do it against some other jack-a-loon in the Phillies’ bull pen! Why did it have to be MY jack-a-loon??

When I wake up in the morning, check my lineup, and see that Justin Verlander’s pitching, I immediately believe that the day will be a good one. There’s an instant pep in my step and a smile on my face as if Verlander is legitimately all mine and that he actually has some affect on my day-to-day life. He doesn’t even pitch for the Yankees!!!

This is why I believe people who are utterly clueless or have little to no investment in the game should participate in fantasy baseball. If you have zero concept as to how wonderful Lincecum is, are you going to feel a tad guilty for wishing horrible run support on him? No! You’re just going to be pleased at the luck of finding someone as talented as Roy Oswalt this late in the season! If you haven’t the misfortune of being loyal to a particular team (like the Mets), are you really going to be torn by the fact that your fantasy pitcher, Cole Hamels just steamrolled the Mets? No way. You’re thrilled that Hamels tacked up a bunch of strikeouts on your behalf and lowered your overall ERA and WHIP. Fantasy baseball is an unhealthy activity for the passionate fan.

Alright, that’s enough. I have to go check on my lineup to make sure it’s all up to date for today’s games. I don’t have any more time to waste entertaining you folks, but don’t worry. Blogging returns to normal next Sunday as Lisa will be back by then and of course, the day we’ve all been waiting for: Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day!

My Super Hero of the Week is Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig from Cowboys and Aliens, not because it was an outstanding movie (it was good enough, but didn't blow me away), but because the movie starred both Indiana Jones and James Bond. Golden.

-Serena

Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day 2010

In celebration of Shark Week, we asked if you wanted a customized, specially made drawing by Serena of a shark. We’re talking a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We’re disappointed to report that one of you claimed that the poll sucked like our blog. Well, guess what, pal? You’re a giant, hairy a-hole and Serena didn’t want to draw a shark for you anyway. At best, you deserve a sea urchin, but even that’s stretching it. 3 of you seemed excited about the amazing gifts she’s already displayed with Clip Art and would love a rare piece of Shark Week artwork. Congratulations to you lucky three. Please send us an email with your contact information and Serena will draw you a shark. If you have a favorite species, please include that as well or else you’re going to get a Great White. 1 individual would prefer to receive a drawing of Lisa’s brontosaurus, Bruno, so guess what? Send us an email with your contact information as well and Lisa will oblige you with a Bruno masterpiece. Finally, 1 person was skeptical and replied, “maybe, what kind of shark are we talking about here?” Well, Mr. or Mrs. The Glass is Half Empty, if you had voted yes, you would’ve gotten to specify what shark you’d get. Now you get nothing. So doom on you.

Oh and another thing to the hairy a-hole who said that our poll and blog sucked. It’s Lisa’s birthday today and you made her cry. You should be ashamed of yourself. Making a girl cry like that…especially on her birthday. You belong in the center circle of hell with Lucifer. Happy Birthday, Lisa. Don’t pay any attention to that jerk. He has no friends. Furthermore, AJ Burnett did not send Lisa flowers. He’s taking this break up a little too seriously. Winkie’s mad at him.

You may have noticed that our sidebar is now completely dominated by little buttons that say, “This blog has been nominated for…” Yes, you’re reading that correctly. We’ve been nominated. For the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Exciting ones at that. Best Sports Blog, Best Travel Blog, Best Humor Blog, and Best Blog of All Time. We’d love for you to vote for us in one, several, or all of these categories. Rationally speaking, we’re well aware that we’re not winning Best Blog of All Time, therefore if you’d like to focus all of your energy on one particular category, we’d recommend Sports or Travel. To be honest, we probably don’t have a shot at Humor either. You can vote by either clicking on the hyperlinks or the little buttons on the sidebar. The website will prompt you to set up an account, but it only takes two seconds.

On Monday night, we attended Sean Kimerling’s 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club, where we swooned over Ron Darling and ate the best red velvet cake in the history of mankind. We also met Sean Kimerling’s family, including his father, Noah Kimerling, who is adorable and kind. Rosemary Ally was so sweet to invite us to the event and we cannot begin to convey how appreciative we are to her for her kindness and guidance throughout Fred K’s journey. We didn’t take too many pictures (because it would’ve been tacky), but we’ll definitely post them to the TBB Facebook page and Fred K’s Cancer blog at our earliest opportunity.

Before we get into the most magical time of the year (ahem, Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day), we’ve got exciting news for you. Tomorrow, we’ll be attending the Mets/Phillies game at Citi Field. It’s Irish Heritage Night, which means we’re receiving awesome green Mets hats, but that’s not even the most exciting part of the evening. The most exciting part isn’t even the fact that Lisa might be getting a birthday message on the jumbotron. You might be asking yourself what could possibly be more exciting than those two things. Well, we’ll tell you. Not only will the TBB be tailgating for the first time in history (together) and not only will we take the pictures that you so enjoy viewing, but (insert drum roll) we’re also going to video this time around. That’s right, folks. You will have the chance to witness the TBB in live action. Alan, Brownie Maker’s husband, was charitable enough (and apparently trusting enough) to loan us his Flip Video Camera! Hooray for Alan. We dub him the Official TBB Key Grip. We’ll be “interviewing” sporadic Mets and Phillies fans during their tailgating festivities. Afterwards, if there’s still battery life in the camera, we’ll even try to film some of our asinine behavior during the game.

Now…for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Second Annual Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Our relationship with Tim has really blossomed since last year’s festival. In April, Tim accompanied us to see the magnificent Broadway show, Rock of Ages. Tim had the best time. He sang along with such classics as “Don’t Stop Believin’,” “To Be With You,” “Here I Go Again,” and “Oh, Sherrie.”

In May, Tim took time off from his busy baseball-playing schedule to come to our Cinco de Mayo party. As you can see in the picture, he really loved Serena’s jello shots. Lisa is also a humongous fan of them. You’ll often find her at the end of the night, dozing in a pile of empty plastic cups that once held booze-infused jello.

A lot of people don’t know this about him, but Tim can really bust a move. On the way home from 10 Cent Wing Night (Tim pounded a whole bucket, by the way) at Hooters, “Too Legit To Quit” came on the radio and we jumped on it. He often talks about that song being “his jam.”

To congratulate us on Fred K’s Cancer’s success, Tim took us on a night on the town. Don’t you think we look spiffy?

On Sunday, Serena’s high school friend, Meryl got married. Serena was a little stressed about being the only single bridesmaid in the bridal party, so Tim (who’s such a gentleman) decided to be her date. He was a big hit among the bridal party, although no one really knew who he was. It was probably his slick dance moves that won their approval. He even bought Serena an awesome light up broach to pin to her dress. Unfortunately, since she had to match the other bridesmaids, Serena couldn’t wear it, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t appreciate the gesture. It was lovely.

Last night, we went to a sports bar for Lisa’s birthday. Tim had the wait staff supply an amazing chocolate cake with birthday candles. Serena almost ruined the surprise, which is why Tim is looking away and laughing. Oh, that Tim.

It’s time for our traditional Fun Facts about Tim Section. Did you know…
…that he loves the Beatles?
…that his middle name is Leroy? Just like Erin’s rooster statue.
…that he has a talent for memorizing song lyrics, which is why his teammates call him “The Human Jukebox?” That’s why he’s a “Jukebox Hero. Got stars in his eyes…”
…that his favorite television show is The Family Guy?
…that in his Major League debut against the Phillies on May 6, 2007, he struck out the side?
…that according to two different websites, his favorite food is either fried bologna or cinnamon rolls?
…that his favorite color is green (just like Serena)?
…that he’s 11-6 on the season so far with a 3.41 ERA, 163 strikeouts, and 59 walks?

Baseball Notes: In Sunday night’s game against the Red Sox, Derek Jeter hit his 2,874th career hit, an RBI single off of Josh Beckett, and passing Babe Ruth on the Yankees All Time Hits list.

The Braves announced yesterday that Chipper Jones’ season is done. He tore his anterior cruciate ligament (better known as his ACL) going after a routine ground ball and will need surgery to repair the damage. The estimated time to recover following a surgery of this type is 6 months, which puts Jones in the position of being ready for Opening Day 2011. However, he’s already made statements implicating that this might be his last season. Did Chipper Jones play his last MLB game ever and it was only seen by the local networks? How depressing!

Since Tim’s such a big Beatles fan, we leave you with, “Love, love Timmy do. You know we love you. We’ll always be true. So please, please, please, please, love Timmy too.”

He’s Going the Distance

With the close of the trade deadline, we asked you what type of moves you’d make to improve your team if you were a team executive. Of 7 votes, there was a 3-way tie. No one voted for Brad Ziegler. Apparently people are prejudiced against redheads, which we suppose is the origin of the phrase, “red-headed stepchild.”Only 1 individual voted for gourmet hot dogs. Clearly, this person received an education from MIT because he/she is brilliant. 2 people actually took this poll seriously and voted for offense, 2 like dinosaurs (apparently, Serena’s love for Jurassic Park is starting to rub off on the public) and 2 want the Dodgers, Cubs, and Yankees to research the potential for a mascot. Bunch of furries, you are.

For any of you interested in an update regarding our future with AJ Burnett, you’ll notice that he pitched like a real NTAC against the Blue Jays earlier this week. Clearly, he’s still working on that whole “consistency” problem he has, which means he’s going to continue living alone in his new 1-bedroom apartment in Flushing. It’s within walking distance of Citi Field ironically enough.

To thank us for our Fred K’s Cancer fundraising efforts, the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation invited us to their 7th Annual Celebrity Golf Tournament & Dinner at the Muttontown Country Club on Monday. We’re so excited! We’re actually going to dress like girls for once and hope to rub elbows with Ron Darling. We’ll be posting pictures of the event to the Fred K’s Cancer site sometime next week and to Facebook. Unless we look fugly. Then we’re deleting them and never speaking of them again.

We’re positive that you’ve heard about Alex Rodriguez’s 600th home run by now. If not, that’s extremely impressive. Do you live in a padded cell without access to media? Is Elvis there? Do you speak to Kurt Cobain? Do you see spots? The home run was hit 3 years to the day he hit his 500th home run, which is a bit weird and cosmic, if you ask us. He became the 7th player and youngest to accomplish this feat, launching it off of Toronto’s Shaun Marcum in the first inning on Wednesday.

This may sound selfish, but we were kind of hoping that he’d continue to be productive, but hold off on hitting the home run until we got there on 8/31. We figured that he could celebrate with us by taking us to Serendipity 3 for desserts. We’d have a contest to see who could finish more of their Forbidden Broadway Sundae and we’d laugh about how a man AROD’s size couldn’t compete with our appetites. Then we’d lightly wipe the little spot of fudge from his chin with a napkin. Oh, that AROD. He tells the funniest jokes. Imagine the pictures we could’ve taken. Oh, well.

We’ve already heard the “asterisk” jokes because he admitted to using steroids during his stint with the Rangers, but we haven’t seen any asterisks next to Bonds’ record yet, so maybe all of you Debbie Downers should shut your filthy mouths already. AROD, in the highly intelligent words of one Atlanta Housewife, “let your haters be your motivators.” You’re a TBB Super Hero of the Week in our book.

Baseball Note (yes, the singular): An MRI on Thursday confirmed that Kevin Youkilis has a torn muscle in his right thumb. He’ll undergo season-ending surgery today. What’s that, Red Sox? Another one bites the dust (and another gone and another one gone. Another one bites the dust)?

COMING NEXT WEEK: Have you forgotten? Next Saturday is Tim Lincecum Appreciation Day! Stay tuned for awe-inspiring photos brought to you by Serena and Clip Art. Due to the economy and the fact that our company was moving in another direction, we had to part ways with Tech Support, therefore Serena has taken over the blog’s photography duties. We have no doubt that you’ll enjoy them.

“Tim Lincecum’s Day is back and we’re gonna get excited! Hey now! Hey now! Tim Lincecum’s Day is back!”

The Circle of TBB

Last week we asked you if Lisa should ditch her god mother duties for the sake of stadium touring. Of 7 total votes, 3 of you felt that the fact that we were asking you this question makes Lisa a selfish older sister/not nice word. Did we not mention that last year for Lisa’s 30th birthday, Sister got married? Not to be tit for tat or anything, but Sister definitely stole Lisa’s thunder and caused everyone (but Serena) to forget her birthday. ANYWAY, in close second, two of you highly intelligent beings agreed that we should definitely ditch Sister because this is our opportunity to go see the Giants, Tiny Tim, and Steamy Guido Zito in action. While we commend you for your high IQ’s, we must admit that perhaps that’s a bit severe and over the top. Even for us, that might just be too mean. Besides…Lisa will most likely be thrown out of the family if she does that. 1 person felt that we should investigate which month had better giveaways before making any decisions and 1 person thought Lisa should call the bullpen to “coach” Sister in relief while we party it up in LA with hot mama Erin (who does not actually have children nor is she pregnant) and her trusty man, Matt. Perhaps Billy Wagner is available and he’d much better at delivering babies than delivering outs in the 9th inning with men in scoring position.

We’d like to discuss our progress regarding Team Fred, which we’re not allowed to call Team Fred because there already is a Team Fred. So we started off our charity work by emailing Lance Armstrong and the American Cancer Society to discuss potential fundraising events. Neither has replied, which is a bit disheartening because we’re actually trying to do something meaningful. It’s not like we asked The One Who Shall Not Be Named to be our Facebook friend and then he ignored us. Because that we would completely understand. Why are charities ignoring us? So…we tried a different tactic. Perhaps Lance Armstrong and the American Cancer Society are too wrapped up in their events to pay attention to someone as small time as the TBB. *sob* We decided that we would just fundraise by ourselves and split our earnings between the Oral Cancer Foundation and the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation. We’ve emailed both organizations to see if we can gain their support. We plan on walking the Jones Beach State Park bike path on June 20th before the Mets battle the Yankees at Yankees Stadium in the Subway Series. We feel all warm and fuzzy inside for our good deeds. *applause* Side note: if anyone is interested in supporting Serena and her walk for breast cancer in honor of Grannydukes, you can find the link to her fundraising page on the sidebar.

Now that we’ve consulted with our readers and our employers, our 2010 stadium tour is becoming a bit more solidified. Granted, nothing is booked yet as baseball tickets have yet to go on sale (and why haven’t they? They’ve already released the schedules. Why not the tickets too…and the promotional giveaway schedule while they’re at it), but plans are afoot. We will be going May and since we could not get a full two weeks off at work, we were forced to change around our Dodgers and Padres series. As a result, we’re basically attending a game every other day and traveling between LA and San Diego. So…we’ll be seeing the Athletics/Angels, Giants/Padres, and Padres/Dodgers. Yes…we’re stuck seeing the Padres twice. While in LA, we’ll be staying with hot mama Erin and checking out Disney Land. We’ve already found an awesome hotel that is located near Sea World in San Diego that we will be cashing in our Wyndham Rewards to pay for. Apparently, it’s one of the nicest hotels we’ve ever stayed in. It’s a shame that we’re only staying there overnight. In June, Serena will be returning to LA briefly to visit hot mama Erin for a weekend and to see the Yankees play the Dodgers. She will not have to pretend to be a Dodgers fan during this trip.

On a lighter note, today is quite cool outside and we’re finally not sweating through our corporate attire. So take that, Ben Affleck (again, see glossary)! For those of you who think you know who Ben Affleck is, think again (ahem, MJ)!!

Today’s baseball notes: Laurie (you must remember Laurie, but for you new folks, please see glossary for more information) told Lisa that her fellow little league papa, Alan recently participated in a golf outing where he met Ron Darling and was nice enough to mention our blog to him. To the best of our knowledge, Ron Darling has not checked out the site nor does he care to because he is much too busy being #1 Mets announcer and having to pull his weight in the SNY booth because his co-announcers are complete a$$ clowns. Kudos to Alan for trying to market the TBB though. On Tuesday night, the Yankees finally clinched a playoff spot in their 6-5 route of the Angels. Bobby Cox has announced that after the 2010 season, he will be retiring as Braves’ manager. This is completely strange to us. Bobby Cox is the Braves. This is just as strange as if Chipper Jones announced his retirement. Not that we like Chipper Jones or anything, but he and the Braves are like Jenny and Forrest Gump. Chipper should be playing third long after he’s confined to a wheelchair at the age of 95.

We head off into the weekend and a Red Sox/Yankees series with the delightful and uplifting words of ABBA, “cancer foundations take a chance on us! If you change your mind, we’re the first in line, honey we’re still free! Gonna do our very best, it ain’t no lie! If you put us to the test, we can raise lots of money!”